Chapter 28
James has always loved the mornings. He loved getting up early and going on runs, the rising sun, he loved the stillness that covers the early hours of the day. Now that he has Regulus in his arms, James thinks he loves the mornings even more. Because when else can he trace the freckles on Regulus’ cheek and have enough time to count them if he wanted to?
He has also recently learned that Regulus actually despises mornings, and James–being the smart man that he is–has learned that he can use this new piece of information to his benefit. Now, he has hours to gaze upon Regulus before he wakes up and tells James to stop through red cheeks and a bashful smile.
Even sometimes, in the last few days that Regulus has slept in his bed, James will start thinking about their future, and how perfectly he can imagine it.
He can see the early mornings when James forces Regulus to get out of bed and drags him to go on runs. He can see the mornings when Regulus asks James to sleep in and even though it goes against everything James has ever done, he’ll try. He’ll end up waking up early and looking at Regulus for hours, just like he’s doing now, just because he can.
Regulus makes a quiet noise and nestles in closer to James, relaxing when he feels James’ arms go around him. They stay intertwined for a few more minutes until James decides that he wants to get out of bed. And very gently does he sneak out of bed, careful not to wake Regulus at all. And with one last glance at Regulus, James heads downstairs.
He’s the only one awake, a part of the reason why he loves mornings so much, a few moments of peace as he basks in the stillness of the world. Snow falls softly, silently painting the grass and tips of the trees white. It almost reminds him of Regulus. So beautiful that it hurts to look at, so tranquil. Cold but their beauty makes James want to sit in it forever.
The thought makes James grin and he smiles as he makes hot cocoa in his favourite mug, a teddy bear-shaped one that he has adored ever since his parents bought it ten years ago. He hears careful footsteps creeping into the kitchen, and when James turns around the last person he expects to be standing there is Sirius. But, well, there he is. Standing in the entryway to the kitchen, unsure of himself.
James has noticed that the anger in Sirius’ eyes has slowly simmered over the past few days. They really haven’t spoken in a few days, and there’s a hole in James’ chest that reminds him of that. He only wished Sirius knew how much James misses him, how much James hears his laughter distantly at some points in the day and it makes him ache all over like his bones are growing sideways.
What is James supposed to do without the person that knows him inside and out? Where does it go?
Sirius clears his throat. “Can I…” Sirius trails off, eyes flickering to the cupboard James’ body currently blocks. As soon as he realises this, James shoots out of the way immediately, muttering an apology under his breath.
James takes a deep breath and stares at how Sirius rummages through the pantry. “Sirius,” James calls out, watching Sirius’ spine straighten within the same second. When it’s clear that Sirius isn’t going to respond, James sighs. “I miss you, you know.”
Sirius looks over his shoulder and his jaw clenches. “Yeah. I know.”
“Can’t you just–”
Sirius cuts him off rather abruptly, “Stop talking to me, James.”
James huffs. “But, I really need–”
“James!” Sirius shouts, his voice exasperated, turning around to face James with anger written all over his face, effectively making James shut his mouth. James could crumble under his withering stare. All of their friend group has always poked fun at the way Sirius could use his eyes to tell a million words. Whenever he was happy, his eyes would tell before his words did. When he was angry, the person on the opposing side would be dead ten times over if looks could kill.
James always saw that former. Never really thought he’d see the latter. He doesn’t know how to carry all this frustration that Sirius holds for him. There’s never been a time where Sirius held this much for him. “I don’t want to talk to you right now, alright?”
James turns away from Sirius and braces himself against the counter, eyes watering with an unbelievable frustration of being ignored by the one person that he needs. They both turn their heads to a new figure entering the kitchen. Regulus’ eyes narrow as he looks at his brother, yet widen when he takes in James’ state. “What’s going on?”
Sirius laughs under his breath and shakes his head. “It’s too early for this.”
Regulus slides a hand over his face. “What did you do?” he asks Sirius.
“Me?” Sirius scoffs, his eyes blazing. “Why do you assume it’s my fault?”
