Show me the world and I'll show you mine

When Remus wakes up on the tenth of September, it’s to board on a plane to Vienna. It’s ten in the morning when they reach Austria’s capital, and Remus has already sensed a shift in the dynamics of the group.

Regulus seems extra grumpy: it shouldn’t be alarming because Regulus is always grumpy, but he snapped at Remus in the plane, when Remus took his suitcase to put it on the overhead compartment, claiming that he was tall enough on his own (he isn’t).

James and Lily aren’t attached to the hip at all: on the contrary, James was sitting on the plane with Sirius, looking deep in one of their private conversations while Lily was sitting with Mary on the other side of the plane, looking just as invested in a conversation. As a result, Remus found himself sitting alone, next to some girl from the Experience Trip who seemed to be cut off from her trio. He didn’t mind, simply got to reading his book with The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust playing in his ears, which is the best state of being one Remus Lupin can be.

Remus is the first one of their group to walk into the airport in Vienna, and immediately, his eyes fall on the man with long blonde hair and a huge grin on his face, who is holding an enormous, ‘Will you marry me, my love’ sign above his head. He chuckles silently, and wonders whoever this ‘my love’ might be. Surely someone who isn’t afraid of the ridicule, he thinks.

He advances through the crowd to claim his luggage, not really paying any more attention to the man with the sign, until he hears a huge squeal and a gasp. He turns around, figuring that the ‘my love’ must have walked in the airport at last, and what was his surprise when he saw Pandora Phoebe Malfoy running on a full sprint towards the long-haired man with a manic grin on her face. Remus started at them in confusion: was that her boyfriend? The one she is going to open an animal shelter with? He wonders, and it’s quickly answered when Pandora brings him in a passionate kiss before the man pulls back, lowers his sign on the floor and lowers down to one knee in front of Pandora.

Remus is close enough to hear what he says, although he doesn’t know if he is grateful for it or not. “Panda, I have loved you with everything I have, day night in and day out, I will gift you my heart should you never give it back, oh my love.” He starts, and Remus wonders if he somehow tried to make it rime. “I’ll love you until we’re worm food, I’ll love you even after our last moon, and I’ll cherish everything you are should you allow me to. Your lips are a delicacy, your eyes a scenery, your voice a symphony and I can only ever want one thing: Panda, will you please marry me?” he finishes his speech in opening a ring box, and really, Remus thinks that Pandora seems like someone who would enjoy this.
She squeals and says yes, earning them a couple of “aww’ from the watching crowd, applauses and a big whoop from Marlene who was watching it. Remus finds the rest of the group next to Marlene, all watching them with soft expressions.

Remus looks back at the newly engaged couple to see that he didn’t gift her a ring but a tiara that she is now wearing atop her head. It would look ridiculous on anyone, but somehow Pandora pulls it off: the green and blue crystals match her eyes and overall style perfectly, and the weird shape fits perfectly her wild curly hair.

Remus snags his suitcase, and by the time he makes it through the crowd towards his friends, the entire group has reunited around Pandora and her fiancé.

“I’m getting married!” She grins and jumps up and down, making them all shake their heads fondly. “Guys, this is Xenophillius Lovegood, my husband to be!” she introduces him, and Remus is certain that this guy is one of a kind. He did just hear the speech too, so.

“Nice to meet you, all, my love has told me a lot about you.” He nods at them, and Remus wonders if he is the only one who is a little put off by all the ‘my love’s. He is all for public displays of affection, he is, after all, currently hugging Sirius from behind – he has no idea how that happened, by the way – but terms of endearment in public have always felt a little cringey to Remus.

“Oh, I can’t believe we’re getting married!” she giggles, and Xeno smiles.

“I have one more surprise, darling.” He starts, and Pandora already has her hand covering her mouth, “I knew you’d say yes, so I already took care of everything.” He grins, “We’re getting married in Lapland in twelve days!” he announces, and Remus feels his jaw falling to the floor. Getting engaged at eighteen felt a little crazy to him, but married? That’s a whole other level of insanity.

“Oh my God!” Pandora squeals again and draws him in a kiss. When she pulls back, she frowns at him, “What flowers did you chose?”

“Blue dahlias, of course. They’re your favourite.” He smiles sweetly, and Pandora’s frown promptly vanishes.

“Save the date, 22nd of September 2024, we’re getting married!” she announces with a huge grin, and that starts up another round of cheers and applause.

______________________________________

The two days in Vienna are spent quickly: without surprise, Pandora and Xeno are fucking glued to one another, and the rest of the group make fun of them all in good fun. More often than not, it turns into comments about Sirius and Remus as well, because they’re just as bad, while maybe not as cringe, but Remus still loves it. By now, seeing huge cities has become tradition: even though the tall European buildings of Vienna like the Schönbrunn Castle or the St Etienne Cathedral are quite different from the Ottoman architecture of Istanbul, with the Tokapi Palace or the St Sofia church, Remus has gotten used to it. He only has twenty days left of this beautiful journey, and he wants to spend them having fun with his friends. So, Remus takes a minimum of pictures, just enough to be sure to have something to post on Instagram that night – another tradition that Remus has really started to love – and enjoys the days with his friends.
On the afternoon of the second day in Austria, they take a bus to Hallstatt, one of the prettiest cities in all of Europe, and it’s four in the afternoon when they get there. It truly is beautiful: a small village hidden around mountains and a lake that kind of make Remus think of the Pyrenees, with its snowed mountain tops reflected in the water of the lake surrounding the village. The entire Experience group divides in two: the weirdoes who enjoy having flaming muscles with Gid and Fab to walk up a mountain, and the normal, chill people who enjoy a quiet stroll in the quaint city. It’s quite small, really just a town, and with the touristic attraction it is, the streets are pretty crowded. In their nine people group, only Marlene and Dorcas went to the hike, the rest of them wanting to stay close to a fire in a small bar they find hidden away in a less touristic place.
It’s a fun night; with Mary’s birthday looming in the horizon – it’s in two days, actually – they’re sharing birthday anecdotes. Lily recounts the year Mary was sobbing so bad she put snot on her birthday cake, earning herself a swat. Mary, in revenge, tells them about Lily’s sixteenth birthday, when she was certain some guy was going to kiss her at her party and the poor dude never even showed up, leaving her a sobbing mess.

“Lily never loved again.” Mary shakes her head teasingly, making Lily roll her eyes.

“You say that as if you didn’t cry for a whole week when Benjy kissed another girl.” She calls back.

Mary gapes at her, “I’ll have you know, Benjy played me.” She tries, and Lily chuckles.

“He liked your story on Instagram. I don’t call that flirting.” She mocks and takes a sip of her drink, letting Mary time to scoff and roll her eyes.

“Right, forgot you need at least five thousand very explicit terms to realise when someone’s flirting with you.” She accuses, and James chuckles on the chair opposite Mary.

“That’s kind of true, Lils.” He smiles sheepishly, “Took you a whole month to realise I was flirting with you.”

It’s Sirius’ turn to laugh, “Mate, that one’s on you. Your flirting attempts were terrible.” He grins at James, who splutters in shock.

“No, they weren’t!” he opposes, and Remus has to cock his head in disagreement.

“It was kind of like looking at a baby deer trying to walk for the first time.” He says, making the group chuckle.

“Yeah, your flirting attempts were horrifying.” Mary nods at him, and James scoffs.

“Well, I’m sorry if my entire game isn’t just batting my eyes and swaying my butt to get whoever I want.” He tells her, and Remus doesn’t miss the way his eyes flicker to Regulus as he says it. Remus is certain something happened that last night in Istanbul, after James asked him where Regulus had gone to. It surely resulted in Regulus hating James even more and in James and Lily breaking up, even if it was mostly on Lily’s part. Either way, Remus isn’t about to ask. Sirius is the gossip in this relationship.

“Oh yeah, I’m sorry, your game is actually being an awkward nervous mess for twenty days then before the world’s most confident man on earth.” Mary clashes, leaning towards the table in a challenge. Remus sees how to make this more interesting at the same time Sirius does.

“How about we have a little competition?” Sirius smirks at them, “You want to see who’s the better flirt here, am I right?” he asks, and both of them nod.

“Alright, well, we’re in a bar, there’s a shitload of people over on the dancefloor,” he says, pointing with his chin at the crowd who is dancing on some David Guetta song a few feet away from them. “You both have ten minutes. We’ll see who doesn’t come back without a snog when the ten minutes are over.” He suggests, and Remus can see the spark of mischief in James’ eyes there usually is when he is getting into whatever kind of trouble, prank or bet. Watching Prongs on the pull. That’s bound to be funny, Remus thinks, grinning to himself.

“You’re on. Ten pounds Mary doesn’t get a kiss tonight.” James grins at her, and her returning gaze is just as challenging.

“Twenty says James gets turned down twice.” She is quick to call back, and Sirius whoops.

“You guys are on!” he grins, “Okay, Moony, set a timer for ten minutes.” He asks, basically buzzing with excitement, “I can’t wait to see this!”

James squints at him, “Who do you think is going to win?” he asks, and Sirius barks out a laugh.

“Oh, Prongsy, you obviously!” he grins at him mockingly, then winks at Mary. They both rise from the table, and wait at the end of it for the beginning of the timer.

“Okay, three, two, one, GO!” Remus bellows, pressing his phone to start the timer. They both scatter immediately, James straight to the bar while Mary makes her way to the dancefloor.

“Prongs’ going to get eaten alive.” Remus mumbles, and Sirius next to him snorts.

“If he gets one phone number, I’m buying the next round.” He agrees with a grin. Around the table, with Pandora and Xeno hidden away in their own bubble, the only other people paying as much attention to Mary and James as they are are Lily and Regulus. Both of their eyes are fixated on the crowd in front of them, both sporting the same expression. Their mouths are pinched, their eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed, both shooting disapproving glares into the crowd.

“Oh, James found someone.” Sirius comments. It makes Remus turn his eyes back into the crowd: sure enough, James is talking to a blonde thin woman dressed in cheetah print at the bar, leaning against the bar tentatively. Remus is certain he is trying to imitate Sirius, with the same kind of flirtatious body-language, but he just looks like he’s trying too much. Although, that seems to work on the girl, who laughs whole heartedly. It kind of pains Remus to see it: the man is obviously not cut for one-night stands. James Potter doesn’t do casual; he’s the most committed man Remus has ever known.
Remus turns his eyes back to find Mary, and her too has found someone. A tall brawny looking guy with a buzzcut is grinding against her back, running his hands over her hips. It helps, Remus thinks, that Mary dressed up today: she’s wearing a silk sort of cropped top that Remus imagines must feel like liquid over one’s fingers. At least Sirius’ silk shirts feel like liquid.

“Mary did too.” He says unhelpfully. He knows everyone saw as well, and when he turns back to the table, her finds Regulus’ and Lily’s gazes still cold, hard and so similar that Remus thinks they could be related. Remus cocks his head; he thought Lily didn’t have any feelings for James anymore? Though, he imagines, it can’t feel too good to see your ex of a few days flirt with someone else. He tries to put himself in her place, if Sirius and him had broken up and he was forced to watch him on the pull, and he wonders how Lily isn’t burning this entire place to the ground.

Regulus, on the other hand, surely looks like he is about to set the place on fire. Remus doesn’t think it makes any sense: Regulus has been abundantly clear that he doesn’t like James back, and Remus can’t imagine a universe where Regulus Black is put off by James Potter flirting with someone else. No, it has to be something else.

