Chapter 10
Regulus is by himself for a while, to the point where he considers leaving. He decides against it simply because he thrives in the mere possibility of seeing James. He jumps when the front door opens rather aggressively, and James comes running in trying to catch his breath. Regulus can tell James left in a rush, considering he didn’t have his cloak or parchment.
“How are you doing?” James asks once he has his breath restored.
“Better.” Regulus responds, and he genuinely means it. Because he has been okay, but being with James has made him feel significantly better.
“Better now that you’re here.” Regulus adds, before he can regret it.
James' eyes flash with something Regulus can’t recognize, although Regulus quickly realizes that he desperately needs to try and stop pretending that the two would be anything other than friends.
“Really?” James asks.
Regulus nods, “I always feel better in the presence of friends.”
He needs to know for certain that it’s all they could ever be. He notices how James slightly grimaces at the word friend, just like how Regulus did the night before.
“Right. Friend.” James responds after taking a moment.
Regulus nods, as he pulls himself out of the depths of his mind, his brain a constant cycle of reminders of the fact that the two are only friends.
“Is that really all you want to be?” James asks softly.
No, Regulus wants to scream, I don't. But you don't get to ask me that .
He watches James get closer to him slowly. He follows him with his eyes, not wanting to see him out of his sight, not even for a second.
He looks into James’ eyes, when they're close enough.
“Dunno. Do you?” Regulus sounds different now, given their close proximity. He sounds improper, unlike Regulus’ usual posh way of speaking. He despises how James just needs to be near him in order for Regulus to forget every thought in his mind.
James’ eyes flicker down to his lips.
Oh.
Everything is different. Different in the way that Regulus wants it to be in. Different in the way that makes his skin crawl with excitement and desire.
James lifts his hand slowly, making sure Regulus can see it. He lifts it and traces the freckles scattered along his face, just like he did on Halloween. His other hand cradles the crown of his head, playing with a curl that’s out of place.
Regulus knows what’s coming next, he can feel it in his bones.
“I meant what I said on Halloween, Regulus. All of it. I didn’t forget what I said,” James begins softly, “I mean everything and more.” James is bringing his face closer to Regulus as he speaks. They’re so close that Regulus can feel his breath on his face, he can see every detail on his face.
He looks at James, taking advantage of their closeness. He looks at his glasses, and his eyes that are, unfortunately, closed behind them. He looks down at the few freckles on his face, his flushed, tan cheeks, down to his lips that are slightly parted, and getting closer to Regulus’ own.
Regulus closes his eyes, waiting. He can practically feel James’ lips on his own, that’s how close they are.
His eyes are still closed, waiting.
He feels cold air hit his lips, James pulling away.
That’s when Regulus opens his eyes, upset to see James’ face has backed away, his eyes wide, mouth slightly open.
“Fuck Reg,” James whispers, his eyes filled with with apology. “I’m sorry, fuck, I’m so sorry. it’s just- Lily. Me and her, we’re, um, we’re back together.”
Oh.
Oh.
Loving people, them leaving.
When are they going to stay?
Regulus feels his stomach drop. He feels so distant, like he’s not really in his body at the moment. His eyes burn, and everything is all of a sudden too small. But this time, there is absolutely no way he’s going to cry in front of James, he’s not going to cry over him at all. He’s never been so certain about anything.
“I’m so sorry, Regulus. I’m sorry.” James keeps on repeating, his hands burning the side of Regulus’ face where they reside. Regulus turns his head forcefully to get them off of him, wanting no part of them touching.
Regulus scoffs.“Fuck you Potter.” He barely manages to get the words out from his constricting chest, before he swiftly turns to leave their little universe in the astronomy tower.
Regulus has never felt stupider in his life. He’s such an idiot. He’s angry at himself for making such a big mistake. He’s even angrier at James for pulling him along with a string, only for James to cut it at the end. He throws open his bedroom door, surprised when he sees Barty sitting on a chair in the corner, reading. Evan’s still asleep, and the girls must’ve left.
“Are you still angry with me?” Regulus asks calmly.
“Depends,” Barty replies, flipping the page of his book, not even looking at Regulus. “Is Evan?”
“Barty, you were literally there.”
Barty hums, “Then no. I’m not.”
“I have a proposition for you.”
Barty looks at him, mischief in his gaze, “What is it?”
“I want you to help make someone jealous.”
“Is that so?” Barty questions, “Who?”
“I can’t tell you that, simply out of common decency. However, it is someone who’s never angry, it would be quite the sight to see them jealous.”
Barty grins wickedly, “Oh I am in.”
