Chapter 27
Regulus tentatively knocks on the Potter’s front door, anxious as he stands there. He doesn’t know how to feel, doesn’t know how he’s ever supposed to adjust here. He hates that he feels like he’s an intruder, and he doesn’t think that’ll ever go away. It’s natural for him to feel like an outsider, and Regulus figures it’s bound to stay with him.
When Sirius opens the door, his arms wrap around Regulus so tightly, and all Regulus can do is close his eyes and be grateful for it. He allows himself to sink into it because the feeling of relief that washes over him in an instant is like lying down after a long day.
Because there’s nothing in the world he’s more grateful for than being here. Alive. Having his brother care for him again. He sinks into the embrace even more than before, feeling like everything inside him just found peace in an instant, everything aching inside of him heals right then at that moment. At that moment, bruises lose their pain and scars are indistinguishable from the skin next to them.
That is until Sirius practically drags Regulus into the Potter house, where he stumbles inside, keeping his head held low. “Effie and Monty are already sorting things,” Sirius tells him over his shoulder, leading Regulus farther into the house. “They’ll be back for dinner.” Sirius glances at Regulus timidly. “I also thought it might be best if they were gone for a moment. I know how daunting they can be after those wretched souls we left behind.” We. It bounces in his mind almost a thousand times and yet it never loses its meaning, it makes something within Regulus beam.
Regulus hears James barreling down the stairs and hears his footsteps quickly approaching behind him. But Regulus can’t bring himself to look up at him. He feels a sense of shame for who he is, that he’s not someone James will want when he sees the cruelty Regulus feels like he holds. He fears the cruelty that he feels he’s destined to lose himself to. He’s afraid that James can see through every brick wall that he once built, the walls that James broke down, the walls that Regulus rebuilt again.
He looks at Sirius, eyes conveying something that he’s sure his brother isn’t able to decipher. Sirius gives him an odd look before he glares sharply at James and huffs. “I’ll give you two five minutes alone and that’s it.”
“Sirius–” Regulus tries to call out, trying to stop him, sighing in defeat when the door slams behind him, leaving silence in his departure. He looks back down at the ground, trying to stop his thoughts from spiralling out of his control, but it’s like asking fire to just stop burning–you can’t ever stop something so wild and out of control.
He watches as James’ socked feet enter his eyesight, signalling he’s standing right in front of Regulus. He could laugh at the little deer on James’ fuzzy socks if only he was in a better state of mind. “Hey,” James whispers suddenly.
Regulus squeezes his eyes shut, wishing that he could block himself out, hating that he’s doing such childish things. He wishes he was someone else, someone that James, with a heart made out of gold, deserves. “Hey,” he responds, voice barely audible and a little uneven. Regulus feels a warm hand lightly touch his own, and he opens his eyes as soon as feels the little sparks that are left behind, watching as James’ bronze fingers cover his pale ones very gently, very apprehensive.
James gently grabs hold of his hand. “This okay?” he asks, barely holding it until Regulus nods, and when he does James holds on tight as if he’s afraid Regulus will drift away. That hand is what holds Regulus there, it’s what grounds him. “Look at me, love, can you?” It’s a simple request, and because Regulus will do whatever James asks him to, he does, very quickly flicking his eyes to witness the way the concern on James’ face shifts to joy. “There you are,” he mutters happily, his fingers stroking Regulus’ hand.
“Sorry,” Regulus tells him softly, shaking his head in disappointment that he only feels for himself, picking at his fingers with the hand James isn’t holding. “I don’t really know what’s wrong with me lately.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you,” James responds, sounding distressed at the mere idea. “Nothing is even close to being wrong with you.” He slowly brings his hand up to Regulus’ face moving his hair out of the way. “Why do you say that?”
Regulus scoffs and looks at James again, very aware that everything in his body has been replaced by irritation. None of it is directed at the one he’s staring at, but at himself, for his stupid parents, and his stupid mistakes. “Because everything I do, everything I am is wrong.” he laughs with no hint of humour in it. “My family is full of fucked up individuals, but I’m a part of them, so they’re a part of me, and I don’t really know what to do with any of that.” he looks at a spot right over James' shoulder. “And I think that maybe she was right about one thing. I really am just weak, right? Just another disgrace.”
