LILY
James plaited Lily's hair softly as she texted Remus for the fifth time.
James was officially part of the band. He was their ‘ publicity guy’ .
Mary was the ‘ Manager’
Peter was their ‘ tech guy’
Remus was their ‘ beta-listener’ and ‘ support writer ’
And Sirius was their emotional support dog.
Things were looking up, they had practised a song a few times, chosen a name for the band, “ the femcels ”, and allocated everyone a role. If only their support writer would bother to show up.
Dorcas crossed their arms, “Is he coming?”
Remus still wasn’t there, 15 minutes in, it was worrying her. If it were Sirius, per say, she would have just started the session, but he had been there early, bounding about helping them carry equipment into Dorcas’ garage. Lily had raised an eyebrow, Sirius early? And happy to help out? It was stranger than Remus ditching.
The garage was an ugly block that sat at the back of Dorcas’ garden, together they had shoved boxes of storage out the way as Marlene shook her head, “What exactly is the point of having this if its at the back of your fucking house hm? How’s the car supposed to get up here hm ? Drive through the house HM ?”
Dorcas had just rolled their eyes, “ fine ” they retorted “It's a concrete shed hm .”
“Decent hm ?”
“ Hm ”
“ Hm!? ”
“ Hm .”
“ Hmhmhm”
“HM!”
“Oh will the both of you just SHUT UP!”
One thing Lily had noticed since accepting James’ friendship was his touchiness .
At first she had been worried that he still liked her, but soon she noticed he did the exact same thing to his other friends, an arm around Sirius, fiddling with Remus’ hair, a head on Peter's shoulder. No one seemed to notice these small things but her, and she didn’t mind, even though Marlene smirked at her whenever James hugged her or put a hand on her shoulder.
He was currently going round the circle doing everyone's hair. He had started with Peter, giving him two tiny pigtails on either side of his head, then Sirius, with an elaborate hair twist which seemed to be causing discomfort. When he got to Mary, Lily had found, strangely, her eyes were fixated on the other girl as James put her hair into a cute little bun.
Lily wished to be James at that moment.
The truth was she had been totally and utterly in love with Mary ever since she had smiled at Lily on the first day of year 12.
Lily suspected that if Mary had never joined the school she would have probably ended up dating James, because Lily really did enjoy his company, and she had grown so fond of him, and she suspected that she really did like him properly last year, just for a month. She was embarrassed to admit it too, because after all those years of hating him, she had found quite suddenly that she couldn’t seem to hate him any longer. Just as that flower blossomed though, it was pulled out by the roots by a girl with pretty hair and dimples, and replaced by a flower so vibrant and full that Lily had struggled under the suddenness of it, as if she had been hit by a car and left winded on the side of the street, both ribs broken and a heart so full it hurt.
Mary had changed everything.
And now the girl she was totally, utterly, irrevocably in love with was ignoring her. Everytime Lily turned her way all she would see was the back of a head, or the side of a face, or pensive eyes looking anywhere but hers. It cut her, deeper than any knife.
Lily wondered with frustration what Remus was doing at that moment, wherever he was. Perhaps laughing at the horrible betrayal he had mastered for the sake of Lily’s annoyance (Remus surely wasn’t that sadistic, right ?)
Or maybe he had just slept in (but then again, it was 3 in the afternoon, and Remus was always up early. It was something Lily had learned through studying the dark, plum coloured crevices that encircled Remus’ pale eyes. He had chronic insomnia, a fear of sleep. Sometimes he joked that he was scared of the moon, and what it would do to him in his sleep.)
“I think we should just begin,” yawned Sirius, lying on one of the old, dusty sofas, desperately trying to tug his hair out of James’ clamp of a hairstyle.
“I agree” Marlene said, “And we’ve already practised some stuff.”
Lily touched James’ hand softly and he hurriedly tied up the plait. She smiled at him kindly “Thankyou”
“No problem Lils” he hummed, “Maybe I should go ginger?” He lifted Lily’s hair so it sat on his head, and Marlene pulled a face.
