Chapter 19
Regulus wakes up with an unfamiliar warmth spreading through his chest. He feels James’ strong arms that are wrapped around him, and a part of him wishes he had never woken up, just so he’d be able to stay here a little longer before they have to separate.
After a few moments, Regulus opens his eyes, unsurprised to find James looking down at him. “Morning,” James whispers, voice thick with sleep.
Regulus smiles and charms the curtains to stay silenced and locked. “Morning.”
James watches him fondly for a moment before he suddenly groans and very gently knocks his forehead on Regulus’. “You shouldn’t be allowed to look this good in the morning, Reg. It should be impossible.”
Regulus rolls his eyes fondly, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to these compliments that James is so used to throwing around as if it’s extra change. But it’s impossible to ignore the way that each one never fails to please him. “Shut up.”
“Do you remember how hard you laughed when I told you that we should be friends?” James asks softly, just gazing so fondly at Regulus that it makes his heart ache in his chest just a little bit.
“Which time?”
James grins brighter. “The very first time to my face, when I snuck up on you in the library.”
Regulus thinks back, and it’s not difficult to find the memory, especially when he remembers everything with James so vividly. “Yeah,” Regulus whispers. He remembers how he was excited to not be alone. He remembers that he didn’t like that it was his initial thought. “I thought I hated you then.”
“Thought?” James questions, running his fingers through Regulus’ curls.
“Thought. I didn’t like that I was so quick to trust you when I spent so long hating you.”
James' hand that's in Regulus’ hair grows slower. “Does it make you dislike me more…after everything that happened?”
“No. I could never dislike you,” Regulus confesses with his voice no louder than a whisper despite the curtains being silenced and the room asleep. “But I know exactly how it feels to have someone who knows everything about me and to watch them leave. I hate that history repeated itself and I didn’t even see it coming this time.”
“I’m not leaving,” James urges once more, with absolutely no insincerity hidden in his words. Regulus knows this and feels it with every fiber in his body, but somehow Regulus still wonders. He doesn’t even know how it’s possible for the two to coexist, but they do for Regulus.
James has done it once, and who’s to say that he won’t do it again? Everyone in his life goes. Regulus just has a sneaking suspicion that it has to be his fault, something inside him is enough to make people leave.
Because Regulus is too much. He’s too much of complex things, he’s too tangled. He’s messed up. Regulus can’t reassure James' fear with simple words, he can’t be affectionate all of the time, and he doesn’t know how to be vulnerable.
James is so good, so beautiful and lovely, that he deserves all of these things and ten times more. He deserves someone who knows what they’re doing, someone who knows how to treat him in the way that he needs.
Not Regulus.
Regulus can and will give everything good to James that he possibly can. All the sunshine that he possesses, all positive traits he might hold inside. He will give all of it to James, without question or any hesitation.
But deep down Regulus knows that it can never be enough. That he will never be enough.
It’s better if James goes if he picks someone that is worthy of feeling his love.
Not Regulus.
Regulus smiles sadly. “But you will. I understand that Lily has you wrapped around her finger, and Sirius will always be in front of me, always first in line with your loyalty. So you can hold me now until you will leave me for one of them, and I’m better prepared for it now.”
James just shakes his head. “No, Regulus you don’t get it. Me and Lily? We’re friends, and I know that’s all we’re going to be.”
Regulus dismisses this with a scoff. “But you can’t say that for sure, not when we both saw how that been true in the past.” Regulus can’t stand that he keeps feeling this way, he hates that lots of his problems and insecurities stem from years worth of torment and cruel words from his family.
James slowly moves his hand from Regulus’ hair onto his cheeks, holding his face and softly stroking the side of his face. “Reg, Lily asked me out earlier that day at Hogsmeade-“
“If you think I want to hear all about your romantic excursions with her then you’re sorely mistaken,” Regulus interrupts sharply with a glare.
“Let me explain, please,” James says softly and continues when Regulus rolls his eyes and nods. “I said yes because I felt like I was losing control of things. I know now that I only felt that way because I didn’t have you the way I wanted.”
