Chapter 20
Regulus remembers the night his brother left very vividly.
Two years have passed on since then, but with the way that the memory is so clear, it feels as if it had happened the night before. It’s hard for any of the yelling and screaming from that house to ever go away, but especially everything that went down that night. That night will forever be engrained in Regulus’ mind. It was all so loud, so much, and Regulus has never felt as helpless as he did then, never has Regulus felt that unsure of what he was meant to do.
Regulus remembers that dinner. Their last meal all sitting together at the dinner table, pretending to be a family, and none of them knew it. If Regulus knew he’d never be able to eat dinner sitting across from his brother ever again after that, he would’ve remembered exactly how Sirius looked at Regulus when Mother said something outrageous, remembered every grimace, and joke that Sirius said to make Regulus laugh by just using his eyes to communicate.
But Regulus does remember that dinner, and how Sirius had insinuated once again that he wasn’t interested in his family's ideals, how he had said that he was tired of being used for whatever game their parents were playing. Sirius had told them, told them, and told them loud and clear, he wasn’t going to be married to a girl, wasn’t going to have kids of his own, wasn’t going to sit as lifeless as Regulus had been.
It had caused some yelling, but that wasn’t new. Sirius retaliating whenever he was over his parents had become a part of their day-to-day routines, the recurring ending to every dinner. But this time was different. Regulus had felt the shift as soon as Sirius had opened his mouth, he saw the way his mother took a drink of her wine and the way his father had gripped his fork so hard that his knuckles turned white.
Regulus could see how the violence entered his parent’s eyes becoming scarier, and more sinister than ever before.
But Sirius didn’t notice, therefore he didn’t stop.
Why didn’t he ever stop?
There was no warning. None at all. One second Sirius was in the middle of his rant, trying to get a reaction from his parents that was long overdue when he just suddenly stopped. Mother or Father, maybe both, cast a spell that forced Sirius’ mouth shut. Regulus will never forget the absolute fear in Sirius’ eyes when he watched Father stand, watched as the tip of his wand pointed at his forehead.
The fear that Regulus felt as all he did was watch. The fear when a slash appeared on Sirius’ arm was so deep and red, and all Sirius could do was have his eyes water with tears and close, no yelling in pain, no movement from anyone, just silence while Sirius was going through something that was clearly excruciating.
It wasn’t long before his Mother, always so eager to hurt, threw something at Sirius. Regulus can’t even remember what it was, he just remembers watching her picking something up and throwing it, and he couldn’t help it, he used a spell that he’d been learning at school with Pandora, and whatever was about to be thrown was frozen in mid-air before being tossed far away from Sirius.
Sirius looked at him as if Regulus was his saving grace, but when his Mother screamed directly in his face for him to leave, Regulus walked to his room. He walked away slowly as if rocks were dragging him down. He should’ve stayed. The look in Sirius’ eyes as he pleaded and begged Regulus to stay without using words.
He should’ve stayed.
He would’ve if the person he is today was who he was at thirteen.
But he can’t change it, and he walked away. And in turn, he had to hear his parents taking the body binding off Sirius and listen to his screams and cries as his parents did whatever they pleased to his brother. He paced his room, pulled at his hair, and wanted to scream as if that would help him figure out what to do.
He couldn’t go downstairs. All he felt was fear when thinking of facing his parents, fear so deep that it settled deep inside his bones, like something gnawing on his insides. But just sitting in his room made him feel helpless, but how could he not be? He’s barely fourteen and his fifteen-year-old brother is being hurt downstairs, and what is he supposed to do?
Regulus has never been brave.
So he waits as patiently as he can. And he cries. And after a few minutes of doing that, he realizes that there’s no point. He paces his room again, and tries to open the door, but the fear consumes him. He’s so scared. Sirius was never this scared, and, Merlin, Regulus just wanted his brother. Just wants to make everything better for the two of them, and give them a better home full of love, but since Regulus can’t have that all he wants is his brother.
