Chapter 6
He gets up to go back to James’ bed, and winds up awkwardly standing in front of the bed, in front of James.
“Alright?” James asks, voice back to its usual calmness.
“Are you? He can be a bit much sometimes.”
James snorts, “Understatement of the century. He definitely can be, but I love him for it, you know?”
“No, I don’t,” Regulus scoffs, “You kinda took him from me before I could find out.” Regulus is joking, but there also is a bit of truth to it.
“Reg, you can’t-” James begins, but Regulus can’t bear to sit through some lecture from someone who wouldn’t understand.
“I was kidding.”
There’s a few beats of silence, neither of them knowing what to do. Regulus goes to sit in the middle of his bed, the two watching each other.
“We’re throwing a Halloween party soon. You should come.”
Regulus dismisses the idea immediately, “You know that’s impossible.”
“It doesn’t have to be. C’mon Reg, Sirius will be pissed within the first ten minutes, he probably wouldn’t even see you.”
“Please, with the Gryffindor loyalty, everybody would be lining up to tell him the moment he was sober.”
James looks at him, right in his eyes, “He loves you. He’d love to see you again.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Oh piss off, Potter. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t I? Not like I haven’t lived with him for the past 7 years or anything.”
“Still got you beat by three,” Regulus’s jaw clenched, “He was my brother first, do you just forget that?”
“Right, well he’s not yours anymore. You’ve made sure that could never happen.”
“Yes, I forget just how many times he has made an effort to get to know me. Tell me, Potter, since you know him so well, when has he ever tried to be my brother?” Regulus asks coldly.
“He made an effort in that house, I know that much.” James answers, his voice sounding cold, unusual for James.
“He did, and then he met you. Then he just couldn’t wait to make sure you two were inseparable, leaving me behind.”
“What, and you think he should’ve stayed?”
Regulus laughed in frustration, “For fucks sake, Potter. You don’t understand, and be thankful that you never will.” Regulus is forcing himself to calm down, feeling the slithering tightness in his chest, his heart beating faster, as it usually does when fighting occurs.
James takes a deep breath, “I know, I’m not claiming to know the full extent of what happened in that house. However, I was here for Sirius, through all of the scars, the tears, the stories-”
“I know that!” Regulus can feel the anger bubble, the sudden urge to fully go at it with James, and it scares him. He doesn’t want to start something that he knows he won’t be able to finish, he knows his tendency to panic when people start fighting with him, yet he still keeps pushing.
“Jesus, I know that! Do you think it just slipped my mind?” Regulus covers his eyes and puts his head between his knees, “I know you were here for him, when I wasn’t. I’m mad at myself for it too. I wish, with everything in me, that I could’ve been the one taking care of my big brother instead of you. Do you think I had a choice? Do you think I would’ve chosen this ?” Regulus can’t recognize his own voice, and he is horrified to find it’s because he was crying.
“Fuck, Regulus, this wasn’t what I was trying to do. Can I give you a hug?”
“I’d prefer you not to.” Regulus whispers.
“Okay. I’m sorry, I should’ve listened when you told me to leave it alone. I am so sorry.”
Regulus can’t even respond, feeling so foolish for allowing somebody to see him so low.
“It’s okay.” Regulus wipes his eyes, “I think I’m going to go to sleep, is that alright?”
James nods, “Yeah of course, Regulus. You don’t have to ask.”
Regulus wakes up later, only to find it’s completely dark outside. He turns and finds James sleeping peacefully.
Regulus doesn’t think he has ever seen anything or anybody so beautiful. Which is extremely unfair, considering the fact that he had just made Regulus so irritated to the point he cried.
He shouldn’t even entertain the idea of liking James, knowing he is in love with Lily, but it’s impossible not to. It makes Regulus imagine impossible situations, like what their future would be like.
Regulus immediately shuts that one down, not wanting to even think about something he can never obtain.
However, that doesn’t stop the idea from entering his mind every second that he’s lying there next to James, because honestly that’s one of the things Regulus is best at–envisioning hopeless scenarios that only leave him more hurt.
He doesn’t have a long time to think anyways seeing as James wakes up maybe two minutes later.
“How are you doing, Regulus?”
Regulus clears his throat, “Better, I think. Do you mind if I use your shower?”
“Yeah of course. Don’t worry about the others, by the way. They came in when you were sleeping, and I told them I needed a bit of a break, so they grabbed what they needed and split for the night.”
Regulus feels a bit bad for kicking them out of their own room, “I feel like I shouldn’t separate you from your friends.”
“Please, it is kind of a much needed break.”
“Right, well is it possible I get a different change of clothes, for when I get out?”
“For sure, my dear,” James says with a playful smile, getting up to do just that.
Regulus spends his shower trying not to think, which is counter productive, only causing him to think more. His only thought at the moment was water, for some reason.
He loves everything to do with water, he loves standing outside during a storm, rain strumming on his back. He loves the sound of waves crashing on the shore, he loved it when–on the very rare visits to the beach–Sirius taught him how to be brave, teaching him how to float when Regulus was too scared to try and swim.
