Chapter 18
It was Christmas time. The school had been decked out in garland and ornaments, and a large green tree stood proudly in the dining hall, covered in twinkling lights and shiny bulbs. Someone had strung a garland of paper snowflakes across every doorway in Sirius’s hall.
He hated it.
Sirius had almost completely forgotten about the holiday season, his brain working overtime, every single thought obsessing over his situation. What to do, what not to do - deny or declare. Peppermint cookies and frosty snowmen never even crossed his mind. Everything seemed to be a bright shiny reminder of what he didn't have at the moment - peace, family, stability. He had not decided what he was going to do. He hated the idea of denying everything, he could see Remus’s distressed betrayed face, his mother coldly showing her approval with a simple nod of her head, trapping him back in the London house and living a miserable life as the Black family heir. But when he pictures owning up to everything - his mind blanks. He can't see Remus, or his mother, he can't see what his future could be. And it terrified him.
Some nights, he fantasized about running away. Grabbing Remus’s hand and taking the first train out of Hogwarts. Maybe they’d live in Paris or Cornwall. They’d live above a bookshop where Remus could work, and Sirius would be a barista next door. They’d spend days at the beach, drinking coffee, and reading books in the sun. They’d hold hands walking down the street and he could kiss Remus whenever he wanted.
But long ago Sirius learned that fantasies are just that, fantasy. He can't escape his life and ignore his problems.
He needed to face it, and deep down Sirius knew what he had to do all along. It just scared the shit out of him.
***
Remus was cold. He was wearing three sweaters, a denim jacket, gloves, and a scarf, and he was still shivering.
He should probably go inside.
But he also loved the snow (yes it's a very complicated relationship). It had snowed the night before and the whole school was blanketed by that wonderful crisp shine. Everything seemed softer and the world quieter. He needed some quiet right now, there were too many people talking. Too many thoughts.
He brought a book outside with him but gave up on that idea pretty quickly. He instead chose to lean against the hard brick wall, admiring the snow and watching the clouds of his breath.
He had gotten a text from his father that morning, simply stating I'm disappointed. It was the first time he’d heard from him in months. He figured the response would be as such, though it didn't mean it still felt like a brutal punch to the gut. It also let him know that news of his apparently controversial relationship had made it all the way to Wales. He was hurt, angry, and confused and didn't know how to handle it all. He felt like his hands were overflowing with everything, it was too much to carry and he was stumbling and dropping everything. Most of all he missed his mum.
Everything was hard without her, and he desperately wished to see her at that moment. Her sweet smile, reassuring talks, and warm hugs. Another thing his father fucked up.
Sirius stumbled over, looping his arm around his, putting his hand in Remus's pocket, and finding his own. They sat in silence for a while, watching the snowfall. Snow is strange that way, how it looks like a loud pounding rain but actually makes no sound at all. Remus found it to be lovely. His mum did too.
‘Before my mum died, she was going to leave my dad.'' Remus shared, he could hear Sirius’ sharp intake of breath, though he stayed quiet, offering space for Remus to continue. “He’s always been a dick, distant and working all the time. I think he loved her, but she got tired of being neglected.’
“We were all coming back from one of his work functions, I was in the back seat of the car. I don't remember much if I'm being completely honest, only that they were arguing, and then… I woke up in the hospital.”
Sirius tightened his grip around his arm. Remus absentmindedly ran his finger over the scar on his lip.
“That’s awful,” Sirius said, face buried into Remus’ shoulder.
“I keep thinking about how she would react to all of this. If she'd side with my dad or support me.”
“She supports you,” Sirius said, firmly. And Remus knew this, but hearing it aloud comforted him still.
“I wish you could've met her.” Remus smiled sadly.
“Me too,” Sirius said sincerely.
They stayed there for a while, firmly clinging to each other. Remus drifted through memories of his past, holding tight to Sirius' arm, his only tether to reality.
“I'm not going to deny anything,” Sirius whispered into the cold night air. “I could never do that to you.”