Regulus doesn’t know how long it takes, maybe minutes or hours before Sirius is knocking quietly at his door. Just one knock and Regulus is throwing open his door before it gets to two. Sirius winces as he gets through the doorway. His face is all bloody, his eyes swollen from either crying or getting hit, his face red, and blood spilling out his nose. Sirius’ shirt was all stained with red and dirt.
Yet all Regulus can think about through the muddled shock is how that shirt was Sirius’ favorite, and how it is going to take forever to get the stains out of it.
In the past, after something like this happened, Sirius would lie on Regulus’ bed and let Regulus mend him up again. But this time his wounds are worse, they both know it can’t be fixed by Regulus, and Sirius stays by the door, leaning his back on it so he can simply stand upright. “Reg,” Sirius rasps. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Regulus asks, panic quickly rising within him. “Sirius. For what?”
“Listen to me, Reg. Go with me,” Sirius urges, clearly losing energy with each passing second, and Regulus just wants him to stop talking, so that he can fix him. He can fix all of this if Sirius gives him a second.
“What the fuck are you talking about? Lay down and let me fix you–”
“No,” Sirius interrupts sharply and Regulus evaluates his brother, trying to decipher what’s going on. Sirius has tears in his eyes, and he looks so, so scared, as scared as Regulus feels. Except when Regulus looks down and sees the suitcase at his brother’s feet suddenly everything falls into place.
“Sirius,” Regulus pleads, shaking his head. “What are you doing?”
“I have to go, I have to, I have to,” Sirius keeps repeating and Regulus keeps shaking his head. “I have to. And you can go with me.”
Regulus looks at his brother and all he sees is the little boy who took care of him for all those years. He looks at his brother and sees someone who looks utterly terrified, someone hurt in more ways than anyone should be. He looks at his brother and sees someone who desperately needs to get out, and for once there’s a choice here that Regulus could make.
Stay or go?
Maybe a little piece of him wants to go. Maybe the tiniest piece of him wants to stay just so they can try to be a family, pretend a little longer and maybe something will change. Maybe all Regulus wants is for his brother to stay for him, stay with him for just a little longer.
But deep down, no matter what Regulus going with Sirius is impossible. It’d kill both of them.
“Sirius,” Regulus whispers, shutting his eyes as if everything could stop. Maybe that’s all he wants. Just wants things to stop, to just slow down and let him disappear, let everything freeze right in front of him.
Sirius shakes his head frantically, already knowing the answer that Regulus is about to utter. “Reggie. Don’t do this to me, don’t stay here.”
“Don’t go,” Regulus whispers, opening his eyes, pleading for Sirius even though it’s the most selfish thing for him to do. “ Don’t go. Please don’t leave me here alone.” I can’t do this without you, not without my brother, Regulus thinks but doesn’t say.
“I can’t. Regulus, they would kill me if I stayed.”
Regulus swallows thickly as if it won’t kill Regulus to watch him leave. “They’d kill both of us if I left.” Regulus knows this is too much, that he’s asking for too much out of his older brother. He knows this makes him cruel, maybe evil, but he can’t help it. All he has ever known is his brother, and despite their frequent ups and downs, Regulus knows that he doesn’t know what it will be like to not have Regulus next to him any longer.
Sirius doesn’t like him much ever since he got sorted into Slytherin, fine. But they have to come back to the same house every holiday, every summer they are forced to spend together, and for a little while Regulus can pretend that his brother doesn’t hate him as much as he says he does. But if Sirius is gone and they aren’t together by force, then what will become of them?
Sirius shakes his head and his face grows cold. “I can’t believe you’d choose them over me.”
“This isn’t me choosing them, you idiot,” Regulus replies icily, “This is me choosing you, and one day maybe you’ll get it.”
Sirius scoffs and looks at Regulus as if he’s nothing more than a stranger. “No. I don’t think I ever will.”
