Chapter 8
Regulus had left that night, needing some time to recuperate. He didn’t see James at all the next day, and he wondered if he should’ve stayed. He didn’t see him the day after that either, although too many things were on his mind to really think about James.
It was Sirius’ birthday, and Regulus always hated the day. He hated watching his friends sing him Happy Birthday. He hated hearing about the fun they always had on that day.
So, he always avoided it, to the best of his abilities. He always, including today, holed himself up in his room, claiming to do ‘homework’ and forced his friends to leave him alone. They respected his wishes, gave him food and space, which is more than he could ask for.
And he always avoided talking about Sirius the whole day, but that didn’t mean he didn’t rummage around his room looking for the very few pictures left in Grimmauld Place.
One was a beautiful picture, probably taken by Andy. It was a picture from when Regulus was an itty bitty baby, Sirius holding him on the couch. Obviously Sirius was sitting in Narcissa’s lap, seeing as Sirius was only a little over a year old. But once again, Sirius is looking down at Regulus as if nobody else matters, a look that Regulus saw so few of over the past few years. He looks at it a bit longer than he should, before finally moving on to the next one.
The next one is one of the two of them fighting, both much older in age, yet still very young, Regulus maybe around 7. It was a rather tame fight, mostly just the two arguing. It is a moving picture, so the next second Regulus is suddenly wrestling Sirius. This one makes Regulus laugh every time he sees it, he doesn’t even remember what they were fighting about, the two did it too often.
The last one is Regulus’ favorite. It’s one of the ones Regulus doesn’t wish to share with anybody, and he can remember every single part of this day. Regulus was around 6 years old, Sirius around 7. Sirius was always falling off of things, bumping into walls, things like that. The day in the picture, Sirius had successfully climbed this huge tree in their backyard. He loved to climb trees, although every single time he always seemed to forget his fear of heights.
Regulus remembers standing at the bottom, reassuring Sirius, telling him that it was alright to come down. Sirius was crying his eyes out, although he always denied that detail happened. He was crying, begging Regulus to catch him, and crying harder when Regulus said no. The two were never allowed to cry, mother and father punishing them when they did. This made Regulus terrified, trying his hardest to get Sirius to calm down, not wanting to see him in any trouble.
“I’m not strong enough!” Regulus had shouted up at him, trying to get Sirius to see.
“You’re plenty strong Reggie!” Sirius shouted down, his voice raspy from his sobs.
Regulus sighed, “Not strong enough to catch you! I’ll just fix you up if you get hurt! Jump down!”
Sirius had jumped, and he had gotten hurt. But, Regulus was there to fix him up. He had led him to the bathroom, and placed bandaids on the cuts littering his body, when suddenly Andy had caught the two without them knowing and had snapped a picture.
This was not the last time Regulus would be fixing Sirius’ injuries, but it was probably the last time that Sirius had fully cared. He tried so hard to protect Sirius from their parents, but even Regulus knew that he didn’t do enough.
By the time Regulus has finished reliving the memory, he finds that he has been crying slightly. He’ll always be upset that he doesn’t have more photos, but the very few other ones that Regulus knows exist have probably been burned once Sirius left. He can’t even bring them back to Grimmauld, and once Sirius left, Regulus and Pandora formed an unspoken agreement. Pandora would find them laying on his bedside table before every summer, she’d take them home for him, and then they’d pop up in his dorm once term started. He loved her for it, and even though they never spoke about it, he was grateful for her kind gesture.
He lays back down on his bed, hoping to get some sleep. But he just keeps thinking.
He can’t help but think about all the shit that went down when Sirius left. How he had to watch Sirius leave, how he never asked if Regulus would go with him. That’s the worst part for Regulus. He doesn’t know if he’d go with him, but it’s the fact that Sirius never bothered to ask him to go. Every time he tries to think about anything, it circles back to Sirius. And it’s something Regulus knows won’t go away until they talk again, which is something that will never happen, so Regulus might as well learn how to cope.
He thinks he has it figured out in terms of Sirius, the both of them are living, one of them is better in a new place. Another one is left behind to deal with the wrath of their parents. Sirius doesn’t know it, or maybe he does, but -surprise- Regulus does not get treated better than Sirius. In fact, it’s worse now that Sirius is gone. They hold him to such a high standard, forcing him to be someone he isn’t. They want him to be Sirius, in some odd, messed up way. They want him to be social, well liked, flirty, charming; all things that Regulus isn’t, yet all of them Sirius is.
So yes, Sirius, Regulus thinks, you weren’t completely hated. You were hated, but never completely. Regulus feels fully hated constantly, his parents never thinking he’s good enough.
He can remember the first event he had to go to as the new Black family heir. He hadn’t talked to anybody, and the one person he did talk to didn’t understand he was being sarcastic half the time, so they went to go complain to his parents. He was struck horribly that night by both mother and father, the two throwing curses and various objects at him, even some Unforgivable Curses. And he was all alone, taking care of himself.
That’s when he realized that he wasn’t what his parents were looking for, and he never would be.
He barely makes it through the next day, running on very little sleep. None of his friends talk about Sirius or his birthday, but they do show their support and love from afar. For example, they do any assignments that Regulus is missing. They will sit in silence with him, and they’ll read with him, or pretend to at least. Usually the night after Sirius’ birthday, Dorcas and Pandora will come over and pamper Regulus, as if he was in a spa. Then when they’d leave, Barty and Evan will lay with him just for the night.
He has them, and that’s what he’ll always hold onto.
