Chapter 21
James is a bit worried, to say the least.
He watches Regulus’ dorm room close and sneaks out of the dungeons to go back to his room. The only thing he can think about as he walks back is how sad both the brothers looked, how heartbroken with the other they were. He could see the way Regulus’ heart broke as Sirius recounted all the ways James had been there for him, as Sirius almost told Regulus that he wished they weren’t brothers.
And for the very first time, in a long while, James just needed Sirius to stop talking. To stop talking about things that he wasn’t even trying to understand. Four months ago, James would’ve backed up everything Sirius would’ve said, probably would’ve said most of it himself.
But he has a better grasp on things now. In the past, he had heard how hurt Regulus was at the mere idea of missing out on things going on in Sirius’ life, things he’ll never know about. And James could see the way Regulus had eased at the idea of his brother over the past few days, it became an easier conversation.
And James could see it in Sirius too. Could see the desperation to get to know his brother crawl out of him, could see the way that Sirius cared so deeply for his brother. But his anger got the best of him, and James knows that Sirius already regrets it, he just knows it. And one brother is too proud to say that he’s sorry, and the other is too hurt to hear it.
When James finally gets to his dorm the very first thing he notices is the silence. He half expected it, honestly, he figured Sirius would want to be alone for a bit until he wants to talk to any of them about what happened. What he doesn’t expect, however, is for Remus to be staring at him leaning on a bedpost with his arms crossed, like a disappointed mother.
“Remus,” James begins, stopping as soon as Remus gives a slow shake of the head.
Remus scoffs. “James, tell me it’s not true. That I just saw something and misinterpreted it. I must be wrong, right?”
“Is he here?” James asks timidly, looking around the room.
“No.” Remus scoffs, the disappointment is palpable, almost suffocating James. “Peter went to walk with him to the kitchens to get some snacks to cheer him up.” he sighs. “He wanted to check the map because you weren’t back yet, but I was unsure whether or not you were even going to be back tonight.”
James deflates and squeezes his eyes shut. It feels like he’s being reprimanded, and James doesn’t like that feeling. “Thanks.”
“So were my eyes fooling me?” Remus prods further, even though they both know that Remus knows the answer.
James shakes his head eventually. “No, Moony. Your eyes were correct.”
“God, James,” Remus responds immediately. “What the hell are you doing? I mean, fooling around with his brother? Are you mad?”
“Remus–”
“No,” he interrupts. “What are you doing? We both know that Regulus has a history of hurting him, we both know that he’s not a good person–”
James scoffs. “That’s not true! He’s wonderful, and nice when he wants to be. He can be mean–”
“I’m just disappointed, James. And something tells me that Sirius will be too,” Remus finishes.
James shakes his head. “Listen, Moons, I know Regulus. I care for him, and he cares for me. I am enthralled by him. And you will not stand here and make me feel like shit over who I fancy, alright? Because he was there for me when I needed someone, and he made me happy when I thought it was impossible to be so.”
“This isn’t a normal situation, James! These two will clash forever, and there’s not a single chance in this universe that you can have both of them with Sirius knowing.” Remus takes a breath.
“I think you’re wrong,” is all James responds because Remus just has to be. There is a way. And James is going to figure it out. He can’t imagine a life without Sirius, just as he can’t imagine one without Regulus as well. “Me and him–this isn’t just fooling around.”
Remus stares at him, trying to piece together whatever is written on James’ face. “Am I the only one that knows?”
“Peter does too,” James grumbles knowing that it’ll only upset Remus further.
Remus sighs in defeat. “You need to tell him.”
“I’m going to,” James reassures, meaning it fully.
“Is Regulus even going to be okay with that?”
James glares lightly at his friend. “It was Regulus who said he wanted to, actually.”
“That’s good, I guess. Tell him soon, mate, before this gets any more dramatic than it’s bound to be.” James nods. “Listen, Prongs, I really am glad that he makes you happy. If it matters, I hope that it works in your favor.”
James grins. “Me and you both. I’m rather confident that it will.”
Remus looks as if he’s debating whether or not to speak some more. “I really am sorry about what Lily did, also. If I had known then I would’ve told them that it was a fucking stupid idea.”