“You’re better off without me anyway.” Tears fall down Regulus’ face as he realizes that this is all happening to him, out of his control.
Sirius puts his hand on Regulus’ face so that they are looking at each other, and Sirius seems frantic, all anger drained from his face. “That’s not true, you have to know that it’s not true. Regulus, I–” They both go still as noises can be heard downstairs, and both of them know that Sirius can’t be there any longer. And it’s selfish and unfair to both brothers, but had Sirius asked just one more time, Regulus would’ve gone. Maybe if Sirius had finished what he was going to say, then Regulus wouldn’t let him walk out alone.
But he didn’t, and Regulus doesn’t blame him for it, Sirius isn’t expected to read his mind, but Regulus wishes that he could.
Before Regulus even knows it, Sirius is gone. Left him. It’s so unfair, but Regulus will never forgive Sirius for not staying. But that’s only because he won’t ever forgive himself for not leaving.
And he had to live with that. Had to watch his brother become happier in a house with his best friend, and had to watch Sirius find a family right in front of Regulus. Regulus hated that he would never take care of his brother again, that they’d never talk again, and that he had to watch Sirius forget that he even existed.
All he has done is watch.
Regulus wasn’t even angry at first, and he had even tried to reach out. When they went back to Hogwarts after Sirius left, Regulus tried to talk to his brother in the corridors to ask if he was doing alright. Except, apparently, it wasn’t the right time. Sirius’ friends had joined his side, and Sirius had stolen Regulus’ notebook from his hands and started reading things he had written out loud, making fun of his writing. It was humiliating, and never would Regulus think that Sirius would do something so cruel.
Once, Sirius had told Regulus that he’d fight anyone that crushed his dreams, anyone who was mean to him. Yet at that moment, Sirius became the thing he had promised to take down.
Yes, the anger entered him then.
Now he sits on the other side of the Great Hall and watches Sirius and his new family, and he used to hate it, but now he finds that the tiniest part of himself wishes to join them. Be near James, have his brother back, and have the friends he has now. It sounds wonderful. Sounds perfect.
But he can’t.
And he knows that what he has with James is destined to fall apart given that Regulus and Sirius are so far apart, both battered and bruised, and neither willing to forgive or speak to the other. But Regulus will selfishly hold onto what he and James have for a little longer.
“Regulus!” Evan shouts suddenly, causing him to roll his eyes.
“Christ, no need to yell,” Regulus mutters. “What?”
Evan rolls his eyes. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for so long, but you were lost in thought.”
Dorcas scoffs. “Thinking about Potter,” she whispers only loud enough for their little group to hear. “No doubt about it.”
Regulus glares at her sharply. “Was not.”
“Was too.”
“Was not.”
“Was too.”
Barty dramatically bangs his head on the table, causing Dorcas and Regulus to stop arguing and Pandora to giggle silently. “Please, for the love of God, stop being so bloody annoying for two seconds.”
Regulus rolls his eyes and whispers at Dorcas. “I wasn’t.”
“Totally was,” she whispers back with a teasing grin.
Barty groans loudly and Evan changes the subject. “ Speaking of Potter, what were you two up to last night?”
Regulus feels his face warm out of his control and he rolls his eyes. “Nothing.”
Evan squints at him. “Are you sure? Because you both were awfully giggly before heading off, and it was clear that the silencing–”
“We just slept,” Regulus snaps, exasperated. “That was all we did, swear on it.”
None of his friends looks convinced, despite the fact that it’s mostly the truth.
Regulus looks once more at the Gryffindor table and feels his heart clench when he watches Sirius tug James into a hug that almost has them both falling into their food. “I think I’m just going to take a walk,” Regulus says quietly as he packs his things. “Clear my head for a bit.”
His friends eye him warily but they don’t jump him with questions, which Regulus is eternally grateful for, they simply nod and tell him to have fun.
