Chapter 19
Sirius sat on Remus's bed, a record was spinning softly, and he had just finished briefing Remus on the plan. Remus was sitting next to him, silent. Sirius was a bundle of nerves, his knee bouncing uncontrollably.
“Reg is here?'' He asked and Sirius laughed, relieved that his initial response was not anger or retaliation.
“I just told you my mad plan to come out to the British press and you're asking about my brother?’
“Priorities.’ Remus smirked.
“Well yes, he is. He's with James.’
“I see." Remus smiled knowingly. “Now for my actual questions.’ Remus's tone shifted, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging his legs.
“Fire away.’ Sirius tried to joke, but his voice came out cracked and nervous.
“Have you spoken to your mother yet?”
“No. Next time she calls though, I'll actually pick up.’
“So when’s this press thing actually happening?’
“Not sure, knowing her, probably as soon as possible.’
“And then after?”
Sirius exhaled deeply, “Not sure.’
He hadn’t thought that far yet, and most likely he will not be welcomed home, where he would go instead was all up to future-post-press-Sirius to work out.
Remus looked at him sadly, and Sirius was about to try and ramble some sort of assured plan when his phone started buzzing.
“Fuck, it's her.'' Sirius looked down and his lit-up screen.
Shit shit shit shit.
“Are you… going to answer?” Remus asked cautiously.
“May as well.” Sirius shrugged, trying to come off as indifferent but failing miserably. For the first time in weeks, Sirius finally answered his mother's call.
“Hello?” he asked, trying to steady his voice.
“Mr. Black, hello. I’ll transfer you to Mrs. Black in just a moment.” The squeaky voice of his mother's secretary responded, and his stomach dropped. Of course, it wasn't actually his mother calling all this time. She would never stoop so low, try so hard, she’d just pick up once he finally bothered to.
“Sirius.” Walburga’s voice sounded from his phone speaker.
“Hello, mother.” Sirius winced, slightly embarrassed that Remus would have to witness their altercation, but also grateful that he was there.
“I’ve arranged for you to meet with the press tomorrow. I’ve prepared a speech for you, there will be a car to pick you up in the morning.”
“Wait - tomorrow?!” Sirius exclaimed, he didn’t think it would be so soon.
“Well if you’d bothered to answer your phone, you would’ve had three weeks to prepare.”
Sirius stayed quiet, it tended to be the safest option in conversations with his mother.
“After the meeting, you’ll come back to the city. We’re having very important people over for dinner so I expect you to be on your best behavior.” Walburga said sharply, and Sirius's stomach twisted. The only thing keeping him from vomiting on Remus’s bed was that he wouldn’t have to actually go back for Christmas.
“Ok,” Sirius said weakly.
“Soon we’ll be able to put this whole ordeal behind us. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And with that, the call ended. Sirius let his hand drop, in shock.
Tomorrow.
His situation finally seemed to quickly stick in his brain, it was all real, and happening tomorrow.
“Fuck.” Sirius brought his hands up to his hair, feeling fragile and shaken.
Remus shuffled on the bed and brought his arms around Sirius, bringing him into his chest, silently embracing him.
His mother was right about one thing, soon it would all be over.
***
Sirius was trying not to fall asleep in the back seat of the car his mother had sent. His eyelids felt heavy and he had a death grip on his travel mug of coffee, Remus had so generously given it to him before giving him a quick kiss and heading straight back to bed. James and Remus stayed at the school, as it was still a thing that was going on and they couldn’t get excused. Sirius did forget about tests and homework deadlines, but that didn’t mean they weren’t still happening. Regulus was with him, headphones on and eyes closed. Their mother didn’t know he was coming and Sirius could tell Regulus was just as nervous as he was. It was going to be an intense day for both of them.
Sirius had tried to think of what he would say. He read the speech his mother sent and decided it would not be that pile of garbage, but his thoughts didn’t go any further than that. He could improvise, probably.
He found his headphones and found the most aggressive metal music to try and stop thinking, it worked. Kind of.
The car stopped in front of a hotel. Old architecture with gold detailing, fancy trimmed trees lining the outside, and a doorman standing stoically waiting for them. They were supposed to go to concert room number three, wherever that was. Regulus dropped his headphones around his neck, his hand on the door handle.
“You can do this.” He smiled softly before opening the door.
After a few wrong turns and aimless wandering down long hallways, they found room number three. Their mother was standing in front of the doors, her whole body stiffened when she saw Regulus. Sirius defensively stepped forward, blocking him from view.
Walpurga frowned and took a step forward, and Sirius thought she was about to give some angry lecture, scold Regulus or yell. Instead, she looked at Sirius and gave him printed cue cards with his supposed speech.
“You’re late.”
“I know we -“
Walpurga raised her hand, and reflexively Sirius closed his mouth. He hated that even after all this time away she was still in his head like that.