James sighs. “I think maybe twelve-year-old James died a little bit over it, not sure if he’d be strongly upset or just pleased, but James now is just upset that it kinda came between me and Reg.” James shrugs. “All is good now between us. And between me and Sirius and Lily as well, so I’m not upset anymore.”
Remus nods. “Is he really that good to you?”
“The best.” James smiles. “He’s extremely important to me.”
Remus sighs. “I’m not going to say anything to Sirius. But you do need to decide on a time to tell him, and probably soon. Before they tear each other apart.”
Just then Sirius and Peter walk in, both of them looking defeated and tired. “Was he alright?” Sirius asks James suddenly, avoiding eye contact with everybody as he moves through the room.
James feels his face go warm, and this is the part he hates. He hates Sirius not knowing the full truth. Hates that they’re sneaking around right under his nose. Hates that he knows everything James says will only further Sirius’ anger and disappointment with him. “Fine, I think. Wanted me to leave him alone.”
Sirius nods. “I just–” his breath catches and his eyes water slightly. “I just hate myself for how I acted. He just pushes a nerve that nobody besides him can hit, and I just snap. I didn’t want to, I just want him to be safe, you know? And I think it’s too late for me to be.”
“It’s not,” Peter says timidly. “It can’t be.”
It seems like Sirius is hardly listening, he just nods and resumes speaking. “And he told me he was seeing a guy,” James looks quickly at Remus and Peter who are both already looking at him. “I can’t help but think about how much I missed out on, how much I could’ve helped him if I wasn’t wrapped up in myself.” Sirius shakes his head as if he was snapping himself out of this trance and he clears his throat. “I think I’m just going to take a quick shower.” And he disappears to the bathroom.
The three watch him slink away and James sinks his eyes shut, wishing he could just fix everything for everyone. He wishes he could just find the solution, could make everyone as happy as they can be. He doesn’t know what he’s meant to do, doesn’t know what’s right anymore, and that feeling of uncertainty terrifies him, that loss of control.
Peter pats his shoulder lightly. “Alright?” he asks quietly.
“Fine,” James answers automatically. “Just fine.”
Peter sighs. “Everything will work itself out eventually, Prongs.” Peter disappears into his bed, and Remus slunks off into his. James sighs deeply, wishing it would all work out now.
Later that night, after nearly an hour of Sirius in the shower, he joins James in his bed. James was almost certain that Sirius would be there, so he stayed awake and they sit in the middle of the bed together.
“He’s scared of me leaving, James,” Sirius says finally after a few minutes of silence. “Because that’s all I do. I leave him behind, every single time he needs me. I can’t fix that, and I don’t know how to change any of it.”
James sighs. “You can’t change what happened that night. But none of it was ever your fault. Alright? You needed to get out of there, and you asked if he wanted to go with you. The decision was his and he made it. You don’t have to blame yourself for it any longer.”
Sirius nods. “But he won’t let me come back. Won’t let me make it right.”
“I think that maybe it’s hard for him until he learns how to trust you again. Maybe he just needs to learn how to trust in general.”
Sirius laughs, void of any humor. “Yeah. And the thing is that he almost did. I could tell that he was so close to saying yes. But, as always, I fucked everything up.”
James furrows his eyebrows. “What did you do?”
“I knew I needed to watch my words around him, he’s always been so nitpicky and attentive to everything. So I told him that I wanted to reconcile and one of the reasons why was because it’d make our parents angry, which I know made him think that they were the only reason why I chose to make things right.”
James winces. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Sirius scoffs. “I know he didn’t like hearing that, and I really wish I could take it back. Tell him it was because I care for him, I don’t care about them, I don’t even know why I said it.”
“Maybe it’s better to give him a bit of space and then try again when he feels better about it. You said he was close to saying yes, so that means that it shouldn’t be that difficult if you can get him to trust you again,” James suggests, unsure of whether he should even be giving advice. “Or wait until he goes to you first?”
Sirius smiles sadly. “He never was the type to ask for help, so that’s doubtful. I’ll give him some space, and see if I can try again sometime. I’m just so tired of messing everything up, Prongs.”
