Show me the world and I'll show you mine

They spend one morning in Rhodes before taking a plane to Antalya in Türkiye. It’s really been a while since Remus took a flight, not since his journey from Egypt to Morocco, and it’s almost like greeting an old friend, he thinks condescendingly as he sits on the window seat. They land around eleven at night and immediately get to the hotel room, before starting the new discovery the next day, on the first of September. It hits Remus then that it has been five full months since he has had a routine, since he set foot in the United Kingdom, and it feels kind of weird. He feels homesick, he realises, even more so since his discussion with Sirius about their future place. He misses the farm, Snuffles, his dog, he misses the dorm at Hogwin, the corridors and Great Hall, he even misses McGonagall, for God’s sake. He misses this future place he has never seen or been to but can picture perfectly in his mind: a warm, homey place with brownish walls and green furniture, fairy lights around books and vinyls, and also, for some reason, an ugly red and yellow rug in the middle of the room that doesn’t fit but is there anyway, because how could it not be? Remus already loves this hypothetical place, simply because it’s his and Sirius’, and he can’t wait to live in it.
So, that’s why on the second night of September, after a whole day walking along the streets of Antalya, between sea and mountains, watching the colourful houses contrast with the grey of the highlands and the blue sea, Remus is looking at flats he can rent in Cambridge come October. It’s not exactly as dull as he thought it would be, which was the exact reason he didn’t do it before leaving for the trip but procrastinated: it’s interesting to see the different places there is available, trying to picture himself in this environment. After the better of two hours searching, he comes across a beautiful place: it’s two rooms flat with a spacious living room, or what you can call spacious when you’re an eighteen year old student, with a small kitchen and even a small balcony. The bedroom is small, so small that Remus wonders if they can fit anything else but a bed, but he doesn’t really need much more. He tries to picture it with plants, furniture and music, with Sirius and James’ laughter echoing around the place while he cooks them a meal, the house smelling of spices and like home, and the image comes to mind so easily that Remus barely has to try. He looks at the announce more closely: the building is pet-friendly, which is amazing if they want to keep Juni or Snuffles around sometimes, there is a ‘no smoking’ policy inside the building that has Remus glad for the balcony, and it's ten minutes away by foot from campus. He looks if there is a tattoo parlour around and finds one: it's kind of out of town, but there is a bus that can get Sirius there in only ten minutes, and Remus thinks that there’s really not much better they can do.

He doesn’t tell Sirius right away. He doesn’t know why: they’re in this together, after all, but he kind of wants to keep this wonderful vision to himself first, before someone points out a flaw he failed to realise. So, the next day, he and the rest of the group go to Antalya’s aquarium and Remus doesn’t talk about how an aquarium would be a good addition to their future flat Sirius has no idea about. He feels kind of giddy: first because he is keeping a secret again and he loves it, and also because he really, desperately wants that cosy life with Sirius and will do anything to make it as amazing as he can. And if an aquarium is the way to do so, then he’ll go buy fish right away.

It's that night that Sirius figures it out. They are in the bus to Izmir, which is a quite long journey that would be longer if they couldn’t just spend it sleeping, when Sirius takes Remus’ phone to do God knows what; Remus doesn’t care what Sirius does on his phone when he takes it extremely often, but today, he has a secret. He realises it when Sirius takes his phone, thinking back to the opened tab he kept with the flat’s post, and immediately launches himself over Sirius’ frame to snag his phone back. Sirius doesn’t resist, because he is caught by surprise, and when Remus sighs out in relief with his phone in his hands, Sirius arches an eyebrow.

“Anything to tell me, Lupin?” he asks in his ‘no bullshit’ voice that Remus has no business finding this sexy, and he knows he is busted. So long, secret. You only lasted a day. God, Remus is getting worse and worse at being a mysterious motherfucker.

He sighs, opens the tab and offers his phone to Sirius. Better that than Sirius wondering if Remus is somehow having an affair with a Turk man. Sirius’ eyes widen as soon as he sees it, and a smiles slowly stretches over his face. He looks over the different pictures, at the grand sitting area, the orange kitchen and the small bedroom, and the look on his face turns more touched and emotional.

“Why would you keep this away from me?” he whispers, his eyes not leaving the flat. Remus understands: the place is so perfect, it screams Remus and Sirius, love and friendship.

Remus only shrugs, “It seems too good to be true. Didn’t want to give you false hope until I was sure I could get it.”

“Oh, we’re going to get it alright.” Sirius snorts, “I have Alphard’s inheritance.”

“I’m not letting you pay for it all.” Remus frowns, “I have some money saved somewhere, I just need to know if I have enough. At least for the first few months until I can get a job.”

“No.” Sirius says forcefully, “You’re not letting this perfect place slip away just because you want to be noble and equalitarian.”

Remus rolls his eyes, “But that’s not fair, Sirius.” He throws his hands, “I don’t want you to be my sugar daddy or something. We’re equals: if we’re both living there, then we’re splitting rent.” He explains to Sirius who only huffs.

“I don’t care, Moony, I’m rich as hell.” He says, “I’m not letting you slave away and waste all your economies into something I can pay easily.”

“I’d hardly call working slaving away.” Remus rolls his eyes again, “It’s just the principle of the thing. I’m not going to live at your expense like I’m your sex servant.”

“Bloody hell, and I’m the dramatic one?” Sirius raises his eyebrows, “Can’t you just let me take care of you? Is that so fucking hard?”

“Not when it comes to money, no.” Remus shrugs, “I want to be financially independent. I don’t want to depend on your income.”

Sirius sighs, “Fine, we can share rent, but I’m paying most of it. You get like an eighth.” He takes out his phone with the calculator app, “You pay 200 pounds per months. I take care of the rest.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Remus deadpans, “You need money if you want to open your own tattoo shop one day.”

“But I have that money!” Sirius exclaims, “You don’t understand, Alphard left me a shit ton of money. We’re fine, I can even buy the bloody flat if you want it.”

Remus huffs, “We’re not becoming landowners at eighteen.” He shakes his head, “And I’m going to pay more than an eighth.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, “Let’s argue about this later. I know you’re going to give in at some point because I’m never giving in, so.” He shrugs, and Remus can only sigh. He knows it is true, to some extent, that he will want to make things equal, and Sirius won’t allow him.

“Fine, but it’s going to take a while to make me give in. I really don’t want you to pay a lot more than me.”

“Ah ha!” Sirius grins, “You’re already letting things be inequal, it’s going to be easy!” he says, making Remus roll his eyes. Sirius pays him no mind and only looks back at the phone. “Okay, tell me what vision you had for it.” He asks, reangling himself to lean against Remus, and then, well, Remus doesn’t want to fight anymore, so he tells Sirius what he imagined, shows him his Pinterest board and his inspirations.

__________________________________
“Alright, young man.” The police officer says, pushing Remus into the cell and shutting the bars after him, “Bail’s four thousand Turkish lira. You have one phone call, but that’s it.” He grumbles, locking up the cell, really showing Remus that yeah, he’s in Turkish jail, “Don’t make a sound, Dallama.” The guard says and leaves Remus to his own devices with nothing at all on him. Oh, what a day.

It all started that morning, on Türkiye day 3, when Remus got woken up by the sound of Sirius throwing up his entire intestines out. He worried instantly and found a heap of a man sitting next to the toilet with arms embracing it, throwing up every few minutes. It took a while and a lot of throwing up for Sirius to finally admit, two hours after Remus initially woke up, that he was sick.

Remus understood why Sirius had trouble admitting it, it was one of the thing Sirius took pride in: he was never, ever sick, unless if alcohol related. So seeing a ill faced Sirius who had trouble not retching every five minutes felt kind of weird to Remus. It’s around seven in the morning that Sirius decided to go back to bed, when he felt like he didn’t have anything let to throw up anyway, around the time Remus put his hand over Sirius’ forehead and declared the verdict: he was definitely more than feverish. He let him go back to sleep, not without asking if Sirius wanted or needed anything, and Sirius had one request half mumbled in his sleep: potage parmentier.

It took Remus off guard, because first, Sirius never speaks French unless needed, and also because he had no idea how these sounds fit together in a word and therefore couldn’t look it up on Google. After a bit of debating with himself, he came to a plan: making or buying or doing whatever ‘potage parmentier’ is, showing to Sirius that he is the best boyfriend to ever exist and get himself somewhat forgiven for their argument in the bus over who pays for the flat.

So, he waited for an hour in the hotel lobby for the rest of the people to emerge for breakfast, especially one person.

“Hey, Reggie! Reggie!” Remus shouted across the room as soon as he saw Regulus walking to breakfast in black clothes, “Help me.”

Regulus took a judgmental glance at him, “Why must you shout at me?” he asked once he got close enough to Remus.

“Help me, out man. Sirius is sick and he asked for ‘potage parmentier’. What the hell is it?”

James, who was passing by them, heard and grinned at them, “Oh Sirius is sick? Ha! He owes me ten bucks.”

Remus frowned, “You bet him he’d be sick?”

“And I won.” James shrugged.

“Potage parmentier is a soup.” Regulus explains, “Our nanny used to do it when we were sick.” He said, and yes! Something Remus can do!

“Oh, great!” Remus grinned, “Do you have the recipe?” he asked, making Regulus roll his eyes.

“Not on me, no.” he shook his head, then probably remembered it was for his brother, “It’s made with potato, carrots and leek. Just peel it all and mix it.” He shrugged and left, and James took over.

“There’s a kitchen in the hotel.” He said, “I’ll tell Moody you’re not joining us today?” he asked, and Remus grinned.

“No, I’m a man on a mission. I have to make my boyfriend potage parmentier.”

So, that’s how it started. How Remus found himself at nine in the morning in a foreign city where everyone speaks a foreign language, trying to find carrots, potatoes and leek. It can’t really be that hard, he thought, when he stepped foot outside of the hotel. And he was right. That wasn’t the hard part yet. No, that part came when he came back at the hotel around noon, with four carrots, five potatoes and two leeks, and started peeling and prepping them. He went back up to the room to check on Sirius, who was still sleeping soundly, probably from the fever, Remus thought, and got to mixing. If everything went okay, which it didn’t, he would’ve been able to serve Sirius the soup right then, when he woke up, and his mission to be the best boyfriend ever would have been fulfilled. But no. When Remus tasted the now mixed legumes, he found it off. He added the spices he could find: salt, pepper and sumac, and it still tasted wrong, like something was missing. Remus couldn’t call himself a good boyfriend if he brought Sirius soup that tasted wrong, now could he?
So, he tasted it again, and realised what it was: onions. It was definitely missing two onions. He could see it now: how could a French soup not have any onion in it, right?
Remus walked back out of the hotel in search for onions, and his quest was a lot less fruitful than in the morning. He headed for the grocery store he’d been to before, but it was closed: apparently, a lot of stores close around noon for some reason. He felt it more deeply as he walked along the streets of Izmir to find no open grocery store that sold onions. Really none. He couldn’t believe it: a town as big as this and no way to find onions. Onions, something as bland and easy to find, the essence of many dishes and yet no way to find them.
Remus was almost giving up when he saw it: the delivery truck in front of a small grocery store with the doors open. He could see and smell vegetables: he grew up in a farm, he knows how to find the smell of dirt laden vegetables from odour only. He walked up to the truck and looked around: no one was there, the delivery men probably inside, deposing the merchandise to the grocer. He saw his opportunity: one doesn’t call himself a marauder without taking any risk, even if he is Remus Lupin. He jumped inside of the truck and went to look for onions; he could be in and out in a second, and really, who would tell him off for stealing an onion or two? He went to look, but couldn’t find them under the mass of carrots and salad crates everywhere. He walked a little deeper into the back of the truck when his eyes finally fell on a crate full of onions: perfect shape, colour and smell. This, this is what was going to elevate his potage parmentier. Or so he thought.

As soon as he took a hold of the onions, a huge sound made him turn around in stupor: the delivery man just slammed the truck door closed, trapping Remus inside.

“Shit.” He whispered under his breath. He looked around wondering wherever he could hide when the man would open the doors again and was therefore caught off guard when the engine started in a hurry, making him stumble back on the floor with a thud.

He slapped a hand over his mouth: if the man realised that there was some dude locked in his truck, he would either get beaten up or thrown to jail. Either way, Remus didn’t exactly want to be found out. He stood up as silently as he could and stepped over a crate of carrots to hide behind it. He did as good as he could, but sometimes being 6.3ft isn’t the best thing ever. He was hidden away, ready for the man’s next stop and certain that he could make it out alive: he once managed to get away unnoticed by Filch back in Hogwin, so there’s really no reason he could get caught.