He thinks back to what he knows about Regulus and finds that he has never seen him with anyone. Regulus has never shown any interest in anyone, and Remus is confused as to why he had assumed that Regulus would be jealous of James. He has never said anything about being queer anyway, and it makes Remus think of a Mary and Regulus possibility. Would that even work out? Mary’s chipper and overly sociable personality mixed with fierce femininity, a penchant for gossip and trouble with Regulus’ closed off and cold personality. Remus can’t really see it, but well. He didn’t see Pandora with someone like Xeno two days ago either.

Either way, both Lily and Regulus look insanely jealous, and Remus doesn’t really know what to do about it.

A few minutes later, the timer sets off, and only James walks back to the table with his head hung.

“I tried.” He whines, “But she slapped me when I went to kiss her.” He admits, making Lily crack a small smile and both Sirius and Remus roar in laughter.

“That’s my Prongs!” Sirius coos, throwing an arm around James’ shoulders, “You’re a flirting loser, man, that’s why I love you!” he announces around a grin and presses a wet smooch to James’ cheek.

“Thanks, Pads, really helps.” He pouts and sinks to his seat.

“Don’t worry about it, man.” Remus grins at him, “No one believed in you anyway.”

James chuckles bitterly, “Gee, is it Roast James Day?” he asks, “I get it, I’m not a good flirt.” He shrugs and goes back to his pouting.

Mary returns to her seat fifteen minutes later with a very satisfied look on her face, “I just snogged him in the bathroom.” She grins at James, “He wanted to get me back to his place, but I said I wasn’t feeling it.” She shrugs in a self-satisfied sort of way that has Sirius and Remus laughing.

“Okay, fine, you’re a better flirt than me.” He rolls his eyes and takes out his wallet to give Mary a tenner, “You win, happy?”

“Tremendously!” she beams, “I snogged with a hot Austrian guy and won ten pounds. What a day!” she grins and knocks back her drink, apparently not paying any mind to Lily nor Regulus who are still wearing their sad faces next to her.

_______________________________________
On the next day, they take a bus to Salzburg, the city of Mozart. Now, Remus isn’t a classic music enthusiast, he much prefers his 70’s rock or chill US rap, but it seems it isn’t the entire group’s opinion. Regulus, for one, is walking along the streets of the city as if he has entered a new dimension where all his dreams are reality. The thing is that the city is really leaning into the ‘Mozart’s home’ aspect, so there is classical music playing everywhere. In front of all the different castles and forts, there is some guy playing the violin. In front of the Mirabel Castle, there’s a piano there with some guy playing expertly Mozart’s Don Giovanni like it’s second nature to him. Remus only knows what song he is playing because Regulus whispers it as they get close enough to hear, as if in awe.

Remus knew that Regulus really liked classical music, but he didn’t know how well he played. Didn’t know that Sirius played too at all.

He finds out that day, before they embark on a train to Prague. They’re lounging at the train station, waiting for their train because they were a little early, when Sirius notices an open space with ‘Musical Space’ written on top. There is a huge piano sitting in the middle, and a bunch of instruments lined up against the far wall: Remus can recognise a bunch of smaller or bigger violins, a few guitars, some brass instruments that Remus could not name for the life of him and a drum set.

“Reggie, look.” Sirius calls, pointing at the space. Regulus turns his gaze towards it, and Remus is surprised to see him smile softly, before looking back at Sirius.

“Do you remember how to play?” he asks his brother softly, who nods.

“Wanna duet?” he grins at Regulus, and not long after, Sirius is sitting on a piano bench, looking at it curiously, like trying to remember a long lost friend, and Regulus seizes a violin next to him, propping it over his shoulder effortlessly.

“Ready when you are.” Regulus tells his brother.

“What are we playing?” Sirius frowns at him, tentatively deposing a finger on one note, making it resonate through the train station.

“Liebesfreud, Kreisler. I’m sure you remember it.” Regulus demands, and Sirius nods quickly. He takes a few deep breaths, and it’s so curious how he looks both foreign to the piano but also so comfortable, like he has been playing his whole life. Remus thinks that with their upbringing, he probably has. It’s insane that with how well he knows Sirius, he didn’t know that about him.

Sirius only nods, counts to four and places his fingers on the piano clavier. Remus almost jumps when the song starts, because he expected it to be slow. No, instead, the song starts right away, with a fast tempo and the rapid move of Sirius’ finger, the perfect cadence of his feet against the pedal. Regulus moves his arc expertly, his eyes closed and focused, and he really looks like the music is transporting him rather than him conducting it. Then, Remus remembers that people usually need music sheets to do music, and that both Black brothers play like they were born to do it, like they could do it in their sleep.

On the contrary to Regulus, who is calm and focused on his violin and on the movements of his arc, Sirius is almost dancing to the song, not missing any notes nonetheless, with a huge grin stretched across his face and bouncing up and down on the piano bench.

It’s only then that Remus thinks to immortalise the moment, because if he hasn’t heard Sirius play in seven years of friendship, then he doubts he’ll ever hear it again, but he also doesn’t want to miss any of the moment by taking out his phone and starting to record. To his relief, Lily is already filming at his right, smiling softly at them.

After about three minutes, a lot of changes in tempo and rhythm, different volumes all throughout the song, with happy and fast moment that contrast drastically with the slow and sadder moments, Regulus does one last complicated looking move with his arc, following by dramatic low notes from Sirius that expressively end the song. Around them, a lot of people cheer and applaud them: mostly tourists, as Remus imagines that the people of Salzburg must be used to the music by now, and Remus whistles loudly with his fingers in his mouth, making Sirius chuckle from his piano bench.

Sirius and Regulus both leave the musical area in direction of Pandora, Dorcas and Xeno for Regulus and in direction of Remus for Sirius, and as soon as he reaches him, Remus pulls him in a kiss.

“I can’t believe you can do that.” He says excitedly. Remus is basically buzzing with pride at that moment. “That was amazing!” yes, suckers, the amazing god-looking pianist is my boyfriend!

“I don’t really like to play, usually.” Sirius smiles at Remus, “But playing with Reg feels amazing.” He grins and looks back at his brother, who is getting praised by his friends, “He’s really amazing.” He smiles.

“Yeah, he is.” Remus agrees, “So are you, that was crazy good!” he tells Sirius, and feels someone tapping on his shoulder.

“Hey, Moons,” James grins at him, “Wanna reunite The Marauders?” he suggests, and Remus feels a laugh bubbling out of his throat.

“That would be insane.” He chuckles, “Pete’s not even here.” He tells James, who nods over his shoulder at Marlene and Dorcas.

“Marlene’s also a guitarist and Dorcas’ a drummer. What do you say!?” James asks excitedly, and Sirius cuts him off.

“Why aren’t you asking me?” Sirius frowns, “I’m the frontman of the Marauders?” he reminds him, and James grimaces.

“There’s no mic.” He shrugs, “Unless you think your voice alone can top the instruments…” he trails off, and Sirius pouts.

“So unfair.” He whines, and James turns his attention back to Remus, ignoring him.

“So? What do you say, Moony?” he grins, “I know you kept practicing the bass even after we gave it all up.” James tries again, and Remus knows that there’s no getting out of this. Not that he wants to anyway.

“Okay.” He shrugs and grins. James basically whoops and walks with a pep in his step to the music stands. Marlene and Dorcas are quick to follow, and within minutes, Remus finds himself standing in front of Dorcas who is sitting at the drums and at James’ left, with a Fender bass over his torso.

They all look at each other, until Dorcas taps four times on the bass drum to signal the beginning of the song. Then, Marlene takes over the guitar intro of ‘I Was Made For Lovin’ You’ by KISS, quickly followed by Remus’ bass and James’ supporting guitar, all over the steady beat of Dorcas’ drum. James moves his fingers expertly at the slide at the end of the intro, when Paul Stanley is supposed to start humming. Of course, it feels a little empty without the voice, but well, there so much a group can do without a mic.

Or Remus thought. The guitar intro continues, during which there usually isn’t any voice anyway, save for the small ‘do-do-do-do-do’, and Remus loves it, loves the glides of Marlene’s guitar that are followed quickly by James’ own, the steadiness of Dorcas’ beat. When the opening line arrives, Remus is surprised – or, really, half surprised, because Sirius never allows himself to be left out – to see Sirius march over their set with a microphone in hand.

Remus has no bloody idea where he snagged that, but feels a thrill down his spine as Sirius’ voice takes over, the song, amplified with the speakers behind them, singing with his beautifully low voice and wild black curls splayed over his back.

“Tonight, I wanna give it all to you” he says in a raspy voice, and that is enough to make Remus grin like an idiot. He looks to his side, and both James and Marlene are grinning, happy to have their lead singer at last.

The song continues with the same intensity that Remus loves, has always loved, and even if he isn’t a professional bassist, he will always love that thrill: the feeling of hearing the sound you and your friends are making and watching the people around them turn their heads curiously.

Remus is happy to find that even after almost six months without any practice, he isn’t too bad. Sure, he misses some notes, and his tempo isn’t exactly in sync with the other’s, but it’s better than nothing. It’s way better than anyone should expect of a band who hasn’t ever played together before.

Come the chorus, Sirius powerful voice singing with everything he has that he was made for loving you, baby, and that he can’t get enough of you, baby. Turning his head to look at Remus as he asks, during the second part of the chorus, if Remus would give it all to him.

Remus nods at him with a small smile and, that apparently is what fuels Sirius to hit the next high notes. He doesn’t go too high, probably afraid of his voice cracking, but Sirius has always had the voice of an angel anyway. He can have a very low and masculine voice as much as his voice can be high and feminine. Remus has always loved Sirius’ voice at night, tired and full of sleep.

Now, he loves a little more Sirius’ whiny and breathy voice asking for more as Remus pulls on his hair, pressing him into the mattress, but he won’t think of that in public. Not when Sirius is singing about love and looking at Remus while he does so, while simultaneously having the face, body and voice of a godlike creature.

Then comes the bass solo, one that Remus has not repeated for, but knows how to do nonetheless. This song is the only one The Marauders ever perfectioned back in school. Remus always practices it, for old times’ sake. Marlene and James’ fingers slider over the chords more expertly than Remus does, when the guitar part comes back, and then, it’s another few choruses of Sirius’ voice getting raspier as he bobs his head and tries to have the same cadence that Paul Stanley has.

Finally, he says that he can’t get enough one last time and they finish their song with Dorcas banging the drums like a madwoman, like the grand finale of a firework show.

By the end of it, Remus is sweaty and happy, hugs with James and kisses Sirius and he thinks of a universe in which this is his life: playing songs with his best friends and listening to Sirius sing for the rest of his life, and managing to make a living out of it.

______________________________________
Interlude: Lily’s pov.

The 14th of September falls on a Saturday this year. It’s Mary’s birthday, and for once, they don’t only wake up in the same room, but in the same bed.

Now, there’s nothing weird about it: between hers and James’ breakup and Xeno being a new addition to their group, the sleeping arrangements changed a little. Pandora, who was sleeping with Mary, with them being the only two single people on this trip, left to sleep in the room Xeno pays for himself, so Lily was left with a choice: continue to sleep in the same bed as James even after they’d broken up, creating a possibly very awkward situation or sleeping alongside her best friend and possibly having lots of fun.

Anyway, now, it’s Mary’s birthday, they’re in a hotel room in Prague, and Lily intends to make the best of her day. Mary is still sleeping; it’s only seven in the morning, but Lily set her Apple Watch to vibrate at 7 so that she would be the only one to wake. She cleans up quickly and walks out of the room fifteen minutes later in search of proper breakfast.

