SIRIUS
Sirius had never had problems with love before.
He knew when his time came, he would fall in love with a nice girl and settle down, just like his Mum wanted. A nice girl. Sometimes he caught himself thinking too long of that future; The nice airy house somewhere in the south of France, the dogs, the children- It was nice. Perhaps it was too nice. His life was already planned- Likely had been since before he was even conceived- He was the first born, descended from royalty- He had noble blood in him. He was the heir to the noble house of black- And he wore this honour with disdain.
Remus flicked through the philosophy textbook, his calloused fingers gliding along each line as he read, eyes squinted in total concentration. Sirius' geography textbook lay open in front of him, untouched. The library had a soulless, flat atmosphere that day, the people dreary and tired- Cold cups of coffee sat like an accessory besides each student as they typed on laptops or took notes- The only sound the incessant tapping of keyboards and the leak of music from headphones. The silence hung so heavily that even the ticking of the clock could be heard as it dragged from second to second, closely accompanied by Sirius' eyes, as he begged the hands to turn faster.
“Sirius” Remus murmured, and Sirius pulled his eyes away from the clock to find Remus staring at him intently from across the table.
“Mhm” he responded, his eyes beginning to drift back to the clock, it was hypnotic, he could stare at it for hours.
“Sirius" Remus repeated, sharply, and Sirius reluctantly returned his attention to Remus, who had a sour look on his face, "Are you going to do your work or not?"
Sirius shrugged, "It's too quiet in here" he said, clearly too loudly as several heads turned to glare a him, and he ducked his face in embarrassment causing Remus to smirk. Sirius groaned, rocking back in his seat. Causing Remus to look up again. “What, Sirius?” Remus whispered. Sirius shrugged again, smiling at the girl at the table besides theirs, who rolled her eyes at him- Humbled, he sat straight in his chair, looking intently at his friend,"I can't." he said, and Remus pulled a frustrated face.
"You can't what?"
"Concentrate. I can't concentrate here." he whispered, and Remus sighed, drumming his finger's on the table in thought. Eventually he raised his eyebrows,
"Want to revise at mine instead?"
Sirius perked up, he was rarely invited to Remus' house. Remus had a record player, and Bowie Posters. Remus could play music as loud as he wanted and never got slapped for it. Sirius loved Remus' house.
They walked to the bus stop in silence, that was one of the best things about him, you could not talk and it wouldn’t be weird, not in the slightest.
They leaned against the bus shelter, and Remus fished into his bag for his earphones and phone. As he did Sirius stared up at the sky, it was getting dark now, and the dusty sky was clear of clouds, the rare stars you could actually see in the city on display, with the occasional interference of a plane.
Sirius wondered what the people in the planes saw as they flew past, maybe they could see him. He wondered (if they could see him) what they thought of Sirius, what they thought of Remus besides him, what they thought about those two teenage boys standing shoulder to shoulder at a bus stop, and what they thought their lives were like.
The bus pulled up, It was empty except for two girls in the corner on their phones. They sat near the front and Remus offered Sirius an earbud, they watched the suburbs roll past and listened to Remus’ current favourite songs. Remus’ favourite songs were always a good way to see how he was feeling, to check in on him, Remus’ taste in music always seemed to reflect how he felt at the time, luckily, most of the songs were relatively upbeat, perhaps slightly nostalgic and melancholy, but luckily not too severely depressing- Which was always nice.
Eventually they got to Remus’ house, a small place that to someone like Sirius, who had grown up in a large, miserable home, felt like the perfect size. Remus let himself into the house and Sirius couldn't help but smile at the little wolf keyring on his keys, his birthday present from him the previous year, as much as Remus pretended otherwise, he did care, and Sirius knew it. They entered the house, and Remus threw his keys into a little dish by the front door before calling out for his Mum.
Sirius had always liked Hope. She was a petite woman (Remus had always towered over her, yet she still seemed to hold much more authority than him), with greying blonde hair and a pair sparky hazel eyes like her sons. After Remus’ dad had left she had moved down to London from Wales, and after 8 years of living here, her welsh accent had softened out. Sometimes Sirius thought about how Remus would have sounded if he had stayed in Wales, what he would sound like with a Welsh accent rather than a London one. He simply couldn’t picture it.
“Hey Mum, me and Sirius are going to study upstairs, is that alright?”
“Of course, is Sirius going to stay for dinner?”
Remus turned back to him “Do you want to stay for dinner?”
