Chapter 14
//cw: death, suicidal intentions//
“filch had me cleaning the underside of the desks in charms” sirius complained the following morning as he threw himself into remus’ lap. “do you know how much gum is underneath those tables?”
“half of it’s probably yours anyway” remus said, not looking up from his book.
sirius adjusted himself between remus’ outstretched legs, his chin resting on remus’ chest. he pouted, waiting until remus finally put his book down.
“so how was alice?”
“we’re okay but james, remus. i’m worried about him.”
remus’ fingers moved through sirius’ dark hair with ease. he leant forward, planting a kiss on the top of sirius’ head.
“he’ll be okay” remus said in a tone that for the first time made sirius doubt the words that were coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth.
“how can you know?” sirius mumbled.
he looked up, his nose peeking above the back of the sofa. his eyes narrowed as he watched james cross the common room.
“you okay prongs?”
james hesitated, debating whether or not to stop.
“i’m going to post a letter” he said, raising his hand to reveal a thick envelope.
“we have another free after lunch if you want to go flying?”
“yeah” james said weakly. “i- maybe.”
sirius offered a half-smile as the portrait hole closed behind the quidditch captain. in the corridor james fiddled with the envelope, turning it between his fingers as he made his way towards the owlery. with his eyes on the ground, james tripped as a door was opened onto him.
“i’m sorry” james said, as he landed on the floor.
“james?” regulus asked, looking down at the boy in front of him. “where are you going?”
“to send a letter to my dad” james said, gesturing with it. tears built in his eyes as he got to his feet. “will you come with me?”
regulus nodded, taking james’ outstretched hand in his own. james squeezed it as his first tear fell. he sniffed loudly as they made it up to the owlery. a silence had fallen over them since the third floor and regulus broke it once the owl had departed.
james leant back against the stone wall, breathing deeply. regulus moved closer to him, wrapping his arms around james’ waist.
“can i ask you something?” regulus asked, his words getting a little lost in the material of james’ jumper. “what’s going to happen to us once you leave? will you stil-”
“nothing” james assured him, his hand moving to cup regulus’ cheek. “i promise you.”
regulus’ grip around james tightened before he stepped back, moving to lead the way back towards the castle.
“i have a lesson but i’ll see you later, okay?”
james nodded, suddenly feeling empty as he watched regulus make his way down the steps. james slid down the wall he was still leaning against, the stone floor cold through the thin material of his trousers. he brought his knees up under his chin, wrapping his arms around himself tightly as his glasses became foggy as a result of the volume of tears.
the rain had started almost as soon as the owl had left. the open windows of the owlery were being hammered, small droplets catching the edges of broken glass and flicking water onto the room floor. some of the cold drops hit james mingling with his tears.
in their joint free on the other side of the castle lily scrunched up her third roll of parchment and threw it across the table at sirius with surprising accuracy.
“you’re being distracting; get out.”
sirius merely smirked as he tilted further back in his chair.
“i’m not doing anything, evans. just sat here quietly.”
“sirius black you have never ‘just sat quietly’ in your life.”
remus snorted softly, his quill between his teeth.
“hey!” sirius said indignantly, letting his fair fall back to the ground as he stared at his boyfriend. “don’t be mean.”
“i can feel remus’ leg tense every time you touch him so don’t tell me you’re sat there doing nothing.”
remus kept his eyes down, trying to ignore the burning blush that was growing. sirius didn’t say anything but moved his hand further up remus’ thigh forcing the werewolf to hold in a moan. lily rolled her eyes but turned back to her work.
their exams would be starting in less than two weeks and lily had consistently spent the last month staying up beyond midnight, still working to secure the O she needed in transfiguration. after sitting through another painful five minutes, lily put her quill down, staring across the table at remus whose head had fallen against sirius’ shoulder.
remus looked up at her, a small smile at his lips as began to close his books.
“i’m giving up for today” he announced. “but we can still do some charms practical tomorrow if you want?”
“sure” lily said, failing to hide a slight smirk as sirius leapt to his feet. “go have fun.”
sirius grinned as remus took his hand and led him out into the empty corridor.
“i don’t know what you’re expecting, but i’m going to get some lunch” remus told him, watching amusedly as the smile grin physically slid off his boyfriend’s face. “you can come too.”
