REMUS
Remus didn’t believe in God. His Mother did though- She was the kind of woman who clutched rosaries in her hand, who would pray every night, whispering at the foot of her bed in deep heartfelt- Though it was no surprise- His Mother had grown up in a small welsh town where God had a watchful eye on everyone, on the night Remus was born, she had prayed to God; Prayed for a sign she would be ok, that her new baby that she clutched in her arms, messily cleaned and streaked with blood, would be alright. She prayed until the sound of howling struck the silent ward, and she thought it was a wolf- Though it was likely just another woman in the maternity ward over- But on that night Hope Lupin had been sent a sign from God- So she had named him Remus- The boy raised by wolves. Remus was her sign from God that everything would be ok.
When it came to God, him and Remus had a pretty shit relationship. Remus would pray when he needed something, then get pissed when he didn’t get it, scorn God, and then pray again. It was a strange and twisted relationship of pathological lying and a false belief. He was no christian, but a son who was raised amongst strong believers- And so some homesick part of him felt magnetised to God, and to the notion of prayer. He would pray when he was scared, to ease some lonely part of himself, or in moments of utter panic; Remus had never felt more panic than when Severus had seen him kiss a boy on that cold Friday morning. He had also never prayed so hard for a sign that it would all be ok.
Earlier that morning Remus had been sitting on the counter by the window, his head tilted slightly so he could see the cold, winter sun rise. There was only a week left until the Christmas holidays, and he had never been so excited for anything more in his life. Two whole weeks of no Sirius, he could finally purge himself of any desire that remained, and start totally fresh with Edgar. Things had been good all week: Lunches everyday with the twins, mornings spent with Edgar in the art classroom; Dorcas had stopped turning up to the art classroom in the mornings, but he knew they were still around, they had stopped talking to him slowly after they found out he and Edgar were dating. Life was beginning to heal though, he had lost and gained friends, he had met someone he liked, really liked.
It was raining, and there was an ambience in the room, soft and pattering- Remus closed his eyes, he loved the smell of rain, and he loved this room, the smell of dust mingling with the sharp smell of paint. Edgar was humming to himself, “It’s supposed to snow soon” he said absent-mindedly, and Remus opened his eyes, smiling at the other boy, “Oh yeah?” He responded, and Edgar nodded, looking up from his sketchbook at Remus,
“Yeah, I'm excited, I love the snow.”
“Me too” whispered Remus, who was admiring Edgar. Those blonde curls, those brown eyes- So different to Sirius’. Edgar smiled and a lull fell between them as Remus cleared his throat, “come here” he said, and Edgar looked up surprised.
“Why?” he asked, putting down his paintbrush hesitantly.
“I want to show you something.”
Edgar sighed, a smile creeping onto his face “Right…”. He got up, walking over to Remus, sitting across from him, “Happy?” he asked, tilting his head in a way that Sirius would laugh at, but Remus thought it was cute. “Closer” said Remus, and Edgar leaned in closer, “Perfect” he whispered, leaning in to kiss him. When Remus kissed Edgar, he seemed to get lost, he would forget about everything: His Mum, himself, Sirius.
He was so lost he didn’t even hear Severus come in- He didn’t notice him at all until Severus gasped, and the two boys broke away quickly, Remus’ eyes wide with fear. Not Snape, anyone but Snape.
He turned and ran out the room, and Remus got up, quickly following him. He caught up in the stairwell- Where Snape stood caught between Remus and Frank.
Thank God Remus thought when he saw Frank, who looked at him in alarm. Remus pulled a face which he hoped conveyed: Frank please help, Snape just walked in and saw me and my secret boyfriend kissing and then ran out and if you don't stop him right now he is going to tell everyone what happened and my life will be over. However, clearly Remus’ message wasn’t clear enough because Frank stepped aside, letting Snape run past.
“Fuck!” Remus exclaimed, sitting helplessly on the stairs, his heart pounding at an increasing rate. Frank looked thoroughly confused, “what the fuck was that all about?” he asked, but Remus had already begun spewing words at an alarming rate, “Snape saw- Me and Edgar in the art room kissing and- Oh god he’s going to tell everyone- Frank why didn’t you stop him?- Oh my God he’s going to tell- fuck- Mulciber and um- And Lestrange and im going to have to move schools and i just-”
“Woah slow down.” Said Frank firmly, sitting down beside him and putting a steady hand on Remus’ trembling shoulder. “What happened?” he asked calmly- But Remus couldn’t talk, he couldn’t even breathe, air struggling to get to him and his whole upper body totally frozen in peril. He could feel himself begin to cry, which didn’t happen often, he couldn’t stop thinking about all the worst case scenarios, the hate crimes and the bullying- Two years ago a year 13 had been stabbed behind the school after she had been outed, and Remus could feel it, death. Please God please, i promise to believe in you if you stop Severus, please send me a sign everything will be ok. He could feel his whole body trembling and then Edgar was there.