Regulus feels a bit of relief come to him, but not all the anxiety has just suddenly dissipated. “But she liked you, and you must’ve liked her, after pining after her for so long people just expect you to be with her. It’s what’s right.”
“Regulus,” James pleads. “This is embarrassing for me to admit, but Lily only asked me out because I was sad. Sirius asked her to do it because he didn’t like the state I was in, and Lily agreed because she was trying to make someone jealous.”
Oh. At first, Regulus doesn’t even register everything once it’s all said to him. He feels so angry that two people closest to James were able to do something so stupid and hurtful. He never would’ve expected Lily to do something, if anything Regulus would’ve expected her to realize the damage that she could be causing with something like this.
And Sirius? To do something so careless is fitting for him, so Regulus maybe isn’t all that surprised. But to intrude on his best friend’s life in that way is so angering. Maybe Regulus will always be more upset when Sirius upsets James, or vice versa because he doesn’t like how the other two will forever be brothers, close in a way that Regulus will never be able to achieve.
Maybe he feels like the two Gryffindors take the other for granted, and Regulus knows deep down–though he loathes to admit it–if he had Sirius again he would never dare to make him upset. And if he had obtained the level of closeness with James that Sirius has, he never would come close to letting it go.
Sirius, Sirius, Sirius. He told James the other day that he’d never speak to his brother again, but even when the words fell out of his mouth and long before then, he knew it was a lie. But even hearing the name in his mind hurts, Regulus doesn’t know how he can talk with him painlessly.
“Honestly, I don’t view her as anything more than a close friend,” James rambles on when Regulus takes a few moments. “Even when she asked me out I already knew that-“
“Wait, so it was all just some stupid plan?”
James looks away from Regulus, looking almost embarrassed and sheepish. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“That’s a stupid fucking thing to try and plan,” Regulus says icily.
“It’s-“
“Oh, don’t even try and tell me that it’s fine, Potter. None of that even seems remotely fine. Did either of them apologize at the very least?”
James grimaces slightly. “Well, to be fair I haven’t really given them a chance to. They did when it first happened, but I’ve been avoiding them since then. Also, I thought we were well past the ‘Potter’ stage. I think having your tongue in my mouth means we are strictly on a first-name basis.”
Regulus ignores James’ attempt to change the subject even though a small part of him wants to laugh. Regulus can’t stand that James has this power in the first place. He is glad to hear that the two had the decency to apologize at the very least. “Are you upset with them at all?”
“The tiniest bit,” James confesses but widens his eyes as soon as Regulus sits up in bed quickly as if he was about to dart out of it. “Reg, love, I’m being so completely honest with you, I know my friends. They didn’t have any cruel intentions, and I don’t doubt that they’ll apologize as soon as possible.”
James is sitting up with his back against the headrest, and just by looking at him Regulus slowly finds himself softening at the edges slightly, out of his control. “Fine. But the next time they upset you in the slightest I will not hesitate to find them and hex them so hard-“
“Regulus,” James says, voice unmistakably stern and so foreign for Regulus to hear from James that it halts any words about to leave his mouth, “No. They’re my friends. I don’t care what they do to me, you will absolutely never harm them. Understand?”
Regulus can’t stand that James’ tone has any sort of effect on him, but of course, it does. He huffs, “Fine. Maybe I won’t, but-“
“None of your friends will either,” James dismisses immediately with the same sternness as before flashing the smallest of smiles at Regulus. “Now come here real quick,” he says while holding his arms out signaling for Regulus to sit in his lap.
Regulus very hesitantly climbs in, he always expected this show of affection to be awkward, and yet, here in his arms, James doesn’t even allow any of those feelings to happen. James just continues to run his calloused yet soft hands through Regulus’ hair, down his sides, and down his back, sending shivers down Regulus’ spine.
James' hands land in his hair once again, moving some fallen curls out of his face, and he slowly guides Regulus’ head down until they’re feeling each other’s irregular breathing on one another’s faces. “Can I kiss you?” James whispers.
Regulus grins softly. “Please do,” he whispers back.
