Chapter 22
Making things right with Sirius is harder than Regulus anticipated.
The very first time that he attempted to corner Sirius in the corridors, he lost all nerve and turned in the opposite direction Sirius was headed, hating himself for trying.
The second time that he tried Regulus almost did it. Except, Sirius turned away and practically ran from him as soon as he spotted Regulus trying to speak to him. And Regulus didn’t even bother trying to catch him, he got frustrated with Sirius for running and found that it would be pointless to be angry while trying to talk to Sirius about something important.
The thing is, Regulus knows he can ask James and he would try his best to help Regulus in any way that he could. He knows with everything in him that James would. But he wants to do it on his own and needs to do it alone, or Sirius will think that he only did it for James. The idea of telling Sirius about James eats him alive, it keeps him up at night with all possibilities scrambling around his brain.
But that won’t happen until Regulus tries to make it right.
The third time has to be the charm, right?
Wrong.
“Why do you keep following me everywhere?” Sirius snaps at him in the middle of an empty corridor, catching Regulus by surprise.
“I wasn’t,” Regulus responds quickly, even though technically he was following him down this corridor until he found the guts to reach out to Sirius.
Sirius scoffs in obvious disbelief. “So I never see you and then all of a sudden I see you three times over a span of three days? But sure, you’re not following me.”
A part of Regulus is actually shocked that Sirius has been paying attention to the number of times they’d seen each other. Somehow, he truly believed that he had gone these past few days unnoticed. Sirius continues speaking, “Look if you and any of your stupid fucking friends are trying to kill me or something, please make it quick, I have places to be.”
Regulus rolls his eyes. “So bloody dramatic,” he mutters under his breath. “I’m not going to do anything.” Sirius still looks unconvinced. “I was just…just,” And for whatever reason, Regulus can’t get any words out of his mouth. Can’t say what is needed to be said. Because they’re talking. It’s only been a few seconds, sure, but there’s been no yelling so far. They’ve listened to each other before resorting to shouting, which is a start that Regulus hadn’t been expecting.
“Was just? What?” Sirius prods, clearly becoming impatient with each second that Regulus just stands there not speaking.
Suddenly from the corner of his eye, just over Sirius’ shoulder, Regulus can see three figures inching closer to them, talking amongst each other and not even noticing either brother. Regulus panics as he sees them and decides that he absolutely needs to leave. It’ll just be a mess if he sticks around. “I have to go,” he says quickly, and Sirius scoffs and shakes his head like this was the outcome he’d been expecting all along. “I’ll tell you later.”
Regulus turns to go and expects to be out in an instant until a hand grabs his sleeve and Sirius is the one holding it, looking even more upset than before. The three boys are closer now, but still haven’t quite realized that Sirius and Regulus are there right under their noses. “No, just tell me now.”
“Sirius.” Regulus urges eyes darting to the boys, watching as all three of them notice the two brothers at the same time, notices each boy’s eyes widen when they see Sirius holding onto Regulus, looking angry. “Let me go, and we’ll talk later.” But there’s no point. Regulus isn’t going to be off the hook, and he’s already been caught by the three boys who stand on Sirius’ side, right next to him, all probably ready to defend Sirius against anyone that wrongs him.
Regulus can respect it. He’s glad that Sirius has some people that would fight wars for him. He’s always grateful for that. Even if it kills him to know that Regulus would be the first one to fight, yet the last to gain any recognition from Sirius.
Uncontrollably, Regulus’ eyes flicker to James, trying to figure out what he’s thinking about behind his glasses. Sirius notices it because of how much he wants Regulus to speak, and he scoffs. “Listen, if you’re not going to speak to me because you still have some kind of obsession with James then I’ll tell them all to go.”
Regulus feels his face heat up and already knows that it’s growing pink. “That’s not even true,” Regulus hisses, desperately needing Sirius to stop talking. James looks amused, as do Remus and Peter, and maybe it is funny to them. But Regulus is so tired of Sirius always trying his hardest to embarrass him, still fueled by the need to be funny by being cruel.
