SIRIUS
Sirius stood in front of Remus’ house nervously.
He had defied his parents, taken three buses and walked 20 minutes to finally get here… Now he was wondering if he shouldn't have just stayed home like he did every other Saturday.
He had imagined this moment in every way all night, and through the whole journey.
Fucking knock on the door he thought do it do it do it do it
Before he could think better of it he reached his hand forwards and gave the house a smart knock.
Minutes later Hope opened it, and smiled warmly at him, not without a bit of surprise on her face though.
“Sirius!” She exclaimed, “I didn't know you were coming over!”
“Oh I'm really sorry I just… uh… need to drop something off for Remus…” he said warily, gesturing down to the brown paper parcel he was clutching as if it would spring out of his hands and run away, a small envelope holding a very important letter strapped securely to it with the thanks of sellotape.
“Oh don't worry Sirius dear, you don't need an excuse to come over, I miss seeing all you boys, you’re such good influences on Remus! Honestly if it wasn’t for you lot he probably wouldn’t even leave the house.”
Sirius felt slightly more relieved, and walked into the house on her invitation, pulling off his shoes and hurriedly making his way up to Remus’ room, where he’d only been a week or so ago, on that fateful day.
He knocked, he didn't know what else to do.
He heard Remus’ voice from the other side of the door, slightly confused. “ YEAH? ” he called, and for a second Sirius closed his eyes, wondering if he still had time to back out, but then he heard a shuffle and the door swung open.
They stared at each other.
Remus’ mouth hung slightly open, a disbelieving look covering his whole face.
“Sirius… What are you..?”
“-Can I come in?”
“Oh- uh yeah sure…What's happened?”
Sirius clutched the parcel tighter in his hands as he walked in, as if it might spring out and run away from him.
He had never felt so anxious in his life.
“What's that?” asked Remus, closing the door behind him lightly.
“Um..” Sirius tried very hard not to make any eye contact as he passed over the present, “It's yours.. I mean… Um yeah it's for you”
Remus stared down at it in silence, and Sirius got a sudden bubbling feeling of horror, “i-Well on Friday me and James bunked and it was just some stuff i saw when we were out and its not like i only bought shit for you or whatever like pfft i bought stuff for the others too i dont know… its just a present you know…” he trailed off, “and- and an apology because for fucks sake Remus how many times can i express how sorry i am! What do you want from me? What do you want ??”
“I don't want anything from you” he said, and passed back the present “i mean it Sirius. I don't want your charity”
“It's not fucking charity though!” Spluttered Sirius, “It's a present, ok? It's a present for you ” he took a step forward.
Remus’ face suddenly burst into flames, a deep scarlett starting from the tips of his ears and blazing across his freckled cheeks.
In anger thought Sirius well what's he even got to be angry for anyways, i've SAID sorry
“I can't do this anymore Sirius. I can't keep pretending nothings wrong ”
“Nothing is wrong”
“Yea it fucking is! Shits really really wrong! If you havent fucking noticed because actually i wouldnt put that against you, you are just so oblivious of peoples feelings and i- i- i-”
And to Sirius immense surprise and horror tears began to slide down Remus’ cheek, a rare sight, Remus so rarely cried.
“I just can't keep pretending I don't know you Sirius, like I'm not in love with you and i-” It dawned suddenly what Remus had just said to the two of them and they stood there, stricken.
“I better go” whispered Sirius, almost to himel and opened the door quickly. He rushed out without another word, apologising to Hope before practically sprinting out of there.
REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE WITH ME REMUS IS IN LOVE-
“Oh god please stop thinking so loudly, your going to fuck up this game so badly if you do snap the fuck out of it ” Marlene kicked the football at Sirius with full force and he had to dodge out of the way to miss it.
“God's sake Marlene calm down.” Muttered Sirius. “You’re going to get mud all over me”
The football pitch was sticky with the mud- The rain had lasted all night, and Sirius could almost kid himself that it was reason he hadn't been able to sleep.
Marlene kicked mud up at him aggressively. "SIRIUS" she shouted "FUCKING CONCENTRATE"
“Ok ok i get it Marls!” He sputtered “Did you have to??”
“Yeah” she muttered, and glared at him.
He often thought that if he were a girl, he would be Marlene. Self-cut short hair with so many layers it could almost be a shag, so blonde now in winter it was startling against the grey sky. Her skin was slightly pink from the cold and her football kit slightly too big, with the shorts just below her knees and shirt sleeves to her elbows. God he thought, if i was a girl i would definitelylook like that.
Then Sirius started to wonder who he would date if he was a girl; Because im straight, that would mean id date boys, because i'm not gay, so i wouldn’t be lesbian? That's how it works right? I'm always straight, so I would be.. I would still be straight… I would date.. boys.. He thought, and for some reason that thought caused him a strange sense of pleasure, I would like boys… I wonder what kind of boys I would date… A brunette. Probably tall, girls like tall guys... Someone with brown eyes and freckles- oh. he had caught himself out. What was he even thinking?? If he was a girl he would be a cool hot lesbian like Marlene, because like Marlene, he liked girls.
Suddenly James was there, snapping his fingers in front of Sirius.
“God he really is broken ”
“Tell me about it”
“Right Sirius mate? Hellooo you with us??”
“Yeah yeah” Sirius spat out, swatting James’ hands away. James grinned at him.