Now, Mary would tell anyone that her favourite breakfast is an English spread, most likely because that’s what she thinks people expect her to say, but Lily knows that her one true love is chocolate waffles. So, Lily goes outside in Prague at 7:15am to find some chocolate waffles for Mary.

It isn’t so long, thanks to the Internet, and around 7:40, she’s back at the hotel room with a hot waffle dripping in chocolate from some artisan and a chocolate crepe for herself, and Mary is still sound asleep. Lily walks over to her suitcase, where she retrieves the gift she got her in an Italian jewellery about a month ago. When she’s ready, she walks back to the bed, where Mary still doesn’t stir.

She’s always been a very deep sleeper, Lily thinks fondly. If she could get up for class in less than twenty minutes back at school, Lily considered it a victory.

So, Lily shakes her a little. Mary always looks so peaceful in the mornings, like she isn’t thinking about anything or anyone, like nothing could bother her, not ever the way Lily shakes her awake. It takes five whole minutes of Lily talking loud and shaking her and opening the blinds for Mary to finally stir. Well, she stirs, only to throw her arm at Lily in a pathetic attempt at a slap.

“Let me sleep.” She mumbles against the pillow in a cracked, low voice that is still full of sleep, at that somehow makes Lily feel a rush of affection for her friend. She smiles and shakes her again.

“Come on, Marykins!” Lily exclaims, “It’s your birthday!” she pushes, and doesn’t miss the way Mary tries to suppress a smile.

“And I wanna spend it in bed.” She grumbles again, but with much less conviction as before.

“You don’t even want to open my gift?” Lily raises her eyebrows at her, “That’s literally so mean of you.”

That, of course, gets Mary to emerge from the covers, “I have a gift?” she grins at Lily, all traces off sleep forgotten.

Lily rolls her eyes, “No, I’m going to let my best friend turn eighteen without gifting her something.”

“Is that a dig at me for not having a gift on your birthday?” Mary asks with eyes narrowed, “Because it’s not fair, the delivery was just late.”

“I know.” Lily widens her eyes at Mary. On the 6th of February, so a whole week after Lily’s birthday, Mary’s finally arrived: a photo album of the three of them with Marlene and a golden necklace.

“I know it’s a bit much, but I just saw it and it made me think of you.” Mary had said with a sheepish smile as she clasped it around Lily’s neck, looking at her through the mirror, “See? It suits you.” She had grinned and walked back to her bed, leaving Lily a little breathless and shocked.

To this day, Lily still hasn’t taken it off. It’s really basic, just a golden chain with a small catholic cross at the end, but it means so much to Lily. More than the cross that makes her feel closer to her faith, it means friendship and love to her.

“I didn’t mean anything by it, was just asking you to wake up.” Lily smiles easily at her and reveals the chocolate covered waffle to Mary, “Happy Birthday!” she grins.

Mary laughs, “Aw, thank you!” she smiles and reaches for it, “You have no idea how bad I’d been craving a waffle. Such a shame we didn’t go to Belgium.” Mary shakes her head and takes a bite of the waffle, almost moaning at the taste, “Ugh, it’s so good.”

“You’re welcome!” Lily grins and takes a bite of her own crepe: it’s still warm, despite the good twenty minutes that passed since she got it, and it’s delicious. Her brain catches up with what Mary said, “Aren’t waffles French?”

“No, they’re Belgian.” Mary corrects with Nutella dripping down her chin, “You’re going to have to know this stuff for when we move in.”

Lily smiles, “You got a little chocolate on your chin.” She undermines – there is chocolate all over her mouth, chin and even nose – and Mary tries to swipe it off with a single finger but really doesn’t get anything off. Lily only chuckles silently, “Yeah, that does it.” She smiles to herself as Mary takes another bite, putting even more chocolate over her face.

It really shouldn’t be this endearing, but well. It is what it is. When they are done with their breakfast, Mary announces that she is going to go freshen up, so that she doesn’t look too horrible should Lily decide to take a picture of her opening her gifts. Lily absent-mindedly thinks that Mary can’t look horrible anyway, but she just lays back on the bed, waiting for Mary to come out of the bathroom.

When she does, she is wearing what is obviously a special occasion outfit: a burgundy lacey top falling over a black satin long skirt. The top is truly beautiful: it’s one of those they bought after the fire in Greece, and it appears Mary had been saving it for her birthday. She hasn’t accessorised yet, but Lily is certain it’ll be pretty anyway.

She comes to sit on the bed in front of Lily, “You really think you’re funny, not telling me about the chocolate, don’t you?” she asks cockily.

“I do, yeah.” Lily nods at her, then smiles, getting the gift from behind her back, “Happy birthday, Mary.” She tells again with a smile.

“Oh.” Mary lets out as she sees the small bag: there’s a small diamond represented on it, and there’s no mistaking it’s a jewellery bag. “Thank you, Lils.” She smiles, before she even sees what it is. She plunges her hand inside the bag and retrieves a small box with dark blue velvet over it.

“Is this a proposal? Because you need to be on your knees for that.” Mary teases, and Lily only shakes her head a looks at her as she opens the small ring box.

Inside is a silver ring with a massive, rectangle shaped burgundy stone in the middle. Mary picks it up, and Lily knows that she can see the letters engraved on it. MMM. Mary Melanie Macdonald.

“I got myself the same.” Lily explains, taking another box from behind her. When she opens it, almost the same ring is there, except that the rock is light green instead of dark red. Her own initials, LJE, are written on it. Lily Juniper Evans. “So that we’re matching.” She grins at Mary, whose expression is unreadable. Something that is so unusual it makes Lily’s skin crawl.

“I mean, if you don’t like it, I can get you something else, really, just say the word and I’ll get you something nicer-“ she rambles, and Mary cuts her off.

“It’s beautiful.” She whispers, her gaze going from her own ring to Lily’s. “I…actually, could we swap?” she asks, and Lily notices that Mary’s eyes look a little glassy, “I’d rather wear your initials than mine.” She adds in justification, and Lily’ eyes widen.

“Oh.” Lily blurts out, “Yeah, of course.” She agrees, and swaps the boxes together. Mary is quick to take the ring and fit it over her middle finger.

“Perfect.” She murmurs and smiles at Lily, “That’s…perfect. The best gift you could’ve given me.” She continues “Thank you so much, Lily.”

Lily smiles at her, “Yeah.” She barely gets out, “Anything for you.” She adds, only to see how Mary smiles sheepishly fidgets with her hands, making her a little shy. In that moment, Lily regrets that her and Mary are basically allergic to physical touch because she really, really wants to hug her. Then, she notices a small tear escaping Mary’s eye.

“I-Mary, are you crying?” she asks, a small smile tugging at her lips.

“Shut up.” Mary chuckles wetly, still staring at the ring, “It’s just so beautiful.”

Lily smirks, “And that’s ten pounds for me.” She says, and her heart feels so warm and full it could burst out of her ribcage.

The feeling thankfully subsides through the day. They visit the main touristic and historical places that Lily usually likes the best in those days, so she’s pretty focused on Prague, and on the Romanesque architecture. After a lovely meal of svíčková na smetaně in a small restaurant along the Vltara, Moody allows them a free afternoon to explore Prague in full liberty, which Lily thinks is perfect for Mary’s birthday.

“Mare, this is your day!” Marlene grins at her after lunch, throwing an arm around the shorter girl’s shoulders, “How do want to spend it?” she asks, and Mary giggles.

“Honestly, I have one request.” She holds her pointer finger up, “We get pissed drunk tonight.” She grins devilishly at them, “I heard the Czech vodka is good.”

“I’m completely on board.” Remus nods after her, and Sirius smirks.

“Can it be your birthday every day?” he asks.

“Count me in.” Pandora nods at them, and when everyone turns to look at her in wonder, she shrugs sheepishly, “I haven’t had my engagement party yet.”

“Fuck, right!” Dorcas swears and claps her hands together, “It’s settled then. Mary’s birthday and Pandora’s engagement party tonight.” She announces with a grin.

“Let’s fucking go!” Marlene bellows, making everyone laugh.

“What are we doing this afternoon though?” James inquires, and Pandora purses her lips.

She looks at Mary guiltily, “I was kind of hoping we could go pick up wedding dresses today?” she admits, “I mean, we can do it some other time, but it’s the one thing Xeno didn’t do because he wanted me to have my dream dress, so I have only eight days left.” She bites her lip when she is done speaking, and Lily thinks that she really looks like she is admitting to a crime with how guilty she looks.

Mary frowns at her, “Are you asking me if it’s okay to go try out gorgeous wedding dresses for my birthday?” she squints, “Panda, that’s like my fucking dream.” She starts to grin, and Pandora breaks out in giggles.

“Well thank God I already made an appointment!” she giggles, making the rest of them laugh. There’s this thing about Pandora that makes everyone so fond of her, like no matter what she does, it will be forgiven because hey, it’s Pandora. Lily really likes that about her.

“Is, uh, everyone required to go?” Regulus asks while looking at her warily, an expression much shared by Remus next to him. Boys, Lily thinks.

“You are, you’re my best man.” Pandora rolls her eyes, then looks at Remus, James and Sirius who are standing in a line like the Daltons. “You can come if you want, but I don’t think you’ll be of much use.” She shrugs, making both James and Remus exhale.

“Oh, thank God.” Remus huffs under his breath, just like James who whispers something else that Lily can’t quite hear under his breath.

“You don’t think our expertise is valuable?” Sirius gapes at her, and Pandora only laughs.

“I don’t, actually. But you’re welcome to join us.”

James shakes his head, “No, we’re having a marauders day instead, aren’t we, boys?” he grins at his friends, who grin back at him.

“Is Sybill coming with you guys too?” Remus asks.

“Oh yeah, maybe Peter will be available!” James grins at them, but Pandora shakes her head.

“No, she didn’t want to. She doesn’t want to be my bridesmaid either.” She shrugs, “It is what it is.”

“Why didn’t she want to?” Lily frowns at her.

“Do you want us to talk to her?” Dorcas asks at the same time Regulus speaks up.

“Do you want me to ruin her life?” he asks, and Lily doesn’t miss the couple of worried glances shot his way.

“No, no it’s fine.” Pandora smiles, “She said I was a little weird and didn’t want to be associated with people like me.” She shrugs, “I like who I am. It’s too bad that she doesn’t.”

“That’s bullshit, she’s just as weird as you are.” Dorcas frowns, “No offense.”

“None taken.” Pandora chuckles, “I don’t really care anyway. I want Flash there with me because he’s my best man, Cassie because she’s my maid of honour, and my three bridesmaids.” She smiles at Lily, Mary and Marlene, “We’ve got to get you some nice dresses!”

So, that’s how they walk to a wedding dresses shop over on Sokolskà Street on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of September. Lily is secretly hoping to be able to try out some wedding dresses herself; after all, being a bride has always been one of her goals, and she almost saw herself fulfilling it when she was with James, so she really wonders how she will look like in a wedding dress.

Her prayers are answered when they walk into the shop: a woman who introduces herself as Hana welcomes them and gives them free reign through the entire afternoon: apparently, Pandora booked the shop for themselves for the entire day. Being a Malfoy surely seems to have some perks.