Their kiss is gentle like it always seems to start until it gradually picks up when James catches Regulus’ bottom lip between his teeth. “It’s very attractive when you’re eager to protect me,” James says in between kisses, his voice already breathless.
“Not the only thing I’m eager for,” Regulus replies with the same amount of breathlessness against James’ lips as he rolls his hips against the other.
James’ grip on the other’s hair tightens when the words fall from Regulus’ lips, and both of them moan into each other’s mouths. James groans as soon as Regulus pulls off of his lips, which isn’t too soon after. “It’s morning time,” Regulus whispers with his eyes closed, surprised that any words are even capable of being spoken by him. He fully intends to tell James to stop, but he moves his head so that his neck is completely open for James to adorn however he chooses.
“I’m aware,” James replies as he kisses down Regulus’ neck, doing just as Regulus expected, and Regulus hisses when James begins sucking little love bites onto his skin right by his ear.
Regulus bites down on his bottom lip and makes the responsible decision to finally pull back completely from James, keeping a steadying hand on James’ chest. “They’re gonna be mad at you.”
“Let them,” James murmurs.
“You are absolutely not ruining any of your friendships for me.” Neither of them points out that just being with Regulus is risking the friendship between James and Sirius, and that there’s a possibility that James is doing something deemed traitorous by Sirius. But they both feel it, it surrounds them and only goes away for moments at a time.
Maybe that scares Regulus more than anything.
Is Regulus really worth it? Truthfully he isn’t worth any trouble, and he doesn’t really want to come between anybody. That kind of guilt would probably eat him alive.
“I see you thinking.” James softly knocks his forehead against Regulus’. “What are you thinking about?”
Regulus sighs softly. “I’m sorry that they did that to you.”
“You don’t have to apologize, it’s not like you were the one who did it.”
“You didn’t deserve it,” Regulus assures.
Regulus notices James’ breath hitch and how he nods stiffly. “Sure.”
Regulus nods hesitantly and puts his hands in James’ hair. It takes a few moments to say the words that are on the tip of his tongue, a mini-battle going on in his head as he wonders if it’s even the right thing to say or if it’s all just pointless. “And if we’re going to do this then we’re gonna have to tell them.”
“I know, love,” James whispers as his eyes grow fond and soft, “and we’ll figure it all out soon. I promise.”
☽⋆
Eventually, Regulus crawls out of James’ lap, much to James’ demise, and they both come to the silent realization that they can’t stay cooped up in Regulus’ bed forever.
“Goodbye my love,” James says dramatically, bringing Regulus’ hands to his lips. “I do not know when I’ll see you again, but I will miss you with all my heart.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, but James sees the softness in them and knows that he’s amused. “See you in thirty minutes for breakfast, Potter.”
James scowls. “You using that name is going to be the death of me.”
Regulus scoffs. “Oh, well, if that’s the case I’ll gladly keep on using it.”
James opens his mouth in disbelief but it quickly spreads into a smile. “You are terribly mean to me, you know that?”
“And yet you still look so enamored by it,” Regulus points out.
James looks at him fondly, and he doesn’t think he ever wants to look away. “How could I not? You’re just so beautiful.”
“You’re an idiot,” is all Regulus replies with, and James could’ve predicted the response but it still makes his heart swell with joy all the same.
James begrudgingly leaves not too long later, under his cloak and before Barty and Evan even wake up. When he walks into his dorm room, he doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but it’s not for Sirius to be sitting on the edge of his bed, avoiding eye contact and looking like a child who is about to be scolded.
See, James isn’t one to keep a grudge, ever. So even now he doesn’t hold any resentment towards Sirius, and none towards Lily. “I’m honestly really sorry James, for what Lils and I did,” Sirius says carefully, “I really, really hope that I didn’t cause any trouble between you and whoever you’ve been seeing.”
James sighs, he never would’ve guessed how difficult this whole thing could be. Because he has Regulus now, so it doesn’t really matter. But a part of James will always be a little upset that he couldn’t have Regulus sooner. And he heard how upset Regulus was and how envious he was of Lily, and a part of James will always resent how maybe a tiny bit of those fears could’ve been prevented, and yet it wasn’t.