Luckily, on that particular day, his parents weren’t home, they had a fancy meeting in Paris and were staying overnight there, and of course Regulus was away at boarding school, so he had the whole house to himself. His parents had left him with a note reading:
Sirius, Father and I will be gone tonight, eat out or heat up the food in the fridge, either way it doesn't matter. Do what you please, as long as everything is in order for Katrina tomorrow (Katrina was the Blacks cleaner, who came every day to clean and cook)
- Mum
“Yeah sure. Thankyou”
“No problem honey, you two have fun”
Sirius and Remus walked into Remus’ bedroom, and Sirius looked around, it had been over a year since he’d last been here.
Nothing much had changed really, some more posters on the wall, books spilling onto the floor, more records on his shelf (Sirius wasn’t allowed a record player, so it was always a treat to use Remus’).
Remus sat on his bed, pulling out his revision notes as Sirius wandered over to his record collection.
“Hey Moony…”
“What”
“Can I play a record? Please?”
“Oh” Remus said, looking up “Yeah of course, just not too loud ok?”
“Ok”
Sirius flicked through the records before selecting a random album he had never heard of, but with an appealing cover, and held it up for Remus’ inspection.
Remus nodded, “Yeah that’s a good one”
He carefully set down the record and the music began to play, he recognised it from one of the ones on Moony’s playlist, one he had particularly liked, and so, with a smile, drifted over to Remus’ bed happy with his choice of music.
He positioned himself on the single bed, back against the wall and head turned sideways to watch Remus flick through the revision book.
With a pang Sirius thought about how nice Moony looked. His hair falling over his face slightly, the scar that Sirius knew wrapped around Remus like a snake just peeking out over his collar.
Remus was beautiful.
That terrified Sirius, he had never thought about that before, he had never considered Remus’ beauty before, but it was true, and Sirius wasn’t sure what to do with himself now he knew it.
Remus looked up, looking slightly concerned, his eyebrows creasing down on his head that made Sirius feel fuzzy.
He realised, with some sort of horror, that they were close, so close that they were practically nose to nose.
Then everything slowed down.
He felt his body move forwards on some instinct, closing the gap between them until their lips met and Sirius was kissing him.
Sirius was kissing Remus.
Oh god.
It felt so easy, so right, not like all those times with Marlene way back in year 9, where it was stiff and awkward and he always wished he hadn’t done it afterwards.
This felt good, scarily good.
Sirius was kissing Remus .
Oh God .
What was he doing ?
Sirius jumped back, eyes wide, horrified. That was it, he had ruined any sort of friendship he had built up with Remus because he was stupid , he was impulsive and horrible and a bad friend and he really, really shouldn’t have done that.
Remus gaped slightly, and Sirius knew it was over, he would have to tell Hope he was sick, no, he would tell her his Mother had summoned him, that was far more believable right? He would do that and then apologise to Moony, he would say it was an accident, he had looked like a girl Sirius liked? No, that was rude, and weird. He would just say sorry, then wait. He would wait alone in a big, cold, lonely house for Remus’ answer and-
“Well don't stop you twat”
And suddenly Remus’ hand was on the back of Sirius’ neck, and his lips on his again, and Sirius fell back into the magic of Remus.
Dinner was, in all honesty, slightly awkward.
Sirius made small talk with Hope as he ate his bowl of pasta, telling her about school, and asking about work. He listened to Hope and Remus talk and tried not to think about what had happened before dinner.
After he had helped clear up he thanked her for dinner and said goodbye to Remus (while avoiding eye contact, because for some reason that felt too…. much) and took the bus home, feeling lonely now that Remus wasn't besides him, sharing his music.
That night, Sirius lay in his dark room, in his house too big for a family like his.
He gazed up at the ceiling, and thought about the wonder that was Remus Lupin.
Peter sat next to Sirius in Geography, and pulled out a flask of what appeared to be coffee. His hair was tussled, his tie slightly askew and eyebags that could win a world record.
“Alright Peter?” Sirius asked jokingly, “How's the head?”
“Shit” he mumbled back, pulling out his maths book.
“Wrong book Peter”
Peter glared down at the book for a while, as if the book was some root of evil, before stuffing it back into his bag and standing back up, “Im going home” he muttered, walking up to the front of the classroom.
Mr Kettleburn took one look at him and Peter was sent out of the classroom, after smirking at Sirius, obviously.
At break, after Sirius had got food, he searched around the cafeteria for his friends, only to spot one of them sitting in their usual seats.
Remus sat alone, reading, and Sirius felt his stomach flip.
Oh god he thought, what the fuck am i going to do???!!!
