Pity
Alessia liked her too. Leah’s mouth opened and closed, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t manage to utter even a single syllable. Alessia liked her too. But…wasn’t she straight? Leah vividly remembered overhearing Alessia and Ella’s conversation one time at camp, and she could have sworn Alessia had mentioned something about a boyfriend. Had she been wrong? Had she misheard? Was there-
The slam of the front door rattled the walls, snapping Leah out of her daze. The spot in front of her was now empty, and her heart dropped.
“Shit-“
She bolted after her, socks slipping against the hardwood as she nearly crashed into the doorframe.
“Alessia!” she shouted, flinging the door open.
But the street was empty. The rain pounded against the pavement, the cold wind biting at Leah’s skin, but Alessia was gone.
“Fuck.”
She darted back inside, grabbing her phone from the counter and calling Alessia. It rang. And rang. And-the buzz of a phone vibrated against the kitchen table. Leah’s stomach dropped. Alessia had left it behind. She cursed under her breath, running a shaky hand through her hair. Where the fuck could she have gone? Her hands shook as she dialled the next number that came to mind.
“Katie?” she rushed out as soon as the call connected.
“Leah? What’s up?”
“Have you seen Alessia?”
A pause. “What? No. Why?”
Leah squeezed her eyes shut, inhaling sharply through her nose. “She-she ran out. It’s pouring, Katie, and she doesn’t have her phone, or her car, or-fuck-“
“Wait, slow down,” Katie said. “What happened?”
Leah pressed her fingers against her temple, trying to steady her breathing. “I don’t-“ She swallowed. “I don’t know. She just ran. And now I can’t find her.”
“Okay, okay, we’ll find her. Have you tried Beth?”
Leah blinked. Beth. Alessia had been glued to Beth all through training. If she’d gone anywhere, she’d be there. Leah hung up without another word, immediately calling Beth. It rang once. Twice. Then-
“She’s here.”
Leah exhaled. She almost collapsed right there in relief.
“Oh my God,” she breathed. “Beth-“
“She turned up at mine in the rain, absolutely soaked and sobbing her heart out,” Beth cut her off, voice tight. “Leah, what the fuck happened?”
Leah exhaled shakily, rubbing a hand down her face. “I-“ She hesitated. “She told me she-“ Her throat felt tight.
Beth waited.
“She told me she likes me,” Leah admitted finally. “And I…I just-I didn’t say anything.”
Beth sighed. “Leah.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Leah rushed to explain. “I just- It shocked me, okay? I didn’t expect for her too - I didn’t know-“
Beth let out a short, humourless laugh. “Didn’t know?”
Leah frowned. “Beth, what-“
“Oh, come on, Leah.” Beth sounded exasperated now. “She told me everything. Are you seriously telling me you never noticed?”
Leah opened her mouth, then closed it. Because…had she?
The lingering touches. The way Alessia had looked at her lips more times than she could count. The way she’d avoided Leah, only to come back and pretend nothing was wrong. The way she’d gotten drunk that night at the pub, hands too comfortable on Leah’s arms. Had she really been that blind that this whole time when Alessia had liked her back?
Beth sighed again, softer this time. “She thinks you pity her, Leah.”
Leah’s heart clenched. “That’s not-“ How could Leah pity her when all she’d wanted for so long was for her to feel the same way?
“I know that’s not true,” Beth cut in. “But she doesn’t.”
Leah swallowed. Silence stretched between them again, and then Beth’s voice came, gentler now. “What do you want to do?”
Leah breathed in deeply. “I want to talk to her.”
Beth hummed. “She’s not ready for that right now.”
Leah clenched her jaw. Beth was right, and she hated it. “…Just-“ Leah ran a hand through her hair again. “Just tell her I’m sorry.”
Beth sighed one last time. “I’ll try.” And then the line went dead.
Leah pulled her phone away from her ear, staring at the now black screen for a second before locking it and shoving it back into her pocket. She rubbed her hands over her face, sighing deeply as they fall back to her sides, staring a little cluelessly around the room. Alessia’s training bag was still by the front door, and with nothing else to do, Leah found herself walking to it, hooking it over her arm before making her way to kitchen.
Back at Beth’s, Alessia was now dry, dressed in Beth’s slightly too small clothes, and curled up on the couch blanket that buried her.
Beth doesn’t ask questions. She doesn’t push, doesn’t pry, doesn’t demand answers that Alessia isn’t ready to give. What she does do is give her a firm look as she once again locks up the house and says, “You’re staying here tonight.”
Alessia doesn’t argue. She doesn’t want to go back. Not tonight. Maybe not ever, if she was being completely honest with herself. Beth lets her get settled, makes her a cup of tea she barely touches, and then sits beside her on the sofa, flicking on the TV to some mindless show. She doesn’t ask if Alessia wants to talk, just rests a warm hand on her knee and lets her be.
Alessia appreciates it more than she can put into words. Her chest still aches. It’s a deep, hollow ache, one that she doesn’t quite understand. She’d wanted this, hadn’t she? For Leah to reject her? Because now she could move on. Things could go back to the way they were.That had been the plan.
But that look on Leah’s face.
Frozen.
Pitying.
Like the thought of Alessia liking her was so far out of the realm of possibility that it had shocked her into silence. Like it was something she’d never even considered. Alessia clenches her jaw, tightening the blanket around her shoulders. It shouldn’t hurt this much. She’d known it wouldn’t be reciprocated. She’d wanted it to not be reciprocated for crying out loud but Leah hadn’t even said anything. She hadn’t moved. And that? That was worse.
Beth shifts beside her, and Alessia glances up, blinking out of her thoughts. Beth’s watching her carefully.
“You want me to hold you?” she asks, voice gentle, like she already knows the answer.
Alessia exhales shakily and nods. Beth doesn’t hesitate. She shifts, opening her arms, and Alessia moves into them without a second thought, tucking herself against Beth, knees pulled to her chest. Beth wraps her up tightly, one hand rubbing slow circles against her back whilst the other rested on the side of Alessia’s thigh resting on top of her own.
And Alessia lets herself breathe. Tomorrow, she’ll go back. Tomorrow, she’ll face Leah. But for now, this was okay.