Regulus walks empty halls and tries to decide where he wants to go. Predictably, Regulus walks outside, feeling how the slight wind messes up his hair, and he loves it. The sky is gray, possibly a storm set to be arriving later that night, but the weather always has been unpredictable.
Actually, the night Sirius had left, Regulus had been unable to sleep. And almost as if the universe knew that Regulus would be uneasy that night, a storm began to form, making the unease worse. It was loud and almost scary, and all Regulus wanted was to crawl into his brother’s bed. Which he did, except it wasn’t as comforting as it would’ve been if Sirius was with him and telling him stories.
Regulus walks to the Great Lake and just stands on the bank, away from everyone, the quietness feeling like a warm blanket. Distantly, Regulus wonders what it would be like to swim in here, what it would feel like to just lay on his back in the middle of it, if he’d freak out and go under, or if he’d finally learn how to swim.
Regulus feels steps approaching him at a fast pace, and almost immediately Regulus is whipping his head around to find the source, getting his wand out to stand on guard.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be surprising that his brother is standing right behind him, given that for whatever reason he’s all Regulus could think about all morning, yet it’s still so shocking to see him so close. They’ve rarely spoken since Regulus’ fourth year, almost two years. And all Regulus knows about his brother is whatever he shouts for the whole school to hear.
Regulus is on guard, and both of them are. The two of them alone shouldn’t be trusted, not when there are years worth of problems that they need to unfold. “What are you doing here?” Regulus asks, breaking the silence, and glaring furiously at the older.
Sirius just shrugs and sighs. “Want to see how you’re doing.”
“After all these years?” Regulus questions with a scoff. “Well, I’m not interested in telling you anything. Run along to your new family, and stay the fuck away from me.” Regulus knows he’s being cruel, and he honestly isn’t sure if he means what he says anymore. He’s just angry, he’s sad, and he feels envious of Sirius’ new life, but he’d rather die than even admit these things out loud.
Sirius looks down at the ground and sighs, again, infuriating Regulus to no end. “Come on, Reg, don’t be like this.”
“Like what?” Regulus spits out harshly.
“Look,” Sirius rolls his eyes, looking embarrassed. “I just want to know who did that to you the other day,” he says gesturing to Regulus’ neck where the now-disappeared marks were.
Regulus scoffs in pure disbelief. “What?” he looks at Sirius hoping to find an ounce of teasing on his face and is surprised to see just how serious his brother is, causing Regulus to get more frustrated with each passing second. “You are actually unbelievable. I cannot believe that you only speak to me after two years just to find out which guy I’m shagging, what the fuck is wrong with you, you nosy prick?”
Sirius furrows his eyebrow. “Guy?”
Regulus hates himself for exposing a piece of himself that he hadn’t intended to share with his brother, but it’s too late now, all Regulus can do is pretend it doesn’t bother him. “Don’t pretend like any of it matters to you,” he snaps. “If you’re trying to boost your morality by acting as if you care about me now, then don’t even bother, alright?”
“I’m not acting!” Sirius takes a deep breath. “Reg, I care about you, alright? And I can’t stand how I don’t know anything about you anymore, it’s killing me.”
Regulus shakes his head and scoffs, the words hitting him harder than he expected. “Sirius, I–I have made it this far on my own, I don’t need you now.”
Sirius eyes well up with tears, making everything within Regulus shatter, rooted in a kind of hurt that Regulus was unsure he still held. “I know,” he says quietly. “But what if I need you now?”
“Then I’m afraid you’re looking in the wrong place,” Regulus responded, lying straight through his teeth.
“Fuck you! God, I’m here trying for us to work out, okay? I want to be like how we used to be and I want to spend holidays with you, I want all of it!” Sirius takes a deep breath and Regulus swallows thickly. “And I think you want it too, you just don’t want to admit it.”
