JAMES
James was late.
He had worked part time at the local cafe in the evenings on Fridays and afternoons on Saturdays ever since September.
It was a nice cafe, tucked away in the corner of town. Movie posters covered the walls and stacks of vinyl and CDs were sold in the corner. Old music always played out of the dusty speakers and it was always generally quiet, populated by students and young adults.
He ran in the entrance and behind the counter and threw his coat and bag on the table in the staff room, grabbed his apron and badge and hurried out, praying his manager wasn't there.
She was.
Esmie was a long term friend of Euphemia, and had given him the job as favour. James liked Esmie, she was nice enough.
He did, however, not like her when she was mad.
Which, today, she was.
“You’re late” she said bitterly “ I've had to man the desk and I haven't even had a chance to show the new worker how everything works yet because I have been doing your job. 20 minutes! 20 minutes late James!”
“I know… i know” he said guiltily, “The bus was like 10 minutes late and then the traffic was awful- Wait... new worker?”
“Oh yes... He got suspended from his school so his Mum is making him get a job. She emailed me requesting it. I was going to say no but she said he would do it for free everyday of the week except Sunday."
And with that she whisked off to her office, leaving a very annoyed and disgruntled James behind.
Who could that be? He wondered, whizzing up images of some cool guy who had managed to get suspended from school… Probably with some piercings and spiky dyed hair and definitely the type of person James would want to hang out with.
He turned round dreamily to come smack face to face with ‘the new guy’.
He did not have spiky dyed hair, or piercings, or seemed the type of guy to get suspended from school. It was not, in fact, a cool mysterious stranger at all.
It was Sirius’ brother.
James hadn't seen Regulus in years, and he had for sure changed since then. First he was taller, nearly as tall as James, his dark hair was longer, and his face had grown paler and more sullen. They stared at each other for a few long seconds, trying to work out what to say, until awkwardly James cleared his throat.
“Uh… Regulus, hi.”
“Hi”
“Um…” James shifted uncomfortably under Regulus’ stare, “I didn't know you were back”
“Didn't Sirius tell you?”
James sighed, yet another thing Sirius was keeping from him these days, “No, we’re not on great terms right now.”
“Evidently.”
“What did you do to get suspended?” he asked, curious what the seemingly perfect student could have done to get suspended for two months
“I punched someone”
“ Really ? And you got suspended for two months for punching someone?? God, boarding schools are so weird.”
Regulus’ eyebrows raised, but he didn’t say anything. Before James could break the awkward silence though Esmie popped her head round the door, “less chat more work lads”. They both muttered consent and went off to wipe down some tables left behind.
James knew Regulus had been bemused that he had known about the boarding school, he did though, of course he did, because that school had closely been Sirius’ fate. If that had happened the boys may never have met, and that probability that James may have had to spend his time at secondary school Sirius-less had always made him slightly uncomfortable. The school in question was Poudlard international school. It was a French boarding school which had always intrigued James, and it surprised him that someone could get suspended from a prison like that.
After a while James sidled up to Regulus.
“So…” He began, pretending to wipe the counter whilst Regulus made a customer a coffee, “You can speak french then?”
“Of course I can speak french” snapped back Regulus.
“Hey hey hey” James said, hands in the air as surrender, “no need for the attitude! I did a year of french in year 8 you know, so i'm quite l'expert"
“Clearly” came the annoyed response.
“Go on then, talk a bit of french for me?”
Regulus turned to him, a scowl on his face “ tu es un emmerdeur James Potter” he murmured, before he stalked away, coffee in hand before James could say a word in response.
The rest of the night they worked in silence, Regulus keeping a safe distance whilst James eyed him up from the opposite corner, trying to work him out (which was basically impossible, seeing as he barely smiled, even when he was talking to customers. Making James shake his head, got to work on that he thought.).
After the shift James pulled on his coat and bag and waited for Regulus, who when realising this gave him a very sour look. “What are you doing?” he asked bitterly.
“Waiting for you”
“Why?”
“Because I can.”
“Well im getting the bus so we’re probably not going the same way anyways”
“How funny, because so am i… My Mums ill, she normally picks me up but obviously she can’t today.”
“And?”
“And so we are going the right way. Want to head out?”
Regulus stood very still, before relenting. “Whatever” he moped out the cafe, closely followed by James.
It was a cold night, and their breaths curled up into the air. James remembered pretending he was a train when he was younger, it made him smile, and Regulus (who had clearly been watching him out of the corner of his eye) raised an expectant eyebrow.
“Why are you smiling?”