Sirius scoffs. “Oh please, yes, it is. We all saw it when you met him, and don’t act like I couldn’t see the way you used to trip over yourself just to talk to him or hear from him.”
“That literally never happened,” Regulus defends uselessly. “I hated him, never liked him even from the beginning.”
Sirius looks at him with a straight face reading him better than anyone else, knowing him like he always has. He looks like he just knows something that even Regulus hasn’t learned yet. “Okay. Sure.”
Regulus huffs at Sirius, avoiding looking at James. “I can’t stand you.”
“Figured as much,” Sirius says with a sigh. “Well if you’re not going to kill me, and you’re not going to tell me why you’re hunting me down, then can I go? We have things to do.”
Regulus’ eyes flicker to Sirius’ right and he makes eye contact with Remus, who looks at him sympathetically. And almost as if he knows Regulus’ intentions, he gently pats Sirius’s shoulders. “We can do it some other time, Pads. Maybe just talk with him.”
Sirius groans and looks to the other boys on his left that just nod in agreement. “No way, we’ve waited ages for this.”
“There will be other times, Sirius,” Peter pipes in. “I think you’ve waited longer for this,” he says signaling between Regulus and Sirius.
“It’s fine,” Regulus finally manages to chime in weakly. “I don’t–” Want to burden anyone. Want Sirius to feel obligated. Want Sirius to be angry that he missed out on whatever he has planned. Want to take yet another thing away from him. Regulus sighs. “it’s fine.”
“Regulus,” James says with his voice dull of pity and sympathy, stepping just barely closer to him and Regulus steps backward.
Regulus shakes his head. “I said that it’s fine,” he snaps in frustration. “I swear.”
And away Regulus walks. Frustrated to no end and all motivation lost.
But he still tries again two days later.
Well, he doesn’t actually fully mean to, wasn’t walking around the school with the intention to find his brother, nor was he in the mood or right state of mind to reconcile, but it still happened. Maybe it was just meant to happen that way.
“Hey,” Sirius blurts as soon as they spot each other, stopping Regulus in his tracks.
Regulus sighs and looks over at his brother. “Yes?”
Sirius looks fearful, walking on eggshells, acting like Regulus is a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up on him. “Sorry about…everything I said. I was just stressed the other day, I wasn’t trying to be…you know. Do you think we could talk now?”
Regulus looks at him for a moment before hesitantly nodding and they enter an abandoned classroom conveniently next to them. Sirius stands on one side of the room, and Regulus on the other side.
Regulus sighs deeply and can’t bring himself to look at Sirius as he says quietly, “I wanted to say…that I was sorry.”
A few beats of silence. “What?”
Regulus rolls his eyes. “Don’t make me say it again, you heard it.” Regulus clenches his jaw as he tries to find the words to say. “I think I was just waiting for you to be joking. Because I wasn’t expecting any of it. And went and assumed the worst. Just like I always have been.”
Sirius lets out a breath that resembles relief and a slight laugh. “Yeah, I figured. You have to know, Regulus. I wasn’t trying to make things better just because I wanted a final laugh for our parents. I meant everything I said. I want to be your brother because I want to be your brother. That’s all there is to it.”
Regulus bites the corner of his mouth. “I don’t know. For so long Sirius, there hasn’t been a moment where I felt as though you’d choose me before you chose Potter, or Lupin, Peter.”
“But I would,” Sirius urges.
“You said–” Regulus feels his breath catch. “You said that I was never there. You wanted to say that you hoped Potter was your brother. How do I move on from that?”
Sirius’ eyes sink shut. “I’m so, so sorry, Reg. More than anything. I don’t think I will ever not regret saying that to you. But it’s not true. I-I got so angry, so mad that you weren’t going to try. But I don’t truly feel that way. None of it was true. You’ve been there for me.”
“Not as much as I should’ve been,” Regulus mutters. “And I hate myself for it. There was so much that I missed, so much I never knew about, so much I would’ve loved to hear about.”
Sirius smiles weakly, full of sadness. “I know. But the only thing we can do now is learn it all again. Start over.”
