Chapter 8
hey so
james asked if he could have your number
just wanted to make sure that was cool with you before i gave it to him
uh
i mean
sure?
ok great :)))
dont know why he wants it tho
because he likes youuuuu
phfff
he doesnt even know me
but he wants to
hence the request for your number
or maybe its just in case of emergencies
like if you die at school
i would like to be the first to know
how would i even die at school?
and if i did, im sure the burden to tell you would not be on james
i dont know
maybe an asteroid comes hurdling from space
or there's a kraken in the lake and it takes you hostage
ok i can almost guarantee you there will be no asteroids
will be forever thinking of the kraken when i swim in the lake now
thanks for that
of course, what are brothers for except to instill the fear of the kraken in you
ok kraken aside,
james is most likely into you, and if the feelings are reciprocated, i will pass on your contact info
hes not into me
but you can give him my cell
woooooo
my brother and my new friend
starting a budding text romance
oh shut it
;)))
***
Sirius had spent the entire weekend in his room. Watching movies with Reg, trying to do schoolwork and failing miserably, listening to music, and staying in bed all day. It was relaxing in a way, but also lonely. Sirius knew he probably could've hung out with James, or Marlene, but there was still that little voice in his head telling him they don't want to be around him. Sirius tended to feel like unless he’s invited to things, an explicit confirmation taht he’s wanted, it's assumed people don't want to hang out with him. Something that should probably be unpacked further, but for now he’s chosen to just go along with it and isolate himself.
He emerged from his room on Monday for his classes. James was with him for one, and it was nice to see him. They made paper airplanes with their worksheets and had a competition to see whos went the furthest. Sirius won most rounds, but once, James flew so far it hit the teacher. He got detention for that, but it was hilarious and he got the whole class laughing. Sirius was on his way back to his room when he ran into Remus.
Remus gave him tight smile and a small wave of acknowledgment before walking past him. It was such a simple interaction but it pained Sirius. Remus, with his golden curls and soft sweaters, brown leather book bag, and beat-up converse. He was just so lovely.
Remus turned the corner before Sirius could utter a single word. He really fucked everything up. Every time he saw Remus now, he couldn't help but think about how much he must despise him, how annoying it must be to see him everywhere, to have to help in with school. He must really hate him now.
***
Remus saw Sirius everywhere.
Literally, because they go to the same school and bump into each other in the alls, in class, and when they have their sessions in the library but also Sirius was everywhere. He wouldn't leave Remus’ mind. He was constantly thinking about him. Connecting passages in books to him, song lyrics, poetry. Sirius occupied every single space in his brain.
He saw him in the dining hall during breakfast that morning. Though Sirius didn't see him. He just walked in, grabbed an apple, and left. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail, with strands falling out and curling around his face. He had headphones on, black round ones with the band that goes over the head. Remus couldn't take his eyes off of him. When he reached for the apple Remus saw his hands, long and delicate, decorated in thick silver rings. He hasn't stopped thinking about them since.
Remus had thought about all the things he could say to Sirius. All the things he could do. Apologize. Scream. Kiss. but there hasn’t been a good time. Not when they're studying or in class, Sirius is rarely seen hanging around campus on off days. He doesn't know where he goes, only that Remus reads on the great lawn every weekend and hasn't seen Sirius.
He can stop thinking about the victory party, and how he screwed everything up. There was a tension, what Remus read to be a potential kiss. But Lily dragged him away and he couldn't bring himself to go back.
Liking boys had been something Remus had just recently discovered about himself. He liked girls too, anyone really, but his bisexuality was something he was still coming to terms with. Since he did like girls, the option to like anyone else was something he hadn't really considered, he hadn't needed to consider it. Though eventually, it became harder and harder to ignore. Lily coming out to him as bi last year had sent the wheels turning in his brain, and he just recently felt comfortable enough to share that information with her. Actually kissing a boy though felt like a whole other experience. And kissing Sirius. It was a lot to process.
Eventually, it got too late, days turned into weeks and Remus stayed locked up. Anxious and crass. He knew he could've gone about it differently. He could’ve rushed back to Sirius, gripped him by the shoulders, and pulled him into a fierce kiss. Or even the day after, fishing him in the library, sincerely explaining everything, leaning in for a soft and tender kiss. There were a million different scenarios in which Remus didn't just run away, mostly all of them involving kissing Sirius.
He did nothing of the sort. Instead, he clammed up. And stewed in his anxieties, watching comfort movies and vaguely explaining everything to Lily, no real details but enough for Lily to kindly say he was being stupid. He agreed but still did nothing.
***
Sirius found Remus already seated at their table. He looked up from his book as Sirius sat down across from him. The small paperback of Perks was long gone, some dark red hardcover in its place. Sirius couldn't keep up, it seemed as though he was reading a new book every time he saw him.
Sirius started unpacking his schoolbooks as the silence grew tense. He could feel Remus's eyes on him.
