Chapter 4
It was a chilly September weekend, Sirius had his phone propped up on a stack of books, and every single item of clothing he had packed was sprawled out on the bed.
“What about this?” Sirius asked the phone holding a vintage T. Rex band shirt, Regulus’ pixelated face staring back at him with a soft scowl.
“It’s the same style as the other three shirts you showed me.”
“No, this is T. Rex, it gives a different message than Bowie which is different to Phoebe Bridgers which is different to The Rocky Horror Picture Show ” Sirius anxiously explained. “Oh shit, do you think I need a scarf?”
“Probably. If it's cold. I can’t tell you the weather when I live on the other side of the country.” Regulus’ flat unimpressed tone echoed on his slightly tinny phone speaker.
“Fuck this changes everything.” Sirius raised his arms over his hand and paced around the room, judgmentally picking apart every single piece of clothing he owns.
“Oh my god.'' Regulus rolled his eyes as he flopped back down on his bed, the phone shaking and his face going out of frame as he did so. “Wear that dark green scarf I crocheted you, with that leather trench coat thing and black jeans.”
“Ooooh yes.” Sirius agreed, starting to get excited again. “What about the shirt?”
“Wear your Bowie one. It’s black and white so it’ll match best and give my fabulous scarf a chance to shine.”
“Oh you are so right, you're a lifesaver.”
“Now, you should know that I don't fully endorse you spending so much time on an outfit to go see a rugby match with a boy, but also know that you look fucking great.”
“Thank you very much.” Sirius smiled, fully understanding Regulus' reluctance. They don't talk about family stuff, try and avoid it as much as possible, but he knows it must be hell for Reg right now. If not from his own personal experience but the dark circles under his eyes and the tiredness in his voice. He’s just trying to protect him, and Sirius loves him for it, he’s not going to listen to him, but still.
“Now go before you miss the entire game, I’ll talk to you later.’ Reg said, waving his hand as if to shoo him away.
“Ok ok ok, bye,” Sirius said as he got his face close up to the camera, waving frantically before hitting the little red button. He took one last look at the mirror that hung on the side of his door. Reg knew his stuff. He looked good. Casual but put together. He gave a little nod of approval to his reflection before leaving his room.
After taking a few wrong turns, Sirius found the rugby pitch. The teams were already on the field, doing some sort of warm-up drills. He spotted James, jumping around and directing the other team members. The sky was cloudy and everything felt kind of gray. But in that nice way where it just makes the warm things feel even warmer. There was a cold breeze and the trees around the school were starting to turn brown. He saw Remus, in a creamy knit sweater, and corduroy trousers. He was wrapped up in a red fuzzy blanket squished in between two other people; Lily Evans and another girl he didn’t recognize. The unknown girl had shoulder-length tight curls and purple shiny eyeliner that sparkled against her dark brown skin with small purple butterfly clips in her hair to match. She was chatting excitedly to two other students, who Sirius also didn’t recognize, wrapped up together in a separate blanket.
Sirius didn’t realize Remus had this many friends.
He suddenly felt like he was stepping in on something that he wasn’t supposed to be a part of. A wave of anxiety suddenly overwhelmed him. He was about to walk back to his room, forget about everything and do a 2000s rom-com marathon with Reg when Remus caught his eye and waved him over.
The grass crunched under his feet as he walked over to Remus and his friends. The little ball of anxiety in his chest grew bigger and squeezed tighter simultaneously.
“Hey, Sirius,” Remus spoke and everyone turned around all at the exact same time, staring at him silently. It was fucking intimidating.
“Everyone, this is Sirius.” The whole group waved all together, smiling.
Freaky.
“And Sirius, this is Dorcas.'' Remus pointed to a girl with long box braids and a silver septum piercing. She was holding hands with another student he didn’t know.
“And that's her partner Marlene.” She was sharing a blanket with Dorcas, they had bleached blonde hair and smudgy eyeliner. No one was wearing their school uniform and everyone looked so stylish for a school game.
“Then, this is Mary.” The girl with butterfly clips smiled sweetly. “And you know Lily.” Lily gave a silent nod of acknowledgment.
Remus’ friends were fucking cool.
“Uh yeah, hi everyone.” Sirius joined their lineup. There were bleachers around the pitch, which seemed to be so full that some students just had to stand around the field. Including them. Remus emerged from in between Mary and Lily to get him a blanket. Apparently, Dorcas likes to knit and she supplies all their cozy game accessories.
“Here.” Remus handed him a dark blue blanket and a small styrofoam cup with steam curling out of the top.
“Cheers.”
Sirius took a sip and felt the smooth heat of melted chocolate warm him up from the inside out. It was sickly sweet but absolutely perfect.
