Couldn't and wouldn't
“It should be red!” exclaims Regulus.
“No green” counters Barty
“I’m with Reg, it should be red” says Dorcas
“And i’m with Barty” says Evan
They’d been arguing for what felt like hours. They had made a thankyou basket for James which Regulus would be giving to him tonight. They’d added quidditch magazines, biscuits, chocolates and a quill in it. Now they just couldn’t decide what color decorations they should go for, Regulus and Dorcas insisted that it should be red seeing as James was a gryffindor through and through while Barty and Evan argued that it should be green seeing as it was from them to him.
It was a two-to-two tie, there was only one way to settle it.
“Which color do you think we should go for Pandora?” asked Regulus intent on settling the debate.
“I think we should go for a neutral color, perhaps blue” answers Pandora.
Now red and green one might understand, but blue? What the fuck was that about?
Regulus pulls a face, “Thats bloody stupid”
“Regulus please make it blue” Pandora asked so sincerely that for a moment he considered the idea before discarding it because that makes no sense,”No” Regulus sad and then in true Black nature, flops onto the bed. Honestly how the fuck was he supposed to even manage a conversation with a boy he’s fancied for so damn long?
A boy who also happens to be so tragically straight that he may as well kiss a horse rather than a bloke.
Okay so he may not be THAT opposed to the idea considering the fact that his brother and Lupin are quite literally all over each other all the time. Too much. The other day Regulus had gone to the library and had seen Sirius sitting in Lupin’s lap while Lupin read to the both of them.
It was disgustingly cute.
But Regulus had been so glad because, deep down he still loves Sirius, more than himself – not that that’s saying a lot – and if he had to he’d chop himself into pieces just to see a small smile on his face, a smile on the face of someone who hates him, blissful.
“Regulus? We made it red with slight touches of green” says Dorcas softly, all of his friends know that he zones out occasionally and they never make him feel bad about it. Sometimes Regulus thinks that he doesn’t deserve them.
He had this conversation with Barty a couple of years ago, and Barty listened and in the end he said that they all needed him just as much as he needed the others and then proceeded to recount random times in which Regulus had helped him.
It made him feel better.
“What should i wear?” asks Regulus, he really wanted James to go Wow when he sees him, even though that probably won’t happen.
“Ooo~ want to impress your boy huh?” teases Evan
“He’s not my boy, but yes,” answers Regulus.
“Wear your green jumper with your flared black trousers” advises Dorcas the bloody fashion master.
“Well I for one think you should avoid both red and green this evening,” says Pandora.
Why exactly, Regulus doesn’t really seem to understand seeing as both he and James take much pride in their house, so why hide it?
“I don’t get your insistence on avoiding our house colors, we both love our houses, neither of us would want to hide it”
“Trust me on this, wear black, all black. You always have some sort of green in your clothes.” she sounded exasperated now and... concerned
“Merlin okay, but you better tell me why”
“With that basket, i'm fairly sure he’ll be forced to tell you himself” Pandora mumbles as she leaves the room, obviously upset over god knows what.
He looks around the room and at his friends' confused faces. Yup that was weird.
★☆★
Regulus was so stressed out that he decided to go early. Early meaning half an hour early. He made his way up the stairs of his astronomy tower. In his pocket was the basket made smaller using a charm.
Hands sweaty, Regulus was really bloody nervous. He wondered what his mother would think of him seeing him here, being sweaty and nervous to see a boy, Regulus relishes in the imagined look of horror on her face especially considering it’s the boy who ‘stole’ Sirius. The boy who planted things against blood purity inside Sirius’ mind as though it wasn’t Sirius who would always whisper to Regulus about how blood purity was bullshit, at the ripe age of seven. The boy who in his mother’s eyes had the taintest blood, was the foulest creature on the planet yet this boy was the kindest soul in the universe, with a heart purer than the blood in any of their veins.
Could you really hate somebody who’d be ready to fight people twice their age just to save someone they care about? Because Regulus knows James would have done that for Sirius.
Could you hate somebody who'd hug you after you told them that you hate them? After you shouted at them? Someone who’d lay down their life for someone they barely know?
Because Regulus couldn’t and wouldn’t.
When he decided to go early he didn’t really expect James to already be there, his head tilted backwards and eyes closed as moonlight shined upon him. He looks heavenly.
Maybe he’s biased but he’d bet his arse that James could win in a competition against Aphrodite, not that he wants him to, seeing as Athena cursed a girl to be a spider when she won.
Bloody gods.
