REMUS
They were standing outside the art classroom early in the morning- The fluorescent lights of the hallway shining down on them, emphasising the eyebags under Remus' eyes. He was leaning against the wall, thinking and thinking and thinking. His mind knew one thing- Sirius knew that Remus was in love with him, which was sort of a problem. Remus had spent the last week accepting and moving on, but Sirius seemed to make it impossible- Worse was the fact that Sirius also didn't seem able to stay away, buying Remus presents, staring at Remus, following Remus around. If it had been under any other circumstance Remus would perhaps be led to believe that Sirius was the one in love with Remus. But that wasn't how life worked- Life had always hated Remus, and now he had taken the final blow.
Dorcas stood besides him, the letter in hand. Remus didn't need to read it again, he had spent so long reading it over and over that he had the whole thing memorised.
To Moony
I don't know what to do with you ignoring me, it's making me crazy.
The thought that you hate me is the worst thing imaginable. Please, could we just go back to normal?
Friends?
- Padfoot
Eventually, Dorcas folded up the note and passed it back to him in silence. "Ouch" they said eventually, and Remus nodded. Ouch indeed. It wasn't just ouch, it was agonising pain that was ripping through his whole being. At least before he could relish in the thought that there was always a chance, a maybe, a possibility, but now that had been taken from him too, and he was left with nothing but bitterness.
He could see Edgar walking towards them, his golden curls, his dark eyes, the freckles on his face. He was the exact opposite of Sirius; Perhaps that was what Remus needed, the exact opposite of Sirius. Someone who knew their feelings, who didn't confuse and hurt him. Someone honest and kind... Someone who liked him. As much as Sirius wanted it, things would never be the same again, and Remus knew that he could either embrace the change or rot in the past. Edgar was a hand offering a future where Remus didn't mourn over old pictures of Sirius, and stay up at night looking at the few stars visible in the city sky, and imagine Sirius doing the same. He offered a future where Remus could be open and happy and free, with new friends and a new beginning.
Sirius offered one thing, pain.
It was wrong though, even to consider going out with Edgar, especially now. Remus wasn't the kind to play with people's feelings like that, he wasn't Sirius after all.
If Sirius wanted things to go back to normal, then that was exactly what Remus would do. His friends were all sitting in the sixth form common room, James, Lily, Peter and Sirius. He walked over to them, fixing on a big smile, one that was totally normal. He raised his eyebrows at Lily, "Budge up" he said cheerfully, which she did with a hint of shock on her face, "... Remus" she said carefully, "Everything ok?"
He forced himself to laugh, "Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" and he could feel all of their eyes on him, four pairs of disbelieving stares.
A silence was beginning to settle over them, so Remus cleared his throat, he had never felt so chatty in his life, "Lily, what do you think of Edgar?" he asked.
She blinked, confused, she seemed completely bewildered by Remus' sudden change in mood, "um.." she began hesitantly, "he seems nice..."
"Cute?" Remus questioned, focusing solely on Lily, ignoring Sirius, watching as she took in this question.
"Uh sure? I mean he has nice hair, why?"
"I think he's pretty cute." Remus responded feeling quite happy with himself as he watched Sirius' face contort in anger. James laughed, nodding his head in amusement,
"Good for you Remus" he said, "asked him out yet?"
"Not yet, but i like him, hes nice-" Remus was interrupted by Sirius standing up and marching out, and Remus smiled even wider, "Nice, arty, funny. He's perfect."
Peter was shaking his head, angry as well, "Remus." He snapped, "Too far mate." Standing up as well and leaving. So what? Peter was suddenly taking Sirius' side? Lily's face also had a disappointed look on it, "Why?" she asked, almost upset "What was the point of that?"
"How do you know?" He asked, his mood beginning to sour, but he had to remember, he was normal Remus, and normal Remus didn't get this mad.
"Dorcas told me-" To which James rolled his eyes,
"So even you know? Are you fucking kidding me?" he snapped, glaring at Remus- James rarely glared, but when he did it was terrifying.
Lily turned on him, "You're joking- Oh i'm just you now? Well then you can fuck right off." She stood up and stormed away, and James swore, chasing after her with apologies- Leaving Remus alone at the table.
He could feel Sirius watching him quietly for the rest of the day, and he wondered if this was what it was like to be Sirius before the kiss. To have a steady pair of eyes on you always, and he hoped he had felt Remus’ pain back then. The sun-like longing that shone out of him and burnt his every atom, and he hadn’t cared, he would have sacrificed his universe for Sirius, every star in the sky and every tree growing and every laugh he had ever laughed, it could all have been Sirius’ if only he had asked. Now he was healing. That great big hole was being sewn up slowly, the black hole was disappearing within him, and he could breathe. Maybe it was Edgar. He wanted Edgar to be the one healing him. Maybe if he hoped enough, it would become true.