“I know. I just don’t think I know how to do that. Hanging out with you again,” Regulus confesses. “And we fight so much, and I bring up bad memories–”
“Come live with me,” Sirius interrupts, gaining a sudden excited shimmer in his eyes.
Regulus furrows his eyebrows. “I don’t–”
“Oh, that would be so much fun, Regulus. We could finally spend a real, proper holiday together! Remus and Peter would come over on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve, and all five of us would have the most fun.”
Sirius practically jumps with excitement, just like he used to before his fire burnt out at Grimmauld Place. Regulus hasn’t seen it in him in forever, and he realizes in an instant just how amazing the Potters have been for Sirius. It relieves him, even if he’s always had a feeling, just to see it in person makes him lose stress in his shoulders that Regulus didn’t even know he was carrying. “And on Christmas Day we’d wake up early to open gifts, drink hot cocoa, and play some music, it would genuinely be the best Christmas ever.”
Regulus shakes his head slightly. “I couldn’t possibly ask Potter’s parents to do something like that, Sirius, that’s asking for so much. They wouldn’t agree to that.”
Sirius shakes his head. “Okay, one, they definitely would. There’s more than enough room there, and they’re kind people like that. But if they somehow didn’t, then you and I would save up enough money to buy a flat, and you’d get out of there and we’d be safe together. We could do it.”
Regulus feels a lump in his throat that he absolutely forces himself to get rid of. “Would you really? You’d give up all that for me?”
Sirius looks at Regulus as if he’s crazy. “Of course, I would, Reg. They’re going to say yes, for sure, I know it. But also if you didn’t want to stay there because of James or something, or whatever holds you back, I’d do the same thing just so you’re out of that place.”
Regulus scoffs and tries to act nonchalant, even though he’s tearing up inside, even though he feels like a mess. “I’m not going to force you out there.”
“So you’ll come?” Sirius asks hopefully.
“I’ll think about it,” Regulus clarifies.
Sirius deflates ever so slightly, but that hope is still in his eyes. “You need to meet my friends, Reg, properly. We can do it all now.”
“I don’t know about that, with that many idiots in a room I feel like I might lose some of my sanity and intelligence,” Regulus teases, feeling overwhelmed with everything that comes with Sirius. Not him, but all his friends being together in that bright red common room, interrogating and asking him questions, looking at him, or walking on eggshells. That won’t happen today. “One day I will.”
Sirius groans but eventually nods. “Okay, fine, but what about just the Marauders, just an easy introduction to my closet friends?”
“The Marauders?” Regulus questions in disbelief. “Why the fuck would you willingly go around calling yourselves that?”
Sirius glares at him, and something inside Regulus grins as if there was a competition on how quickly he’d piss Sirius off. “I’ll have you know that we made it up in the second year, at twelve mind you, and it just stuck with us.”
Regulus sighs dramatically as if he’s not overjoyed about being able to see James there, as if he’s not relishing in the fact that he finally has his brother on his side. “Fine. I’ll meet them.”
Sirius grins. “You’ll love them. ‘Fraid you no longer have a chance with Jamsie though, just barely missed him.”
Regulus glares at him and clears his throat. “One, I never wanted a chance with him, and I can’t even believe that you’d tell him that.” Sirius does at least look like he feels bad, despite the fact that he laughs. “And two, why do you say I have no chance?”
“Because he’s fucking smitten with some girl that he won’t tell us about. Very mysterious about the whole thing, quiet. Which is so unlike him, so I just hope she’s not forcing him to be that way.”
Regulus looks at Sirius through narrowed eyes. “Don’t you think that he’s old enough to be capable of realizing what’s good for him?”
Sirius shrugs. “Prongs. He’s driven by love. And when he’s driven by pure love like he is now, it breaks every logical bone in his body.”
Regulus clears his throat again, awkwardly. Love? No. There’s no way. And yet. Something clicks in Regulus’ mind. The way he feels so different in James’ arms, something looming over them and inside him. That’s love for him. But is it the same for James, Regulus doesn’t know, couldn’t possibly know for sure. Doesn't want to imagine what it would do to Regulus if he fall in love and fought out it went unreturned.