“God forbid” she said, rolling her eyes, “I would pretend not to know you”
He dropped Lily’s hair and wriggled his eyebrows at her, in a distinctly James-y way that made Lily stifle a laugh, “touche” he grinned.
That was another thing with James, he was always a good sport, didn’t take things too seriously, laughed things off. That was why everyone seemed drawn to him, his innate sense of I don't give a fuck. Lily had hated that part of him so much for so long, hating that he could just not give a shit, that he was always happy, had the perfect friends, had the perfect family, had the perfect life . Yet, that was the one thing in him she truly loved now. His nonchalant. He was strangely cultish, like an addiction. He was a drug that made you feel on top of the world, when you were with James Fleamont Potter nobody mattered but the two of you, and then you stepped away, and you found yourself on the low, craving that feeling again. That was James Potter, he was ecstasy in a human body.
She plugged in her guitar to the aux, letting herself feel its weight, getting in the zone.
She had a song, one that seemed to have been drifting through her ever since that first day, that first smile that Mary had given her. All she had to do was write it down. The song had been entwined between them, Mary and Lily. Fates tied together, or so she hoped.
That song wouldn’t be sung today, it was a secret, one that she had cried over, she had hugged and read and rewrote and read and rewrote over and over again because it kept her sane. No, that song was for Mary only, and only if she wanted it. Lily would not force her heart on Mary, but merely wait in line, hoping Mary would give her a glance. She had a song though, one she had written lately, after that phone call from Mary.
“ I love you ”
Three words Mary could only seem to say to Lily when drunk. So she had written a song, but not for Mary. The song was from Mary, from how Lily believed Mary saw her, and how much it hurt Lily to be seen that way.
“ Lily ” Snapped Marlene impatiently, and Lily blinked back into reality. Marlene was in a bad mood, Remus had lit the fuse but the bomb had been built slowly all day, or perhaps all week, something was up with her. Lily was afraid to ask, when Marlene was mad she got toxic, insults thrown at you incessantly that hurt so much you wondered how such vile things came out of the mouth of such a nice person.
James mouthed you good?
She nodded briskly at him and nodded to the other two, and soon music began to play.
Then she had to sing.
Just to start this off
This isn't the start of anything
Just a song that I can sing to you
We're standing in a graveyard
A presumably dead arm popped through the grass
And who doesn't talk about that?
Honey, you are nothing to me
Alcohol and dopamine
I'm dying on the sofa
And I barely know the time
But like an old man, say I reckon
I love you for a millisecond
But I don't wear a watch or Rolex
And my brain's a toddler roller skating down a hill
I took a spill and ran into a tree and suffered minor injuries
Honey, you are nothing to me
I don't call people anything that's thought to be so sweet
But I'm just being bitchy
'Cause every stupid boy skipped over me
On our twilight hour meet and greet
A coffee table theatre scene
But disregard the soaring check back there in corner three
I'd rather let the poor kid sleep
But he's tripping balls, he's tripping testes
LSD, post-wisdom teeth
He got lost in the shower and he barely knows the hour
I wanna know your passwords
Without changing them in Preferences
And all the childhood streets and deceased pets that they're referencing
And in the box, I'll type
I'll know all the numbers to try
I wanna know the lyrics that you think of when you're high
I'm in love with strangers who I've never even seen
In love with weird cut bangs and sweaters swaying kind of awkwardly
And I'm in love with fresh air friends from overheated houses
Till I Uber up a giant park and dump my body in my dorm bed
Honey, you are nothing to me
I don't call people anything that's thought to be so sweet
The speech is coming back with a vengeance, it seems
And all these pretend spouses are a happy storybook
That'll turn to stark nonfiction in the time it took
For me to notice that I'm old, which means I'll be 30 and happy
Likely married to personified business casual khakis
And I'll forget about it when I wake up late and stupid
I tried to tell the Uber driver till he tried to hit it
I tried to tell myself because I've come this far along
Carrying my zombie arm to the 14th-grade prom
Honey, you are nothing to me
I don't call people anything that's thought to be so sweet
The speech is coming back with a vengeance, it seems
The speech is coming back with a vengeance, it seems
She took a breath.