He cautiously made his way over there, sitting down across from Remus and opening his sandwich.
He could feel Remus’ eyes on him, and went stiff.
“Hello Sirius”
Sirius kept his eyes down, he wasn’t really sure what would happen if he looked up, and he didn't want to know.
“Hello”
He picked up his first sandwich, took a bite and cringed.
School food was always a 50/50, and today proved it.
He dumped the gross sandwich half back into the packet, and risked a glance up at Remus.
He was staring at his book again, but Sirius could tell he wasn’t reading it, just staring tormentadly at the page, and he felt horrible, horrible he had caused Remus this pain, he should have just eaten his stupid fucking sandwich in the fucking bathroom.
Eventually James arrived, sitting down at their table 5 minutes before the bell.
“I have got an announcement” he said haughtily, combing his hand through his hair before pausing, confused, “Wait… Where's Pete?”
“Hungover, went home”
James snorted, “I'm not surprised, honestly, you should have seen him last night, drinking like a madman he was, i think at one point he and Mary had a competition for who could drink the most vodka in 1 minute”
“Who won?” Sirius asked, trying to picture Peter and Mary partaking in such activities.
“Mary, obviously…. Look anyways, this is very important, more important than the Queen dying”
“But the queen isn't dead”
“Yes Sirius i know that, i mean that if the Queen did die, it would be far more important than that-”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Unfortunately not, sorry Sirius, that’s something only Marlene could ever do-”
“Shes a lesbian James you know that”
“ Yes but we’re very inclusive at this table.. If a lesbian wants to fuck Sirius then-”
“Get to the point” Remus snapped, and Sirius felt his heart drop. Remus was angry, angry at him no doubt. This was far from how he had wanted this to go.
“I have decided… That me and Lily should just be friends.”
Silence.
Remus’ face was contorted into something between horror and deep concern, and Sirius could only imagine the state of his own.
“You're right ” he whispered to himself, astounded, “this is more important than the queen dying ”
“James…” Remus began “Look James, if you ever need anyone to talk to-”
“James i think you should go to sickbay-”
“Shut up ” James said, grinning ear to ear, “I'm not sick, look its for the best”
“Prongs… I'm so proud of you mate”
“Oh shut up Padfoot”
They were all laughing, and in that moment Sirius found himself catching Remus’ eye. Remus’ smile faded, and realising what he’d done, Sirius dropped his eyes back, and the laughter faded out.
“What?” James asked obliviously, “What's wrong?”
“Uh… nothing” Remus responded, standing “I'm going to head off to philosophy anyways, and i’ll probably be at the library lunch and my free period so… Um… see you later.”
He hesitated for a second, before turning around and walking out the cafeteria, leaving Sirius to gaze after him, wishing he hadn’t kissed him, and wishing he knew how to deal with kissing him.
“Did you two have an argument?” James asked, his voice tinged with confusion.
“Something like that” Sirius muttered, chucking away his sandwich and standing up “Let's go then, huh?”
He watched his best friend stand up, and wondered what James would do in his position, how would he handle it? Would he apologise? Try to make things right? Sirius didn’t know (even though he wished he did) so instead he tried to forget about it, maybe that was all he could do.
Regulus had been suspended.
Sirius couldn’t say he wasn’t surprised, all you had to do was blink wrongly at that stuffy boarding school his parents had sent Regulus to (Sirius had point blank refused to go, even going as far as to threaten running away, until his parents had let him go to the grammar school up the road), so even though his parents were outraged by these events, Sirius stayed unfazed, awaiting his brothers return.
Regulus and Sirius had always been close as children, before Regulus left. They were only 9 months (god his Mother was a psycho) apart after all, so the age gap hardly felt important at all, sometimes Sirius had even pretended they were twins, Sirius and Regulus, it was them against the world.
Regulus was a push over though. Sirius knew Regulus hated that stupid school, but he never did anything about it.
Well, until now, apparently.
Sirius sat besides Regulus in the car as they drove home, listening to his parents lecture Regulus boredly.
“ Punching Regulus really ? We expected better of you, maybe Sirius would punch another boy, but you ?”
“Unprovoked as well.”
“I'm very disappointed in you, very, very disappointed.”
“Your Mother and I shall have to think of a suitable punishment because I have to say this is……..”
