REMUS
“Poor you”
Dorcas handed the cigarette back to Remus, who brought it up to his lips, lazily inhaling and savouring the smoke in his mouth, before blowing it out again.
Remus had always come to school early, it was either get there ridiculously early or ridiculously late, so he had opted for option one. That, in fact, was how he had met Dorcas, and ever since then they had become close friends.
“I just want him to talk to me, you know? Not just pretend I have some sort of infection.” He moaned, leaning back against the brick wall, kicking a pebble around between his feet.
“I hate to break it to you Remus” Dorcas said, giving him a significant look, “But Sirius is definitely straight, he probably thought you were Mary or something”
"Do i look like Mary to you?"
"No" Laughed Dorcas, "But Sirius will kiss anyone, you know that. It's only December and he's already had 4 girlfriends- And if rumours are right hes hooked up with at least 8."
"Remus didn't respond- He knew all this was correct... And yet he couldn't bring himself to admit it. Sirius likely hadn't kissed him because i was him,he had probably kissed him because he was a person he could kiss. Simple as that. Nothing special, nothing personal, just Sirius and his inability to keep it in his pants.
Dorcas seemed to notice his mood, because they put a hand on his arm, "Remus" They said softly, "I know it's difficult... But it's Sirius we're talking about here."
"I know..." he said as the bell went, French first, with Sirius. Dorcas stood up with him, looking at him with pity.
"Good luck." They said, and Remus could feel dread beginning to set in.
He waved goodbye to Dorcas, and quickly walked over to his French class (luckily on the bottom floor) and walked in with the rest of the students.
He wondered if Sirius would sit next to him in class like he usually did, he had managed to persuade Madam Monet to change the seating plan once, Remus was sure Sirius could do it again.
He waited, head in hand, watching out the window as late comers rushed past to enter the school building, until eventually the chair beside him scraped back and Sirius sat down, looking anxious.
“Remus.” he said, an edge to his voice as Remus turned to look at the boy, who was tapping his foot nervously up and down
“Yeah?”
“Um..” Sirius cleared his throat, “Um… At lunch, are you going to the common room?”
Oh.
“Probably” Remus said, he tried with everything he was worth to sound casual. To sound like he didn't care, that he wouldn't go home and replay and over-analyse this entire conversation to try to make some sense of the situation.
“Ok. I just…. I really think maybe we should like, er, talk? If that's alright with you”
Remus blinked in confusion. Sirius did not ask to talk, he demanded it, and Remus was scared by this new tone.
“Ok”
“Cool”
They faded back into silence as the lesson began, but all Remus could think about was Sirius, imagining what he would say, hoping and praying he wouldn’t say what Remus expected him too.
He practically ran to the library, dodging around tiny year sevens bustling past him. He entered the sixth form common room and sat on his favourite table by the window. He could see Sirius approaching the door, and he quickly grabbed his book, pretending he had been there for ages and hadn't sprinted there as quickly as he could. Sirius came and sat across from him, slightly out of breath from coming from his PE lesson.
“Hi Remus, um, thanks for coming.” Sirius said nervously, fiddling with his thumbs, it almost put Remus at ease.
“I was going to be here anyways.”
“Oh- uh- yes of course anyways…” He trailed off, looking uncomfortable, glancing up at the clock just visible behind the bookshelf besides them.
“Look what i wanted to say was that i think we should just pretend the kiss never happened, i'm just not gay and-” he began, but got cut off by James and Lily, who strolled up to them.
“Hey guys” James beamed, “Good to see you talking again”
“I'm sorry to interrupt, i was coming up to revise with Remus and he refused to leave me alone” Lily motioned with faux annoyance at James who looked at her with that look he only had for Lily. Remus desperately wished someone would look at him that way.
“You love it really” James teased, and Lily rolled her eyes with a smile on her face.
“I really don't”
They continued 'fighting' as they sat down, leaving Remus and Sirius suspended in what had just come out of Sirius’ mouth.
Remus had, of course, seen this coming, and as horrible as it was, he shouldn’t have expected anything more, not from Sirius, but, as Sirius excused himself and left, Remus couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if Sirius had asked him to be his boyfriend, would they hold hands under the desk and write each other cute little notes? Remus couldn’t imagine him doing either of those things.
Why him?
Why did these things always happen to him ?
“I really do feel sorry for you Remus, he's such a dick”
It was the next morning. Remus and Dorcas were in their normal spot round the back of the school, sitting against the cold brick wall with their coats pulled up high and gloves on. Dorcas had just fished out their emergency pack of cigarettes and put one into their mouth, passing Remus one. “Wow, a whole one, are you feeling ok?”
Dorcas rolled their eyes, “Shut up, you need it ok?”
“Fair enough, here light it for me will you?” he leant his head close to their hands as they held the flame to the end of the cigarette.
“Cheers,” Remus mumbled, inhaling deeply. Dorcas was right, he really did need it. “I just don't know what to do,” he said, agitated. He had spent the whole night up thinking about what to do, much to the concern of his mum, who was scared he had gotten sick, (he assured her he was fine, even if he did want to lie to miss school, she couldn't miss work, and he would never do that to her).
“Get a girlfriend or boyfriend, make him jealous, maybe he’ll realise he's gay.”
“Shut up” he retorted, shoving them playfully with his shoulder, a smile on his face as he did.
“I'm serious though, i think it would be a good idea”
“It would just make things messy, what happens if my hypothetical fake date actually liked me, then what? I have to break their heart? No thanks”
“Well i think it would be good for you”
“Yeah, but you’re, like, crazy so….”
