Chapter 16
//cw: talk of grief, death//
the following morning james was the last person to wake. he’d merely groaned slightly and rolled over without opening his eyes when regulus extracted himself from the single bed they were sharing, his closed eyelids fluttering when a soft kiss was pressed into his forehead.
“james?” sirius asked, hovering by his brother’s side, “you coming to breakfast?”
grabbing his pillow from underneath him, james held it over his face, muffling his voice.
“i don’t want to leave my bed.”
“okay i’ll let mcgonagall know” sirius assured him.
sirius turned and headed for the door, stopping in surprise when he saw euphemia stood in the doorway. she smiled, greeting him quietly before closing the door after him and perching on the end of her son’s bed.
“go away” james said from behind his pillow. “i don’t want breakfast.”
“yes, i heard” euphemia said, watching amusedly as james sat up, the pillow that had been resting on his face sent flying to the floor as he recognised the voice. he reached out blindly for his glasses, shoving them up his nose as he blinked, his dark eyes glowing in the sunlight.
“amma?”
james untangled his limbs from beneath the duvet, scooching down the mattress and barely giving her time to open her arms. he gripped her tightly, his nails digging into her sides as he refused to let her go.
“come now, kannu, it’s all okay.”
james potter lifted his head from his mother’s chest slowly, sniffling as he did so.
“how?” he asked simply. “how the fuck is this okay?”
“language! and i know it hurts okay, but he’s safe now. he’s not in pain anymore.”
“feels like his pain as just been transferred to me.”
“everyone grieving for him is experiencing a transfer of the pain he was in. think about how much pain that means his single body was going through. he’s okay now.”
“what do i do now?” james mumbled into the material of euphemia’s coat.
“you still have exams” she said through a heavy breath, “but once school’s finished i think we’ll take him back to india for the final rites.”
james nodded, breathing in the familiar smell of his mother. he retracted his arms, leaning back against the headboard as she stood up.
“i’m sorry i’m not staying longer” she said as she leant down to kiss him, “but if you need me you can always owl.”
james nodded again, sighing as the dormitory door closed behind her. he exhaled before making his way towards the bathroom and turning on the shower, hoping to literally drown his sorrows. after aggressively rubbing a towel over his head for five minutes, james headed down to the common room, interrupting what appeared to be an intense study session.
“you’re freaking out over nothing” dorcas was saying, “the practical is the easiest bit.”
“it’s different for you” lily retorted, sitting up straighter to look dorcas in the eye. “you want to be a healer; the practical is most important to you - i prefer the essays.”
“well that would explain how you get through three times as much parchment and ink as everyone else” mary said, lazily prodding lily’s piles of notes with the tip of her quill.
“i think the whole thing’s pretty easy” sirius said from the sofa. his head was propped up against a collection of cushions, his eyes closed.
“blah blah” alice said with a roll of her eyes. “do you have your runes textbook on you? i can’t be bothered to go upstairs and get it.”
“yeah” sirius said, pulling it out from underneath the blanket. he grinned at her as he read over her notes. “you didn’t conjugate this properly; no wonder you lost a mark.”
“not everyone had latin lessons when they were four, sirius” she snapped, running her finger down the chapter list.
“i didn’t have latin lessons at four” he said indignantly. “i started french at four and latin at six.”
alice merely glared at him, lifting the book higher to hide her growing smile. she peered up over it, her eyes narrowing when she saw james hovering at the bottom of the steps. she laid the book down after carefully folding the top corner.
“you okay?”
james shrugged, not wanting to stop for a conversation. she reached out, gently rubbing his bicep.
“i’m here if you need anything” she told him. “anything.”
james offered her a half smile, his eyes warm when he looked down at her. she smiled back before retaking her seat at the table. james carried on out into the corridor, stuffing his hands into his pockets in an attempt to hide their shaking. remus passed him as he hesitated at the top of a staircase, trays of tea, coffee and pastries floating behind him as he made to enter the common room.
“you alright, prongs?”
james turned to face him, running a hand through his hair before answering the question.
“yeah - i think i’m going to go to the library to work though.”
remus nodded understandingly, a smile tugging at the lips of the scarred face.
“just shout if you want something; or someone.”
it was james’ turn to nod, but remus stepped forward, grabbing his friend’s wrist.
“i mean it; we’re all here for you, okay?”
the physical contact was too much for james and the tears broke free, seemingly never ending as remus adjusted his grip, embracing the chaser fully.
“everything hurts” james whispered. “it’s just so fucking hard. like i can feel my heart physically hurting, remus. i can feel it. and people always be like ‘oh it just makes you stronger’ but i just feel like curling up in a ball and crying because i don’t feel anything near strong.”
james froze in remus’ arms, the tackiness of his tears sticking him to the werewolf’s jumper. a sudden fear washed over him; a feeling of exposure as the words had tumbled from his mouth with no control. he felt remus’ hand on his back rubbing slow, comforting circles and with a concentrated effort, james stood up, looking straight at the caramel-speckled eyes.
“hey” remus said softly, “that’s okay. james, it’s okay that you don’t feel strong right now. you don’t have to feel strong all the time. if you want to curl up in a ball i’m happy to do it with you. if you want to do it alone but just want me to wait for you to finish, i will. whatever it is you’re feeling, it’s okay.”
“i think i’m just going to curl up by myself for now, but i’ll let you know if i want company” james said, forcing out a sharp laugh.
“okay, see you in a bit” remus said, turning back to face the fat lady, the trays following him through the portrait hole.
taking his wand out of his pocket, remus guided the full trays to the table after the girls had cleared a little space. he poured himself a cup of tea before slotting into the space on the sofa that sirius had made. he leant back against sirius, his hands cradling the warm mug.
“do you know where james went?” sirius asked, his pale fingers fiddling with remus’ curls.
remus shrugged loosely: “the library - but he said he wanted to be alone for now.”
sirius lifted a couple of curls up and gently pressed his lips against remus’ forehead, ignoring the blatant eye roll of mary who was sat practically opposite him.
throughout the following week, that wooden table nearest the fireplace was always occupied by a seventh year revising. the night before the charms practical, the common room had purposefully emptied by mcgonagall, giving the students enough space to work. it was coming up to midnight when frank announced he was finally going to go to bed. alice quickly followed him, the other girls heading in the same direction not long after.
sirius had positioned himself on the sofa from about half past nine to watch amusedly as the others continued to practise. when remus’ wrist finally succumbed to cramp at ten to three, sirius stood up, yawning. he held out his hand, massaging remus’ sore, overworked fingers. he smiled softly in the dim light as he slipped under the duvet, watching as remus’ head emerged through the hole in his jumper.
as soon as remus joined him, sirius moved across the mattress, making the gap between their bodies nonexistent.
“you okay?” remus whispered into the darkness.
“mhmm” sirius mumbled, his nose pressed into his boyfriend’s back. “i’m comfortable.”