Chapter 15
//cw: mentions of suicide, death//
carefully pulling james after him, regulus stood up. he adjusted his grip around the chaser, lowering his hand to securely hold james’ waist and lead him back towards the castle.
“wait here a moment, okay?” regulus told the older boy softly as he bent down to retrieve the dropped wands.
james tilted his head as he watched regulus’ swift movements before stumbling forward, his hand reaching for the slytherin.
“YOU FUCKING CURSED ME” james burst out, making regulus jump.
he lunged forward, knocking into regulus as he reached for his wand. regulus audibly gasped, a sense of fear detectable in the shape inhalation. it made james stop, his grip loosening around the handle of his wand. he followed it to the ground, collapsing near regulus’ feet.
“i’m sorry” he breathed out in between sobs. “i-i didn’t mean t-”
“i know” regulus whispered, moving closer to the boy on the floor.
he extended his hand again, wincing slightly as james gripped it tightly. with his spare hand he put both wands into his pocket before leading the way towards the stairs. the rain was still relentless, instantly drenching the two of them.
james slipped on the bottom step, prompting further tears. the letter in his hand became a soggy mess, disintegrating in his fist as he clutched it like a lifeline. stood in front of him, looking down at him with his lips forming the saddest twinge of a smile was regulus, who knelt down slowly to gently brush away the combined tears and rain with his thumb.
“let’s go inside, james” regulus implored. “please?”
james stood up, water dripping down the length of his neck. he let regulus open the door, not fully concentrating on where he was being guided. he stopped, holding regulus back when he saw where he was. the fat lady looked down at the way the water was running off his clothes and creating a puddle on the floor disapprovingly.
“i don’t want to go in there” james whispered with tears in his eyes. “i want to go home.”
regulus paused, still holding james’ hand.
“i know” regulus mumbled, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss onto james’ cheek.
“can we go up to the roof?” james asked.
“err i don’t think that’s a good idea” regulus said slowly.
“i promise i won’t jump” james said, lifting his head to reveal a weak smile.
“do you want anything first?”
james shook his head but tightened his grip around regulus’ hand. the trapdoor at the end of the corridor was closed but the ladder had been left down. james climbed it quickly, pushing the door above him open, flinging the trapdoor to the side. the metal of the ladder quickly became slippery as regulus started his own ascent.
he stopped on the top rung, watching as james lay back on the wet tiles, staring up at the dark sky. the clouds were beginning to disperse, the scattering of stars now visible.
“I CAN’T FIND YOU” james shouted in frustration, not taking his eyes off the sky. “i’ve lost you.”
“hey” regulus said softly, sitting down next to james. “i’m right here, see?”
james tilted his head, following the tip of regulus’ finger carefully. he let his head fall against regulus’ shoulder, his eyes closing as he felt regulus put an arm around him. regulus’ fingers moved easily through the dark tufts of james’ hair.
he smiled softly to himself once he felt james’ breathing find a regular pattern - in time with the movements of his hand through his hair. he looked up at the sky, identifying himself in the darkness; identifying himself for the first time as a spot of light in the darkness.
“hey” james said, waking up when he felt regulus’ movements stop. “i’m kind of hungry.”
“yeah? you want to go down to the kitchens?”
“do you think the elves will let me have waffles?”
“i’m sure they will” regulus told him, leading the way back along the tiles.
james smiled sheepishly before jumping back down through the hole in the roof. regulus used the ladder, immediately retaking his boyfriend’s hand when he got back into the castle.
“can we just stop and get a new jumper first?” james asked, slowly down as they approached the entrance to the gryffindor common room.
“mhmm.”
james crossed the common room quickly, only stopping as he waited for a response after knocking at the dormitory door. a muffled “yes” made him roll his eyes as he pictured the frantic pulling on of jumpers that was happening inside. he pushed the door open, a slight smile at his lips when he saw sirius had one of remus’ sweaters on backwards.
“regulus was looking for you. where were you at dinner?”
