Australia
For some reason, this catches Remus by surprise. It’s not like it’s never happened, not like he’s never seen Sirius off with whatever girl he chose that day, but it still surprises him. Still makes his gut turn, the back of his throat close up, and embarrassingly, his eyes prickle a bit. He clears his throat and leaves to the hotel without another word, without going back inside the restaurant with Peter and James from his fag break. He gets to the hotel within minutes, texts James that he isn’t feeling too well and slumps on his bed. The last night in Korea, ruined because he saw the guy he’s stupidly in love with kiss someone else. That’s so stupid, he thinks, to feel this sad and ruined for just a guy. A guy who doesn’t see him that way and never will. A straight guy, too, who is way too cuddly for his own good and looks at Remus like he’s just hung the stars. A guy who is the sole reason Remus’ heart keeps beating.
He's pathetic. He knows that, he knows that wanting to cry for a straight guy is stupid and dumb and horrible, despite being a common experience amongst queers. He blows his nose that is empty anyway and makes a decision right then, in a hotel in the island of Jeju in Korea.
He’s going to get over his stupid crush.
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If Remus was any smarter, he would know that there was no way he’d be able to get over him, but he thinks that he won’t know for sure until he tries. So, that’s what makes him sit next to Alex for the eleven-hour flight to Sydney.
He leaves James, Sirius and Peter on a row and sits on the window seat, next to Alex who seems all too happy to be next to him.
“Fancy seeing you here? Your mates chuck you out?” he asks with a grin, and honestly, Alex looks lovely. He’s really pretty, and his personality seems great, if not a bit pushy, but everyone has flaws. So why does this almost perfect guy make Remus feel nothing? Why isn’t he feeling the pull in his gut that he feels when Sirius is looking at him when it’s Alex? No thinking about him. Get over him.
“Nah. Just wanted to sit with you.” He smiles, and the smiles it brings to Alex’s face should be enough, but it’s not and Remus hates it. He hates it, and he wants to be back on this London-Tokyo flight with his head in Sirius’ flowery smelling curls, but then the image of Sirius’ hands on some Korean girl’s bum is back in his mind, so he forgets about it and concentrates on Alex.
The next eleven hours are terrible. Well, actually they’re great, Alex is funny and Remus laughs and he’s also caring and lets Remus have the last chocolate bar the stewardess has and he puts his head on Remus’ shoulder for an hour or two and it’s great. It’s great. But he also feels eyes burning his side profile the whole time, and battles with himself not to look back. Let him think you’re on a date. You’re not available anymore. Not like he ever saw you as an option anyway.
Stop. We’re moving on.
He slips with arm around Alex’s shoulders, and he hears him sigh and settle closer, his eyes still closed and probably close to sleeping. The last hour of the flight is spent with Alex sleeping on Remus’ chest and Remus acting like he’s sleeping but entirely uncapable. Not when he feels like being with Alex is something he has to force himself to do.
Eventually they reach Australia and Remus falls headfirst onto his bed relieved to finally be able to sleep. Until he remembers that he’s still sharing with Sirius. He groans and turns on his back to find Sirius staring at him, eyebrows up to his hairline.
“Didn’t sleep enough on the plane?” he says in a bitter tone, and Remus can’t help but feel a bit satisfied.
“Nah. Besides we don’t have any plans until tomorrow morning.” He says and closes his eyes again. It’s ten in the night, and he’s just spent eleven hours holed up with some guy who smells like vanilla and for who he can’t feel a thing.
“Suit yourself.” Sirius mumbles and leaves for the bathroom. After about twenty days of sharing the same room, Remus knows that Sirius takes about thirty minutes in the bathroom, and sings at the top of lungs, not caring one bit that they’re at a hotel with quite thin walls. Although, today, Sirius doesn’t sing, and Remus is asleep before he has the opportunity to see Sirius come out of the bathroom with red rimmed eyes.
