Chapter 26
Regulus can’t see very well, the whole world feels like it’s going in and out.
He can feel his shoulder bleeding and throbbing, and his vision keeps blacking out if he walks too fast. But he can’t stop himself from stopping, even when the cold wind hits his face over and over again, even when his legs feel like they’re frozen. He doesn’t know how long he’s been walking, doesn’t know how much longer he has left. But he has to keep going.
Luckily for him, he can see the door in the distance getting closer and closer.
And when he reaches the dark green door to knock, he feels safe, and yet when he sees Andy’s face for the first time in years, he feels even safer. He knows it, it engulfs him. “Hey,” he mumbles casually as if he doesn't look like a mess, suddenly appearing after all this time, looking like this. “I’m not staying forever, but I was, um, just wondering if I could stay the night?”
He looks at Andy, watching her eyes fill with worry, fill with tears. Andy was always so sensitive, she bathed in her tears and was never afraid of them. Even when her sisters were so mean to her because of it, Regulus remembers that she was never ashamed of it. It's what made her so strong. “Not even a question.” She moves out of the doorway to let him in. “Come in.”
Regulus is just lucky that he memorised her address all those years ago, that he had overheard Andromeda tell Sirius it and repeated it over and over again in his mind until it became second nature.
He smiles as best as he can through the pain, though by the look on Andy’s face he can tell that she sees right through it. He didn’t even know that it was possible, but somehow being here, finally feeling safe and not like he was running for his life, only makes the pain worse. “Sorry,” he mumbles as he walks through the door, praying he doesn’t get blood on her carpet, hoping he doesn’t pass out.
“Shit,” she whispers, eyes latching to his arm with widened and fearful eyes. “Dora’s sleeping so we have to be quiet, we can go in–Regulus, are you alright?”
Regulus sees black swarm in his vision but he tries so hard to blink it away. “Yeah, just,” his voice sounds far away to him, so distant and like it’s not even his, “just.” Regulus knows what he wants to say, and can feel them right on the edge of his tongue. But his mind isn’t allowing him to speak, his mind is yelling at him to rest.
Regulus can make out Andy’s voice in the distance but doesn’t even get the chance to understand what she’s saying before he’s collapsing on the ground.
☽
James paces back and forth.
Over.
And over.
And over again.
He passes by the fireplace in his living room almost a million times before his mother finally walks into the living room, catching him in the process.
She sighs softly when she sees him, and James stops in his place, trying his best to stay composed. He quickly learns that it’s hard to do when he’s driven by fear and anxiety and hasn’t slept a wink, and it’s even harder when he sees the way his mother looks at him with so much love and worry that he thinks he could drown in it.
She walks over to him and gently grabs his hand, leading him to the couch and they sit side by side on it. “What’s wrong?” she asks, guiding his head to her shoulder as she runs her fingers through his hair.
James closes his eyes to the sensation, and for a moment it’s like everything inside him goes still. The fires go out, the tide calms and the wars stop raging. A split second, just from his mother beside him, brings him the rest that he desires so deeply. But no part of him is capable of succumbing to relaxation when Regulus is out there, somewhere that James doesn’t know. All of that peace only lasts a second, and everything raging inside of him resumes eventually. “I don’t know what to do,” James whispers to his mother, a knot growing in his throat. “And I’m so scared.”
“With what, James?” She asks him urgently. “Let me help you.”
The softness and urgency in her voice go hand in hand with making James break down. Tears start falling and he can’t make them stop.
He’s crying for many things, crying from having his mother take his side through everything, crying for Regulus and fear for him, crying and crying. Crying until it turns into tears for everything. Tears spilled for all his mistakes, for making Sirius hurt, ever hurting Regulus. Tears of regret and pain and everything horrid and lovely in between.
He cries for so long that time blends together. His crying slows into embarrassment that his mother never wants him to feel. He rests his head on his mother’s shoulder while she whispers warm words that he has no energy to decipher, until sleep welcomes him, takes him, and holds him tight.
He never really realised how much sleep can feel like his mother’s embrace.
