SIRIUS
Sirius sat in the dining room. It was large- cold, a fortress of ugly marble and pristine surfaces- Void of any warmth or love. His Parent’s house was a dull space of living- They came and went and were there so infrequently that it may as well have been a holiday home- Or simply the house their troubled eldest resided in- Throwing house parties and fucking things up just to get their attention. A fuck up, that was what Sirius was. He could laugh about that now though, because for the first time it was as if that title, that constant disappointment had been heaved from his shoulders and dumped onto Regulus’- Imagine that, Regulus the troubled child!
He looked at the clock again nervously.
9:45.56
9:45.57
9:45.58
9:45.59
9:46.00
9:46.01
God. Thought Sirius, He’s probably been murdered, or mugged, or stabbed and fatally wounded. Or all three. He gripped his cold tea.
9:46.36
9:46.37
9:46.38
What could he be doing? Sirius sighed, fighting the urge to call Regulus, that would be weird right? Sirius wasn’t even sure if he still had Regulus’ number, Is that unusual? He wondered Not to know your own brother's number? If James had a brother he would know his number so why don't i know my brothers number?
9:47.06
9:47.07
9:47.08
He is definitely dead. He is out there bleeding out on the streets, Sirius could almost picture it, Regulus slowly dying in a pool of his own blood, pathetic, that was what his parents would say if one of them died in the street, pathetic, god his parents were sadists, they should be locked up, behind bars, dead-
Regulus stared at him nervously.
Sirius blinked rapidly, Regulus was standing in front of him, coat and bag still on- One airpod in the case the other still in his ear.
Sirius cleared his throat, “I didn’t hear the door close- I… You’re late.”
Regulus looked slightly amused, putting his stuff down in the corner, “Late for what?”
“No i just mean, late home”
Regulus shook his head, “Didn’t think you set restrictions on my curfew, Sirius.” he said tartly.
“No I-” Sirius made himself count to ten in his head- That fucking twat. “-I mean i was worried about you, Regulus- 2 hours- You were supposed to be home two hours ago”
“Why do you even care?” Regulus said, rolling his eyes.
“parce que je suis ton frère! I waited for you-”
“-Your french is awful Sirius really-”
“Oh for fu- CAN YOU JUST NOT FOR ONCE!” Sirius shouted, emphasising each word. Regulus made him so frustrated sometimes that he felt like screaming and tearing his hair out. Why should he be worried, why should he be worried??? Regulus was his brother. Oh and why should he worry? Nooo of course it wasn’t like Sirius spent half his life worrying about Regulus- Thinking about Regulus; Missing Regulus.
“Not for once what?” Regulus still had that insufferable smirk plastered on his face, as if this was all very amusing.
“Not for once be such a fucking twat” spat back Sirius.
Regulus was still standing there, shaking his head in disbelief, “What is that supposed to be?” Regulus muttered, gesturing at the two cold mugs sitting on the table. Sirius spared them a disappointed glance.
“Tea… I made us tea, obviously it’s cold now because you were late-”
Regulus began to laugh, “Really? Tea? Oh, were we going to have a tea party?” Regulus made a snide, mocking voice- And for a split second Sirius couldn’t see his Brother at all, but only his Mother.
“I just-” And for some reason Sirius could feel all his overwhelming emotions build up in his throat, “I just thought we could hang out, you know, just as friends…”
Regulus’ face went sour “we’re not friends, we’re brothers….” He clenched his jaw, turning to leave the room, “Get your own friends” he muttered, and Sirius felt his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach.
“-And then you just write down all the things you’re upset about and- Sirius? Are you listening?”
Sirius looked blankly at Lily, then shook his head slowly- Groaning.
Lily rolled her eyes, “Look, you asked me for this” she said, making Sirius grimace, but nod his head.
“No i know im sorry” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, “i’m just… Tired.”
They were sitting in the sixth form common room, in the armchairs in the corner, Lily’s notebook resting on her lap as she looked out the window- Either regretting every single life decision that brought her to this moment or just watching the sky- Sirius couldn’t tell. He grinned at her, “You look good today Lily- Fancy going and-”
“Stop trying to deflect from uncomfortable situations with innuendo. You do it alot. I hate it. Please stop.”
He laughed, leaning back in the chair, “Worth a try, Angelas giving me moon eyes across the room, i reckon she would have gone for it.”
Sirius watched Lily doodle in the corner of her notebook, a bored look on her face, “Yeah, good for her.”
