PETER
It was late on christmas eve, the faint sound of arguing in the house next door got louder, and he turned the tv up to compensate. The moon was shining down an eery, cool light- The sky a murky black except for the odd, dim star. Inside Peter’s living room, he was alone. His parents had gone to bed and his Sister wasn’t arriving home until very early the next morning. The room was dark, the only light coming from the tv, which played reruns of old christmas movies. The noise of the TV was a blur, and Peter lay on the sofa, eyes half closed, as the noise of the house and light from the tv drifted in and out of his awareness.
He laughed slightly, watching Home alone, as the two criminals got injured over and over. Peter, in his closeness to sleep, had almost managed to numb that newly agitated feeling in his stomach- One of total betrayal and stress. Remus had broken, James was in mourning and all he felt was stress- Because he didn’t know if they could ever go back from it- That moment of discovery. It was engraved into him, and he knew it must be as bad, if not worse, for Remus.
He was beginning to fall asleep when he heard a strange tapping sound at the living room window. Over and over it happened until Peter sat bolt upright, quickly making his way to the window.
Outside stood Sirius, ghostly in the pale moonlight. He waved his hand frantically at Peter, who opened the window roughly and leant out. “What do you want, Sirius?” he spat, a bad feeling beginning to creep in.
There had been an unspoken rule all week that Sirius was not to contact or speak to any of them- Peter and James had been cold and a barrier- Barring Sirius from any contact with Remus.
Sirius stood still, his hair lank and lifeless- His eyes empty.
Perhaps it was not just Remus that had broken, but Sirius alongside him.
“Peter?” Sirius croaked, was he drunk? Peter looked down with a mixture of concern and disgust.
“What?” Peter snapped back- He was done with feeling sorry for Sirius. He never cared about anyone except himself, when he wanted something he took it- No matter the effect it had on anyone else. Sirius Black was a bad person, and a worse friend. For years Peter had put up with the snide comments about his intelligence, his social life, his love life even- He had put up with it, because that was just how Sirius was, and Peter could deal with it. He had always had to deal with bullies, people who commented about his weight and his looks, Peter had spent a lifetime wishing to be like Sirius- Now he could think of nothing worse.
“What can I do?” groaned Sirius, swaying slightly, “Please, what do I do?… He won’t take my calls or respond to my texts… I said sorry. I am sorry-”
“Stop it.” Interrupted Peter, “Stop acting like the victim. You did a bad thing Sirius, you need to deal with the consequences of that.”
“Peter…” Sirius looked as though he was about to cry, “Peter please, you don’t understand... I didn’t-”
“Think? I know you didn’t. That’s the problem with you Sirius you never bloody think! You fucked up, really fucked up- I mean you have done some reallyshitty things in the past but this? I mean what the hell were you thinking?” He breathed deeply- Watching as Sirius seemed to deflate even further, cowering into himself.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius whispered. It wasn’t enough though- Didn’t he get it? What Sirius had done, only time could forgive.
Peter didn't say anything- Just stared, dismayed, at Sirius, who was sniffling slightly. The night was cold, and Peter had goosebumps all up his arm. Then he saw it- White flakes tumbling down from the cloudy sky and landing softly on the frozen ground. Both boys turned their faces upward and stared as flake after flake fell with increasing speed. Peter’s head began to freeze, and Sirius was completely frosted from head to toe.
This was the end. They could both feel it.
Peter began to cry silently- Tears rolling down his perfectly still face, freezing before they reached his chin and leaving icy streaks down his pink cheeks. They looked at each other, talking with their eyes, and Sirius was crying too then. Peter had never seen Sirius cry, and it was beautiful- As were all things that Sirius did. Snow swirling around him as he did, his perfect face broken in the anguish of what he had done.
“Merry christmas” Sirius murmured, and Peter gave him a small nod.
“Goodbye, Sirius.”
Sirius gulped, nodded back, and turned out the front gate and down the street- Back the way he had come. He must have had a long walk to get to Peter’s house- But he had a longer one back.
Peter wondered if that was the last time he would ever speak to Sirius.
