"I could never be your woman"

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The sound of the blender in the kitchen woke you up; it was early. You checked the time on your smartwatch: 6:30 AM.

You stretched comfortably on the bed and buried your face in the soft pillows one last time; they smelled of Hyunju's distinctive perfume. You allowed yourself to hug the soft pillow and close your eyes for a few more seconds before starting your day... But wait, why did your pillow smell like Hyunju?

Your eyes snapped open when you realized you were in Hyunju's bed and not on the couch. You were still wearing yesterday's uniform, only without makeup or your hair done. She must have helped you get comfortable, you thought.

Memories of the previous night hit you; you kissed Hyunju (or did she kiss you?) You both kissed. Your stomach sank at the thought of what awaited you outside the room: talking to Hyunju about whatever had happened yesterday. What if she acted like nothing had happened? Or if she was dizzy from the effects of the medication? ...If she didn't really want to kiss you?

You had to get up and find out for yourself; for better or worse, the days were moving fast in their home.

"Hi, good morning," you said as you entered the kitchen; there were two plates of freshly made food served by Hyunju and two smoothies next to them.

"Good morning, did you sleep well?" Hyunju replied, her eyes were cheerful, and she seemed in a much better mood than before. In fact, she looked beautiful despite being so early in the morning. Her hair was styled in a low ponytail, her eyes were decorated with a simple but perfect eyeliner for the shape of her eyes. Her lips were shiny and kissable (she must have used a moisturizer like I had advised her last night), you thought, unaware that your face was burning a deep red and your smile was curved like that of a silly teenager.

"I slept amazing, your bed is much more comfortable and softer than the couch," you joked as you sat down and took a first spoonful of your breakfast; it looked as exquisite as always. "But I have a question. How did I end up sleeping in your bed?" You asked her curiously, as you didn't remember anything beyond the kiss you shared.

"Um..." Hyunju blushed as she remembered what happened last night and replied with a nervous smile. "After you and I kissed, you hugged me, I cradled you gently in my arms, and when I felt your weight had completely dropped on my shoulders, I realized you had fallen completely asleep."

Now it was your turn to be embarrassed. How could you fall asleep so suddenly?! It sounds incredibly silly and absolutely unprofessional.

"It must be hard working in the health system, I often see that you are sleepy and drink a lot of coffee," Hyunju added, noticing your concern.

"Yes, but it wasn't to fall asleep at the most important moment of my damn life!" You admitted, raising your voice, covering your face with both hands.

The best moment of your life? Hyunju repeated in her head once more. That sounded strangely cute; her heart warmed and beat faster than it already was.

"You look beautiful today-"
"We need to talk-"
Both spoke at the same time, interrupting each other.

"Thank you... You look radiant as usual," Hyunju added, although the word "radiant" is not exactly the word you would use to describe yourself.

"Hyunnie, about yesterday. You're right, we need to talk about it," you replied nervously, all the previous thoughts came back to your mind and who knows how many through Hyunju's mind.

Hyunju settled into her chair, took her glass in her hands, let her hair down, and began to speak calmly. "I don't want to sound like the kind of woman who is tormented by her ex-partner, but in a way, I am when I mention that after her, I have not approached anyone intimately again. In any way," Hyunju finally said.

"And what happened yesterday... It felt so good," Hyunju admitted, hesitating between seeking or not your gaze, now her fingers played with each other timidly.

"I don't know if this is something you want as much as I do, or if this is something you want with someone like me," Hyunju said again.

"Why wouldn't I want this with someone like you Hyunnie?" You replied seriously. How could this beautiful woman in front of you doubt herself like that?

"Oh please! You've lived with me these past weeks, you've taken care of me and been there every moment. It wasn't necessary to tell you because you already knew, and when you found out, you acted in the most tender way possible... Do you think I deserve that? Absolutely, I'm still not ready," It was Hyunju's turn to answer your question, which, however captivating it was, also activated a certain annoyance deep within her.

"If you don't feel ready, I don't have the right to pressure you Hyunju," you added after understanding her words.

"I am sure. I don't know if it's exactly the best time of my life for a relationship, but I am sure of the person... even if you are my patient. I love you," you said now on the verge of tears.

"Hey no, don't cry darling. Please, the last thing I want is to make you cry," Hyunju approached you with gentle movements and wiped away the tears that had fallen down your cheeks with her thumbs.

"What I would like most in this world would be to be with someone as pure as you, someone who is willing to do anything to take care of the most vulnerable, even if I am one of them."

"But I'm afraid you don't deserve me darling, we are on different lines of life. You don't deserve to suffer with me the path that follows me to reach my final goal. And I will not allow you to suffer it with me."