Regulus lets himself bask in James’ glory for a little while longer, but the more he looked he saw that nothing in James’ posture seemed relaxed, he seemed… tense. It seemed so different from the confident cool posture Regulus always saw him with everyday at school, such a weird contrast.
For some reason Regulus has a sudden urge to hug the Gryffindor, and decides to ignore it.
“Hi.” says Regulus quietly
“Hello Regulus, is it twelve already?” asks James, his posture immediately back to normal.
It’s a mask realized Regulus with a start.
Why?
He doesn’t know.
He’ll find out though, even if it’s the last thing he does.
“No it isn’t, im early”
“Of course you are” says James as he stands up
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing it just seems like classic you is all” says James as he looks him up and down, in a way that makes Regulus feel proud of himself as though James is admiring him.
“You aren’t wearing green?” asks James, if Regulus didn’t have such little self confidence, he’d think James was admiring him. But how could someone who looked like him ever admire Regulus.
Not in this world.
Not in any world.
“No, Pandora told me not to, i don't know why though” he says trying to convey the message that he wants James to tell him, he probably didn’t understand as he just laughs quietly, fondly and says
“Clever girl she is”
And then they just stand in front of each other, awkwardly.
Gosh it felt like Regulus could taste the awkwardness.
“Right, so I wanted to talk to you about something,” says Regulus, nervously.
How the bloody hell do you manage a conversation with your crush?
There should be a guide for it.
James looks at him, and then to the floor, “did i do something wrong” he asks, guilt dripping from his voice.
How could he – the most perfect person on earth – think he’s done something wrong?
There’s a sad look in his eyes and Regulus would burn the world for it to disappear.
“Oh merlin, no!” exclaims Regulus, “let’s sit”
They both sit down, opposite to each other, both of their backs pressed against the walls of the tower. Due to the tower being small in width their feet just barely brushed against the others.
It feels nice, thinks Regulus.
“I- well my friends and i wanted to thank you”
“For?” asks James, confused.
“Helping last night, it meant a lot.”
“Regulus.” says James somewhat sternly, “I don’t need, want or desire a thankyou for such things, okay? You were hurting and I just wanted to help, which by the way I'm glad I could” he finishes smiling, a smile much different from his usual, a smile which brings comfort.
Oh god can someone be more perfect? Surely not.
“I told you that i wish you’d die” Regulus himself wincing at the words.
He watches as hurt flashes across James’ eyes just for a split second before they look the same.
You wouldn’t believe that he had even felt hurt if you looked at him now, his face back to its usual smiling as are his eyes back to normal, comforting.
And for the first time in his life Regulus wonders if someone has ever seen James get hurt, and seen him show his hurt or does James really just shrug off everything.
For the first time he realizes that everyone’s anchor isn’t even anchoring himself, putting more and more weight on the boat, he’s bound to drown in his own sorrows. Who’s to say he isn’t already, and considering it's James he won’t ask for help.
He’s bloody good with his mask, and that definitely means alot coming from Regulus.
“I wanted to, don’t worry” reassures Regulus, “you made me feel happy, materials don’t measure up to emotions and what i’ve got is merely materialistic”
“Oh i really like, the thing about emotions and materials, wow”
Regulus pulls out the shrunken basket and puts it in front of himself and James as he makes it big again.
“Oh, no that's too much” whispers James looking at Regulus eyes full of… something, he doesn’t know.
“Nonsense” replies Regulus smiling, pleased with himself for making James feel happy.
He watches as James looks at the basket, properly this time. James squints his eyes, trying really hard to focus; it seems as though he’s having a mental battle about something.
James looks back up at Regulus, he seems embarrassed.
“I’m going to ask you something, please don’t laugh” he nearly murmurs the last parts, voice full of insecurity.
Regulus hums to indicate that James can go on.
“Is this red or green?”
What kind of a question is that? It's visible. Unless… oh no.
“Red with hints of green”
Regulus watches as James smiles sadly, “thankyou”
“Are you colorblind?” Regulus blurts out, real smooth he thinks not rude at all. “Sorry, that sounded awful”
James laughs, “it’s okay really, most people don't even have the decency to look sorry for asking it” Regulus winces, that sounds awful, “Not particularly, just reds and greens, i have deuteranopia”
Regulus feels awful, he wishes they’d listened to Pandora and made it blue.