They arrived at Pandora’s school early on Christmas morning. The sun was just rising over the school- Shining a cold, pink light onto the dusty snow that covered the entire school grounds. It was unusual for it to snow in London in December, and so it was no surprise to find Pandora laying in it, giddy with excitement as she got her nice christmas clothes soaking wet- (As for the rest of the family, none of them had bothered to get dressed, all waking and piling straight in the car after realising how late they were.) But when the car pulled up she jumped up with such a gravity that she slipped back down again, causing Peter to run out of the car to her with worry- Only to slip and fall himself. Pandora wrapped her arms around his neck, laughing, and Peter sat up- Pulling her up with him. Her hair was dripping wet, her clothes soaked- A huge grin on her face. Suddenly realising how wet his pyjamas were getting, he shot up, dragging her with him- Trying with all his might not to fall again. Pandora suddenly released her grip and sprinted into her Mum’s arms, “Mama!” She shouted, flying into her- Causing Pamela to stumble back slightly. “And Rick!”, she exclaimed, hugging their Dad, who smiled at her, “Panda, you’re soaked!” he laughed fondly, holding her hair in front of her face as she shrugged sheepishly.
The whole journey home Pandora didn’t let go of Peter, just lay her wet head on his shoulder, and he let her- He had missed her so much, more than words could describe, she was his light, the one person who could ground him. Pandora was iced tea on the hottest day of the year- She was a roaring fire in December and a hug on the worst day of your life- She was all things wonderful in the world, and she was his Sister. His Sister, which made all those things even more wonderful.
As soon as they got into the house Pandora changed into her Pyjamas, and Peter into his spares- Before sitting in the living room, curled up besides one another on the big, old sofa his Mum used to hate- With its crevices and cracks- As they watched his Dad try to make a fire (wholly unsuccessfully, Pam had to intervene and do it before he got burnt.) and watched reruns of ancient christmas movies. “Time for presents?” Peter suggested, pushing his wriggling box towards Pandora.
Pandora’s present had been a total pain to get. Weeks ago, she had sent him a letter including a little polaroid picture of a cat- A cat she was not allowed to have in school. So he had paid her roommates way too much money to have them sneak out of school and give him the tiny, meowing kitten which he had had to beg his parents to let him keep- And have them tell Pandora that it had escaped, which then caused days of her sobbing. It would all be worth it though, when she opened it, and her face when she did.
She peeled off the wrapping paper, eyebrows furrowed- All three of them watching her in anticipation as she did. “Why is it moving?” she murmured to herself, raising the lid apprehensive. Her jaw fell open as she lifted the tiny kitten into her arms- “Peter!” She cried, wrapping her arms around it, “I thought you had run away from me!” Then she seemed to realise something, and her wide eyes turned to look at him. “Peter!” She said again, this time redirected at her Brother, “Oh Peter, thankyou” She hugged him tightly, the kitten climbing from her arms, over his head and settling on his back, pawing his neck.
Pam smiled, “He is a very, very cute cat” She said, taking a picture. Pandora laughed suddenly, “Oh no, not he at all! We thought Peter was a boy you see, but actually she’s a girl kitten!”
All three of them were stunned, “Why don’t you just rename her a girl's name then?” Peter asked in disbelief. Pandora shook her head, “I tried, She won’t respond to any other name now.” she said sadly, lifting the stingy kitten off of Peter’s back before it ruined his posture for life, the little kitten meowed at him innocently, it was almost comical how cute she was- Bright orange and white- Like peaches and cream.
When it came to Christmas dinner, they all dressed up and made their way to the Potter’s- As Peter and his Family had done every year since he was a child. Fleamont, Marlene’s Mother and Peter’s Dad were old friends, and so it was no wonder that Peter, Marlene and James were too. Marlene and her family had arrived before hand, and so when the Pettigrew’s arrived they were embraced by all of them- Peter hadn’t really seen Marlene for what felt like far too long, and hugged her deeply, as she ruffled his hair childishly- As had been her habit with him forever. All the kids- Marlene, her younger brother Thomas, James, Peter and Pandora all went and sat around the living room as drinks were given out- Marlene had bought a flask with her, and all the older children (so all but Thomas, who stropped in the corner) poured some strong smelling liquid into their cokes, and cheered loudly as they did so.
Peter pulled James aside soon after, into the hallway so they could talk in private. “It’s Sirius,” Peter said reluctantly, “He came round my house last night…”
James nodded slowly, leaning back against the wall with an air of defeat- His glasses slipping down his nose and he stared at the floor. Eventually he managed to say “And?” but it was strained, and it was almost as if he wanted nothing less than to find out more.