“I have a test at the end of this week - geometry.”
Remus nodded.
“I have no fucking clue what to study.” Sirius leaned back in his chair. Already getting flustered.
“I have a way to make a study guide that I find really helps for maths,” Remus replied, voice almost dull. He opened his notebook and they began to make a guide. It was actually helpful, but the whole time they didn't say a single thing that didn't involve geometry to each other.
It made Sirius mad. He knew he messed up, he shouldn't have been so bold at the party. But he got shot down and stood up. Remus was clearly not interested. So shouldn't they just be able to move on? Go back to joking around and talking about books? Why is everything still so awkward between them?
Sirius left the library feeling deflated. He wasn’t sure how he could fix his potential friendship with Remus. Though they only just started to get to know each other, he founds he was actually missing Remus’s company.
Maybe he should apologize. Maybe what's been holding them back, is they never really talked about it. Maybe he just needed to confront Remus, say sorry for almost kissing you - I got the wrong impression, my bad - then they can go back to being friends?
It could work.
Jumped out of bed and threw on his leather jacket. He started roaming the halls, the boost of adrenaline slowly wearing off. The more he walked the more he started to question his decisions. What if he couldn't find Remus? Maybe he had already gone back to his room. What if he didn't accept his apology and got mad? Maybe Remus just didn't want to be his friend at all?
As he started talking himself into turning back around, he spotted a knitted brown lump sitting on the grass outside. Along legs scratched out, paperback folded behind itslef. Sirius took a deep breath and stormed over.
***
Remus saw Sirius walking towards him, hands clenched in fists wearing the hottest leather jacket he’d ever seen, covered in buttons and safety pinsm worn grey on the elbows. His eyebrows were furrowed together and Remus was bracing himself for something awful but when he got close he just stood still, staring down at Remus. His expression shifted, features loosinging, eyes growing wide. He looked almost sad.
“I’m sorry,” he said, voice soft. Remus stayed silent in shock.
“I don't know what happened at the party - but I misread something. And I know you hate me, but I just need to say I'm really sorry. I fucked everything up. But I really like you - and I don't have many friends here and I just hope you can forgive me so we can move past this and -
Sirius was spiraling, staring at the grass, folding in on himself. Remus wanted him to stop, wanted him to breathe and hug him tightly.
“Stop it,” Remus said, sitting up and walking over to Sirius.
Sirius’ breath hitched and he looked up at Remus, eyes wide.
“Don’t be sorry.”
“But I -“
“No stop. I’m sorry. I’m the one who ran away.”
“But if you didn’t want to…”
“No, but that's the thing,” Remus was about to explain. Try and comfort Sirius. But then he realized how close they were, and how much closer they could be. So he leaned forward, looking down at Sirius's lips, and closed the gap between them.
***
Remus was kissing him.
And it was everything.
Fireworks, explosions, every nerve in his body short-circuited, energy sparking and crackling around them.
Sirius pulled him close, hands raised to rest on his shoulders, twirling his curls around his fingers.
They stayed there, in the grassy field, and time stopped. All Sirius could focus on was Remus, that’s all he cared about. His hands, his lips, his heart. It felt as though they were the only two people in the universe and not two students kissing in front of the school, with a very high chance of someone seeing them.
No one did see them, in the end. Once they parted, Sirius went back to his room smiling. He didn't know what this meant for them, where they would go from there. But at that moment, Sirius didn't care. He could still feel Remus on his lips. That's all he could think of for now.
***
hi!
this is james
sirius gave me your number
i know
hi james
just thought it would be handy to have you in my phone
you know
in case of emergencies or anything
ok
ok!!
***
heyyyy
james
its two in the morning
is it an emergency?
oh shit
didnt realize it was so late
sorry
no its fine
i was up already
well, not an emergency
i was just going to ask what your favourite book is
i don't have a favourite
what?!
there’s too much to choose from
you have to narrow it down
favourite classic? romance? fiction? science fiction?
i could go on
alright alright
favourite fiction
Dead Collections by Isaac Fellman
oooh haven't heard of that one
i just finished reading it so it's my favourite right now
my favorites tend to change pretty regularly
that's adorable
no its not
its just - reasonable
it's weird that your favorite is expected to be your favorite forever when you are constantly finding new material and growing as a person
again, adorable
fuck off
ooooh i just read the synopsis online
trans vampires working at an archive?
i’ve added it to my list
well good to know you have taste
you have a list?
yeah
i have a little file in my notes app, books i see on tiktok, see in a store,
recommendations from friends;)
if i cant buy them right away or go to the library, i'll forget
so i have a list
that's…
kind of adorable
ahhhh
he thinks i'm adorable!!
no - your list of all the books you want to read is adorable
you’re just ok
i’ll take it :)
regulus?
are you still there???
you must’ve fallen asleep
or just really wanted our conversation to end lol
goodnight :)