“So, am I meeting them or not?” Regulus asks so as to not think about James associated with heartbreak any longer.
Sirius grins and leads the way.
They talk the whole way there, nudging each other like they used to do as little kids. Regulus even trips Sirius on the way there, and Sirius threatens to beat him up, but he’s smiling too hard so his threat falls flat. Regulus insults Sirius’ hair, an easy blow because it upsets Sirius to no end. But in return, Sirius insults Regulus’ jewelry, which makes him ignore Sirius the entire rest of the walk to his dorm. Regulus is surprised to think about how easily they fall back to old habits. There’s very little awkwardness, almost none at all. It feels as if they didn't stop talking for a few years, it feels normal. But Regulus knows that it's probably due to the fact that they're still overjoyed with the happiness that comes from having each other, and it's only an amount of time before they start fighting each other like they used to do.
Sirius pauses in front of his door. “They’re a little…” he trails off while trying to find the right word for them.
“Loud, obnoxious, annoying, and idiotic?” Regulus lists in suggestion and smiles when Sirius predictably glares sharply at him.
“Maybe. Just don’t get all weird with them, don’t hate them just because of assumptions.”
Regulus rolls his eyes. “I would never.”
Sirius eyes him suspiciously before sighing and opening the door. He dramatically walks inside it and puts a hand pressed to his chest as he pretends to act somber. “My lovers, I have returned. With my less attractive, shorter, more annoying little brother.”
Regulus follows his brother inside with a scowl and kicks him in the shin. “I will not hesitate to leave right now.”
Sirius frowns and holds his leg. “That one hurt, actually.”
“It was supposed to,” he responds. “Also I’m taller than you by a whole inch, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Sirius looks offended. “Fuck off, you are not.”
“Yes, I am.”
Regulus grows irritated and so does Sirius. “No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes.”
“No–” Someone clears their throat from the room and both brothers finally realize that other people are watching them. Two of the boys inside look as if they’re a millisecond away from losing their minds.
Peter clears his throat awkwardly. “Regulus is definitely taller.”
Regulus jabs Sirius in the ribs. “Told you so.”
“He’s lying because you’re new.” Sirius holds his side and glares at Peter. “Tell him you’re lying.”
Peter raises his eyebrows. “Afraid I’m not.”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “Whatever, this is a discussion I will hold you to later.” He ushers Regulus farther inside and closes the door behind them. Regulus is unsure of what to even do. He’s been in this room before, he’s explored the drawers and bookshelves, and seen the pictures and the books. But nobody was there, and nobody even knows that he did. And nothing was happening between him and James, and there was no relationship at all between him and Sirius.
“Where’s James?” Sirius asks while looking around the room as if he's hiding somewhere.
“Shower,” Remus responds quietly, looking at Regulus as if he’s trying to figure something out, looking at him through eyes of irritation and annoyance. Which is… fair. Regulus just shows up one day out of the blue, as if there aren’t countless cruel things that he’s said that Sirius has told all of his friends. As if everyone in the room doesn’t know that he’s sneaking around with James except for his own brother. He'd hate himself too if he wasn't so excited.
The bathroom door opens and Regulus is the first to spot James. Except he’s shirtless, with wet hair, and a towel loosely hanging around his waist, looking as if it’s two seconds away from falling down. Regulus feels his face warm, but he can’t will himself to look away. James, the absolute smartest idiot, doesn’t even realize that Regulus has joined them. “Sorry lads, I got in the shower and realized I stupidly forgot my clothes out here.”
Sirius shrieks. “James! We have–Regulus, please for the love of Merlin, stop staring at him like that! James, put some fucking clothes on!”
Regulus can’t pull his eyes away, and James looks at him with wide eyes as he practically sprints into his bed holding the towel in place. Regulus uncontrollably frowns as he disappears and Sirius gags when he notices it and covers his own eyes. “Oh, god, this is the worst experience of my entire life, James is never allowed to do that again.”
“Rather disappointing,” Regulus mumbles. “What’s the point of being here then?” he teases Sirius lightly.