“I’d like something with lace.” Pandora starts, walking through the rows of dresses with a dreamy look on her face, not even looking at the dresses around her. Regulus and Dorcas are doing the work for her, ruffling through the dresses on either side of Pandora while she describes her dream dress, “I’d like it with a heart shaped collar but also a sheer high neck, see what I mean? I want roses going down the trail and a very long veil, and oh, a sheer lacy thing along the seams. White, obviously, but I wouldn’t mind some pink or green over the flowers. I want something that gives tortured poet of the eighteenth century who lives in a cabin in the forest.”

When Pandora is done listing her criteria, she turns around to face them, “Or really, show me anything you think is pretty. I’m not that picky.” She grins, then giggles, “I’m getting married!”

Then goes on the show. Everyone scatters to every part of the shop, looking for really anything that they think Pandora will like. Lily hates to admit that she doesn’t know Pandora all that well, but she stills looks through the gowns for something that screams fairyland, because Lily is certain that it’s pretty much what Pandora is going for. It’s two hours deep in and after three dresses that Pandora tried, cried about and took off, saying it didn’t feel right that she tells them to try on wedding dresses themselves.

Lily jumps on the occasion, just like Mary and Dorcas who get on their own scavenger hunt to find a pretty dress they really like. It doesn’t take Lily very long: she finds it pretty quickly: long, with tulle embroidered with flowers, off-shoulder sleeves and sweetheart neckline. It has floral lace traps and looks like everything Lily has ever wanted. She doesn’t look at anything or anyone else: only rushes into a dressing room and changes, ready to see the bride she has always wanted to be stare back at her into the mirror. And she does: her ginger hair make the dress look so much more lively, and the lace harmonises perfectly with the freckles adorning her face and body. Lily stares at herself and can’t help smiling: she has been dreaming of looking like this one day in her life, and this is more than she could’ve ever expected.

She takes a few pictures, but her fun is interrupted when Marlene shouts out from the main shopping room.

“Guys! Get your arses back here, Panda’s found it!” she yells excitedly, and Lily rushes, barefoot, into the shopping area. There, is Pandora standing in a highly detailed dress with a sheer bodice and a plunging neckline. It has three-dimension roses over the trail and embroidered flowers all over the tulle, and it just screams fairytale and whimsical, and really just Pandora. She looks like a fairy, which she admittedly always does, but she still does now, grinning like a maniac, with tears streaming down her face and her hair up in a messy ponytail that is wrong in so many ways.

“Oh my God, Pandora, you look amazing!” Lily exclaims, “I can’t believe you found this.” She adds in a dreamy way: if Lily could draw a dress for Pandora, it would be this one. There’s strings tying the décolleté together, kind of like a corset, and the flowers sticking out of the dress have their stems running along the tulle, creating spirals and patterns.

“Only a crazy person wouldn’t marry you in this, Dora.” Dorcas smiles at her, and Lily notices a small tear escaping her eye, “I’m so happy for you.”

“I-I’m s-so h-hap-py too.” Pandora says through her sobs, wiping her nose with a handkerchief that Lily is certain is Regulus’.

“That’s the perfect dress. I can’t imagine you in anything else.” Lily adds, smiling at her through the mirror. Then, her eyes, catch onto something behind her that make Lily’s blood turn cold, then extremely warm. She snaps her body around, and her heart skips a beat upon the sight in front of her: Mary, wearing a long silk wedding gown with an off shoulder and lots of dramatic sculpted folds around the neckline that make the dress look almost architectural. The bodice almost has the shape of a rose, and the length of the dress is close to the skin, defining her curves while still being modest.

The dress is dramatic and gorgeous and just so, so Mary. So beautiful; Lily can’t take her eyes off her. Where Lily thought that Pandora looked like a fairy, Mary looks like a goddess Aphrodite couldn’t hope of ever coming close to. She is obviously wearing heels – Lily doubts Mary is tall enough for the dress to not look like it swallowed her – and it makes her look so much more imposing and elegant, something that Lily really ought to get used to when it comes to Mary.

Lily’s eyes roam over Mary’s frame, over the curve of her hip that the gown follows, her tight black curls held behind her face and her almost black eyes, over her pink tinted lips and the green ring on her finger, the only one adorning her hand. Lily doesn’t really know what it is about this sight that makes her speechless, but she doesn’t feel like she could ever get enough of it. Doesn’t think she could ever divert her eyes.

The thing is that it’s Mary. Wearing a wedding dress. Lily’s brain cannot make sense of the two together. The sight alone is enough for her brain to court circuit.

Lily’s mind is fast to catch up with her over the loud thumping of her heart. She should absolutely not be thinking this way about her best friend. Yes, sure, Mary is pretty, but Lily is certain that friends aren’t supposed to make elegies of their best friends wearing wedding dresses. Aren’t supposed to feel like the world has stopped turning over it.

But an elegy doesn’t necessarily have to do with weird, non-platonic feelings, does it? It can be coming from a place of awe and fondness for a friend, can’t it?

No, the tugging in her heart isn’t for some weird reason. Lily is simply feeling emotional over seeing her best friend in a wedding dress. Over the fact that they’re growing up so fast, and that now, Lily’s best friend is 18 and ready to be married.

“You…” Lily starts, but her voice comes out in a whisper. She clears her throat, “You look gorgeous.” She says, and internally cringes. That sounded so weird, didn’t it? Oh my, Mary is never going to think that Lily is cool after this.

Distantly, a voice in the back of her head tells her that she is eighteen, and should not be worried about whether her best friend of seven years finds her ‘cool’, but Lily ignores it. Especially when Mary is speaking. Chuckling.

“Thank you. So do you.” She smiles at Lily, a smile that Lily never really noticed how stunning it really was. What the hell is happening to her?

“It really…” Lily trails off as she lets her eyes fall back onto Mary’s body. Then, she realises exactly what she is doing, and what it probably looks like on the outside, and snaps her eyes back to Mary’s face quickly, “Pandora’s found a dress.” She grins, almost frantically, pointing at Pandora. When she turns back, she sees that Marlene and Dorcas are looking at them with respectively confused and smug expressions.

“Oh, right.” Mary says, but Lily keeps looking at Marlene and Dorcas. She doesn’t trust her treacherous eyes to not stick themselves back to Mary’s neckline. God, Lily is no better than a man.

A beat passes, until Dorcas smirks at Mary, “Eyes up, Macdonald. Panda’s over there.” She points at Pandora, looking at Mary with knowing eyes.

“Huh?” Mary snaps her eyes back to Dorcas, “Oh.” She blurts out and looks right at Pandora, “That dress is perfect, Pandora.” She tells her with her gossip voice, and somehow, that breaks the weird tension that had settled over the room. “Literally, did you have it made for you? Because first, that’s so you, and two, that’s a piece of art.”

“I agree with her.” Regulus nods at Pandora, “This gown is a masterpiece. The flowers were apparently handmade, it’s incredibly special for a wedding dress.”

Pandora, oblivious to anything surrounding her, only nods while sniffing, “It’s perfect. I’m buying it now.” She says, but doesn’t make any move to go buy it.

When she still doesn’t move, Marlene speaks up, “Uh, Panda?” she prompts, “You want to buy it, don’t you?”

“I do.” She says in a tearful voice, “I really do.”

“Then go do so?” Marlene suggests, and that somehow only makes Pandora sob harder.

“To buy it I have to take it off.” She says, “N-next time I w-wear it, I’ll b-be Mrs L-Lovegood.” She gets out, and bursts into another fit of sobs. In true maid of honour fashion, Dorcas brings Pandora into a hug, letting her get Dorcas’ jacket wet with snot, “I-I’m so h-happy!” she declares.

Lily smiles and looks at her reflection in the mirror, at her wedding dress, then back at her friends around her. Really, Lily doesn’t need to be a bride to be happy; she already is. So, so happy.

__________________________________
That day in Prague ends in a pub, just like most of their nights so far, except that for Mary’s birthday, they go to an extra fancy pub that is also a club and dance all night to mid pop songs while drunk as hell and high on weed. Remus is drunk off his arse and grinding with Sirius on the dancefloor, who is just as drunk and leaning heavily on Remus, looking both horny and tired, something Remus – even drunk – knows is a bad look. That doesn’t stop him from snogging Sirius senseless either way.

They deserve to get drunk off their arses after the day they’ve had. It’s what Remus tells himself the next morning, curing a hangover and getting ready to hop in the train again.

The last day, when Pandora told them that they had an afternoon all to themselves, James, Sirius and Remus decided that it called for a Marauders reunion. So, obviously, they tried to get Peter to join them for once. It did not go as planned.

They found him, as always, arm in arm with Sybill, looking every bit like the boring ass couple they are – yes, after yesterday’s events, Remus does not find it in him to be nice to Peter – and asked him if he wanted to come on a trip around Prague with them, a reunion of sorts.

“Oh, I’m not sure, I don’t want to leave Billy alone.” He had said, looking affectionally at his girlfriend.

Like every normal person, Sirius had laughed at the nickname, “Billy? As in William?” he grinned. Peter did not think to find it funny.

“No, Billy like Sybill.” He had rolled his eyes, “If that’s your way of convincing me to come…” he trailed off, and that’s when Remus wondered exactly why they wanted him to come. But oh, well, Peter was a marauder. It’s what James said, ‘Marauders one day, Marauders always.’ They had to make up with Peter.

“Hey, no, Pete.” James smiled easily at him, “We just miss you, man. Come on, don’t you want to spend a day with your fellow marauders?”

Sybill had scoffed, “The marauders. That is such a ridiculous name.” she said.

Sirius gasped dramatically, putting his hand to his chest, “How dare you?”

“Is that really who you want to spend your life with, mate?” Remus had said jokingly, “A marauders’ hater?”

That, apparently, had been the comment too many. “Yes. I don’t even know who you’re kidding right now, but I was never a marauder.” He rolled his eyes, “Just James’ friend that you two had to deal with.”

“What the hell?” James frowned at him, “No, Pete, of course you’re a marauder. It’s just lately, with you getting into a relationship and all, we didn’t have much time anymore, but we can just spend one afternoon together….” He trailed off.

“Yeah, Pete, of course you’re a marauder.” Remus added, “And not just James’ friend.”

“It would’ve continued that way if you had stayed with the group.” Sirius shrugged, “It’s hardly our fault you decided to run off with your girlfriend.” He said, making Peter huff loudly.

“Oh, so my relationship’s the problem now?” He rolled his eyes, “How come mine is the only one you all can’t deal with? Do we all have to be fucking benders to be accepted in friend groups now?”

“Leaving Peter out because he is with me is heterophobia.” Sybill added, “It’s like the world is upside down. You guys are the weird, disgusting ones, not us.” She said, pointing at Remus and Sirius.

Oh boy. She shouldn’t have. Immediately, Remus lost every ounce of sympathy he still had for Peter. And it seemed to be the same for Sirius.

“What the fuck are you saying, dude?” Sirius rounded on Peter, barely paying any attention to Sybill next to him. “If you’re just a homophobic douche, Pete, then you can just fucking shove it.” He spat.

“We stopped liking you cause you’re a dick, Pete, not because you’re straight.” Remus adds, “Say another fucking word about gay people and I’ll teach you ‘heterophobia’.” He air-quoted, feeling like a version of himself he wasn’t so used to. An angry version of himself.

“Guys, guys, let’s reign it in.” James said in his football captain voice; the one Remus always thought was scary. It worked: both Sirius and Remus let their words hang in the air to let James take the lead.
“Peter, we didn’t leave you out, you decided to leave on your own. Don’t put the blame on us. Sybill, what you did to Pandora was really shitty of you. And what you’re telling my mates right now too.”