“It was dumb,” Sirius says quickly, always afraid of growing silence.
“That it was.”
“I can’t even believe I did that to you.” Sirius shakes his head as if he’s disappointed. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, but I know-”
“It’s okay,” James whispers after a few moments of rambling. “I forgive you.”
“Are you sure? Because it was way out of line and I completely understand if you don’t forgive me.”
“Pads, it’s okay,” James reassures, meaning it with every bone in his body. “I promise. It was dumb, but you thought you were doing the right thing, I can’t and won’t fault you for it forever.”
Sirius visibly sags in relief and lets out a long sigh. “God, I was terrified.”
James shakes his head out of confusion. “Of what?”
“I dunno, I thought you might kick me out or something. I would’ve deserved it, but I was still dreading hearing it.” Sirius says it like a joke and tries to make it one, but that fear is still lingering in his slightly shaky voice.
James sits on the bed right next to Sirius and wraps his arms around him. “I will never, ever do that to you, there’s probably nothing you could do to make me do that to you.”
“I know, I know. I swear on it. It just—it doesn’t go away. That house, those people, they instill so many reactions and fears in me within fucking seconds.” He takes a deep breath. “I just wish it was that quick for all of them to go away. But they don’t, they just pester me and throw rocks at my relationships with people.”
James hugs Sirius a little tighter. “I wish I could take all of it away from you.”
Sirius looks at James, his best friend since the beginning of time and best friend until the end of it. “I think you already have started to.”
“Love you, Sirius.”
Sirius playfully hits James on the head and muses up his hair. “Love you too, Prongs.”
James loves Sirius, he’d go to war with him in an instant and without any hesitation. And he doesn’t want to hurt him. So he does spend lots of time wondering how to go about maintaining both his relationship with Sirius and Regulus.
“Have you tried talking to your brother?” James asks as carefully and calmly as he can manage.
Sirius scoffs. “Still haven’t tried.”
“But you want to,” James questions.
“Of course I do.” James watches as Sirius suddenly pulls a disgusted face and seems to grow almost upset. “God, did you see his fucking neck?” James stiffens but tries his hardest to pretend that it’s nothing out of the ordinary. “Whoever it is that has no decorum and attacked his fucking neck like an animal is absolutely dead to me once I figure out who it is.”
“Why?” James asks and his voice breaks and comes out high-pitched in clear distress, Sirius seems too upset to really even notice.
“It’s my brother. He used to read books and write embarrassingly bad stories that I adored. He used to love to swim, but never in anything deeper than four feet because he wasn’t tall enough. Whoever is out there stealing his innocence–”
“Isn’t he almost seventeen?”
Sirius glares. “Almost, but not quite.” he rolls his eyes. “I get it, he’s old enough, and I know that he can responsibly make his own decisions. I just wish that we could talk about things again, I could give him advice and make fun of the people he chooses to make him look like an idiot with idiotic marks for everyone to see. I mean, seriously, did neither of them even attempt to hide it.”
“I’m sure they had their reasons,” James immediately defends, slightly offended, before clearing his throat once Sirius narrows his eyes at James. “Maybe you should try talking to him about it, maybe he feels the same.”
Sirius shakes his head. “He’s stubborn. And even if he felt the same way, he would absolutely never tell me.”
“You won’t know unless you try,” James suggests.
Sirius smiles. “Guess I’ll never know.”
“What? What happened to fixing things and having him back? Just a second ago you said that you wanted to, I don’t understand.”
“I want to. Of course, I want to. But if I already know how it’s going to end, then why should I put myself through the disappointment of it all.”
“You don’t know for certain, and you can’t just give up before even starting.” James knows that he should stop pushing, but he just wants to understand. He can’t lose either of them. “He needs you. You need him. I can help if you need me to.”
Sirius thinks for a few moments. “I don’t even know how you can help, he hates you.” Not anymore, James wants to say immediately, but for obvious reasons, he refrains. Sirius sighs. “But I’ll try to do it. But I’m not sure how much longer I’m capable of trying.”
“Just trying in the first place is more than enough,” James replies softly.
Sirius smiles sadly. “I really hope so.”