Sirius drowned them out, focusing on his brother instead. He hadn’t seen Regulus in awhile, he always made a point in avoiding home, staying at friends when he could, only coming home for the first week in the summer holidays before he was off on a glamping trip with his friend Evan Rosier, and then staying at the Crouches summer home in France (“they need a translator…. No Mum it’s fine, they invited me ”)
At (only just) 16 his brother was now the same height as (very nearly 17) 16 year old Sirius. His face was slightly more shaped, and his hair slightly longer than it was the last Sirius saw it.
Believe it or not, Regulus was starting to look quite like Sirius, but also nothing like him. Strange he thought strange how that happens .
He blinked and realised Regulus was staring right back at him, and he felt a strange shiver run down his spine. His brother's steady stare was cold and brittle, like their mother's when angry, not the eyes of his brother. His brother- The Regulus Sirius had known was indistingiushable against this new Regulus. Sirius' Regulus cried when the cat bought in a dead bird or mouse, "Bad kreacher" he would say through tears, "why did you kill it? Little birdy, little poor birdy". Sirius' Regulus danced around and looked up at Sirius with those wide puppy dog eyes. Now his Mother's Regulus sat before him, made of stone.
Sirius knocked on Regulus’ door.
He opened it softly, “Dinners ready.”
Regulus was sitting crossed legged on his bed, his sketchbook on his lap.
Sirius rarely came into Regulus’ room, but it looked the same as it always did, plus the suitcases he had brought back with him, still unpacked.
“Tell them I'm not hungry” Regulus replied in monotone. His Mother's voice.
Sirius didn't move, or speak. He could feel the question burning in his throat, creeping onto his tongue and around his teeth, and if he even dared to open his mouth, he knew it would fly out before he could stop it.
Regulus eventually looked up and met his eyes.
“What?”
Sirius cleared his throat uncomfortably, “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure”
“Why did you punch that boy?”
He watched Regulus smirk, an expression that, Sirius decided, didn’t much suit him.
“Ah… The million pound question”
When Sirius didn’t respond, Regulus sighed, rubbing his eyes, “You really want to know?”
“Yes.”
Regulus looked up, making direct eye contact with Sirius, holding his stare.
“He called me a faggot”
Sirius felt all the blood drain from his face. The old sense of protection rushing back to him, and horror, disgust. Oh god had someone actually called him that?
After a second, minute, hour (Sirius really couldn’t tell) of silence, Sirius fel himself nod, “I’ll tell them you weren’t feeling well” and turned, shutting the door behind him.
That night he couldn’t sleep.
He imagined his brother on the other side of the wall, turning around in bed just as he was.
Why had someone called Regulus that? Was there truth behind the name, or was it a rumour, or just an insult, a horrific insult someone had thought was funny.
He sat up, more tired now than he had been when he had first shut his eyes to sleep, and found his phone on the floor beside him.
He had to tell someone, talk to someone, not just about Regulus, but about everything.
He scrolled through his contact until he got to Marlene.
ME
hey, can we talk?
It took a few minutes until Marlene responded.
MARS
Call?
ME
Sure one sec
Sirius looked around for his headphones, before pulling them all and crawling under the duvet of his bed, leaving a breathing gap so he didn’t suffocate.
He picked up when she called, she sounded groggy, and annoyed.
“You woke me up” she mumbled
“Sorry, I didn't know who else to talk to”
“At 1 in the morning?”
“Precisely”
She sighed, “Whats up then”
“I dont know, lots.”
“What happened first then”
“Ok… dont freak out”
“ Sirius ”
“I kissed Remus…”
“Haha, very funny”
“I'm not kidding”
“Wait for real?”
“Mhm”
“ Holy shit ”
“I dont know what to do Marlene im freaking the fuck out! Im not gay! What am i supposed to fucking do!”
“Oh god poor Remus”
“Poor me ”
“…”
“Marlene…. what ”
“Have you talked to him yet…”
“No, it's been really awkward.”
“I think you should, tomorrow, ask to talk to him at lunch or something”
“Maybe… Maybe you're right. By the way, guess whos back in town?”
“Your mum”
“Haha no”
“Who then?”
“Regulus”
“.... why ?”
“Punched a guy for calling him a faggot”
“Holy shit”
“Yeah”
“Thats so fucked up oh my god”
“I know….. I mean… Marlene…”
“What?”
“...You’ve never had to deal with that kind of stuff have you?”
“No, not really… Maybe at the beginning, but I always put them in their place… I think Dorcas does though… I don't know…”
“oh...."
“Great, so thanks for waking me up for that. I'm going back to sleep now okay? See you tomorrow”
“Bye Marlene”
“Bye bye Sirius”
She declined, and Sirius fell asleep thinking about their conversation over and over again.