Chapter 5
Regulus Black was a complete idiot.
He was so stupid to think that there would be a place for him after his brother made new friends. After he had a boyfriend. After he gained a brother. After he gained new parents.
Regulus was so stupid to think that Sirius would ask Regulus to go with him that night he left.
He was an idiot when he believed Snape truly would keep his mouth shut.
He was an idiot when he was oversharing on the astronomy tower to James Potter.
He was still an idiot when he was walking directly in front of James on the way to the room that James and his estranged brother shared.
That’s a bit of the reason why Regulus decided to go there anyway. He wanted to be able to see just how much Sirius had actually changed, and just how much Regulus had missed out on. Like, for example, how Sirus liked guys as well.
He remembered how he felt when he discovered his brother was gay- not from Sirius, but instead he found out alongside everyone in Hogwarts through a massive show of his affection- because for a moment he didn’t feel so alone.
Obviously, he didn’t have his brother anymore, so it wasn’t long before he was hit with reality. Regulus had amazing friends, four of them to be exact. They supported him through everything, and they still do, but he wanted his brother back.
He didn’t want him anymore, obviously, he hated him.
He hated how he had a found family. He hated how confident he was. How he dressed in what he wanted, he hated how people praised him, he hated him for loads of things.
“Potter, if you keep stepping on the backs of my shoes, I am not kidding I will chop your bollocks off.” Regulus whispered harshly at James, getting thrown out of his train of thought.
James Potter was the bane of Regulus’s existence. James Potter was the brother Sirius loved more. Who Regulus always had to hear about when Sirius came home. James Potter was the boy who would always be better than him.
Regulus can remember when Sirius didn’t come home for the holidays, spending it at the Potters. Regulus was so disappointed that he’d cried every night of his break. He wanted his brother, yet Sirius only cared for his other one.
So, yes. Regulus hated James as well.
He hated how James weaseled his way into Regulus’s life, causing Regulus to pay attention to him. He hated how he noticed James’s smile. He hated that he enjoyed seeing it so often. He hated his messy hair, and his wish to run his fingers through it. He hated it, but to the point where he began to have a soft spot reserved just for James Potter, to the point where Regulus just knew he liked James, knew that he trusted him.
When the two of them were about 50 feet away, James decided to get out from under the cloak. “Follow me, and keep quiet, no remarks about how it looks until we are in my dorm, alright?” “Bubbly Bug.” James said to the portrait, causing Regulus to grin in amusement, thankful for his invisibility.
The dorms were very homey, very red, and very Gryffindor. Regulus didn't necessarily enjoy it, but it was unexpectedly comforting.
“So?” James questions as they make it to his dorm, “What do you think?”
“It’s what I expected.” Regulus replied dryly, taking off the cloak as carefully as he could.
“Right, you must be tired. Here,” James leads Regulus to hopefully his bed, “This one is mine. Lay here, and I will be right back.”
James quickly runs off, returning very shortly with a change of clothes, “Here, you can change into these while I go get something.”
Regulus looks up at James with his eyebrows furrowed, “Now where are you going?”
“To get you food. I’ll swing by the kitchens, so you can have something to eat when you wake up.” James grins before nudging Regulus towards the direction of the bed, making him sit on top of it.
“What if someone comes in here?” Regulus asked, anxiety bubbling in his chest.
“Remus would murder Sirius if he skipped any of his lessons today, and Remus and Peter actually pay attention in class.” James reassures Regulus, “Look I have another secret for you, and it might help reassure you.”
Regulus watches James go through his bedside drawer, pulling out a piece of parchment.
“This is my second pride and joy, our beautiful creation. Handcrafted. Lots of blood, sweat, and tears-"
“Oh, get on with it,” Regulus interrupts, feeling slightly amused, “It’s a piece of parchment.”
“No, no, no. More than that. It’s a map. Look, I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good,” James sits next to Regulus, giving him a clear view of the parchment, and Regulus watches as it comes to life. James opens it, and the map is displaying every room in Hogwarts, and where every person in Hogwarts was, including the professors.
“This is brilliant,” Regulus says breathlessly, because truly this kind of magic was remarkable.
“Thank you, thank you,” James stands up picking up the cloak, “Anyways, hide in here, study the map, and if anybody comes… I’m sure you’ll come up with something. Off I pop.”
The absolute first thing Regulus does is change into the clothes he was handed, a band shirt and striped pajama bottoms. The very next thing he does is snoop around a bit, one hand holding the map, looking if someone’s near him every ten seconds.
He goes through the bookshelves, looking to judge what books are around, only to find that he approves of nearly all of them, meaning it's probably Lupin’s. Regulus actually finds his favorite book hidden deep in there, Sense and Sensibility, a classic. Regulus brings it down, hoping to maybe read a bit, yet when he opens the page he notices the small writing on the title page, hidden in the lower corner.
It’s tiny, barely noticeable, yet so clearly his brother's messy writing.
Dedicated to Regulus
Regulus is almost brought to tears. He flips through the book, only to find each page filled with an annotation. Quotes that are underlined, writing on the sides when he felt it resonated, some of them having to do with Regulus. It was something Regulus never expected from Sirius, which makes him wonder why. It makes him wish that he could walk right in here one day and just ask him and receive an answer.
Regulus puts the book back and checks the map, seeing James is still in the kitchens. He looks around, looking at the state of the room as a whole, very chaotic. He notices how a bedside table is wide open, objects sprawled outside of it, as if someone was in a hurry to look for something. He honestly isn’t going to look inside, because that would probably be a bit intrusive. Except nothing matters when he sees the second thing that makes him want to sob.
