PETER
Peter sat on Franks bed, football playing in the background. Alice had her head resting on Franks lap, and he was stroking her hair as he watched the tv. Peter was watching them, their subtle love. They didn't have to speak, they could just sit with each other- Peter had never had that before, that feeling. Alice caught him staring, and smiled at him, "All ok, Peter?" She asked. Alice had a very soft but deep voice- But the kind of smile that could blind. Sometimes she reminded him of his sister, and he just waned to hug her for a very long time.
He smiled back and shrugged, "Yeah, fine." He said, and she raised her eyebrows in disbelief, but she didn't question it, just turned back to the tv. Frank was shaking his head in dissaproval, "You know something.." He said in a voice that told Peter that he was about to say something very wrong. "Neymar isn't even that good-"
Peter had the pillow ready, and threw it at Frank's head, "ow!" Spluttered Frank, "Jesus christ what happened to freedom of speech??"
"You get freedom of speech when you don't tell lies" Peter snapped back, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, Frank laughed,
"Peter, mate, Neymar is shit"
"He is not shit- He's a god"
Alice was laughing now, "I don't think he's quite a god Peter... But you know who is a god-" but Frank already had his face in his hands,
"oh no" he groaned "not this again..."
"-Ben Barnes... Peter don't you think if Frank grew out his hair he would look like a young ben barnes-"
"No- I am not growing out my hair-"
Peter watched them lovingly argue for a few seconds more before clearing his throat... "Um i think i might go." Which caused Alice to stop and sit up slightly-
"No Peter don't leave! The match isn't over yet!"
“It's fine i'll watch it at home, I'm getting a bit tired.” He waved goodbye and left the house, breathing out a sigh of relief. He wished he could have a love like Alice and Franks, they loved one another so deeply it almost hurt to look at. Peter had always wanted to love like that. To carve out your heart for a person and enjoy it. He would do it too, he would uphold a carving knife and do it, even if it was very painful, even if he bled, he would place his blood soaked heart into someone else's palm and hope that they would keep it beating.
He hadn’t really known where to go after school. James was working, Sirius’ was a no go and so was Remus’. So he had traipsed over to where he knew Alice and Frank hung out at the end of the day and asked if he could hang with them, he hadn’t seen them in awhile, and he liked the company. Peter had been having a lot of worries as of late, mostly thanks to Remus and his new outburst. Dating someone three days after confessing your love for someone else? It was bad, even by Peter’s standards. He was worried, to say the least. Worried about everything.
He was nearly home when he got the phone call. Mary’s name lit up his phone, a bad photo of her he had set as her profile picture with it, he lifted the phone to his ear as he let himself into the house, greeting his parents.
“Hey”
“Peter, is that you?” Mary slurred, hiccuping, and Peter stopped in the hallway.
“Are you…drunk?”
“Just a little” She giggled, and Peter pursed his lips.
“Where are you?”
“I..” she giggled down the phone “I.. don't… know! I think.. Hmmm let me see. I think it just might be a Park! That one near school I think… Just maybe.'' She giggled again and Peter sighed.
“Do you need me to pick you up?”
“Yes please”
“Ok fine i’ll be there soon.”
He rushed through the hall to his Dad's office. “Dad?”
His Dad spun round in his chair and smiled, “What's up poppet?”
“My friend is drunk at that park near school. Could you maybe drop me there? I’ll walk her home then get the bus. I'm just.. Worried.”
“Yeah of course, I'll drop her home too if you want.”
“Would you? She's really drunk... might take a while to find out why she's there and you might be sitting around for a bit.”
“It's fine really.”
“Thanks Dad.”
“We better go, it's dark and shes alone and drunk in a park”
Peter screwed up his eyes as he followed his Dad to the car. He really hoped Mary was ok.
The drive was quick, and his dad parked hurriedly. “Go on then, don't be too long ok Pete?”
“I won't Dad, love you”
“Love you too”
Peter jumped out of the car and ran as far as he could to the playground, where sure enough he found Mary, sitting happily on one of the swings.
He panted as he sat heavily down on the swing next to her. She was swinging placidly, smiling at him.
“Peter! There you are”
“Here I am,” he said quietly, and lay his head gently on the cold metal of the swing.
“I thought I would rot here. Soak into the ground. It reminds me of the playground I used to play in back at my old house. It felt like this.”
“Are you ok?”
“I'm a lesbian Peter.” she sighed deeply, and her smile withered slightly, she looked as if she could have cry. “Its true, all those boys i mess around with, i dont know. I don't love them. I love someone else. She doesn't love me back though, she likes boys. oh i'm only 17 Peter, why do i feel like this? Like shit? This is supposed to be the best time of my life”
Peter chuckled, “You sound like Remus”
“Hm?”