Pandora’s words ring in his head,
With that basket, i'm fairly sure he’ll be forced to tell you himself
Fuck
He wishes that he hadn’t been so self-assured because James looks so embarrassed right now, it feels like he just showed Regulus a part of himself that he keeps hidden from the world, and he had to show it to Regulus so unwillingly.
“And I- i am not telling you this to make you uncomfortable or seem ungrateful, i'm so so thankful for the gift but i just didn’t wanna risk anybody knowing its green, considering no one knows that I’m here right now” James rambled in one breath
“James, it’s okay it isn’t something that you can control and well i'm sorry”
“No need”
“Do you want me to take out the greens?” asks Regulus
“Yes please” says James and then proceeds to watch carefully when Regulus handpicks all the green out.and then grins, “chocolate?” he asks taking two bars out of the basket and hands one to Regulus.
“I can’t take that it’s your gift” says Regulus, is this boy an idiot?
“Which technically means that i may do with it as i please, and i’d like to have a chocolate with you” when Regulus doesn’t give an answer, James continues, “ Sir Black, would you grant me the pleasure of sharing a chocolate with me” he says in a dramatically posh voice causing a laugh to fall out of Regulus’ mouth.
“Yes Monsieur Potter, I'd gladly grant you the pleasure” Regulus says, his voice funny from laughing.
★☆★
“Absolutely not” says James, his face looks like he’s physically in pain from hearing what Regulus just said.
It’s just so absurd that Regulus starts to laugh, he seems to have been doing that alot with James.
“I’m not kidding, Slytherin could easily beat Gryffindor.”
“Bollocks, with absolutely no due respect, you guys’ entire team is horrid. The only person of talent they have is you” says James, the actual admiration in his voice when he says the last part has Regulus blushing.
He hopes it's dark enough for James to not notice.
“That’s not true” says Regulus scandalized, the Slytherin team… is fine.
“Regulus, the Slytherin team, easily put, is shit. I myself scored more goals than all of the Slytherin team in our match last year. They’d be miserable without you”
Merlin why the fuck does this boy have to add a compliment in every single compliment.
Regulus wills his cheeks to stop burning, unsuccessful.
And well what he said is true, James is truly the best chaser in perhaps the entire school, in their last match against each other within the first ten minutes James had scored fifty points and the only reason Slytherin didn't miserably fail was because Regulus caught the snitch.
“Please like your team wouldn’t fail if you weren’t there” said Regulus but it's a clear lie, while James is the best in the school the way he has shaped his team and has been shaping his team for three years would ensure that he could sit a couple of matches out.
“I quite literally missed the last match against Ravenclaw, and fuck house rivalry but they are the real competition, every single move of theirs is precise and calculated, and if i remember correctly, my team won” finishes of James with a smug smirk on his face.
Why must this boy be so argumentative?
Usually people shut up when in an argument with Regulus, James has got to be the only person save Dorcas who has ever had a serious argument with him.
“Fine, you’re right, Slytherin team sucks” admits Regulus
He watches as James mouth dramatically falls open and eyes comically widen, “there's no way i got The Regulus Arcturus Black to say that, OH MY GOSH” he nearly squeals the last part.
“You know my middle name?” asks Regulus curiously, only his friends and family know it.
“I- umm yea, Sirius”
Regulus nods and looks out of the window.
“Fuck what time is it?” he watches as James casts a time spell and-
Its over 3 fucking am.
“Holy fuck we should get going” says Regulus, and out of nowhere James starts to laugh.
“You sound so posh cursing holy shit-” he manages to say before falling into hysterics.
“Well I happen to be posh Potter '' deadpans Regulus as he lets a small smile slip on his face.
“But- Gosh” wheezes James.
“Oh my gosh James it's not that funny, stop” hisses Regulus – without any venom of course – lightly hitting James arm when he can not find it in himself to stop.
Eventually he does, laughter still evident in his eyes.
“Thank you once again for the basket Regulus”
“It was my pleasure James” Regulus thinks and adds, “You’re not less than anyone solely because of what you can or can not see and if anyone has ever made you feel that way, then they’re the one beneath you”
And Regulus means it, every word, every letter and more. If he could find every single person who has made James feel insecure, throw them all into a big ass sack and then light it on fire.
Which might be a tad bit excessive normally but not for James, never for him.
“I- oh my my gosh Regulus, can I hug you?” asks James, and Regulus agrees because he can see the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.
James wraps his arms around Regulus as does Regulus, James. He lets himself close his eyes because Regulus is sure he hasn’t felt this safe in someone's arms, ever.
James Middle Name Unidentified Potter Magic.
