Long time coming
TW: Walburga & Orion's A+ parenting, emotional breakdown
It's fine thought Regulus as he slid down the wall of his favorite hiding spot.
It's fine, it'll be alright thought Regulus knowing damn well it wasn't true.
He hit the floor and brought his knees up to his chest, hugging them.
It had been a long time coming, Regulus knew that.
Through all the pressure, his mother's rules, the stupid blood purist laws and shit, losing his brother, the only person who had cared about him, the expectations, everything was bound to become too much.
His head dropped onto his knees as he began to cry.
This wasn't new. It wasn't new at all. It happened occasionally, sometimes once a month, sometimes every few weeks, rarely he could go a couple of months but it came eventually. He’d break. He always does.
This one was particularly bad, unlike many others he could feel this one building up over the past few days just waiting for a small little push and it would all topple over.
The small little push had come during dinner.
He saw his brother, laughing freely with his friends, totally carefree as though he hadn't left his own ‘little’ brother in a damn prison.
Regulus regretted a lot of things about the way that night had played out.
Regulus was sad about a lot of things about that night, but the most, he was torn between two things, each battling over to take the crown of ‘I broke the little king the most’.
Number one: The fact that Sirius hadn't stayed, hadn't stayed for him.
It would've broken him reasoned one side.
But you're his brother shot back the other
He's just a child, the sound of the first voice
So are you. said the ugly voice
Number two: Not leaving with him.
Regulus remembered how Sirius had begged him to leave with him and Regulus had denied.
Regulus' whole body shook as sobs started to fall out of his mouth.
It wasn't new.
The feeling of being broken wasn't new.
The feeling of being broken beyond repair wasn't new.
The feeling of being unwanted wasn't new.
The feeling of being used wasn't new.
It wasn't new.
None of it wasn't new.
Yet it hurt worse than hell each time.
If it wasn't new, why did it hurt so much?
Why didn't he get used to it?
Every single time it had been because of somewhat the same reasons, yet it hurt.
Why hasn't Regulus been able to conquer this?
Just add it to the list of all the shit you can't do, whispered the cruel voice.
☾︎𖣔𖣔☽︎
Regulus jumped slightly as he felt another body slide down next to him.
"Hey" Regulus froze. He knew this voice, he'd recognize it anywhere. James Potter. James Middle Name Unidentified Potter. Sirius' chosen brother. Prankster. Quidditch Captain. Head Boy. HEAD BOY??? fuck he's in huge trouble.
"Are you okay" asked Potter
"No, I just enjoy lounging on floors and crying, Potter" replied Regulus, voice dripping in sarcasm.
"Oh c'mon mate-"
"Don't call me mate" cut in Regulus as he looked up,
"What would you rather i- Regulus?" He spluttered
Wow Potter looked like a deer caught in headlights when surprised,(a/n lol)
"Yea? Problem?" Asked Regulus casting an unimpressed look at him
"I- umm no" he slightly shook his head as though to clear his mind, "what's wrong?"
"No." Said Regulus sternly, well as stern as he could manage after crying.
"No?" Asked Potter confused
"No as in I'm not gonna tell you"
"Why?" Merlin was this boy dumb
"Would you prefer the list in alphabetical order?"
"Anyway you like will work" he said with a smirk and goddamn that smirk.. Regulus no. He scolded himself.
"Okay so first off we're not friends, seco-"
"Would you like to be?" He asked tilting his head towards the left a bit in a way that moonlight illuminated his face and for the first time Regulus appreciated how James' eyes looked in the- NO STOP!
"With you? Never."
"Oh." He sounded…. hurt? "Reasons ?"
"Well firstly our houses hate eachother"
"Doesn't mean that we have to hate each other"
The audacity?
"Yes it does" he took a deep breath, trying to think of reasons other than how his heart performed gymnastics at the sight of him,"our teams are quidditch rivals"
"C'mon where's your sportsmanship?"
"Dead gone and buried with" deadpanned Regulus, as James started to laugh
"Shut up Potter im moving on to the most important reasons"
"Oh of course please continue" he said still smiling
"I dont like your personality, i dont like you,"
"Why?"