☽
When Regulus wakes up, the warmth of the bed and the love that drenches the room momentarily startle him. It takes a little for him to remember everything that happens, but when it comes back, a wave of anxiety rushes over him. He looks to his side and finds Andy staring at him, watching over him as if she’s worried he’s going to break. Relief fills her eyes in an instant, making them soft.
“Hey,” Regulus whispers, his voice hoarse and rough. Andy pushes a glass of water towards it and he hesitates as he looks at it. Realistically, he knows that his cousin wouldn’t ever do what his parents did to him, but the two liquids are too similar for his brain to think logically. And just looking at the glass makes his stomach drop in fear that everything will happen all over again, fears that it will never quite go away. He pulls the glass near him but doesn’t yet bring it to his lips, doesn’t know if he ever can.
“Morning,” Andy whispers back. “Feeling alright?” Regulus takes a second to find an answer to that question. Physically, he feels brand new without the throbbing pain in his shoulder and the fatigue in his bones. Emotionally, he feels okay. He’s scared of what will happen when his parents find his note and find his room empty. He’s glad to be out of that house. But the two emotions fight for power in his brain, and he can’t tell which one is winning.
“Better,” Regulus decides on saying.
"I used some of my potions to help you, but there's going to be some scarring on your shoulders," Andy tells him gently, making Regulus nod.
"I feel rested," Regulus tells her.
Andy laughs lightly. “I hope so, you slept for a whole day and a half.”
Panic fills his body in an instant. He's known from the very beginning that Sirius was wary about this. He's probably worried out of his mind. “Shit,” Regulus exclaims quickly when he hears that, his body coming alive as he attempts to shoot out of his bed. As if he’d even know how to get the message to his brother. He just doesn’t want them to worry, he didn’t mean to keep them in the dark for this long. His muscles feel sore from being in bed for so many hours and he groans as he stands. “Shit,” he says again.
“Regulus,” Andy says warily, following him as he walks. Regulus notices the new clothes he has on, a lot bigger on him, and no doubt belonging to Ted. “Regulus, calm down, where are you going?”
Regulus lets out a frustrated huff as he walks to the living room, mind running with all possible ideas. He just wants to let them know that he’s alright, but he doesn’t know how to do that here. His cousin has shifted to a more normal life, there are no owls, and no floos available. The only thing she has that’s magical is the healing creams and potions that she keeps for emergencies. He’d run all the way to the Potter’s house if he had an address. “I need to tell him,” he replies frantically.
Andy stops him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Slow down, Reg, tell who?”
Regulus sinks his eyes shut, feeling everything crumble within him, castles that were already decaying being torn down and broken apart. He loves Andy, he does, but he wants to go home. To Sirius. To James. They’re home to him. And he longs to go back to both of them. “Sirius,” he tells her, voice breaking as he thinks of his brother. “I need to make sure he’s alright.”
Andy pulls him close into a hug, softly stroking his hair, making every part of Regulus feel small, making him feel like he can start to relax. “I’ll call him for you,” she tells him, her voice sounding oddly strangled as if she was crying. It takes Regulus a little bit longer than necessary to realise that she is. Andy clears her throat. “So, you two are alright, then?”
“Yeah,” Regulus admits, feeling his eyes well up with tears that he blinks away, even though nobody is there to see him. “We’re better now.”
“I’m glad you two made it,” she confesses. Regulus can hear the remorse in her voice, for her own sisters that she never reconciled with, that she left behind for her benefit. When Regulus had heard about it, he hated her for it. It was long before Sirius had left and he couldn’t help but imagine what he’d do if his brother left him behind like that.
He couldn’t really understand at a young age that she did what she needed to do. But he gets it now, he got it the moment that he had to leave. A part of him thinks that he always did, he just didn’t want to ever admit that he’d never get a normal family.
“Me too,” he responds, gently pulling away from her embrace, and staring up at her. He gets to really look at her and notices that she’s gotten older in all the years apart. Her blue eyes still hold that gentleness and the only change is how much happier she looks. He’s forever grateful for her, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever fully understand her overflowing kindness that she has shown him. “It’s not too late.”
“I’m afraid it might be.” She smiles sadly, her blue eyes wet. “I don’t think they could ever forgive me. I have a family now.” She clears her throat. “Sometimes, I don’t think I can forgive myself. I don’t think our family’s really built for forgiveness.”