Sirius didn't understand a thing about rugby, but he had a great time anyway. Everyone placed small silly bets on what teacher would lose it at the ref. Mostly everyone said Slughorn but Mary stuck with McGonagall with the belief that she could manifest it. She did not, and not even twenty minutes into the game Hogwarts’ chemistry teacher started telling the rugby referee how to do his job, and things quickly became unprofessional.
He watched as James’ friends screeched and cheered every time he made a pass or scored a goal. Even Remus got into it, his book long abandoned in his bag. They ate multiple bags of popcorn and he had a lengthy debate with Marlene over which was better; sweet or savory. They never reached a conclusion but it was fun all the same. Somehow Remus became entangled in his blanket, and they were so close that their shoulders knocked together. At one point when something happened on the field and Sirius knew from the crowd it was time to clap, their pinkies brushed past each other as their hands raised. It felt like a crackle of electricity ran through his whole body, lighting up his insides and making his hair stick out.
After the game finished, James’ team came out on top, and Sirius was told to meet at the greenhouse at the far end of campus for the victory party. Apparently, it's a secluded enough location that the noise is muffled and most of their year can fit the space, some teachers even deliberately turn a blind eye because it's a ‘rugby tradition’.
After applying an effortlessly smudgy eyeliner look and ditching the scarf in his dorm, Sirius went to the greenhouses. There was a whole row of them behind the school though more than half of them went unused. The kitchen tried to grow their own stuff but it was too unreliable. Now they are only used for science experiments and a half-arsed gardening club (Sirius heard they barely ever meet up anymore and it was originally a plan to grow weed).
As he approached the lined glass buildings he could already tell which one was inhabited by excited rugby winners. Thumping bass and crowds of people surrounded the small shed-like structure, the furthest away from the actual school building. He saw students chatting, drinks in hand, out the front. The door was wide open and the inside was packed with dancing bodies. Someone had hung up string lights and they bathed the rotted wood and dirty floors in an aesthetically pleasing warm light.
Sirius spotted Remus right away. A head above the crowd, looking terribly out of place. His expression of slight discomfort; eyebrows furrowed and chewing his lip. Sirius grabbed a drink from a bin of ice rested on one of the planters - to make it seem like he’s been here way longer and that Remus was not the first person he sought out - then made his way right over to Remus.
Remus and Sirius locked eyes. Remus started talking before he could make out what he was saying. The music was vibrating the walls and he was too far away. They were playing some obnoxious pop song, the kind that had one small really catchy part and was severely over-played, it made Sirius physically ill.
“I CAN'T HEAR YOU” Sirius tried to shout over the loud music. He did not think it was that long of a walk to Remus but it started to feel like an eternity.
“I SAID - oh.” Remus looked down as Sirius planted himself next to him. “Hello.’
“Hi.” Sirius smiled. It was still kind of hard to hear, but he could make out enough of it now.
“Are you enjoying the party?” Sirius said, trying to make conversation and failing miserably.
“Not really, if I’m being completely honest. The music sucks.”
“The day that creating a song with the intention for it to go viral was the day music died.”
Remus smiled at that, he liked making Remus smile. That damn dimple.
“Cheers to that.” Remus held out his bottle and Sirius raised his own to meet it. Taking a swig of his drink he realized he grabbed some sort of seltzer. Some blue raspberry bullshit. Taken by surprise, he couldn't control his face scrunching with disgust.
“Not a fan?” Remus asked rhetorically, still smiling.
“Honestly, I have been just craving a smoke since I got here.” Sirius ran his hands through his hair and looked around the room, probably as good of a chance as any. 'Do you know anyone I could bum one off?’
Remus took a step closer so that the tips of their shoes were almost touching, he pulled a package of cigarettes from the pocket of his denim jacket and leaned forward so that his lips were inches away from Sirius' ear.
“Want to get out of here?”
It took every ounce of strength for Sirius not to just completely melt into the floor. Sirius nodded wordlessly and followed Remus out of the crowded space.
Remus led him to the far side of the greenhouse, shaded by trees and the only light coming from the bright moon. He leaned against the side of the house, put a cigarette between his teeth, and lit it. Sirius took one from the pack and leaned in, letting Remus light his for him, their foreheads almost touching. Sirius pulled away and broke eye contact, taking a drag and watching as the smoke swirled into the night sky. He didn’t smoke that often, only really did it to piss his family off or to look cool at parties - because cancer and dead lungs aren't good, but you can’t deny it looks fucking wicked. But as he exhaled he felt an immense sense of relief and sagged, resting his back against the stiff glass. Maybe he should probably quit.
“So do you actually listen to Bowie or did you just buy that at Urban Outfitters?’ Remus said, looking down at Sirius’ shirt.
“Remus Lupin, are you accusing me of being a poser?” Sirius raised his hands to his chest, feigning offense.
