Chapter 12
It has to be intentional, Crouch and Regulus being so close all of a sudden. The rational side of James' brain is telling him it’s on purpose, a plan in order to make him jealous or angry.
But oh, it’s working.
Because they’re so fucking close, almost constantly. During every meal, in the corridors, everywhere James sees Regulus, Crouch is right by his side. He’s doing everything James wishes to do.
He’s angry, an anger he’s never felt before, but he gets to see Regulus genuinely laughing.
And that is such a marvelous sight. It’s so wonderful, in fact, that even when he feels his chest tighten, or his head pounding, he’ll see Regulus smile and instantly just forget. It’s not him making Regulus smile, but it’s there, shining and real, making James stop whatever he’s doing.
James doesn’t think that he’s ever made a bigger mistake, and he doesn’t even know where to begin in order to fix it.
The next several days come and go, an endless cycle of playing pretend and an intense wave of jealousy every ten minutes. Regulus has yet to even look at James, and he has every right not to. That’s the difficult part, the fact that Regulus has every right to be mad at James, so everything he does is insanely justified.
But James just wants acknowledgement, even if he knows that he doesn’t deserve it. He just wants a glance, a glare, disgust, James doesn’t care, as long as it’s something.
There’s something horrible about being ignored, to have the one person that you desire be the same one who pretends like you don’t exist.
It’s the first time James has paid such close attention to anything, he notices everything that has to do with Regulus. He sees him constantly, and everywhere that James goes, he will always scan the room for Regulus. Even in places that he for sure won’t be, in James’ classes, in the Gryffindor common room, at parties, it doesn't matter.
James is always looking.
And almost every time, James swears that he can see him. He swears that every person with dark curls is Regulus. The person who is standing in the corners at parties, the guy who’s engrossed in his book at the library covering his face with whatever he's reading, the one who was staring at the sky while James was standing outside, all of them James thought for sure was Regulus.
But none of them were actually him. No matter how badly James wished that it was.
James sees it all now. He shuns himself for not taking a moment to just think about what he felt. If he did then he’d realize why he adored Regulus’ smile so much. If he did, then he’d realize why he felt that he could trust him so early in their little friendship. Or why he felt no shame in crying in his arms. If he took just a second, he’d realize the true reason for his disappointment when they had to split ways every night. It’s all so obvious now, and James wishes that he could go back and shake himself into seeing it all.
He had done it all because of just how much Regulus was the one for James, because of how much love he had for Regulus. It was an overwhelming amount of love, now that James sees it now.
It makes it all that much more heartbreaking when he realizes that there's a chance that James has lost him forever.
Finally, an excruciatingly long three weeks later, James was able to actually look into Regulus’ eyes. For maybe a second his mask crashes down, and all James can see is pure sadness. Sadness is one thing that should never cloud Regulus’ eyes, and James is crushed when he sees it there.
And he feels the air leave his lungs, and his heart hurts when he realizes that he was the one who put it there.
The person that he loves, hurt by something that could’ve been controlled. James, the person who absolutely never wants to hurt people that he loves, the same one to bring hurt onto Regulus. The one person James believes has ever truly seen him, and the one person that James truly believes that he would choose in every life, in one way or another.
For a moment, the two are just looking at each other, so many words left unsaid.
James is drowning in Regulus’ gaze, and he is only snapped back to reality when Regulus shifts his eyes to James’ left, his stare turned deadly with so much anger hidden in his grey eyes.
When he looks away fully, James realizes what he must be angry at. Lily is draped over him, with one leg over James’s, head on one shoulder and her arm around his other one.
“Jesus Lily, do you have to be all over me all of the fucking time?” James suddenly snaps, interrupting whatever conversation his friends were having. Lily gets off of him slowly, and he is immediately flooded with guilt. She walks off angrily, and he decides to not follow her.
“Stop being a cunt, James.” Mary whispers when she passes him, as she jogs after Lily instead.
It’s a very tense silence after that, and James covers his eyes with his hands, wanting the world to swallow him whole
“Please stop staring at me,” James begs his friends once he removes his hands, and he’s very glad that they finally do.
Minutes later, he looks over at Regulus, hoping just to see his eyes once more. Only when he looks over there, fucking Crouch is petting Regulus’ hair, taming his curls with his hands. Crouch leans forward and plants a soft, secretive kiss in Regulus’ hair, and James has absolutely lost it. He feels so far away from himself, and all that matters is James, Regulus, and, unfortunately, Crouch.
He shoots up from his table, causing a few drinks to topple over.
He heads straight to the Slytherin table, fully intending to march right over to Crouch. However, at the last second he realizes how stupid that would be, so instead he makes his way out of the Great Hall heading anywhere, but there.
James is sitting on the grass of the Quidditch Pitch when Remus, Sirius, and Peter finally join him.
“Alright, Prongs?” Sirius asks as he sits next to James, the other two standing a good distance away from them, unable to hear their conversation, but close enough to show their support.
“Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.” James responds, fully expecting the conversation to stop there.
“Mate,” Sirius says after a few moments, “I understand that we tend to believe that lie, in order for us to feel better, and I understand that you only say it for the same reason. But please, James, no more. Just tell me what’s wrong, i can't bear to see you like this.”
It’s a miracle that James didn’t start crying uncontrollably at that. He wants to tell them, but he can’t tell Sirius that the reason he’s upset is because he hurt his brother.
James snorts, “You first.”
“Honestly?” Sirius asks, sighing when James nods.