Regulus laughs. “Probably right, honestly.”
“Do you forgive Sirius?” She asks cautiously, and it’s almost like she’s asking for herself like she's imagining how her sisters might feel based on how he does.
He takes a few moments, thinking back to those nights in that huge house, back to him being alone. Thinking back to everything he said about Sirius, everything that he thought he believed. Regulus hated him after he’d walked away, told himself over and over again that he’d never talk to his brother again, and that he was happy about it. His brain was always repeating that Sirius would never be forgiven.
But all of it seems fictitious now.
The thing that Regulus struggled to come to terms with was that he forgave Sirius the night that he left.
“Yes,” Regulus admits, scared of how easily it comes out of his mouth. He shakes his head and snaps back into himself. “Can you call him?”
Andy grins.
☽
The phone rings in the middle of the day.
The Potter house has been unusually quiet the past few days, with no running and playing in the backyard. No obnoxious laughing from Sirius because of the horrible jokes that James had said. It’s the middle of the afternoon, two days after James and Sirius were supposed to get Regulus. Three days after the letter. Seventy-two hours of being stuck in this loop of fear.
James sits at the desk in his dad’s study, picking at his nails, a book closed in his lap that he can’t bring himself to focus on. His dad said it might help to get lost in a novel, but he didn’t know that just saying that would make James think of Regulus and send him feeling hollow again, amplifying his concern for how Regulus is doing, leaving him feeling scared that he’s not alright, his mind unhelpfully supplying him with situations Regulus could be in that makes him sick to his stomach.
His thoughts are so loud sometimes that he has to ground himself and remind himself what he knows. He knows that Sirius is in the kitchen, cooking silently alongside James’ mum, just to distract himself. He wonders if Sirius feels similarly. They haven’t really talked, both just living in this neverending state of worry, and then more worry, and even more worry on top of that. He knows his dad is probably brewing some potion downstairs, probably trying to think of ways to help Sirius and James. He knows nothing about Regulus.
But the phone rings in the middle of the day.
It almost doesn’t register in his brain, he really doesn’t even care about it until he hears that it suddenly stops, signalling that somebody in the house answered it. Nobody really uses the phone. It’s a muggle device that the Potter family loves, and Remus sometimes used to use it, before he learned that he was welcome to just show up at any time. Lily used to use it over the summer, back when James would listen to her talk for hours late at night, but she hasn’t called in ages.
Plus during the winter holidays, nobody ever calls. Everyone’s all so busy until New Year's Eve that the Potter phone is lonely with nobody calling to check in.
But even then, James can’t bring himself to care. He figures that it’s more logical for it to be Remus checking on Sirius, or even one of James’ dad’s friends calling to ask him a question. James can hear the inexplicable laugh that belongs to Sirius, and James figures he’s only laughing at Remus. He doesn’t even know how Sirius is able to laugh given the circumstances.
He’s not mad at it, James is glad that Sirius is finally able to, he just wishes that he was able to.
“‘James,” his father says from the doorway, a small, excited grin on his face. “The phone’s for you.”
“Dad,” James begins to whine, shaking his head like an annoying child, “just tell them I’m busy.” James realises that he sounds like a petulant child, but he can’t help it. He just wants to be alone at all times, just until he knows that Regulus is okay. That's all he needs, really.
His dad furrows his eyebrows at him in genuine confusion. “Busy doing what?”
James glances down at the closed and unread book on his lap, but he still holds it up for his dad to see, trying his best to prove his case. “Reading,” he mumbles.
His dad frowns and he stares blankly at James. “James.” He sighs. “Go get the phone.”
James sighs loudly but eventually does what his dad asks him to do, slowly leaving the study, walking as if his shoes were full of water. Sirius holds the phone out for him, eyes twinkling, and James resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Hello, Remus,” he says quietly into the phone, hating that his voice sounds sad, making a mental note to add cheeriness to his voice.
He hears a scoff on the other end of the line. “Well, so sorry to disappoint.”
James’ eyes widen and he presses the phone closer to his ear, hoping they weren’t deceived, hoping it’s not just a figment of his imagination. But he’d know that voice and that scoff anywhere. “Regulus?” James questions, his voice as shaky as his whole body feels.