When Regulus wakes up next to Barty and Evan, and a softer face, he is surprisingly feeling much better. He always feels better with his friends by his side, even if that statement makes him slightly nauseous. He gets up carefully and he takes one look at the two occupying his bed. Barty is invading all of Evan’s personal space, while Evan is unbothered. It makes Regulus laugh at the two, inseparable even during sleep.
Barty and Evan were instant friends, and when Regulus became friends with the two, he often felt left out. It might’ve been because they were young, but Evan just always seemed to look up to Barty in a way. Maybe admiration, maybe more. But in recent years, Barty has been looking at Evan as if his opinion is the only one that matters.
Regulus sighs and decides to start his morning, ready for whatever the day has to offer.
He meets Dorcas at the Quidditch pitch for practice, even though he’s dreading it.
“Alright, Regulus dear?” Dorcas asks, another way of showing she cares.
“Better than ever Meadowes.”
“Prepare not to be,” Dorcas rolls her eyes, “Mulciber is quite angry with Gryffindor for rescheduling the match so that they can play Hufflepuff. So instead of us playing Ravenclaw this weekend, somehow he convinced the professors, and the Gryffindor team to let us play against them at the end of November.”
“For fucks sake,” Regulus throws his head back dramatically, “Why can’t he be normal?”
“Bit rich coming from you, eh Black?” Mulciber suddenly says from behind him and Dorcas, looking to start a fight.
“For fucks sake," Regulus mutters, "Do you want to win against Gryffindor, Mulciber?” Regulus questions, cocking an eyebrow.
Mulciber scoffs, as if Regulus was stupid, “Obviously.”
“Right well, I suggest you keep your mouth shut,” Regulus gets closer to Mulciber, hoping he comes across as more threatening than he feels. “Because I will not hesitate to blow this match for you.”
Mulciber grits his teeth, “Please. We don’t need you Black.”
“Oh, but I’m almost certain that you do. Because you’d lose two essential players on your team,” He gestures at Dorcas, and she nods in agreement, giving him his full support, “And then, I’ll seek out the Gryffindor team, more specifically their captain, and give them every single Slytherin secret that you have. Your call Mulciber.” Regulus finishes, sounding almost bored.
He watches Mulciber swallow whatever words he was going to say, and turn to leave. Regulus forces himself to contain himself, even though he desperately wants to laugh loudly.
His day runs smoothly, and he’d actually consider it a pretty good one.
That night he goes to the astronomy tower waiting for James, even though he hasn’t been there in a few days. He’s a bit surprised to see him already there, sitting on the bench looking at the door, like he’s waiting for someone. It’s a bit heartwarming to Regulus, when he realizes he’s the one James is waiting for.
James smiles, although it’s missing a bit of warmth. “Regulus.”
“Hello.” Regulus replies, noticing that something is different, yet he still closes the door behind him
James sighs, “We should probably talk.”
He remembers now how their last conversation went. He feels horrible actually, seeing as James had confessed some very personal things, and Regulus had just left him there.
Regulus grimaces, “Oh shit, I’m really sorry. About Halloween. That was a fucked up thing for me to do. I shouldn’t have left you there, but I needed some time alone to think-”
James furrows his brow and interrupts him softly, “Not about that. I didn't mind.”
Oh.” Regulus replies, smiling from relief. “I’m so glad.”
Regulus can’t help but laugh lightly, “Thank god. I was having such a good day, and I was scared that it would’ve been over.”
“Why would it have been over?” James asks.
“Well I was scared that you wouldn’t want-” he slightly grimaces, “That you wouldn’t want to see me anymore. I was nervous that you were upset with me.”
“I don’t think I could ever be upset with you.” James says softly, and Regulus feels himself grin against his will, and much to James’ delight.
“I don’t think I’d manage you being upset with me.” Regulus confesses, and he knows that later he’ll hate himself for being all soft and stupid. But for now, he’s happy. He’s happy with himself for telling James a piece of how he feels.
James grins at him, “You really are a good friend, Reg.”
Regulus winces, hating how the word friend rolls off James' mouth. He can't believe that he even thought James felt the same way. Merlin, he was such a fucking idiot, and Regulus wants to curl up within himself. There he goes again, getting too far deep in a fantasy he created, only for him to get harshly launched back into reality.
It was good, in all honesty, it was fine. At least he knows now that there's nothing between them, and he can stop dreaming.
But did it have to be so bloody upsetting?
He clears his throat, “Right yeah.” Regulus can’t bring himself to look James in the eye, or look at him at all as he makes his way out, “I should go, actually.”
“Oh, you don’t have-” James begins, but Regulus doesn’t let him finish, as he closes the door behind him and books it to his dorm.
He probably looks like a fool, running through the castle like he's being chased; luckily, nobody manages to catch him seeing as it's after curfew. He makes it to his room, and he puts his hands on his knees in order to catch his breath. He looks up, and he finds Barty and Evan staring at him, confused.
“Fucking hell, I just can't get a break here, huh?” Regulus groans under his breath, directed at the universe.
“Alright there?” Evan asks with uncertainty heavy in his voice.
Regulus laughs coldly, “Yeah, Ev, I’m bloody excellent at the moment.” Regulus says, still giggling.
Evan looks at him sideways, “I don’t think you are.”
Regulus groans, “Merlin, no shit Evan. Here I thought you were the smart one.”
Barty stands up, quick to defend Evan, “Piss off Regulus. No need to attack Evan just because you’re angry.”
Regulus scoffs, but he knows that they’re right. So, even if it physically pains him to do so, he walks away. He moves on.
Barty looks at him confused, “Oi! You’re not going to tell us what’s going on?”
“Absolutely not.” Regulus says coldly, before grabbing a change of clothes and getting into his bed. He feels horrible, but he’s too consumed in his thoughts to dwell on it.