Hermione sighs as she flops on the back of her bed. She knows it’s a childish action but given that she has been feeling rather childish lately, she deserves it. Honestly, she thought she was over nonsense like this, or rather that she was over her feelings.
She’s not a cold-hearted, emotionless person, she does have true feelings sometimes, but when coworkers make it about: “Oh, are you dating anyone yet? Youth doesn’t last forever!”, “Why don’t you join us for date night?” “How will you get married if you don’t date anyone?” The constant questions of her love life or lack of one, make her look like an ice queen. Hermione doesn’t mind others falling in love and performing those lovey-dovey PDA actions in public, it’s just not for her.
She knew something was wrong with her when she was in school. Every girl in her class was so excited for the Triwizard Ball, talking of who to date, how to dress up, and if it would be love forever. It was silly, and not something she was interested in, but peer pressure is a powerful drug. Besides dealing with Harry and Ron being moodier than a couple of old bubbies at a yarn sale, she had to deal with the girls in her dorm room hounding her for answers. “Did she love Harry?” “Was the article that Rita Skeeter wrote true?” Among other questions, Hermione just didn’t understand it.
Harry was a boy but he was her friend, that’s all, a very good friend who tended to get into loads of trouble. There was no sweet first love occurring at all, no matter how much people speculated on it or tried to dramatize it.
She smirks, “Rita deserved to be in that jar. Writing such horrible articles on minors.”
She looks up at her ceiling watching the image move like flowing sand. It was relaxing to look at, and a sure way to make herself calm down and fall asleep; however, it was not helping her now.
She sits up from the bed and crosses her legs over the other, biting her thumb. She doesn’t understand why she’s having conflicted feelings. It’s never been a problem before, she would begin to develop an intense feeling of love for a person after knowing them for longer than six months or a year, and then it would evolve and turn into a deep love between friends. It never became more or turned into romance. Honestly, people who fall in love in less than three days never made sense to her, but then again she wasn’t exactly heterosexual.
Before she had a word for it, Hermione saw herself as odd, or wrong. Other young ladies could fall for a partner with ease. Of course, there was the teen drama accompanied by it, but it always led to eventually dating, kissing, sex. No matter how much Hogwarts would claim sex never happened at school, teenagers were inventive if not downright intelligent on finding ways around the magical chastity security Hogwarts tried to impose.
Hermione, however, never found it appealing. She knew the mechanisms for the process and she found it boring. She had the talk by the time she was seven, her parents wanted her to be prepared as well as to be aware if someone was trying to do something wrong. She just never understood how someone could lose their mind over seeking sex out when it was just a more intimate form of exercise in her eyes.
Still, finding out you are in the asexual spectrum but having no word for it at the time was difficult to navigate. She remembers trying to fit in, peer pressure as stated before is a powerful stimulant. It’s part of the reason why she tried to date Ron after the Dark Lord’s defeat. She knew him for years, he was kind in his own way and seemed to care for her. Besides after everything they had been through he seemed like the only one that would understand her, or at least she hoped he would, yet Ron wanted more than she could give.
Ron assumed at the time she didn’t want sex because they weren’t married and Hermione insisted on that lie. There were no words to explain why the thought of it made her feel nauseous. Ron was handsome in his way; it had nothing to do with his appearance; she just didn’t want to become that intimate with him, but maybe if they got married it would click. Maybe if she just gave herself enough time, maybe if she researched sex and found something significant in the action, maybe if she just watched how it was done something would spark inside her to want to be in that position. However it never came, the longing, the want to have sex and be intimate with someone she loved never came. She must be a horrible person. She assumed she was at the time.
Thankfully, during her crisis, she sought out Harry’s partner for help, Cedric. Harry was a good friend, but he was a bit dense when it came to things such as this. It took him nearly his entire time at Hogwarts to figure out that maybe he wasn’t as straight as he thought. Though, it wasn’t easy to figure out when you had two madmen playing with people’s lives for the force of “good”.