His phone decided to ring right at that moment. Very loudly. With the ‘Crazy Frog’ ringtone that James put on his phone that Remus never bothered to take off.

So, he might have gotten caught, he thought.

He hurried to hang up right away, on Sirius too, he realised when he did it, which is just as great, hanging up on his sick boyfriend while committing several felonies, but he didn’t really think about it at that moment, because the truck pulled into an abrupt stop. His brain switched into survival mode: fight or flight? He thought that flight would be the better of two options, because he didn’t know exactly what kind of man would open the doors, and he wasn’t really about to get beaten up by some brawny Turkish farmer, but he found himself dumb when the doors wouldn’t budge from the inside. He tried as hard as he could to open the doors, but it was to no avail: he was definitely locked in there and was going to die in his attempt to make potage parmentier. What a sad way to go.

A minute later, he doors opened, just like Remus was expecting, except that it wasn’t some brawny Turkish farmer, but instead two uniform clad policemen with guns pointing at him.

Remus held his hands up on instinct and, thinking of James and Sirius’ bravado, grinned at them the most charmingly he could, “Hi, can’t believe we’ve met. I’m Remus.” He said, extending a hand towards the men.

So, that’s why he is now sitting alone in a damp cell without anything on him. He waits for an hour, trying to think about how he will explain his story to his friends without sounding too much like an idiot, and doesn’t really find any way that doesn’t underline his stupidity. He chuckles to himself more often than anyone who is in holding in a Turkish police precinct should, and around three in the afternoon, so, a long while later during which Remus didn’t call anyone because like any teenager in the XXIst century, he doesn’t know any number but his mother’s and he doubts that would come in handy at that moment, he gets a phone call.

“Hello?” he asks confusedly. Who even knows that he is in a police precinct.

“Are you in holding you fucking idiot?” James’ amused voice comes through the speaker, and Remus bursts out laughing, something that has the guard shushing him.

“Kind of.” He chuckles, “Can you bring four grand in Turkish money? Pretty please?”

“Guys, I was right, he’s in jail!” James exclaims, and Remus can hear a lot of confused voices in the background.

“Prongs! Prongs, I don’t think I can stay on the phone for long.” Remus tries to gather his attention, something that takes a while to succeed.

“Right, right, four grand?” James asks, still laughing.

“Didn’t know you were a bad boy, Rem!” Mary says, and Remus can hear the grin in her voice.

“Yeah.” He chuckles, “Four grand.”

“I’m coming right away. But you have to tell us the tale as soon as you can.” James demands and hangs up.

What a day. And all of that for potage parmentier.
______________________________________________
Of course, that night, Remus has to tell his story on front of his entire friend group who makes fun of him endlessly, except for Sirius who says that it’s cute that he did all of this for him, despite laughing at him with James a second later. They all call him Onion boy, a nickname that Moody employs too when he reprimands him in front of everyone that night, reminding him that getting arrested was one of the three no-no’s, along with dying and being a pain, something that he and his friends have been since the beginning of the trip by going out almost every night, even when Moody discouraged it.

Still, Remus committed his first felony and his friends – especially Regulus, who seems to have a penchant for illegality – are there to celebrate as if it’s such an achievement. Needless to say, the next morning, when he is woken up by retching sounds, it isn’t because of a stomach bug but because of the local alcohol they took as their duty to try the night before.

_____________________________________
Interlude: Lily’s pov
For the fifth day in Türkiye, they take a plane from Izmir to a small airport in Nevsehir to visit the vast land of Cappadoce. Lily heard a little about it: her old friend Alice from school is Turkish and used to talk about it all the time. She even received a post card from her one summer: a picture of the love valley with a dozen of multicoloured hot air balloons in the sky.
She’s having the same vision right now, standing in a field with the entire Experience group in front of exactly twenty one hot hair balloons. Now, Lily has never loved heights, always been rather terrified of them, so riding on a literal balloon isn’t a fantasy of hers. It’s beautiful, Lily is sure, to see the landscape from above, but why does it have to be on a basket that’s suspended by only ropes? Her rational mind is racing, and therefore misses all the explanations from the hot air balloon man on how to behave once inside.

“I really don’t like this.” She whispers to James who is standing right next to her and basically buzzing with excitement.

“What is there not to like?” He grins, “We’re going to fly, Lils!” he says with this golden retriever way of always being happy about everything he almost always has that Lily finds adorable. Found. Anyway.

She eyes him warily, “We’re going to die, more like.” She mumbles. What if a bird crashes its beak on the balloon? Does it just pop and let them crash on the grass?

When Moody finishes his orders, they have to pair up to board the balloons: Remus and Sirius pair up like the lovesick idiots they are, much like Marlene and Dorcas. The two pairs are all over the other: on purpose for Marlene and Dorcas who always stick together because they genuinely love it, and unconsciously for Remus and Sirius. Lily is certain that they don’t realise how intertwined they always are; whether it be their hands or entire bodies, they seem so unbothered that Lily thinks they don’t realise they’re even doing it. She remembers James telling her in the first few times they hung together as a group that they were always like this, and not to mind them. This kind of love and comfort with another person makes Lily feel rotten on the inside as she appraises the distance between her and her boyfriend, but it’s not like she can do much about it.

Ever since Greece, Lily noticed a change in their dynamics. It wasn’t ever anything big: James is too good to make Lily feel bad on purpose, but remember, Lily is observant as fuck. It started with him taking a second too long to say ‘I love you’ back, on the last day in Naples. Then, he would spend more and more time lost in his thoughts: Lily thought he had some issues of his own, after all, she didn’t tell him exactly all the shit that happened with Petunia or Severus, but she quickly realised that wasn’t the issue. Or rather who was the issue.

Regulus Black. That’s it, really. Lily knew, even before James admitted to it back in Athens, that he had caught small feelings for him. It was night when James told her: they were in their room in Athens, and while she had somewhat called a truce after the fire, mostly out of relief and concern for him, she still had some questions regarding Regulus. It was clear as day that James liked him: all the not so slight questions, all the covert glances, the way he would stutter when someone mentioned him to James. She knew. Lily is observant. So, on that night, she asked him, once and for all, if he liked someone else but her, and that he would get his balls cut off should he decide to lie.
He didn’t. Lily knows that he said the truth, even if she didn’t love it. In a perfect world, he would have said that he only felt curious over why Regulus hated him, and that it was the extend of his feelings for the boy. But no, in addition to that, he said that he also found himself attracted to Regulus and felt disgusted with himself for feeling this while in a relationship with Lily. That he had had a slight crush on Regulus back in school, and that seeing him again in a context where he doesn’t have to hate him on Sirius’ behalf brought back those feelings. He also apologised in tears a few times, whispering about how bad of a boyfriend he was, and how he would do anything to get rid of those feelings.
Lily hated it, but at least James had been honest. She hated feeling not good enough, she hated that she didn’t even hate James for it, nor did she Regulus, and most of all, she hated how relieved she felt upon confirmation of her suspicions.

“We’re nine.” Pandora says, bringing Lily back from her gloomy thoughts, “One of us is going to have to go with one of the randoms.”

“I’ll go.” Regulus nods at the group, “It’s my fault we’re an uneven number.” He adds and starts walking away from them when James speaks up.

“No, I’ll go.” He hurries to say, as if the words were burning his tongue, “You stay with Panda.” He tells Regulus, then turns to Lily, “You don’t mind staying with Mary, do you?” he asks, and right. James’ brilliant solution to get rid of his crush. Lily almost forgot.

“I’m going to be extra nice to him so that he stops hating me and I stop wondering.” He had said that night. Lily understood it for what it was right away: James wanted Regulus to like him back. Whether James realised it or not, that Lily isn’t sure.

“Yeah, sure.” She smiles at him, then turns to face Mary, “It’s been a while anyway.”

Mary, who has Juni sleeping on her shoulder like her own Pikachu, grins at her, “Missed me have ya?” she raises her eyebrows tentatively and Lily chuckles. It’s not that bad, after all, passing a romantic hot air balloon with her boyfriend in favour of spending it with her best friend. Now that they are in pairs – James found himself with some guy they noticed once or twice through the entire trip – they all walk over to their designated balloon: Lily and Mary’s is a variation of all hues of blue that remind Lily of her dorm back at Rowena, and not twenty minutes later, they are setting the burner on fire and promptly elevating up to the sky.

“Holy shit, Mary.” Lily giggles and holds on to her friend’s arm as she starts to fly, the ground under her getting smaller and smaller, “Holy shit.” She repeats, and Mary laughs.

“It’s fucking terrifying.” She grins, “Oh my god, what if we’re sent up to space?” she says, making Lily giggle.

“I hope a fucking bird pokes through it first.” She says, then thinks back on it, “Do you think a bird can actually poke it and pop it?” she asks with a frown.

Mary cocks her head in thought, “I don’t see why not. Thank Heavens we have our little Juniper to protect us!” she grins.

“Ugh, Juni is okay, but not Juniper.” Lily grimaces and looks over at the landscape under them: all the rock mountains, edifices and sanctuaries stretched under them paint a beautiful picture under the bright blue sky and the twenty other hot air balloons flying near them. Next to her, Mary is taking a video on her phone, and Lily quickly takes her Polaroid to do the same.

“D’you see that, Juni-love?” Mary asks the fluffy orange cat she has now settled between her breasts in a way so that the cat can look out the panorama, “It’s beautiful.” She adds in her baby voice.

“She has got to be the luckiest cat in the world.” Lily smiles at Mary, who returns a teasing smirk.

“Why, you want to sleep between my boobs too, Lils?” she asks, and Lily only grins and rolls her eyes fondly.

“Who wouldn’t.” she says, simply continuing Mary’s joke, when she remembers something, “I remember someone who wanted to.” She snorts.

“You’re going to have to be more specific.” Mary eyes Lily with a smug look, “Loads of people want to use them as pillows.”

For some reason, that comment has Lily blushing, “I meant Mulciber. Fourth year.” She grins at Mary, who groans and settles her head over her arms.

“That was horrible.” She mumbles. Mulciber had tried to seduce Mary by cutting out gorgeous white women in pornography magazines, stuffing the pictures in an envelope along with a small letter that said that Mary was just as sexy as them. Basically his way of trying to prove he wasn’t racist (failed tremendously) “Though you can’t say much, Missus Severus Snape.” Mary grins at her in a comeback.

“Yeah, I really can’t.” Lily sighs. Everything with Severus had been a shitshow. From beginning to end. From the first time he made fun of her for the lack of money her and her family had, the first time he told her she looked fat, the first time he put his shitty friends before Lily herself.

Mary sighs, looking out the scenery in front of them, “At least you found a good guy. I can’t seem to make them stick longer than a month.”

“You’ll figure it out.” Lily tells her, knocking their shoulders together, “You’re not even eighteen yet. You’ve got plenty of time.” She shrugs at her, then smiles, “For what it’s worth, anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Mary rolls her eyes, “I know. I’m hot, I’m smart, I’m talented. I have a fucking contract with LVMH for fuck’s sake.” She adds, “I don’t know what else I have to do to find someone.”

Lily bites her lip and looks over at her, “You know, it’s usually when and where you’re not looking that someone comes along.” She says, then looks back out at the sky, “I wasn’t hoping to meet anyone on this trip, and now I have a bunch of new friends.”

“A boyfriend too.” Mary smiles at her, “And Juni.” She adds in second thought, petting her mindlessly.

“Yeah, well.” Lily murmurs, “I’m not sure I’m going to have him for much longer.” She voices out loud for the first time. She has been thinking it for a while, but speaking it makes it so much more real. Lily hates it, and hates the way Mary’s head snaps towards her in a frenzy.

“What do you mean? You guys are literally perfect together.” Mary says with a bittersweet voice, the voice Lily knows means she isn’t saying everything she is thinking. “Is it because of the Little Black thing?”

Lily sighs, her shoulders sagging, “Yeah, but also I think it might be an excuse.” She sighs again, and appraises Mary’s look for something to settle her brain: she is wearing a white headband at the beginning of her hairline, letting her afro hair free behind it, she has a backless burgundy top with elephant blue jeans that Lily knows are embroidered at the back pockets even if she can’t see them now. It’s just Mary, beautiful, elegant and sweet Mary. Lily can tell her anything, she reminds her brain. No need to close down.