James shakes his head. “You don’t mess everything up, Sirius. This isn’t the end for you two, I know it.” James takes a deep breath. “I don’t know why it’d be impossible for him to forgive you, I don’t believe that it’s the case.”
“I wouldn’t blame him,” Sirius grumbles before sighing. “Thanks, Prongs. I love you. Thank you for always being there for me. I’m going to go lay with Moony for a bit.”
“Of course Sirius.” James nods. “Love you too.”
The next night, James goes back to the Slytherin dorms under his invisibility cloak, just to make sure that Regulus is doing alright. He chews on his nails as he walks, trying so hard to come up with a plan to put everything back on track. Plan, plan, plan. That’s all he knows.
James knocks on Regulus’ dorm room door, pleased when Evan opens the door. Honestly, James likes all of Regulus’ friends, even if liking Barty is a little difficult at times. Sometimes, Barty just likes to piss him off still, trying to get too close to Regulus because he finds it funny. Usually, James tries to just ignore it, but somehow Barty finds that even funnier.
Evan, however, usually is pretty fun. He has a sharp exterior and looks intimidating like a true Slytherin, but it’s so clear how sensitive he truly is. Not ever in a bad way, he’s just in tune with his emotions, or however Pandora put it.
“What’re you doing here?” Evan asks icily.
“To see Regulus?”
“Who’s at the door?” Barty asks as he joins Evan at the door, glaring as soon as he sees James standing there. “Oh. You.”
“Hello,” James tells them politely, curious about their sudden coldness. “Where’s Regulus?”
Barty scoffs and lowers his voice when he says, “Listen, Regulus has no problem forgiving you and ignoring all the negative shit about you, but we can’t.”
“Excuse me?” James looks at both Evan and Barty, trying to find any signs that indicate that they’re joking, but he finds none. “I’m so lost.”
Evan shakes his head. “You have some close friends that say some fucked up things to him, people you call your best friends that hurt him. That leaves us wondering what kind of person you are. How can you let him talk that much rubbish to someone you supposedly care so much about?.”
James swallows. “Listen, you don’t know the whole story, and if only you knew how much I try to fix–”
“Obviously, you’re not trying hard enough,” Barty cuts in icily. “It’s not going to be too long before Regulus finds an easier guy to shag.”
The words go through James like a knife. It’s true, isn’t it? James isn’t trying hard enough, and it’s too hard for Regulus to be with James, and James fears that he is not going to be worth all the trouble and arguments. He’ll just cause more trouble than what’s needed.
“Who are you two harassing at the doorway?” Regulus finally joins the other two, with dripping wet hair, the red pyjama pants that he was wearing the first night James saw him in the astronomy tower, and James’ old Queen shirt that James let him change into the first night Regulus stayed in his dorm room hangs off him.
Despite the raging wars in his mind, James still smiles automatically when his eyes see Regulus. “Oh, hello,” James says, trying his best to keep his voice even.
“Hey,” Regulus responds shyly, with a slight smile on his lips that he’s trying to bite back. “What are you doing here?”
“Haven’t seen you all day.” James shrugs and paints a smile on his face. He sees Regulus and just feels guilty. Guilt that he holds for not being able to give him peace. He feels Barty’s words and hates that they are having such an impact on him. His brain molds the words into an even more hurtful mantra of, not enough, not enough, not enough. Not worth it, not worth it, not worth it. “Wanted to see how you were doing.”
Regulus eyes him suspiciously, as if he can see right through that fake smile, and looks at Barty and Evan who both shrug. “Do you want to come in?” he asks softly, and Barty groans loudly.
James clears his throat as his eyes flicker to the two standing next to Regulus. “Don’t think I’d really be welcome.”
“Maybe he’s not so dull after all,” Evan mutters to Barty, just loud enough for James to hear it, and Barty snickers.
Regulus glares at his two dorm mates and looks up at James carefully. “I don’t care about them, do you want to come in?”
James looks at the two menacing boys that are just staring at him, and he almost says no. Until he looks down at Regulus who’s standing in his shirt, and him in the red pyjama trousers that look like Gryffindor colors, and Regulus who James just wants to be next to. James nods hesitantly. “Of course I do.”