“Right!” he declared, “We got 5 minutes before practice starts and Pete wants to have a word with you” James said, pointing over to where Peter stood- His coat zipped up to his chin. If looks could kill, Sirius would already be dead.
Sirius felt his blood drain from his face. He was sure Peter knew, now he was going to be slaughtered, betrayed and locked up in the highest security prison for what he had done to Remus. Peter was no threat, unless he was really pissed- Then he was a fucking dick. Peter always knew what to say to hurt someone. He always seemed to know how to hurt Sirius especially.
“ Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!” he kicked the mud up in frustration. There was 20 minutes before the game and his team were relying on him. Remus was relying on him. His family was relying on him. Everyone was just sitting on his shoulders, and he could feel himself sinking under the weight.
Marlene gritted her teeth, “not going to lie to you, but things are looking bad” she landed a heavy hand on his shoulder, imitating their coach, “But you gotta go out there anyways and pray that Peter doesn't murder you or something because he looks like he might ”
James nodded solemnly, “whatever you’ve done now you've definitely fucked up. He actually asked to come out here today. And you know Peter, he would rather slit his wrists than come watch us practise.”
He knew all this already of course, so with a deep breath he tore the plaster off (so to speak) and hastily jogged over to the glowering Peter.
“Hey Wormy...” he said, smiling nervously as he walked up to Peter.
“ You ” Peter said, menace all over his voice, “have a lot of nerve leaving your house today”
“...what?”
“Running away??? Is that what you do now??? He said he fucking loved you and you ran away like are you actually.mentally. deficient? Are you fucking insane?”
“Probably” muttered Sirius.
“That was a dick move. Now you have to properly leave him alone, you got it? Give him time to wallow in self pity and realise you dont deserve him and then move the fuck on and then maybe we will let you talk to him again.”
“ We ?”
“Me, Dorcas, Edgar and Amelia. Stay the fuck away from him or face the consequences. Now I'm going to go sit in James’ car with his Mum.”
And to Sirius’ surprise and slight amusement, Peter turned sharply and marched off in the wrong direction, before stopping, turning around and walking back the other way with a mutter of “wrong fucking way”
For the whole of football practice Sirius thought about it . It being Remus.
For the whole of the afternoon he thought about it.
And at dinner.
And at night.
And the whole of Monday.
And Tuesday.
And Wednesday.
In French he had got Madam Monet to let him sit alone at the back, where he could happily watch Remus. The closest he got to him nowadays.
He wondered if he had read the letter that Sirius had left with the parcel. God Sirius thought that had aged badly
His sadness soon turned to anger. Never a good thing with Sirius.
He stormed home one evening, the anger bubbling up inside, all consuming, like some sort of virus infecting his cells, because every part of him was so angry at Remus, so hateful to himself.
Sirius hated himself, he probably always had.
What was wrong with him?
He tore down books and kicked his bed and threw things across the room in such anger you couldn't possibly even begin to imagine it.
He wished to scream, it hurt even more because his room was so bare , all that made Sirius a person was a few books, a bed, some clothes, a desk and chair, a single poster.
He began to sob, stamping on his books, again and again and again until he kicked them too far, then turned on the poster now torn up on the floor, and ripped it up piece by piece until he felt so drained he was sure he would pass out, hopefully die here, in this boring lonely room like he fucking deserved to.
Luckily his Parents were out, and afterwards he fell to his floor, sobbing like a girl he thought to himself like a girl .
That was how Regulus found him, curled up on the floor having a breakdown. Fat tears rolling onto the floor in such amounts that a puddle was beginning to form.
His younger brother stood there, face contorted in horror. His headphones still partially in and bag still on. He put all this down and stepped further into the room until he was gazing down at Sirius.
“Sirius?”
Sirius didn't reply, he just lay there, crying.
“ Sirius? ”
He watched as Regulus screwed up his eyes, “ Oh fuck you ”
There was still no response.
“Why would you do this, why would you do this. Oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA?? WHO'S GOING TO GET THE BLAME FOR THIS ONE HM? NOT PERFECT SIRIUS OH NO BUT STUPID SUSPENDED REGULUS. You should have known better regulus, you should have STOPPED HIM- ”
“ Shut. up. ”
“Excuse me?!”
“ Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up Shut up- ”
“-MAKE ME, FUCKING MAKE ME. I WILL SCREAM ALL DAY BUT YOU BETTER HURRY THE FUCK UP AND-”
“-SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-”
“-TIDY THIS SHIT UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD SIRIUS-”
“SHUT UP! ”
Regulus shut up. Stunned. “OK… God ok ” Regulus slumped on the floor next to him.
Sirius sniffled “what a pair we are”
“Speak for yourself” sighed Regulus, “I'm not dumb enough to trash my room twenty five minutes before Mother returns”
“Are you fucking timing this?”
Regulus burst into laughter, and Sirius stilled.
He could not remember the last time he had really made Regulus laugh.
Maybe when Sirius was 11, before Regulus left for school, 5 whole years ago. “We better start tidying up,” he said glumly.
Regulus’ eyebrows shot up, “Is that the royal we?”
“Maybe”
“ Tu es un branleur”
“ J’en ai rien à foutre ”
Regulus finally sighed, “ok ok you win, but i'm only helping you because i feel bad… Got it?”
Sirius smiled slightly, “of course, Reg, of course”
Regulus’ nickname felt funny on his tongue, he hadn't said it in so long.
Reg , he thought, Reg there you are, finally
“Why are you smiling like that, you look like a prick.”
Sirius just laughed, he just laughed.