“Unfortunately,” Regulus answers back dryly, making James shake his head even if Regulus can’t see him. His voice sounds…tired. Sad, even. James doesn’t even want to think about what he went through, doesn’t want to imagine why it sounds that way.
“No, not at all,” he shoots back immediately. “What–wh–Christ, are you alright, are you hurt?” James needs to know, he can’t function until he hears it.
“I’m alright, James,” Regulus reassures softly. Oh, James didn’t know how much this stress had affected his bones until there was a sudden absence of it, causing every muscle in his bone to relax as if it was the first time in years. “Andy helped fix me up.”
He feels a pang in his chest. “Good. That’s—that’s so good, Reg, I can’t even explain it..” He smiles softly at the sound of Regulus laughing quietly. There’s something entirely special in seeing Regulus laugh. James can’t explain how ready he is to hear it filling his ears, to see it in those grey eyes, and to taste the happiness on his tongue. “Merlin, is it really you?”
“It’s me. Promise.”
James’ eyes water and he laughs weakly, he feels like he’s floating. “I’ve been so worried for you.”
“Yeah, I know,” Regulus whispers. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t apologise,” James is quick to say. “If it’s what you needed to do then it’s what you needed to do.”
“It’s what I needed to do,” Regulus tells him softly, his voice breaking. All James wishes to do is hold him, to try and take away all that pain that he went through. And now he can, he just has to wait a little while longer. “How have you been?” Regulus asks him after a moment.
“Pretty shit, honestly,” James tells him truthfully. “But I don’t even care now that I know you’re doing alright. I’ll be even better when I can see you again and just be able to hold you and know for certain that you’re doing great.”
“Shouldn’t be that much longer,” Regulus tells him. “Andy said she’ll take me to your house tomorrow.”
James’ smile grows on his face. “Excited?”
There are a few beats of silence, more than James expects from his question. “More than anything,” Regulus says finally, his voice uncertain in a way that James knows he’s trying to cover up. He can hear the sadness return and it makes his heart shatter.
“Are you okay?” James finds himself asking, wanting to hit himself over asking something so dumb. Of course, he’s probably not okay, after everything that he went through, James knows that he might not be okay.
Regulus doesn’t answer immediately, and James doesn’t rush him. “Yeah, James, I’m okay.”
James is about to respond before he hears a little girl rambling in the background, too quiet for him to really understand. He hears Regulus speaking to her gently, a smile in every word that he says to her. “Sorry,” Regulus says a few seconds later clearly into the phone. “Dora wants me to eat lunch with her.”
“It’s alright,” James responds happily, beyond ecstatic. “I understand if you need to go.”
Regulus hums. “Can I call you tonight? Just for a few seconds, just so I know that everything’s alright?” His voice is unsure and wary as if James would ever deny him of anything that he asked for.
James’ heart swells with fondness and he grins. “Of course, Reg. I’ll just be waiting by the phone like a modern-day Juliet.”
“Shut up,” Regulus tells him with a laugh, and James can practically hear the blush cascading over his face. “That makes me Romeo, I suppose?”
“Well, obviously,” he states.
Regulus scoffs. “Obviously,” he mocks. Dora’s voice returns in the distance, this time sounding more impatient and bossy. “Yes, Dora, I’ll be there in two seconds, I promise.” Regulus sighs. “Guess I should go.”
“That’s alright, darling,” James reassures, “I’ll talk to you tonight.”
He laughs lightly. “Talk to you soon, mon bonheur.” The line clicks and before James knows it, he’s left with silence filling his ears once more. Slowly he puts the phone back and feels as if he’s starting new, like water had washed over him in waves, leaving him remembering how it felt like to breathe again.
☽
Regulus sits at the dining room table quietly, keeping his head down as he eats. Dora fills the silence by rambling on to her parents, speaking about anything that comes to her mind. He can feel Andromeda staring at him, but he can’t bring himself to look at anyone.
He just can’t help but feel horrible about himself. When he talked to his brother, he could hear the fear in his voice, could hear the way he was losing his mind with each second of living without knowledge of how Regulus was doing. With James too. Regulus never wanted to scare them, but he knows now that there was no way that he didn’t.