Regulus grins and takes his hand to lead him to his bed, the one which he silences and locks as soon as they’re sitting in it together. “Are you doing alright?” James asks softly.
Regulus nods and eyes him suspiciously “Are you?”
“Fine,” James responds as he smiles in what he hopes is reassurance, but it only makes Regulus frown.
“You don’t look fine.”
“Ouch,” James teases, clutching his heart, trying his best to ignore the concern that’s written on Regulus’ face.
“James,” Regulus urges softly, lifting his hand to push some of James’ hair out of his face. “What’s going on?”
James bites the side of his cheek, trying to decide what to say. Usually, James just shrugs off concern, but Regulus doesn’t allow that to happen all the time and doesn’t let him pile the hurt on his shoulders until he breaks, instead, he helps James take some of it off. He’s wonderful, and more than that, there are not any words in any language to describe him. And James is still thinking of Barty’s words.
James feels his eyes water, but he blinks them away quickly and laughs weakly. “It’s stupid.”
“Nothing about you is stupid,” Regulus reassures. “Except maybe your hair.” James laughs. ‘You can tell me, James.” he says softly.
“I’ve just–” he takes a shaky breath and looks away from Regulus. “Barty told me that it’s not long before you find someone easier to shag. And that I’m not trying hard enough to fix things, but I am. I’m trying so hard to make everything right that it torments me. And things are difficult when being with me, and I wouldn’t blame you if you realized that I’m not worth it.”
Regulus puts his other hand on James’ face. “What? No.” his hands guide James’ head so that they’re staring at each other, his gray eyes that are filled with softness and anger. “James. You– you are worth everything. I never understood before, how people could fight so hard for something that we have. But I get it. I’d start a whole war for you, fight on the frontlines. And you are worth everything that happens now, I don’t care about any of it as long as I have you.”
James smiles weakly. “Yeah?”
“Yes,” Regulus urges, kissing his forehead and cheeks as if each one could take away every sad feeling that James has inside him. “Don’t listen to them two, they’re fucking idiots.”
James laughs weakly. “I’m still sorry that I can’t fix anything, just know that I’m trying,” James mutters.
“I see that you’re trying, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think you really need to,” Regulus says softly. “You can’t fix Sirius and I easily, I don’t really think you can’t fix us at all.”
James shakes his head. “But I feel like I need to. I need both of you happy and safe. I love both of you too much to let either of you go.”
Regulus’ eyes soften. “James, it’s not your responsibility this time. It isn’t. What happens next falls on us two, not on you. I know it’s difficult, and probably hard to hear, but he and I are so complicated, and I don’t think you can fix it, I think it has to be fixed by us. So there’s no need to torture yourself with all this weight on your shoulders that don’t need to be there.”
It’s refreshing for James to hear this new perspective, to have someone that doesn’t make him feel stupid for sharing his uncertainties, someone that helps him learn and grow, someone that makes him feel better, helps him be better. And he’s known it ever since they first met, and he’ll shun himself for not realizing sooner, for not taking the first opportunity to share how he felt, for piling it away and disguising those feelings until they were minimal.
But he should’ve known that there is nothing minimal about all the feelings he feels for Regulus Black.
James gives Regulus a grin that he tries to bite back. “Did it kill you to say such nice things to me?”
“Yes,” he mutters dryly, with a small smile on his lips. “Absolutely horrible.”
“Aw,” James teases. “You’ve gone all soft.”
Regulus glares. “Have not.”
“Yes, you have.” James grins.
“Piss off, I could still hex you if I wanted to.”
“Yeah?” James laughs as Regulus glares at him even worse than before. “Still waiting for you to try.”
☽⋆
Three weeks go by, and December has rapidly approached, getting nearer and nearer to the dreaded holiday break. Regulus has spent time with James and his friends, sometimes all of them together hanging out, sometimes only with his friends, sometimes only with James, and sometimes alone. He was upset with Barty and Evan for a little bit, wouldn’t really speak to them, and would only speak to Dorcas and Pandora.