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Australia is wonderful. As usual, they visit the capital city for the first two days; even if Sydney isn’t technically the capital, it ought to be. Everything is magnificent, meddling modernity with nature and 19th century architecture; the Opera of Sydney contrasting beautifully with the countless parcs and the older buildings, their brown bricks reflected in the white of the modern monuments. Despite it being autumn there, it’s still quite warm and dry, making pools of sweat pool at the nape of Remus’ neck. They go sightseeing on the first day and visit museums and art galleries on the second day, and everything is great. All four marauders spend most of their time together, except when Peter finds Sybill, James tries to flirt with Lily – he’s speaking to her at last, hurray! – and then it’s just Remus and Sirius and it’s so silent and awkward that Sirius usually just leaves to go hang out with Marlene, with who he’s taken a liking to, apparently, and Remus just goes to find Alex. Or Alex finds him, most of the time, as if he was waiting for the moment Remus is alone to jump on him and offer his company. Remus never refuses, the goal is still clear in his head, and it seriously needs to be done by now, Remus really needs to get over Sirius, because he can’t keep looking at him laughing and joking with James and Peter, and feel so full of love and hurt he doesn’t even know which one he feels the most. But even if he doesn’t want to stop loving Sirius, because isn’t love such a wonderful thing, he does want to stop hurting. And that’s why he’s smiling when Alex comes up to him, and why he lets Alex take his hand as they walk along the city.
And isn’t that fucking pathetic. That he’s wondering what Sirius is doing with Marlene, if he likes her as more than a friend, if she’s the next girl Remus will catch him shagging. That Remus still doesn’t understand why Sirius barely talks to him anymore.
The third and fourth days are spent in Melbourne, started and ended in an almost silent hotel room, a silence broken by the occasional remark about Alex from Sirius and an eyeroll from Remus. Melbourne is lovely, the buildings are all so very imposing and the animations out and about in the city are great, but it isn’t really Remus’ thing. He much prefers nature and old cities than modern, over the top luxurious cities. Also perhaps the cold atmosphere between them isn’t helping, a change in behaviour that Peter and James have now caught up on, but Remus is helpless. He doesn’t know how to fix things when he doesn’t even know what there is to fix in the first place.
For some reason, the person who ends up helping is Alex.
“Not that I’m spying on you or anything, but did you have a row or something with your friends?” he asks, as they walk along a huge park in Melbourne, “I mean, I get it if it’s private, but I just thought I’d ask.”
“We both know you’re spying on me.” Remus smiles, “And yeah, kind of. With Sirius.”
Alex looks at him with his warm brown eyes and Remus feels prompted to continue with the truth. Or, well, part of it, at least. “He doesn’t like that I’m with you.”
“Oh did you two have a history?” Alex asks immediately, putting a halt on his steps to stare at Remus. He stops too and walks over to him, about two feet in between them.
“No, not at all. He’s, like, the straightest person ever.” Remus huffs and rolls his eyes. Isn’t that the problem? “I don’t know why he’s like that.”
Alex frowns “I don’t want to accuse anyone, but isn’t there a chance that he’s, I don’t know, maybe a bit prejudiced?” he asks in a sweet voice, and Remus can’t even get mad at him, despite the surge of protectiveness that courses through his body. He thinks back to the night he came out to his friends, at 15, after kissing Kingsley for the first time ever, and how he was terrified of their reactions. He remembers Sirius hugging him fiercely, James buying a pride flag in a messy supportive action and Peter adding ‘or a guy, you know’ at the end of every sentence about dating from then on. He remembers smoking with Sirius that night, and Sirius telling him that it didn’t change anything, and that he’d always be their Moony. He remembers being so overwhelmed by how loved he felt that he went to sleep with a smile and a few happy tears in his cheeks.
“No way. He’s straight but he’s so supportive. That can’t be it.”
Alex shrugs, “Well, whatever it is, it can be fixed. And you can’t know how to fix it until you ask him what’s wrong.”
They started walking again, and Remus kept that idea in the back of his head. Sure, asking him sounds possible. The sensible solution, what he should’ve done since the beginning. Something wrong? Just ask what it is to fix it. Simple and logical, and Remus is feeling better by the end of his walk with Alex, when he finds James, Peter and Sirius back at the meeting point with the rest of the group. He smiles at them, James teases him about looking all too happy after being with Alex and everything will be okay, he thinks. He’ll fix whatever went wrong with Sirius, get over him by falling for a much gayer, much more available guy, and everything will be fine. Now that he has a plan, Remus feels like he can breathe.
