"What if he thinks I'm not enough?"
Nothing ruins your self esteem more than your crush of a whole year telling you that they don't like you, your personality and that they blame you for all the problems of their life.
"With you? Never"
"I don't like your personality, i don't like you"
"You're the reason for so many problems in my life"
"I wish you died, i wish you were never born"
Regulus had apologized, and James did believe him, but maybe, maybe he had only said that to not make James feel bad.
Maybe he still meant it
James willed his mind to shut up but it was no use as the events of the night replayed over and over again in his head as he walked back to the dorm.
He paused outside the portrait, taking a moment to compose himself because goddamn him if people saw The James Potter crying, goddamn him if he ruined the unshakable picture people had of him, goddamn him if he wanted to be comforted too.
But it hurt,
It all hurt,
It hurt so much,
And yet he suffered alone while everyone else suffered with him.
"It just, you know little little things accumulate and then it just gets overwhelming and then i just- well this happens"
And James understood, he really did because he had those nights too. And he could feel everything breaking yet he put on a fake smile and just carried on, carried all the hurt by himself.
Carrying it all James knew that he would never wish that upon his worst enemy or even Snape.
But Regulus was more than that, so much more. He had liked the mysterious buy for about a year now and he had probably never felt this way before.
One thing that everyone knew was that James Potter did not date. Common knowledge was that it was because of his crush on Lily Evans, but what nobody knew was that it meant nothing to him and he was sure that it meant nothing to Evans either. However he had stopped towards the end of 4th year.
But the real reason was only known by three people, them being his parents and Peter.
He had come out about his sexuality to them in very different ways.
His parents being the absolute best and most embarrassing parents ever had given him The Talk™ during probably his third or fourth year and not even a month after that he had told them that he wasn't interested in stuff like that and didn't think that he ever would be. His parents had been immensely supportive and had helped him to come to terms with his sexuality.
Soon when he went to visit Peter, the first thing he said to James was that he was hiding something and that Peter knew, however he would not push him to tell him if he himself didn't want to tell him.
This was why James was eternally grateful towards Peter, he always knew when to push and when to back off, plus he was observant as fuck.
But Peter was also the person who had known him the longest, outside of family, so he decided to tell him.
He still remembered the conversation as though it had happened seconds ago.
James lay on his belly on Peter's floor as the both of them played exploding snap.
Peter had one two out of the three round they had played, he was extraordinarily good at these games and it was always a pleasure to play with him despite always losing.
The game that James had won had beenbecause Peter's mum had called him and James had won just as Peter was standing up, call it unfair or whatever you may but it was still satisfactory.
As Peter left James thought about why he had arranged the visit in the first place, James wanted to tell Peter, he truly did but what if Peter didn't see him the same way before, or think him disgusting or worst of all, not enough.
James' mom told him time and time again that everything he did was enough, more than even at most times yet he found it hard to believe, she was his mother after all, of course she had to make him feel better. It was kind of her job.
James knew that he had to tell Peter, he wanted to but the fear was deep-rooted and he had no idea how to overcome it.
He remembered talking to his mother about it,
They had been sitting on the kitchen table – well James had been, his mom was sitting on a chair – "what if he thinks I'm not enough"
"First of all, that's peter, honey" his mother had said, "he would never say that, and if he so much as insinuates it, that just means that he's not a good person, but Jamie i think we both know that Peter would never judge you for your choice, and neither would Remus and Sirius, they're all wonderful wonderful children"
He had essentially felt better after that however the nerves, they never seemed to go away.
He moved over from the floor and sat on Peter's bed, just as he came in.
"Right so to- James? What's up?"
In an instant Peter was beside James and already had an arm wrapped around James, moving it up and down his arm.
"I- I need to tell you something"
"Hmm… go on"
"I- I-don't-think-i-ever-wanna-have-sex" James said all in one go and suddenly he couldn't breathe, that was the first of his many panic attacks.
Why the fuck was it so hard to breathe?
Calm down, his mind said to his racing heart.
"James, james shh its okay"
A voice.
Whose?
"James breath with me"
"Inhale, prongs, 1… 2… 3… "
He did
"Exhale, 3… 2… 1… "
He did
"Good job James"
"Thanks wormy, what happened though?"
James was confused, he couldn't understand what had happened, why had it been so hard to breathe all of a sudden? Surely nothing was wrong with him, right?
"Remember that panic attack I had in 2nd year? That's what happened"
"I- why"
Why,
Why,
Why?
James felt confused,
"Nerves James, it's okay, okay? It's totally fine to feel as such, nothings wrong with you, prongs and don't ever feel as such"
James nodded.
"Do you still wanna tell me what you wanted to?"
James nodded, again.
"Okay take your time"
"I… I don't think i ever want to have sex"
He finally willed himself to look at Peter, searching his eyes for anything.
He hoped against hope that Peter still thought nicely of him.
He hoped he wasn't repulsed by him.
He hoped James didn't disgust him.
Peter hugged him.
"Its fine," James felt himself relaxing into the hug, "It's your life and whatever you choose, I'll support you throughout it all, and anyone who so much as breathes against you, shall feel my wrath" he purposefully made the last part sound obnoxious, forcing out a laugh out of James. "I told you that nothings wrong with you, and that statement still stands true. You're one of the most caring, amazing and influential people I know and if someone wasn't want you just because you don't want to give them your dick, they don't deserve you. You'll find someone who likes and wants you -- romantically -- just as you are and in the mean time, you have me pads and moony too, even if you don't want to tell them yet"
James was eternally grateful towards Peter, and he knew that Peter was the one friend he could never lose.
Yes, so were Sirius and Remus but they all held different places in James.
And now Peter had his biggest secret.
His biggest secret was in the safest place.
James took a deep breath outside the portrait, slightly shook his head, clearing his head up and preparing to go in, probably to a shit ton of questions.
He had missed his visit to the astronomy tower, he went there every other day, but helping Regulus had definitely been worth it.
He hoped that he could spend more time with Regulus, as just his friend even, because he knew that he wouldn't want someone who can't even give him sex in a relationship.
It honestly seemed like nobody would, hence why James had remained single his entire time at hogwarts.
As he moved up to his dorm, the encounter with Regulus started to take iver his mind again.
I'll tell Peter tomorrow.
𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