Chapter 9
James honestly might be the biggest idiot in the entire world.
Here he was, meeting up with Sirius’ brother every night, one of his best friends' supposed enemies. To add fuel to the fire, James was slowly developing a slight obsession with him.
It was a very platonic obsession, to be clear. However, every now and then James would look at Regulus and for a second James’ eyes would flicker to his lips, causing him to wonder what it would be like to kiss them. Every now and then, James would wonder how it’d feel to kiss every freckle on his body. The ones all over his face, on his hands, wherever they were, James wanted to kiss them.
But surely, that was platonic. Right?
Yet, as soon as James reminded Regulus of their status that night - in hope of receiving reassurance about where they stood- he was surprised to see disappointment heavy in Regulus’s features. He was surprised to feel it so deeply.
When Regulus had run off, James was left to deal with his disorderly feelings for Regulus, and just his feelings in general.
He had never liked a guy before, but now he knew he definitely did. He had always toyed around with the idea, although he was never quite sure about it. But for some reason at that moment, when he felt disappointed to be just Regulus’ friend, everything just made so much sense. That moment was like the one puzzle piece that James needed.
So that’s why James was always in absolute awe of Frank Longbottom when he was their Quidditch captain, and James just couldn’t stop staring at him.
That’s the reason James couldn’t stop turning red when Remus used to help him with his essay, by standing over his shoulder, their faces right next to each other.
So his platonic obsession wasn’t so platonic, even if now it all seems to be so obvious that it never was.
And yes, now, he absolutely regrets calling Regulus his friend, now that he knows that he wants to be more than that.
He was an idiot.
He audibly groans after thinking through the madness that were his thoughts. He strongly dislikes how his life has been recently. It’s some tortuous cycle of feeling like he’s doing wrong.
He feels wrong in every instance of his life, even in Quidditch. Quidditch is the one thing James will love forever, so feeling like he’s doing it all wrong was unbearable.
The only thing he feels is right in his life is Regulus. Even if James knows that he’s technically the one wrong thing in his life. Well, not wrong to him. Just wrong in a bunch of situations, in general.
In society’s standards it was wrong, for some idiotic reason that James didn’t really understand.
In Sirius’ mind it was wrong, because obviously.
His friends, his classmates, it seemed like everyone would look down on them, for all different reasons.
But, did it really matter? If Regulus wanted to be with James, then nobody else mattered. If the two decided to go out, then that’s their business, their life, their right to do so.
Forget everyone else, they won’t stop James from being happy.
The next morning James had woken up feeling very refreshed. He kept thinking that maybe, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to tell Regulus how he felt. He was ready for his day out with his friends, but every second he kept on thinking about Regulus.
He was getting ready for Hogsmeade thinking about him.
About when he could see him again, about confessing to him, about kissing his lips, his neck, his-
“Prongs!” Sirius shouts, causing James to immediately snap back to reality.
“Yeah?”
“Crikey, finally!” Sirius rolls his eyes, “You were too lost in thought to realize I’ve been calling you for bloody ten minutes!”
James rolls his eyes back at the blatant exaggeration, “My bad.”
“Now which one?” Sirius holds out two different shirts.
“Right one.” James responds.
“Brilliant. Think it’ll get me laid?”
James snorts, “With Moony? You, of all people, hardly need to try.” Sirius gave him a cheeky grin, one that always made James laugh.
James decides it’s better to temporarily push these feelings of Regulus back, putting all his attention to his friends while they were finally all together going to Hogsmeade. More specifically they were on the way to the Three Broomsticks, Peter and James walking behind Remus and Sirius.
As soon as they walked in, there she was. James’ friends had walked ahead of him to get a table, but he didn’t care. He was too busy observing her.
Her flaming locks, and beautiful emerald eyes that always captivated James.
He didn’t feel as captivated as he’s been before, yet still a bit enchanted by them. Except now, it may just be the effect that Lily normally has on people, not quite in a romantic way anymore.
She looks at James, causing him to give her a slight nod, one that she returns.
James could see Sirius going up to her asking a question. She thinks it over for a few moments, before turning to her friends, presumably asking for advice.
James has no clue what was said, but either way Lily was soon agreeing to whatever Sirius had told her.
All James could feel was an intense drop of his stomach that soon settled in the pit of his stomach. Whatever it was that Sirius did, it was causing Lily to pack up her things and leave.
Lily was inching closer to where James was standing by the door.
“Jamie,” Lily began, “Can we talk?”
Regulus wakes up that morning, guilt heavy on his conscience. He feels horrible for talking to Evan like he did, especially when Evan is the kindest out of all of them. He crawls out of bed, disappointed to see that the room is empty, the two probably at Hogsmeade with Pandora and Dorcas. He’s not even mad at them for it, he honestly deserves it.