Sybill rolled her eyes, “Wasn’t shitty, she’s just a flighty weirdo. I don’t want to stand next to that.”

“Right, you’d rather stand next to a homophobic arsehole who doesn’t know how to think for himself.” Sirius judged, “I imagine you’re agreeing to her every word now that you can’t agree with James all the time.” He looked at him expectantly, and Remus felt exactly what he meant. The number of times Peter agreed with James just because he wanted him to like him. Pathetic.

“No, he agrees with me because he loves me!” Sybill argued like a twelve-year-old girl, “And he will agree when I say that you all should just leave him the fuck alone.”

James had raised his eyebrows, “Is that what you’re agreeing to, Pete?”

He had looked somewhat unsure, in the way he always did when he wanted to disagree with James but still did in the end out of fear of losing his approval, then spoke up, “I am. Leave me alone. You can be ‘marauders’ without me, can’t you? It hasn’t been too hard for you in the last few months, has it?”

So, upon his words, James, Sirius and Remus left him with his homophobia and lack of backbone and had fun of their own. Sirius and Remus were mostly making fun of him, and James spent the afternoon trying to find excuses for him, until he caved and agreed that their friend had just turned into a bad person. Or maybe he had always been, when he thought for himself instead of following James’ goodness.

All of that to say; they got pissed to have fun and bury their friendship with Peter Pettigrew once and for all.

And now, on the fifteenth of September, they get ready to board a train in direction of the memorial of Auschwitz Birkenau. Moody has told them: it’s the most difficult part of the trip; the visit is hard, the horrors that have happened there are unbelievable, but they couldn’t go to Poland without visiting it. Especially not on a history-based trip around the world. It’s part of their job as citizens to remember what has happened in order to do anything in their possible to prevent it from happening again. Even if the visit is heart crushing.

They arrive in the afternoon. The visit lasts three hours, and they aren’t allowed to film anything, which Remus thinks is fair. He wouldn’t feel comfortable filming the place so many people have been tortured and killed. They walk past the gas chambers, past the ‘rooms’ where so many people, humans, used to be crammed into by the SS, past the railway where people came from the train, people who thought that the worse was already behind them. People who died, suffered the loss of loved ones, were starved to death and slaved away only because of their religion. Only because they weren’t who one especially horrible man wanted them to be. All because of hate for others.

The visit makes Remus’ heart heavy, and so impossibly guilty. He doesn’t think he will ever complain about anything ever in his life after seeing this. After seeing the mass of shoes from the people who were deported. After seeing pictures inside the museum of people who looked like skeletons, too skinny to even look human anymore.

Everyone around him is crying, distraught by the horrors humanity is capable of, but Remus notices that Sirius and Regulus aren’t crying. Their reactions are unreadable, somewhere between horrified, sorry and so impossibly guilty. Remus sees a lot of anger on Sirius’ features, an anger that everyone here shares, but probably not as hard as anyone who grew up in the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. A house who shared the same values as the people who inflicted those horrors to millions of people. 6 million of people. A family who thought that these atrocities were justified. Remus imagines that after growing up in this sort of environment, Sirius and Regulus must feel an impossible anger and resentment towards their families, a hatred Remus can’t even imagine.

“You’re not like them.” Remus whispers in Sirius ear when they sit in a cinema room inside of the museum to watch some testimonies from people who managed to make it out alive. The speeches are heartbreaking, the pain and memories are clear on their faces and the stories are worse: hearing the truth of what happened from people who lived it is horrible; all of those people who only survived out of luck, or because they lied over their age. The people who jumped from the train, the people who died in the train, the people who boarded the train with their entire families and came back alone.

Remus is a history nerd, and if he wants to be a history teacher one day, he really has to listen to everything he can hear in here, but it’s hard, and it’s almost too much for him. Almost everything in the history of humanity is despicable, but Remus thinks that this is probably one of the worst things, along with slavery and colonisation. God, humans are so fucked up.

They leave the memorial around four in the afternoon, and without surprise, the ride to Krakow is silent with the horrors of the holocaust hanging over them. For once, the entire Experience Trip group spends the night together in the lobby of the hotel room that is big enough to house the forty-one people group (with the addition of Xenophillius, they are now 41). Moody tells them to talk it out, that a visit like this is obviously hard to digest and that it’s easier if they all talk about how they feel.

Through everybody’s speeches about the extermination camp’s visit, Remus notices that Sirius is extremely silent. He stays that way all through the night, not paying attention to anything and lost in his own mind, until they are finally alone in the comfort of their hotel room around ten that night.

“I hate them so much, Moony.” He finally spits out, lying half on top of Remus. Remus knows that the physical contact helps him open up, so he doesn’t move, only runs a hand over Sirius’ hair, as if petting a dog.

“I know.” Remus whispers.

“They tried to make me believe it was normal.” Sirius says, “I remember. I-I still hear her sometimes.” He continues, his voice breaking, “Toujours Pur, she used to say. What a load of bullshit.” He cries out.

Remus frowns, “Always pure, is it?” he asks, and Sirius nods for confirmation.

“Pure meant white, Christian, straight and cisgender. She used to say it was already bad that we weren’t blondes.” He sniffs, “She was so happy when Cissy dyed her hair.”

A beat passes, “I knew they were fascists, but neo-Nazis…” he trails off in bewilderment.

“I thought Reggie agreed with them.” Sirius cries harder, “I just…he never disagreed. Never said anything against it and then….” He sighs. Then he stayed with them. They both know what he means, but none of them say it.

“He doesn’t. You know that now.” Remus tries, but Sirius only shakes his head. Remus knows; Sirius spent the entire day trying not to cry, and now, he’s opened the gates. He has to let it all out.

“I used to agree.” Sirius sobs out, “I thought they were right. It was when I was ten that I realised it was all bullshit.” He sniffs, “It’s just…I was a racist, horrible kid, because my parents used to tell me that non-white people were gross. And one day, at church, there was a black kid with his parents, and he pulled a silly face at me.” He explains with his eyes closed, as if relieving the memory, “He made me laugh. And when my parents went to see the pastor, I went to talk to him. He made me realise that we were all the same. That there was no difference.” He sniffs.

“My mother saw me talking to him. It was the first time I got beat up so bad I passed out.” He explains, and while all the shit Sirius had to go through breaks Remus’ heart, there’s really nothing he can do except holding him through it.

“I’m sorry, Padfoot.” Remus whispers, and Sirius shakes his head.

“Not your fault. I just…” he sits back up, still picking at Remus’ jumper, “I saw all this…this horrible stuff that happened today, and I realise that this is what my family is supporting. They support death and slavery and induced famine. They…Like, it’s not just a hatred, it’s something that did so much damage already. And they want to add to it.” Sirius says desperately, “Like those millions of Jewish people who died because of their ideology weren’t enough.”

“I know. It’s horrible.” Remus says, “But they’ve been taken care of, haven’t they? Your brother took down their organisation. They won’t do any more wrong.”

Sirius looks up at him with hatred in his eyes, “But they aren’t in jail.” He whispers, “The people who were even more involved in the sect like Bellatrix or Lucius got served right, but my parents got out easy. Only had to pay a million pounds, which isn’t that much for them.”

“Sirius, there’s nothing you can do about it.” Remus tells him solemnly, “The justice system sucks, but honestly, that’s not new. What matters is that they can’t touch you nor Reg now.”

“I wish he had killed them.” Sirius whispers, “Reggie, I mean. I know he could do it. It’s not right of me to hope that, but…” he takes a deep breath, “It feels like they’re still looming over me. It’s stupid, but anytime I do something that would make her mad, I’m scared she’ll come out of nowhere and beat me up.” He murmurs.

“Sirius…” Remus lets out softly, “I understand. But she won’t. You’re safe, now.” He whispers and thumbs the tears away from Sirius’ face, “She can’t reach you now.” He says, then adds, “And no, wishing they were dead doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re an amazing person who wants to be free from their abuser. Even if the freedom is death, even if your abusers are your parents. It doesn’t make you bad, only scarred.”

Sirius sighs and falls back into Remus’ arms like a baby, “You know me too well.” He murmurs and closes his eyes, “I just want to sleep now, if it’s okay?” he says tiredly, and Remus only nods.

“Yeah.” He whispers and settles back onto the covers more comfortably. Remus pets Sirius’ hair tranquilly until he falls asleep, and even then, Remus makes sure he is calm, that no nightmares of his past are taunting him before going to sleep himself.

_________________________________________

They reach Warsaw the next day after an express visit of Krakow in the morning where they saw the Rynek Główny. In Warsaw, the vibes are still a little off, because everyone is still shaken from the visit of the last day, but it is still agreeable anyway: the weather is getting colder and greyer, and Remus is delighted to be able to wear his big wool jumpers again. Sirius is also wearing one of Remus’ jumpers; the maroon one Hope knitted him two years ago.

They see the skyline and the castles, but mostly shop for souvenirs to bring back home and warmer clothes for the end of the trip. Remus isn’t one to shop a lot, but he finds a brown leather jacket that he mostly buys because Sirius’ mouth drops when Remus puts it on over his cream jumper. He also buys Timberland shoes that look good for winter, but mostly because he thinks he will find occasions to wear them at Cambridge.

The more days pass, the more his first day at Cambridge approaches. Remus is scared shitless; he was accepted, but what if he still doesn’t have the level? It’s one of the most prestigious schools ever, and he’s just one Remus John Lupin. Maybe he should have spent the last six months revising rather than galivanting around the world like a reckless idiot. He doesn’t even have much ready: he and Sirius called for the flat they found the other day back in Türkiye, but they don’t legally have it yet, Remus doesn’t have his books, or supplies, or furniture; hell, he’s not even in the country right now!

Remus is panicking the entire day, and he’s even considering going home now to prepare for university. At dinner that day, eating shit pizza in a small parlour in Warsaw, Remus tells Lily about it. He figures, out of everyone present here, she’s the most likely to understand.

“Lils, did you know that the back-to-school date for Cambridge is on the seventh of October? I mean, it’s so early! And it’s not counting freshers’ week, which I will most likely spend still in Iceland or something. God, Lily what if it ruins my semester? I don’t even have a flat yet; I’m so doomed. How do I do?” he tells her in a panicked way, and she only stares at him amusedly. Marlene, who is sitting next to her, speaks up.

“You’re spending way too much time with Sirius, you’re becoming almost as dramatic as him.” She says, and Remus only gapes at her.

“I have a right to be dramatic! I’m not ready at all for uni, and disclaimer, it’s starting in like two weeks. I don’t even know what major I’m going to take!” he shouts out.

“Rem, it’s going to be fine.” Lily rolls her eyes fondly, “Do you know how it’s going for me? My back-to-school date was two weeks ago. I don’t have a flat, I have no idea which major I’m going to take, I don’t even speak French.” She shrugs, “You don’t see me panic over it, now, do you?”

Remus stares at her blankly, “Well. You should be. Do you think you’ll even be able to catch up?”

Lily returns the stare, “Man, It’s like the first month. It’s not like they’ll have invented rocket science already.” She shrugs, “Also, I know a guy who goes there. He said that for now, they had fresher’s week with everyone drunk off their arses in class, and another week when everyone caught the fresher’s flu and no one was even in class. I think teachers know that, and classes don’t really start until, like, now.” She shrugs.

“So you’ll just have two weeks to catch up?” Remus asks her.

“Yeah. It’s doable. And for the flat, well.” She shrugs, “I don’t even know if I want to take a dorm on campus or a flat in Paris.”