“Nothing.”
Mary swung slightly on her tiptoes, and it started to rain. Dribbling down on top of them. “Well.. I think she likes boys. But I love her. I love her Peter”
“You really should trauma bond with Remus, Mary.”
“Yeah…” She sighed, “Good old Moonboy”
“What am I then? Wormboy?”
“No..” she said dreamily, “You aren’t a worm Peter, and if you were, you would be a very nice worm.”
“Thankyou.”
“I think you would be earth. You are just so nice, no one really treats you properly. Are you in love Peter? It's such a nice feeling, so pretty.”
“I don't think I'll ever be in love, Mary. I don't think anyone's ever liked me before.”
“I don't think that's true Peter.”
“I do.”
“Can we go home?”
“Of course love. Of course we can.”
He helped her up, she stumbled a bit but they managed to get to his car ok.
Peter's Dad turned on the radio on the way back, after Peter managed to coax her address out of her. After she was safe home Peter's Dad smiled kindly at him.
“You are a very good person, Peter.”
Peter looked out the window as the car pulled away, he didn’t know if that was actually true. He was an ok person he supposed, but the truth was he had always suspected if someone was going to turn bad out of his friendship group it would be him. He was selfish and a lier and not very nice sometimes.
“I don't know if that’s quite true”
“I do.”
Peter hummed his response, closing his eyes softly. He wondered why Mary really did get drunk. Why, if she liked being in love so much, she would be so upset.
They drove home in silence, the quiet static of the radio playing out. There were raindrops falling onto the window and he watched as two of them raced down, dancing around one another. Perhaps he thought, that is love, even though it feels nice, it still makes you want to go out and get completely pissed out of your head.
He texted Mary later, after Dinner. He asked her if she was ok now, if she needed to talk some more. She didn’t respond. So he worried instead. He let the worry wrap around his whole body like bubble wrap, until he couldn’t move without a POP sound of worry making itself heard.
She pulled him aside the next day at break. She had deep eyebags and her hair drooped slightly.
“ Peter, ” she whispered.
He looked at her expectantly, holding onto her arm.
“I'm so sorry about last night, Pete.” She breathed, “I was so drunk and felt so awful that i got wasted at some party and then some year 13 tried to touch me so i ran to that fucking park and called-”
She stopped herself, took a deep breath, and continued, “I called Lily and told her I was in love with her. Which is just stupid. God she thought I just meant in a friendly way, she asked if I was ok and drunk so I just hung up and called you.”
She had started crying and Peter bit his lip, he pulled her into a hug and she moulded around him, squeezing him tightly.
“You’re one of the good ones Peter. One of the good ones”
He rubbed her back slightly and released her, “Are you sure you’re ok now? I mean…Who was this guy Mary? Because if I know I can assure you he won’t be walking around this school much longer. He won’t be walking anywhere in a long time”
She grimaced, “ Mulciber ”
“Oh”
Mulciber was big and strong and could destroy Peter with the touch of his pinky finger, maybe trying to beat him up wouldn’t quite work. He could probably outsmart him- no - he could definitely outsmart him.
“W-well..” Stammered Peter, “I could give him a good fight yeah” he mimicked punching and dodging and Mary burst into laughter, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment.
“Oh God Peter, i don't even think i could watch that fight”
He grinned at her, “Yeah well he’s all but failed A-levels, so no stress”
Her smile softened, “Will you come sit with us at lunch? The other three have decided to form a band without me and it's got pretty lonely over there”
“A band ? By God what has the world come to”
Mary laughed again, “I know, i thought they were joking when they first told me”
“I think I have to see this for myself.”
“See you at lunch”
Sticking to his word, Peter made his way to their table at lunch with his sandwich and took a seat between Marlene and Mary.
“Hey guys” He said, “Hope it's ok to sit here?”
“Peter!” Marlene exclaimed, “How are you?"
“Great, Mary was just telling me about how you guys formed a band.”
Lily smiled at him. She was pretty. Peter had always been able to recognise this. Long, lush ginger hair that swooped around her face. Freckles that could almost out do his step sisters. Emerald eyes that had a sense of daring in them.
“We’re still looking for a name to be honest with you,” Dorcas added.
Marlene rolled her eyes, “I said that we should call ourselves The London Strippers ”
“You literally got that off a fucking band name generator mate” Mary sighed
“Some of them were good ”
“To be fair” Dorcas chimed in “I still like 10 Things Feminine ”
“God no sounds like an early 2000s low budget romcom, i like The Bloody Nuns ” Lily responded
“That's even worse" Mary murmured.