Remus and Peter look thoroughly amused. “He’s got a point,” Remus adds, earning a glare and a scoff out of disbelief from his boyfriend.
James finally emerges from his bed and awkwardly clears his throat as he sits by the open spot by Regulus until Sirius shoots him a dirty look, and he wisely decides to move as far away from Regulus as he possibly can. “So…” James trails off, and Regulus has to look away from James just so that he doesn’t cry from laughter.
Sirius shakes his head and looks so disgusted that he doesn’t speak. They all sit in an awkward silence before Peter is the first to break it, “Regulus, sorry, but there’s a little drool on your chin that you haven’t wiped off yet.”
Regulus looks at Peter in disbelief and subtly looks away to wipe his chin, making everyone besides Sirius and Regulus snicker. Sirius groans. “Why is that the first thing you say?” Peter holds his hands up in surrender.
“So, Regulus," Remus asks to change the subject, which Regulus is entirely grateful for, "what have you been up to recently?”
“Nothing much, really.” he hates all the eyes on him, hanging onto his words, but he doesn’t allow himself to be deterred. “Friends and school, I guess.”
Remus nods. “Nice, nice. Any plans for over holidays?”
Sirius brightens immediately next to him. “Said he’d think about coming home with me over the holidays. If that’s alright with you, Prongs, obviously.”
James looks at Regulus without saying anything, and Regulus can’t figure out what’s going on in those brown eyes, no matter how hard he wants to. But Regulus takes that lingering silence as refusal, and he hates that he assumed that James would just be okay with Regulus intruding on his family. “If not, then it’s fine,” he blurts out quickly. “I won’t–it’s fine.”
“No, no, of course not,” James responds immediately, looking at him. “That’ll be great.” His eyes flicker to Sirius and he grins happily. “That sounds wonderful.”
Regulus and James look at each other for a second more before pulling their eyes away from each other. And Regulus knows in that instant that love is what he feels, it’s looming around them, wrapping its soft hands around the two of them. He can feel it in his bones, and he’s surprised he even knows what it feels like after all the years he's been without it. Wonders if it’s only him in the room that feels it, wonders how he'll ever be without it.
The five of them talk for a while longer, they laugh and share stories until Regulus feels himself growing tired, and tells Sirius that he has to go. Sirius is half asleep but still finds it in him to call Regulus an idiot and ask him why he doesn’t stay a little longer. “You’re not going to go missing on me, right?” Sirius asks quietly right before Regulus is about to walk out the door.
“No,” Regulus affirms. “I’m not.”
“Promise?”
Regulus rolls his eyes but still nods dutifully. “I promise.”
Regulus makes it two steps out of the dorm and onto the stairs before James catches him again, with his stupid invisibility cloak in his hands. “Figured you’d need this. It’s late, don't want to get caught by Filch.”
Regulus bites a smile back. “Suppose that makes sense.”
“But, like, just in case there’s someone lingering around the common rooms, I should go with you to sneak you out,” James theorizes.
Regulus tilts his head, in mock thought. “Makes sense as well.”
James furrows his eyebrows and smiles softly. “And then, just to make sure nobody tries to catch you in the corridors, I should walk you back to your dorms. Just in case.”
Regulus shakes his head and laughs quietly. “Then I guess you have no other choice but to walk me all the way back. Might as well tuck me into bed just to make sure I don’t fall through the floor in the two seconds you're not by my side,” Regulus teases.
James grins. “Probably so. Then just test out the bed with you. To make sure it’s comfortable enough, you know?”
Regulus rolls his eyes. “Such an idiot.” James uses the cloak to cover them since they’re standing close to the door and kisses him softly, holding him gently. Regulus melts into him, and he wishes that he could always feel this feeling that is deep inside his chest.
They walk quietly, having taken this pathway back down to the dorms a handful of times. They walk slowly, wanting all the silence in the world as long as they get to spend it with each other. Regulus knows that James has questions, knows that there are a million things he wants to say. Regulus has his own share of things that he wants to ask, wants to share, wants to joke about.
But they can always ask them tomorrow. Because tomorrow is no longer a question, no longer unknown, it's a sure thing for them.