Regulus doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t really think he can. “Regulus, let’s try. That’s all I ask. Is for you to just try.” And finally, after all this time, Regulus tries to think. Really, really think. His mind sticks to the picture in Sirius’ dorm when they were so unaware of where their lives were headed. He thinks of the pictures in his own dorm, the ones Regulus will forever cherish, even if he pretends he doesn’t. He thinks of all their memories together, the book in Sirius’ dorm that Regulus knows was dedicated to himself.
This moment, having his brother wanting to reconnect, asking it explicitly, used to be something that Regulus dreamed about, one that he has wished for on every star, one he was even thinking about that very morning. So why is he pushing it away? What if Sirius leaves again? What if James goes right along with him? What happens when Regulus has to walk back into that house, feeling empty, and out of the two people who know so much about him?
Regulus can’t handle it, doesn’t think he can handle it if they leave, especially considering that he’s spiraling just over the mere idea of it. There’s so much, too much if you ask Regulus. But he looks to his brother. And once again he sees someone scared, someone, who is desperate, aching, and hurting. “I’m afraid I’ll lose you again,” Regulus confesses as quietly as he can, avoiding eye contact. “I can’t do it again.”
Sirius sighs. “Let me prove that I won’t, alright? Give me a chance,” he says just as quietly, “I know that house fucked both of us up,” Regulus scoffs at this “and I learned that what happened to us wasn’t our fault, we didn’t deserve any of it.”
Regulus squeezes his eyes shut, wanting everything to halt, and yet a little ready for things to continue on the way they’re going. With his brother. Sirius continues, “But we can rebuild what we had, right? We can’t let them take it away from us,” Regulus nods. And for once, Regulus almost believes his brother. “plus think about how much it’ll piss them off,” Sirius says lightly, laughing a little.
Almost.
“Excuse me?” Regulus feels like an idiot all over again and looks at Sirius unbelievably, and it’s as if his heart has just shattered into a million little pieces. “Fuck you, Sirius. Merlin, I thought you were actually being genuine for once.”
Sirius looks confused. “What? I was, Regulus, were you not listening–”
Regulus feels his eyes water, and he hates himself even more for it. “No, fuck off, the only thing that this was was some kind of final retaliation at our parents, some bloody finale, something to anger them. This wasn’t for me, this was only for you and them.”
“Reg, no that’s no–”
“No, of course, it was all for you! Some sort of final ‘fuck you’ to them, right? Never about me–”
Sirius interrupts this time. “Oh, please, fucking spare me of your self-pity! Everything in my entire life, every decision, every fight, everything has been for you! And I’m so bloody tired of you thinking that it wasn’t! Tell me, what am I supposed to be doing for you?!”
“Nothing!” Regulus shouts back. “I never asked anything from you, I didn’t ask for you to do any of it!”
Sirius scoffs. “Obviously you do, because if you weren’t then you wouldn’t be looking so heavily about every word that leaves my mouth. So what do you want?”
“You!” Regulus snaps, feeling himself breathing heavily. “All that I wanted was you, to have my brother. And all you want from me is to act as some kind of revenge, some plan, a prank on our parents.”
Sirius snaps immediately, “That’s not all that I want you fucking idiot!”
“Hey!” A voice shouts suddenly, footsteps gaining on them and sounding closer than ever before, both brothers snap their heads over to find the source and find Remus, Peter, and James running toward them. “What the fuck is going on over here?’ James asks urgently, eyes flicking nervously between the two.
Sirius laughs menacingly, looking at Regulus with disgust. “I just forget sometimes that my family was full of such fucking insane idiots. He just keeps on reminding me.”
Regulus’ jaw clenches. “Sirius,” James says gravely, effectively getting Sirius to stop talking and look at James, who tilts his head back to the castle very slightly, signaling for the other to leave. “No more.”
Sirius, to his credit, does begrudgingly leave with Remus right by his side–Regulus takes note of the way Remus looks at James, the way he shakes his head when Sirius turns around to leave. But almost immediately, Sirius stops in his tracks and turns around once more. “Sometimes I think that it’s unfair that we’re related.” Regulus knows exactly what Sirius is going to say before he says it, dreading hearing the words. “You know who has always been there for me throughout everything? James. Remus. And Peter. Never you. Do you know who always picked me up when I fell apart? Who has never ever made me cry? James.”