Sirius clears his throat, “I want to try again with my brother. I feel like I missed out on a bunch, well, I know I missed out on a bunch. I’m not saying I want to go back there, or forgive him for how he wronged me. But uh, I want to talk to him and apologize for the shit I’ve done to him. I fucked up, Prongs, and I want to fix it. I want to be something to him, not another person he pretends doesn’t exist.”
James looks at Sirius, noticing his eyes filling with tears that Sirius quickly blinks away.
James hugs him, “Pads, that would be good for you. For both of you.”
Sirius pulls away, “Your turn.”
“Well,” James clears his throat, trying to find a way to tell Sirius the truth, without telling him the whole truth. “I don’t think Lily is the one for me. More like, I know she isn’t. I feel bad but I like somebody else. I like them a lot, maybe even-" James cuts himself off, "Except, I blew it with them. I lost the one person that I think really got me, you know? And I genuinely don’t know where to begin in order to fix it, I’ve just been messing it up with both of them. I just feel so lost, Sirius.”
“Godric, I bet I made it worse when I yelled on the table then.” Sirius says with a slight grimace.
James laughs, “Yeah, yeah I bet you did. Not like you knew.”
“Why’d you say yes, then?” Sirius asks.
“Dunno, I think I believed that I wouldn’t feel as lost. I wasn’t entirely sure that the other person was what I wanted, until I lost them.”
Sirius sighs, “I think you need to talk to Lily, tell her how you feel, then go from there.”
James nods, “Yeah. I will. I do feel bad for not ending it sooner, I hope she doesn’t think that I was dragging her around.”
“Something tells me that she won't mind. Listen, I’m glad you told me, James. And for the record, you are the strongest person that I know. You may be lost, and no matter how cliche this will sound, but I will be there to help guide you.” Sirius says before pulling James in for a hug, James wrapping his arms around Sirius. He can feel more arms wrap around them, Remus and Peter finally joining them.
James is overcome with an insurmountable love for his friends.
He loves them all so much, and he is always grateful for the chance to get to know them. His little family, his people that he could depend his life on.
“Lily. I need to talk to you.”
The two of them make it to the common room, where it’s empty. It’s a couple hours before the big Slytherin vs. Gryffindor Quidditch match.
James takes a deep breath deciding to just go for it, “This isn’t working for me, Lily. I think it’s best if we break up.”
Lily releases a breath, as if she’s relieved, “Okay.”
“Okay?” James repeated, he expected at least some kind of a reaction.
“Yeah,” Lily laughs slightly, “Truthfully, Sirius begged me to ask you out again. Said you were sad about me, but I don’t think you were. But I told him I’d ask you again.”
“Oh?” James asks, stunned.
“Yeah, I wasn’t going to. I have a feeling that it was never me to begin with. Right?”
Lily keeps confessing when James nods, “I have a person that I wanted to make jealous, that’s why I said yes. So, don’t think you’re like, breaking my heart or something.”
At that moment, Sirius walks in.
“Wait,” James begins looking between the two of them, finally catching up to what was said to him. “I ruined everything with them, for someone who didn’t want me in the first place?”
Sirius looks at the ground ashamed, “Well, I didn’t know you had someone. You were sad, and I thought you would feel better if you had Lily.”
“I thought you might’ve seen it as a head start towards getting better!” Lily looks at Sirius for back up, but is disheartened when she receives none.
James scoffs, “And if I did actually love you like that? I would’ve been ten times worse if I found out that it wasn’t real!”
Lily grimaces, “I thought the same. But then, like I said, I wanted to make someone jealous. So, then it just seemed like a good idea after that.”
James points at Sirius, “And you. You didn’t think to tell me earlier? Like last night when I was worried that I was dragging her along? You didn’t even think to not ask her in the first place? I don’t need anybody to make decisions for me, I am fully capable of deciding what goes on in my life.”
Both of them nod. “I’m sorry, Prongs. You know I just want what's best for you. But, I promise no more interfering like that.” Sirius says.
“Yes,” Lily begins, “I really am sorry as well. It wasn’t my place, and I hope everything works out with the person of yours.”
Sirius hums, “She’d be an idiot to let him go.”
Lily rolls her eyes, “Or, maybe they have a solid reason to do so.”
“Oh like what?” Sirius questions. “He’s everything that girls like, so why would anybody think to leave him?”
"Again, they'd probably have their reason to."
"All I'm saying is that this wouldn't have happened if you would've just stuck with James, or if you hadn't said yes all those months ago. I just want to know why."
Lily scoffs, “God, because I fancy a girl, Sirius! That’s why! Not because James isn’t kind or respectful, but because I can’t like him like how everyone wants me to. So please, stop with the snide remarks about it, I feel horrible enough.”
James watches as Lily angrily leaves the common room, leaving Sirius and James alone. Sirius shortly walks out after her, more than likely on his way to try and apologize, and James is left all by himself.
He knows he shouldn’t be angry at Lily or Sirius, it’s not like they knew what they were doing. But, James possibly ruined every chance that he had with Regulus, only to find out that she didn’t even want to ask him out, Sirius had simply begged her to.
So, yes, he’s a bit irritated, and he’s a bit angry when going out towards the Quidditch Pitch for the big game.
Though his temper does get better when he sees Regulus, looking absolutely mesmerizing.
He feels his jaw clench when he sees Crouch mess up Regulus’ hair, and his anger somehow gets even worse when he sees him kiss his hair tenderly.
James feels his vision go blurry with jealousy, as he tightens his grip on his broom, and he’s so close to breaking it out of frustration.