“It’s just that everything went so quickly with James.” She starts, nervously peeling off the green polish at her nails, “We talked for like ten days then immediately got together. We said I love you after like a month or two.” She confesses, feeling kind of like an idiot. At the time, it has felt so right: she hadn’t ever felt this enamoured with anyone in her life before, and it was invigorating to have someone as beautiful as James be obsessed with her after all the time she had to spend with Severus. His warmth and raw happiness melted down the walls she built around her heart without any trouble, and it was hard not to give it to him right away.

“Right, yeah.” Mary frowns at her, “I guess I hadn’t realised how quick it all happened.”

“And now, we’ve been together for four months, and I think we might’ve gone too fast at the beginning. And now, I don’t know. I don’t feel as much as I used to.” She admits, then sighs, “I hate it, because I really felt like I loved him, you know?”

Mary nods and takes her hand, “Yeah I see. You’ll figure it out though. I mean, you could talk to him about it.”

“Yeah, I know. I should.” She sighs, “But it’s shitty of me, because I was such a pain before the fire, and now I’m coming back to him with other problems. He’s probably tired of it.”

“I don’t know about that.” Mary cocks her head, “He’s a man, not a little boy. He can understand that you have conflicted feeling about your relationship.”

Lily sighs, “Yeah.” She mumbles.

“Even if it goes wrong, you know I’m always there for you anyway.” Mary smiles at her and bumps her shoulder.

“What would I do without you, Marykins?” Lily grins and mirrors the motion, bumping Mary’s shoulder as well. They both lean on the hot air balloon railing, mindful of Juni as to not make her fall.

“Probably cry and die at the bottom of a cave.” She shrugs and grins, “It’s what they all do, anyway.”

Lily scoffs at her with a grins, “Oh because I’m a ‘they’ now? Do I not make any difference to you, your best friend of seven years?”

“Well let’s see.” Mary cocks her head, “You’ve seen me drunk, naked and have kissed me.” She counts them off her fingers like a list, “Sounds like a ‘they’ to me.” She shrugs teasingly. Lily only gapes at her in shock.

“That kiss did not count!” she exclaims, swatting at Mary’s arm. She recalls it vividly: a tear straked Marlene on the bed next to them, admitting to her best friends that she liked girls, and Mary grabbing Lily’s face in a kiss, a clumsy attempt to show Marlene that it was really okay, and that they weren’t judging. The memory brings a slight blush to Lily’s cheeks, and it almost makes her miss Mary’s next words.

“Wanna make it count?” Mary suggests with eyebrows raised and her flirting voice. Lily is so caught off guard that she chokes on nothing and starts coughing violently, trying to get the air back into her lungs. “Wow, didn’t know I’d have that much effect.” Mary raises her eyebrows, and now that Lily is back, she rolls her eyes.

“You wish, Macdonald.” She chuckles, then bites her lip, “If you want to kiss me that bad, then just ask.” She grins at her friend, who directs her eyes back to the rock fields under them.

“You’re getting ahead of yourself.” Mary smirks smugly, “As if I’d ever get anywhere near where Snivellus has been before.” She grimaces, and Lily laughs.

“Yeah, that’s wise. I think I’m lucky I didn’t catch any weird disease.” She smiles.

Mary snorts, “James should’ve been terrified, had he known.”

“Oh, I’m sure he and Sev would’ve despised each other.” Lily grins, “Funny how that goes.”

“And yet they kissed indirectly.” Mary sighs wistfully, “Through your lips, if you didn’t get it.” She adds, in the stupidly endearing way she often does at the end of her jokes.

“Yes, thank you Mary, I couldn’t have understood on my own.” Lily rolls her eyes fondly, “Then you kissed them too, with that logic.”

Mary shakes her head, “Nuh-uh. They kissed me. I only ever kiss people I want to kiss, thank you very much.” She concludes, and the inuendo is enough to make Lily shiver. What the hell is going on with her?

“If that’s your logic.” Lily sighs, because she has to say something. Did Mary really want to kiss her, or did she say that without thinking? Mary never thinks before talking though. And why does Lily care that much?

They settle in a small silence for a while, both looking at the city a few kilometres away, the tall buildings and monuments visible from the sky, when Mary speaks up.

“What are you going to do with James?” she asks, and Lily sighs.

“No idea.” She sighs, “I don’t want to break up, because I like him a lot, but the whole thing with Regulus is making me think it’s not really meant to be, you know?” she says, then adds, “I don’t think I love him. I think it was just excitement and infatuation that made me say and think that I did before, but I’m not sure I do anymore. Or ever did.” She confesses and listens as Mary sighs and puts a hand on her arm.

“Just do what feels right. What you think will make you happier in the long run.” She says, “Because I’ve seen you the past few days; you don’t really look that okay. Anytime James is weirdly nice to Black, you tense up. It’s stressing you out.”

Lily smiles feebly, “It is, yeah. I’m scared of making the wrong choice, because if I stay with James and he doesn’t stop liking Regulus, then it won’t do. I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.” She sighs, “But also, if I break it off, then maybe I walk past something that could’ve been amazing just because I didn’t want to fight.”

“Yeah, but what if your person, your soulmate, is out there, and you’re locking yourself in this relationship and might pass by them without realising it?” Mary asks, and it’s yet another perspective Lily hadn’t thought of, “What if it’s true with you too, the ‘it happens when you least expect it.’ What if you meet someone new, or catch feelings for someone else now, and have stuck yourself in that relationship you aren’t sure of anyway?” she continues, and it sure is a lot to think about.

“I…You’re weirdly invested.” Lily grins at Mary, who rolls her eyes, “No, but thanks. I’ll think about it.”

“Sure. I just don’t want you to get hurt, Lils.” Mary smiles, though it doesn’t quite reaches her eyes. Lily doesn’t ponder on why, simply puts a hand on Juni’s head and looks back out at the scene in front of them. This decision can surely wait a little longer.

_____________________________
Remus is in a forest. He knows this forest; it’s the forest behind his parent’s farm back in Wales, where he and his parents usually wander to get fruits or mushrooms, and where his father hunts wild boars. He is currently on a mushroom hunt with his mother: they separated in a competition over who finds the best mushroom. Mum always wins, so Remus is especially determined to find the perfect mushroom today, and that’s exactly what he is thinking about when he starts walking towards an edge of the forest he isn’t usually allowed to go to. Dad says it’s dangerous, but Remus is certain it’s full of mushrooms that would make a good soup. Anyway, Remus is nine now, since a little more than two weeks ago: he is big enough to not be scared by the ‘dangerous’ things in the forest. He smiles to himself as he crosses the edge into a darker part, thinking of all the pretty mushrooms he could find: maybe even a red one! He’s definitely going to win today, and Mum promised that if he brought back the prettiest mushroom, she would buy him a present. That’s exactly when he sees it, quite deep in the forbidden part of the forest that is admittedly quite scary: a red mushroom with white dots. It’s exactly like the image he so often saw in children’s picture books: the white trunk and red cap, dotted with white. He excitedly rushes over to it, already thinking of the gift he would ask of his parents: either another astronomy book or the Percy Jackson DVDs he has been wanting for ages now.
Lost in his greedy childish thoughts, he didn’t pay attention to the ruffling of the leaves behind him, nor at the low growling that followed. No, instead Remus bent down to pick up the mushroom, careful to put his gloves on should it be poisonous, and it’s when he knelt on the grass that he finally heard it.

A growl. The type of growl that means trouble. He turns around quickly, as if seeing the danger could prevent it, and immediately feels his blood turn cold. A huge wolf is standing upon him with yellow piercing eyes and bared teeth, looking somewhat happy, like a starving man who just found food. Of course, Remus doesn’t have the time to form that thought properly, because as soon as he sees the beast, it jumps on him and digs its claws into Remus’ chest and arms, ready to tear his chest open.

It’s the last thing Remus sees before everything goes dark. When he wakes up again, it’s to the sound of beeping machines and low rumble of voices next to him. He opens his eyes and finds everything to be white: he is at the hospital, laying in bed in a white hospital gown and a bunch of wires sticking out of him.

“Mummy?” Remus mumbles, then immediately starts coughing. His throat feels raw, as if it hadn’t worked in ages, and he feels sick. He bends over to throw up, and miraculously, someone places a recipient over his stomach at the same moment. He looks up to see a severe looking woman who is staring at him intently. She retrieves the recipient that is now covered in red liquid that Remus doesn’t know if it is vomit or blood, and finally speaks.

“That happens often upon awaking.” She says, then directs her attention back to Remus, “Now, can you say something?”

“Er. Where’s my mum?” he asks, and the woman smiles somewhat motherly at Remus, something that ought to comfort him but instead makes him even more worried.

“She’s asleep, dear. She was attacked too.” She tells him, then moves around to look at the machines like Remus saw once or twice in Grey’s Anatomy, the series that Mum sometimes lets him watch with her.

Remus frowns, “Is she okay?” he asks. Usually, people in Grey’s Anatomy get bad news when they’re in hospitals. Remus tries to move to take a better look at his surroundings, but a simple sway of his body is enough to have him crying out in pain. Tears spring to his eyes as if they never left, and he lays back down on the bed, trying to get back to his original, painless position.

“Ah, yes. Try not to move much, love, it’ll hurt. I’ll up your morphine levels.” The doctor says, and then everything turns to black again. When he sees properly again, he is still in his hospital gown, not many differences from the last time, except that now the blinds are closed and the lights are out, leaving him in the small lights of the beeping machines. In the distance, Remus can hear a man’s voice.

“I understand, sir, but you mustn’t say anything to your son.” The voice says, “He is very fragile at the moment, and his brain has experienced severe trauma. Causing him any shock would be a huge inadvertence.”

“Well he’s going to notice at some point that his mum doesn’t have both of her legs, for Pete’s sake.” Remus recognises his father’s voice through the slim hospital door. Then, he hears a groan. “Fuck, what if I hadn’t found them?” he mumbles, and the doctor’s voice comes back. Or what Remus imagines is a doctor.

“Well, sir, psychology isn’t my area of expertise, but I’d say that dwelling on these things isn’t healthy. Father to father, I’d say all you can do is be there for them.” The man says to Remus’ dad, and really Remus had no idea that his father had found them. Or really, he doesn’t know anything that happened. Simply has been guessing since he woke up in a hospital after coming across a wolf in the forest.

“Be there for them.” Lyall repeats, then sighs gravely, “I-I blame him, you know?” he whispers just loud enough for Remus to hear, and for his chest to hurt even more than before, “I’m such a horrible father.” Lyall says in a distressed voice, that comes out muffled the next time Remus hears it, “…if he hadn’t wandered in the forest…” is all Remus can hear until everything fades to black again. He wakes back up again, sitting on yet another hospital bed, next to his mum. She looks tired and sad, but she is smiling at Remus, looking younger than Remus remembers her. She smiles at him and says something that Remus can’t hear: it’s like his ears are deep in the water, and every sound seems far and impossible to reach.

“Mum?” Remus asks once, but Hope doesn’t mind him, simply keeps talking in and out, taking pauses as if in discussion with someone who isn’t her son. “Mummy?” he tries again, and she still doesn’t mind him. He waves a hand over her eyes, looks around the room for someone else she could be talking to, but finds nothing and no one: his mum is just ignoring him and talking to a ghost. “Hey, Mum!” he exclaims, and tries to shake her, but his arms won’t move. Then, as if on cue, like his body knew exactly what to do, he speaks up words that feel foreign in his mouth, “I love you, Mum.”

Upon his words, Hope begins to tear up, when a convulsion apparently takes her. Her eyes roll to the back of her head and she starts shaking uncontrollably, as if every one of her muscles had decided to contract at the same time. Remus is shouting, but doesn’t hear it: his ears still feel deep in the water, as if someone was pressing their hands upon his ears. He presses his eyes shut to not see his mother have a seizure anymore, because it is traumatic as hell, when he finally hears his own voice shouting, again and again.

“Mum! Mum! No, wake up! Mum!” he screams, squeezing his eyes shut when he feels hands on his face.

“Remus! Moony, wake up!” Sirius bellows, “It’s just a dream, wake up!” he repeats, and when Remus opens his eyes once and for all, he is lying in bed with a concerned looking Sirius lying on top of him. He looks worried and tired, and when Remus takes a look at the alarm next to the bed, he sees 3:12AM written on it.