“I've never smoked before…”
Edgar bit his lip nervously and Remus laughed. “I'm not forcing you to smoke Ed, I was just offering.”
He had started calling Edgar Ed. Remus secretly loved nicknames, and clearly so did Edgar, because he smiled slightly at it, and took hold of the cigarette nervously.
They were sitting on the art countertops early before school, the window open to let the smoke drift out. Edgar was scared that the art teacher would smell it, but Remus knew first hand that she was a smoker herself, in fact he had stolen a few of his first cigarettes from her in year 9, thinking he was very cool standing in the rain trying to smoke without choking. Now the memory made him want to drink bleach, so instead he turned his attention back to Edgar. “Ok” he said, amused, “breathe in, and inhale until the back of your throat starts to burn then blow out, try be quick though or you might choke”
Edgar shook his head in disbelief, “ok… ok here we go…” he raised it to his mouth, and began to cough.
Remus laughed, patting his back and taking back the fag, “what did i say about doing it quickly?”
“S-Sorry.” He let out a few more coughs, “That is just... Not good.”
“Hey! I warned you!”
“Oh fuck you, I hate you”
“Language” mused Remus, in the same way James used to.
Edgar sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes, and Remus watched him. Normal-Remus would fall in love with someone like Edgar, he imagined living with Edgar, back in Wales, in a nice little house full of books and paintings where he was an author and Edgar was a painter. They would have a cat, maybe two…
“What are you thinking about?” Edgar asked, and Remus quickly bought the cigarette back up to his mouth so he wouldn't have to answer straight away.
“A book i'm reading at the moment” he said dismissively.
“What's it called?”
“...I capture a castle”
“What's it about?” Making Remus laugh uncomfortably- He asked too many questions.
“Ummm... This girl in the 1930s lives in this old castle and falls in love with her sister's fiance after he kisses her, even though she isn't supposed to… Even though she's supposed to love the right boy who loves her back, but she doesn't .” Remus felt his throat go dry and he took a deep breath, he thought about the kiss. The kiss, and his friends, who all seemed to hate him now.
Edgar was watching him carefully, and then leaned close to Remus. So close Remus could count the faded gold freckles on his cheeks and nose.
“Remus? ” he whispered, and touched Remus’ jaw lightly with his fingertips. A question. Remus considered it longer than perhaps he should have, and then kissed him. Edgar's lips were soft and light, they tasted like summer and warmth, a haven that invited Remus to curl up in dazed. They aren’t a bit like Sirius ’, Remus found himself thinking, Sirius tasted like feeling infinite, a place where I could be forever and he would love me for all of it. Sirius’ were hot and brittle Edgar leaned back and smiled shyly. “You taste like cigarettes,” he stated.
Remus suppressed a laugh, “I thought you didn't like the taste of cigarettes?”
“I think it could grow on me.”
He knew he was cruel, Sirius’ face was telling him as much.
His hair was tied back, a thing Remus knew he only did when he was stressed or upset. A few strands had fallen around his face and his chapped lips lay slightly parted. He was upset. Remus had upset him.
But Sirius didn't have the right to be upset. Not in the slightest.
James and Peter were grinning though, smiles that helped Remus dissociate away from Sirius, that reassured him that he was forgiven for yesterday. “So what? Are you guys like... properly dating then?” Peter asked, taking a bite of his ham sandwich. Perhaps he had come round to the idea, or was just trying to be supportive.
“Yeah pretty much” Remus said with a faux casualness.
“Bring him here then” James stated.
They all started at James, “What?” Remus asked, confused.
“Well we want to meet him-”
“-I've met him.” Peter cut in, making James roll his eyes.
“Not the point Peter, me and Sirius want to meet him, don't we Padfoot?”
Sirius shrugged and averted his eyes, his face twisting miserably and for some reason this angered Remus more, God he could be so insufferable, so entitled and such a fucking Dick. Could he not just be happy for Remus for once?
“I can go grab him if you want, say hi and stuff?” he said in his Normal-Remus voice again.
“That’d be good” James said cheerfully and went back to talking with Peter. Remus got up, he knew he wasn't actually going to bring Edgar over here, he was going to hide in the library and lie about it later, but they wouldn’t know that.
He walked out the cafeteria and had just made it to the stairs when someone grabbed his arm. Sirius stood there, panting slightly, a stormy look covering his perfect face.
“What?” Remus snapped, pulling his arm back. Sirius' anger, his jealousy, it was making Remus glow, because that's exactly how he wanted Sirius to feel, however wrong it was, Remus deserved some satisfaction. Sirius looked up at Remus angrily, “Are you really dating him? Really??”
“What are you talking about? I’ve moved on Sirius, get over it.”