Everyone was suddenly there, right in front of her. Mary had a strange look in her eye, hurt maybe, and Lily felt her face heat up.
Mary shook her head, “I need to go.” she said quietly “see you all on Monday” before getting her coat and walking briskly out.
“Shit” Lily cursed, running out after her, gasping at the freezing wind that slapped her in the face. A moment later she had caught her breath and was back to chasing Mary. Through the house, down the street until she found her at the bus stop, and Lily waved her arms around madly, trying to get Mary’s attention.
“MARY!” Lily shouted, and Mary froze, turning slightly. Lily had never seen anything so beautiful as the way Mary looked in that moment. Stray ringlets of hair dropping around her face, cheeks and nose tinted pink, her eyes like dark honey in the piercing December light. Lily had to take a deep breath, going to lean next to Mary on the bus shelter. They stayed in silence, Lily studying Mary’s face for some indication of acknowledgement, but in defeat sighing and asking “Where are you off to so quickly?”
Mary’s mouth twisted slightly, “home.”
Lily winced at her clipped tone, trying to shrug it off, “What about band practice?”
“My Mum texted, plus… I- I mean i’m not even in your fucking band, am I?”
“Yes you are!” Lily cried, her face turning red, “You’re the Mana-”
“-Manager” snapped Mary bitterly, “Don’t kid yourselves, it’s a pity position, well you can all go and stick your manager pity position for poor old Mary up your arse. I don’t want it.”
Lily bit the inside of her cheek. She tried to respond but nothing came out of her mouth, and she swallowed.
“...So your Mum texted?”
“Yeah.”
Lily cursed internally and tried again, “...Are you excited for the holidays? Only a couple more weeks…”
“Three. Three more weeks.” Said Mary, looking away, and Lily could feel her slipping away.
That scene, standing there waiting for the bus, felt like the end of something. That would be it, she could sense it, after that moment everything would be different, or maybe it already was, she just didn’t know why.
“Oh yeah no i know” she said eventually, and Mary shrugged.
“Ok.”
“Did you um.. Did you like the song?”
“Yeah it was ok. I bet James loved it.”
“What?” Lily stood up straight, but as she went to ask her what she had meant Mary's eyes drifted off behind Lily’s shoulder. “That’s my bus, gotta go.”
“Oh- I-”
But she was already gone.
“Go away Petunia.”
Her sister opened the door, Petunia was taking a gap year after not getting into Cambridge, she had refused to apply anywhere else like the stuck up prick she was.
God Lily thought if i was Petunia i would hate myself even more than i already do. That's saying something.
“Your guitar noise is distracting me.”
“Distracting you from what? Making out with your prissy boyfriend? Oh that's right, you can’t kiss till marriage or you might get a kissy disease ”
Petunias nostrils flared, “ he is not prissy ”
“Tell it to someone who cares” she snapped back, fists clenching. Lily despised Vernon. The feeling was mutual. He was her antithesis, even the sight of him made bile rise in Lily’s throat.
“Just shut it, yeah?”
Petunia slammed the door before Lily could retort, and left her bubbling with frustration.
After a moment of silence Lily turned and screamed into her pillow.
School crept up like a disease, wrapping its sickly arms around you and promising torture and pain. She had been ignoring James since Saturday, she was afraid in a lot of ways. Mostly about the song, the stupid song. How had she not realised it might be seen as some declaration of love to James? Or perhaps she had simply been relying on the common fucking sense of her friends to realise in no universe would she ever write a song like that for James. Had they not been there for the past 5 and a half years?
As she entered the sixth form block she froze at the sight of James, and the look on his face told her everything she needed to know (which was that he didn’t have any common fucking sense and was a complete knob and thought the song was about him).
So she walked right past him.
She could feel his confusion and hurt from a mile away. Ignore it, she thought adamantly, ignore him.
She felt his eyes on her as she marched away, making her way to first period biology, trying to recall which free periods she and James shared for the day so she knew when to hide in the toilets, and when she was free to walk in the open without risk of an entirely unwanted James Potter ambush.
After Biology it was clear she needed a talk, and only one person would do.
“PETER!” she called “Wait for me!”