After what feels like centuries they pull away and Regulus once again wishes to stay in James’ arms forever.
“That’s the nicest thing somebody has said to me about my color blindness, Thankyou so much Regulus.”
“No problem, you can talk to me anytime you feel down, okay?” says Regulus, giving James the same offer he had given Regulus a day prior.
James nods and suddenly there’s a sparkle of mischief in his eyes, “Hey Regulus, tell your friends to sit at the ends of their tables, even Pandora”
“Why?” Regulus knows it's probably for a prank but wants to know what would happen exactly.
“Can’t tell you, Marauders’ honor” he replies, wearing his signature lopsided grin and a hand splayed upon the right side of his face, Regulus feels his insides flutter looking at James.
“Stupid name” mutters Regulus, himself grinning too. Its just that James’ smile is so fucking contagious like God how can you be in close proximity with him and not smile, it surely must be a crime.
James laughs, throwing his head backwards and Regulus watches, mesmerized as James’ Adam's apple bobs up and down.
James reaches over and ruffles Regulus’ hair, “Go to sleep Regulus” and with that James leaves the tower still chuckling softly and Regulus finally reaxes himself and feels his cheeks burn slightly.
Merlin, who knew Regulus was fighting off a blush so hard.
★☆★
Regulus enters his dorm not expecting his friends to be awake and all together, again.
Honestly, he can't get even a second of peace in his dorm, he just wants to lay down and think of James' soft smile, his arms around Regulus and the sparkle of mischief in his eyes.
He wants to think about James, not talk about him which his friends surely will force him to do.
“Did you shag” is the first thing he hears from Barty’s mouth as he enters.
“No, your mother wasn’t available” deadpans Regulus.
“OH MY GOSH Regulus” screeches Barty, “the mental image, oh my- fuck you”
“Nah that's you mother’s job” says Regulus, gosh does he enjoy fucking with Barty, he gets worked up so easily its so damn hilarious.
Barty is the son of the minister of magic who also happens to be be shit ass father. Barty was a mama's boy through and through and as much as he loved to pretend that he was a dark arts lover, only their friend group knew how much of a softie he really was. He would buy his mom little things everytime they went out to hogsmeade.
“I hate you” sneers Barty
“Fine i won’t tell you what happened between James and i”
“Oh no please, Regulus, I’m sorry” Barty practically begged, at this point Regulus was finding it hard to maintain a straight face. Barty looked so funny and watching him squirm was one of Regulus’ most favorite things in the world, and he was thoroughly enjoying it right now.
“It must’ve gone immensely well because you” said Dorcas pointing towards Regulus, “looked quite red when you came in”
Great. Thankyou so damn much Dorcas now he was resembling a cherry again.
Now he did want to tell his friends but first he needed to talk to Pandora thought Regulus as he looked over towards her.
She was sitting on the edge of Evan’s bed, quite a bit away from everyone else.
“Pan…” began Regulus, not knowing how to start the conversation.
Pandora looked over towards him, with so much worry in her eyes, “he told you?”
“Yes, and I feel so bad. I swear if i knew i’d never have done it” Pandora obviously worried and cared about James, Regulus didn’t know why but he wasn't about to force another secret out of them.
“You should have listened to me, he hates it when it’s forced out of him’
“It was alright Pandora i swear, we joked and talked afterwards. We even hugged, it was fine I said sorry” Regulus was already feeling quite bad, he didn’t know why Pandora was making it such a big deal.
“He’s too damn kind, Regulus. He wouldn’t have even let you think he wasn’t alright” Regulus watched heartbroken as Pandora continued, “he has a mask, and it’s so much harder to maintain than yours is, he has to be happy all the time even when he ‘s dying inside. I asked you so many times Regulus to not make it red or green and you didn’t listen. I’ve seen him cry and sob about something you just forced him to tell you.”
“He said it was okay!” shoutes Regulus, he doesn’t know why Pandora was making him feel so bad, James had said it was okay. It surely isn't that much of a big deal.
“He wouldn't have told you had it not been anyways, i’m not talking to you until you say sorry to him and ask him if he really didn’t mind” and once more Pandora exits the room leaving them all shook.
“I'm going to sleep” mumbles Regulus and quickly shuts his curtains, willing himself not to cry.
“Next time you start to feel overwhelmed, tell me, okay?”
“Because you’re not alone, or at least i don’t want you to be”
James’ words ring inside his head and Regulus lets the tears fall.
In the morning, before breakfast, he’ll talk to James.
For now he must sleep.
𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