"You're friends with my brother, his chosen brother, the better brother" fuck Regulus was starting to lose his cool infront of James Potter, as much as Regulus thought him handsome, his hatred for the boy overruled it all.
"Regulus look it isn't like-"
"IT IS LIKE THAT" shouted Regulus, he watched as James quickly took out his wand and muttered a muffliato "You, Potter, you he chose you not even thinking once– goddamn twice– about me his blood brother"
tears.
tears.
tears.
Boys don't cry, his mother's voice rang in his head.
Stop stop stop, his voice fought back
He knew it wasn't James' fault but he was here and Regulus really wanted to out his anger.
"You, Potter, you caught him when he fell, you, potter, with you he laughs, with you he's carefree, it's all fucking you!" Tears now spilling freely down his cheeks
James starts to reach out with his hand, probably to touch his shoulder, Regulus shoves him, hard, and watches him as he falls backwards and stands up. James looks shocked as though he hadn't been expecting Regulus to push him.
"You're the reason our family broke, Potter, you're the reason he left, you're the reason I'm alone in that hellhole, you're the reason for so many problems in my life and then you ask why we cant be friends" Regulus was shaking by now, "I wish you died, i wish you were never born" he finished, tears eyes still wet but no tears escaping now, he brought his hands to his hair and gripped them tightly, grounding himself.
He watched as James stood up, he expected him to walk away,
Blacks don't cry
SHUT UP! fought back his inner voice
What he didn't expect James to do is to walk up to him and stand beside him,
"Can i touch you?" He asks in the softest voice Regulus had ever heard, he nodded shakily.
James reached up and slowly pried his hands out of Regulus' hair and held them in his own.
Warm,
warm
Warm.
His hands were warm.
"Better?"
He wants to say no, he does but honestly he can't, not because he doesn't want help from James but because it would be a lie. He does feel better, yelling at James sizzled his anger down even if he didn't mean much of the stuff it certainly helped and he knows how bad it sounds, how bad it is.
I wish you died, i wish you were never born
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
He did NOT say that to James no way.
Fuck
"James i-"
"It's okay"
"It's really not, I told u to die"
He watches as James grimaces but quickly covers it up with a smile but there's something off with his eyes, they're... tense.
"Do you feel better?"
"Yes"
"Then it's fine"
Not sure of what to do, Regulus looks down at his hands which were currently being covered by James'.
James pulls his hands back as his neck seems to flush and clears his throat.
"If I may, what was wrong"
"It just, you know little little things accumulate and then it just gets overwhelming and then i just- well this happens" Regulus laughs awkwardly as James moves closer making Regulus' breath hitch.
"I'm gonna hug you" and with that Regulus feels strong, steady, warm, safe, muscle-y(NO STOP) arms wrap around him and he feels himself melt.
After a while Regulus pulls away, he wishes he hadn't because if he could he'd die with those strong arms around him, and cherish them forever.
"Regulus"
"Yea?"
"Promise me something"
Anything
"What?"
"Next time you start to feel overwhelmed, tell me, okay?"
"I- uhh why?"
"Because you're not alone atleast i don't want you to be" he replied with a soft smile.
Oh gosh, thought Regulus as he felt himself flush.
"Okay James" Regulus said as he felt a smile creep up on his face, (oh gosh, the power of goddamn Potter) "Thankyou" he added as an afterthought, "for all of tonight"
"No need to thank me" James' smile broadened, he seemed to want to say something else but seemed to have thought of it, "you should sleep"
"Not you?"
"I have better things to do"
"Like?"
"I'm a mysterious man, Reggie" THAT GODDAMN SMIRK
"Oh gosh don't call me that, ever again"
"Never again, Reggie" FUCK THAT SMIRK
Regulus laughed, like actually laughed, gosh he really should sleep before he does something stupid.
"Good night Jamie" he watched as James splutters and his neck reddens slightly.
"G'night Reggie"
𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂𓆙𐂂