“Oh” James chuckled, “When i was younger i used to pretend i was a steam train whenever my breath became steam, i just remembered that”
“Oh” Regulus said, but the coldness in his voice had faltered, as if he too was remembering fond memories of childhood, “Me and Sirius used to do that, when we were kids, but we would pretend to be smoking cigars instead”
James snorted, “That's just like Sirius”
“Yeah… it is”
An awkward silence washed between the two of them. James had always hated awkward silences, he dreaded them. They were like a weight pushing down on him, stumping him into the ground and making his heart beat faster until he had to say something. Anything. Even if it was stupid or annoying or could hurt the other person he had to say something. Or just, not. Because he didn't actually have anything to say to Regulus Black, and that fact in itself weirdly pissed him off.
They reached the bus stop, and James pulled out his phone and clicked onto instagram.
Lily had posted two new pictures, and James smiled down at them.
The first was a picture of a stage from afar, a female artist holding a guitar and singing passionately into the mic.
The second was a selfie of Lily in the concert audience, make-up smeared on her face, hair messy, Marlene crashing the photo with a manic grin.
“Is that your girlfriend then?”
James looked up, surprised, “huh?”
Regulus pointed at Lily's photo, “Is that your girlfriend?”
“Uh.. Oh no definitely not we’re like, friends”
“Ok”
James cleared his throat awkwardly, “What about you.. You got a girlfriend back at school? Waiting for her gallant prince charming to return home after beating up some good for nothing?”
“ No i dont a girlfriend ”
“Or a boyfriend! Hey i don't judge!”
A tint of pink appeared on Regulus’ cheek, which he quickly covered up by rubbing his temples in exasperation, “No, listen I don't think that's any of your bloody business ok?”
“Alright god ok why are you so touchy?”
“I am not touchy”
“Yes you are, and you’re the one who bought this whole thing up so maybe just learn to take a joke.” He snapped back, it had been a long day and James’ patience was wearing thin. A bus pulled up, and Regulus still hadn’t said anything, face stony, angry. He got on the bus without another word, and James watched as it pulled out and away from him, and he wished he had apologised whilst he still could have.
The next day was awkward, to put things lightly.
Regulus ignored him all afternoon, everytime James tried to apologise he would walk off, fists clenched. Eventually, in a moment of desperation, he scribbled an apology on the back of someone's unwanted receipt and left it where he knew Regulus would see it.
When Regulus finally saw James’ note, he watched as the boy stared at it for a long moment, stared at him, stared at the note some more, nodded at him and then folded it up neatly and sliding it into his back pocket, causing James to breathe a sigh of relief.
They still didn't speak though, and James thought it was probably for the best, it wasn't like they were friends anyways.
Sirius was crying, and James didnt know what to do about it.
The problem was, he couldnt even comfort him, because he didnt fucking know why he was crying!
Even worse, they were standing in the middle of the street on their way to school, he didn't even know how it had started.
They had met up at the corner as usual, and walked, talking about mundane things like the show Sirius was watching and then about a movie James had watched and then about an actress they both fancied and then he burst into tears, not a silent cry, but a proper meltdown, right there in front of mini tescos.
“Jesus Christ Padfoot, what's wrong now ??”
“Oh James you’re all i have left” he cried, clinging onto James, making people stare slightly as they walked past.
“Oh-uh ok mate… ok right let's go sit.. No? No ok we can just um stand then right yeah let it all out” James awkwardly patted Sirius’ back until the boy stopped crying and went into sniffling instead.
Luckily they were standing next to mini tescos, so they quickly walked inside before they attracted more attention.
“Right. Why are you crying, Sirius?”
“Let's skip school.”
“Sirius? Why were you crying?”
“Let's go to London, let's go shopping, I want to go shopping James.”
“Ok… But first you have to tell me what the fucks going on with you yeah? You’re all mopy and it's starting to pissing me off.”
“It's pissing you off? What about me! When was the last time Moony even looked at me?”
“Oh fuck off he looks at you all the time ”
“No he fucking doesnt he hates me and i cant do anything about it!”
“Apologise? Maybe?”
“Done that.”
“Then that's that”
“Im going to fucking kill myself”
“No you won’t.”
“Can we go now?”
“Where the fuck do you plan on dragging me?”
“I don't know, lets get on the tube and get off at a random stop”
James considered it, and he nearly said no. But he hadn't ditched school in so long- Not since year 10. Two years had gone by and James decided that it was time to do something slightly rebellious. What was the point in living without a thrill?
It was nice, ditching with Sirius, it was like an adventure.
They scouted out a music shop first, and whilst Sirius talked enthusiastically with the girl behind the counter about David Bowie and all those other ancient artists that James didn't know, he flicked through the CD rack, looking at the ones on sale.
He bought a couple CDs, a Taylor Swift one that Lily had talked about wanting, a Kate Bush one for his Mum, an apology-fueled The Cure CD for Regulus with a song that he had seen paused on Regulus’ phone and a beach boys one for himself.