Regulus also can’t help but feel like all that darkness in that house has attached itself to him. Tainted him, in a way. He’s so scared that all the bad things are becoming him, that there’s nothing he can do but follow in his family’s footsteps, that he’ll be cruel and cold like they were.
He’s so scared that that is what James will see.
He’s so scared of hurting the ones he loves the most.
He’s just scared of everything.
And being here and being out of that house should’ve meant that he stopped living with that fear. He hates that it lives in him. Hates that he can’t tell if all the cruelty can be attributed to his parents, or if that’s who he’s been all along. It’s gnawing at him. Biting and pulling at his skin, crawling its way out.
“Regulus,” someone says softly, his head snapping up to find Dora talking to him.
“Yeah?” He answers finally, keeping his voice as even as he can. Dora has looked at him since the very beginning with childhood curiosity, but she has never once viewed him as an intruder. Regulus is so glad that Andy was able to raise a child with love and kindness, he can see how beautifully Andy and Ted raised her. It’s refreshing, in a way. It gives him hope that good things can come from bad pasts.
“Were you talking to your boyfriend earlier?” She asks bluntly, casually, while eating a bite of ice cream that she begged her parents to have. The question catches Regulus off guard and he feels his face go warm as he nervously looks at Andy and Ted. Both stare at Regulus with a question in their eyes, but never once seeming unsettled by it.
“Dora,” Ted says, exasperated, “what did I tell you about keeping some questions inside your mind?”
“I was just asking,” Dora mumbles. “He was blushing when talking to someone that he asked Sirius for .”
Regulus splutters and Dora giggles at him. “I was not blushing,” Regulus mutters under his breath. “Yes, he’s my boyfriend,” Regulus tells her finally, a small smile slithering on his face before he can help it.
Dora nods and eats another bite of ice cream. “Mummy says that love should belong to everybody and that it shouldn’t be limited.” Dora looks at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Do you love him?”
“Dora,” Andy begins as a warning, an amused smile on her face that she tries and fails to hide.
“Yes,” Regulus tells Dora, watching as she lights up. “I do.” It’s the first time he’s admitted it out loud, and the only thing it changes is how certain he is about it. He loves James. But it adds fuel to the fire of fear he carries in his heart.
He loves James, and he’s scared of it. He loves James, and he wants to gently hold it in the palm of his hands, never letting go. He loves James, and he doesn’t want him to see the cruelty in his heart, so he wonders constantly if James can see right through him.
“That’s good.” She takes another bite. “Does he love you back?”
Regulus feels himself smile uncontrollably, and he tries to conceal it. “I’d like to think so.” He remembers when James called him someone he loved, but he had been so distraught that James probably didn’t even know that he said it, probably didn’t even know that he caused Regulus’ heart to stop beating and resume like he was born again with just those words.
She giggles and looks satisfied enough to stop asking questions. He looks nervously at Andy and Ted, both of which reassure him immediately with proud smiles. They talk at the table for a little while longer, an hour of listening to stories of how Andy and Ted met, laughing at stories of Regulus and Sirius as little kids. Regulus even tells some of his own. Tells them stories about James without mentioning his name, tells them about reconciling with Sirius, and everything that’s happened in between all of it.
Afterward, they settle in the living room and decide to watch a movie together, with Andy and Ted curled up on one sofa and Dora laying on Regulus on the other. Halfway through the movie she picked, Dora falls asleep and Ted’s the one to take her to bed upstairs, Andy not far behind. She stops by where Regulus is sitting and ruffles up his hair. “I’m so happy for you, Reg,” she whispers.
He doesn’t really know what to say, just decides to grin at her and nod. “Thank you,” he whispers back. “For everything.”
She teasingly rolls her eyes. “It’s really not a problem. I’m just glad you’re finally out. I knew you could do it.”
Regulus lets out a deep breath. “Yeah. Me too.”
“Night, Reggie,” she tells him softly.
“Goodnight,” he responds, debating how to ask the question that’s invaded his brain since the afternoon. “Um, is it alright if I use your phone?”
She raises her eyebrows at him and grins. “Gonna call your boyfriend?” She teases, laughing at how his face goes pink and the glare he aims at her. “Of course, I’ll dial it for you, follow me.”