“Because it’s you,” Regulus grumbles, inching further into the kitchen, and getting closer to James. “All his emotions are practically painted on his face, anyway. If he was guilty you’d be able to see it from a universe away.”
“Well, he doesn’t really know when to quit when I ask him to,” Sirius mumbles, making Regulus turn around to face his brother.
“Or maybe he just misses you,” Regulus argues.
“Well, then, he–”
James groans, making both of them turn toward him. “It’s fine.” He huffs a frustrated sigh. “Everything is fine.”
Regulus’ eyes soften. “It’s not fine.”
Sirius’ eyes turn into daggers when Regulus speaks. “You coddle him too much.”
Regulus scoffs. “Says you, of all people.”
“Yes, says me. I don’t indulge him half as much as you do,” Sirius replies easily.
The frustration builds up in James’ stomach once more. He longs to have Sirius respond to him, or banter with him. He sees how easy it is for the two brothers and all he wants is to have the same thing once again, even though he knows he should be happy to see it in the brothers in the first place. James slips out of the kitchen, fighting the urge to let the tears fall again, only barely succeeding.
A hand that goes over his bicep stops him from going up the stairs. He turns around to find Regulus looking at him through worried eyes. “Stay down here with me,” he pleads.
James looks at the floor. “I’d just be sitting there while Sirius pretends I don’t exist. I’ll come down when Mum makes breakfast.”
One of Regulus’ hands intertwines with one of James’, a tether that still keeps James grounded. “I don’t want you to feel bad. I want you to be happy,” Regulus whispers.
James frowns. “I’m very happy.” He pushes some of Regulus’ curls out of his face and keeps his hand resting on his cheekbones. “I have you, how could I be anything else?” He sighs. “I just wish I had both of you. It’s killing me a bit.”
“Merlin, he’s an idiot,” Regulus tells him while rolling his eyes. “It hurts him every time you're sad.”
“I don’t want to hurt him,” James says quickly.
Regulus smiles and turns his head to kiss James’ palm that rests on his face. “You’re too good.”
“I’m not sure how true that is,” James confesses in a whisper, his biggest fear that lives in every decision he makes, in every word he says. It eats him alive at night until he’s just a withering piece of skin and bone, wondering if he truly is as good as everyone says he is.
Regulus looks up at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Don’t do that. You’re good. You’re better than good, honestly.”
“Then why won’t he talk to me,” James whines.
Regulus stares at him for a moment before sighing dramatically, “Oh, honestly,” he mutters under his breath before grabbing James’ hand and marching to the kitchen, dragging James along with him.
When Regulus reaches the kitchen he grabs Sirius by the ear and drags them both upstairs to Regulus’ room, though Regulus is rarely in it, always in James’ or the library. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sirius hisses as he grabs the ear Regulus has let go of and frowns.
“It’s a long list,” Regulus retorts with a glare at his brother. He looks at James, looks back at Sirius, and nods. “Now talk.”
Sirius scowls and petulantly looks away from James. “I’m not speaking to him.”
Regulus groans and runs his hands through his hair in agitation, looking so stressed out that it makes James’ heart hurt. Through all of this, James never once thought that it’d take a toll on Regulus. Of course, it would. He looks at Sirius and watches the same thoughts run through his mind.
“Stop being such a bloody child!” he exclaims suddenly. “Do you know how fucking frustrating it is to have the two people you care about the most ignore each other constantly and leave me in the middle of it?” Regulus asks, his voice rising.
“Well,” James begins tentatively because yes, he does know a little bit about what Regulus is going through, but the words die on his tongue when Regulus throws a glare at him.
“That’s different. This is easily able to be fixed, and I can clearly see how much you two miss each other.” he grimaces. “It’s honestly disgusting. But I can’t stand seeing either of you hurt when you don’t need to be hurting, and I have to try and talk to each of you while trying to lead you in the right direction while also trying not to overstep.” He gives on a more frustrated huff. “So talk.”