Meanwhile Sirius was buying records, and James knew exactly who they were for.
After that they found themselves at a charity shop, where James found a T-shirt for Peter and a flannel to replace the one that was ruined with cola the week before, whilst Sirius bought books James knew he had no interest in himself. They were for Remus. Clearly.
James decided Sirius needed a break from thinking about Remusness and dragged him to a nearby market, where Sirius instantly paid a fortune too much for a brown leather jacket too big for himself, but perfect for Remus.
James glared at Sirius’ stupidity from another corner of the market, where he was buying food for them.
This is ridiculous he thought to himself Absolutely fucking ridiculous
This whole stupid trip that was supposed to be about James and Sirius had all of a sudden become Sirius and his imaginary Remus (oh and James but who cares about that?)
“James?” Sirius said, startling James back to life.
“Hm?” James blinked, glancing around, and realised he was holding up the queue. “Oh God sorry!” he exclaimed and took his chips, hurrying off with Sirius slightly (very) embarrassed.
“What was that all about?” Sirius asked, a look of amusement on his face, (and an armful of bags stuffed with things for Remus )
“Nothing” James muttered in return, leaning against a graffitied wall and popping a chip into his mouth, “oh” he said “i forgot to get ketchup”
“It's fine mate honestly”
“ And vinegar”
“Vinegar’s disgusting anyways, here give me some would you?”
“Sure” he said, holding out the greasy bag, Sirius bit into a handful and grinned “oh i fucking love streetfood” he managed through a full mouth
“No talking when your eating” snapped back James
“Okay then Mum ”
James sighed and turned towards a group of people across the street, probably uni students, 4 of them, laughing around and drinking beer.
James imagined him and his friends there in a couple of years, when Sirius and Remus had stopped fighting and things were fun again for all of them.
They were all going to go to the same uni anyways.
Probably.
“James!” Sirius snapped, bringing James back to reality “What's with you today?”
James shrugged and looked up at the sky.
He heard Sirius sigh, “well if you weren't moping you would know that i said its 3:25 and we should probably go home now?”
“Fine.” James said. He was no longer in a good mood, and Sirius was beginning to get on his nerves.
“What the fuck is up with you?”
James let out a frustrated groan “can you not see that im fucking angry at you or are you BLIND”
“Well why are you angry at me?” Sirius said, his voice raising too
“Because you're keeping secrets from me for god's sake Sirius no wonder i'm mad at you!”
“ It's personal business James! ”
“YOU NEVER USED TO HAVE PERSONAL BUSINESS WITH ME! WE DON'T HAVE PERSONAL BUSINESS WITH EACH OTHER DON'T YOU SEE???”
James never shouted, and so now he watched Sirius eyebrows crease and his mouth twist downwards.
“Im sorry” he whispered to James. “I can't do this right now”
James stood limply, “why?” was all he could ask.
“I just- God James i really fucked up, like badly enough to never talk to Remus again. and it still really fucking hurts and i just dont think i can talk about it, not yet.”
James sighed, and pulled Sirius in for a hug.
“ What the fuck are you doing ” mumbled Sirius, but he could feel him melt against his shoulder anyways
“Hugging you”
“ Don't be weird ”
“Don't be a twat”
“ Touche ”
James sighed. He was not ok yet. He still had anger that was bubbling deep within his throat, wanting, fighting to spill out so desperately. But he shoved it as deep as he could until it was all but forgotten. Because that's what I do , he thought to himself bitterly, i comfort.
He wished Sirius trusted him like he used to, now they were older Sirius disappeared within himself more and more. His eyes would glaze over or he would stare at a spot on the wall for too long and James knew something was going on up there, something James couldn’t see into. He would prod and pray that Sirius would turn to him solemnly and tell him . Because if all he was good for was to comfort then surely he should be allowed to do it. He was not in concern of Sirius though. Sirius told Remus. Sirius told Peter. Sirius told Marlene and Mary and Lily and Alice and Frank and everyone else but him his problems. James was slowly being more and more isolated away from Sirius and his world. James was only allowed to see the fun parts of Sirius, and he didn't like it. His Mum had always told him that best friends told each other everything. And that's what had happened for years of their lives, then year 11 came round with a punch to the gut and suddenly Sirius wasn’t Sirius anymore, he was a mask. He wished they could be 11 again, where everyone in school seemed so big and work was so easy and laughing was the easiest and biggest thing of all. Him and Sirius were on top of the world.
Now they were 16/17 and their world was slowly tumbling down around them, he wasn’t happy about it at all. Sirius was locked away in his mind prison and had been there for nearly a year, guarded by soul sucking creatures that wouldn’t let you near him.
Maybe it's his Mum and Dad finally getting to him, James thought as they got on the tube, They’ve finally got him.