He felt sick.
“They’re waiting for you. Head straight to the front podium.” Walpurga continued, her eyes avoiding regulus the entire time.
Sirius made his way to the door and looked back at Reg. He nodded encouragingly with a sad smile.
Sirius took a deep breath and opened the door.
The room was full of journalists. People with notepads and cameras were all looking at him as he walked to the front of the room. As expected there was a small wooden podium and a thin black microphone. Sirius put his cue cards down and coughed anxiously.
His heart was racing, his palms were sweaty, people were already taking pictures and the flashes of the cameras were blinding. He was hot, his shirt felt too tight. Did he put on deodorant this morning? Shit, he forgot. He’s going to smell. The whole room is going to smell him and -
His breathing was getting out of control. Quick panic breaths and shaky hands. His chest was tight, everything was on fire.
He couldn't breathe.
He tried to find someone in the crowd to steady him, a familiar face, or a friendly smile. Twenty strangers stared back at him hungrily, anticipating his statement.
Right fuck. His statement. What was he supposed to say again? Why didn’t he prepare anything? Fucking idiot.
This is all your fault
If it wasn’t for your fucked up family
For your impurities
If you could’ve just controlled yourself
“I -" Sirius breathed, the microphone whinged a high pitch squeal. He winced and raised his hand to try and block out the bright lights. His mother's voice screamed in his head. His father's glare.
This is all your fault
This is all your fault
“I did it. I did it.” Sirius whispered, hands in his hair. “It’s all my fault. I'm sorry." It came out as a whimper, a desperate plea. The flashing got worse, and the shutters of the cameras became deafening. Sirius had to leave. He stumbled out of the room, ignoring his mother, desperate to get outside, anywhere but that godforsaken room.
He made it out to the street, the cool air a welcomed relief. His breath was still shaky, and his heart still panicked. He sat on the curb, trying to bring himself down.
Suddenly Regulus was there, hand on his back, exaggerating his breath so Sirius could follow along. Soon enough, they were breathing in sync, Sirius slowly coming back down to earth.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius buried his head in his hands. Utterly drained and exhausted. “Think I just made things worse.”
“No, no you didn’t,” Regulus said softly, wrapping his arm around him. “You were incredibly brave.”
Sirius scoffed and stood up, rubbing his hands on his pants. It was then he noticed that Walburga exited the hotel and was storming directly toward them.
“Come on,” Regulus tugged on Sirius’ arm. “James is parked around the corner.
Before they could even speak to Walburga, Sirius and Regulus were in the backseat of James’ mum's Prius. Sirius had completely forgotten about this part of the plan: phase two.
When he opened the door and went into the back seat he was nearly brought to tears by the sight of Remus Lupin sitting next to him.
“Hi,” Remus said with a sad smile, creasing his eyebrows and displaying the dimple on his cheek.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said weakly, he didn’t follow the plan. He wasn’t the brave person of his fantasy, declaring his love proudly. He was the scared boy who had a panic attack in front of the press. He was embarrassed, and still reeling from the whole event. He was expecting Remus to be disappointed, upset that he didn’t follow through, or angry that he lied to him.
“Don’t be,” Remus said, reaching his arms out and pulling Sirius in for a hug. Sirius sagged in his arms, drained from the day, and relieved he didn’t need to argue with Remus. Everything was turned into a fight in his house, and he was not used to people just accepting him when he had tried his best.
He fell asleep in Remus' lap, dreaming of honey-colored curls and Christmas cookies.
***
The following day the Black family released a statement:
Sirius Black no longer has any affiliation with the Black family.
It was small, a simple one-liner, but it cut deep. He knew it was coming, from the rage in his mother's eyes. He knew it was bound to happen, he was never going to be the heir they wanted, and they didn’t want him any other way. That didn’t mean it still didn’t feel like a knife to the gut, each word twisting the blade in deeper. They were still his family. People who were supposed to support him unconditionally, they were supposed to cheer him on, they were supposed to love him goddammit. He knew it was coming, they were never the parents he deserved but they were still his parents, and he couldn’t help the tears welling in his eyes. Remus was there, sitting next to him, and he let him cry into his chest, gripping the fabric of his sweater. He was free, free from his family, and the toxic constraints of expectation. He should be celebrating, dancing around joyously.
Instead, he just felt abandoned, empty, and exhausted.
The cameras got worse after that. Journalists were desperate for a response from him, he didn’t give them much the last time and they were hungry for more of the story.
He went to the headmaster, explaining the situation and saying how the cameras just wouldn’t leave. Dumbledore had said there was nothing he could do unless they were on actual school property and they were very cautious to stay just outside of the school grounds. They had their big lenses and bright flashes, following him around the perimeter, staking out the front gates for a glimpse of him. By the end of the week, there was a permanent group out front of Hogwarts every waking minute.