Jame squeezes his hand very gently, guiding Regulus back down to earth until all he feels is shame. He pulls his hand away from James’ grasp, not wanting to burden him with his touch, not wanting to look at James’ beautiful face and feel himself crumble. “See, all I do is fuck up. All the time. And you have no idea how scared I am that I’ll hurt you,” Regulus confesses quietly, looking at James so that he knows that Regulus means it with everything in him.
“You, Regulus Black, are fucking strong.” James stares at him with so much intensity that it seems intoxicating, it’s alluring, and Regulus knows that James believes every word he says. “So strong that it’s blinding. I meant it all those months ago, and I mean it now. Let me be here for you, love, let me in.”
Whatever Regulus is about to say is stopped on his tongue as the front door opens and Sirius calls out, “Reggie! Let me give you a tour!”
Regulus looks at James and notices the little smile of reassurance James gives him, realising how much it helps him in an instant, easing a little something within him. Sirius suddenly barges in and grabs Regulus’ arm, leading him into hallways and explaining things so quickly that it briefly reminds him of Pandora. He focuses on his brother, trying not to think of what James tells him, and tries not to think of the way it shakes him.
They go in and out of hallways and spare bedrooms, and Regulus basks in the beauty of each one. They go into the wing of the house that holds occupied bedrooms, and Sirius has no problem showing off his room, as well as showing Regulus his room. His room is spacious, the same size as his old one, but windows line the wall and the sun shines in beautifully, leaving a wonderful view of the backyard. They stop outside of James’ room, but Sirius hardly comments on it, just stares at the door as if a million memories hit it all at once.
Regulus can’t help but roll his eyes.
They eventually make their way to the backyard, it’s beautiful and big, full of long, green grass and flowers scattered everywhere. There’s a big greenhouse in the distance, by the tree line. Sirius plops down on the grass and Regulus carefully sits next to him, their legs extended in front of them. He hears Sirius look for something in his jacket and rolls his eyes when he pulls out a cigarette and lights it, putting it to his lips. “Wanna talk about it?” Sirius asks casually, both of them looking at something that isn’t the other person, both aware that it makes it easier to speak.
Regulus bites the corner of his mouth in thought, feeling the cold wind hit his nose. “It was really bad,” he says dryly, earning a snort from his brother.
“No shit,” Sirius mutters, leaving them in silence once more. “Really glad you’re okay, though.” Sirius looks at him. “You are okay, right?”
Regulus smiles at his concern softly, but he hides it from Sirius. “Yeah. Better than I ever was.” he clears his throat. “I just–none of this really makes sense to me.”
“None of what makes sense?” Sirius questions quietly.
Regulus takes a deep breath and shrugs. “I just hate that all I think about is them. Their faces and what they said to me. The thought I had when I really thought that they would kill me. How do I get over that?”
“One more thing we have in common, I guess,” Sirius tells him with a grin, making Regulus laugh and shake his head. “What happened?” he asks, his voice losing its playfulness and becoming more serious and concerned.
Regulus sighs. “Someone told them about me being with a guy. I don’t know if it was James they saw me with or someone else. But she forced me to drink truth serum and asked who I was seeing.” he scoffs. “Didn’t end well for me.”
“Who was it? Who told her?” Sirius asks sharply, shoulders going stiff.
Regulus rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to tell you, Sirius, I’m not an idiot.”
Sirius scoffs. “I wouldn’t tell James about any of it.” Regulus looks at him with a question in his eyes and it’s Sirius’ turn to roll his eyes. “He’ll hunt down every last person in the world to find who hurt you. Can’t say I would blame him,” Sirius adds with a grin before looking away. “I’d join him.”
“I can handle myself, you know,” Regulus tells him curtly.
“I know.” Sirius looks sideways at him and frowns. “So, what else happened?”
“Father walked in, saying there was an emergency that needed the both of them.” Regulus scoffs and shakes his head. “Fucking idiots.”
“I’m proud of you,” Sirius tells him earnestly after a few moments. “You might just be the bravest motherfucker I know.”
It’s crazy how one comment can heal some part of Regulus, the little kid inside of him is grinning at the thought of having his brother’s praise. His brother whom he worshipped, Regulus always wanted Sirius to see someone worthy. And now it seems he does. “Thanks,” Regulus whispers, even though a part of them, not the little kid inside of him, but the person he is now, really doesn’t think he’s strong at all.
