Chapter 11
//cw: talk of illness, suicidal thoughts, grief and death//
by mid-march the spring showers had begun, and on the days when raindrops broke through the dense clouds and pummelled the castle’s windows, james’ fingers were more often than not intertwined with regulus’, pulling the slytherin behind him towards deserted classrooms and empty broom cupboards.
“do you want to go into hogsmeade this afternoon with me?” james asked one afternoon.
they’d been sat on the floor of a disused classroom, backs against the wall but their shoulders touching. with their legs stretched out, regulus’ were still at least two inches off james’. he looked over at his boyfriend, his head tilted.
“i don’t know” regulus said tentatively, not quite making eye contact with the gryffindor chaser. “it sounds like fun but there’ll be people.”
james remained silent as he wrapped a protective arm around regulus.
“hey that’s okay; maybe when everyone else goes, we’ll have the castle to ourselves anyway.”
james felt regulus nod, his hairs tickling under the older boy’s chin. his eyes began to close as regulus shuffled closer to him, his head falling comfortably on his shoulder. he opened them when he felt regulus sit up straight suddenly.
“what’s the matter?” james asked, blinking a couple of times.
“you have an assembly” regulus said, carefully getting to his feet so as not to crumple his clothes.
“oh.” james paused for a moment, still on the floor. he looked up at regulus with a grin on his face. “can’t we just stay here?”
“no” regulus replied flatly, heading for the door. “i think remus said it was an important one.”
james rolled his eyes as he stood up. he placed a gentle kiss on regulus’ lips as he passed him in the doorway before heading down to the great hall.
“as you know, your newts will begin in two months” mcgonagall was saying as james slipped into the spare seat sirius had left next to him. “and i trust you are all well into your revision by now. this assembly will outline the after-hours revision sessions that each department will be running in these final weeks. once your exams are over, your graduation celebration will take place in the grounds at the end of july. the afternoon will include an awards presentation and after that you will leave the castle for the final time the same way you arrived - by boat. any questions?”
“what are the awards?” someone yelled.
“a range of academic achievements, sporting achievements and” she paused, her gaze lingering on four boys who were frantically whispering to each other. “and also extracurricular activities.”
mcgonagall looked down at the collected faces before her; the children she’d helped shape into capable young adults.
“if there are no more questions, you are all dismissed.”
there was a loud collective scraping sound as the wooden benches were pushed back along the stone floor. peter, sirius and remus were still muttering to each other as they left the hall. james trailed behind them until a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts.
“james!” lily approached him with a smile. “can i ask you a favour?”
“uh sure” james said, running a hand through his hair. “what’s up?”
“there’s no need to look so nervous, i just wanted to know if you could cover my library round tonight? it’s girls’ night and i don’t want to miss marlene dyeing her hair again.”
“yeah” james said slowly. “i’ll just finish my charms, cut across the third floor an- yeah” he repeated more firmly. “that’s fine; i can do it.”
“thanks! you’re the best.”
“i know” james said with a wink.
lily punched him lightly on the arm.
“in your dreams, potter.”
james turned towards the staircase, his foot on the bottom step when sirius’ voice reached him from the other side of the entrance hall.
“we’re going into hogsmeade! do you want to come?”
james shook his head.
“i’ve got so much work to do but i’ll see you when you get back.”
sirius shrugged as he caught up with peter and remus who were waiting for him just outside the double doors. james watched as sirius ran out of the castle before turning to head up to the gryffindor tower.
pulling out his copy of bathilda bagshot’s ‘hogwarts: a history’, james potter sat down at one of the round tables in the common room. within seconds of writing the title his head was in his hands, his glasses slipping down his nose. feeling a tap on his shoulder, james sat up to find himself looking into the soft eyes of alice fortescue.
“so” alice began, sitting down heavily in the chair opposite james. “what’s the matter?”
“the matter?” james questioned, his voice slightly higher than usual.
“yeah. your face physically fell when you opened the letter your owl delivered this morning. so what’s the matter?” alice repeated more gently.
“you don’t have to do this; i’m fine.”
“of course i don’t have to do this but this is a friendship james, and that means doing things you don’t have to do because you want to and because you care.”
“right.”
james watched alice carefully as she tied her back in a loose bun, waiting expectantly for him to start talking. he took a deep breath before reaching into his trouser pocket and pulling out the now slightly crumpled letter. he lay it flat on the hardwood table and attempted to smooth it out before continuing.
“my mum sent it. it’s about my dad. he’s ill and it’s terminal and i don’t know what to do.”
“cancer?” alice asked softly.
james nodded, his throat suddenly constricted. alice reached across the table, holding two of james’ fingers in her hand. she squeezed them gently, looking up into the brown eyes that had become glossed over with unshed tears.
“hey, it’s going to be okay” she assured him though her voice was shaky. “whatever happens we’ll all be here for you, okay?”
james nodded, sniffing. he folded his mother’s letter up and put it back in his pocket. james pulled his hand away from alice’s and she retracted it, looking at the gryffindor chaser with confusion at his harsh movements.
“how did you cope?” james asked in a voice barely above a whisper.
“james this is different. he hasn’t died so we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”
“bu-”
“i didn’t, okay?” alice said with much more aggression than james had expected. “i don’t know how to cope. after my dad died i wanted to kill myself. i didn’t have a clue how to cope and i still don’t so . .” when she stopped to take a breath, alice looked up to see james looking at her with tears running down his cheeks. “i’m sorry” alice mumbled. “i-i just meant that i just felt so helpless a-and lost, you know?”
