Chapter 11
Regulus was not going to cry. He really wasn’t. But there’s just something so awful whenever his brother is celebrating the relationship between James and Lily.
He had never wanted to be Lily Evans more than in that moment. Lily who had James Potter since the two of them were eleven, and Lily who had all of his own brother’s support.
She was everything that Regulus had wanted to be.
Because Regulus had wanted James to parade him around, and make extravagant acts of love in the corridors. He wanted to have his brother yelling on the tables in support of their relationship.
He knew he wasn’t who James belonged to, that place was occupied by Lily. So, he slips off. He hadn’t told his friends about James, other than Dorcas, and now he definitely was not going to.
Regulus was supposed to be smarter than this, he was supposed to be the friend who never showed his emotions, unless it was humorous. And yet, he did.
He gave more to a guy who was never his to begin with.
He makes it to his dorm, sitting on his bed, and it’s not long before Dorcas is right there next to him, holding him. But he is not going to cry.
But, God, does he want to.
He’s slipping, he’s standing on the edge about to fall over.
“I’ve got you, Regulus. Let it out.” Dorcas says soothingly.
He falls hard, tears spilling out of his eyes uncontrollably, and Dorcas is there to catch him. And she always will be.
“I’m such an idiot.” Regulus says through tears.
Dorcas rubs his shoulder, “No, Regulus, you’re far from it. He’s an idiot, he doesn’t deserve you.”
“I fell for it, I believed him. It’s my fault.”
“Oh Regulus, tell me what happened, yeah?”
He does, even though it takes ten times longer than it should since he’s crying through the whole story. Regulus can’t bring himself to look at her face, he doesn’t know what to expect from her reaction.
But, she just holds him tighter, rubbing his arm, “Not your fault, Regulus. He’s a fucking knobhead for pulling you along like that. You are not an idiot for all the shit that he did.”
“Feels like I am.” Regulus says, grateful for the tears finally starting to slow.
“I know Reg, I know. You will for a while, but I’ll be here always. I’ll be the one who tells you that you’re not. Okay? Because you’re not any of the bad things that you think you are, even if you don’t believe it.”
The tears start once more, except they are now ten times harder. To the point where Regulus is kind of losing control of every part of himself. “What was I supposed to do, Dorcas? What did I do wrong? Please tell me, I don’t- I don’t know what I did to make him not want me back.”
“Oh Regulus. Nothing. You did-” Her voice catches, and Regulus realizes that Dorcas is crying with him, “-You did nothing wrong. Alright?”
“I hate him, I think. I can’t even look at anything without thinking about him. I feel pathetic, we weren’t even fucking together.” Regulus doesn’t think that he will ever stop crying, because he can’t see the end point of his these stupid tears.
“I hate him right along with you. You’re not pathetic, Regulus, you’re simply human. You’re reacting to a sad situation, you have emotions. How scary!”
Regulus laughs wetly, “It’s very scary, actually. I mean I feel like I told him so much about me, just for him to do this. It’s all so messed up now.”
Dorcas sighs, “He’ll see it someday, he’ll see how he fucked up. And when he comes back, you’ll be the one to turn him away. Okay? You will be the one to leave him there. Because someone like him shouldn’t get people as brilliant as you.”
“I’m not strong enough for that.”
“You’re plenty strong, Regulus.”
He doesn’t argue with that, he just keeps crying.
Even if he’s not strong right now, he knows one day he will be.
Regulus has fallen, but he gets back up again. He and Dorcas sat there together on the bed for a while, Dorcas simply holding him through every shudder, every tear, every calming breath. Regulus soon decided to take a shower before classes, and Dorcas decided to finish breakfast. He was finally alone and able to think about everything that happened.
He despises how James was able to make him feel so low, to make him sob in his best friends’ arms. He despises how James made him feel so worthless, he hates how he's now another person who made Regulus feel like he's not good enough.
He wishes it was an easy climb to being okay again, but it wasn’t. He was crushed, and Dorcas being the only one who knows all about it, was constantly trying to make him feel better. Regulus could admit, it was really bad for the first couple days. He was always with Barty when James could see them, wanting to piss him off. When he wasn’t with Barty, Evan, or Pandora, he was stuck in his bed. He had Dorcas to thank for his well being, without her he wouldn’t be eating right, he wouldn’t shower, he’d slack off in classes, it goes on from there, really.
But she was always there for him, she never left his side when he really needed her.
She was his rock, and he was always grateful for her.
The others noticed and there was Dorcas coming to the rescue, telling them it was his brother, or school, or Quidditch, any lie to make them quit worrying.
Dorcas thought it would be best if Regulus told the others the truth, but Regulus begged her not to tell them, not wanting to feel more pity from others, or the overwhelming amount of shame for being so dumb.
Several days later, after classes are done and they are on their way to dinner, Barty pulls him into a cupboard, Evan following closely behind them.
“Are you sure you’re doing alright?” Barty asks once they are all inside.
Regulus clears his throat, “Yeah, just been a bit tired.” He has actually been a lot better from everything that happened, to the point where it didn’t even feel like he was lying.
Evan snorts from the corner, “What, is ‘tired’ code for up all night shagging?”
Barty rolls his eyes before turning to look at Evan, “For fucks sake, I’ve already told you, Ev. It’s not real.”
“Please,” Evan rolls his eyes back, “It definitely doesn’t look fake.”