Remus opened his mouth to protest, then changed directions and nodded. “Actually yes. I am. I have met one too many at this school so it wouldn't come as a surprise.”
“I consider it a personal failure that you perceived me that way. Yes, Remus, I listen to David Bowie. He was a personal icon of mine growing up and maybe had too much of an influence on my personality.”
“Correct answer.” Remus smiled with a cigarette between his teeth. “Bowie was the first vinyl I ever listened to. Shattered my world.”
“Oh, I miss my vinyl collection. I left them at home and have now developed separation anxiety.”
“Ha, I get it. I had to bring mine over. A few years ago, James bought me a player as a birthday gift, and it's a permanent fixture in our dorm.”
“Oh, I’m so jealous.”
“You’ll just have to come over sometime. Go through my collection and harshly criticize it.”
The cute boy was inviting him to his room to look at his record collection. Sirius’ heart malfunctioned.
“Er - yeah. Sounds good.” Sirius hoped it was dark enough out that Remus couldn’t see his blush. “So you room with James?”
“Yeah, since the first year we got here.” Remus smiled, fondly reminiscing about something that Sirius was not included in.
“Woah, and you’ve been friends this whole time?” Sirius had never had a friendship that lasted that long. No one that he was that close to, or cared about that much. Except for Reg. But does that really count?
“Oh yeah, I was kind of a shy kid. Didn’t talk to literally anyone when I first got here. But James decided we would be best mates the first day I met him. And James doesn’t lie.”
“He sounds like a nice guy.”
“Hmmh. He is.” Remus took another drag and kept his other hand in his pocket. The faint light just outlined the silhouette of his face. The curve of his nose, the slight jutting out of his lip. Sirius fought the urge to reach out and brush his curls out of his face, they were falling everywhere, covering his ears. Soft and golden.
Sirius slid down the back wall, stretching his legs, feeling the cool grass beneath him. He tilted his head to look at the stars, trying to make out some of the constellations. Remus didn't even question and sat down right next to him.
They sat in silence for a while. Just smoking and looking at the sky. He thought it would be awkward, to be with someone and not have a very second filled with conversation. He always feared that heavy blanket of discomfort. Suffocating until someone speaks. But with Remus it was different, they could just be.
It wasn’t a very clear night so most of the stars weren’t visible. He could see Regulus though and that made him smile.
“That's my brother.” Sirius pointed up to the sky.
“Brother?” Remus asked, slightly confused.
“Regulus. The brightest star in the constellation of Leo. It's right up there.”
“Ahh. I see.” Remus modded along. “How old is he?”
“Just a year younger than us.”
“Why isn't he at Hogwarts - if you don't mind me asking,” Remus asked. Both their voices grew into a softer whisper.
“Well, Hogwarts wasn't exactly my family's first choice for me. I used to go to school with him. At some posh place in the city. But well - some things changed and I got sent over here.”
“Hence no summer reading.”
“Exactly.” Sirius nodded. “I did end up reading those, by the way, some weren't half bad.”
“Well good, glad you enjoyed the assigned reading you were supposed to do months ago.” Remus teased.
“Hey, we've already established it's not my fault.” Sirius waved a judgmental finger at him.
“Fine, fine.” Remus held up his hands in surrender.
Sirius dropped his hand to stub out his cigarette. Remus adjusted his position against the greenhouse, one leg stretched out, the other hugged close to his chest.
It was then Sirius realized their hands were almost practically touching. If he moved his pinky one-quarter of a centimeter, he could reach Remus. The thought was oldy thrilling.
So he did it.
Instant, crackling energy sparked between them. Like a magnet; powerful, magic energy was drawing them together.
He caught Remus’ eyes, gauging his reaction.
He doesn't pull away.
Instead, he took his pinkie finger and intertwined it with Sirius' own.
Hungry flames started to build. Crackling around them.
Remus leaned in so that their arms were pressed together. His hand now fully holding the top of Sirius’.
Sirius eyed Remus’ lips, counted every freckle, traced every scar, his eyes searched for a reason to stop, for him to jump back, get angry and leave.
But he supposed he just knew that that was never Remus.
He could feel it in his gut.
A deep sense of connection with this person.
This funny beautiful boy with one dimple and a million freckles.
He leaned in closer -
“REMUSSSSSSS”
Both Sirius and Remus jump back in shock. Unsure if they just imagined Remus being yelled at.
“REMUSSS”
“REMUSSSS WHERE ARE YOU, ABBAS ON! FUCKING FINALLY!” The slightly tipsy voice of Lily Evans became clearer. “I’ve had one too many cups of Mary’s punch and I need you to dance with me!”
That seemed to snap Remus out of his shock and with a slight shake of his head, he stood up, brushing off his pant knees.
“Coming Lily.”
Turning back to give Sirius an apologetic glance, Remus turned the corner and disappeared.
What the fuck just happened?