“Hmmm” he replied, cocking an eyebrow at Angela, who blushed.
“Stop pretending she’s Remus.” Lily snapped, and Sirius looked back at her, his mood turning sour.
Remus and Edgar were in the quad, Sirius could see them, huddled up together. He had been throwing them glances all day, because they were always together- They had become one of those sickening in your face type couples and Sirius detested it with every bone in his body.
Lily was watching them too, then turned to look at Sirius, “James still doesn’t know then?” she asked with a slight frown on her face- In all honesty Lily was drop dead gorgeous. Her ginger freckles scattered across smooth pale skin- Green eyes and long, thick auburn hair. Sometimes Sirius looked at her and wished he could look like her, because she was beautiful, the kind of beautiful that made guys stop in the street- The kind that made boys like James devote years of his life to her- And she was smart. Though he supposed he couldn't be too jealous, he was as gorgeous and smart as she was.
It was late in the day and the sun was making its rare winter late-afternoon appearance, shining through the big window of the sixth form common room and drowning Sirius and Lily in a soft, golden light- The type that makes everything seem peaceful and ok.
“Sirius?” Lily repeated, and Sirius looked up with a sigh. No, James didn’t know, of course he didn’t. James would never understand what it was like to be in love with a boy, especially a boy you couldn’t have. Though, most of all, Sirius was terrified of what James would say if he found out. Of course, he knew James wouldn’t care- But that nagging, uneasy feeling just wouldn’t go away whenever he thought about telling James- So he just… Didn’t, however cruel it may have been.
“No.” Sirius said at last, “and I'm not planning to, not anytime soon, that is.”
Lily watched him, and then, with reproach, said “This may not be my place… But i think it’s mean not to tell him. He would have told you.”
“Would he though? Really?” Because Sirius knew James, and Sirius knew James could keep a secret, a lot of them actually- Because he had found that fucking The cure CD that James had bought a few weeks ago sitting in Regulus’ room. Regulus didn’t have a CD player, he wouldn’t have bought it himself… and besides, Sirius wasn’t an idiot, he knew where Regulus was working, because his Mother had told him. He also knew where James worked, because Effie had told him. Sirius was not a fucking idiot.
Besides, he had his own problems, other than his brother and best friend working together, and didn’t care enough to confront James about it.
So instead he shrugged, “Trust me Lils” he said, “James would not tell me. He doesn’t actually tell anyone much of anything.”
Lily raised her eyebrows, “Oh really?” she said, in clear disbelief.
Sirius laughed in amusement, “Go on then,” He smirked, “What’s James’ favourite band? What’s his favourite colour? How many people has he slept with during the time he claimed to be unrequitedly devout to you?”
Lily looked at him blankly, and Sirius leaned back in his chair, triumphant, “Look, I love James, I really do” Sirius stated, “But that boy says a whole lot of nothing, half the things i know about him i know from when he's drunk and rambling- Sure he confides in me, but he keeps secrets too- A lot of them. He’s scared of being judged, it's not malicious it's just- He's scared of ruining this golden boy image everyone has of him. Frankly, I blame his Mum.”
Lily had stopped looking at Sirius, and was now looking out the window at Remus and Edgar again, then shrugged, “I’m surprised, but I don't mind, we tell each other what we want to- I think it’s good to have secrets sometimes.”
Sirius mused over this as he watched Remus and Edgar get up, and thought of how much he wanted Remus- He had him but didn't want him- And then he had lost him just as he had begun to want him. Cruel irony. He sighed, as the last of the warm late afternoon light faded away. “Yes,” he said softly, “I suppose it is.”
Days were beginning to blur for Sirius, it would be Christmas holidays in a week- But mentally he was still stuck back at the beginning of December, in Remus’ house, in Remus’ bed. He was always there, that moment, it changed everything, and he couldn’t seem to escape it.
He had to talk to Remus.
The problem, Sirius soon came to discover, was that talking to Remus was a lot harder in reality than it seemed. Remus had become a phantom, always just out of reach, always with Edgar. He had tried twice to sit beside Remus in French, yet he now stuck to Amelia Bones’ side as if his life depended on it- All this avoidance, the constant attempts to ignore Sirius were beginning to take a toll, because as the days of desperately trying to get Remus’ attention went by, the more angry he became. He couldn’t stand it- Because wasn’t it Remus who had told him he loved him only three days before kissing Edgar. It was almost torture- Them being able to sneak away to the art room every morning before school, and be in their own world, where the rest of the school couldnt touch them. Couldn’t call them fags and homos. Sirius wanted it, he wanted it desperately.