He sighs, “Sorry.” He says in a broken voice. He clears his throat a few times, trying to clear the lump the nightmare lodged there away. He sits up, taking Sirius with him who is still staring worryingly. “What?” he asks, and Sirius only wipes his thumb over Remus’ cheeks and shows it to Remus: wet and glistening with water. “Oh.”

“I’ve never seen you cry before.” Sirius whispers, his eyes flicking from either of Remus’ eyes.

“Sorry.” Remus repeats and takes a gulp of the water sitting on his nightstand, “Just a nightmare.”

Sirius frowns, “Can I ask what happened? Was it…the accident with the wolf thing?” he asks, because he is apparently a psychic who can read people’s minds.

“Yeah.” Remus nods, “It was. Just…relieving the entire thing.” He whispers, “It’s not the first time it comes back in dreams, but it’s never been quite this- this immersive. Intense.” He explains and squeezes his eyes shut, seeing the way his mother had seized just after her told her that he loved her.

“I’m sorry, Moony.” Sirius murmurs and puts his hands down from Remus’ face to hold his hands, “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, even if Remus knows that he knows that Remus doesn’t. Still, he asks, and Remus thinks it rather nice.

“No, thanks.” He says automatically, then thinks for a minute. Since the fire, since his phone call with his mother, he has been reminded of the same words over and over again. Hope had said, when looking for information over her sons’ well-being, ‘Don’t lie to me, please, for once be honest’.

For once be honest.

It kind of shook Remus, because he never quite realised how the distance he had created between himself and his parents had been hurting them too, more than somewhat protecting them like Remus thought. He didn’t realise that perhaps, Hope and Lyall had been missing their son and the close proximity they used to have before the accident. And now, he doesn’t really know how to correct his errors and get closer to his family again.

Maybe talking about it is the first step to get there. “Actually, I do.” He frowns at himself and doesn’t miss the way Sirius’ eyebrows shoot up in shock.

“Oh. Okay, yeah.” Sirius nods vigorously, probably because he knows Remus it’s likely the only moment Remus will ever open up about family. Or maybe because he never, ever wants to talk about his feelings if he can avoid it. “Go ahead.” He says and sits back on the mattress in front of Remus.

“I just…” he tries, but the words don’t exactly come out. He’s never known exactly how to voice his emotions anyway. He decides to just count the tale to Sirius. “After the accident, I overheard my dad telling the doctor that he blamed me for what happened.” He confesses, fidgeting with the hem of his pyjama shorts, “That moment was in the dream.” He says, and sees Sirius’ concerned face turn to sorriness and pity.

“Oh, Remus. That’s horrible.” He breathes out, and Remus shakes his head.

“I’m not telling you to get any pity or whatever. I just think that I need to get it off my chest in order to have a better relationship with my parents.” He warns, looking at Sirius straight in the eye.

He nods, “I know. But I’m still sorry. I can’t imagine it was good for your self-esteem, especially hearing it this young.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it was.” Remus chuckles dryly, “Then a week or two later, when I was stable enough to leave my bed, I visited my mum at her own hospital bed. She had one leg ripped off by the wolf and severe claw marks all over her body. And with her older age, she was a little more vulnerable than me.” He explains to set the context, “So when I went to see her, we talked for a while, and I told her that I loved her. It caused her to have a seizure.”

Sirius stares at Remus in bewilderment, with eyes wide and mouth hanging open, “Oh, god.” He whispers, “That must’ve been traumatising. For her as much as you.” He prompts, and Remus has to grind his teeth together. He can see it so clearly: her eyes white and her shaking making the entire bed vibrate. The absent look on her face and the thundering of Remus’ heart who thought that his mum was dying before him.

Remus bites his lip and looks down, “I still haven’t said ‘I love you’ to her since. I…I know it’s stupid, but anytime I even think about doing it, I’m afraid she’ll start seizing again.” He admits with a small voice. He hasn’t ever admitted his stupid fears to anyone before, and it doesn’t feel as scary and dauting as it should’ve. It’s just Sirius; Remus knows his secrets are safe with him.

“It’s not stupid.” Sirius shakes his head, “It’s a response to your trauma. And even if it’s not the best one, it is what it is.” He shrugs. “Brains work in weird ways, you know.”

Remus nods and sniffs a little, “Yeah, I know.” He sighs, “And now, you know, after the fire and all, I kind of realised that my parents might be a little sad that I put so much distance between them and I. And I want to make it right again.” He shrugs.

“Right.” Sirius nods, “So that’s why, you know, back in Portugal, when your mum called. That’s why she didn’t seem to know anything about you.” He tries in a tentative voice, probably still remembering how that conversation went.

“Yeah, that’s it.” He shrugs, “She doesn’t know much about me because I just don’t tell her much.”

“But why don’t you?” Sirius cocks his head, “I mean, yeah, you can’t tell her you love her, but why the distance? I don’t really understand that part.”

Remus pinches his mouth and sighs, “Guilt, mostly. I felt so guilty, because before the accident, there was just my mum and dad working at the farm and everything was fine. But after, my mum couldn’t really walk and being a farmer just didn’t seem possible, so they had to hire two apprentices to help out. That made my parents’ economy kind of crash. And that wasn’t the only thing. Mum used to be a pilot for small F1 races, and now she can’t. She lost everything she loved because of me.” He explains.

“I didn’t want to be a burden as well.” He shrugs, “They had all this shit to deal with because of me, and I didn’t want to add up to that. So, I only told them the stuff I knew would make them happy and proud but that was it. Nothing about me as a person, basically.”

Sirius stares at him and frowns. Then, he takes Remus’ wrists to stop his hands from fidgeting, making him look up at Sirius, “Remus, the accident wasn’t your fault.” He tells him, “It wasn’t. Your dad probably said that out of exhaustion, but I promise it’s not your fault. You didn’t know there would be a wolf, you didn’t plan for it to happen.”

“Are you psychoanalysing me?” Remus squints at him, and Sirius rolls his eyes, “I’m not saying it was my fault; I’m just saying that none of it would’ve happened if wasn’t for me.” He says, and Sirius chuckles.

“So you’re saying it’s your fault then.” Sirius shrugs, “Anyway, looking past that, you said that your mum lost everything because of the accident, but don’t you think that in distancing yourself, she kind of also lost her son?” he says, and really, Remus thinks that he has no business sounding this chill when saying things like that. Things that could actually make Remus cry.

“I…No.” He deadpans, “I’m still there, just… perfect and the version of me that’ll make them proud.” He shrugs.

Sirius raises an eyebrow, “You must realise that it’s stupid.” He tries and Remus rolls his eyes.

“Wow, way to be supportive, Pads. I swear, you sound like your brother.”

“Okay, that’s fair.” Sirius chuckles, “But you said that you realised that it made them sad. So I’m kind of right, here?”

Remus rolls his eyes, “Yeah okay. So now that you know everything, how do I fix this weird distance I put without it being weird and embarrassing?”

“I’m an expert on weird and embarrassing family stuff.” Sirius sighs and makes a show of cracking his knuckles, “Though, I’ll admit that it’s three thirty in the morning and that I kind of want to sleep.” He smiles tightly, and Remus’ eyebrows shoot up.

“I didn’t notice. Sorry, Pads, we can just talk tomorrow. I’m sorry, go to sleep.” He urges, but Sirius stays put.

“What I meant was that I’ll be brief about it.” He smiles at Remus, “Just talk to them. They’re understanding and loving: there’s no way they won’t be delighted you’re opening up to them. There’s no other way to do: you want to fix this distance, and closing distance is only done by crossing it.” He shrugs. Remus nods at him, then kicks his feet at him too shoo him off.

“Thanks Pads, I’ll think about it, but we’re sleeping now.” He says and lies back down on his side. He hears Sirius huff but settle at Remus’ back, enveloping him in a hug that makes Remus feel secure, and he hopes, as he falls back asleep, that it will be dreamless.

______________________________

Remus does think about it: it’s all he seems to be doing as he walks along the streets of Ankara for the next two days: on the sixth and seventh days, as Remus takes pictures of the Anıtkabir place his mind is wondering what to tell his parents; as he listens to Moody ramble on about Atatürk and the independence of Türkiye, he thinks of what his parent’s reaction will be. Most of all, on the seventh day at lunch, over his dozenth kebab since arriving in the country, he doesn’t know if his parents even want to know all that stuff. After all, Remus thinks, it’s not like they tried really hard to get to know him better. A phone call every few days when he was at school and only once every few weeks once he turned sixteen was all he ever got from them, and they never really tried to get more. Maybe they don’t really care that much, maybe they secretly hate Remus for the accident and are mostly glad he isn’t that close to them because he is nothing more than a burden to them. It’s the most recurrent thought that comes to him, and he knows that the more he waits, the more he will believe it and cower back into his comfortable ‘I’m never telling them anything’ zone. Deep down, he knows he has to come clean to them before he leaves for university. Even if that thought is scary as hell.
So, on the seventh evening, as they pack up yet again before embarking the next morning to Istanbul, Remus tells Sirius that he has come to a verdict.

“I want to tell them everything.” He announces, making Sirius turn to face him, “I don’t want to leave for uni without cleaning the mess first.” He sighs, “‘Cause if I’m honest, my relationship with them is a real mess.”

“If you say so.” Sirius shrugs, “I only came to the farm once, I didn’t really see how you guys act together.” He admits, and Remus snorts.

“Oh, it’s incredibly diplomatic. We’re strangers who live together two months a year and for two weeks at Christmas and Easter, so it’s usually all polite chitchat and almost silent dinners. We just don’t know each other.” He shrugs, and sighs, “I guess I just don’t want to dread the awkwardness of home when I come back for the holidays.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Sirius nods, “If you can still fix it, then I don’t see why you shouldn’t try.”

Remus nods and closes his suitcase, leaving space for his vanity he’ll put in come morning, “My thoughts exactly. They’re my parents, how bad can it go?”

“For real, they’re both lovely. Especially your mum.” Sirius smirks at Remus who swats him with a towel.

“Stop being weird about my mum.” He chastises with an affronted smile.

“Oh, but what can a man do upon Hope Lupin’s charm?” he says dramatically, putting a hand to his chest. He’s grinning, and his antics make Remus laugh.

“Ugh, stop it, I swear it’s basically incest to me.” Remus tries to hide a grin and fails.

Sirius chuckles and shrugs, “I’m just saying, I know where you get your good looks from.” He flirts, and Remus chuckles. A small moment passes, and Sirius speaks up again, “Do you want to tell your parents now?” he asks.

“Oh, God no.” Remus chuckles, “Give me more time, please.”

“Alright alright.” He smiles, “We can tell my parents, if you want? I mean, James’ parents.” Sirius adds sheepishly at the end.

Remus nods at him, “I know who your parents are.”

“I’m just saying, it could be an exercise for you.” Sirius shrugs, and Remus comes to sit on the bed next to him.

“Are you okay with telling your parents?” he asks. Sirius nods vigorously.

“Yeah, I’ve been wanting to. Just didn’t know when or how to do it.” He says, and continues when he sees Remus’ eyes are still searching his face, “I swear, I’m completely okay with being bi. I’m done with my confusion era.”

“Okay then.” Remus smiles at him, “Let’s call them.” He agrees, and not a minute later, Sirius is holding his phone up to capture both Remus and Sirius in the frame, the call connecting with Euphemia Potter’s phone back in England.

“Hi, Sirius!” Effie grins at them, “Oh Remus, how nice it is to see you! How are you both?” she asks sweetly.

“We’re great!” Sirius smiles back at her. In the screen, they can see her waving someone off screen over.

“Come, come, the boys are calling.” She smiles, and not a second later, Fleamont Potter enters the frame.

“Hi boys!” he says, grinning, “You’re in Ankara, right?” he asks, and both of them nod, “Oh such a wonderful city Ankara is. They have amazing hummus there.” He nods seriously, and Sirius chuckles.

“We’ll make sure to check out the hummus then, Dad.” Sirius smiles at him, “There’s actually something we wanted to tell you guys.” He starts, obviously picking their attention.

“What is it, dear?” Effie asks, leaning closer to the phone as if she would be able to see them better through the phone.

“Is James alright?” Monty starts, and then Effie gasps.

“He’s gone and eloped, hasn’t he?” she asks dramatically, “I knew it, he’s always been quite the romantic, James is, but denying his old maa of a wedding?”

“Oh no-“Remus starts, but Monty cuts him off, not paying him any mind.

“Oh, right, I’d quite like to meet this Lily.” Monty nods, “I mean we have seen her through What’s Apptime, but it isn’t quite the same, is it?”