“Don't do this just because of me” Remus said, no anger or frustration in his voice, just a gentle pleading.
“No, I'm not, I couldn't live with myself if I lied about everything. I - I love you, Remus. And I can't pretend that I don't.” Sirius looked up at him, fear swimming in his eyes, and Remus was rendered speechless. All he could do was lean down, reach out and take Sirius' face in his hands, bringing their lips together. His lips were chilled from the cold but everything about that moment was warming him from the inside out. Remus felt relieved like a weight was lifted from his shoulder, he wouldn't be doing this alone anymore, he wouldn't be the only one in this. He felt his insides explode, butterflies and bubbles, and nausea because Sirius loved him. It was so many things at once, and Remus was completely fine with it.
“I love you too.’ Remus said in a breathless whisper, as quickly as he could before being pulled back into a kiss.
***
The cameras started showing up around the second week after the news broke. Once when Sirius was walking the grounds, he saw a lens poking out from behind a tree. There was never a big group of them, always just a few dodgy guys with big cameras sneaking around the school. They never went on school property, but it was creepy nonetheless. Sirius was properly freaked.
The holiday break was quickly approaching and Sirius was dreading going home. Facing his parents for their cold Christmas, without Regulus, sounded like pure torture. He thought about not going, running off to Andromdeas instead, but he failed to come up with an excuse. His mother had still been trying to call him. Every. Single. Day.
He thought she would take a hint and ignore him, but she remained persistent. He hasn't answered a single call.
He knows what he has to do, he’s sure of his decision now. That doesn't mean it still doesn't terrify him, or that he has any clue about how to enact his plan.
A sudden knock on the door jolts him out of his thoughts. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Regulus with a bag slung over his shoulder.
“Hi,” he said, timid and breathless. “Sorry for just dropping by -”
Before he could even finish Sirius gripped him in a tight hug.
“Thank you.” Sirius croaked, his voice scratchy and tight. The last few weeks had felt like years, he had missed his little brother
As they settled inside Sirius stayed quiet, partly in shock and partly because he had no idea what to say.
“I’ve come up with a plan,” Regulus said, at least one of them had some control over the situation. It always was this way with the two of them. One would carry the weight that the other could not, passing it back and forth. They were always there for each other. This time, it was Sirius who needed Regulus.
“I’m not doing what mother says, I can’t say it wasn’t me in that video.” Sirius managed to say, sitting on the edge of his bed and bouncing his knee.
“Alright. Good.” Regulus nodded his head as he paced back and forth. “That works with my plan”
Sirius nods, relieved to relinquish a bit of the squashing sense of responsibility to figure out the next steps.
“You need to call mother,” Regulus states in a stern tone.
“Now hold on -“ Sirius raised his hand in contradiction.
“Yes, I know.” Regulus waves his opposition away, continuing to pace around his room. “Let me explain.”
Sirius stayed silent.
“Call her, and get to know her plan. I bet she’s already organizing some sort of press junket. Go to it. Play along.”
“You’ve got to be fucking joking -“
Regulus held up his hand, interrupting. “Let me finish. Jesus, I came all this way just to be doubted. Don’t actually agree with her, just go along until you’re in front of all the press. Then say whatever you want. From there, we go to James’ escape plan. Or more formally known as phase two.”
“Brilliant.” Sirius let out a breath of relief. Finally some structure. “You’ve talked to James about this?”
“Of course I have.” Regulus tried to brush off the comment but Sirius couldn’t miss the blush on his cheeks. “He’s going to go with us, and have an escape car ready, to either go back to school or his house, depending on how this whole ordeal will coincide with winter break.”
“Oh my god.” Sirius ran his hands through his hair shakily, in shock and awe.
‘Yeah,’ Regulus agreed, finally sitting down next to Sirius. “I'm sorry you have to go through all this shit.’
‘Me too.’ Sirius smiled weakly before Regulus rested his head on his shoulder, a deeply consoling gesture. It's always been the two of them. He's glad to know Regulus is always on his side.