“yeah i know i can have lunch too” sirius huffed. “but what about i don’t know, pudding?” he added with a wink.
remus rolled his eyes, contemplating sirius’ request.
“only if you don’t come to any more of my study sessions with lily; she’s right - you are a distraction.”
sirius closed his eyes in pleasure.
“my favourite compliment.”
“what are you doing in your next free? after lunch?”
sirius shrugged.
“james didn’t really commit to flying so i guess i’m all yours.”
“okay” remus said, his fingers reaching out for sirius’. “i hope they have salad for lunch.”
“who wishes for salad?”
the hall was busy when remus and sirius arrived but they still managed to slip onto the gryffindor bench next to peter.
“where’s james?” remus asked as he helped himself to chicken pasta salad.
“i don’t know” peter said through a mouthful of pasta, “i thought he was with you.”
remus shook his head, his eyebrows drawing together. peter sighed, his dropping back to his plate.
“i’m going back to the dorm” sirius said, pushing away his half-eaten plate.
“love?” remus said as sirius stood up.
remus followed him, catching up easily.
“sirius?”
the older boy kept going, even when remus caught up fully, walking next to him, side by side.
outside the portrait hole, he stopped, facing remus with tears in his eyes.
“i’m scared” sirius confessed leaning into remus’ open arms.
“why, love?” remus asked, stepping back to take sirius’ hand and leading up the tower.
“i’m scared for james. scared he’ll do something regrettable if his dad dies.”
remus sat down on his bed, watching as sirius hovered by the door. he jumped when he heard a knock right next to him. he opened it, curious as to why anyone would knock.
“reg?”
“do you know where james is?” he asked.
“he went to the owler-” sirius began before he was interrupted.
“yeah i know, i was with him but then we were supposed to meet after a lesson when we both had a free but i can’t find him.”
“he hasn’t shown up for any lessons today” remus said slowly.
“i might go back up there; just to check” regulus said, turning on his heel.
sirius nodded understandingly, breathing heavily as he closed the door. he joined remus on the bed, immediately pressing his lips against his boyfriend’s. he pulled away, a smile at his lips.
“i can taste your salad” he mumbled, wrapping his arms around remus’ neck.
remus leant back against the headboard, sirius’ body falling on top of his own. their lips reconnected as sirius began silently tracing the scars that littered remus face and neck, disappearing under his collar.
“go on then” remus whispered. “finish the line.”
sirius’ hands dropped lower, finding the buttons of remus’ shirt easily. he slipped the material over remus’ shoulder to continue tracing the longest scar that ran from the werewolf’s neck down to his chest.
sirius heard remus’ breath catch in his throat slightly as his fingers moved down towards his boyfriend’s navel.
regulus’ pace increased as he started taking the steps up to the owlery two at a time. he stopped suddenly when he saw james stood on the edge of the exposed tower.
“james?” regulus asked quietly as he approached.
james turned on the spot slowly, tears streaming down his face. a crumpled letter was held tightly in his fist and he pulled out his wand, his head tilting to the side as regulus continued to move towards him.
“j-james, what’s happened?”
“HE’S GONE” james screamed suddenly, holding the tip of his wand against his temple.
“james” regulus repeated. “please, just talk to me, okay? back in the dorm, or the on pitch? please, james? don’t do this.”
“HE’S FUCKING GONE!“ james screamed again, his voice cracking.
his hand shook as he pressed the tip of his wand further against his skin. he adjusted his feet, the rock under his feet deteriorating and falling apart towards the ground. he stepped back slightly, his heels hanging over the edge of the tower.
“this is ridiculous” regulus muttered to himself as he pulled out his own wand. james watched as regulus stepped closer again. “james, please listen to me, okay? i know it hur-”
“NO YOU DON-”
“expelliarmus!”
throwing both wands onto the floor, regulus ran across the room, his arms already open as james fell into them, instantly soaking the shoulder of his jumper.
“i’ve got you” regulus whispered. “i’m right here and i’ve got you.”
“thank you” james whispered back. “i-i didn’t mea-”
“it’s okay” regulus repeated. “it’s going to be okay.”