“yeah” james breathed out. “i know.”
james stood up and threw himself down on the faded red sofa, staring blankly into the fireplace. alice joined him, tentatively sitting at the other end. reaching over his shoulder, james grabbed the blanket that was draped over the back of the sofa before opening his arms and silently inviting alice to join him under its warmth.
they sat quietly, watching the flames until james asked a question into the silence.
“should i go see him, do you think?”
“yes” alice said immediately. “absolutely.”
“okay” james said, leaning back and closing his eyes. “okay.”
by the time the others returned from hogsmeade, both alice and james had fallen asleep, the fire still going in front of them. being the first through the portrait hole, dorcas saw them first and stopped suddenly, before approaching the sofa quietly after being repeatedly prodded in the back by marlene to encourage her to keep moving.
“should we wake them up?” peter asked.
“sure” sirius said, grabbing the water jug from the marble hearth that was meant for putting the fire out. “stand back if you don’t want to get wet.”
“sirius, no” remus told him exasperatedly.
an incessant tapping made all of them stop looking at their friends on the sofa and instead directed their attention to the dark long-eared owl that was hovering by the window. lily quickly crossed the common room to let it drop the envelope it was holding in its beak into her hand.
“it’s for james.”
sirius leant over the arm of the sofa to jab his friend awake. james groaned and ran a hand through his hair, his moments nudging alice awake too.
“you’re back; how was town?”
“it was fine” lily said quickly before sirius had opened his mouth. “this just arrived for you by the way” she said holding the letter out.
recognising the rewriting as his mother’s, james slipped a single finger under the loose corner of sealed envelope, opening it in one swift movement. his eyes quickly scanned the words, breathing out a sigh of relief when he read the words ‘stable condition’. he stood up quickly, dragging the blanket with him when the words ‘palliative care’ caught his attention three lines below where he was currently reading. keeping his eyes in the piece of parchment in his hand, james headed for the portrait hole, ducking his head in a weak attempt to hide his tears.
“i’ll go” alice said once the portrait hole had closed.
“err no” sirius said somewhat harshly. “he’s my best friend so i’ll go.”
“sirius please” alice implored, reaching the portrait hole just after sirius. “let me do this.”
sirius stepped aside, bowing mockingly. alice stopped right outside the fat lady, raising an eyebrow.
“he went left” the fat lady told her. “he was running pretty fast.”
“okay thank you.”
alice ran in the direction the fat lady had instructed but stopped when she heard heavy footsteps behind her. she turned to see sirius running at her, barely stopping before he hit her.
“he’s my best friend; let me come.”
alice shrugged, not in the mood to argue with who was probably the most stubborn person she knew. they turned the corner in an awkward silence and saw james sat on the empty corridor floor, his back against the wall. he wasn’t making any noise but the way his shoulders were shaking informed alice he was crying.
sirius broke into a run again and knelt down in front of james, looking at him with his eyebrows close together.
“what’s up, prongs?”
“alice” james managed between gasps for air as the loud sobs he’d been trying to suppress broke free. “alice i-”
“hey” alice said softly, joining sirius in the floor with james. “you’re okay, yeah?”
james nodded, taking the hand sirius offered to pull him to his feet. james waited as alice also got to her feet.
“can we go out flying? i want to talk to you.”
“sure. i can meet you on the quidditch pitch if you want? i’ll get the brooms?”
“sounds good to me” james said, tucking the second letter form his mum into his other pocket.
taking the stairs down to the entrance hall, sirius didn’t notice james wasn’t with them anymore until they reached the fat lady. before giving her the password, sirius turned to alice, looking down at her with an eyebrow raised.
“so you going to tell me what’s going on then?”
“it’s not my place to say, sirius” alice told him, turning back to face the fat lady.
grabbing her shoulders, sirius forced alice to face him again, holding her firmly in place as he repeated his question.
“ow sirius what the fuck? let me go.”
despite his grip tightening, alice pulled herself free and reentered the common room. the group hadn’t really moved but she passed through silently, not caring to explain when she came back down from the dorms carrying james and frank’s brooms. she’d almost made it back out before she found her path blocked by remus lupin.
“where’s sirius?”
“don’t know” alice answered shortly.
“alice how can you not know? he literally went straight after you.”
alice shrugged nonchalantly and stared up at remus until he stepped aside and let her pass. he stayed by the portrait hole for a moment before heading out after her in search of his boyfriend.
the sky had darkened since the early afternoon and by the time alice arrived on the quidditch pitch, the sun had disappeared completely. she held out james’ broom out to him with her warmest fake smile, but the way her hand shook as she held it out was something that did not escape james’ notice.
“what happened?” james asked once they were in the air.
“nothing” alice said a little quickly. “just a bit cold.”
james nodded and threw the quaffle to her but a sense of unease remained. as she stuck out an arm to catch it, faint bruising became visible around alice’s wrists where sirius had initially grabbed her.
“did something happen with sirius?”
alice pretended not to hear him as she returned the quaffle.
“alice.”
james wiped his glasses to get a better look at her as the rain became heavier.
“i mean yeah but it’s just because he’s concerned about you. it’s fine.”
“just because he’s pissed at me doesn’t give him a right to take it out on you” james shouted as the sound of thunder echoed around the stands. “maybe we should go in before we get ill. the last match of the season is next week and i can’t miss it.”
alice nodded, following the chaser in his dive back to the ground.