“Look, i talked to Marlene and she said that Sirius said he wasn’t gay, so i'm pretty sure its not going to happen”
Remus didn't say anything, and looked at the ground instead.
In actual fact, Remus had had a crush on Sirius since year 9, when he had tugged a piece of Remus’ hair playfully, turning Remus bright red and left him reliving that single moment for weeks. So when Sirius had kissed him, suddenly there was hope, real hope that maybe Sirius Black wasn’t straight, maybe he really was gay, maybe he really did like Remus.
And then he was asked to pretend like nothing happened.
“Look, I know you like him,” Dorcas said softly, “But Remus, there's no point in waiting around.”
“Maybe I want to wait around,” he said sulkily, pulling his knees up to his chest, “it's not like i haven't been doing it for three years”
He knew Dorcas was staring at him, and eventually they removed the quickly disappearing fag from Remus’ fingers and stubbed it out, along with their own.
“I want you to meet someone” They said, standing up.
“Please don't set me up with anyone Dorcas, please, i can't do that to someone-”
“I'm not trying to. I just want you to meet him ok? He's really nice, I think you two would be good friends.”
They stretched out their hand, and Remus, after a moment's hesitation, took it and let himself be dragged up.
“How do you know him?” Remus asked as they walked, (heading towards the art corridor, he noticed.)
“We have art together” there you go Remus thought smugly “he's really cool, but i don't think he has any friends apart from me and his twin sister, who's really smart by the way, you would like her.”
Dorcas opened the door to AR2, the nicer art classroom (from what Remus could remember from when it was compulsory).
The room was quiet, with the lights turned off and the blinds pulled up, letting in a soft morning light. The room smelt of paint and dust and Remus found that it was in fact, incredibly pleasant.
The classroom was empty except a boy sitting at the raised desk at the back on a stool, with a canvas in front of him, just barely hiding his face. He shifted when they came in, his face getting caught in one of the shafts of light.
He was very pretty, Remus thought decidedly, golden curls hanging sweetly off his face, more honey-like than Peters (which was more of a dirty blonde and straight), and his school jumper (remus couldn’t spot a blazer, and he guessed he was one of those crazy people who risked detention for comfort, the jumper was slightly big on his and had paint on it, which somehow looked slightly endearing with the sleeves rolled up.
“Hi Dorcas” The boy said, and Remus started.
“You’re welsh” he said stupidly, making the other boy laugh.
“Yeah, how’d you guess?”
“Um… er your accent?”
“Remus is Welsh too” Dorcas said as they went over to him and sat down, quickly followed by an embarrassed Remus.
“Is he really?” Said the boy, smiling in a teasing way, a dimple appearing on his right cheek (though, Remus noticed, not on his left)
“Um yeah, I moved here when i was 7, so i don't really have an accent anymore, my Mum does though”
“Cool, I'm Edgar, by the way, or Ed, it doesn’t really matter.”
“I'm Remus”
Edgar's smile softened out slightly, “It's nice to meet you”
Dorcas cleared their throat and leaned over to see what Edgar was painting, “Who are they?”
Remus leaned over too, looking at the painting too, it wasn’t finished yet, but seemed very nearly done, the people were, anyways.
It was a painting of three people, (Edgar being one of them) Sitting on the ground behind a campfire, talking. It seemed to be night, so the fire glowed off of their faces.
It was amazing.
Remus reiterated this to the artist who only shrugged, abashed. “It's ok, not my best.”
They talked for a little longer before the bell went, and the three of them left the classroom, splitting up at the end of the hall.
At lunch Remus decided he couldn’t face Lily and James (and probably Sirius) in the sixth form block, so instead he walked sullenly around the school, looking for his new friend.
Eventually he found his target on a bench outside, sitting across from a girl who looked very different from Edgar, but was surely his sister.
Unlike her brother she had dark brown hair that was cropped just below her chin, and was so choppy it must have been done by her. Her eyes were a sharp grey, that seemed to pierce you, and her features were as sharp as her eyes.
They were sitting across from one another, The girl buried in a small, old looking novel. Edgar had a sketchbook in front of him, and seemed to be sketching her.
He walked over, and timidly stood between them. “Hi” he said, “I'm sorry but would you mind if i sat with you?”
Edgar looked up at him, surprised, but from the look on his face, not surprised in a bad way. “Of course” he said warmly, shifting up so Remus could sit down.
“Um, this is my sister Amelia.”
Amelia lifted her hand, which Remus took and shook, “Im Remus”
“I know,” she said, looking at him as if judging him, before giving Edgar a nod.
“Um.. What are you reading?” he asked, trying to break the ice.
“The bell jar”
“Oh!” Remus said, relieved that it was one he himself had read, “That's a good book.”
She looked at him again, then she picked up her book and marched off in the direction of the building.
Remus sat there, confused, “Did i- did i say something or…?”
“Nah” Edgar said, flipping a page over in his sketchbook and gesturing for Remus to sit across from him, which he quickly did, “She just feels intimidated by you, that's why she walked away to see if I would follow her or not.”
“Are you going to?”
“Nope” he replied, and he began to draw.
Remus shifted, uncomfortable again, he wondered what the sketch would look like, should he stay still? Talk? Could he even blink? Well he knew he could blink , but still, the stakes were high.
Lunch passed quietly, a few words passed between them, and at the end of it Edgar slid the drawing across the table to Remus, “You were a very good muse, we should do this again sometimes.” Then he walked off, leaving Remus staring down at the picture slightly alarmed, and slightly amazed at how well done it was.
Oh god he thought im so fucking gay