“Wanna join the others for breakfast?” James questions smoothly, ready to see his friends again. Yes, he loves them all very much, and not being able to see them for around a day has him missing them all like crazy.
“Is that even a question?” Sirius responds as he practically jumps out of bed, James right behind him as they scramble downstairs.
Once they arrive in the Great Hall, Sirius throws himself in the seat right next to Remus and James does the same to the one between Peter and Lily.
Lily jumps and practically screams at James’ sudden appearance. She shoves his arm harshly, but not in a cruel manner. “You absolute dimwit, you two scared the shit out of me!”
“Assholes,” Peter mutters as he takes a sip of his juice, obviously looking just as scared as Lily was.
James laughs genuinely and Sirius says, “Calm your tits, we just missed you guys soo much. I mean, honestly, Evans if I was unable to see your obnoxiously red hair and equally obnoxious green eyes for another second I fear I would’ve done something terrible,” his voice is quite clearly sarcastic and only makes James laugh harder.
Lily glares at Sirius and it’s clear she doesn’t find him all that amusing. “Well personally, Black, my day would’ve been a hell of a lot better if I didn’t have to see your actually terrifying grey eyes for another second.” Lily grimaces and Sirius gapes at her which only grows bigger as she continues to speak. “And also, your hair is actually offending me with how messy it is, would you mind doing something to it so that my obnoxious eyes aren’t harmed any longer?
Remus hides his smile behind his mug of coffee, and James struggles not to laugh at Lily’s ruthlessness. Everyone at the table is well aware of the way Sirius and Lily will relentlessly bully each other, honestly, it’s actually surprising that Sirius hasn’t said anything back– “Fuck you, Lily. You know I could go on and on about how that brown hat absolutely does not go with every outfit you put on to go to Hogsmeade and how it would look better in the bin, but I choose to be nice.”
Lily widens her mouth in shock. “You told me that you liked the hat!”
“Yeah, well, I lied,” Sirius responds smoothly with a grimace and raised eyebrows.
“Well, I, for one absolutely adore the hat,” Mary pipes in suddenly, looking very serious in her statement.
“The hat or Lily?” Peter teases lightly, flinching harshly when Mary throws a piece of toast at his face.
Lily ignores what Peter says and looks at Mary as if the other’s validation was worth one hundred times more than whatever negative thing Sirius had to say. “See, Mary gets it!”
Remus scoffs. “There’s something seriously wrong with you three.”
James grins, oh he loves his friends and looks around the table only to find someone missing. “Where’s Marlene?”
Lily sighs and her face grows red. “Mad at me for reasons I won’t be disclosing.”
Mary clears her throat awkwardly and looks down at the table when James looks her way. “Said she needed time alone.”
Oh, James reads it loud and clear. Marlene definitely walked in at the wrong time between Lily and Mary, James can just tell.
He grins and nods his head even though he can see right through the two, he doesn’t comment on it. “Sure.” James looks across the room, obviously looking for Regulus, and he feels his heart grow when he spots him. Regulus is sitting in a green sweater that James wants nothing more than to touch and his hair is perfectly styled in little waves. Regulus must feel James’ eyes on his because it’s not long before their eyes connect.
Regulus rolls his eyes and James can see him sigh, putting on his typical bored front. Underneath it, James can tell he looks brighter than ever before, happier, and just as beautiful as he has always been. Almost as if he can read his mind, Regulus’ cheeks go pink and he mouths a quick Shut up from across the hall that makes James look down at his plate and laugh uncontrollably.
“What’s making you laugh over there, Prongs,” Sirius asks, voice teasing and invasive like best friends always are.
“Oh nothing,” James replies with a dreamy sigh. “Just happy is all.”
“Sap,” Lily mutters fondly as she knocks her shoulder into his.
James sighs again and looks at his friends, but he widens his eyes when he sees Remus staring at him knowingly. James practically runs away when Remus narrows his eyes and shakes his head at James. Whatever Remus is saying is so loud in his actions, James can practically feel the anger radiating off of Moony, but he does it so quietly that nobody at the table notices the way James freaks out internally.
Shit.