Chapter 17
two new messages from reggg:
hey
im back home, and as per your request, letting you know
how are you feeling?
just had a darling chat with our mother
fuck
how’d it go?
well she pulled me out of class and i sat in the car with her as we drove around aimlessly and she berated everything and everyone i love
sounds like her
im so sorry
she wants me to deny its me
in the video
what the actual fuck
yep
that was my reaction
what are you going to do ?
i dont know
but she made it seem like i didnt have any choice
im the heir, after all
oh god sirius
im so sorry
yeah
how’d remus take it
well,
he
um, he left
what do you mean, left??
i told him and he stormed off
like im the one choosing this
he was so upset
oh that fucker
don't be mad at him
i fucked it all up reg
its all my fault
its all gone to shit and i dont know what to do
what do i do reg?
i -
i dont know
The week after the leaked video was a blur of hushed whispers and questioning stares. Remus was avoiding him. Regulus went back home. Sirius felt drained. An empty lonely vessel of what he used to be.
He didn't know what he was going to do. He felt sick thinking about going through with his mother's plan, leaving Remus to shoulder the burden of all of this alone, a scandal he never would've been a part of if it weren't for Sirius. Though he also felt sick at the thought of disobeying his mother, the disgusted tone and angry lectures that could come from opening and admitting his involvement scared him deeply.
So he'd been avoiding it, doing neither of those things and instead ignoring his mother's calls. It was going well, for now.
He knew Regulus had to go back, and though he missed him desperately, he knew it was good for him. James tried to be comforting, and Marlene and the rest of the girls brought him muffins and stayed for sympathetic chats and movie nights. He knew he shouldn't feel as lonely as he did. But no one could truly understand. Except maybe Regulus. Or Remus.
But Remus was never there. He hadn't said more than a few words to Sirius since the day they found out. It was torture for him, and he didn't know what he had done wrong.
Well, that's not true. His fucked up family got his face plastered all over the internet and now Remus couldn’t walk down the halls without someone asking him an inappropriately personal question or glaring at him, disgusted. He assumed that after their little spat, they had broken up, or something. Maybe Remus just needed some space to think and process, or maybe he was just sick of Sirius and his stupid family drama. He must be so full of regret and hate. He couldn't get mad at Remus for it though, Sirius hated himself too.
He was so desperate to talk to him though. To have a row, a big explosion to conclude it all. This silent sulking was not how it was supposed to end. He was desperate to know. He needed Remus to yell at him, scream all the things he hated about him, how much he was disgusted with him, how much he fucked everything up for them, and then, Sirius could leave. Then Sirius would know. He would know it was all true.
Remus had wanted to keep it a secret too, after all, he had had lots to lose too.
It was some freak accident that Sirius caught Remus alone in a classroom. He was looking for a quiet place to study, a sad attempt at distracting himself which would probably end with him scrolling through his phone, his textbook forgotten on the table. Remus was already there, looking perfectly poised next to the sunny window and reading a massive history textbook.
“Hi,” Sirius said nervously. “I was going to study but I can go.” Sirius awkwardly gestured back to the door.
Remus looked startled. “No it's alright, you can stay.” He shrugged, looking at his book.
Sirius nodded, not sure if he really wanted to stay. He sat across from Remus anyway, pulling out his books.
He didn't read a single passage.
They sat in silence for a few uncomfortable minutes. Tension tugged at the air around them. Sirius sneaked glances at Remus when he knew it was safe to look, longingly staring and sadly staying silent.
It was killing him.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius blurted. “I don't want to deny it, I just don't know what else to do.”
“I know,” Remus sighed, and Sirius felt a small release from the heavyweight crushing his chest. “If I was in your place, I wouldn't know what to do either.” He said, exhausted. Now that Sirius was properly looking at him, he saw the dark circles under his eyes, his hair frizzy and fussed. He was beautiful, but Sirius couldn’t handle the toll this was taking on him. He supposed he didn't look much better, though. He hadn't had a proper night's sleep all week.
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” He pleaded, frantically. “I fucked everything up.”
“Stop saying that,” Remus reached forward, taking Sirius's hand in his. “We haven’t done anything wrong.” He said it so softly, defeated and tired, and Sirius broke. His shoulders shagged and tears burned his eyes.
“No,” he said softly, his voice cracking. “We haven’t.’”
Remus got up and moved to the seat next to him, cradling Sirius in his arms. Sirius collapsed, crying for the first time since he found out the news. It was all too much, too hard. The realization had struck him deeply, growing up with viscous hate it was hard to not believe those things, but Remus was right. They had done nothing except love each other, it was everyone else who was twisting and tainting it. His tears fell freely and he choked back winded sobs. He felt stuck, backed into a corner with no possible escape.
But then Remus kissed his head and squeezed him tightly, and Sirius felt safe. Protected. He knew whatever he had to do, he was doing it with Remus, and that made everything seem a little bit more okay.