"Hyunnie, don't be so selfish. Please, I-I will do whatever is necessary, I will get what you need in the hospital and help you reach your goal... can't you see it?" You exclaimed now exalted, Hyunju seemed so calm when mentioning all those words (that had some truth). But that was the least of it when there was love between the two of you! You clung to thinking.

"No darling, things don't work like that," she said, still with a calm expression, she looked beautiful like that. Had she prepared herself beautifully to send you to hell this morning? You felt the world fall on you as you insisted more and Hyunju only put reality in front of your eyes.

Maybe Hyunju was right, and if it was her decision, you had to respect it. You relaxed one last time in her touch, and put your hands on hers that lay on your cheeks.

"If you are sure of this... I respect your decision. I don't agree, but it's in my own values to respect it," you told her with tears welling up in your eyes.

"You are a wonderful person. Thank you for breakfast," Hyunju and you hugged, Hyunju's grip was strong and solid as steel. You clung to the vanilla scent you loved so much, smelled her hair and caressed her back, you had longed for this touch so much, but now that you had it, you didn't want to let go.

As you parted, you bit your tongue to not shed more tears in front of Hyunju. "If you allow me, I will go out for a moment to run some errands. You know my number, if you need anything let me know," you said, hurrying to put on shoes and a coat, you felt like you were suffocating in there without being able to cry.

Hyunju gave you a comprehensive look without saying anything at all. And you left there leaving her alone, with your plate of half-eaten food.

𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼

"Oh, honey. Please sit down and calm down," Bryan wrapped you in his arms, while you cried inconsolably on his shoulder.

It may be that after leaving Hyunju's apartment you decided to run to clear your thoughts, even if the tears blurred your vision and the morning cold froze your face. You didn't stop until the sound of your phone distracted you. Hyunju? You thought. But no, it was Bryan calling you asking if he could stop by to bring you coffee.

And so, you both ended up in his car, while you cried inconsolably over your rejection this morning. Record time of rejection! You thought and laughed while crying.

"A-and she told me that things don't work like that, but what do you want me to do? I could really help her. Why can't she value that?" You told Bryan, who looked at you with a worried face.

"You know what I think about these things and your failed loves darling. If love exists, it will find a way to find the path," he told you with the intention of comforting you, "And if not, then that was not the way."

But also, why did you both get so worked up after a simple kiss?!" He asked you more calmly, "I kiss men all the time at the bar and look at us! Nothing of this unnecessary drama happens" He said trying to make you laugh.

And Bryan was right, they hadn't really talked about how their feelings arose. They only talked about a stupid kiss that sent everything to hell.

They both stayed chatting a little longer before he dropped you off at the grocery store to do your shopping.

𓇼 ⋆.˚ 𓆉 𓆝 𓆡⋆.˚ 𓇼

Hyunju didn't describe herself as a crybaby. She could say to herself that it was difficult to make her cry.
Even when her parents kicked her out of her family for coming out of the closet. She remembers not crying "that much" for that event.

But now, my God. Now things were different, she doesn't know where she found the strength to tell you no. To all the attempts you told her to show her that you loved her, she said no, one by one.

She hated herself even more for doing this to you, for making you cry and suffer. And that was the point for which she wanted to keep you away from her!

She loved you, she desired you more than anything in this world. She remembered every word, every phrase, every effort you had put in to make her feel better.

If only you had appeared later in her life, could they be happy together? Hyunju thought while crying washing the dishes.

It was her fault for kissing you, and giving you wings with which you thought you could fly. As much as her chest hurt, as much as she felt her heart being ripped out by walking away from you. She was determined not to give you any more hope, not to build any more castles in the air.

Hyunju wiped her tears, the makeup she had put on in the morning stained her hand. She laughed sadly thinking of the reason for that makeup, she wanted to impress you by doing so. She didn't understand why things couldn't be different.

During the rest of the afternoon, she lay on her bed watching Sex and the City or whatever trashy TV show was on at the moment.
Not even when she came out of her first breast implant surgery did she feel so bad, she felt like a truck had run her over.

The lock on her device made a sound that indicated you had arrived home. Like a little girl, terrified of monsters, she hid under her sheets and closed her eyes. Although she could hear you.

Hyunju paid attention to every step you took, mentally traced the path you took as you entered her apartment, your pauses, the sound of the refrigerator and when you threw yourself on the couch suddenly.

And there they were, the worst sounds she could hear at that moment. Your muffled crying, your inconsolable sobs muffled by your hands.

It would be an afternoon of nothing but pain in her heart, having hurt yours.

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