“No. No. Because three days ago you told me you loved me. You can't go dating someone else after saying that!” Sirius' face was a mess of confusion, of pain, and for the first time Remus felt a slight regret, but it was too late now. “Didnt know you were fucking counting down the days.” he responded.
“Moony please stop ”
Normal-Remus wouldn't take this shit, so he shrugged Sirius off, “It's not like you cared, you were the one who asked for things to go back to normal, shit you practically begged for it. Well this is it padfoot , this is normal .”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“Believe it or not Sirius not everything is about you ” Remus turned around, took a breath and went to walk away, but Sirius grabbed his hand.
“Remus i’ve changed my mind, i’m working it out i swear but this isn't normal , this isn't normal for you ”
And for a second, just a second, Remus considered turning around and kissing Sirius again right there in the hallway in front of everyone else, those already staring because there were two boys holding hands, but he didn't.
He wouldn’t hurt Edgar.
He shoved Sirius away from him, “stay the fuck away from me Sirius. ” he hissed, and then turned and walked away firmly.
It wasn’t a clean break, but he knew it was some kind of breakage.
He held in his tears as he walked home with Edgar that night, their hands brushing. Remus wanted to pull away from him. Pull away before Edgar got too attached. Before he really hurt the only boy to ever really like him. He was going to, and better now?
But he couldn’t, because Edgar was nice. Edgar was everything Sirius wasn’t. He should be happy. But there was something curling up in the pit of his stomach, something days away from imploding, from creating another black hole.
Remus knew if that happened there wouldn’t be anyone to sew it up. Because anyone near him would be sucked in and die. No one would dare come near him.
So he didn't cry in front of Edgar. Instead he smiled his Normal-Remus smile, because Normal-Remus would be over the moon to be with Edgar, he would thank every star in the sky. Even Sirius, the brightest one in the inky pool hanging above them.
He didn't cry in front of his Mum either. He just smiled as wide as he could and told her about his day and Edgar. He didn't cry when his Dad called, he sat stiffly and listened silently as his dad fumbled through pleasantries, and hung up before he shouted at him. He didn't cry until late at night, when the only noises were the rare car driving past, he let himself cry deeply then, tear soaked pillow.
He wished that he could go back in time and not invite Sirius round to his house, he wished that he had just rolled his eyes and told his friend to shut up.
Remus sat up, opening the window next to his bed and resting his head against the frosty glass. He watched the night buses and few cars as they sped down the main road just off his street. He imagined what his neighbours were doing, what lives they were living and how their problems were tearing them up from the inside just like his were.
He thought about what Edgar was doing, maybe he was sleeping peacefully, happily.
He thought about Sirius, who was probably up, doing whatever he did.
Sirius had always seemed untouchable to Remus, like some sort of worshipped God that could never be matched. Remus had seen him on the first day of year seven and had been starlit. Like thousands of spotlights had been pointed on him the moment Sirius looked at him.
He rubbed his eyes, annoyed, he shouldn’t be thinking about Sirius anymore.
“Remus i’ve changed my mind, i’m working it out i swear but this isn’t normal, this isn’t normal for you”
Why did Sirius think he had the right to say things like that to Remus anymore. “ I’ve changed my mind. ”
“What about though??” Remus seethed quietly, banging his forehead lightly against the window angrily.
His phone rang and he picked it up quickly, anything for some sort of distraction, he didn’t care if it was a scam call.
“Remus.”
“Dorcas?? It's 1am? Go to sleep”
“What the fuck is wrong with you Remus ?”
“Wha-”
“You can’t go messing around with people's feelings, you get that right? I didn’t actually want you to date Edgar. I suggested that moving on was good for you”
“I am…”
“No you aren’t. You’re using Edgar to feel good about yourself after being rejected and are going to completely break his heart once he realises why his golden boy is actually dating him”
“I wont hurt him.”
“You won't fall in love with him either, not like you love Sirius”
“...That's not fair”
“What's not fair is breaking someone's heart without a real reason, making Sirius jealous isn't the way to go about it”
“Yeah well I'm not going to reject Edgar. I like him. Sirius is out of the picture now.”
“But is he really? What are you actually up thinking about anyways? Edgar ??”
Remus didn't respond. Dorcas sighed.
“Yeah. That's what I thought.”
“I don't know what to do Dorcas”
“I- Well i don't either, because that hole of yours just got 6ft deeper, and Amelia will bury you in there if you hurt her brother”
“I know”
“Do the right thing Remus, whatever that is. Do it ”
“I.. Will.”
“Goodnight Remus”
“Night”
Remus dropped the phone on the floor by his bed and closed the window. Dorcas was right. He needed to do the right thing. Tomorrow Sirius would find his letter and presents in his locker and Normal-Remus bright and smiley. Just not Smiling at him.
Remus closed his eyes, and Sirius drifted out of his mind as if it hadn’t been plaguing it for the last 4 years.