“I don’t think you’ll be able to find a flat in Paris.” Regulus says, adding himself to the conversation, “They’re extremely rare and expensive.” He tells her.

“And what do you suggest, Little Black?” Lily raises her eyebrows at him. It’s not very visible, but Lily looks irritated when she looks at him, and it makes Remus think back to the night she and James broke up. He never got word of what really happened, but he’s certain that a Black was involved in their decision.

He raises his eyebrows back at her, “I own a few flats. I could be your landlord.” He shrugs at them with a bored expression, like he didn’t just offer Lily everything she wanted.

“Really?” Lily gapes at him, “You wouldn’t mind?”

“No.” he shrugs, “It’s illegal for me not to ask rent, but like, one hundred euros a month will do.” He says, “They’re sitting vacant otherwise.”

Remus frowns at him, “Aren’t you seventeen? How do you even own them?”

“I changed my parents’ possessions to my name. It’s entirely legal, and they don’t even know about it.” Regulus drawls, “It’s crazy how many things people don’t notice when they are busy destroying other people’s lives.”

“That’s so badass of you, Reggie.” Marlene nods at him, “Do you own everything they have?”

He shakes his head, “Sirius owns half of it. He doesn’t know that though.”

Remus frowns at him, “Aren’t you going to tell him?” he prompts confusedly.

“He would know if he bothered to go to the bank once in a while.” Regulus shrugs, “You can tell him, if you wish.”

“I-Sure?” Remus says confusedly.

“So do your parents own nothing?” Lily asks curiously.

“Didn’t they need to sign some sort of contract for them to pass their entire belongings onto you?” Marlene inquires.

“They own their weapons. Every knife, dagger or gun is theirs. If they kill or torture someone, it can’t be linked to me.” He explains calmly, “They did sign it. They just didn’t bother to read it.”

“You really thought of everything, didn’t you?” Marlene says with something akin to admiration.

He stares blankly at her, “Only an idiot wouldn’t have thought of it”

So, that’s how Lily found a flat for her and Mary. Funny how things work, isn’t it?

Remus thought about it, then realised that he could not hold this information from Sirius. He has to know just how wealthy he is, it’s only fair. So, that night, after dinner, Remus tells him what Regulus said.

“WHAT?” Sirius bellows, “You’re telling me that I own half of my parent’s possessions?” he asks Remus with wide eyes.

“If I understood correctly, it’s more of a co-owning with Regulus.” He says, and Sirius only shakes his head. He digs his phone out of his pocket and connects himself onto his bank app.

“I never go there.” He shrugs, “I know I got money; I don’t need to check that it’s still there. Or that I may have my parent’s estate as well.” He shakes his head in disbelief.

“Well, it’s what Regulus said.” Remus shrugs, “If it’s true, you won’t have any trouble getting your tattoo parlour.” He tells Sirius, who immediately grins at him.

“And you’ll let me pay rent entirely for the flat?” he asks expectantly.

Remus rolls his eyes, “No. But you can pay the taxes.”

“That’s already that.” He shrugs. At that moment, the bank app finally finishes to load and shows an exuberant number of pound sterling. “Holy shit, it’s true.” He whispers. Sirius goes through all of his bank accounts and finds half of his parent’s patrimony there, black on white on his phone. “Moony, I’m rich as fuck.” He giggles.

“God, I knew I made the right friends.” He shakes his head, “Imagine if I befriended Arthur Weasley?”

“Hey! You don’t even let me spoil you.” Sirius chuckles, “Also, ‘friends’? Really, Moons?”

“Rich friend, right, sorry.” Remus teases, “Almost forgot the main information.”

Sirius then discards his phone and climbs onto Remus’ lap, “Friend?” Sirius asks and bits onto Remus’ earlobe. He rolls his hips onto Remus’ lap, making Remus’ dick awaken. Sirius chuckles at the twitch of Remus’ cock, “Someone sure seems happy to see their friend.”

“Best friend.” Remus corrects cockily. He rolls his hips upwards onto Sirius’, just to make his breath hitch. He thinks about it, and yeah, it must have been two or three days until they even touched under the clothes. That has to be remedied right away.

“Hmm, right.” Sirius moves his lips to Remus’ jaw, biting a little there too, “You get hard for your friends now, do you?”

“Obviously.” Remus rolls his eyes with a smirk, “Especially for one special friend.” He says and tries to capture Sirius’ lips in a kiss, but Sirius pulls back teasingly, not letting their lips touch.

“I still hear friend, Moony.” He tuts and shakes his head, while simultaneously rolling his hips onto Remus’ dick that is now fully hard, just like Sirius’. Remus puts his hands on Sirius’ hips and pulls him back down to create more friction that Remus desperately needs, and he hears Sirius hum lowly. “You do that for all your friends too?” he asks, and he is basically dry humping Remus now without any shame.

The arousal is starting to be a little too much for Remus, so he gets his hands on Sirius’ jean button to take it off. His hands are quickly intercepted by Sirius’.

“Answer me first.” Sirius asks, pinning Remus’ wrists to the bed on either side of his hips.

“I don’t.” Remus says, and that’s enough for Sirius to relent his hold on Remus’ wrists. He undoes Sirius’ jeans and his own quickly, and it’s not long until they are back to dry humping in their underwear. Sirius finally lets Remus kiss him, and they stay like that, rolling hips and tongues sliding, until their kisses turn more frantic and desperate, until their underwear aren’t dry anymore.

Sirius detaches his mouth from Remus’ and moves it downwards over Remus’ body, kissing his nipples and licking over the mean scars. When he comes to the moon tattoo, he runs his tongue over it enough times for it to turn purplish.

“You let your friends blow you, do you?” Sirius arches an eyebrow at him before getting to kiss Remus’ inner thighs. Sirius knows damn when that this area is very sensible, and that every touch of Sirius’ mouth makes Remus inhale sharply and whine somewhat pathetically.

“Only you.” Remus gets out after a minute, when Sirius still doesn’t mind Remus’ hard and red cock that looks – and is – painful.

“Your friend?” Sirius asks cockily and kisses the very tip of Remus’ cock teasingly.

“Boyfriend.” Remus exhales over the pressure in his abdomen. That makes Sirius take him entirely, bobbing his head slowly, which Remus knows is his way to make Remus even more riled up.

“I still hear friend, you know, Moony.” Sirius smirks at Remus when he pulls off. He gets back to it but much more slowly and frustratingly.

“My Sirius.” Remus tries to make him get to it faster, for Sirius to stop teasing, but it has the contrary effect.

Sirius pulls off and grins at Remus, “That’s my name?”

“Oh my God, just get to it.” Remus groans and lets his head fall back onto the pillow. “I’ll just wank if you don’t.” he threatens. Immediately, Sirius takes a hold of Remus’ hands.

“Don’t you dare.” He warns and takes Remus in fully, bobbing his head expertly, just like he knows Remus loves.

“Thank you- oh” his breath catches, “You’re perfect.” He exhales, letting the pleasure fill his body. Then, of course, Sirius pulls back.

“Tell me who I am for you.” He demands and gets back to it slowly. It’s excruciating, but Remus knows that Sirius knows that Remus loves it.

“My love.” He says, and Sirius hums around Remus, going a little faster, “My favourite person on earth.” He says over quick breaths, because Sirius is finally giving him what he wants, and Remus doesn’t want him to stop. So, he continues, “Cariad.” He breathes out without thinking, and doesn’t miss the way Sirius’ eyes snap back up to Remus’ face, making him look every bit like a sin, “The love of my- fuck- life.” He blurts out, and it seems to be what Sirius was waiting for. He goes faster and faster, and it’s a matter of seconds before Remus is spilling inside of Sirius’ mouth.

When Sirius has had his turn and that they’re both cleaned up, in a post orgasm heavy state, Sirius looks back at Remus with a small adoring smile.

“Call me that again?” he asks gently, making Remus frown.

“Call you what? My friend?” he asks confusedly. It earns him a swat on the arm.

“Not friend, you idiot!” Sirius chuckles, “No, the other one.” He asks, biting his lip.

Remus racks through his mind, then realises what Sirius means. “Oh.” He blurts out, “Cariad.” He says, and watches as Sirius’ smile widens and his cheeks heat up.

“I really like it.” He murmurs. Then, he presses a kiss to Remus cheek, cuddling closer to him, “You’re the love of my life too.” He whispers.

Remus kisses him back and closes his eyes. He settles comfortably on the bed with Sirius in his arms and thinks that really, life could hardly ever get better.

_____________________________________
They visit Warsaw’s museums and Wilanów’s castle the next day. It reminds Remus of Versailles, with all the windows and overall luxury that make some of them, like Sirius, Regulus, Dorcas or Pandora have no trouble looking like they belong, but others like Remus look like he isn’t proper enough for it. Man grew up on a farm, and now he’s walking around castles. Seems crazy to Remus.

The day is fun, the picture Remus posts that night on his Instagram is a picture of Mary and Lily smiling at the camera in front of a painting of an old royal that was probably an horrible person, as far as eighteenth century monarchs go.

They board a train that night for six hours in direction of Berlin, where they will spend the next two days before starting the last era of their trip. Remus is kind of happy to come to Berlin, and the legalised weed has nothing to do with that. Though, that night, after a full day of German history, looking at the Reichstag and the Brandenburg Tor, walking over to Alexander Platz and eating currywurst, he, Sirius, James, Marlene and Dorcas get high off their arse on a rooftop in Berlin.

It's really Remus’ favourite kind of evening. They’re all lying under the barely visible stars because of luminous pollution and clouds, high as kites and giggling for everything and nothing. Some of Dorcas’ US rap is playing in the background, and at some point, a couple of German kids who probably wanted to smoke on their own join them. They speak English so well it takes Remus a minute to understand that they aren’t actually British, but they’re good fun and have better pot than what Sirius and James managed to buy on the go earlier.

The night ends in a repeat of a few nights ago, with Sirius and Remus high and having messy, laughing sex on the rug next to their bed in the hotel room.

The next day in Berlin, last day overall, is freer, and they get on a challenge to try as many beer as they can in Berlin. Remus doesn’t even like beer, but at five in the afternoon, he is seven beers deep; from lagers to ales, from Dortmunder to Weissbier. He isn’t even drunk – please, as if he could get drunk on beer – but he feels bloated and still curing a headache from the weed of the day before.

Everyone feels the same way, so they call it an early night and go to their hotel rooms early enough to get some rest before the plane to Helsinki. Remus goes on his phone for a little bit, answers some messages and posts the picture of the day on his Insta, until he just locks his phone and goes to sleep. Of course, that’s when Remus’ mother decides to call.

“Hey mum.” He says through the phone sleepily.

“Remus, are you in Berlin right now?” he asks, and she sounds so serious it makes Remus sit back up.

“Yeah? Why? Is there another fire going on?” he inquires with furrowed brows.

“Blimey, I thought you were in Poland!” she exclaims, “I just saw your post, you won’t believe it!” she giggles, and it just makes Remus frown more.

“Believe what?” he asks warily.

“I’m there too!” she declares, making Remus’ jaw drop.

“I-what? How come?” Remus questions, now fully awake, headache completely forgotten.

“Oh, business stuff; there’s a German yogurt brand who wants our milk, I went to meet with them.” She explains, “Where are you, I want to see you now!” she exclaims, and Remus can imagine the smile stretching over her face.