“She has beautiful hair, Lily, she does.” Effie nods at her husband, “Oh but how wonderful it would’ve looked under a white veil!” she cries out, and Remus is deeply entertained. The Potters have always been quite extraordinary.

“Mum! Dad!” Sirius calls out with a huge grin on his face, “First of all, it’s called Facetime, What’s App’s entirely different. Well, I mean, not entirely, there are still definite similarities, but it’s not the same-“

“Pads.” Remus interrupts his babbling, and Sirius seems to remember that he was trying to make a point.

“Right, second of all, James and Lily haven’t gotten married!” he laughs, “They’ve been together, what, four months? It’d be crazy.”

“Oh, Thank Heavens!” Effie sighs, “Oh, I thought I had missed my son’s wedding.” She shakes her head.

“He could’ve done it though.” Monty nods, “He has always been a romantic.”

“Yeah, I could see it happen.” Remus nods at Sirius, who gapes at him.

“James?!” Sirius cries out, “He’s not crazy enough to get married at eighteen.” He shakes his head at Remus, who arches an eyebrow at him.

“He totally would do it.” He nods at Sirius, “If not at eighteen then at twenty. But that man isn’t staying celibate very long.”

“Precisely. He wouldn’t wait for his thirties to get married.” Monty shakes his head, and Effie redirects the conversation.

“Boys, all distractions aside, I believe you wanted to tell us something?” she asks, and Remus’ nerves crawl right back to his stomach.

“Right.” Sirius says in a tight voice and looks at Remus. Under the phone, Remus takes Sirius’ free hand and squeezes it. They can do this. It’s Effie and Monty, they’ll never be unsupportive. It’s just impossible for them to be.

“Remus and I are dating.” Sirius blurts out, “He, er, he’s my boyfriend.” He announces, and Remus doesn’t really know what else there is to do but sit there a keep smiling.

Monty moves to say something, but Effie puts a hand on his arm to stop him, “That’s wonderful, Beta. We’re really happy for you both.” She smiles, her warm motherly features falling upon them.

“How long has it been, exactly?” Monty inquires in a way that makes Remus think he has something in mind.

“Two months, sir.” Remus nods at him and doesn’t miss the way both Monty and Effie’s mouths pinch in a similar way when he calls him ‘sir’. They’ve been trying to get him to stop for ages. They look at each other then back at the screen.

“Only two months?” Monty asks with a frown.

“What my husband means to say,” Effie starts with a small smile tugging at her lips, “Is that we’ve been assuming that you were together for a little while now. Pardon us for our mistake.”

“Er, for how long?” Remus asks. Monty and Effie look at each other, then Monty laughs.

“I bet Effie that you two would end up married the first time I saw you.” He admits and earns himself a swat on the arm.

“But we were eleven!” Sirius cries out. He looks genuinely shocked, and Remus is certain a similar look is stretching across his features.

“Yes, well.” Effie smiles in that way of hers that Remus knows means she is about to say something meaningful, “Unconditional love is always visible on people’s faces. Even eleven year old children.”

Remus and Sirius turn slowly to look at each other and find the exact same expression: bewildered awe for Effies’ faculties to read into the future just like that.

“Now, I’m sorry it wasn’t the big revelation I’m sure you were hoping, Sirius.” Effie consoles him, and he only laughs.

“No, I’m sure I’ll have enough of that with Remus’ parents.” He smiles at them.

“Oh because you can get enough of dramatics?” Monty raises his eyebrows at him, and Sirius only rolls his eyes.

“Um, have you said anything to my parents, by any chance?” Remus asks, and Effie’s smile turns maternal again.

“No, beta, don’t worry about it. But they are unbelievably supportive, you must know that, Remus.” She smiles at him.

“Yeah.” He nods at her, “I know. Thank you.” He says, and thinks, as Effie returns his smile, that he only has one coming out left to do, and it’s the one that feels most dauting.

___________________________________________
Interlude: James’ pov

James Potter has always worn his heart out on his sleeve. For his entire life, he has always loved, loved so much and thoroughly, everyone and anyone. His mother had told him that he was so full of love that he didn’t know how not to have it come out of him in waves all the time. James couldn’t do anything about it: he didn’t know how to stop loving, still doesn’t. In most instances, it has been a rather useful tool: loving people easily meant making them feel special in his eyes, and therefore give him special treatment. Other times, it wasn’t so good: loving means setting yourself up for heartache.

But again, James doesn’t know how not to love. How not to give everything he has to the people he loves the most. So, he is used to heartache, barely feels it when people he loves leave: for example, Peter is currently exiting his life silently, choosing to distance himself gradually instead of just saying that he doesn’t want to be around him anymore, and it ought to hurt James – after all, Peter is his oldest friend – but it doesn’t. Well, yes, it does, because he is still losing his best friend, but it isn’t clawing at his heart, compressing it and making it hurt and bleed. Not like when he and Sirius had a fight in third year and didn’t speak for a week: then, James had cried every night, feeling like he was dying simply because the person he loved the most in the world, maybe just after his parents, wasn’t speaking to him. The feeling was so terrible: a mixture of hurt, guilt, sadness and heartache along with the physical pain that came with it, because when James loves, he feels it through his body. It can be small things, like a blush coming to his cheeks or his heart skipping a beat or on the contrary, beating too fast, or it sometimes it is bigger things, when bigger feelings are involved. The first time he thought he had fallen in love with some girl at summer camp when he was 15, he could almost feel the blood running through his veins. When she dumped him a month later, his heart hurt so bad that he thought it was going to give out and kill him.

So, James cares and loves a lot of people with everything he has. He always has, and it’s never been that much of a problem before. As he looks around the sitting room he is sitting in a hotel on the last night in Türkiye, in Istanbul, he sees so many people he loves. Sirius, who is sitting on a sofa with his hair in a bun and a smile on his face: James’ brother. James loves him so much he would do anything for him. James’ love for Sirius makes so much sense, that James is certain that they were always meant to be each other’s rocks. They were put on earth to be a team, to be a duo, to be Pads and Prongs. Next to Sirius is Remus, as always, with his more reserved smile and yet incredibly alight eyes. James loves him to bits too; perhaps not as intensely and all consuming as he does Sirius, but when Sirius is James’ soulmate, Remus is his absolute best friend in the world. James has never, ever questioned that he loved Remus, even if he did once wonder if this love was platonic or more. He’d never admit it: learning that Remus had liked him too at the same period of time was horrifying to James. What if they had tried something at the time? It would have been incredibly awkward, and James doubts that they could’ve continued to be best friends after that. No, James loves Remus platonically, because he is his best friend, and that’s it.

James continues to sweep the room with his eyes: on the floor next to Sirius and Remus’ sofa, Marlene and Dorcas are laughing as Dorcas braids Marlene’s hair while her girlfriend is drinking from a canned beer. James loves them too. Maybe less than his best friends, but they’re still in his heart. It doesn’t take very long for James to love. A few months is more than enough. On a single chair across the room is Pandora, who is on the phone with her boyfriend. Of course, James loves her too, even if he doesn’t know her as well as the others.

He looks over at the sofa right in front of his and sees the source of his conflict today. Next to Mary – whom James loves, for the record – is Regulus, arguing with her about something. James doesn’t hear what he is saying over the music and the buzzing of chatter filling the room, but he doesn’t have to. James knows that whatever he is saying doesn’t make any sense to James, because they are such polar opposites that James doesn’t imagine ever agreeing with Regulus, but he also knows that it is smart, because Regulus has never once uttered something that wasn’t well thought out beforehand. He isn’t like James or Sirius, the type to just say whatever comes to mind, not taking any time to make sure it won’t be misunderstood. No, Regulus says exactly what he means to say and takes his time formulating a wise sentence that will not be twisted out every time he speaks. Now, James hasn’t really spoken to him much, mostly because Regulus has made it clear that he despises James, but he still knows how smart he is. One doesn’t take down a massive crime sect from the inside without being a genius.

For the thousandth time, it leads James back to the same train of thought he has had a few times before. Why does Regulus hate him? What the hell did James do?

He has previously come to two different conclusions: one, Regulus is mad that James calls himself Sirius’ brother in some sort of siblinghood jealousy. Two, Regulus just doesn’t like James’ personality. But as much as James would understand him, he doesn’t think that warrants hatred. Dislike, yes, but hatred is a very strong emotion. James doesn’t understand why anyone would choose hate over love anyway.

Which begs back to his earlier inner monologue about love. While James is certain that he doesn’t love Regulus yet, after all he has been nothing but an asshole to James – something James should not find this interesting and attractive – he still thinks that he likes Regulus. In a romantic sense of the term.

He understands it, because of course he does; James has never been one to run from his feelings: Regulus is objectively beautiful, with refined, elegant curly hair and high cheekbones, pale skin that make his veins very visible and his dark green eyes that James always loved, even when he was fifteen, and had just stopped liking Remus and started liking the younger Black brother instead. That crush was brief, because Sirius ran from home a few months later, and Regulus quickly became an enemy to Sirius, so obviously James had to dislike him as well. For Sirius.

More than just looks, James might not know Regulus that well, but he knows enough about him to be intrigued. He has so many questions, but James is mostly curious about the boy: why does he hate James? Why did he decide to come with them even though he didn’t know anyone but Sirius and Pandora? Is the hardened look that still seems to haunt his features only a consequence of growing up in presence of Walburga and Orion Black or was it caused by something else? James doesn’t know, and it annoys him. He wants to know Regulus, really, James feels drawn by him. He feels like he has to figure it out.

Next to him, on the sofa, Lily sighs softly. Green eyes. James has always loved green eyes hasn’t he? Although, where Regulus’ are dark and almost grey, Lily’s are vibrant and bright, almost fluorescent. There’s someone else James loves. Lily Evans. The first time his eyes fell on her, his stomach swooped so hard he thought he might be sick. She is everything James had ever hoped for: beautiful, sarcastic, sweet and smart. So incredibly smart. James has a thing for brains, it seems. James had taken one look at her and fell in love.

With his track record with love, it comes to no surprise that James believes in love at first sight. He just gets a feeling for people, knows, the first time they meet, that they will become someone important in his story. When he met Lily, he knew there would be chapters about her in the book of his life. That’s probably why he had been so clumsy in the beginning: he knew that she was the only woman for him, and didn’t want to screw it up. So, after a few weeks, eye rolls from Lily and cheesy pick-up lines from James, she had finally kissed him in a Mary Jane costume in New York City, making James the happiest man on earth. From then, James knew he had definitely fallen in love, that it wasn’t just the love he felt for Mary, Marlene or Dorcas, no, that it was true, romantic love.
When he realised it, he didn’t want to hold it back. James had never been one to hide his feelings; James wore his heart out on his sleeve, he was the first to tell people how much he loved them. So, after not even a month, on a night in Egypt, James had told Lily that he had fallen in love with her.

What was most amazing was that Lily reciprocated it. James hadn’t believed it. He was the weirdo who fell in love with people after one discussion, and somehow, someone as wonderful as Lily said that she not only accepted his love but loved him as well. James had felt so happy. So incredibly happy.

He just didn’t expect to regret telling her. He would never regret loving someone, because he knows there is no more beautiful feeling than love, but he regrets telling her. Because it’s binding, it made the relationship as serious as James wanted it at the time. So, now, it makes James even guiltier.

Because James had promised her. He promised that he would try to get over Regulus, that he would make these feelings go away because he was only ever meant to love Lily. That’s how things were supposed to go. Are supposed to go. But James tried, tried almost everything to get over him, and he hasn’t succeeded. It’s been a battle: from trying to ease his curiosities over why Regulus hated him to picturing him with an oversized nose and green pimples all over his face to make him seem less attractive, but it never worked anyway. Regulus was always beautiful, irritating and so interesting, and James found himself breaking that promise.

Now, he was at an impasse. He was sure he had loved Lily in the past, but wasn’t sure if he loved her as much anymore, and while he didn’t think he was in love with Regulus, he was pretty sure that he could be, even if he was still with Lily. That only led to one conclusion.

James had to break up with Lily. It wasn’t fair to either of them: for Lily, who didn’t deserve to be a choice to anyone, who deserved to be put on a pedestal and be treated way better than James was offering right now. She deserves to be loved, and James wasn’t sure he could do that for her anymore. As much as he hated himself for it.