Edgar told Frank what had happened who instantly took off down the stairs as quickly as possible whilst Edgar held Remus, held him until he could breathe and think and stop crying. He took him down the stairs and to the medical room, where he sat until any remnants of tears were gone, his plastic cup of water clutched very tightly in his shaking hands.
By then everyone had entered the building, and Remus decided he couldn’t stay hidden in the medical room forever. He walked out and found James sitting outside, eyes wide, as well as Peter who looked terrified, and jumped up when Remus emerged. James also stood up, but slower- Remus could tell that James knew everything, it was written all over his face, “Why didn’t either of you tell me?” he said, and he looked so empty, so hurt. Remus looked over to Peter, “Dorcas told him” Peter said, and Remus nodded slowly. For a second, all three of them stood in the silence of all that had happened and been discovered, then both of his friends enveloped Remus in a hug, and for the first time in days he let Normal-Remus go, and he was just… Remus again.
James looked deadly- Remus had never seen him so angry before. “That motherfucker” he muttered again, “That fucking dirtbag.”
Peter sighed, “Yes James we know, that doesn’t help.”
“Severus Snape can go fuck himsel-”
“James” Peter snapped, and James looked up, looked at Peter, looked at Remus, nodded (like a child being told off by a parent) and sank deeper into his seat.
The common room was quiet, and they were planning what to do (“Better to have a plan” Peter had said, “Then we can deal with it all more easily.”).
Remus hadn’t seen Edgar in hours, he didn’t even know where Sirius was. They were waiting on Frank really, for some news. Remus didn’t have any actual lessons today, and James and Peter had already gone to their first periods, and so were free all day too.
Eventually Frank walked in, and stood by their table. “So” he said, “I have some good news and some bad news…”
Peter shrugged, “Just say it.”
Frank nodded, “So i went to the headteacher and he bought Snape in and basically if Snape tells anyone he risks getting expelled- Bad news is there is a possibility he will still tell people under the radar and you could still be put in potential danger, but really there isn’t much the school can do right now.”
Peter tapped his pen to his chin “We could ask Lily to talk to Snape? He listens to her-”
“No,” snapped James, “No way.”
Peter, Frank and Remus all exchanged glances, but shrugged it off, “Now” Frank said, “I am going to find Sirius, if you’re ok with that? The school can’t exactly punish him unless he has done something actually wrong, and from what Snape said, he didn’t technically do anything that could warrant punishment but, I can still shout at him.”
James’ mouth was slightly open, “What do you mean Sirius?”
“Oh…” Frank said, slightly confused, “You guys don’t know?”
All three boys were frozen, Remus could feel the dread in his body. Of course. Of course it was Sirius. Frank grimaced, “Sirius was the one who told Snape to go into the art classroom this morning.”
Remus felt every cell in his body die, every drop of blood dry up. God hadn’t sent him a sign, he had sent him a big FUCK YOU in the form of a nuclear bomb.
They sat in silence for a while, no one knowing what to say. James stood up after a while, “who wants coffee?” he asked, with a sigh of defeat, they both nodded, and James walked away, leaving Peter and Remus sitting in a deadly silence.
“Don’t blame yourself.” Peter said eventually, startling Remus. He looked at his friend, and wondered how a person could know another so well- It was as if Peter had read his mind, and he couldn’t help but give him a small, but sincere, smile- “I’ll try” he whispered.
Peter was shaking his head angrily “all this shit” he spat, “everything that has happened is all on Sirius’ shoulders, it’s all his bloody fault”
“No. It’s not” released Remus, “It really isn’t.”
Peter looked at him, a bewildered expression plastered on his face, “what do you mean?”