He thinks back to the dream he had a couple of weeks ago and he knows. If he sees her today, he has to tell her everything. That’s not a lot of pressure, now, is it?

Of course it had to be on the day he drinks too many beers after smoking two joints the night before. Of bloody course.

“Uh, wait.” He tells her and looks at the pamphlet the hotel gave them, “We’re on Oranienburger street. Where are you?” he demands.

“Oranienburger, Oranienburger…” she repeats, probably looking over a map, “Oh, it’s just a few streets over. I’m near Alexander Platz, do you want to meet up in a café, or at either hotel room?” she asks, and he thinks it over. Probably, having this kind of revelations in a public space isn’t such a great idea. Hotel room seems safer.

“Hotel room, if you don’t mind?” he asks, “We have a small kitchenette here, it’ll be cosier.” He suggests, and he almost hears her nod.

“Right. Okay, I’ll be right over. Room number?”

“342.” He says, “Okay, see you.” He hangs up quickly and looks around the room. There’s a bunch of clothes thrown around, the bed is thankfully done thanks to room service, but the lube and condoms are still very much on display on top of Sirius’ bedside table. He quickly tidies everything up, careful to hide anything he wouldn’t want his mother to see. He does a small google research; it takes eighteen minutes to walk over to here, so he will probably have enough time to hide the distinct smell of weed that is hanging to his clothes from the day before.

Sirius walks out of the bathroom completely naked at that moment. Remus almost screams out in stupor.

“Wow, what’s got your knickers in a twist like that?” Sirius asks, then wriggles his eyebrows, “Still not used to seeing the goods?”

“Fuck, Sirius, my mother’s on her way!” he screams out hysterically, “I’m gonna-fuck GET SOME BLOODY CLOTHES ON!” he shouts, making Sirius panic.

“Holy shit, I’ve never seen you so panicked.” He rambles as he puts some boxers on, “If only I knew it made you this hot I would’ve done it before.” He says, “Fuck, Hope’s coming? How is she even in Germany?”

“I don’t – some business stuff apparently, fuck!” he shouts out, “I have to tell my mum that I’m gay, that I have a boyfriend and that I love her.” He groans, “That’s so much to do in a day.”

Sirius chuckles, “You’re becoming so dramatic, Moons.” He grins, “It’s going to be fine, you know Hope’s like the second best mum in the world.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He sighs, “Can you pretend that I’m dead?”

“No, Remus, we don’t have time for you to become a dramatic bitch, there’s so much things to clean still.” He moves over to the kitchenette, where a box of pot cookies they bought earlier is sitting, “Do you want your mum to eat those?”

“Oh fuck, no.” he says with horror on his face, “We have so much work to do.” He says, when knocks are heard on the other side of the door.

Sirius and Remus look at each other in alert and take a deep breath each. Remus still doesn’t feel ready, but he still opens the door to greet his mother.

Hope Lupin looks the same she always did. Small, a fake blonde with hazel eyes and a warm smile. Remus’ mum. The Creator.

“Hey mum!” He greets and pulls her in a hug. It feels weird already, because he hasn’t hugged her since, like, Christmas of the year before, so almost a year ago. That’s a great way to start, isn’t it?

“Remus!” she smiles at him and ruffles his hair, even if she has to stand on her tiptoes and straighten her arm completely to reach it. “I’m so happy to see you.”

“Me too, mum.” He grins, then looks over his shoulder to where Sirius is standing awkwardly, “Er, Sirius is here too.” He says, and Hope smiles at him as well.

“Sirius, love, I’m happy to see you too!” she hugs him too. “I hope you’ve been taking care of that one?”

Sirius grins wickedly, “Oh don’t you worry about that, Hope.” He says, then schools his features back to normal, probably after the death stare Remus threw at him, “He mostly takes care of himself anyway.” He mumbles.

“Don’t I know it.” She sighs, “Barely ever needs his mum anymore.”

“Mum.” He groans, but she only waves him off. Of course, she likes Sirius best. He knew that, doesn’t know how he forgot about it.

“Oh, I’m sure Sirius knows more about you than I do anyway.” She says, which in reality is very true. It’s sad, but Remus knows that she doesn’t really have a clue about who he is.

“No, no, you have the real tea, Hope. You know how he was as a small child.” He grins at her, and she gets that look she has when she is about to embarrass him. So, he swoops at his own rescue.

“Speaking of tea, anyone want one?” he asks, and without surprise, Hope looks up.

“Oh, chamomile if you have it?” she smiles at him, “Thanks, love.” She says, then turns back to Sirius, analysing him more closely.

“You’re wearing one of my jumpers!” she exclaims, and Remus feels his blood run cold. “Oh, but that one is Remus’, isn’t it?” she asks, and Remus knows he is busted. No pair of guy friends wear each other’s wool jumpers. That’s like one the gayest thing one can do.

“Oh, er, yeah.” Sirius mumbles, “It, uh, was the first thing I saw lying around.” He explains, then grabs the hems, “I’ll just change if you think it’s weird.” He starts to take the jumper off, but Remus snags his wrist, letting the jumper fall back in place.

“No. It’s fine. Isn’t it Mum?” he asks, and makes a face at Sirius.

“Oh, yes it’s no issue.” She nods.

“So you don’t need to get shirtless in front of my mum, Pads.” He reprimands, and Sirius bites onto his lip, probably trying not to laugh. They still have this ongoing joke that Sirius thinks Remus’ mum is hot. Remus does not need to have any visual intel.

Hope giggles, “You’re making me feel young.” She jokes, then sits at the small table in the kitchenette. “So, tell me, what have you been up to?”

“Oh well, here, er.” Images of last night flood back onto his mind. The weed, then the messy sex they had a few metres from where Sirius is currently standing. “We tried beer, mostly.” He says. Alcohol is a safe topic, isn’t it?

Didn’t he say he was going to tell her the truth today?

Hope laughs, unaware of his internal dilemma, “That’s what Germany’s really all about isn’t it?” she chuckles.

If he tells her everything, she might judge and hate the person he’s grown into. She might regret risking a part of her body for him.

“Of course, why else would we be here?” he says jokingly, “No, really we went to see the Reichstag yesterday, and all the other important places.” He adds, just to show that they aren’t just fucking around.

If he doesn’t tell her, she might get even sadder that he isn’t telling her anything about his life. They might even lose contact after a while, because of how little Remus is willing to share with her.

“Of course.” Hope nods, “You’re on this trip to learn, as well as having fun, after all.” She says, and it sounds almost formal, like she doesn’t know how to talk with him. Her own son.

If he doesn’t tell her, it might lead to a lifetime of formal conversations that sound like strangers rather than mother and son relationships.

“Yeah.” He says, then clears his throat, looking for something else to say, “I got you and Dad a bunch of stuff from all over the world.” He smiles.

He thinks of all the people’s testimonies of the holocaust he saw yesterday. All those people who would’ve killed for just one more occasion to have a family.

“Oh, that’s lovely of you, Remus. We’re supposed to be spoiling you, you know?” she tells him fondly.

Remus has everything to have a family. A real one where people actually know the other. All he has to do to have it is to be honest.

“You deserve it.” He tells her, and he knows, at that moment, that it’s now or never. They have to talk about all the stuff they haven’t talked about since he was nine years old. They have to, or he’ll never forgive himself.

“Mum, could I talk to you about something, actually?” Remus asks before he loses his nerve. He risks a glance towards Sirius, who immediately understands. He stands upright, masters his posture and rubs his hands over his jumper as if to iron it out.

“What is it, love?” Hope cocks her head in that way of hers that shows she is listening.

“I…er. Okay, here it goes.” Remus inhales, then lets the words fall with his exhale. “I’m gay.” He drops the bomb, looking squarely at his mum, “I wanted you to know.”

“Oh, Remus.” Hope smiles fondly at him and stands up from her chair to bring him in a hug. Despite everything, his mother’s hugs are still the best ones in the planet. “I’m happy you’ve told me. I love you, no matter what.” She says, and it hurts.

“I…” Remus tries, but the words die in his throat. He clears it, opens his mouth again, but then, he sees it again in a flash; the hospital room, Hope convulsing, Lyall blaming him. As if the three words were a spell ready to fire and make it all happen again. He isn’t ready yet.

He buries his nose in his mother’s hair and inhales: it smells like apples and home, like the countryside in Wales and like bacon on a Sunday morning. He pulls back from the hug to look at Sirius, who is standing there with a loving and caring expression, one that Remus knows and finally believes is reserved for him only.

“I’m glad you know.” He smiles weakly, “I, uh. I have a boyfriend.” He blurts out. Might as well, he thinks.

Hope smirks, “I think I can imagine who it is.” She says, and turns to Sirius, “You’re taking good care of him, then?”

“Always.” Sirius grins back at her charmingly, making Remus roll his eyes.

“How does everyone already know before we can even tell them?” He asks, and Hope only smiles at him.

“The way you look at him.” She says, “Your father has the same eyes when he looks at me.”

“Aw. That’s sweet.” Sirius smiles.

“It’s something, isn’t it? Being loved by a Lupin?” Hope asks Sirius with a glimmer in her eyes.

Sirius grins at her, “Better than anything I could’ve hoped for.”

“Well, I’m very happy for you both.” Hope smiles sweetly at them, “Since when has this been going on?” she asks, and Remus grimaces.

“28th of June, officially.” Remus says, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“But Moony’s been in love with me for years.” Sirius adds teasingly, batting his eyelashes and smiling at them. It works; Hope bursts out laughing.

“Oh, I knew it!” she laughs, “I remember when you came around the farm, Sirius.” She says, and Remus already groans behind his hands.

“Ugh, Mum!” he reprimands, but she waves him off.

“He was so stressed! I had never seen his room so clean before.” Hope chuckles, “He even taught Snuffles how to turn around on himself to impress you.”

“You didn’t!” Sirius exclaims with a laugh on his lips.

“Oh shut up!” Remus gapes at them, affronted, “I was young!”

“Like you wouldn’t do it again.” Sirius raises his eyebrows at him, and Remus only shakes his head at him.

“You wouldn’t be impressed by a dog’s trick anymore.” Remus rolls his eyes, “I’d have to prepare a whole bloody circus show.”

Sirius nods, “That would entertain me, yeah.” He agrees, and Hope speaks back up.

“How come you waited so long to tell him?” she asks her son, “I can see he’s just as smitten as you.”

Remus chuckles, “He was ‘straight’ at the time.” He shrugs, “Couldn’t very well do anything about it.”

“And I’ve apologised for my confusion.” Sirius adds with a smile.

“I’m so very happy for you, kids.” Hope smiles at them. Then, there’s a small silence during which Sirius realises the time.

“I’m going to go get us some dinner?” he suggests, “Pizza’s fine for everyone?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Remus smiles at him. He was kind of hoping for some time alone with her, and he’s certain that this is most of the reason why Sirius is leaving.

“That’d be lovely, thank you.” Hope nods, and within seconds, Sirius is out the door with his phone and wallet.

“You’re really fine with it?” Remus asks her again, now in private, mostly to appease the few fears remaining in his brain telling him she won’t talk to him again after she walks out of the hotel room.

“Of course I am.” Hope frowns at him, “You’re my son, Remus. There’s nothing you could do that would make me love you less.”

Remus looks at her, then back at the counter in between them. “I…” He tries, but nope, still too soon. Instead, Remus takes a deep breath and decides to be the most honest he has ever been. Not since he was nine at least.

