August-Regulus
Wind hitting his back like a taunt, Regulus hugs his knees into him and lets his face drop onto his forearm, huffing out a frustrated groan and squeezing his eyes shut. James has been gone for a total of ten minutes now and Regulus knew he wasn’t coming back. Why would he? He had made it quite clear that they weren’t going to see each other again so why was Regulus so shocked? After everything that had happened, staying together wasn’t exactly to be expected. He had hoped, though, that James would realise that it was all too dramatic and run back to him, promising to stay together but that never happened. Of course it didn’t. Thanks to Dorcas, James had realised how short-lived this could be and now he had lost him forever. Part of Regulus thinks he hates Dorcas but the other half knows that if it hadn’t been them, it would have been somebody else.
Shooting a quick glance at the unmade bed, he sighs and pulls himself up off the floor, walking right past it and into the kitchen, pulling himself up onto the counter and flicking the kettle on. The mess can wait for later, Regulus can’t bring himself to deal with it now, not when the bed still smells like James from when he came to say goodbye. It would just fuck with his brain and end in him sobbing on the floor like a fool, waiting to be found by his roommate later on. Instead, he lets his head fall against the cupboard door and basks in the memories of the summer while he still can. Before they are tainted with grief and anger.
At first, he hadn’t thought he had a chance with him. He saw James frequently, at parties and at friendly gatherings, he was always there, smiling and laughing at everything anybody said. Regulus always saw him. Because Regulus’ best friend was Barty. And Barty was James’ boyfriend. Almost the second he thought about having James for himself, he had dismissed it, crossing him off the list mentally. James wasn’t his and never would be.
Until Regulus proved himself wrong. He hadn’t meant for it to happen. Barty had been on holiday in Scotland and Evan had been busy catching up on school work before it started up again. It was the summer and he had nothing else to do. He hadn’t been thinking when he got in the car and drove until he saw a familiar face. He had made a point to not get his hopes up. But when James had seen by a pub in a cobblestone alley, leaning against the damp wall with a can of beer and a wistful look on his face, Regulus went into autopilot. He didn’t remember too much until James had kissed him. That is what he had always said to himself when he wondered if this was a bad idea. James had kissed him first. James wanted this. He had done nothing wrong. He wanted James and James wanted him back.
James had kissed him like he was trying to force their bodies into one, melding them together so they could never separate. Regulus hoped that could be the case. He hoped this could happen again and again for as long as they lived. James was the sun and he would rather die than give him up.
Regulus hadn’t counted how many times it had happened. He preferred not to focus on it, just like he tried to not think about how short-lived this would be and how wrong it was. He knew, deep down, that this wasn’t right, that it was cruel to all three of them, but when James had his hands in his hair and his mouth on his neck, he couldn’t find it in him to care.
He was ashamed to admit that he often forgot about Barty. He forgot that James was supposed to be his. He forgot that he trusted them both and loved them both. His best friend and his boyfriend, why wouldn’t he trust them? He knew that he was certain they would never do anything like this. And he felt bad for breaking his trust like this. He just didn’t feel bad enough.
The time felt like it was being pulled from their hands like a ribbon, teasing them by bringing their inevitable ending.
But he had tried to make the most of it. Quick meetups in bedrooms had turned into dancing in fields, showered by sunshine and meetings in town. Sometimes, it felt like they were a normal couple spending time together during the summer. They let themselves get caught up in the fantasy for so long that when it all came to a close, it came as a shock.
It shouldn’t have. He should have expected it. Part of him did expect it. But he didn’t want it to end. They were so close and he couldn’t see why James didn’t love him enough to ditch Barty and stay with Regulus instead. He just wanted James and he had thought James wanted him too. He had thought James loved him.
But school started up again and suddenly James stopped talking to him outside of social events, which had grown scarce anyway. They didn’t meet up anymore and it was getting to him. So many times, he had wanted to yell at him to look at him and tell him he had just forgotten. He wanted to punch a wall to hurt himself and get James’ attention, he wanted to make a joke only James would understand, he wanted to grab him in front of Barty and kiss him to show him who James really loved.
But he didn’t. Instead, Regulus sat in his bed at night, staring at his phone screen and waiting for a text from James, witnessing the minutes tick over so much slower than they had during August, nothing ever popping up. He never messaged James first, not wanting to seem needy, but he was getting desperate. He didn’t like feeling forgotten. So he had messaged him; it was three weeks after term started and he didn’t think he could last much longer without closure. They had never spoken about ending it, it had just sort of happened. And Regulus couldn’t move on until he was sure this was over. Until he was sure James no longer wanted him.
I’m in my dorm. I want to see you.
He had pressed send without thinking but immediately regretted it, sending another message directly after.
To talk.
James had seen it. And left it. For an hour. He went offline but came back with just one message.
Ok.
Regulus didn’t know what he had expected, but it wasn’t a formal break-up followed by them waking up tangled together in Regulus’ bed. James seemed to think the same thing as he gathered his things quickly and fled, muttering ‘This was a mistake.’ behind him.
The kettle starts to screech and Regulus sighs, pushing himself off the counter and pouring boiling water into the mug, watching the teabag float around miserably.
That is when it properly hit him, the very thing he had been repressing the whole time they had been together.
Oh, James. He thought, wistfully, stirring the bag around with his spoon.
You were never mine.