“i’m going to get dinner with him now” james said as he yanked a much drier jumper over his head. he placed the damp parchment on his bedside table, ink stains on his hands, before turning back to face his best friend.
“he’s dead.”
“i’m so sorry, prongs” remus said as sirius let out a restricted sob.
“i’ll see you in a bit” james said quietly, watching as remus reached out towards sirius whose leg was shaking uncontrollably at the end of the bed.
“i told them” james said to regulus as they made their way down to the kitchens. “sirius cried” he finished flatly.
“well, he was more of a dad to him in one year than our father was to him in sixteen.”
stopping briefly to tickle the pear, james potter took the steps down to the kitchen two at a time, pausing at the bottom to let regulus catch up. as soon as he pushed the door open, a warm smell of chocolate greeted him.
“can i have some of whatever it is you’re cooking?” james asked, tentatively stepping into the room.
the nearest elf nodded, grabbing a bowl and two spoons. james smiled at regulus before helping himself to the bowl of chocolate cake that had been placed between them.
“what do i do now?”
“what do you want to do?” regulus asked after swallowing his mouthful of cake.
“i want to go home” james repeated. “and i want my dad.”
regulus’ eyebrows met briefly. he leant forward, taking james’ hand in his own. james smiled half-heartedly, drawing in a deep breath in an attempt to control the tears threatening to spill.
“i know but for now do you just want to go to bed? maybe in the morning mcgonagall will let you go?”
james nodded, slowly getting to his feet.
“will you stay with me?”
“of course” regulus said, intertwining their fingers. “thank you for the cake” he added as he passed the elves on the way out.
the common room was dark when the portrait creaked open, a single blonde head turning tiredly in an armchair at the noise. regulus smiled at her somewhat awkwardly as she stared at the green and silver tie around his neck. james tugged at his hand impatiently, increasing their pace up the stone steps.
james entered the dorm first, silently pulling regulus after him as five heads turned to look at him. he smiled at them before moving to pull the curtains around his fourposter. regulus silently crossed the room to the bathroom, emerging only a couple of minutes later in james’ numbered quidditch jumper. james looked at him softly, only turning away when he saw alice stop next to him on her way back to her own dorm.
she opened her arms silently, letting him take his time before he moved towards her. her head rested against his chest and she stood up on her tiptoes to press a gentle kiss against his cheek. he blushed faintly, subconsciously raising a single finger to run it over the place where her lips had lingered. he drew the curtains and threw himself onto his bed where regulus was already lying, his head landing on regulus’ stomach, who instantly began running his fingers through his hair.
“he’s been weirdly quiet” sirius muttered to remus who had put his book down the moment james had reentered the dorm.
“muffliato” remus muttered, briefly grabbing his wand from the bedside table. “he’ll talk when he’s ready.”
“remus,” sirius began, not missing the way remus adjusted himself to look down at his face better, “can i tell you something?”
“always, love.”
“i’m scared. i don’t want anymore people to die and i don’t want anymore people to hurt, or be in pain. and i know it’s just the beginning of the war but i’m scared. i’m scared about what all that pain will do - especially to good people; people like james. what if something happens to him? what if the grief changes him? what i-”
“you know i hate interrupting you, but take a breath. yes, the war is already here but so are we, right? we’re here and so is james and he’s a good person. don’t doubt seven years of friendship now - we can’t afford it.”
“how do you always know what to say?” sirius asked quietly. “i mean, don’t get me wrong i love you for it, and i love james too but still it’s hard, you know? and we have exams soon that i should probably start revising for. there’s just so much going on.”
“st-start revising? you haven’t started yet? our first paper is in less than a week” remus said in disbelief.
“yeah yeah not the point” sirius said with a wave of his hand. “anyway” he said through a yawn, “bed?”
remus pressed a kiss onto the dark head below him, his lips tilted upwards in a gentle smile. sirius closed his eyes at the contact, shimmying down against remus’ warm body to arrange himself more comfortably.
“i love you” sirius whispered as remus turned the light off.
“i love you too.”