Until the two took it upon themselves to speak to James and apologize to him for their misunderstanding, and then Regulus begrudgingly forgave them when James, Pandora, and Dorcas all urged him to. He wanted to, of course, he missed the certain level of stupidity only his two friends could hold.
He doesn’t really look at James’ table during meals anymore either, his chest clenches in his chest every time he even catches a glimpse of his brother, and it’s even worse when Sirius looks at him with his eyes full of clashing waves of guilt and anger.
Sirius wishes that Regulus wasn’t his brother, almost saying it straight to his face, and it hurts more than Regulus could’ve ever imagined. It cuts him deep, and when he thinks too much about it, he can hardly breathe. And Regulus wishes that he didn’t care, he wishes he was able to lie and forget all about it.
But for a split second, Regulus had looked at Sirius and thought he was able to get his brother back. Imagined it, and felt his days were getting brighter. But they wouldn’t be because Sirius is the best liar the world has ever seen.
James is lovely and patient, but Regulus can tell that the strain between Sirius and Regulus puts pressure on him. Regulus knows deep down that if there’s never a relationship formed between the brother’s then there’s only a matter of time before James leaves him too.
But not right now. And maybe Regulus just wants to be in this moment, where he has James and his friends when that happiness is still with him.
“Reg,” James says softly. Regulus hums in response, getting as close to James as he can, moving his head on James’ chest so he can attempt to hear James’ heartbeat, feeling the warmth from James warm up everything cold about Regulus. He doesn’t want to think about the weeks he’ll be unable to hear it, the fear that comes from the house, and the uncertainty of what will be after it. “Remus knows…about us.”
Regulus furrows his eyebrows and raises his head to look at James, “Is he going to say anything?”
“Well,” James begins. “We had this long talk, and he told me he wouldn’t. Just means he’s waiting on the moment for us… to tell Sirius.”
Regulus looks at James more, deciding on whether it’s something to be worried about, but eventually lays back where he was on James’ chest. He’s not in the mood to worry. “Alright. Suppose there’s nothing we can do about it now.”
James hums and picks up one of Regulus’ hands, bringing it to his lips and softly kissing his knuckles and fingers. Every kiss on his hand makes Regulus feel like he’s doing something right, bringing a little bit of life back into himself. They lay like that for a while, wrapped up in each other and content in the silence. “I like everything about you,” James tells him softly, so earnest in his confession, and with so much care and conviction in each word that he uttered.
“You don’t know everything about me,” Regulus counters, idly running the fingers on his free hand along James’ hands that are wrapped around him. Fear peaks within him, just a tiny bit rising.
“Maybe not, but it feels like I do, for some reason, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand why.” James sighs softly. “Maybe I don’t know everything, but I want to. I’ve never felt this way, this feeling where I just want to know everything about you.” Regulus looks at James just to find those beautiful brown eyes already looking down at him when he says, “I want to know everything about you, I want to know everything, no matter if it’s pointless, even if it’s impossible.”
So truthful. So much care and gentleness in his eyes and words. So similar does Regulus feel. It’s scary, of course, for Regulus to hear. The question is at the back of his mind, screaming, who wants to get to know me? Who’d willingly want to go through all those troubles? But somehow, just by looking at James and his eyes, he doesn’t fear it as profoundly, hardly feels it at all. Maybe because he feels the same way, or because the past few weeks James has been so patient and kind, so lovely and magical, that it takes some fear away, day by day.
It doesn’t mean it’s not there, it just means there’s a little bit less of it now.
Regulus smiles at James, and he smiles back, of course, and Regulus wants to kiss it, maybe feel all the happiness in James’ smile pour into his own body and mind. And so he does. And he was right when he believed that happiness could be handed to him by doing so. “Even when I am who I am?” Regulus asks just to get the question off his mind.
“Who you are is nothing short of beautiful,” James whispers to him against Regulus’ lips. “I know it, feel it, envy it. There’s nothing in the world that I’m more certain of.”
His words are so soft, and yet still so cutting to Regulus. He feels it breaks him, knowing that someone is willing to know him, the knowledge that someone is holding him with no past pretenses.