“I’ve realised that I kept my life awfully private from you and Dad in the last few years. And, well, now that I’m leaving for university, I don’t want to keep being this way.” He explains, “I want you to be a part of my life again.” He continues, trying to make his feelings as clear as possible.

“Oh.” Hope says, then smiles, “Of course, I’d love to know more about you, dear. There’s nothing I’d love more.” She agrees, and that’s one less fear crossed off Remus’ list. If Hope didn’t even want to hear from him more.

“Great.” Remus smiles, “I’m glad that’s settled.”

A beat passes, and Hope leans over the counter to look more closely at him, “Can I ask though… why have you kept to yourself so much? You were such a lively and extraverted kid, but since the accident…”

Remus had been expecting this question. He takes a deep breath and readies himself. He did say full honesty, didn’t he?

“I felt guilty over the accident. It was my fault, my fault we had to go to the hospital, my fault you lost your leg, my fault you had to hire help for the farm…” he trails off, then sighs, “I was already such a burden to you and Dad. I didn’t want to bother you with my life as well.” He shrugs, “I guess it was just easier to create distance so that I wouldn’t feel like too much of a burden.”

Hope frowns at him in concern, “Oh love.” He breathes out and takes his hands in hers, “Remus the accident wasn’t your fault.” She says, “It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Just a wolf who shouldn’t have been there.” She explains forcefully, as if the more eloquent she is, the most likely it is to enter his mind.

“You can’t blame yourself for this, Remus. I lost my leg because I’d rather lose a part of my body than lose my son. And we were going to hire help for the farm anyway, that doesn’t have anything to do with the accident.”

“Yeah, but if I didn’t go to the forbidden part of the forest, it wouldn’t have happened, would it?” Remus argues. He knows it’s fruitless, but he has always believed it was his fault. It’s hard to see it any other way.

Hope, however, only frowns, “You didn’t – Remus, do you remember what happened that day?” she asks him seriously, more seriously than Remus has ever seen her.

“Yeah.” Remus frowns back at her, “We were looking for mushrooms, and I wanted to win the competition, so I went into the part of the forest you and Dad told me was dangerous to find a pretty mushroom. And when I went there, there was a mushroom and a wolf.” He explains matter-of-factly.

“That’s not what happened.” Hope whispers, “No, Remus, you went looking for a mushroom, and I was there with you. I never left you alone that day. And it wasn’t some restricted part of the forest; it was just somewhere with darker vegetation.”

Remus racks through his brain, but he doesn’t see it: his memories remain the exact same. It was a long time ago, so he only remembers a few distinct images: a red mushroom on dark green leaves. A grey wolf with yellow eyes jumping on him. And that’s pretty much it.

“No.” he whispers, “I was alone. And I went into the forest, no it was my fault.” He shakes his head. It’s the one thing he has believed his entire life. The one this he held onto. The scars across his chest are his own fault. The wooden leg his mum has to wear is his fault. His fault, his fault, his fault.

“It wasn’t.” Hope says more forcefully, “Did no one tell you what happened when you woke up?”

He shrugs, “No. They all assumed I knew, and I didn’t know how to ask.”

“Fuck, and I thought they had told you while I was still in the coma.” She sighs, “Listen to me now. I was with you that day. We were looking for mushrooms, you found one, and when you turned around to tell me, a wolf jumped on you. Its cubs were nearby, and it felt threatened. When you screamed, I screamed as well, and I think the wolf saw me as a bigger threat than you and left you to attack me. That’s why your scars are just scratch marks. The wolf never managed to actually open you up.”

“Well, it did cut open your arteria, which is why you were declared dead for a while. Because you had lost so much blood that your pulse was weak enough for the paramedic to think it was non-existent.” She explains more in detail, but Remus really only cares about his mother.

“But what happened to you? I always thought you yanked the wolf off me.” Remus asks in a small voice. He had really always believed that his mum had decided to fight it, not that the wolf jumped on her as well.

Hope shakes her head, “No, see, I think, because I was bigger than you at the time it saw me as bigger a threat.” She gestures with her hands as she talks, “It was angry. It tried to bite me, but I countered it. I don’t remember exactly, because I was full of panic and terror, but I know that it ended up biting hard on my leg, and I knew that it was the best thing I could get from this, so I let it. It pulled it off, I passed out from the pain, and I woke up a few weeks later in a hospital room.” She explains calmly.

“Your father was already looking for us at that moment, because of some stupid thing, I don’t even remember, so it wasn’t too long until he got to the scene. And, well, with the screams I suppose it wasn’t too hard.” Hope explains, “Once the beast had my leg, it was satisfied and left us alone. Or, well, when your father arrived at the scene, the wolf wasn’t there anymore. So I suppose that with us both unconscious, it dismissed us as a threat.” She finishes her story, and Remus can only stare at her in astoundment.

“How can…” he trails off, “I just.” He tries again, and when he doesn’t manage to formulate his thoughts, he takes a few deep breaths, “There wasn’t a forbidden part of the forest?”

Hope shakes her head, “Not that I remember of. Or maybe you’re confusing it with some places we used to tell you not to go to because it was dark, and you would get nightmares.” She smiles softly, “Remus, it wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. Sometimes, things are just out of our control.”

“But…” he breathes out. Nothing makes sense. He wasn’t supposed to be where the wolf was. His mum lost her leg because she fought the wolf off Remus. That’s the version he has been used to his whole life; it was his fault. Everything was his fault. The wooden leg his mother has is his fault. Not just bad luck.

He realises only when his back hits the wall behind him that he was walking. His head is shaking, something he didn’t notice either. The slashes over his chest are his fault, because he was where he wasn’t supposed to be.
Not because he had the bad luck of walking across a wolf in his parents’ forest when he was only a child. That version was too good to be true. That version meant that Remus wasn’t to blame.

Then why had Remus’ father blamed him? If it was just horrible circumstances, then Lyall had no reason to blame him.

“Dad.” Remus whispers, “He said it was my fault.” He says slowly, “I heard it.” He continues, as if it was underlining his point, “I’m not crazy, I heard him.”

Hope frowns at him, “I-when?” she asks.

Remus keeps on shaking his head, the images too clear in his mind. A dark hospital room with only the red glow of the machines illuminating the room. The door not completely closed. His father’s voice on the other side of it blaming him.

But now, he isn’t sure of the words he heard. If his mind was able to modify his memories of the accident, then why wouldn’t it be capable of modifying that as well? Maybe he dreamed it all. Maybe his entire life, his entire belief system is based on one false memory.

“When I woke up in the hospital.” Remus whispers, trying to hold onto what he remembers. What he has known to be true all his life until now. “He was talking to a doctor, and he said that he blamed me. That it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone to the forest.”

“Remus, love, I don’t know what happened, but I can tell you that it wasn’t your fault.” Hope repeats, “If he said so, which I doubt, it was out of shock. He doesn’t believe it’s your fault. I can ask him, if you want, but I know he didn’t mean it.” She continues, as if saying it as many times as possible would make it easier for him to believe. It doesn’t.

“I’m not crazy, I heard him!” Remus shouts out, “He said that he blamed me! I remember, I’m not bloody insane.” He repeats, and he knows he probably looks insane as he says it. Ironic, isn’t it?

Hope takes his hands and holds them tightly, as if she was scared he would do something drastic with them, “Okay, okay, I believe you. Maybe he said it. But, honey, have you always meant every word you’ve ever said?” she asks, looking at him gently.

She looks too serene. Remus hates it. He’s freaking the fuck out right now, and Hope looks at him as though she wasn’t phased. As if she had this kind of conversation every day. Like she wasn’t destroying everything he has ever believed about his life.

“How is it so easy for you to talk about it?” Remus croaks out. His eyes and stinging and the back of his throat is hurting, and he hates it. Hates everything about this. He could’ve just kept on lying and he wouldn’t have had to get brought back to that place.

Right now, Remus feels like his nine-year-old self who didn’t want to talk about what happened, who wanted to act as though everything was normal. As though he hadn’t just spent months at the hospital, as though his mum still had two legs.

“Love, I’ve been in therapy for years. Talking about it is the first step toward acceptance and moving on.” Hope explains, and Remus is surprised to see that her eyes are getting wet. He hasn’t seen her cry since the last time he told her he loved her.

He shakes his head, “I can’t talk about it.” He says, his voice breaking, “I…It’s just s-so hard. I hate myself for w-what happened to you.” He manages to say. He isn’t crying, but the tightness in his throat is making it hard to speak.

“It’s not your fault, Remus.” Hope tries again, then brings a hand up to cup her son’s cheek. He leans into it without thinking; she used to do that when he was a kid, when she used to read him bedside stories and kiss him goodnight. “Don’t hate yourself, please. I love you, Remus. I don’t blame you for what happened.” She repeats. Remus thinks that she would probably repeat it until he believed it. That’s how incredible Hope Lupin is.

“I…” he breathes out, then schools himself. Nothing bad will happen if he says it. It isn’t a spell that will make her convulse. It is simply three words. Three words that are so, so easy for everyone else to tell their mums.

It is so unfair that it feels like the world is collapsing around him when he even thinks of saying it.

But sometimes, even in the middle of a calamity, one must rip the band aid off before it’s too late.

“I love you too, Mum.” He manages the croak out. He stares at her in terror, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop; for her to collapse, sob or die, for her to fall on the floor and have yet another seizure, but nothing happens. No, nothing horrible happens this time.

Hope only stares at him with something Remus thinks might be hope. Love, years of waiting for something to happen and finally hearing it. Four simple words, really, words that shouldn’t feel so huge to tell his mother.

Then, without warning, Hope crushes him into a hug that makes Remus feel like a child again. Despite the height difference, Hope manages to make him feel like an infant getting cradled by his mother, just a kid getting a hug from his mum. Not an eighteen-year-old who just told his mum that he loves her after nine years of abstention.

After a long moment, when Hope pulls back, she looks solemnly at him, “You’re my son, Remus. My only child. I want it to be clear from now on that you are in no way a burden or a bother. I love you, your father loves you, and we want to be part of your life.” She asks him and really, Remus thinks he’s done enough hurting about his family already. He really wants for his family to feel normal again.

“Alright, Mum. I’ll call more.” He smiles at her.

“And you won’t lie about anything again.” She demands, and Remus shakes his head.

“I won’t.” he smiles. It all feels somewhat bittersweet, but really, that’s what mother and son relationships are for, isn’t it?

“Not even about that weed smell that’s all over you?” she arches an eyebrow, effectively bursting the tense atmosphere.

At that moment, Sirius enters the hotel room with three pizzas under his arm, and looks at them with wide eyes. “Are we in trouble?” he asks, and Remus grimaces.

“I think, yeah.” He whispers. If Sirius notices that Remus’ eyes are red-rimmed and that Hope has dried tears over her cheeks, he doesn’t mention it. Remus loves him a little for it.

Hope sighs, “And me who thought my son was explementary.” She shakes her head, “It’s occasional, isn’t it? You don’t have an addiction?” she asks seriously.

“No, Mum, I’m not addicted to weed.” He rolls his eyes with a smile, glad that the heaviness of the previous conversation has dimmed. “It’s just legal here. We were trying it out.” He lies. Funny how his promise lasted less than a minute.

“Right.” Hope squints at him, “I’ll forgive you for this obvious lie if you tell me how you two finally got together.”

That, makes Sirius grin, “Nothing I love talking about more.” He smiles and gestures at the small table where the pizza is at, “Let’s eat?” he suggests, and that’s how Remus ends up sharing a meal with his mother and his boyfriend, with no secrets or untold truths hanging in the air.