But I know I miss you

James closes his eyes and takes in the music around him, trying to distract himself from the possibility of Barty seeing him before he was ready to face him. He has been planning an entire speech in his mind the whole afternoon. It is stupid and long but he needs to say it. He misses him too much and just needs to get it all out so he can move on from the nagging hope that Barty would forgive him for whatever he had found out about and love him again. He has to do it or he’ll rot away thinking about it. Even then, the millions of possibilities swamp his mind to the point where he can hardly think of the next thing he was planning to say.

It doesn’t take Barty long to find him, James takes a deep breath and holds his drink tighter, wary of the dangerous look on Barty’s face as he drew closer, eyes glassy and mouth pulled tight.

“Why are you here? You weren’t invited.” He takes the cup out of James’ hand and slams it down onto the table, tears so close to slipping from his eyes.

“Baby…”

“Don’t,” He glares at James harshly. “Do that.” He snaps and takes a step back, his hands forming fists at his sides, nails digging into his hands sharply.

“But-”

“I don’t care,” He muttered softly, voice losing all venom it had held a moment before, now sounding defeated instead. “I just…I didn’t invite you for a reason, are you stupid?”

James reaches out, groaning when Barty wrenches his arm away and snarls, a tear trailing down each cheek. “Just like you haven’t invited me to half of the friend gatherings for the past two months? Just like how you suddenly forgot about me just after term started? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to think, Barty? Because I’m really not following.”

He watches Barty’s expression shift from hurt and anger to disgust. He holds his breath as he steps forward and points in James’ face, coming closer than they had been since the start of the holidays. “Don’t play fucking dumb with me, James Potter. Do you honestly believe I know nothing? Why do you think I have been speaking to Dorcas more than I have been talking to you? Why do you think I haven’t kissed you in months? Why do you think I keep gatherings to me, Dorcas, Evan and Pandora?” James feels his hands start to sweat and his breathing quicken, realising just how much Barty knew. “Are you going to tell me the truth, James, or should I ask Regulus instead?”

“Dorcas told you.”

Barty laughs loudly, a sob following immediately after as he grips the table and covers his mouth with his left hand. “That is the first thing you say? No apology? No shitty justification? Not even a fucking denial? Are you completely apathetic, James? Do you not care at all about what you have done? Well? Do you?”

James closes his eyes and shakes his head, still trying to compute everything that was happening. “The worst thing I ever did was what I did to you.”

Barty finally snaps for good at that, jaw trembling in fury and pupils blown due to the adrenaline of the moment, practically swallowing his irises. “You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you, James!” He is shaking and gripping onto the table so tightly that his knuckles go white.

James steps closer, so they are chest to chest, and whispers, trying to ignore the dozens of people staring at them. “Can we talk about this outside, please?”

Barty glares up at him for a minute, breathing heavily through his nose, before nodding sharply and turning to the door, stalking outside and waiting for James on the pavement outside the gate, standing under the yellow light of the lamppost, looking like a wronged angel. James would usually say that out loud but he didn’t want to push it any more than he already had.

He walks up to him, leaning against the lamppost and looking down at Barty with a look of guilt and pity.

“Why did you do it?” The question was barely a whisper, his voice cracking twice as he did so. “Why…why him? My best friend, James. Any random guy from a bar would be bad enough but Regulus is-was my best friend and you…I can’t even fucking say it. Look what you’ve done to us.”

“I didn’t choose him out of convenience, if that is what you were wondering. He was pretty and you were…you were away.”

Barty laughs at him again, sounding like a crazed prisoner. “Oh, of course. I was away and my pretty best friend was just there so you thought ‘hm, that seems like a good place to put my dick’, now I completely understand why you did it, James. Thank you, that was so fucking helpful.”

“That isn’t what I-”

“Isn’t it?” He questions. “Is that not what you meant? Was it convenience, then? Because I don’t really know which is worse at this point, if I’m honest.”

“Well, you can’t say much, I saw you and Evan at the end of year p-”

“We were dancing as friends James! Don’t bring Evan into this because you know this isn’t about him. It is about you and Regulus having a fucking affair, okay? That is what this is about, not Evan.”

James huffs and crosses his arms. “He has a crush on you, you know?”

“So?! I don’t reciprocate, he knows that and I didn’t sleep with him whilst we were apart over the summer! It’s not the same thing!”

James was getting desperate. “Look, the whole time we were…seeing each other, the entire time me and Regulus were together during the holidays, all I could think about was you. From the moment he found me in the street, it was already about you. I thought about you when he pulled up outside, when I kissed him-“

Barty scoffs and James reaches out a hand to shush him. “And I was always thinking about you. Please, Barty, you have to believe me. You have to understand me when I say that I love you and I miss you so fucking much. Please just listen.”

“I don’t know why I should.” He replies, a bite in his tone that was sharp enough to make James physically wince.

“Because,” he hesitates, taking his time to think of what to say that won’t get him slapped or laughed at. “Because I love you. And I loved you all the way back when we were 14 and I loved you before the summer and I loved you the whole time through August, I promise. And I still love you now, despite it all”

James is able to hear the sincerity in his own voice and prays Barty would hear it too.

“I don’t know how I can ever forgive you, James. I don’t think I can trust you after this. I trusted you both more than anybody else and you…you did this to me. It’s too much and you can’t expect me to be okay, you can’t wait for me to get better and forget it because that isn’t how it works at all.”

Now he is crying too. “I’m sorry,” His voice is choked and harsh, like his throat is clinging to the words when he says them. “I’m so sorry, Barty. I’m really fucking sorry.”

“I know.”

They stand in silence. And then Barty kisses him and James can taste the tears on his lips and can’t forget that he put them there. He is the reason for this. For all of this. And he can’t apologise enough, he can’t show the extent of the remorse he feels. So he kisses Barty and hopes it speaks for itself. They let their hands awkwardly rest on each other’s hips and shoulders, pulling them in closer and starting to deepen the kiss.

James thinks that this is it. This is the moment everything becomes okay again. But Barty pulls away immediately after, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and stumbling away. 

“I don’t know why I did that.”

James’ heart freezes and he reaches out for Barty’s hand, which he puts in his pocket before James has the chance to touch it at all. “Barty.”

He shakes his head frantically, still edging further and further away from him as he does so. “No, James. I shouldn’t have done that and I don’t want to ever do it again. Just…leave me alone.”

James sighs and takes another few steps forward, mirroring Barty’s retreat. “Look, Baby-“

That is the limit. That sets Barty off once more and James knows he can’t fix it this time. “You can’t call me that anymore! For-I don’t…-fucking hell, James! Just leave me be! You have no part in my life anymore and it is all your own fault! Go fuck yourself!”

James tries to think of something to say to calm him and keep him here with him but yes too late. Barty has already run back into the house and slammed the door behind him, James hears the lock click and turns around to head back home to bed, repeating the same thing in his head as he walked with his head down.

I’m only 17 but I know I miss you.