On the fifth day, Remus is determined to speak to Sirius. He was unable to the night before since they all went out to a pub and came back way too drunk on Australian beer, and not at all fit to have a conversation. They were allowed a free morning before taking a plane to Adelaïde in the afternoon, and Remus isn’t going to miss on that opportunity.
He wakes up first, at ten in the morning, and after two very discreet pushes on Sirius’ shoulder, he wakes up too. Remus acts innocent and takes his phone, continuing the silent contest they’re having, until Sirius rolls over and his silver eyes fall on Remus.
“Why’d you wake me?” he mumbles groggily.
“You can talk now? Remus raises an eyebrow and looks at him. He’s the definition of sleepy, his hair falling over his eyes and his hands clutching the blanket like a small child would. Remus doesn’t even feel the lovestruck smile stretching over his lips until Sirius sits up and looks at Remus from his level.
“Why did you wake me? I was having such a great dream!” he asks, indignant look on his face.
Remus smiles, and thinks that the conversation can maybe wait a bit, “What was it about?”
“We were wizards and there was like wands and brooms and stuff.” He chuckles, “I was a dog, too at some point. I think we could become animals”
“Sounds very sensible.” Remus chuckles, “I hope I was a cool animal.”
“The coolest. A wolf.” Sirius widens his eyes at him, and the scar stretching across his ribs itches at him.
Remus clears his throat, “Not sure about that,” he mumbles. And then, “Actually I woke you because I wanted to talk.”
Sirius raises an eyebrow expectantly, and Remus takes it as his cue, “Look, we haven’t talked almost at all since we got here. And that was almost a week ago. So, get your head out of your arse and tell me what the fuck I did for you to avoid me like that.”
“You’re the one avoiding me!” Sirius widens his eyes, “You’re avoiding all of us! Always going off with your fucking boyfriend and acting like we don’t exist. Peter doesn’t say anything because he’s the same, and James is too nice to say anything but it’s pissing me off.”
“He’s not my boyfriend.” Remus says automatically.
“Well with the way you’re acting like the sun shines out of his arse he might as well be!” Sirius huffs with his eyebrows raised, like he’s trying to prove a point.
“You’re acting like I’m not allowed to see people. I haven’t been with anyone since King, excuse me for wanting to spend time with a guy who actually wants me for once!” Remus snaps, and immediately regrets it.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius frowns, his voice still irritated.
Remus rolls his eyes, “Forget it. All I’m saying is that you have no reason to hate-“
“Hold on. Did someone hurt you? Someone who didn’t want you?” Sirius cuts him off, the lines of irritation on his face turning into concern.
How ironic. “No, it’s not what I meant.” He mumbles, looking down. He’s usually a good liar, but he was caught off guard. And he kind of wants to laugh at the ridicule of Sirius asking him that.
Sirius frowns even more and shifts closer to Remus, “It’s not okay, Moony. You shouldn’t let anyone hurt you. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, we’re here for you.” He searches over Remus’ face, and Remus lets him, “And that guy is an idiot for not wanting you.”
Remus’ breath itches, his heart skips a beat, and he knows that all his efforts with Alex were pointless.
“Well then stop avoiding me and being a dick because it’s hurting me. I don’t like when we’re like that.” He explains solemnly and watches as Sirius’ face turns into realisation and he hurries apologies out of him, forgetting everything he ever learned growing up about manners and elegance.
“I’m so sorry, Moony, I didn’t realise you would care,” he puts a hand over his mouth and stares at Remus wide eyed, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I promise it wasn’t wanted.”
“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you.” Remus shrugs. He really isn’t, because he doesn’t think he knows how to be.
Surprising Remus a bit, Sirius throws his arms around Remus’ neck and hugs him tightly, repeating over and over that he didn’t mean to hurt him, that he just felt forgotten, and Remus understands. He tells him so and holds him even after he’s stop apologizing and starts rambling on about his dream again. And Remus craves for this to be the norm, to have Sirius on his chest every morning and talk about dreams while his heart beats wildly in his chest as his noses catches a whiff of Sirius’ hair.