However, that wasn’t the point. Cedric was kind, gentle with his words when he spoke with her while Harry put the kettle on that day.
“Have you ever thought that you might be asexual?”
That word, that one simple word had opened her eyes. There was a word for her. It may not fit her completely, but it meant she wasn’t a half of some future whole. She wasn’t broken or missing a piece of herself. She was just Hermione and she happened to be asexual.
Once she was informed of the word, she did her best to research it, eventually finding it did fit her to some extent and not only that, but there are various branches within the ace spectrum. It was like she had found a home, an understanding that she was not alone.
Hermione knew what she had to do at the time. She had to be honest with Ron and it went as expected. Ron was confused, Ron got angry and stormed off, and Hermione dropped him like a hot potato. Eventually, Ron did move on, but those first few months of the breakup were awkward. Poor Harry, having to be in the middle of it all. After Ron, after the breakup, Hermione felt free. She felt freer than she had been. She didn’t have to worry about future obligations of marriage, she could just follow her own path. While following her own path was frightening, it was enjoyable until this moment.
Hermione covers her eyes with her hands, groaning.
“Everything was going so well,” she sighs, staring at the ceiling. “Come on, Hermione, nothing will be solved by moping.”
She forces herself to sit up and taps her face to steady herself, before grabbing a quill and paper. “Let’s start from the beginning,” she says, making a line of pros and cons. “I ran into Victor Krum a few months back and we’ve kept in touch via owl. He’s an enjoyable fellow to talk to.”
She places that comment in the pro section. “We recently went on a coffee date and caught up on old times.” she snorts, “Even relived our past dating fiasco in school. He was very kind and sweet about it.” she smiles, placing the comment in the pro list.
“We’ve become very good friends. He still wants to play in the Quidditch Championship one day. So very goal-oriented, I think.” she places it in the pro section.
“He doesn’t know I’m ace…I’m not sure how he’ll react and if he’ll react like Ron,” she mumbles, placing it on the con side.
“Though he might never need to know, it’s not like I’ve suddenly developed feelings for him.” she says, unsure. “I mean, even if I did, what could I offer, really? He seems like he would want a family, the whole normal experience.” she says, placing it in the con section.
“Wait, feelings… I can’t, this is just friendship isn’t it?” she says, biting her lip. Of course, she had researched different ways people can be ace; there are too many to count, but would she be a fake ace for having a crush? Is this what a crush feels like?
She wastes no time and heads for her dresser, pulling out a large handheld mirror. She taps the glass three times with her wand and says Harry’s name, and the mirror fizzles and beeps in her hand before a picture of Harry appears.
“Hey, Hermione.” Harry manages to get out before Hermione begins to verbally dump the situation on him. Harry blinks for a few moments, before calling for his partner. “Uh, Cedric, you busy, love? Hermione is having a crisis. I need back up.”
“I am not having a crisis, Harry.” Hermione huffs stubbornly. “I am having a confusing situation and need another person’s perspective and thoughts.”
Harry sighs, “Well, to be honest, I think you might be in love with Krum, or at least you’re crushing on the guy,” he says bluntly. “But I think Cedric might be able to, uh, word it better than I did… Sorry Hermione.”
“You,” she starts before pinching the bridge of her nose. “You always were straightforward.”
“Eh, not that straight.” he laughs, rubbing his neck. “Took me ages to figure that bit out. With the whole boy wonder nonsense going on, eh.” he chuckles as Cedric appears with pastry on his cheeks.
“Hello, Hermione.” he says as Harry leans up to kiss him on the cheek. “I thought you said it was a crisis?”
Harry smiles. “Oh she’s having romantic feelings and thought she couldn’t, ‘cause of her Aceness?” he looks over at Hermione for confirmation as she nods her head.
“Well, you still feel ace, right?” Cedric asks.
“Yes… I think so.” she pauses. “I’m not sure now, because what it meant was no sexual contact ever and now…” she blushes.
“Hmm, you want to have sexual contact?”