He turns his face to look at her on the sofa next to him. She’s lost in thought, looking at the sofa in front of them where Regulus and Mary are debating, and the look on her face, of repressed sadness and quiet thinking make James’ stomach drop. She looks sad, and James knows it’s his fault. It is, and James wants to try again. One last time, try again to get over his silly crush on Regulus in order to make Lily happy again. He owes her that much: to try. He looks at her green eyes and nods to himself. A quiet promise he makes to himself. Try one last time, and if it doesn’t work, let her go. He leans in and kisses Lily’s cheek to seal that promise, making her look at him in surprise.
He only smiles and stands up to go to the bathroom, and when he comes back, Lily is sitting on the opposite sofa with Mary, with Regulus nowhere to be seen. James knows an opening when he sees one, so he walks up to where Remus is sitting, and whispers in his ear.

“Moony, d’you know where Regulus went?” he asks. Remus is the only person he can freely talk about this. James already knows that he will be telling him how it went afterwards, and from experience, he knows Remus knows too.

“The roof.” Remus murmurs back, “Gone for a smoke.” He tells him, and James ruffles Remus’ hair in a thanks and leaves to the balcony.

This was his last option. The one thing he didn’t try. Asking Regulus directly why he hated him.

There’s a reason why he didn’t ask. Because yes, it does seem weird that James hasn’t done that before. First of all, there’s a good chance Regulus won’t answer: James knows. Second of all, he promised Sirius that he would steer clear of Regulus; it was the one condition Regulus imposed them before agreeing to come on the trip. He was merely respecting his brother’s wishes. But now, it seems, he’s going to have to break it. For Lily.

He walks onto the roof a minute later. It’s a little chilly outside for him in only a shirt and shorts, but James has lived worse: the dorms at Hogwin during winter. He sees Regulus instantly: he is leaning against the railing, looking over the city with a cigarette in his hand. He looks beautiful, and James would stay here just admiring him if he didn’t have to talk to him, if he door to the roof hadn’t slammed behind him, making Regulus snap his gaze towards the door, towards James.

As soon as his eyes fall on James, he knows that there’s no way he will be getting over him. Not when his mere presence makes James giddy and happy, something that disgusts him. How dare he feel this way when he is a man in a serious relationship?

He doesn’t answer this question for himself, simply because he has tried to do so too many times before, and he knows that the outcome is always unsatisfactory.

Regulus turns back to the city, ignoring James entirely, so James takes it upon himself to walk up to Regulus’ side.

“I know I’m not allowed to talk to you.” James starts, “Sirius told me that was your condition.”

Regulus grumbles, “Then why are you breaking it.” He asks, but it doesn’t sound like a question, more like an affirmation.

“I…I need to talk to you.” James asks, and Regulus still doesn’t grant him the pleasure of looking at him. No, instead Regulus keeps his gaze firmly locked on the Istanbul skyline in front of them. He doesn’t answer either, and James briefly wonders if he just decided not to acknowledge James any further.

“I-I just…” James starts, then sighs. His heart is thundering under his skin, and James hates feeling like this. It isn’t like him to feel all nervous like this. “Why was that your condition? Why do you hate me, Reg?”

“It’s Regulus.” He snaps, turning his glare on James for a second, then turning back to the skyline just as quickly. Something as simple as a pair of dark green eyes falling on him is enough for James’ heart to skip a beat. Regulus hadn’t granted him the sympathy of looking at him all throughout the last month.
A long moment passes, so much that James thought he wasn’t going to elaborate any more, but then he continues, “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“You hate me. I have a right to know why.” James presses, and Regulus looks close to scoffing. He doesn’t, but James is sure he scoffed internally.

“Bold of you to assume I care enough to hate you.” He says in a low voice, “Hate is a strong, demanding emotion. You don’t matter enough for me to give you any emotion.” Regulus drawls and takes a drag of his cigarette, pointedly showing the end of his sentence.

James continues to look at him, ignoring the tight squeeze in his chest. Regulus is speaking to him! “You don’t care enough to hate me but you care enough for your only condition to be not speaking to me.” He recounts, “It doesn’t make any sense.”

Regulus hears him, James knows, because he waits until James is done speaking to exhale the smoke, as if keeping it inside was grounding him. “And it’s none of your business.” He says forcefully, a tone that has probably worked in the past, one indicating that he is done with the conversation and for his interlocuter to back off, but he really doesn’t know James if he thinks this is going to get him to back down. No, he is still on a mission, and there’s only one way he could possibly get over Regulus, and it’s by learning why he hates James.

He waits a little, in case Regulus wants to add something, but after a bit, he speaks up again, “You know, I’m not leaving you alone until you tell me why you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” Regulus rolls his eyes. “And I’m not telling you why I dislike you either.”

“Oh but you will.” James presses with a smirk, “I can be very dissuasive, you know.” He tries, and Regulus only takes the last drag of his cigarette before letting it fall to the floor.

“I’m sure you are.” He indulges but doesn’t elaborate.

“Oh, I am.” James nods at him with a grin. Regulus ignores him and only takes another cigarette off his pack. “Can I bum you one?”

That, for some reason, makes Regulus look at him, “You don’t smoke.” He states, and really, how curious is it that Regulus doesn’t care enough to hate him, but cares enough to know about his smoking habits.

“I do, sometimes. And I’d like to do it now, please?” he smiles what he thinks is the most chivalrous smile he can muster, and Regulus only raises an eyebrow.

“Is that how you get everyone to do whatever you want? By grinning like an idiot?” Regulus asks and goes to light his cigarette. He brings the lighter to the cigarette between his lips and when it’s lit, James snags it off his mouth to bring it to his lips.

“Either that, or I just do whatever I want.” He grins and takes a drag, “Not much you can do now but give it to me, eh?” he says. Upon his words, Regulus doesn’t simply light himself another cigarette but instead draws his arm up to snag it back from James’ lips.

“Or I can just take it back.” Regulus glares at him and takes a drag, putting his lips exactly where James’ were a second earlier. A childish voice in his head tells him that it’s like an indirect kiss, and that makes him think that he would really like to kiss Regulus for real. So much for trying to get over him.

“I can’t believe you’d just do that.” James deadpans, “You just stole my cigarette.”

Regulus levels him with a glare and takes another drag, “Classic.” He mutters with his exhale.

James frowns, “What was that?” he asks, and Regulus only roll his eyes.

“I said it was classic.” He spits out and leans his side against the railing to properly stare at James, “Classic James Potter. Perfect Golden Boy Potter who just takes whatever he wants and then acts as if it were his property.” He drawls and rolls his eyes at the end for good measure.

“I-“ he tries, then frowns, “Is this about the cigarette or about Sirius?” he asks, and is met with a sharp glare.

“I think you know exactly what I meant.” Regulus snaps and starts to move, as if he wanted to leave the roof. That absolutely cannot happen, so James wraps a hand around Regulus’ wrist to make him stop. It works, pins Regulus in place and for some reason much closer than he was before.

“You’re not leaving. I swear I won’t bother you again for the rest of my life, just answer to me.” James pleads with him, and Regulus snags his wrist off James’ hold.

“Don’t touch me.” He says quickly, as if on instinct, “Yes, Potter, I hate that you stole my brother from me and became the brother he never had.” He says spitefully, “I hate that you’re everything I’m not and that it’s exactly why he loves you better than me.”

James lets the words float in the air for a moment, “You said you didn’t hate me.” He frowns, and Regulus scoffs.

“Of course that’s what you take from this. The one part that’s about you.” He rolls his eyes.

“No, it’s the only thing I take from this because the rest is bullshit.” James stares at Regulus, at the way his eyes look up straight into James’ at his words, “Sirius doesn’t love me better than you. I didn’t steal your brother, I was just there when you weren’t.” he explains forcefully, “You know that Sirius loves you to death.” He adds, and Regulus rolls his eyes.

“So, calling my brother your brother isn’t a little bit stealing? How the fuck would you feel if I decided to call your mum my mum for a change and take her from you?” he asks, and James can only shake his head. He didn’t come here to fight, but Regulus is saying some bullshit about James’ soulmate that he cannot let fly.

“Regulus, I didn’t take Sirius from you, you’re the one who cut ties with him for two whole years. You’re the one who stayed in that house, so don’t you put your weird relationship with Sirius on my shoulders.” He explains forcefully.

Regulus shakes his head and stays silent for a bit, looking everywhere but into James’ eyes. “I’m not talking about my relationship with my brother with you. Even less about why I didn’t contact him for two years.” He shakes his head, “Now you’ve had your answer, just let me go.”

“No.” James shakes his head. It’s too little time. James cannot risk not speaking to Regulus ever again when he still has so many things to learn about him. He doesn’t want to let him go. “I haven’t had my answer. You don’t only hate me because of Sirius. There’s something else. I want to know.”

“Oh, and whatever will happen if you don’t get everything you want?” Regulus says sarcastically, “I imagine the sky will collapse on us.”

James smiles, “Did you just make a joke?”

“No, I was antagonising you.” Regulus drawls, “Just underlining what a selfish egocentric spoiled little bitch you are.” He says, making James’ jaw drop to the floor.

“You-You just called me a bitch?” James gapes at him, “I cannot believe you would do that.”

Regulus only rolls his eyes, not answering James, and it makes James think of something Regulus said earlier. Now that the atmosphere is a little lighter, he allows himself to say it, “You called me perfect earlier.” He smirks, “Now, hate and love aren’t that different from one another, and I would definitely understand if you fell in love with my charming personality and good looks.” He grins, and Regulus just stares at him like he’s crazy.

“I don’t think we know each other well enough for you to be embarrassing yourself this badly in front of me.” Regulus deadpans, and he kind of has a point.

“Come on, just admit it!” James grins, back to his bubbly personality, “You actually like me!” he grins in a teasing way that Regulus misinterprets.

“So, what, more than being an asshole you’re also homophobic?” Regulus raises his eyebrows, and James’ eyes widen almost instantly.

“No! No, no way, I’m not like that! I wouldn’t make fun of you for liking me! Obviously not!” he says quickly, because there is no way Regulus can continue to think that he is bigoted. In a perfect world, he would also know that James isn’t an asshole, or at least not every day, but well. This is far from a perfect world.

“Right.” Regulus continues to stare at James with an expression that James absolutely cannot read. “So, if I tell you that I’m gay, you wouldn’t make fun of me, right? Because you’re ‘not like that’.” Regulus frowns at him, and James feels like he’s discovering an entirely new person. One who has a personality that James had yet to discover.

“No, of course not. I’m actually-“ he starts, but Regulus cuts him off.

“And if I tell you that you’re right, that, I’m desperately in love with you and that it’s the only reason I even came on this trip. Would you not be disgusted?” he tries again, and James feels the blush running to his cheeks. He’s ashamed of himself for thinking that he would actually love that. He really wants Regulus to be in love with him. Because he’s pretty sure he crossed that line a while ago himself.

He really has to break up with Lily. He shoves that thought to the back of his brain and concentrates back on Regulus, who is obviously making fun of him.

“Aw, I knew you were a little romantic at heart, Reggie!” James teases with a huge beam on his face, and Regulus shakes his head a few times. James ignores him and continues, “I would be honoured to be the recipient of your love-“, he tries, but is cut off by Regulus once again.

“It’s Regulus.” He says forcefully, “I don’t have time for your weird antics.” He says again, losing all the playfulness he had gained and closing back into his reserved self. The more James spends time with him, the more he wants to learn everything about him. And it’s only been like fifteen minutes.

“You’re the one who started it by calling me homophobic!” James chuckles, and Regulus rolls his eyes.

“You’re the one who came on the roof to bother me.” He raises the long forgotten cigarette to his lips, and lights it back up, “You can leave now.” He asks, and James shakes his head.

“Nuh uh.” He grins, “You still haven’t told me why you hate me.”

“I really feel like I have.” Regulus mumbles, “You’re a prat who gets everything he wants and who stole my brother. Pretty much sums it up.”

“No, there’s something else.” James shakes his head, “I can feel it.” He lies. He has no idea if Regulus has another reason, but he is trying to get some more time with him. He feels drawn to him in a way he hasn’t felt in his life before.

“There isn’t.” Regulus differs as he turns back to look at the city. James stays rooted and continues to stare at Regulus, at the beautiful angle of his jaw and at the hair that falls in waves over his temples.

“There is! Just say it, Reg.” James presses.

“There isn’t!” Regulus says more forcefully, still looking out the city.

“Come on, I just want to know this one thing!” he begs, “I won’t bother you again.”