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They spend the rest of the day together in Adelaïde, forcing Peter and James to ditch their girlfriends for the rest of the day and spend it with them. They laugh as they walk through the streets, Sirius and James race each other down the street and Remus takes the opportunity to snap a few pictures of them. They all buy silly hats – Peter’s idea – and Lily takes pictures of them four in front of a pretty building. The day goes by wonderfully, they eat together some kebabs because they’ve had enough of the traditional food and get drunk again because they’re eighteen on a worldwide trip, and they’re free.
The sixth day, they all agree to spend time with other people, at Peter’s insistence who apparently really likes that Sybill girl, and James is too quick to agree, now that Lily isn’t royally ignoring him and saying that he’s creepy. Remus doesn’t actually know what’s going on, because all James says when he asks is “She’s wonderful. What a woman.” So really, they could’ve exchanged two phrases so far.
As he finds himself alone with Sirius, he hesitates before going to find Alex, but Sirius smiles at him gently and tells him to go, that he has to catch up with Marlene and Mary anyway. Remus smiles back and finds Alex quite easily. They’re on a boat to Kangaroo Island, not too far from Adelaïde to spend their sixth day. Then, they’re taking a plane to Perth and spending the last few days there before embarking on a plane towards the USA.
He sits next to Alex on the boat, sunglasses tangled in his hair while Alex’s are sitting flawlessly on top of his golden hair. It’s making Remus miss the way Sirius’ glasses are on his nose most of the time, because he thinks it makes him look cool (it does, but Sirius can’t know Remus thinks so).
“I see my advice worked. You look happy.” Alex smiles at him and gestures at him to sit closer. He obliges and looks down at Alex.
“It did.” He smiles, “Thank you.”
“Why was he mad? If you don’t mind me asking.” Alex glances at him.
Remus shrugs, “He felt forgotten, I guess, with me and Pete having someone and James trying to woo Lily.” He says, but he knows it’s not true: he’s been trying not to notice it, to close his ears off when he and James would talk about it, but Sirius has surely not been feeling alone. He’s been off with a different girl every day before coming back to hang with Marlene, and Remus is trying not to let it get to him. He’s really trying to forget it. To act as though it never even happened. Some call it delusion, he hears.
“I understand. It’s not easy being the friend who holds the candle.” He shrugs and doesn’t Remus know it.
“Enough about that. How are you?” he asks, and Alex smiles brightly, and Remus still doesn’t feel anything. Sure, he feels a bit of affection, because he’s nice and could be a good mate, but there’s nothing in his heart or gut or even in his dick that’s interested in Alex.
He does a quick recount of his day in Adelaïde the last day, and stares at Remus before asking a question rather quickly, like he’d been forging the courage to say it.
“Why haven’t we kissed already?” he asks, and Remus feels his eyes go wide. Good question, that.
“Er.” He tries, but his throat feels dry. Why indeed. Maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, but maybe also because he’s been waiting for Alex to do the first step.
And yes, that’s it, he figures. He was waiting for Alex to kiss him to make sure it was okay. And now they’re going to kiss, and it’ll wipe away every feeling Remus has ever has towards Sirius.
There’s his plan.
He smiles the most charmingly he can, and hopes it doesn’t come out as a grimace, “I was waiting for you to do it, really.” He says sheepishly, and looks as Alex smirks and cups a hand around Remus’ jaw.
“You could’ve just asked.” He smiles and leans up, and Remus knows that if he doesn’t kiss him now, he’ll panic and jump in the water, so he curls a hand around Alex’ taunt waist and meets him in the middle. Their lips touch, and it’s not long before Alex is opening his mouth to kiss Remus deeper, now involving tongue, lips and teeth. Remus thinks that there’s something wrong with the kiss, that this must be why he’s not feeling a thousand fireworks in his stomach, so he cups Alex’s neck in his other hand and kisses him deeper, pinching his eyes shut harder. He tries, he really does, but it doesn’t work, and he’s still thinking about Sirius, and how it would feel if it was Sirius under him and not Alex. He honestly feels like crying, because what if he cant never find love simply because he was stupid enough to let himself fall in love with his best friend when he was sixteen, and now, at eighteen at the other side of the world, he can’t kiss a perfect boy because he’s thinking of another. How fucked up is it.