Silence follows his statement, and hangs in the air between Sirius and James. Honestly, James doesn’t know how much more rejection he can take. He can’t stomach another attempt at trying to reconnect only to be shot down. One more seems detrimental. James looks at Sirius and sighs softly when it seems Sirius is going to stay silent.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius grits out as if the two words pain him, looking away from James to stare at the floor.
“I’m sorry, too,” James blurts out, eyes widening, voice wavering and unwilling to let James ruin his one chance.
Sirius smiles weakly as if the reminder is a painful one. “Yeah, I know.”
Regulus breathes a sigh of relief and moves toward the door, his eyes soften when he looks at James and Sirius. “Talk.” The door closes gently and the silence comes creeping back in, an unwarranted visitor that James has always hated. Especially when it’s an awkward one, something that should never exist between James and Sirius.
James clears his throat. “I love him, you know?”
Sirius looks at James then, staring at him as if he’s trying to figure something out. Eventually, he gives a short nod. “I know. I’ve known for a while. He loves you, too.”
James grins proudly, growing bright at the mere thought of Regulus loving him. “I know.”
Sirius looks like he’s refraining from rolling his eyes, instead, he opts for shaking his head. “I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I’m so glad to have my brother, to have you, and to see both of you happier than ever. But there’s just something holding me back. I’m…scared of losing you. Of losing him again.”
“Why would you lose us?” James asks softly. “You know you wouldn’t.”
Sirius scoffs and looks away from James. “Yeah, I figured as much.”
James furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “So what’s this really about?”
“I just wish you knew that you could’ve told me,” Sirius confesses quickly, the statement settling in the air between them until it stops James from being able to breathe properly. “I would’ve been upset, sure, but I wouldn’t have cared. Do you trust me?”
“Sirius, you know I do,” James tells him immediately, leaving no room for hesitation. Because he does. There’s nobody he trusts more.
“Do you?” Sirius questions, voice not yet angry. But desperate. For an answer. For a reason. “Because it really doesn’t seem like it.”
James frowns. “Because I didn’t tell you about me seeing your brother?”
Sirius groans and looks seconds away from pulling out his hair. “Yes! Because you didn’t tell me, and it’s so obvious that you love each other, and I wish I could’ve at least known about it. And not…sat in the dark like some idiot who you don’t believe in!”
“Sirius,” James starts, voice matching the level Sirius is at, “we didn’t know how you’d react! Don’t you get it?”
Sirius shakes his head, eyes flashing with a wave of hurt. “Do you think I’m some kind of child? Do you think so fucking low of me?”
James sighs. “That’s not what it was about at all.”
“You didn’t trust me!”
James wants to laugh at the accusation. At something so incredibly incorrect that it’s almost funny. Almost. Because the look on Sirius’ face proves that he doesn’t think it’s incorrect at all. “I trust you more than I trust myself sometimes. It’s scary that you could tell me anything and I’d believe it because of how much faith I have in you,” James confesses. “I trust you. And this whole thing wasn’t because I didn’t. It’s because I didn’t trust myself to be able to properly explain myself. I can’t explain how my brain works because it’s pretty shit at times.”
“I’m really sorry,” James replies further, not knowing what else he can say. “If I could do it differently, I would’ve told you earlier. I can’t go back and change what I’ve already done. But I’m sorry that I didn’t. We just lived in this liminal space where we only existed, me and Regulus. We didn’t stop to think of all the logistics.”
Sirius looks at the ground and sighs deeply. They stand in silence as Sirius thinks about his next words. “It’s…okay,” he says finally, always finding a way to catch James off guard. Sirius finally looks at James. “I forgive you.”
James’ eyes sink shut as he breathes a quick sigh of relief. “You don’t know how happy that makes me,” James tells him earnestly, grinning happily where he stands.
There’s a small knock at the door and seconds later, Regulus pokes his head through. “Everything alright?” he questions, face very clearly concerned.
James can’t help but not grin happily as his eyes land on Regulus. “Everything is perfect, thank you.”
Regulus blushes and smiles softly. “Good. Thank god you two are done being stupid, Breakfast is ready.”