They go back to silence before Regulus is the one to break it, his voice timid and eyes gaining that faraway look as he watches something in the distance. “I’m really grateful for you, you know? I don’t think I ever got the chance to tell you, but I was always proud of you for deciding when it was time to go. And for giving me the chance to go with you. And for still being here for me despite everything.” Regulus picks at the grass under him. “Just thank you for being a good brother, even when I treated you like shit. I don’t think I deserve it.”
“You’re my brother,” Sirius tells him quietly, his voice sounding like it’s on the verge of breaking. “And you were never a bad one, Reg. You always were there when I needed you in that house, always ready to help me.” Sirius nudges Regulus’ foot with his own. “Remember that night I left? When you stopped Mother from throwing something at me?”
“It was an accident,” Regulus murmurs, recounting that moment in his head.
“Maybe.” Sirius shrugs. “But all it means is that a part of you wanted to stop it. It was an unconscious decision you made. Listen to me when I say that you helped me.” Regulus looks at his brother, at his expression that shows so clearly that he means every word he’s saying. “More than you will probably ever know.”
“Didn’t think you cared,” Regulus comments plainly, no bitterness attached to it, nothing but a fear he has held in his heart for ages.
“All I do is care,” Sirius tells him immediately before bringing the cigarette back to his mouth. “That's all I know.” Sirius sighs. “You asked how to deal with it all? You learn to find real people that love you, and very slowly, the pain lessens. But it never really goes away. And there will be moments when you get scared when someone raises their hand and their voice and suddenly you’re back there.” Regulus looks at his brother and Sirius nods. “But I’ll be there for you. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.” Sirius huffs. “And James, he’s been there for me through everything, he’ll be there whenever you need him as well.”
Regulus doesn’t respond and lets the words sink in, and eventually, the spark of their conversation dies, leaving them in a comfortable silence, a place that Regulus never wants to leave. He’s so thankful for his brother. Probably more than his brother knows. All of a sudden, all of the pain and worry is worth it, now that they can be what they once were. Now that they can have each other again.
☽
James sits in the living room, chewing on his nails, thinking about everything Regulus told him. No matter how many minutes pass, they’re fresh in his mind as if it happened seconds ago. The things Regulus believes about himself. They ring and ring in James’ ears until it makes him sick. They bounce around as if it’s the only thing in his mind before it inevitably fills him with anger. Until he can taste the fury on his tongue, the bitter heat of it all. He jolts out of his spot on the sofa and looks for his jacket, and he swears that he could go over there right now, walk to that house in the freezing cold, with nothing good in mind.
He could’ve then when Sirius showed up here, scared to even look at Effie and Monty for months if his mum didn’t stop him.
And James could’ve right now if Regulus didn’t walk in at that moment, with a soft: “Hey,” stopping James in his tracks even as he was halfway out the door, anger so clear on his features.
“Where are you going?” Regulus asks, his voice like a hook that pulls James in, until he suddenly finds himself standing right in front of Regulus.
He looks at the sadness etched into his features and the anger weaves its way back into James, making him work his jaw to ease the way it clenches. “Nowhere,” James grits out, Regulus’ words ringing in his ears, every horrible lie that his own mother said to him. “I’ll just be right back,” he attempts to reassure, backing out the doorway.
“James!” Regulus calls out behind him sternly, making James come back inside briefly. Regulus shakes his head and looks frustrated, eyes flickering all over James’ face until realisation settles in on Regulus’ eyes and he suddenly looks very angry. “Don’t.”
James hangs his head and sighs. “I can’t function knowing that they made you believe such horrible things about yourself,” he mumbles even with his voice breaking. “How could they do that to you? It’s not fair.”
Regulus sighs softly. “Take me somewhere that we can talk in private.” James lets out a breath and begins walking to his room, checking over his shoulder to make sure Regulus is following him. He’s trying to make the anger fade away, trying to calm himself down and think about something that doesn’t reignite the fire in his veins.