“I like them all,” Peter shrugged dumbly.
Lily sighed, “No they are all shit ”
Peter didn’t say anything, instead he watched as Mary watched Lily. God he should make a support group for people like them.
“Hello my name's Remus Lupin and it's been 4 days since I've gazed longingly at my allegedly straight crush whom I am completely and irrevocably in love with.”
He could have laughed.
Peter lay on his bed. He wanted to be run over, he wanted to be winded so badly, like when a football hits you right in the stomach after someone has booted it at you, or when you fell off a skateboard backwards and all the wind went right out of you and for a second, just a second, you couldn’t feel any of that curdling anxiety that had been building up in Peters stomach all week.
“PETER” Pamela called, and he sat up, “LETTER FOR YOU!”
He smiled.
He and his step sister had been writing to each other for a year now, ever since she went off to that fancy french boarding school that Sirius’ brother was in. (That was at least one thing he and Sirius had in common.)
Unlike Sirius though, he really did like his sister. She was nice and eclectic and a little weird sometimes but he liked that, he finally had a sibling, one the same age too. They sometimes told people they were twins, just because they could get away with it, both being blonde.
He ran downstairs and thanked Pam, before running back upstairs to the safety of his room.
Dearest Peter!!!
I inserted a picture of our new cat! My room-mate found it and now we keep it under our bed whenever inspection comes round! (she rarely does)
His name is Peter because he looks exactly like you, he is very cute!
I miss you very much, and I made you a friendship bracelet for my favourite twin because I'm very sad about the fact that I can't see you right now.
Today's lunch was répugnante disgusting, the veggie option was barely edible!!!
Regulus told us that Sirius had a breakdown, make sure he’s ok, Regulus said he’s been doing badly.
Could you also tell me the address of the cafe that Regulus has been working at? Apparently it's the same as your friend James’. Me, Evan and Barty are going to surprise him!
Love Pandora xxx
P.S: Love you lots and lots and wish i could give you a hug see you at christmas (SO SOON!!!!) you are wonderful, get me a good present or face my wrath.
Peter pulled out the friendship bracelet, tying it to his wrist and staring fondly at it, before looking at the polaroid photo of a ginger cat with the words,
PETER!!! <3
Written in Pandora's loopy handwriting beneath.
He searched through his draw for a piece of paper and envelope and wrote back.
Dear Pandy,
I will ask James asap! And text Sirius later, he’s been having a rough time as of late with the argument !!! Sirius especially has been getting shit after Remus
Peter paused. He forgot he wasn’t telling Pandora about everything. He didn’t feel like he could, especially with the chance she might tell Regulus. And besides, she hadn’t told Peter about why Regulus had been suspended, so perhaps it was fair game between them
Sirius especially has been getting shit after RemusI have to go to my Mums today… Kill me now!!!! She’s going to make me go to yoga with her or something like that. Plus Dad is making him and Pam fucking fajitas!!! MUMS GOING TO MAKE ME EAT A SALAD!! PANDORA SAVE ME!!! Lily, Marlene and Dorcas have formed a band, and all their name ideas kind of suck, stuff like THE BLOODY NUNS or AU REVIOR BITCH or something like that, very metal gross. Might have to interfere, ensure the world's safety. I said they should call themselves the chipettes but they all said no!! Horror!!
From Pete x
P.s if you don't hear from me by next week my Mum has starved me to death trying to make me skinny, send the police and a hitman!
He shoved it into the envelope and sealed it, writing the address needed on the front and sticking a stamp on the right hand corner.
He sighed and stared at it for a moment. He should make her a friendship bracelet soon, something nice, his sister deserved something like that.
He checked his alarm clock and swore loudly.
"FUCK”
He had ten minutes before his Mum got here.
She always got extra bitchy when he was late.
He skidded across the room and threw in the last of his clothes and revision guides. “Fuck” he mumbled “fuck fuck fuck fuck.”
He ran downstairs and passed Pamela the letter, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Pam please please post this”
She smiled warmly at him from the sofa “Of course Peter, i made you a packed lunch for later by the way, God knows that woman doesn’t feed you enough, it's in the fridge. Have fun ok? Lots of revision! Only a few months until 2nd Mocks!!” she chided, and he groaned.
“Don’t remind me, i only just got the results for the last set”
She smiled again “That's what i'm here for sweetpea. How's Panda?”
“Alive. Hates the veggie options at school”
“So did I, she’ll live.”
He heard his phone ping, and read a text from his Mum.
MUM
I’m outside.