“I… Maybe.” she says, frustrated, wringing her hands. “I’m not entirely sure. I know I am having feelings, or perhaps liking him more than a friend, like Harry.” she taps her finger against the back of her hand. “But it’s not the same feeling as when I was forcing it with Ron.” she says, brows crinkling. “I’m unsure what it could be, but I know, logically, what it should be?”
“Well, it sounds like something you need to explore and talk about with this person you like.” Cedric smiles.
Hermione sighs, “I was afraid of that.”
Cedric frowns. “Well, it can’t be that scary, can it? You don’t fear they will hurt you?”
“It’s Viktor Krum,” Harry interrupts. “That guy is only harmful if you're in the way of the snitch… Deadly wand work though.” he continues as Cedric sighs. “What? Ah, you’re the only one for me, Cedric. Just uh, well, observation.” he flushes.
“I wasn’t concerned.” Cedric laughs, softly kissing the top of Harry’s head. “I just understand Hermione’s view.”
Harry raises a brow. “Wait did you…?”
“It was a crush that was unrequited.” he smiles. “You weren’t the only one confused. He was very nice and he let me down nicely.” he pauses. “I was terrified of coming out at the time. Dad was just so proud of me… I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
Harry snorts, “I don’t think you ever did… But I guess it’s kind of funny we all got steamy about Krum.”
Hermione frowns. “Steamy? I wouldn’t say that.” she blushes, brows furrowed. “Though, maybe that is what I’m feeling?”
Harry taps his chin. “Hmm let’s see. Do you want to hold his hand?”
Hermione blinks at Harry, confused. “I suppose that would be nice.”
“Do you want to kiss him?” Cedric asks, grinning.
Hermione places a hand against her cheek. “Maybe on the cheek?”
“Do you want to see him without a shirt on?” Harry teases.
“Harry, it’s too cold to have a shirt off right now.” she snips.
Harry smirks. “Okay, so do you want to see him naked?”
“NO!”
“Do you want to get naked with him?” Cedric teases.
“No, why would I…? Can’t we just snuggle by a fire or talk into the night?” she mumbles, covering her hot face.
Harry snorted. “Yeah, you do have a crush, but you're still you.”
“Meaning what exactly?” she asks, crossing her arms.
Cedric interrupts. “What Harry means is you’re ace, no matter if you find Krum attractive, want to kiss him, or have sex with him.”
“But…”
“Hermione, there are many different ways to be asexual. There’s no right or wrong way to be that. Some like sex, some are repulsed by it. Some like certain aspects of sexual attraction and some don’t. There’s always going to be a range of differences you’ll experience or not want to experience.”
Harry nods his head. “there’s no right or wrong way to be gay, and not all gay people are the same so, same idea, right?”
Hermione nods her head. “I guess so… Sorry to cut it short, but I need to research some things.”
“Research…” Harry groans. “Hermione, I promise it’s not going to be a big deal.”
“But it is!” she says, worried. “I need to know the right verbiage to express myself.”
“Sometimes labels are just there… You know, like, too many specifics, everything gets muddled.” Harry says, seeing the look in Hermione’s eyes. “But you’re not going to listen, are you?”
“Harry, I have to do this for myself and understand it.” she chuckles. “It’s not like being ace is something common. If,” she pauses, taking a breath. “If I’m going to try and take this further with Krum, I need to know how to explain it to him.”
Harry scratches his head about to comment when Cedric takes hold of Harry’s hand. “Understood. Good luck, Hermione.”
“Thank you.” She gives a final wave before turning off the device as she lays back on her bed, exhausted from just that interaction. It’s only a moment later that she slaps both her cheeks and sits up, determined. No, she has to research, she has to figure out what exactly it is that makes her ace. Maybe she’s just been faking it all along? Maybe if she begins to have a crush that doesn’t make her ace anymore. Maybe that makes her a liar?
Hermione shakes her head. “No, I just need some solid research. That’s all.”