Regulus kisses James, more, more, and more because of it. Doesn’t think he can ever stop, doesn’t think he would ever want to. And it all hits him all too suddenly, and it cracks him in half once more. What he’s feeling is not anywhere near sadness. He hasn’t quite gotten used to this lightness that is within him suddenly, he doesn’t understand how someone brings out the good that has been hiding in him all along.
James’ hands hold his face and worried eyes look into Regulus’ own at Regulus’ mental absence. “I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?”
Regulus laughs lightly and shakes his head. “No, not at all,” he says softly, gazing at James with so much trust and adoration, something new he feels deep inside his chest that he can’t quite put a name to it just yet. “Mon bonheur,” Regulus whispers, just because he wants it to stay between them, take the moment and keep it theirs. “Tu es mon bonheur.”
James furrows his eyebrows and looks at Regulus fondly. “What does that mean?” he questions. Regulus simply shrugs noncommittally and kisses James again, leaving the question floating around in the air, unanswered.
“I’ve got to go soon,” James tells Regulus after a few more minutes of the pair being wrapped up in each other, with light kisses and soft touches.
Regulus frowns, not wanting James to leave so soon. “Why?”
James grins and kisses Regulus once more. “I’ve been gone the whole evening and morning, don’t want anyone to worry. Plus, I miss them.”
Regulus groans and rolls off of James, laying right by his side instead. “Yeah, I know.”
“I wish you could visit my dorms, sometime,” James tells him offhandedly, a simple comment he makes just as he puts on his jumper. But it makes Regulus revisit their conversation a few weeks ago when James wanted Sirius and Regulus to be on good terms. And James was torturing himself for not having all the ways to make it right, and how hurt Regulus felt just to see him like that.
And now Regulus thinks he sees another side that James hasn’t mentioned. He knows that James wants to be in his own bed, maybe with Regulus in it. James wants Regulus to sit in the common room with him, wants to introduce him to his friends, and wants to kiss him at parties. James never says anything, he probably doesn’t want to pressure Regulus to make any decisions, doesn’t want to persuade his thinking.
He knows that everything James wanted could be handed to him if Regulus just made things right with Sirius. And how selfish Regulus has been to deny James of having these things just because he’s scared. How foolish he is to deny himself of being happy just because of something that could probably be fixed so simply. All he has to do is try.
“What’re you thinking about?” James asks softly, running a gentle hand over Regulus’ cheek.
“I’m so sorry,” Regulus tells him. “I’ve been so shit towards you.”
James shakes his head and takes his hand off Regulus’ cheek to put his trousers on. “What? No, you have not, what are you talking about?”
Regulus laughs dryly. “Yeah, I have, James. But I’ll make things right, I promise.”
James squints at Regulus. “Well, just for the record, I think you have been the opposite of shit towards me. You’re like a meteor, so beautiful and magical, and I can hardly believe it’s real.”
Regulus grins. “Aren’t meteors supposed to be deadly, and everyone is terrified for them to ever reach Earth?”
“Ah, yeah, and that’s also part of the reason,” James teases. “Because meteors are harmless even if they sound intimidating or look scary.” he softly knocks his forehead on Regulus’. “Just like you.”
Regulus rolls his eyes. “Maybe they’re actually terrifying and maybe you should actually be scared of both things.”
“Nope. Their beauty is too beautiful to be scared of. And also they’re harmless,” he adds.
Regulus laughs and shakes his head. “You’re an idiot, James. Meteors aren’t even beautiful. They’re just rocks.”
James shakes his head. “Clearly you’ve never seen a meteor shower before. We’ve got to change that sometime.” James gives one last kiss on Regulus’ lips. “Bye, darling. See you soon.”
“See you soon, idiot,” Regulus responds, laughing quietly when James frowns at him, and they kiss one final time before James unfortunately leaves.
So Regulus will try. Not just for James, but also for himself, and just so he has the peace that comes along with knowing that he at least attempted to make things better between him and his brother. Just because he has everything to gain from attempting, and nothing to lose from it. And maybe, that anger he holds for his brother will stick around, but maybe it could go away if he gave it the chance to.