“He was drunk and rambling. I just don’t know what to do James I-”
“What did you say to him?”
“Uh-” Peter said, caught off guard, “All of it or summarised?”
“Summarised, please.”
“To go fuck himself.”
James suppressed a smile and nodded slowly, “good” he said after a while, “We are done with him” he reminded Peter firmly, “For good.”
Peter wanted to say many things in that moment- To tell James to stop lying, because James would never be done with Sirius- Sirius could murder him and his entire family and James would still love him. Peter didn’t though, he kept his mouth shut, because James wasn’t lying for Peter’s sake but for his own- The idea of losing Sirius was too much for James, and he was better heartless than heartbroken- And so Peter had no choice but to respect this futile attempt at exile, even though he knew that it wouldn’t last long, and Sirius would be forgiven whether Remus wanted him to be or not. He was Sirius Black, everyone loved him, especially Remus and James. They would always forgive him, even when they shouldn’t.
Peter was curled besides Marlene, his head on her shoulder, her blonde hair tickling his cheek. It was dark in James’ bedroom, lamps and fairy lights sparkling dimly from various corners of the room. It was quiet as they watched Pandora beat James at chess for the second time, the only sounds being the wooden click as the chess pieces moved across the board and the sound of Marlene breathing, her eyes drooping shut and glass of champagne nearly spilling on the floor. Peter gently removed the glass from her hands, which she gave to him with no resistance, before downing what was left of it and placing it down beside him. It was nearly midnight, and Pandora was clapping at her victory, her long hair bouncing up and down, her christmas jumper pulled up to rest at her elbows, the crown on her head with its slight gravy stain. James smiled in defeat, resting his chin on his hands, seeming to think about something far away from the room, Christmas and his friends. James was thinking about the mystery person again.
One thing James often forgot about Peter was how long he had known him, and how well he did. Peter knew every single emotion on James’ face, and he knew that James was distracted.
James had been in love many times in his life- Peter having witnessed it each time. It started with the denial, then the spaciness, and then finally the acceptance (and then often total obsession.) It was ironic, almost, the way Peter often knew that James was in love before James knew himself. That look, the spaced out, melting look that James was giving the wall told Peter all he needed to know- But the curious thing was, Peter had no idea who it could be about. Lily? But James was far past that stage with Lily, there was no way it was her. There were no girls in his PE class, he sat next to Lily in Biology and Peter was in James’ maths class, and knew full well there were no girls James fancied there. It wasn’t someone he was talking to in school because he had been practically glued to either Peter’s or Lily’s side for weeks, and it wasn’t a girl online because James wasn’t obsessively checking his phone. Peter speculated it could be a girl at the cafe, but it was highly unlikely… James hadn’t been texting anyone, hadn’t mentioned making a ‘friend’ at the cafe who was a girl… Unless…
Peter’s eyes widened, his mouth becoming a little O.
Unless…
It made sense really, if he was right- The excitement for his shifts, the sudden difficulty talking to Sirius, the weird desire to learn french.
Dear god.
James stretched, and smiled at Pandora, “Good game” he yawned, “I’m just popping to the loo.” he continued as he stood, leaving his phone sitting near Peter’s feet. As he walked wearily away Pandora flopped back onto the floor, closing her eyes, giving Peter the perfect chance to snatch up James’ phone. He unlocked it and went straight to messages,
Me-
Hi srry can u cover my shift for me am dealing with stuff
Regulus-
No- Bad excuse.
Me-
Yh haha sorry, ur brothers fault tho.
Regulus-
What did he do?
Me-
Cannot disclose soz.
Regulus-
Then no. Get here in 10 minutes or I will tell Esmie that you are not coming to work.
Me-
Pls pls pls Reg i wll acc pay u back i promis fr
Regulus-
*Please *Please *Please *Regulus *I *will *actually *you *I *Promise *For real
Me-
LOL I hate you
Regulus-
??? I corrected your grammar, I was helping you.
Me-
I was jk lmaooooo
Regulus-
But it wasn’t funny?
Me-
Thx for covering my shift will pay u bck i pRomisr!!!!!!!!!!