He detaches himself from Alex, lets him arms fall limply at his sides and looks down. He must’ve been horrible too, he thinks as he looks up to find Alex’s warm, gentle gaze on him.
“You’re thinking of someone else.” He says simply, a comforting, knowing smile on his face.
Remus blinks at him, “How do you…” he trails off, the sound of his voice surprising him. It’s low but also small, like a child who is getting grounded.
“You’re desperate, and you’re looking for something I can’t give you.” He shrugs simply, “It’s okay, I understand. You were worth the shot.” He smiles.
“I’m sorry.” Remus pinches his lips together, because he really does feel sorry, even just for using him to get over Sirius, “I shouldn’t have tried to get over him by going out with you.” He admits, and without wanting to, his gaze falls on Sirius, who is laughing with Mary at the far end of the boat, recreating the scene from Titanic.
Alex follows his gaze and nods when he sees him, “Ah yes. Him. He’s hot, I’ll give you that.”
“And so fucking straight.” He chuckles at his own misery and looks back at Alex, “Really I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” He smiles, “We’re going around the world! I’ll have plenty of places to find someone.”
And that’s that. Less than two weeks, really, so it doesn’t feel that huge, but still. Alex stands up, taps on his shoulder twice and goes to the bar, where a lean girl is awaiting. He smiles charmingly at her and Remus laughs. He’ll be just fine. He takes two deep breaths and walks over to Sirius and the M’s.
“Hi Remus!” Mary greets, smiling at him.
“Aren’t you with lover boy?” Marlene smirks at him, “We just saw you two making out.” She giggles.
“That was hot, by the way.” Mary says, looking right at Remus, “If you ever decide that you like girls after all, my door’s open.”
Remus feels a blush crippling up his neck and is somehow saved when Sirius throws an arm over his shoulders and laughs, “You’re going to break him, Mary! Remus here is our own little prude, he doesn’t talk about sex, ever.”
“I do sometimes.” He mumbles, and that earns him a tap on the back from Sirius. Then he feels a hot breath against his ear and the words ‘Prude’. He shivers and laughs to hide it and turns his head to find Sirius all too close to him. He doesn’t move, and neither does Remus when Marlene asks again.
“No but really, why aren’t you with him? I thought it was couple’s hour?”
He feels a blush crawl up his neck and says tightly, “Er, we’re not, uh going out, anymore.” He scratches at his scar on his neck, like he always does when he feels awkward.
Immediately, Sirius takes a step back to stare at him blankly, searching over his face for the cause of their breakup, probably.
“Are you that bad of a kisser?” Mary asks, staring at him with an incredulous expression too.
That startles a laugh from him that cuts the weird atmosphere where his friends were probably wondering whether they should be comforting him or something.
“Hope not. No, it’s just, well.” He debates with himself whether or not he should say it and decides that fuck it. Just live in the moment. “I was trying to get over someone by going out with him. Obviously didn’t work.” He chuckles and ignores Sirius’ eyes boring the side of his face.
“Shame that didn’t work.” Marlene says and pats Remus’ shoulder, “I don’t know how I would’ve gotten over my ex if I didn’t start liking someone else.”
Mary groans next to her, “Please! We’ve only been hearing about Marlene’s new crush since that football match back in Korea.”
“She’s magnificent.” Marlene sighs wistfully, “But about you Remus. I think a nice night getting sloshed with your new best mates is the best way to go through a breakup.”
And that’s exactly how they end up, all four of them, drunk off their arses on the beach of Kangaroo Island, Marlene a bottle of vodka in each hand, Mary in her underwear claiming it’s a swimming suit, Sirius with a dick drawn on his forehead, and the word ‘Woof’ on his bare back and Remus with five new cigarette burns in his jeans and something that resembles dried egg yolk in his hair.