Harry pulls his hand from Cedric, annoyed. “Why didn’t you let me tell her? She already knows what being ace is because she is, well, ace.” he ends lamely.
“Harry, did you accept yourself so easily?” Cedric asks as Harry huffs, crossing his arms. “It’s going to take her time. Just like it takes everyone time to figure themselves out.”
Harry rests his head against Cedric’s chest, looking up at him. “How did you get so wise?”
“Lots of self-loathing and suppression.” he chuckles as Harry sticks his tongue out at him.
“Hmm, sure… Hey, what are you making anyway? Hopefully, it didn’t burn.” he asks, concerned.
“Cake, the fluffy one you like so much.” he smiles as Harry beams. “Though I’m wondering if I should slow down on making so many sweets.” he says unsure.
“Not at all, babe. You like to bake and I like to eat what you bake.” he pats his belly. “Belly agrees too.” Harry laughs as Cedric snorts at Harry's antics. He’s such a charmer.
Hermione had made a plan. She remembers the plan, even practiced what she would do in the mirror, for a temporary boost of confidence. She even remembers the late-night she spent researching and studying the best way to explain Krum the dynamics if she needed to.
Her heart had been racing ever since she left her home, heading to the cafe. She does not expect Krum to do anything harmful or react dangerously, but it is always safer to have these discussions in public just in case. She bites her nail as she enters the cafe trying to calm her nerves. There’s no reason to feel like this, this is Krum who has been nothing but sweet and kind with her.
She knows how particular she can be and how annoying she comes off at times, yet he accepts it in stride, or at least he doesn’t comment on it. Ron never liked it when she went on a tangent… Even before they started dating.
She spots Krum at a windowed booth in the cafe and braces herself as she walks over. She can do this!
“Ah, there she is.” Krum smiles in greeting as he stands up to greet her. “You look tired.”
“Long night… A couple of nights, actually.” she says, taking a seat as Krum follows suit. Hermione bites the inside of her cheek. “So, have you ordered a drink yet?”
“I’ve ordered for both of us.” he chuckles. “Just some tea for now, though perhaps you might need coffee.” he smirks.
Hermione scowls. “Ugh, you know I hate that stuff.”
“Ah, so you are awake now.”
Hermione rolls her eyes as the waiter brings the hot beverages and sets them down.
“But I think this isn’t just simple morning drinks, is it?”
Her face pales as she places her fingers around the mug, tapping the handle. “What makes you say that?”
“You were pacing outside the cafe.” Krum starts as Hermione gulps. “Did you not realize?”
“I… No.” she says, looking into his eyes. They’re so warm and inviting. Her stomach coils at the thought of them turning cold on her. She licks her lips.
“Hermione…”
“I did not know I was pacing outside.” she starts before taking a sip of her tea to try and calm her nerves. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. She was supposed to walk in, chit-chat for a few minutes and gradually bring it up. “I did have something to tell you… Though the thought of saying it out loud is making me nervous.”
Krum nods his head, frowning. “You don’t have to talk about it. If it’s making you feel like this, then it might not be the right time.”
Hermione shakes her head. “No, it needs to, to be addressed.” Her hands shake as she sets down the mug on the table.
Krum nods his head in silence, giving her the floor.
“Krum what would you,” she pauses. “I mean if,” she stops once more, feeling her heart hammering against her ribs. Her respirations increase, her palms become sweaty, and her stomach twists and turns.
“Hermione,” Krum reaches over, placing his hand over hers. “Take your time.”
See, it’s actions like this that make it so difficult for her to get out the words. How can he be this decent, no, this kind to her? Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know yet. He doesn’t know what she is going to say. Even if she did come out and bluntly tell him about her feelings, could she pursue anything with him? What exactly could she give to him with the way that she is, incomplete? What would Krum think? Would he be disappointed like Ron, or would he understand?
“Krum, this is very difficult to get out… Thank you for being patient.” she starts again, clumsily. “I, well, what would you think if, well would you be disappointed if I wasn’t a complete woman?”