James sits down on his bed with a sigh, looking at a timid Regulus that looks nervous about being here. James pats the spot next to him and flashes a small, sad smile. “Sit with me?” Regulus nods and moves to sit there, stiff as a board, and James grabs hold of his hand, needing to have some part of the two of them touching, just because that’s how he shows appreciation.
Regulus keeps his eyes down, staring at the way James strokes his hand. “I appreciate the way you want to defend me,” he murmurs, “but don’t be an idiot about it.”
“I wasn’t going to do anything,” James grumbles, even though he knows he would’ve. He doesn’t know what, but he knows that anger clouds his vision and blurs the line between right and wrong together. Regulus gives him an unimpressed look, seeing right through him.
Regulus clenches his jaw. “They could’ve killed you.” Regulus’ eyes fill with worry. “Promise me that you won’t ever try it again.”
James sighs and nods. “I won’t. Promise. But, Reg, I need you to know a few things, alright? Can I tell you?”
Regulus gives a small smile, and oh, does James just want to kiss it, but he refrains and opts to kiss Regulus’ hand that he hasn’t let go of, and he realises that he doesn’t ever want to. “Alright,” he whispers.
“You are magnificent,” James tells him earnestly, searching for those grey eyes to find his own brown ones. “All of you, every last bit. And it’s crazy, maybe not crazy at all really, but you make me better every single day.” Regulus’ eyes are finally on his and James nods. “I feel like a better person when I’m with you.”
A faint tint of pink cascades over Regulus’ face, but he shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s not true.”
James laughs lightly. “But it is. You know, I always feel grateful to have someone like you. Someone so strong and smart. And I swear some of it must’ve spread to me because I’ve never felt this way before.” James grins thinking about it. “Like how you taught me to not let things pile up when you taught me how to take care of myself. And you, you are nothing like those people that hurt you. Not even close.”
Regulus stares at him with fondness and grins so brightly that James will swear forever that not even stars can look that beautiful. “I love you,” Regulus whispers, holding his gaze through and through. “I love you,” he says again, louder this time, and suddenly it all falls into place. Love is what James has felt for a long time, something that’s been growing for a few months until it’s all that he feels.
James smiles so big and it’s so genuine that it hurts to try to stop it so he doesn’t, wouldn’t even dream of it. “I love you, too,” James replies, feeling like every inch of himself, inside and out, is on fire.
“Kiss me,” Regulus tells him, sounding gentle in his request, a lovely smile on his face that seems to be reserved for James.
“Well, since you asked so nicely,” James whispers, making Regulus roll his eyes, though it loses its heat when the smile on his face is so fond. James leans in and kisses him quickly, and then again, and again, smiling with each one. Regulus gets frustrated with him leaving so fast, it seems, because suddenly he huffs and tangles one hand in James’ hair, holding him in place so he can really kiss him. And this is where they’re supposed to be, in this place of harmony and euphoria. Just with one another, with the love filling their lungs and entering each other’s hearts like a warm hand.
Regulus pulls off and mutters, “Thank you.”
“For?” James questions, running his hand across Regulus’ freckles, getting thrown back in time to that Halloween night, though the drinks he had that night fogs those memories, and a part of him will be sad because of that. But he vows to memorise those freckles until he knows those constellations like the back of his mind. He vows to run his hands over them forever.
“All of it,” Regulus whispers, always whispering, always seemingly preferring to keep things for only himself and James to know. “I think you brought me back to life.” And really, James would be a fool not to kiss him for that, and Regulus parts his lips for him and they bloom together like a flower in spring, holding onto each other.
A knock hits the door and Regulus nearly throws himself as far away from James as possible, much to James’ dismay. Nobody on the other side of the door speaks so it only prompts James to get closer to Regulus and soothe his anxiety by kissing him more. “It’s alright,” he whispers just quietly enough for Regulus to hear. “Prolly already left,” he dismisses, smiling when Regulus continues to kiss him back with another eye roll.
“You’re trouble,” Regulus mumbles against his lips.
“I’ll give you two seconds before I open this door!” Sirius' voice suddenly shouts from the other side, making James do the exact same thing Regulus did moments before. Regulus looks very sad at James being forced away, but, true to his word, Sirius walks in two seconds later.
“Lovely,” he says from the doorway, eyes only aimed at Regulus, as if James isn’t even here as if James doesn’t even exist to him anymore. The thought alone makes him sick. Sirius suddenly moves until he’s standing between Regulus and James, angling his body completely away from James.