That night Regulus was finding it harder to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he was thrown back into the astronomy tower, standing in front of James.
He closes his eyes and James is breaking his heart.
He closes his eyes and he can feel James so close, just for him to pull away.
His mind keeps replaying every second of the situation, and won’t let him leave.
It will hurt less, he’s sure. But, for fucks sake. Why is the one person he’s ever been vulnerable towards, the same one who makes him want to never express any emotion ever again.
The next morning Barty and Regulus are making their way to the Great Hall for breakfast, the first time Regulus has been down there in days.
But, he meant it. He was not going to show James that he cared. He was not going to cry over him. Not after James had carefully taken down the walls Regulus had built up, only to make Regulus build them up twenty times higher, in the long run.
“Nothing too much, subtle things. No need making you a target in the common rooms.” Regulus reminds Barty as they sit down, “We start small and slowly work our way up.”
Regulus sits down and he avoids seeing James and Lily, the two of them a bit too close. He can feel James’ stare as soon as he has entered the Great Hall.
He doesn’t feel sad, he feels angry. If there’s one emotion Regulus is good at showing, it's anger. To Regulus, now, James simply does not exist.
You are such a fucking idiot, James kept thinking all the way back to the dorms. He kept repeating it all the way to his dorms, not even noticing he had finally made it to the portrait. As soon as he walked in, he found all of his friends sitting in the common room, as well as his girlfriend.
“Alright, Jamie?” Lily asked, James fighting the resistance to cringe.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m just exhausted, I’m going to go to bed.” James bids his farewells and heads to his bed. He honestly can’t believe any of it happened. Not only did he hurt Regulus, but he can’t believe he led him on like he did. Going up to him, tracing the beautiful freckles that dusted his skin, his lips barely a centimeter away from Regulus’ own.
But Lily. How could he just forget her? She hadn't crossed his mind, at that moment, it was just James and Regulus.
Just earlier that day, Lily had wanted to talk to him. He wasn’t expecting her to ask him out again. It felt the most sense to say yes, something that was expected of him. He wasn't even sure that Regulus liked him back, and he had felt so out of control recently. He wanted it to be right, he just wanted one thing to be right in his life.
But it’s clear that Lily isn’t that for James.
James headed straight for the shower, and as soon as the water hit James’ back, was when he allowed the tears to fall. He stayed there for a while like that, just crying.
When James’ tried to sleep, all he could think about was Regulus, and he was unable to stop.
The next morning, James walked with his friends to breakfast, trying to pretend he was doing alright. He was extremely surprised to actually see Regulus there, but was disheartened when he saw Crouch right next to him, the two sitting a bit too close for comfort.
He’s surprised to see Regulus having a good time. He’s laughing with his friends, telling stories, not even sparing James a glance.
And he looks so beautiful.
Lily sits next to him, and he immediately feels guilty. He knows in his heart that she doesn’t deserve him. Not when he’s looking at someone else, admiring their beauty.
“Are you okay James?” Mary asked from where she’s seated, across from Lily.
James nods and looks one final time at the Slytherin table, hoping that Regulus would look at him, just for a second. Crouch is running his hands through Regulus’ hair, while Regulus is playfully swatting at his hands, grinning like a mad man.
James has never disliked someone more than how he disliked Crouch in that moment. It’s a horrible feeling of intense hatred, making his chest hot and vision blurry.
James forces himself to look away, “Yeah I’m good.”
That Sunday passes excruciatingly slowly, there’s nothing for him to look forward to.
James feels like he did when Lily broke up with him, just so lost. Yet, it’s worse now, and James isn’t sure why. But it feels like he has just lost something magnificent, causing him to feel like he’s missing a piece of himself.
He sits down for breakfast with his friends Monday morning, before Lily has even made it in yet. Her and Mary are the last to arrive, Lily immediately giving James a kiss on the cheek.
Sirius whistles at them, nudging Moony, “Look at him! He’s back at it!” James was expecting a bit of a reaction from Sirius, seeing as Sirius had always wanted the best for James and always wanted James and Lily to be together. So James is relieved that a few whistles is all he gets.
That is, until Sirius stands on his table, pointing his wand at his neck, muttering Sonorous, amplifying his voice, and yelling at the entire Great Hall. “Students! Professors! James and Lily, Hogwarts’ beloved couple, are finally back together! Everybody clap for the two soulmates!”
For some bloody reason, most people do.
James’ first thought isn’t playing into this big display, he immediately begins slightly looking to see where Regulus was sitting.
He sees him slip off, but not before he sees his eyes glazed over and red.
James just has to let him leave, even if his mind is screaming at him to go.