Remus took a deep breath, “He wanted to work it out with me- Like… Be with me… And i- I” Remus’ voice began to crack, “I fucked it up Peter, i want it so much but I was so mad at him and then I fucked it up. Why do I always do this to myself? Fuck up the things I want because I do want him, and I hate to admit it but it’s true-”
Peter’s face had suddenly morphed into a look of such horror, his eyes trained on something just behind Remus. Slowly, Remus turned, only to see Edgar standing right behind him, a mars bar clutched in his hand and a shock covering his lovely face. A mars bar. He had bought Remus a mars bar.
“Edgar” Remus whispered, his throat hoarse, but Edgar was turning slowly, and then walking away. Remus stood up, “I’ll be right back” he murmured to Peter, eyes still trained on the back of Edgar’s head as he chased after him, catching up just outside of the school. It was beginning to rain, but neither of them moved to seek shelter, just standing there, silent.
“Well.” Said Edgar, causing the bolt of regret to circle through Remus’ body. He had fucked up. He had really fucked up.
“Well” swallowed Remus in return. He took a deep breath, one word at a time, “Edgar look, you don’t understand-”
“I think I understand perfectly well what the situation is” he snapped back, and Remus had never seen Edgar angry before, not really, not like this.
Remus could feel his frustration rush up against him like a tidal wave, “you dont. I chose you Edgar-”
“No. You settled”
“It’s complicated, ok? You wouldn’t get it.”
Edgar’s mouth fell open in shock, “Oh fuck you no. You do not get to say that to me- I wouldn’t get it, I get it. You are in love with him, Remus; You always have been and I wont kid myself into pretending I don't know it. I used to think you were too good for Sirius, which is why I had you, not him. All this time you were just using me to make him jealous-”
“No no no” chanted Remus desperately “No I promise that wasn’t how it was-”
“And then to lie about it? Even now? Jesus Christ Remus. Dorcas warned me, told me you would break my heart. I said, no. I said, i trust him. Looks like I was wrong.”
Remus was close to tears again, “I liked you Edgar. I really, really liked you” he whispered
Edgar shook his head, and his whole body seemed to deflate, “Liking is not the same as loving. You like me but you love Sirius, and I won't settle, Remus… I won't settle for liking when I know you are pining for someone else. I can’t do that to myself.” He was crying now, the rain water and tears intermingling on his face. “I can’t be the second choice, I have spent my whole life being less than my twin sister- Second favourite. But i won't be a second choice when it comes to love, i draw the line at that- I will sit by and be lesser than everyone in everything but i will not let the person i love choose me second..”
Remus watched helplessly as Edgar stuttered into silence, almost waiting for him to speak- Remus couldn’t speak though, words unable to fight to the surface. Edgar sighed, turned and walked away, the grey sky and rain battering his head and soaking his clothes, and Remus just stood there, watching. He couldn’t feel anything. Just emptiness, total emptiness.
1 missed call from: Sirius
He spent all weekend sick in bed, sleeping among his feelings. He drowned them in a constant haze of sleep, cigarettes and tv. He could barely stomach food, it seemed as though his stomach had sealed itself closed.
5 missed calls from: Sirius
3 missed calls from: Lily
On Monday Remus got up. He put on clothes. He got to school early and smoked a pack- Dorcas didn’t show up. He went to his lessons, he went to the common room. James sat to his right and Peter sat to his left- Sirius watched from afar.
13 missed calls from: Sirius
5 missed calls from: Lily
1 missed call from: Dad
On Tuesday he went to double French and sat at the back alone. Sirius wasn’t there. Amelia glared at him. He smoked 3 fags behind the bins at lunch and then threw up in the toilets. James took him home, his Mum told him to call his Dad back.
25 missed calls from: Sirius
6 missed calls from: Lily
1 missed call from: Dad
2 missed calls from: Mary
On Wednesday he went to school. He called Dorcas, but they didn’t pick up. He called Edgar, but he had blocked him. Lily asked him why he wasn’t picking up his calls, she said she was worried. She gave him his christmas present- A book. He hadn’t got her anything. Mary asked what had happened, he said nothing. His Dad had texted him, but Remus didn’t care anymore, he didn’t care about anything. A year 9 asked if the rumours were true about him and Edgar, he shoved him into a wall. Philosophy lesson at 12:30pm, double history lesson at 1:30.
31 missed calls from: Sirius
6 missed calls from: Lily
1 missed call from: Dad
3 missed calls from: Mary
1 missed call from: James
2 missed calls from: Peter
On Thursday James asked him if he wanted to spend Christmas day at his house, but Remus said no. Remus was going to Wales to see his Nana and Grandpa, where he could breathe again. Sirius walked up to him in the corridor- He shoved past him. Everyone was whispering.