It’s an old picture, one of the only ones of just Regulus and Sirius, Regulus must be only three or four in it. Sirius is smiling towards the camera, and Regulus is looking up at him as if he’s his whole world, and at the time he honestly was. It’s a moving picture and when it moves, Regulus starts giggling and Sirius looks down at him with such a sincere fondness it makes his heart hurt. Regulus feels tears threatening to fall, so he places it exactly where he found it, and decides against anymore snooping.
A few minutes later, Regulus is laying in James’s bed when James finally gets back, his arms full of food.
“Oh goodie, you’re still awake. I’m absolutely certain that you are hungry, but I don’t know what you actually like, so I brought lots of everything.” James sits everything down on the bed, a wide assortment of food. “I figured I'd lay here with you, if that’s alright? I may take a nap, but just in case one of the boys come in here, I can help or-”
“It’s fine, Potter, I don’t care.”
“Are you completely sure? I don’t want to invade your space.”
Regulus smiles softly at him, appreciative of his concern, “It’s fine. Honestly.”
James beams at Regulus, “Eat up, then rest. Or do the opposite, whatever’s better.”
“I’m too tired to eat,” Regulus sighs as he lays down on the bed, getting comfortable.
James carefully puts the food on the floor, and proceeds to lay next to Regulus, the two of them facing each other.
“I’m proud of you, Regulus,” James says sincerely, never once breaking eye contact, “You are very courageous, even if you don’t think so, I do. I wanted you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what.”
Regulus couldn’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes even if he tried. He’d blame it on the lack of sleep in the future, but right now, that’s everything that Regulus has wanted to hear. He sits up, feeling James sit up with him.
“Is it alright if I give you a hug?” James whispers, “I have a feeling you may need one.”
Regulus just nods, afraid that if tried to speak it would be all tangled. He feels James’ arms wrap around him, and he hasn’t felt this safe in his entire life. James guides Regulus back down onto the bed, still keeping his arms around him.
“I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve never felt this out of control. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just here. By myself.” Regulus squeezes his eyes shut, willing the tears to stop falling.
“Regulus you don’t need to apologize for anything. And the only thing you’re supposed to be doing is living. Alright? That’s enough. Just being here, it’s enough. All you need to do is live. And you have me. I’m here, you can’t get rid of me now.”
Regulus doesn’t have James, in the back of his mind, he knows that. But that doesn’t mean he can’t pretend he does, just for a second. So, for the sake of pretending, he allows himself to be held by James, he allows himself to call James his friend for just a moment. He drifts off to sleep, pretending he has the ability to just live.
Regulus wakes up some time later feeling way more rested.
“Good afternoon, superstar.” James grins down at him.
Again with the stupid nicknames. He never knew when they really started, but Regulus would be lying if he said there wasn’t a tiny bit of him that enjoyed it. But, there was something so wonderful when James used his actual name. It sounded so beautiful, something Regulus never associated with his name.
“Please, enough with the nicknames.” Regulus groans, untangling himself from James, suddenly aware that James still had his arms around Regulus. It's not like he minded at all, but he didn't want to bother him.
Regulus watches James get up and grabs food for Regulus, “Here. You must be hungry.”
Regulus clears his throat, “Thank you.”
“Anytime, Reggie.”
“Thank you for everything today, James. I appreciate it, truly, even if I don’t show it.”
James beams at him, “Anytime, Reggie. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say my name, and I am absolutely flattered.”
Regulus grins at James, unable to stop himself, “Yes, and it most certainly is the last time.”
After Regulus has finished eating, the two of them are just laying on James’ bed, sharing light conversation.
“Can I see the map again?”
“Of course, pumpkin.” James unlocks the map, and hands it to him, letting him inspect it.
“Shit!” Regulus exclaims, as Sirius’s name approaches the Gryffindor common room.
Regulus throws the map at James watching his eyes widen in surprise, “Potter, what the fuck am I supposed to do?”
“Huh, oh shit, um, fuck. Okay go hide in the corner, under the cloak, and do not say a word.”
“Well obviously, did you think I was going to bloody scream?” Regulus mutters, annoyed with their present situation.
“Now, Regulus. He’s moving pretty quickly, so he’s probably a bit angry.” James shoos him off the bed, watching Regulus as he hides under the cloak in the far corner.
Not even, two seconds later Sirius throws open the door, practically running towards James’ bed. He throws open the curtains, and jumps onto his bed.
“Prongs! Where the fuck have you been ?”
“What?” James asks, sounding as if he just woke up, “Oh, I wasn’t feeling too good this morning. I came back here hoping to sleep it off.” Sirius gets off the bed, and now Regulus can properly see him.
“What’s all this food, then? Are you sure you're alright? Oh, Crikey, is this about Lily ?”
“What?” James asks, before putting on a solemn voice, “Oh yeah, kind of, I guess. It just felt too real today, you know?”
“Poor Prongs,” Sirius says genuinely, “You know, screw Lily for breaking up with you. What was the reason, exactly?”
“Padfoot, I don’t really want to talk about it.” James says sadly, and Regulus can tell he really doesn’t want to. But Sirius being Sirius, he keeps pushing.
“No, really. It’s all bullshit. She has been breaking your heart every year, declining your advances, being rude to you, all that crap. And then, she finally says yes, you two spend a lovely couple months together, and she just dumps you. You can do so much better than her-”
“Sirius,” James says firmly, immediately making Sirius go silent, “I do love her, and I will not let you bash her. It was well in her right to break up with me, I’d rather it now than in a couple of years.”
Sirius rolls his eyes, “Fine. But you can't just disappear on all of us. Not really fair."
"Yeah. I'm alright, just need some time alone."
Sirius nods and turns to leave. The door closes behind him, and Regulus can feel himself actually breathe.