Regulus clears his throat and crosses his arms over his chest, looking unbearably annoyed at Sirius, who only makes his way further into the room. “What do you need?”
Sirius scoffs. “Dinner’s ready. Effie and Monty are here.” James hears Sirius’ voice soften as he asks, “Is that going to be alright?”
Regulus hesitantly nods. “It’ll be fine.”
“They’re the nicest humans that exist,” James reassures, making Regulus look at him and smile shyly. Sirius barely even acknowledges him, and acts like he never heard his voice. James clears his throat awkwardly. “Right, well, I’ll be downstairs,” he says gently, beginning to slink out of the room.
“James,” Regulus calls out quietly, stopping him immediately before walking to his side. “Wait for me.”
“Wait for me,” Sirius teases behind them, making his voice an octave higher than necessary. “Merlin, you two are worse than Remus and me,” he grumbles as he follows right behind them.
“Piss off,” Regulus hisses at him, rolling his eyes and making James grin as he throws an arm around Regulus’ shoulders as they walk downstairs. He can feel the nervousness radiating off of Regulus, so he moves his hand to the other’s lower back, rubbing soothing circles over Regulus’ jumper. Sirius groans and rushes past them to seemingly escape their presence, and James just watches as he goes.
He must have a sad look in his eyes because Regulus stops walking and looks up at James with hope in his eyes. “Just give him time,” he says gently. “He’ll come around.”
James gives a sad smile. “It’s taking quite a while.”
Regulus brings James’ hand to his lips and places a few light kisses on them. “He just doesn’t know how to feel. He’ll talk to you eventually and things will fall back into place.”
James sighs softly. “I hope you’re right.”
Regulus scoffs. “I’m always right.”
They continue to walk into the dining room, sitting directly across from each other, Regulus taking the seat by Sirius, and James’ parents sitting at each head of the table, food scattered on the surface of the table. He watches as Regulus keeps his head down, even as he serves himself food, not even daring to look at James’ parents.
They all seem to be battling uncharted territory, walking on thin ice, not knowing when it’ll break. James and Sirius not talking to one another is something foreign, meaning they’re not able to lighten the mood by telling jokes to anyone or making each other laugh loudly. It means that Monty and Effie don’t know what exactly they should say, or how to ease the tension on their own.
“We’re glad that you’re joining us,” Effie tells Regulus, her voice holding the same softness that it always does.
“Me too,” Regulus responds, quickly darting his eyes to Effie before looking away. “Thank you both for having me, if I’m intruding–”
“You’re always welcome here, Regulus,” Fleamont interrupts suddenly, though his voice is nothing short of kind. James watches some of the tension leave Regulus’s shoulders, just a tiny amount making him visibly more relaxed at the reassurance, making James sad if he ever felt unwelcome.
“Well. Thank you still.” Regulus goes back to keeping his head down and silence resumes except for the forks hitting the plates and gentle music streaming from the living room. James puts his foot on Regulus’, just a little sign to show that he’s here for him, always. Regulus gives a tiny smile that James is always happy to return.
James’ eyes drift over to his father, who's looking at him carefully, something playful in his expression. When their eyes connect Monty raises his eyebrows with a knowing grin on his face, making James’ face go hot as he smiles shyly back. “I remember hearing you enjoy Potions, Regulus, how’s that going?”
Regulus brightens slightly. “It’s going great, actually. I'm at the top of my year in Potions, and I like brewing with Slughorn, but his equipment is a bit outdated. Usually, Slughorn wants me to help other people.”
“What?” Fleamont furrows his eyebrows. “So he doesn't do anything to help you get any better?”
“He says helping others will be the best thing I can do to ever advance my Potions knowledge,” Regulus says simply.
Fleamont shakes his head. “Well, lucky for us, we have all sorts of potion equipment downstairs if you’d like to use them with me. Perhaps you can teach me a thing or two.”
Regulus flashes a tiny smile. “I don’t know how much I could teach you, but I’d like that.” They all fall back into that silence when Fleamont catches James’ eyes again. He mouths I love him with a bright twinkle in his eyes, and James grins before he can help it.
He does too.