Peter turned around confused, but seeing Lily he smiled weakly.
“Hey” he said, “What's wrong, they aren’t serving meatloaf in the dining hall are they?”
“No..no” she said, panting slightly, “Um, can we talk?”
Peter froze, “Yeah, sure. Is this about the James song on Saturday because-”
Lily groaned in misery but led Peter up to the Library anyways, where they sat at her favourite table, the one tucked at the back.
“So…” Peter began “James said you were avoiding him?”
Lily could feel her face turn flushed.
“Yeah…” she murmured, avoiding eye contact, hoping that maybe a bomb would hit her. She had a rotten, guilty feeling in her stomach. It felt like it was curdling or boiling or punching.
“May I ask…” He said hesitantly, and Lily nodded, “Why did you write that song about him and then-?”
“It isn’t-” She fell short, tears were welling up, and they spilled out she gasped, “It was about Mary not bloody James ”
Peter’s mouth fell open, and his eyes widened as if he had just had the biggest epiphany of his life.
“It’s- It’s not about James?!” he asked, suddenly wildly giddy, so much so that Lily felt slightly scared all of a sudden.
“Definitely not.”
“And that's why you’re avoiding him” he cheered.
“Yes…” she said nervously.
“Alright… This is so much simpler than I thought it would be , Mary is in love with you” he put plainly, a sincere smile on his face.
Lily chuckled, “oh yeah in my dream fantasy palace where my dreams are.”
He shrugged, “I’m not joking Lils, Mary loves you, really and truly.”
“Stop it” she said desperately “Don’t say that-”
“Isn’t that what you wanted to hear?”
“Yes but I-” she gulped, “I- I- I don’t know what to do now and I-”
“Explain to her,” he suggested.
She sighed, “It isn’t that simple”
“I know” he breathed, almost too quietly for her to hear. Then he chuckled, “You know something, James really isn’t into you anymore.”
“No?”
“No, I think he likes someone else, but I don't know who, definitely not in school…”
“He won’t tell you? That’s unlike James.”
“I know . James is normally such a blabbermouth I swear” Peter drifted off again and looked at the table.
“I'm surprised you wanted to talk to me to be honest, I mean- Why me? Are you avoiding the others too?”
“No.” Lily said simply, “But i like talking with you”
Peter smiled slightly, and Lily caught a glint of something in his eye, some deep sadness that seemed to overwhelm him. He bit his lip, then softly said, “Go talk to James.”
She nodded, “Know where to find him?” She asked, and Peter laughed weakly,
“The cafeteria” he said, “always the bloody cafeteria”
He was right. James was sitting in the dining hall beside Sirius, head in hand, headphones on. His lips twisted in a prudent frown of discontent, and as she approached it only seemed to grow deeper.
“Lily.” He said vaguely as she approached. She took a deep breath,
“Can we talk, James?”
He studied her for a long moment, glanced at Sirius who shrugged, before nodding and silently following her out the hall.
“James im sorry i ignored you”
They were tucked away at the back of school, a place scattered with fags and marker pen graffiti.
He shrugged, “It's fine. I- Was the-”
“No.” She said calmly, a slight smile withering on her lip.
“Oh…”
Lily tucked her hair behind her ears and grasped both her elbows. Her scarf was wrapped tightly around her, she loved winter, but she only loved winter in summer, and she loved summer in winter. She pictured herself after this year, one more summer before the hellish rain of A Levels poured down upon her, in Cornwall with Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, Emmeline and Mary. Running straight into the waves, lounging around on the beach, her freckles coming through and the smell of sunscreen filling the air.
She brought her mind back to the present. “James” she said sternly “I really did like you once, last year, i really, really did..”
“You- you did?” genuine shock filled his voice, and perhaps a bit of regret too, she couldn’t always tell with James. He wore his heart on his sleeve but all those darker emotions he had were harboured far below the surface, too far down for Lily to see.
“ Yes ” she said gently, it was weird to admit it.
He grinned, “Well you will be pleased to know I have moved on.”
“I can tell”
“Who was it about then… Theodore?” he guessed, mockingly tapping a finger to his chin. She laughed up at him.