Peter stared at the texts, then quickly threw the phone back on the ground as James walked in. Marlene was still snoring on his shoulder, and Pandora had also fallen asleep. James walked over to the sofa and sat on the floor, leaning next to wear Peter’s legs were folded up. He was quiet, picking at the lint on his jumper. Peter admired him, and smiled. Peter loved James- Not in a weird way of course… It was a difficult thing to explain, the love a boy has for his best friend, even when that love isn’t totally reciprocated. James loved a lot of people, but Peter knew that Remus and Sirius came before him when it came to James and his love, over time he had learnt to accept it- It never made it any less painful though. Peter loved James the way that trees love the sun, and the way the ocean loved the moon- Totally, and yet so indifferently, he was dependent on James for all things, and James had no use for him. Peter was almost a walking fall back- When his friends had no one else, Peter was there; When his friends needed to talk to someone, Peter was there; When his friends needed someone to tease, Peter was there. He was always just there, never needed. Not really wanted either. He had clung to James in secondary school, and luckily held tight enough to remain a friend all these years later, but he was certain if he loosened his grip just a little, he would fall off the face of the earth and no one but his StepMum, Dad and sister would care.
James had begun to snore too, and Peter stood up, creeping downstairs and out into the garden, the frozen air slamming him in the face and the snow melting beneath his boots. He cleared a space on the back step and sat, exhausted. He wasn’t feeling very merry at all.
The stars were hidden beneath the clouds, and the garden spread out into a misty darkness, the kind where he couldn’t see past the oak tree two feet from him- It was a strange comfort, not knowing what was there, he could be murdered at any minute and he wouldn’t even realise. He relished that idea, the tears shed by his school- He would be remembered, rather than forgotten. Wouldn’t it be better to be liked and remembered dead than forgotten and disliked alive? Peter thought so.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he picked it up with surprise.
It was his Mum.
Peter braced himself, and answered the phone, there was no noise except the sound of breathing down the line. “Mum?” he asked, voice tinged with annoyance. A sigh of relief was heard through the phone.
“Peter” his Mum breathed, “Darling. Merry christmas.”
“It’s boxing day now- You missed it. Just like you missed my birthday.”
“Why are you up so late? Did Pamela let you stay up this late? You should be in bed… That daft whore of a woman-”
“Are you drunk?”
His mother tittered, “Of course I’m drunk Peter, it’s Christmas.”
“Right.”
“Did my card arrive?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
She had sent him a card, a 30p one from craft, the price still on. She hadn’t bothered with a message, just “dear Peter, love Mum” written around the already printed “Merry christmas!” in the centre. He had thrown it in the bin.
“No need for that attitude” she snapped, “I’m trying to make an effort, ok?”
“Where’s Josh?”
There was a long silence, “He left me” she managed eventually.
“Right”
“Ran off with some slut from yoga”
Peter tried not to snigger. “Right.”
“I know you hate me Peter, for what I did to your dad, but you have to understand… I was miserable, I had nothing, no life, nobody but you and your Dad. He is a kind man but I never loved him, not like I love Josh and… You, I was never meant to have you- I was locked in this prison with no way out don’t you see. Having to raise a child and look at him everyday knowing he put you in the one position and place you can’t stand most of all. I love you Peter, but you were a reminder, constantly, of my failures… I was meant- I was meant to be a fucking doctor. I was going to help people. I was going to make my family proud and marry a rich man who loved me-”
“Dad loved you.”
“It isn’t the same.”
“... Good night Mum.”
He didn’t give her a chance to respond, he just hung up. Suddenly Marlene was beside him, lighting a cigarette and passing it to him without a word. “How much did you hear?” He asked, and she smiled grimly, “All of it.” she responded, and he nodded.
“Even her bits?”
Marlene blew out a cloud of smoke, “Yeah.” she murmured, “Even her bits.”
They sat in silence for a while, and then Marlene said, “When we get back to school, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
Peter looked at her confused, “Why?” he asked, and she smiled.
“Because she is totally in love with you, and I’m getting pretty sick of hearing about it.”
Peter sat stunned, “Who is it?”
Marlene shrugged, “Guess you’ll find out at school- She hasn’t ever talked to you either, yet she is bat shit crazy about you.”
“Stop trying to make me feel better.” He replied, stubbing out the finished cigarette and standing, “It doesn’t help.”
Marlene smiled up at him sadly, “I would never lie to you Peter.” she said softly, “Not to you.”
Peter sighed again, “Right.” before turning and walking back to James’ room, a strange feeling worming its way into his stomach.
Because who on earth could ever be bat shit crazy about him?