“Oh, Merlin.” Barty sighs rubbing his hands over his face, “Regulus please tell him, before I lose my bloody mind.”
Regulus stifles a grin, “Evan, do you honestly think I’d stoop as low as to shag Barty?”
“Oi!” Barty shouts.
“Good point.” Evan nods.
Barty frowns at the two of them, “I’ll have both of you know that I can be a proper good boyfriend if I wanted to.”
“Barty, every bird you’ve brought over has left in tears.” Evan points out.
“Right, well, maybe not a good boyfriend to girls, but I think I could be a bloody great one for you Ev.” Barty winks at Evan, causing Regulus to groan internally. Barty liking guys as much as girls, was something he never shied away from. However, he never really told anyone outside of their little group; therefore, he never really tried to get with other guys.
Leaving Barty to constantly flirt with Evan or Regulus, no matter the situation. Regulus had gotten used to it, but Evan was always strongly affected by it.
“I highly doubt that.” Evan replied confidently, even if he was slightly flushed.
Barty shifts closer to Evan, “I definitely do not.”
Regulus scoffs, reminding the two of his presence, “Barty, leave him alone. The poor bloke is all shaky because of you.”
Barty snorts, “Not the first time he’s been all shaky because of me.” Both Regulus and Evan groan at that.
“Disgusting whore,” Evan begins lightly swatting at him, causing Barty to laugh, “Anyways, then why are you two so close lately?”
Regulus sighs, “I want to make someone jealous.”
“So you chose Barty?”
Regulus shrugs, “He’s easy.”
“Oi! I am not easy, I am just too charming for my own good.”
Evan snorts, “You’re just an idiot, there’s no charm going on in that big head of yours.”
Barty reaches for Evan’s hands before sighing dramatically, “My darling, Ev. Why are you so mean to me today?”
“Just felt like it, really.”
Barty doesn’t respond, instead just looking at Evan, this goes on for a moment, causing Regulus to, once again, announce his presence.
“For fucks sake,” Regulus groans, “Am I just bloody invisible or something?”
“Of course not, Regulus,” Barty snaps his head at Regulus and walks over to him, “You are just so short-”
Regulus interrupts, “Piss off, I am not.”
“-I can’t help but see past you every now and then.” Barty puts his hands in Regulus’ hair, causing Regulus to swat at him.
Evan sighs, “Can we please go to dinner now? I am starving.”
The three of them make their way to the Great Hall, except as soon as they enter Barty throws himself onto Regulus, causing Evan to glare at the two of them.
Regulus subtly looks for James, but is a bit cheerful when he sees that he’s not there.
Except he notices that Lily is gone as well, making Regulus a bit nauseous when he realizes that they must be doing something together.
“There’s no need to do it now.” Evan tells them through gritted teeth.
Barty grins, “Ev, love, we’re just walking.”
Evan doesn’t reply, rolling his eyes and sitting in his seat, all of them shortly being joined by an excited Pandora and a bored Dorcas.
Pandora spends the entirety of dinner telling everyone about what happened in her Potions class, though she speaks unnecessarily fast, so nobody can really keep up with her story.
Barty sighs when she’s done, “Pandora, dear, it would’ve been nice to hear what you actually said.”
Pandora groans, “Too fast?”
“Very.” Barty grins as Pandora puts her head in her hands.
“Well then. I am not repeating myself. I’m off. Dorcas, do you want to come along?” Pandora stands up looking at Dorcas, grinning widely when Dorcas nods and gets up to join her.
The three remaining decide to head off to the dorms, sitting in the rarely empty common room.
Evan groans suddenly from where he’s sitting on the other side of Barty on a sofa. Regulus is sitting on the other side of Barty, simply reading, yet all the way on the edge of it.
Barty sighs, “What now?”
Evan puts his forehead on Barty’s arm, “Please, put me out of my misery Barty.”
Barty shakes his head disapprovingly, “Such an awful request. What’s wrong?”
Evan groans again, “I promised Slughorn that I’d help him tutor first years after dinner.”
“Oh you stupid idiot. Why did you do that?”
“I was being… nice.” Evan replies with disgust, and he puts his head in Barty’s lap dramatically, closing his eyes and face towards the ceiling.
There’s a slight pink in Barty’s cheeks, although his voice comes out confidently, “Now, why would you do that?”
“Because I am the biggest idiot in the world.”
“No, you’re not,” Barty says softly, a fondness heavy in his eyes.
Evan opens his eyes, a rather large grin blooming on his face.
“You two disgust me.” Regulus says, going back to his book.
Evan sits up, clearing his throat, “Right. I’m off to do my one nice thing for the year.”
“You’re always nice.” Barty murmurs as Evan leaves, too quiet for him to hear, but loud enough so Regulus can.
Regulus snorts, “You my friend, you are an idiot.”
“Why?”
Regulus shakes his head, still smiling “I’m going to bed.”
As Regulus attempts to sleep, he can’t help thinking. Inevitably, he thinks about James. He wonders how differently things would be, had Regulus done something different. Somehow he finds himself realizing that it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t have done anything differently, all decisions were pretty much made by James.
But, he still can’t help but think that he was in the wrong, that something is wrong with him. Because, why else would James not try hard for him? If nothing was wrong with Regulus, then how come James isn’t lying with him right now? Why is James not fighting for Regulus?
Is he not worth the trouble?
Is he not worth fighting for?