Sirius shakes his head as he studies the other two, but there’s a small smile on his face even when he gives a dramatic groan and sigh. “Merlin, this is going to be horrible.”
James laughs, thankful he finally feels light enough to do it. “Probably,” he says, throwing an arm over Sirius’ shoulder and pulling him close as they join Regulus in walking downstairs.
Effie spots them walking in and beams, but she doesn’t comment on it. But James knows that she knows everything is alright, and James knows that it relieves her. “Morning you three. Merry Christmas Eve.”
They all grin at her and bid her good morning before they sit down at the table, Sirius next to Regulus who’s directly across from James. They rest their feet on each other’s, sharing small smiles at the little gesture that somehow manages to warm James’ heart. “For New Year's,” Sirius mumbles with food in his mouth that makes Regulus frown in disgust. “I think you should invite your friends, Regulus.”
Regulus furrows his eyebrows. “I don’t know if any of them could come. Barty’s dad hardly lets him do anything. I doubt that Evan would be allowed. Dorcas might come, but her parents wouldn’t approve, but she’s already eighteen. Pandora could, I guess, but I’m not sure she’d do it if there was nobody there.”
James grins at his sudden tangent. “Doesn’t hurt to ask, never know what they’re capable of.”
“Slimy snakes,” Sirius mumbles with a frown. “Ow!” He exclaims, holding the side of his head where Regulus just slapped. At that exact moment, James’ mum walks in, her eyebrows raised and teasing etched into her skin. “Effie! He hit me.”
James’ mum gasps. “Regulus!”
Regulus’ eyes widen almost comically, not reading the lightheartedness of Effie’s words. James understands, they all do. They all remember how Sirius walked on eggshells in this very house, around the same people, just until he learned that they were never going to hurt him. Sirius, although unlikely to admit it, never teased James in front of his parents. It was later that Sirius confessed that he had this fear Effie and Monty would kick him out if he did.
“Well, I think it’d be nice to have a party before going back to school,” James says to ease the attention off of Regulus. “It’s a tradition at the Potter household and all my friends will be there. I think it’ll be good if all yours came too. Plus, I believe I promised you one,” he tells Regulus before shoving food in his mouth.
“Parties are the best,” Sirius says dreamily. “Plus I get to be all over Moony without someone biting my head off for no reason.”
Regulus scoffs and stabs at his food with his head down. “Don’t worry, I’ll fill in for them. No need to be disgusting in public places.”
“It’s love, Regulus, we shouldn’t be eager to take it away from anyone,” James’ father cuts in as he reads from the Daily Prophet.
Sirius grins triumphantly, despite there not even being any sort of competition. “Thank you, Monty.”
James’ dad grins and raises his eyebrows as he looks at Regulus. “No matter how disgusting it may be.”
“Oi!” Sirius exclaims as Regulus shakes his head with a bashful grin.
“So you’ll be there?” James questions hopefully.
“Don’t really know where else I could possibly be,” Regulus mumbles shyly.
James frowns. “Well, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Me and you can do something alone away from everyone.”
Sirius pretends to gag and James is almost positive that he hears his mum and dad snickering in their seats. “None of that. No, no, no. Absolutely not.” Regulus’ face goes pink, almost to a shade of red. “My forgiveness was not a gateway to be front row of all of your disgusting innuendos.”
James rolls his eyes. “I can assure you that is not what I meant.” he winks at Regulus. “Not to say that I’m against-“
“It’s fine!” Regulus interrupts, flustered to no end, eyes flicking to the other people in the room. He huffs and glares at James. “A party sounds perfect. Perfectly fine.”
James’s mum grins. “Sirius, these two are just the sweetest.”
James feels his face go warm and he shakes his head. “Mum,” he warns.
“What? It’s true,” she argues. “Don’t you agree with me, Flea?”
Fleamont simply smiles at her fondly. “Always.”
“It’s so endearing to-“
James is about to try and get her to stop, but Regulus suddenly shoots out of his seat. Clearing his throat, he says, “Sorry. I just–” And quickly rushes upstairs, not even bothering to spare another glance toward anyone at the table.