Krum's brows raise into his hairline as he pulls his hand back, looking deeply into Hermione’s eyes. Hermione feels like an amoeba under the microscope with that gaze. It’s not reassuring in the least. She purses her lips together, frowning.
“Well, I don’t understand what you mean by complete.” he says, confused. “You are a lady, so that is all you are?”
Hermione raises a brow, equally confused, “Uh, yes,” she answers, wondering where this is leading.
Krum nods his head. “Ah, so that is all. Hmm, I don’t see the concern but it did have you stressed.”
“Yes it did, because I thought...” she sighs. “Well, Ron did not handle it well,” she wraps her arms against her waist, leaning over on the table, worried. “I was not sure if… Not to say that you would react the same way, but I wasn’t…” she frowns, waving her hand.
Krum’s face furrows, his mouth twitching. “Did not handle it well? How? A woman is a woman, the end.” he says waving his hand. “It’s easy, even toddlers can figure it out.”
Hermione tilts her head looking at Krum. “I don’t understand?”
“Hermione, if you say you are a woman, you are. It’s simple.”
“Uh, well, not that simple. You see, I enjoy our time together a lot and it’s made me realize I have feelings for you, and…”
“Oh.” he blushes.
Hermione chuckles. “Yes, oh. And well, I thought it would be a disservice to you if I was not upfront about everything… I didn’t want you to be disappointed later.” she says softly.
“Why would I be disappointed?” he smiles. “I have a beautiful witch asking me out on more dates.”
“More dates.” she repeats, flustered.
“Yes more… Hmm, they will just be more official now, correct?”
“I, yes… So, with that, you’re okay with me being incomplete?”
Krum frowns. “Hermione, you could be missing a limb, and you still wouldn’t be incomplete. You’d just be Hermione. There would be no change, so you are not incomplete.”
Hermione bites her lip, looking down. Krum doesn’t think she’s incomplete, he doesn’t think so at all! She can barely keep her smile back and laughs under her breath. How could this have gone any better?
“Th-thank you.” she says. “You had no idea how nerve-wracking it was trying to figure out how to bring it up, or well the scenario, a what if.”
“You do like to overthink a lot.” He teases. “Hmm, though I have some questions. Is it okay to ask?”
“You can. I’ve come prepared, well, more like I researched almost every aspect or question you could ask…”
“What hormone replacement potion are you on?” Krum asks. “I’ve heard some of them can be dangerous if not taken properly. I want to know what to do if something… Hermione, what’s wrong?” he asks, seeing her face pale.
“Krum, I’m not on HRT.” she whispers.
“Oh… Spellwork then? Hmm, you were always the brightest witch.” He laughs as Hermione’s eyes widen.
“Why do you think… I never told you that I’m ace. Never explicitly stated it.” She says out loud.
“Uh, what is ace?”
Hermione flushes. He didn’t know. It was now or never. She has to tell him. Make it easy to explain.
“I don’t like sex,” she blurts before seeing Krum's face twisted into confusion. “I mean that it doesn’t… I don’t find it attractive or necessary. That’s what being asexual is… Part of it at least, and there’s a ton of subsections. So many subsections. For example, I find you immensely attractive not only in your looks, but also in your actions. And that started these feelings of mine, which I haven’t experienced before. Which has been a nightmare, though not a bad one, just a very confusing one, because then it got me thinking if I’m ace enough or if I’m just faking it,” she rambles.
“Oh… Okay.” Krum interrupts as Hermione pauses in her speech.
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s okay.” Krum says.
“Okay? Do you know what being asexual means?”
“Not really, but why would it matter? If I didn’t mind if you were trans, why would I mind this ace thing? You’re Hermione, a smart, kind, and brave witch. Isn't that enough?”
Hermione mulls over Krum’s words. He made it seem so simple, so straightforward, and to the point. No hidden “maybe I can change her to like it”. Just pure acceptance of Hermione just being Hermione. That’s all it is, Hermione is just herself.
Hermione smiles looking at Krum. “Yes, it is enough.”