Sirius laughs and shakes his head, Regulus can see how the words that are about to fall from his lips become blades, the dreaded words. “You know, sometimes, I think everything in my life would be better if I could have–”
“Please don’t,” Regulus croaks before he can stop himself, knowing how hurt he’d be if he had to hear Sirius say what he was about to say, heart already breaking just by knowing what those words were sure to be.
Sirius walks away with a few mutters that Regulus can’t hear, and silently Remus and Peter trail behind him, leaving James standing right next to Regulus. “Reg,” James begins, reaching out slightly.
“No,” Regulus whispers angling away from him slightly, “please don’t.”
“Okay, okay.” James puts his hands down. “Are you alright?”
“I’ve been better.” Regulus keeps his eyes trained on the ground, hating himself, hating his brother, unsure if he just made the wrong choice once again.
“Do you want me to stay here with you?” James asks quietly.
“No,” Regulus shakes his head and scoffs at himself. “Yes. I don’t know. Give me a moment.”
“Anything you want, love.”
After a few moments of silence Regulus simply nods. “I hate him,” he decides.
Regulus can practically feel James' disappointment radiating off of him. “He means the best,” James tries. “He lashes out when he’s angry–”
“Yes, I did grow up with him, I’m very well aware,” Regulus cuts in sharply.
James grimaces and bounces on his feet awkwardly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean–here let’s just get inside, it’s getting cold.”
Regulus quickly clears his throat and looks away from James at the Great Lake in front of him. “I think I’m just going to go back to my dorm. Alone,” he clarifies as kindly as he can, not meaning it rudely, just simply tired.
James doesn’t even look offended, he looks like he understands, how bizarre. “Is it alright if I just walk you back?”
Regulus finds himself smiling slightly, and he curses James' ability to do this to him, despises it, and loves it all the same. “Sure, Potter.”
“Regulus,” James whines, exasperated as always at the nickname. “Why do you keep calling me that?”
“To keep you on your toes.” Regulus shrugs.
Regulus walks in silence all the way to his dorm, thinking, thinking, thinking. And James walks by his side, not pressuring him to talk, not expecting any sort of explanation. For the first time in a while, Regulus finds that he does want to talk, and wants to rant to James, or his friends, about what happened. But for now, he’s too tired to deal with anything more.
They approach the door to Regulus’ dorm, and James gently puts his hand on Regulus’ cheek, softly tilting his head up so they can look at each other. “Are you gonna be okay?” he asks.
Regulus scoffs. “When am I not?” he responds sarcastically.
James grins brightly and leans down to give Regulus a tender kiss, full of delicacy and care, something Regulus has rarely had in kisses before James. The sudden softness of their lips melting together, something about the safety he feels with James, or just the amount he feels for him, whatever it is it is so strong that it makes Regulus tear up.
They pull apart, and give one more kiss to one another, quick but just as lovely. “Night, James.”
James smiles shyly. “Goodnight, honey bunches,” he replies sickeningly sweet.
“Ruined the moment,” Regulus mutters teasingly with a shake of his head, before kissing James just one more time before finally entering his dorm. On the other side, his friends sit quietly, the rare times when they can do things independently and in silence.
Pandora makes eye contact with him first. “What’s wrong? Everything alright?”
Regulus feels tears fall from his eyes, and he doesn’t stop them, doesn’t try, doesn’t even feel embarrassed about it. Just cries. Later he’ll tell his friends all that happened that day, and they don’t criticize the words he said, or ridicule his reactions. They listen, swear they’re going to beat up Sirius and promise they won’t go near him when Regulus glares at them.
They’re his friends, they know him, and, quite honestly, it’s something Regulus is tired of running from, he’s tired of being scared of it. He’s not going to hide from them again.