James looks at his mom and finds an apologetic look on her face as she looks back. “I didn’t mean to—“ she begins.
“It’s okay,” James reassures her quickly. “We’re all learning to adjust. It’s not always simple.” He clears his throat and stands. “I’m going to check on him.” Everyone nods as if they never expected anything less from James. Except there’s a shared look between Effie and Sirius and Fleamont that James has no time to explore.
☽
Regulus sits in the Potter library, staring outside where the snow starts to melt. The thought of something so beautiful suddenly turning into nothing makes him ache, something he never got to enjoy fading into obscurity. He doesn’t understand it, how does one find joy in the current moment, never thinking of all things that fade away with each passing moment?
He can feel James’ presence from a mile away, so it’s not surprising that he’s joined a few minutes later. James keeps his distance like he’s trying not to step too close, trying not to say the wrong thing, and Regulus hates it. For someone as lively as James, there shouldn’t ever be anything halting him from expressing that.
“I’m not used to it,” Regulus confesses quietly, keeping his eyes trained outside. “I don’t get it.”
“Get what?” James questions, voice as gentle as ever.
Regulus clears his throat. “The affection. How natural it is for all of you. How much you can share in front of your parents. How much Effie and Fleamont offer us, how much patience they have. All of the love.” Regulus sighs deeply. “I don’t get it.”
“I’m sure it’s hard to get used to. And I really wish that I knew everything there was to know just so I could help you. To take this weight off. I really, really wish that I could.” Bustling from downstairs can be heard, Regulus feels guilty for taking James away from it. “If I could learn all that there was in the world, I’d do it just so I could help you.”
“I know,” Regulus mutters. “You’re an idiot like that. It would be quite useful to have all that knowledge in the world and use it for something you actually need, like taming that stupid hair of yours.”
“Probably.” James laughs loudly and Regulus joins him, only quieter until it fades away and they're back to sitting in silence. “But, you know, I can be here to listen. To help you every day. To tell you that you deserve a home full of laughter, overflowing with love. You deserve to have a family that wants to take care of you. You deserve all of it. All of it and more.”
Regulus leans his head on the window, the cold glass on his forehead calming him down. The words are like bricks that hit him at full force, yet they’re the softest blow he’s ever received. “I wish this was easier. I think a part of me will always be hesitant. Relationships were what made me have to leave. It’s hard to go from there, where I had to hide myself to survive, to here, where hiding isn’t necessary if I want to be safe.”
“Do you still want to hide?”
Regulus hesitates. That’s really the question, isn’t it? Yes, he wants to hide away from the world because then at least nothing can ever hurt him again. No, he wants to scream who he is to anyone that’d listen, he wants to laugh and hug and cry with a family. “I’m not so sure anymore. Here, I don’t want to hide at all. But when we go back? Do I have any other choice?”
It’s James’ turn to hesitate. “Probably not out there. I don’t know, really. But we have each other to help figure it out. We have Sirius. Remus. Barty. Evan. Dorcas. Pandora. Even more than that. We have all of us. You have all of us.”
“Even if it seems like it’ll take a while for me to be normal? To be better?”
“I’d wait forever,” James tells him, so deeply honest that Regulus doesn’t know what to do with it. He never does. He figures he’ll learn how to over this lifetime with him. “I believe we all would. We have it right now, Reg. Don’t we?”
Regulus thinks about that for a few moments. About all that he’s gained, all that he’s lost over the past few months. All of those pathways led here. Here with James. With his brother downstairs. With a new family wanting to take care of him. Friends that want the best for him. A lovely life just waiting for him, open arms if only Regulus would let it envelop him.
And he wants to.
Maybe he doesn’t quite know how he’s going to look at Severus without punching him across the face. Perhaps the news of him leaving will spread like wildfire and the Slytherins will be furious with him. Maybe he will never know how to leave behind the house full of tears and heartache and grief.
Maybe he will.
But maybe for now there’s nothing for him to worry about. He can let go of all those ghosts for a second and live in what his life is now. Now.
Now.
“Yeah. We do.”