He thought things would get better, but instead, they were getting worse.
“I don’t know how to make them go away,” Sirius complained, sitting next to Remus in the library. It was their final week of school, exams were done and the rest of the student body got to relax during their final week. Sirius however had one last exam to do, McGonagall sympathized with him and allowed an extension. He was trying to cram some last-minute study with Remus but his mind was elsewhere.
“I know it’s probably the last thing you want to hear but… I think they need more.” Remus said, fiddling with his pencil.
“More? I already said it was me. What more could they want?”
“I don’t know, the press are ruthless hungry monsters, but maybe they need more than one sentence to write a story, maybe they need some, uh, closure?”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “We’ll they can fuck right off. They don’t deserve closure.”
Remus reached across the table and grabbed his hand, rubbing circles with his thumb.
“I know,” Remus said softly and all the burning anger he was stoking quickly fizzled out. “I don't want you to say another thing to them, and I don’t know if it would work but maybe, if you’d give a proper statement, maybe they would ease up a bit?”
“You might be right, but I don’t think I can go through that again,” Sirius admitted, his chest tightened just thinking of that room full of cameras.
“We’ll figure something out.” Remus encouraged, it shouldn’t work, just a few simple words, but Sirius was put at ease.
***
Sirius ducked his head trying to shield his face from the flashing cameras. Remus was next to him, hands in his pockets, head down. they were just trying to get back into the school after spending the morning outside. They had watched the clouds move and lazily kissed behind the greenhouses. It had been a perfect morning, now the press had ruined it.
He was so annoyed with the whole situation, desperate for the cameras to leave. How could he give them a story without having to give a statement?
“Wait, Remus.” Sirius stopped walking abruptly, reaching out to hold Remus’ arm, pulling him back into him. “I have an idea.”
“What is it?” Remus quirked an eyebrow. Stepping even closer so their toes were touching.
“Let’s give them something to write about,” Sirius smirked and grabbed Remus's sweater, pulling him down into a kiss. After a second of surprise, Remus leaned into it, wrapping his hands around Sirius’s waist and pulling him closer.
The cameras went wild.
Sirius got lost in the moment, the world around them fuzzing into a quiet blur. Quickly though it dawned on both of them that they were snogging in front of the British press. They pulled apart laughing, delirious. Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand, leading him down the school's gravel driveway, running away from the blinding flashes and shouts. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, his breaths were quick and he was dizzy with adrenaline. He was free.
***
The press wrote about Sirius for about a week. The disowned heir snogging the boy in the scandal video was good news until it got old. Then there was quiet.
Finally.
It was like a breath of fresh air. The reporters left the school, his mother stopped calling and he could finally hold Remus’ hand when he walked down the halls.
Sirius wrapped up the semester with passing marks, and an email from Andromeda, inviting him to stay for the break.
He could visibly imagine their Christmas break; a big roast, crackling fire, and red ribbon on presents. He could see Reg, relaxed and comfortable showing him around the house. So much laughter and warmth. For the first time in a long time, Sirius was excited about the holiday.
He was quickly packing a suitcase to take with him, the train was due to leave in a few hours and as usual, Sirius had left things to the last minute.
There was a quick knock on the door and before Sirius could even move to open it, Remus walked inside.
“Hey, we’re all waiting - oh my god you haven’t packed yet,” Remus said, stopped dead in his tracks, disappointedly looking at Sirius half full bag.
“I’m almost done!” Sirius smiled, picking up his speed and quickly throwing things in.
“Well, James, Marlene, and Dorcas are all packed and waiting to go to the station. Mary and Lily are supposed to join us too but they’re off together somewhere not being subtle.”
Sirius barked out a laugh. Mary and Lily didn’t not have such a public coming out like Remus and Sirius but it was hard for their small group of friends to ignore what was going on between them.
“I’ll be done in just a couple of minutes,” Sirius reassured. Remus walked behind him and wrapped his arms around Sririus’ waist, hugging his back and resting his head on Sirius's shoulder.
“It’ll be longer if you’re going to be like that the whole time.” Sirius teased. Remus turned his head and kissed Sirius's neck, bringing his lips up close to his ears
“They can wait.” He whispered.
Sirius turned around, Remus's arms still around him, and kissed him. It was so good every time, sweet and soft and panicked and fast. Remus with his long fingers and curly hair, his dimpled smile, and the best laugh Sirius had ever heard. Remus was so so good.
They fell back on his bed, on top of the strewn-about clothes and Sirius pushed his bag off with one swift nudge.
He didn’t need to worry about his windows or any cameras. He didn’t need to worry about going home, or Reg not being safe. All he had to focus on was the beautiful boy with his hands in Sirius's hair.
Everything was so so good.