James’ pressing seems to make Regulus cave. He snaps his body to face James’ and asks with a force in his voice that James has never heard before. It’s akin to anger, but mostly feels like hurt. “You really want to know? You want to know why I fucking hate you, James?” Regulus shouts out, and James doesn’t answer. Regulus doesn’t seem to be waiting for one. He simply marches up to James, plants both hands on either of his cheeks and kisses James full on the lips with a force that makes James stumble back.

It takes James about three seconds to realise what is happening. Regulus is kissing him. Regulus is angry, and the reasons why he hates James is because he is kissing him. Regulus is kissing him. When he finally registers what is happening, James brings his hands to Regulus’ back and kisses him back with almost as much force as Regulus does. Upon his reaction, Regulus opens his mouth, probably in shock, and James seizes the opportunity to thrust his tongue inside to meet Regulus’. It’s good, the kiss feels heavenly and amazing but most of all it feels right. It feels like everything James ever wanted.

That thought makes James draw back as quickly as he came forward. It isn’t everything James ever wanted. James wanted Lily, just one day ago. A few hours back, really. He wanted her as he walked up to the roof to get rid of his feelings.

Well. That worked out well, he thinks bitterly.

He takes a few steps back from Regulus as he realises what just happened, and he really needs to put some distance because everything in his body is telling him to reattach himself to Regulus and kiss him until morning, but he can’t. He can’t do that to Lily. He has to break up with her first.

He only realises how many steps he took until his back hits the far wall. There’s at least ten meters separating him and Regulus now, but it’s not enough for James not to see the look on Regulus’ face. It’s pure hatred, anger and anguish and it lights his cold face like a fire. He looks scary, and James truly feels like a moth to the flame.

“That’s why I fucking hate you, Potter. Fuck you. Never talk to me again.” Regulus bites in the coldest voice James has ever heard from him, cold that differs from the warmth James felt in his mouth. Regulus throws his cigarette on the floor and almost runs to the door to get back to the hotel. James only stares after his shadow, and it’s twenty minutes after Regulus has gone, and when he is certain that he isn’t coming back, or that he is long gone, that James walks towards the staircase too.

He has yet another difficult conversation to have. He has to break up with Lily.

_____________________________
Interlude: Lily’s pov.

Lily has to break up with James. It’s what she realised on that night, the last night in Türkiye, when she was sitting on a sofa next to him. She felt his warmth next to her, his quietness that wasn’t usual to anyone else, but one that she got used to after sleeping in the same room for the past few months. James gets quiet sometimes, and that night was one of them. Lily didn’t need to look at him to know that he was lost in thought, looking around the room like he was analysing everyone around him. Lily too, was lost in thought. She sighed internally, and looked around the room too, at her friends. At these people that meant a lot to her, these people that she had let in close to her after James tore down the walls she had build around her heart.

The more she thought about it, the more she wondered if the entire point of her relationship with James was just that: for him to tear down the barriers she had fixed for herself and make her allow herself to love again. Because James was vibrating with love, and Lily could do nothing but open her own heart and accept it. And now that she isn’t sure she wants to be with him anymore, she can’t help but think that it was his only purpose.

Because despite appearances, Lily believes wholeheartedly that everybody’s story is written beforehand, that the things that happen or people we encounter are meant to be, meant to happen to either teach us a lesson or make us grow. So, she thinks, maybe James was only there to make her feel happy and young again. Make her love.

And now, he doesn’t need to be in her life anymore. Or maybe just not be her boyfriend. Because while she loves him, she isn’t certain she loves him any more than she loves Sirius or Remus. She might have been in love with him, for a little while, but she doesn’t think she is anymore. And it wouldn’t be fair of her to stay with him when her feelings are dampened.

As if reading her thoughts, James had kissed her cheek and stood from the sofa in direction of the toilet. It was the last of him she saw that night before right now. But we’ll get to that point later.

Only a minute later, Regulus had risen from his seat as well, grumbling about needing a smoke, leaving Mary alone on the sofa. Pandora had followed him, although Lily didn’t think it was to smoke too: she was way too pure to be a smoker.

Not wanting to spend any more time thinking about Regulus, as he was also a big reason why she wanted to call it off with James, she walked over to sit on the sofa Mary was left alone in. Mary grinned as she saw Lily, gesturing for her to sit down next to her. She looked pretty, like always, really, with her hair in two buns and that burgundy lipstick they bought together back in Milan. They talked for a while, and Lily forgot everything about James, about stupid boys and feelings; instead, she discussed stupidities with her best friend with a huge smile on her face. They talked for a very long time, about their friends, about stupid TikToks they saw, about their families and memories of their school years. Around one in the morning, they started talking about their plans for after the trip, come October.

“I guess I’m moving to Paris.” Mary chuckled, “It’s still fucking surreal, but since I got the internship at LVMH, I don’t really have a choice.” She grinned.

“You’re so lucky.” Lily sighed, like she did every time they broached the subject, “You just picked a fight and got a job.” She reminds her, making Mary giggle, “I wish I’d get something great every time I picked a fight too.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “As if you didn’t get James after telling him to fuck off a thousandth times.” She chuckled, “We don’t all have your luck with men.”

“I’d rather have your luck.” She mumbled, “You’ll find someone, anyway. You’re not even eighteen, girl, you have so much time.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Mary sighed, “Hey how crazy is it that it was no one’s birthday in the last five months?” she asked.

Lily cocked her head in thought, “Oh yeah, that’s true. Though it’s your birthday next week.” 14th of September. It had always been an important day for Lily: it meant doing everything she could to make her best friend’s birthday the best day ever, topping whatever she had done the year before every year.

“Yeah. God, I’m going to be eighteen.” Mary moaned, running her hands over her face, “That’s so old.”

“Hey!” Lily grinned, “I’m eighteen too, you know?”

Mary chuckled, “Yeah, but you know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes, “You literally cried on your birthday because you didn’t want to be an adult.”

“That’s what birthdays are for.” Lily shrugged, “Who doesn’t cry on their birthday?”

“Me.” Mary said seriously, making Lily splutter in laughter.

“Please.” Lily grinned, “I’ve known you seven years, and each year, you’ve cried on your birthday. That’s not going to work with me, Mary.”

“No, no, I’m aware of my track record.” She laughed, “But I won’t cry this year. I going to have a perfect birthday in Prague, we’ll all have a lot of fun, at that’s it. No tears from me.”

Lily laughed too, “Okay you’re on. I bet you ten pounds you’ll cry on your birthday.”

“Do you want me to be unhappy?” Mary gaped at her, “That’s so mean, Lils.” She said, and Lily felt the usual flutter in her heart she feels whenever someone calls her that. She really, really loves that nickname.

“I just know you. I know you’re going to cry on your birthday, just like every year since I’ve known you.” Lily answered, and Mary’s gaze softened.

She sighed, “Okay, ten pounds. I’ll hold it in, I swear.” She said, making Lily chuckle. They were silent for a moment, until Mary spoke up again, “God, we’re getting old.” She sighed, “Can you believe we’re about to be real adults? No Flitwick to tell us when to go to sleep, no Moody to guide us around. We’re going to be entirely on our own.”

“We’re growing up.” Lily shrugged, “I mean, I’ve been eighteen for nine months. I voted this year, for fuck’s sake.” She chuckled. “I think we’re going to do just fine in the real world.”

“Well yeah, you’ve been an adult your entire life.” Mary rolled her eyes.

“Mary, do you honestly think you’ll ever let a man do better than you?” Lily asked, because it’s Mary’s love/hate relationship with men that fuels her the most.

“Oh god no. Okay, yeah, no, I’m going to eat this shit up.” She shook her head, “Yeah, thanks Lils. There’s no way I’m letting myself be bested by a man.”

“There you go. We’re going to ace this. Life.” Lily added, and Mary nodded in agreement.

“You haven’t told me your plans.” Mary asked a minute later, “You wanted to go to Manchester’s university to be with James, right?” she said, and Lily felt her happy feeling subside. She did say that, didn’t she?

“Er.” Lily grimaced, “I don’t think I want to. Or at least not for James.”

Mary looked at her warily, “Oh. Is he still a little weird about Regulus?” she asked carefully.

“Yeah.” Lily sighed, “Not really? I…I don’t think we’ll still be together by the end of the trip.” She admitted, and watched as Mary’s eyes grew in size.

“Oh, okay. Well, you were still hesitating between law and med school, right?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Lily sighed, “You don’t think I can do both, do you?” she asked, and Mary chuckled.

“You’d be excellent at both anyway, you know that.” Mary said, making Lily smile sheepishly.

“Thanks, Mary.” She smiled, “I was accepted into both med and law school, I just haven’t made my choice yet.”

Mary seemed to be about to say something, but realised something completely different just before opening her mouth, “Wait.” She started to grin, “That school in Paris that you applied to. The big fancy one…?” she asked, and Lily frowned.

“Science Po?” she said in a poor French accent, and Mary snapped her fingers in recognition.

“Yes! Were you accepted there as well?” she asked, and Lily thought back to that morning in Mexico when she heard back from all these schools, including the one in Paris. She remembered her smile and her cheers as she saw the ‘Accepted’ emails for almost every one of those schools.

“Yeah, I was.” She smiled tentatively, “Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” she asked and searched Mary’s face. She looked happy, carefree and looked like she was thinking the exact same thing as Lily was. Her mouth split into a wide grin, and her eyes reduced to slits as she nodded her head back and forth. So happy. So beautiful.

“I am!” Mary beamed, “Lily Evans, will you make me the happiest woman on earth and move in with me in Paris?” she asked, and Lily’s heart skipped a beat. She continued to look at Mary to find if she was joking, as Mary usually was, or if she was serious. Nothing in her face indicated anything but happiness and hopefulness.

“Yes.” Lily found herself saying, then her lips curling in a smile, “Yeah, I’ll live in Paris with you.” She grinned at Mary, who giggled and threw herself at Lily in a hug.

“Wait you’re serious?” Mary asked, a wide grin stretched over her face, as she leaned back from the hug, “Like one hundred percent?” she made sure, and Lily only found herself nodding. She couldn’t refuse what seemed to be such a great plan if it meant wiping the smile off Mary’s face.

“Why not?” Lily said, “Science Po sounds great, and not being roomies with you seems crazy to me.” She shook her head, all too aware of the closeness with Mary. They were still sitting upright, but they weren’t at either ends of the sofa anymore, but rather sharing the same breath.

She wasn’t so used to be close to Mary physically, but that surely couldn’t explain the way her heart beat faster. Lily looked past it.

“I know right?” Mary agreed, “I’ll admit, the day we left Rowena forever, I cried a bit.” She said, and Lily chuckled.

“You think I didn’t hear you sob in your bunk?” she raised an eyebrow, “I was crying too, you dumbass.” She grinned.

“God, Marls must’ve thought we were little cry-babies.” Mary smiled.

“Why did I hear my name?” Marlene turned around, and Lily had almost forgotten that they weren’t alone in the room. She looked around: James, Pandora nor Regulus had come back, Remus was asleep against Sirius’ shoulder, who was looking at him like the lovesick idiot he is, and Marlene and Dorcas were looking at them on the floor.

“Did you hear us cry on the last night at Rowena?” Lily asked, and Marlene chuckled.

“Oh, yeah. I was crying too, so I didn’t say anything.” She grinned, and Dorcas’ smile turned mocking.

“Aw, what a bunch of little babies.” She cooed, “All crying when they leave school.”

“Like you didn’t cry when you left school?” Marlene’s eyebrows shot up, and Dorcas only shrugged.

“No. I hated everyone but Pandora and Sybill. Well, I could stand Sybill.” She adds, making them laugh.

“Oh excuse us, Cas, we’re not heartless monsters.” Mary rolled her eyes, “I was sad to leave my dorm.”

“Hey, watch how you talk to my girl!” Marlene defended, like she always did. Mary only rolled her eyes and decided to change the subject.

“Hey, guess what?” she grinned, and Lily knew what she was about to say, so she smiled too, “Lily and I are going to move to Paris together in October.” She announced.

Marlene, Dorcas and Sirius eyes widened, “Oh my God!” Dorcas exclaimed, “That’s amazing, girls.” She grinned.

“You’re going to be roommates without me?” Marlene arched an eyebrow, but Lily knew she wasn’t really mad. Marlene wasn’t the type to get mad about these kinds of things.

“Yeah, we’ll make witches chants to make you unhappy forever too.” Lily nodded at her.

“Be prepared to be haunted by us.” Mary added to it, grinning just like Lily was.