He loved all things water, but not as much anymore. He associated water with all things Sirius, as they really do share similar qualities. They were both so freeing, soothing, and comforting. But only until they suddenly turn violent, forceful, pulling you until you drown.
So safe to say he never found as much joy in it when Sirius distanced himself, and he found he never could enjoy bodies of water when he fully left. He loved showers and rain, however, that was his exception.
Rain and showers reminded him a lot of himself. Clinging to everything it touches. He is alike in the way people seem to enjoy it more once it’s over, or before it even starts. The way most people always say how much they like rain, until it gets joined by lightning and thunder, making them scared.
After a while, he finally got out, joining James back in his room. Although James was staring at the wall, seemingly lost in a train of thought.
“Where do they go?” Regulus asked curiously.
James snapped his eyes back to Regulus, “Hm?”
“Your friends. You said they go to some other place to sleep. Where?”
“Depends. They just find someone to room with. Sometimes, they’ll sleep in the common rooms, sometimes with other friends. I used to be able to sneak into Lily’s dorm, and slept there. Obviously, not really an option anymore.”
The look on his face was rather disheartening, it was obvious that there was so much he was hiding, so much Regulus wanted to be revealed.
“Are you doing alright?” Regulus asked before he could stop himself.
“I’m fine. Honestly.” James responded quickly, as if it was pure reflex.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” James only nods in response, not holding eye contact with Regulus.
“Well, that's not really fair.” Regulus sighs, going to sit on the chest at the end of his bed.
“Fair? What do you mean?”
“Is it really fair to yourself to deny any negative feelings that you have?”
“I’m not denying anything!” James replied defensively.
“Right. So, you’re just okay with the fact that you got broken up with? With the girl that everyone knows you swore off forever to?” Regulus goes to sit next to James, desperate to get him to open up. He doesn’t know where his eagerness to help James came from, maybe distraction, maybe a thank you to James for helping him. “Who do you talk to?” Regulus pushes, and honestly that must be some sort of Black family trait because he has no plan on stopping, “It’s no secret how much you give out help, but who do you get it from, James?”
James’ eyes instantly fill with tears, and for a second Regulus wonders if he may have pushed too far.
“Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know.” James covers his eyes, and keeps repeating this over and over, and Regulus can just tell that James needs to get it off his chest. He can see that James never really talked to anybody about his troubles, and the effect it has on James is so obvious now. All he can think about is how nobody seemed to notice. Were they seeing it? Did they choose to ignore it? Why would they choose to do that?
“It’ll be alright,” Regulus sits next to James and carefully removes James’ hands from his eyes, “Is this alright?” he asks, not wanting to overstep.
“Everything you do is alright, Regulus.” James says softly, “I’d tell you if it wasn’t, I promise.”
Regulus nods, and takes James’s hands into his own, looking into his eyes.
“I’m here for you, as you are for me. I’m not usually much help, but I can make an exception. There’s always an exception for you. So, talk to me and let me listen.”
He can see James’s lip tremble slightly, and how James bites down on it to prevent it from happening again.
For a moment, Regulus can see why his friends pretend James’ sadness doesn’t exist. He doesn’t like it, or agree with them doing it, but he can understand why.
It truly is the worst thing to see James so devastated.
However, Regulus is going to be different. He’d much rather be there for James and take care of him, even if he doesn’t know how to. He’d try his hardest for James, if it meant he was able to see some of the weight lifted off of his shoulders.
“You know it’s been years, probably, that someone other than my parents has asked twice. If I’m doing okay, I mean. I think that’s all I really wanted. When Lily broke up with me, that was my lowest. And it really did hurt when everybody believed me when I said I was fine. And god did it hurt when Lily broke up with me. I can’t even be mad at her for it because it was a fucking good reason to leave. ‘To find myself’ she said,” James scoffs at the thought.
“I just want to make people feel better, and letting them know that I’m hurting makes them feel worse. Regulus, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing either. I keep pretending that I do, but I don’t know how to keep this up."
James keeps crying, and Regulus’s heart is breaking by the second. He puts his arms around James, letting his tears stain Regulus’s shirt.
“I know. I know, James. I wish I could take it all away, but I can’t. But, you can’t keep it all in until you eventually break. You can’t be doing all these things for other people without helping yourself first.”
The two stay like that for a while, which neither of them really mind. They have lost all track of time, to the point where Regulus can see the moon coming down from its peak. In any other situation, Regulus would be rushing towards the door, but now he can’t find himself leaving or even wanting to leave.
“Regulus,” James begins some time later, his voice all soft, eyes dry, “I don’t want you to feel bad for me and say yes. But, I love Halloween, and I understand you don’t want to go to the party, I respect that. But I would love to see you that night. Can we meet at the astronomy tower that night?”
How is Regulus even supposed to say no to that?
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be there.” Regulus smiles at him, thriving in the one he receives from James.