37 missed calls from: Sirius
6 missed calls from: Lily
2 missed call from: Dad
3 missed calls from: Mary
2 missed call from: James
2 missed calls from: Peter
On Friday everyone was hugging goodbye. Remus gave James and Peter cards. James gave him socks, Peter gave him a card game. Everyone was festive- Remus felt drained. He smoked outside and then snuck a few beers when he got home. He wanted to die. He packed for Wales and slept.
He woke up in the car, nearly at Beddgelert. He half remembered walking sluggishly to the car, bag in hand, before flopping down in the back seat and sleeping. His Mum was humming along to Christmas music, tapping her hands on the wheel as she drove down a country road. It was Christmas eve, and it was snowing- White flakes that drifted down and fell against the window. “Stop the car” he found himself saying, “please Mum, stop the car!”
“What Remus!?” His Mum shouted, alarmed, braking quickly. He grabbed his coat and hat from the seat next to him, and scrambled out into the road. A rush of cold air swept over him, and he gasped in shock and closed his eyes, turning his face up so that the snow would fall onto it, melting over his nose and on his eyelids. He began spinning slowly and laughing, laughing louder and louder. “IT’S SNOWING!” He exclaimed, “IT’S ACTUALLY SNOWING!”
He hadn’t been home in so long, not since they had moved. Eight years of secretly pining to go back, of missing his welsh accent- He had spent so long training it out of him to fit in more but now he longed for it more than anything. For the first time in eight years it felt like it was really Christmas, that magical feeling returning to his stomach once more. With flushed cheeks his Mum came out to join him, standing beside him in silence, breathing deeply.
“Merry christmas Mum” Remus said softly, causing her to look up at him, looping her hand through his arm
“Merry Christmas Remus”
Christmas day brought them to midnight mass, and then to the pub. Their whole family was rowdy and huge, his little cousins running around the pub and slipping amongst the adults- The adults all nursed pints and laughed, the Christmas hats in festive colours slipping down their foreheads as they read the corny cracker jokes and laughed heartily.
Remus sat with a beer by his older cousins: Rhys (a grouchy 18 year old with face scabs and a shaved head who was on his phone), his sister Efa (an overly smiley 19 year old who bought Remus a drink and chatted too much.), the 14 year old twins Bronwen and Seren who sat with Remus and showed him things on their phones. Eva, Carys and Owen were his favourite though. Eva was 22, and had an abundance of piercings- She wore a christmas jumper that had David Attenboroughs face on. Carys was his age, 17, and had her long, dirty blonde hair tied up in plaits, she reminded him a bit of Peter, her green christmas hat falling down to her nose and she wore baubles as earrings. Finally Owen, who was 12 but insisted he was old enough to be with the older cousins, rather than the group of young kids chasing each other- Covered in snow.
“We’ve missed you Remus” Carys said, “It’s been a long time.” to which all the older cousins muttered in agreement, except Owen, who pointed at him, “I dunno you!” He said, causing his sister Carys to kick him under the table. Remus smiled, “That’s because you were 3 last time I was here.” he said, and Owen widened his eyes- “Three?” he gasped, “I can’t remember being three… Can I sip your beer?”
“Why not” Remus said, pushing it over while Bronwen and Seren giggled as they watched him take a sip, grimace and hoarsely murmur “yum”
The adults had begun to dance drunkenly around, and Eva grinned, “Want to go dance?” She asked, and Carys smiled, “For tradition's sake.”
Remus remembered his childhood of dancing around the adults- Sipping warm beers discarded on the edges of tables as he did. They all got up, Owen trailing behind them as they went. Fairytale of New York by the pogues played loudly, and beer bellied men clapped along as Carys and Remus linked arms, skipping around each other, before swapping so Carys linked with Owen and Remus with Eva. Remus was laughing as His Uncle Tommy tripped into his Aunt Helen, and he felt alive for the first time for weeks. He looked around at his family- His Nana and Grandpa in the corner, talking, his Mother dancing with her Sisters for the first time since his Father left. Little Owen skipping around, his spiky, blonde hair bobbing up and down as he did. Carys’ plaits flying around as she danced and Eva’s laughs as she slipped into her Father, who caught her and whisked her around so they could dance.
The pub was filled with dancing, music and the smell of a roast.
Remus was finally home.