“Notts? No way” she said, shaking her head in amusement.
“Sirius?”
“Oh god no,” which made them both laugh.
“...Remus? I can actually see that you know, but he just started dating Edgar so he's unavailable-”
“I'll give you a hint…”
“Mhm?”
Lily leaned in slightly, and a devilish grin appeared on James’ face, “ it's a girl ” whispered, and could have laughed. That was the first time she’d ever said anything like that.
She had expected James’ smile to vanish but it didn’t, it just grew wider.
“A girl hm… That certainly widens the perspective. Is she single?”
“I believe so”
It seemed to dawn on him, he began to piece it together. She watched him remember Lily running after Mary the day before, she watched him put the puzzle together.
“Oh Lily…”
“I know”
He took her hand kindly and she squeezed it, “I don't know what to do…” she said mournfully
“Want to know a secret?” James said cautiously.
“Always, prongs.”
He looked down at her suddenly, “Well I- wait- did you just call me prongs ?”
She looked up at him, grinning again, “So what if I did, hurry up with this secret before the bell goes.”
He leaned down again and whispered, “ I like boys sometimes ”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah”
They both smiled out into the school grounds, before James nudged Lily, “Do you think those geese are fucking or fighting?”
She turned, shocked, to where he was pointing; Two geese biting at each other viciously, and she rolled her eyes. “You always cross a line James” she muttered.
“I really do, don't i?” He laughed, “ok, you want me to help you with Mary?”
“No offence but i really wouldn't go to you for romance advise, seeing as your track record with romance is just straight up harassing me”
“Ok ok you win.”
The bell rang, and James turned to her, “free period?” to which he nodded. “Perfect” he said, “Walk with me?”
“Always James, always”
Severus was outside her house.
“Fuck” she muttered, she couldn’t avoid him, not anymore.
Sometimes she missed him. She hadn’t really had any friends in primary, except him, back when he wasn’t a spiteful racist git. Back when he didn’t leer at gay people and shout slurs. Back when he was kind. She missed him like that. She missed pretending they were witches and wizards, running around shouting made up spells. Now he was here, greasy and scowling at her.
“Why are you here?” She asked through gritted teeth, scowling right back at him with just as much spite, which seemed to take him aback.
“Lils,” he said, offended, as if he was trying to reason with her. She felt a cold shiver of repulsion run through her spine.
“Don't call me that.” she spat.
He leered at her, “James calls you that”
“Oh will you just fuck off! ” she cried, whipping around to him, he was short, short enough for her to shove him, “Why the fuck do you care?”
He grabbed her by the arm, tight enough so that she couldn’t wiggle out, “Are you dating him Lils? How could you do that to me?”
“Get off you’re hurting me ” she whined, desperately trying to get out of his grip.
“I love you Lily, I'm the only one who will ever love you ok? They’re just using you, just trying to fuck you, all those boys, im not i- i-”
“OI”
They both turned to find Petunia at the front door, glaring daggers at Severus, who promptly let go of Lily’s hand and backed away.
Lily hurried back into the house, and Petunia rolled her eyes, “ creep ” she spat and Lily took a shuddering breath.
“Thanks Tunia” she managed
“Whatever.” her sister said, moping back upstairs, “Vernon is upstairs, it was distracting us from our studies.”
“Of course. Studies ” she whispered this last part, and giggled.
Petunia rolled her eyes and sauntered back upstairs.
When she was alone in the hallway she collapsed onto the floor, a nauseating feeling spreading over her whole body. Severus made her feel sick.
She was shaking slightly, what was happening to her? She wished she could go back in time and become friends with someone like Molly T and not Sev, maybe then life would have been easier. Maybe then she wouldn’t get ambushed at random points, she wouldn't turn around and catch Severus watching her, whatever she was doing.
She remembered the last few months of their friendship last year; Whenever she had tried to talk to him all he would do was stare at her chest or try to kiss her. Or when she tried to stop James taking the piss and Sev had called her a whore in front of everyone. She had done the right thing, cutting him off, she hadn’t been happier since… still.
She looked up at the ceiling. If there is a god she thought, please, kill me, kill me right now .