Marlene looked at them and crossed her arms, “Wow. Seven years of friendship only for you to cross me out of your lives.” She sighed dramatically.

“As we said, we hate you, Marls.” Lily smiled sweetly at her. Dorcas laughed.

“Aw, don’t you cry, babe.” She smiled and kissed Marlene’s cheek, “I’ll be with you, making enchantments for their flat to burn down.” She grinned, and that, somehow, made Marlene smile.

“Or we’ll be the ones setting the fire.” She smirked evilly.

“Wait you guys are moving in together?” Sirius inquired. Lily and Mary nodded, and that only made Sirius frown. “What about James?” he asked, because of course, he would look out for James first thing.

Mary is quick to make him realise, “No congratulations? You could take one second to be happy for your friends before making it about your best friend.” She rolled her eyes.

“She’s right.” Marlene nodded, backing her up, “You could be happy for them.”

“No, I am.” Sirius disagreed, “I’m happy for you, guys, I’m just wondering. I thought the plan was for you and James to live together in Manchester.” He asked Lily sweetly, but she knew that if she hurts James, Sirius would drop that sweetness very quickly. But, well, if she was going to live with Mary in Paris, then there was no question anymore. She had to break up with James.

That’s where she is right now. Sitting on a sofa next to her best friend in Istanbul, getting asked by her boyfriend’ best friend why she wasn’t going to live with him come October.

“I…” she sighs, “Sirius, don’t hate, me, but I’m going to break up with James.” She admits, and feels it as the room falls silent. “I’m going to do it tonight, because it’s not fair of me to wait any longer.” She explains.

Sirius gapes at her, “Why? Why would you do that!? Prongs is the best guy to ever exist! Why would you want to break up with him?!” he asks frantically, and promptly wakes up Remus, who pretty much jumps at the volume of his boyfriend’s voice.

“What’s going on?” Remus asks with a sleep laden voice, “Why are you yelling?” he asks through a yawn.

“Lily’s going to break up with Prongs!” he cries out, and his voice starts to get higher, “That’s lunacy!”

“Sirius-“ Marlene tries to calm him, but Remus starts talking at the same time.

“Pads, I’m sure Lily has a reason.” Remus tells him, and directs his soft gaze onto Lily, “Right?” he asks, and Lily feels like he knows more than he should. Probably from those few days he spent alone with James back in Greece.

“Yes. I do.” She nods, “But I think I should be having this conversation with him first, actually.” Everyone nods at her, accepting her decision, unless Sirius who flexes his jaw.

“Fine. But I swear to God, Evans, if you break his heart, I’ll do everything in my possible to make your life hell.” He menaces, making everyone except Lily roll their eyes.

“No, you won’t.” Remus sighs.

“Oh, my, you’re hot when you’re angry.” Mary gushes, batting her lashes at him.

“Children, go home, Sirius Black is mad!” Marlene calls out, making Dorcas bark out a laugh.

“He’s going to make her life hell!” Dorcas mocks, “She’s doomed!” they all grin, and Sirius only rolls his eyes.

“Make fun of me.” He shrugs, “Remember that I know where you live.”

Lily laughs, “Sure, I’ll remember that.” She grins at him, because admittedly, Sirius is a little funny when he tries to be scary. Silence settles over the room, but not for long.

“Lils.” Remus calls, “You have to do it now.”

“Yeah, you do.” Mary nods at her.

“Don’t break his heart.” Sirius pleads, “Be gentle.”

“I will. I still love him, I’m just… not in love with him anymore.” She shrugs, takes a deep breath and stands up, “Here it goes, I guess.” She sighs and walks out of the room. She takes a few deep breaths and walks up the stairs to their room. She knows that James isn’t sleeping: he always waits up for her, every time, even when she wasn’t speaking to him. She pauses when she reaches the door. Thinks back to the wonderful times they spent together, the way he made her feel, all the love he effortlessly gave her. She hates to do that, hates to say goodbye to something that was so great. She almost doesn’t push the door, almost doesn’t enter the room. But she has to do it. It’s not fair to anyone if she stays in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in anymore. So, Lily pushes the door.

As Lily expected, James is laying on the bed on his phone, probably watching something stupid, and he snaps back upright when she enters. What she didn’t expect was to see dried tears on his cheeks and red puffy eyes.

“Hey, what’s going on?” she frowns instantly and comes to sit on the bed in front of him. He shakes his head and sniffs.

“I’m sorry. Didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” He sighs and rubs at his eyes, “We have to talk.” He says, and Lily frowns.

“Uh, yeah, sure. What-what’s going on?” she inquired with her brows furrowed.

“I’m so sorry.” He starts, and he looks like he might cry again, which makes Lily wonder how long she will manage not to cry. James takes a deep breath and looks at Lily in the eyes. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but seems to be incapable of uttering a single word. He closes his mouth and takes Lily’s hands in his and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, they’re clearer and determined.

“I think we have to break up.” He says in a soft voice, “I’m really sorry, Lily. I didn’t want to have to do that, but I don’t think it’s fair to you or me if we keep on like this.” He explains.

Lily’s first internal reaction is, fucker, you stole my line. Her second reaction is to laugh at her first reaction. And her third is to wonder why he wants to break up.

“Why?” she asks in a whisper, as if she couldn’t muster a louder response. She clears her throat, “Why do you want to break up?” she asks louder, then thinks back to the past, “Is it because of him?” she asks, and is surprised at the spite there is in her voice.

James’ head drops, like a guilty man, and when he looks up, his eyes are full of tears, “I’m so sorry, Lily. I really tried to get over him. I really, really tried.” He repeats, as if the more he says it, the more Lily will believe him, “I just… I don’t think I can.’ He adds in a whisper, and Lily shakes her head. She understands; feelings are difficult. You can’t control them, and she expects someone like James to have so much love it bubbles over and falls onto too many people. She just didn’t expect it to hurt like this.

Then, a voice in her head tells her that it’s because she wasn’t enough. Because Regulus was more, better than her. That she just wasn’t good enough for someone as amazing as James.

“Tell me it wasn’t my fault.” Lily murmurs, because she always found that honesty was the best medicine with James.

“No, of course it wasn’t your fault.” James frowns, “Lily, I am certain that you’re the only woman I’ll ever love as much as I did.” He places both of his hands on Lily’s jaw, thumbing over her cheeks, “I love you, Lily. Just… not as much as I used to.” He sighs, “Don’t blame yourself. You’re amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re just…You’re perfect Lily. Just not perfect for me.” He explains, and Lily feels the tears on her cheeks mirroring James’.

She stares at him, at the look of sorriness, apology and… guilt? She frowns. Does James feel guilty for breaking up with her, or is there something he isn’t telling her? Something in her gut tells her it’s the second option.

“You’re hiding something.” She states. James only nods.

“Not hiding. I was going to tell you in a minute.” He whispers, and starts to bite his lip. He looks nervous, guilty and sad, and Lily can only think of the worst.

“Did you cheat on me?” Lily asks coldly. She thinks back to James leaving, and Regulus following. To neither of them showing up back at the party. Her jaw flexes on its own, and she feels every last bit of love she held for him just vanish, even before James could articulate his answer.

“I didn’t sleep with him. But I kissed him, yes.” He admits, and at least he isn’t like Severus: a asshole who didn’t even admit to cheating when all the proof was there. But that doesn’t make him less of an asshole.

Lily withdraws her hands from James’ right away. She stands up from the bed, needing to put as much distance with James as possible. Yes, she was going to break up with him when she entered the room as well, but she didn’t think James would be the type to do that. He had always been so lovely and respectful, such a gentleman who loved so abundantly, and now, he was kissing other people behind Lily’s back.

“Lily, please.” His voice breaks, but he continues, “I’m not asking for you to understand, it just don’t want you to hate me. I already fucking hate myself for it, and you have every damn right to hate me as well, but please don’t. I…You mean so much to me, and even if I can’t have you in that way anymore, I don’t want to lose you either.”

She only shakes her head over and over again. Her brain is already swimming with ideas of what could have happened: for James to be lying and actually have had sex with Regulus, for James to have begged Regulus for a kiss, for James to have been forced into a kiss and for him to blame himself. Lily doesn’t want to wonder.

“Tell me exactly what happened.” She demands, and James nods right away.

“I went up to the roof to talk to him. I…you know I’d been trying to get over him, and I was ready to just give up and break up with you because I couldn’t get rid of those feelings, but I decided to give it one last shot. I thought that I was so interested in him was because he hated me, and frankly, not many people do, and that I was just curious.” He explains.

“So, I went to the roof to ask him why he hated me. We fought a bit, because, you know, it’s Regulus.” James rolls his eyes, “He said some stuff about my relationship with Sirius, and that I was a spoiled prat, and when I said that I knew he had another reason, he got really angry and just, he-he kissed me? Just, like, angrily, I guess, and I didn’t push him off.” He confesses, looking down at himself in shame.

“No, I actually kissed him back, which I definitely shouldn’t have, and when I realised what was happening, I pushed him off. Then, he insulted me and left.” He recounts, then bites his lip again, “I’m really sorry, Lily. I shouldn’t have kissed him back.” He says in a defeated voice, and Lily needs a minute to recount the events in her mind.

Regulus kissed James. James kissed him back. The sole reason James was with Regulus was to get over him. James stopped the kiss when he realised.

It’s a not brainer to Lily that he still shouldn’t have kissed him. But she can understand. She closes her eyes. What if it were you? The picture comes to her naturally: she’s on a roof, Mary is looking out the city, then turns to face Lily. In a minute, her lips are on Lily. Would she pull of? Or would she deepen the kiss?

Lily has her answer immediately. She doesn’t think about it any further.

When she opens her eyes, James is staring at her intensely. He gives her the time to process her emotions, something she thinks should be normal, but she still feels grateful, because not many would do that.

“James, you have to know that there’s no way I’m ever going to get back with you. We’re through, forever. I can’t be with someone who did that to me.” She explains, and James nods instantly.

“You deserve better. I agree with you, I had my chance, and I blew it. I’m sorry.” He apologises again. When Lily stays silent for a little longer, James asks her silently, “Do you hate me?”

Lily looks at him, and now that the initial shock has past, it doesn’t hurt as much as it ought to. She understands him. “No. I don’t hate you.” She sighs, and walks over to the bed. James doesn’t move at first, but when he sees that Lily is sitting next to him, he scoots over to leave her some space.

“You know, before I came in here, I was going to break up with you.” Lily declares after a beat, and James snaps his head towards her.

“What?” he asks in a surprised tone, “Why?” he frowns, obviously flabbergasted by the information.

Lily shrugs, “I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore either.” She admits, “That doesn’t mean that you’re excused for kissing someone else, by the way.” She clarifies, and James chuckles.

“Noted.” He nods, “Is there any reason you’ve fallen out of love?” he asks, and really, Lily feels like he is more curious than hurt.

“I don’t know. I mean, the fact that you were all over someone else surely had to do with it.” She rolls her eyes, then just decides to spit it out, “I know we said we’d live in Manchester together, but I just agreed to live with Mary in Paris come October.” She declares.

James eyes widen, “Wow, Paris. So, you just didn’t see any future with me, is that it?” he asks again, and Lily isn’t surprised. James always likes to make the most sense of things.

“Yeah, pretty much.” She sighs. A beat passes in silence, and Lily breaks it after a minute, “Sucks that it ends like this, doesn’t it?”

“Yep.” James nods, “I really loved you; you know?” he says, and Lily can only nod back at him.

“I know. I did, too.” She acquiesces. “Would you have preferred a messy break up with plates flying everywhere and insults thrown?” she asks, and James smiles.

“Nah, that’s Sirius’ thing. I’d rather we stay friends.” He smiles at her, a smile she reciprocates.

“Okay. I want to keep you in my life too.” Lily agrees, “So, friends?” she asks.

James smiles sweetly, like he used to do in the beginning, when he wasn’t sure what he was doing, “Yeah, friends. Should we shake on it?” he asks, and Lily cocks her head.

“Can we kiss one last time? Before we become friends again?” she asks him, and he takes a moment to look at her with awe on his face.

“Yeah, I’d love that.” He smiles and leans in to kiss her sweetly. He tastes familiar, like long nights and love, like summer and happiness, but there’s also a faint taste of smoke Lily never tasted in James that somehow feels bittersweet. Like her time has gone.

When they part, Lily holds her hand up, a hand that James seizes.

“Friends.” Lily smiles at him.

“Friends.”