The thing with Sirius was that when he was angry, he became out of control.
The idea had formed in PE, when he saw Snape walk past the astro turf. Snape was a vindictive gossip, everyone knew that, and the one thing he hated more than Sirius, James, Remus and Peter were Gays. Sirius knew that if Snape were to walk in on two boys kissing, per say, the whole school would know in less than a day. He also knew the people in this school were dickheads.
He also knew what he was doing was very very wrong.
He couldn't help himself- He was his Mother’s child after all.
He found Snape on Thursday afternoon looking greasy in a library corner. Casually strolling up to him, “Snape.” He addressed the other boy with a formal smile, as he pretended to be searching for a book, and Snape looked at him coldly.
“What.”
Sirius smiled, “Ever come to school early?” he said smoothly as he flicked through book titles, as if they were just two good friends making casual conversation- Not mortal enemies.
Snape shrugged, “Yeah sometimes.” he said suspiciously, Severus had always been a suspicious child.
“Ever visited Art classroom five around 20-30 minutes before the bell?”
Sirius had got his attention now, “No….?”
“Maybe you should.”
Snape laughed dryly, “I don't for one second trust you, Black.” And Sirius smiled coldly,
“Vice versa. Just… A friendly suggestion- After all I know how interested you are about why me and Remus are no longer on speaking terms, or is all the weird stalking you’ve been doing just for shits and giggles?
Snape pursed his lips, but gave Sirius a sharp nod.
It wasn't until he had left the library that he realised how bad what he had just done was.
Sirius couldn't bear to sit at home knowing what he had done- He was impulsive, but that- What he had done, that was maliciously planned, that was his Mother. The thing was, he was satisfied, he had a deep sense of pleasure knowing that tomorrow morning, Remus would feel totally hopeless, just like Sirius felt.
That feeling just about outweighed the guilt.
Sirius had never been good at coping with overwhelming emotions, he had three coping mechanisms thus far: Screaming at someone, getting drunk and hooking up with girls.
He didn’t have anyone to scream at though, Regulus was avidly avoiding him- So instead he stood in front of the club, fake id in hand, leather jacket on and a pack of fags in his pocket.
The bouncer raised an eyebrow at his id, “You’re 18?” He asked gruffly, and Sirius nodded with annoyance, “Yeah” He snapped, “So are you going to let me in or what?”
The bouncer gestured for him to go inside and Sirius snatched back his id with a grin- He loved doing this, travelling an hour to get to this club- The bright phosphorus lights sparked and bounced, the music crashed into the walls and he could feel himself drifting already. He went to the bar, “vodka coke.” He shouted at the bartender over the blasting music, sliding over the £5 note and taking his drink, going back out into the crowd.
The mass of sweaty bodies dancing and pressing against one another, a girl his age was dancing besides him, wearing a tight dress and a look on her face that told him all. She made her way over to him, and he grinned at her, leaning into her ear, “How old are you?” He asked, and she laughed,
“Why? You a Pedo or something?” He voice was calm and husky, and he took a large sip from his drink, he shook his head, “Quite the opposite i'm afraid, just checking you aren’t”
“18” She replied, clearly lying, she looked about 17. “Why, how old are you?”
“18, obviously.”
She shook her head, “Bad liar.”
He leaned in close, hands lightly holding her arms, “I'm better at other things'' he whispered into her ear, and felt her face go red. He had that effect on people- Making their eyes wander, making them blush.
She smirked again, “Unbelievable” She said, but she didn’t leave. She pulled him closer until they were kissing, the alcohol and the lights and the music and the people filling up his senses until he was totally delusional, he pushed her away, “Want to get out of here?” He asked, and he didn’t need a verbal answer.
The next morning he got up aching slightly, head pounding- He was in an unfamiliar room- A girl lying in the bed next to him, passed out. He got up and put his clothes back on. He checked the time and swore- it was 2pm. He creeped out, sitting on the curb until his cab arrived. When he got home he stopped, confused, Frank was standing outside his house, when he saw Sirius he let out a deep sigh, anger on his face. Sirius smiled nervously, “Hey Frank” he waved, but Frank strode towards him with a look of total hatred.
“What the fuck have you done?” he spat.