***
As soon as Regulus got back to Andromeda’s house, it felt wrong. It felt wrong to leave Sirius, abandoned him to deal with that fucking disaster alone. So he did what he could from far away. He read articles and tracked his parent's every movement, which was admittedly shit. Even out of their house, he is still haunted by him. Slowly having to unlearn everything he mastered to survive there. Slowly unraveling his defenses and fear, trying to teach his brain that he’s safe now. Seeing their hateful speech and stiffly posed pictures didn't help with that, but he knew he had to do it. He found what triggered the story to be so big - they had just given a large donation to the political campaign of Tom Riddle. Fortifying his political agenda and reminding the public of their beliefs. The next day the video with Sirius came out. Perfect fucking timing.
James helped formulate the plan, he didn't want to bother Sirius with it, not while he was still struggling to process everything.
He didn't plan to catch a train to Scotland and show up at Sirius’ dorm unannounced. That just sort of happened on its own, Regulus didn't need to think about it, he didn't know how to explain but he just knew he needed to be there.
Now Sirius was asleep in the bed beside him, and Regulus was staring at the ceiling. Restless, he picked up his phone, careful to hide the brightness with the blanket so as not to disturb Sirius.
are you up?
It was a stupid idea, an impulsive text, James didn't even know he was in the school, he was probably asleep, or he was probably -
yep!
what's up??
meet me by the lake?
yeah!
wait
you can't??
are you??
got here this morning
impromptu visit
so?
i'm on my way
Regulus tried to put on as many layers as he could without making too much noise, acutely aware of the snoring, shuffling body in the room with him. By the time he made it out to the lake, James was already there rubbing his gloved hands together, wrapped in a fuzzy red scarf. He didn't seem to notice Regulus until he was a couple of steps away. They locked eyes and immediately wrapped each other in their arms. Regulus buried his face in James’s coat, feeling the soft fabric of his scarf.
‘Surprise.’ Regulus mumbled flatly, tightening his grip around James' back.
James kissed the top of his head, and despite the freezing snowing temperatures, Regulus melted. He was putty with James's hands, they were the only thing holding him together at that moment, the only thing preventing him from splaying out and sinking into the ground.
It was probably an unhealthy response to being given a small kiss on the head, but Regulus didn't care.
‘Missed you.’ James said, smiling down at him, his hand resting on the back of Regulus’ head, comforting him in his hug.
‘Missed you.’ Regulus responded, voice small and muffled.
He shifted his head up so he could see James, the curl of his lips, the redness of his nose, the fog that showed up on his glasses when he breathed.
‘It's fucking freezing.’ Regulus said, still holding onto James.
‘Yeah, whose mad idea was to meet outside?’ James teased, smiling down on him with so much love in his eyes that Regulus can't help but wonder what he did to deserve this. What has he done that's worthy of James Potter's love?
Absolutely nothing.
Maybe it was some weird coincidence, or maybe the universe made a mistake, and James was meant to go to some other person, but for some inexplicable reason James chose Regulus, and he was going to enjoy every second of it for as long as he could.
Regulus laughed, and James leaned down to kiss him. God, he’d missed this. Maybe he’ll never know why James chose him, why they work the way they do, but he knew James, his hands, his face, his lips, and that’s all he needed.
His lips were cold but his hands were warm, and soon Regulus was panting and James was taking off his scarf. By the end, their faces were red and their lips warmed. They held hands as they walked back to the school, their boots crunching the fresh snow.
“So you came here for Sirius? Did you tell him about the plan?’ James asked, bumping into Regulus’ shoulder as they walked.
“Yeah, he’s pretty shaken from the whole thing, but wants to go through with it.’
‘Alright.’ James nods, his smile gone, replaced with a sullen look. “Such a shit situation.’
‘Super shit.’ Regulus agreed and maneuvered their interlaced hands so that James’s arm was around his shoulders. He stayed tucked into James' side for the rest of the walk back.