He doesn’t have anything to do, and he feels incredibly lonely. He likes to be alone, he’s known that for a while. But being alone feels a lot different when you were the one who pushed them away.
He feels like he is stuck on an endless loop of love and loss.
Loving people, them leaving.
Loving people, pushing it away.
Loving things, taken away from him.
He needs to find himself, he knows this.
But he doesn’t know how.
Regulus decides that today will be the day. The day where he gets better. It’s a long road, but what better time to start than the present?
Regulus sits for about an hour, not even knowing where to start. He groans and gives up eventually, deciding to read. He can’t remember the last time that he read on his own, so he reckons it counts. Except, he keeps reading the same page over and over again, not able to concentrate.
Once again he groans and shuts the book, frustrated. He looks around his room, wanting to just do something, because he’s about two seconds away from just going back to sleep.
He’s nearing his bed, when he sees it. His old sketchbook from when he was a kid. His drawings were never good, but it was something he enjoyed doing. Until one time during Regulus’ fourth year, Sirius took it from his bag in the corridors and laughed at it with his friends, probably trying to impress them. He can remember that even his friends were upset with Sirius, Lupin actually pulling him away.
Regulus was so angry at him, and it was the first time Sirius had actually disappointed him. He never drew in it again after that, but he kept it because it was actually a gift from Pandora from during their first year.
Despite his internal oath to never draw again, he does just that. He draws whatever he feels, even if it doesn’t look very pretty. He turns the page, wanting to do more, lost in it all. This time he finds himself drawing Superman, and even though it looks horrendous, Regulus smiles at the memory of Halloween morning, when James walked in.
Regulus shuns himself for being so pathetic, thinking of the night before, and decides against any more drawing.
Regulus spends the next few hours doing a variety of things. He eats, writes, cleans, listens to some of Barty’s silly music. His favorite thing he decides to do is simply walk. Almost everyone is gone at Hogsmeade, so the castle is fairly empty.
However, he likes the outside more. It’s chilly, Regulus’ favorite weather, and it’s very peaceful. He walks towards the Greenhouses, before deciding to just wander around.
Somehow, he finds himself nearing the lake, he’s not sure if it's allowed, but it’s helping him silence his thoughts so he doesn’t really care. He stands around, basking in the silence.
-
As he gets back, he realizes he feels a lot more content, less chaotic. When he walks into his room, he sees all of his friends scattered around his room. Just seeing them all together makes him feel terrible for how he’s treated them the last couple days.
Regulus pulls his hands down his face, “Listen, I fucked up. Evan, I am- I’m sorry for talking to you how I did. All of you, I-I’m sorry, you all don’t deserve it.”
Barty looks at him exasperated, “Just tell us Regulus, whatever it is that’s making you feel bad.”
Regulus wants to tell them everything, he truly does. He would love to tell his friends about everything that has been making him upset the past couple days.
Yet for whatever reason, he can’t bring himself to actually do it, even though it’s eating him up inside. So, he tells them that it’s his brother, which isn’t necessarily a lie, he is upset more than usual about him.
Dorcas sighs, “Regulus, dear, tell us next time, yeah?”
He nods, knowing he probably won’t.
The five of them feel better, a heavy cloud seeming to dissipate after Regulus’ apology. They look to be on their way to normality, their night filled with laughter and drinking, which only Evan and Pandora took part in.
It didn’t take long for Evan and Pandora to be passed out, both of them sharing a bed.
Regulus was just simply reading, Barty in the shower, when Dorcas came and sat next to him.
“I know it wasn’t your brother who made you sad,” she whispered, “You don’t have to tell me, but I’m here for you if you decide to. I don’t think you should keep it in.”
He looked into her eyes, and told her all of it. Every detail, everything.
He felt one hundred times better as soon as he finished, and Dorcas being an absolute angel she is, never once scrutinized him for making stupid decisions, or made him feel bad for not telling him earlier.
She simply pulled him in for a side hug and told him, “You are just all about trouble, aren’t you Black?”
“When am I not, Meadowes?”
Dorcas snorted, “I presume you’re just itching to see him again, aren’t you?”
“Is it really worth it if I want more than he’s willing to offer?” Regulus put his head on her shoulder.
“If he’s the same one who’s been making you happy, then yeah. Absolutely. He might only be your friend, but you have to respect that. Truthfully he’s not obligated to like you the same way you like him. Even if he’s just missing out on the best thing.”
Regulus knows she’s right, James is not required to like Regulus at all. It’s something Regulus will just simply have to accept.
He sighed, turning his head to look at Dorcas, “Yeah?”
Dorcas looked at him with a small, almost sad, smile, “Yeah.”
Regulus could do nothing except nod, before getting up to see James, hoping to find some stability in his life. Some stability that James always had to offer Regulus.