“Bye then, tell Dad i said i love him and that i want him to get full custody for my christmas present”
“I'll pass on the message”
Peter walked out the door as slowly as he could into his Mom's range rover. It was big, shiny and new, just like his Mum's new life. He preferred his dad's old black ford fiesta, with its scratches and dirt.
He threw his bag in the boot and sat in the front seat beside her, fastened his seat belt and began to awkwardly unknot his earphones, attempting to avoid eye contact with her.
He knew she was staring, he could feel her eyes boring into the side of his head as if she would quite like to just shove him out the car and drive away, and truth be told, he wished she just would. That way, without any doubt, he would never have to see her ever again.
Even the way she looked upset him slightly. She was so thin, so horribly thin. She had always tried to make him as thin as possible too. She would glare at him if he wanted more food than she gave, he was always on a diet, always restricted, always punished for eating with an appetite. She resembled him in no ways other than her hair, corn blonde and tied tightly up in a ponytail, the same exact shade as his. Her skin was beginning to wrinkle now in her late 40s, her tight fitting sport clothes doing little to help hide it.
She didn’t look a bit like Pamela.
Peter had idolised Pamela ever since he first met her. With mousy brown hair and a broad grin. She didn’t try to be beautiful, she didn't need to be desired from the outside, because she was so outstanding, just like Pandora ( though Pandora was unmistakingly beautiful, in the most supernatural way, blonde hair as light as his, freckles, the same wondrous smile as her Mothers. Anyone would almost believe the two of them really were siblings). Pamela gave him enough food. Pamela laughed at his Dad's bad jokes. Pamela stayed up all night with them watching Geeky movies because she liked them too. And Pamela always made him feel loved, like he was enough as he was.
His Mother did none of those things.
He supposed a little part of himself still loved her, still craved her smiling down at him. Missed the way she used to love him. He knew that it was not the same thing though, craving and loving.
She started the car and began to drive.
Eventually, just as Peter went to plug his earphones in she said his name.
“Peter.”
He looked up expectantly, but she didn’t say anything more.
“Uh, yeah?”
She scowled. “Yes.”
“What?”
“It’s yes not yeah. Speak properly.”
“ Yes what do you want”
“How’s school?”
He rolled his eyes, of course she wanted to make small talk.
“ Fine . It’s- It’s fine.”
“After your last mock results I hope you’ve amended your studies.”
“Yes.”
“Good, how are your friends?”
“Good.”
“Have you got a girlfriend yet?”
Now it was his turn to scowl, he didn’t respond. No, no no no no.
As if reading his mind his mum asked haltingly, “Peter are you gay?”
He sat there stunned. What the fuck was wrong with that woman.
“ what ??!!”
“I’m your Mother, you can tell me these things.”
“I'm not gay Mum Jesus Christ.” Which, funnily enough, had been the first true thing he had said since sitting in this car.
“Don’t swear,” she snapped back.
He jammed his earphones in so he wouldn’t have to talk to her, and they remained in for the rest of the journey.
As soon as he entered his Mums house he wanted to go home, as he did everytime he was here. It was an isolating place, it gave one the feeling of being pushed deeply into a tiny box and then displayed on a shelf in front of hundreds of people.
Josh , his Mums new partner, sat at the table, his shoulder length curly hair sat perfectly. His facial hair neatly trimmed down. His tanned, smooth skin fit his body perfectly. He looked like a knock off Joe Wicks for christ's sake. He was way too young for Peters Mum and they all fucking knew it.
He grinned his false white teeth up at them.
“Good Afternoon.”
“Hey.” mumbled Peter, turning to go up to his room.
“Peter ” His Mother hissed. She was embarrassed of him, god she should just give up custody if she hated him so much. “ Greet your step Father properly ”
He winced, he hated that word. Josh had nothing to do with him.
“Good afternoon Josh”
“Dad” his Mum spat quietly so Josh could not hear her.
Peter turned to her, he said nothing, just glared at her until she looked away. “ You call Pamela Mum ” she murmured, and he rolled his eyes, walking upstairs.
He only did that in front of his Mum (it pissed her off) and strangers (it was easier than explaining), he never actually referred to Pam as Mum when talking to her.
His room was cold and ugly. His room at home was filled with scattered clothes, movie and band posters, nerd culture figures, school books, his ancient trombone rotting away in the corner. He loved that room.
This room was grey scaled, a single bed with white sheets. A picture of his Mother and himself she seemed to have put up since his last stay. He scowled at it, took it down and shoved it deep under his bed.
He should probably revise now. He had felt the pressure way down on him more and more.
Instead he pulled out his laptop and picked out WHIPLASH.
Above all else, he still had his movies.