He sits on the chair by the phone and holds it to his ear, hearing it ring softly. Andy squeezes her hand on his shoulder and walks away, leaving him to sit there alone. The phone continues to ring, and Regulus briefly wonders if he called too late, worries about if James is okay until he hears the ringing stop and a familiar voice say; “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you wait.”
Regulus sags in relief and smiles. “It’s alright.”
They sit in silence for a few seconds, Regulus’ mind whirring with thoughts. “What are you thinking about?” James asks suddenly, voice soft and gentle. Regulus wishes he could see him, but he doesn’t know how he's going to be. Regulus runs his hand along the raised scar on his shoulder.
He sighs softly, so much he wants to say, but none of it sounds right, none seems like the right time. “Just thinking.” He clears his throat. “I just feel so different.”
“In a good way?”
Regulus thinks, the two going back to that familiar silence that Regulus keeps taking them to. He doesn’t know why he can’t just snap back to normal. He wants to. He just wants things to go back to how they once were. But he doesn’t even know if that will ever happen again, and it scares him more than anything. “I don’t think so,” Regulus confesses quietly. “I don’t know, I don’t really want to think right now.”
“Okay,” James tells him simply, “I can just talk if you’d like that more, or we can hang up if that’s what you prefer.”
Regulus feels his body relax and he smiles. “I’d like the first one.”
He can practically hear James grin on the other line. “Well, I just want to say that you and I are definitely baking cookies.”
Regulus laughs under his breath. “Why’s that?”
James hums. “I dunno. I just think it’s cute. I keep thinking about it being late at night, like how it is now, and we just bake something.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever baked before,” Regulus admits casually, trying to think back to a time that he ever needed to with Kreacher there.
James gasps dramatically. “What? Merlin, we will be fixing that as soon as you’re here.” James continues talking, but Regulus can hardly keep up with how excitedly he rambles on, Regulus just loves being able to hear his voice. His heart broke when he heard the tiredness in his voice earlier in the day, and he’s over the moon that he sounds so much happier now.
“And you know, it’s really pretty here. The stars are all out and it’s so quiet, I know you’d love it here.” Love. Yes, he loves James. It’s on the tip of his tongue, and he wants to say it. But he wants to see it on James’ face, wants to feel it around him when they're together.
“Are they?” He asks fondly, the softness and love in his voice so apparent, even to himself.
James doesn’t even falter, doesn’t even notice. “Definitely. Nobody lives around us. I used to be sad because of that, but now it’s lovely.”
“Sad?” Regulus questions, curious at the thought of learning something new about James.
“I was lonely,” James mumbles, voice sad as if he still feels that way.
“I didn’t know that,” Regulus mutters.
James clears his throat and lowers his voice. “Well, I always was as a little kid. I didn’t have anywhere near me to play with, and when I was old enough to play with kids at school before Hogwarts, they were quite mean.” He laughs lightly, trying to shake it off, but Regulus frowns, not even understanding how anyone could be mean to someone as kindhearted as James. “They didn’t like me, but I guess that’s why I am the way I am.”
“And what’s that?” Regulus questions. “How do you view yourself?”
James pauses. “Loud,” he confesses quietly, trying to keep his voice light. “Obnoxious. Annoying. I know I’m all these things and people don’t like it, but I just always feel like that’s how I have to be so that some people like me.”
“You shouldn’t ever feel bad for who you are,” Regulus is quick to say, meaning it with everything in him, wanting and willing to repeat it a million times over if it meant James would believe it. “I think these things are what make you so brilliant, so wonderful, and lovely. Beautiful. That's what you are.”
“You think so?” James asks wondrously, his voice a mere whisper.
Regulus smiles. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more certain about anything.”
“You mean so much to me,” James tells him quietly, so much adoration and care in his voice like each syllable said was formed with so much thought and made just for Regulus’ ears, everything he says was meant entirely for only Regulus to hear.
“You mean more,” Regulus whispers, a secret for the two of them to keep, even though how they feel for each other is so intoxicating that everyone can probably feel and see it. He didn’t know that love could feel so beautiful, he didn’t know that he was worthy of feeling something so magical. But he was picked for it, and he feels it, and it has to be for a reason.