Wizard identity crisis
“Holy… huge box?” I had no idea what I was looking at, Marlene and Lily were practically giddy just from the sight of it.
“Holy Telly!” Lily was basically screaming. I still had no clue as to what this was.
“This is not a regular Telly, it has a built in VCR and everything. I brought almost every Disney tape I owned, we can have movie nights every Friday!” Mary explained, Marlene and Lily seemed to be more excited with every word. I didn’t understand half of what Mary said, I stood there confused until my friends realized I wasn’t just as happy.
Apparently muggles have this box for moving pictures except the pictures tell a story and speak. To me it seemed like a bizarre idea to me. Mary put in a ‘movie’ called Mary Poppins because it was “easier to show then to explain.” I wondered if she picked that because they had the same name.
“She’s almost like a real wizard!” Lily said as the movie started, I was unsure. The box was loud and staticky, the picture was flashy and jumpy, I felt like the setting changes too much and it moved too fast. Then they started singing and I was lost. Is it a picture? Is it a radio? The whole idea of this didn’t make sense to me. In a radio there was someone at a headquarters playing the songs in real time but this had been already recorded, the people weren’t tiny and performing for us they were gone living there lives how was that possible?
Around the halfway mark I had enough, there were drawings with the people and my brain felt like it was about to explode. I excused myself and made my way to the common room. The box had honestly made my head hurt, I don’t know how muggles do it. When I got to the common room, Peter and James were playing chess.
“Where are you friends?” I asked them
“Freaking out over some music thing.” James shrugged, I looked at the board and Peter was winning.
“What about you Haze?” Peter asked.
“Something called a Telly, I don’t really know if I’m being honest.” I sat down next to the board in the middle of them.
“Do you think we’re missing out on anything? By not knowing muggle inventions do you think we’re missing out?” James asked, Peter scoffed.
“Of course not!” Peter smiled “wizardry inventions are definitely superior to muggle ones. It’s like everything we have, it’s ten times harder for muggles. There is a spell for everything after all.” Peter explained, it made me uneasy the way he said there was a spell for everything. He said it with such power and proudness it made me wonder if I sounded like that when I said it to my friends. I wish to respect muggle things but I just don’t know anything about it.
“I s’pose.” James sighed “we have spells and muggles have that elect-city thing-“
“But it took them loads longer to come up with it.” Peter intruded, I knew his hatred for muggles was mainly caused by his fear of being one. Almost half his family had no magical talents, they were the ones who broke out into the muggle world and properly told Peter all of its horrors.
“And we’ve got quidditch, best sport in the entire world, nothing muggles can do can beat that!” James grinned.
“Do muggles even have sports?” Peter questioned.
“They do! Mary told me all about the summer she spent playing football with her neighbors.” I explained.
“Football?” James asked.
“I think you just kick a ball with your feet, hence the name.” I said, I had no idea if this was true but it seemed like the only logical answer.
“Only one ball?” Peter looked disgusted “how boring.”
“I don’t know if there’s only one ball, I’ve never actually played the game!” I said defensively. Peter was practically family but that didn’t mean that he never got on my nerves. He never tried to understand muggles or anything that he deemed below a wizard, it was annoying.
“I think half-bloods are the luckiest. They grow up with both worlds, they learn things from both wizard and muggle. How cool would that be, to be talented in both life’s?” James spoke in awe as if wondering what would happen if one of our parents were a muggle. I think we would’ve lived closer to a muggle population and we would learn for muggle things but we would also have magic game nights and shop at diagon alley. The whole idea seemed nice and comfortable, like you got to pick and choose which part of muggle and wizard you wanted. The only one with that lifestyle that I knew was Marlene thought she seemed to favor the muggle side than wizard. Remus was a half blood but he grew up in the muggle world thinking he was a muggle.
“What would you pick? I think I’d pick radios or record players from the muggle world.” I told James.
“I’d like to drive a car, Remus told me that muggles have these machines to get around in. It’s like the knight bus but smaller and you have to drive it. It’s also on the ground so it’s nothing like flying.” James looked proud for knowing this information of muggle life.
“I think flying is cooler.” Peter disagreed, he was really getting on my nerves. I rolled my eyes at him. The more I thought of it, the more I thought James was right. Maybe we were missing out on things not knowing muggle life. Maybe I should be head over heels that Mary snuck a telly into our room. Maybe I would be more impressed by magic if I hadn’t grown up with it. It seemed like such a silly idea, to want your life to have happened differently. I needed to think more about this, but every time I tried I felt like I was being suffocated by my own thoughts. My head started to feel fuzzy and I couldn’t pick out what Peter was really saying. I also didn’t care much about him right now.
“I’m going to go take a walk.” I announced getting up, that idea immediately made me feel better.
“What the cloak? It’s after hours so you may get caught!” James sounded concerned for me, it felt quite nice.
“I’m ok.” I said and I left before he could protest any longer.
I had no idea where I would walk to, but I really didn’t care. My feet took my around the castle as my thoughts occupied my mind. I kept thinking about ways my life could be different if I were more muggle-like. My mum would be a muggle and she would be a doctor not a healer. Or my dad would be a muggle and work for the government instead of the ministry. My brother and I would go to a muggle school before Hogwarts and learn muggle subjects. We would know muggle history just like we would know wizard history. We would have a muggle neighborhood with muggle friends that we would have to lie to saying we go to a muggle boarding school and not a magic one.
I felt so guilty wanting to change my life. My parents were the best parents in the world, they had given me everything they had taught me everything I ever wanted to know. They were perfect, I had nothing in my life to complain about. I had no right to wanting my background to change when it has been so wonderful. Sirius had the right to complain, to want everything to change but not me. I had nothing to justify my want for a muggle life. So what if I didn’t always understand what my friends were talking about, they always explained it to me. So what if muggles have cool things, so do wizards.
“Miss Potter.” I jumped to see Professor Mcgonagal standing behind me. How she snuck up on me I had no idea, she was very tall and wore an even taller hat. She wore some kind of heels that her steps made a soft clink wherever she went.
“What are you doing out so late?” She asked me, but I couldn’t think of a clear answer to that. I was out late because James had put the idea in my head that we didn’t have a complete childhood since we grew up as full wizards and not as muggles. I also felt out of place because all my friends loved the smuggled in Telly in our dorm and I didn’t understand the point of it. But I couldn’t exactly tell this to Mcgonagal, what would she say? What would she do? Would I get everyone in trouble? So many thoughts entered my head that I blurted out:
“Professor are you a half blood?” She and I looked equally shocked at my question, how dare I? Who was I to ask that kind of question? It wasn’t my business! I didn’t need to know. “I am so sorry.” My eyes were wide open, I assumed the next words out of her mouth would be detention. I would have gotten detention before James this year and then the how world would explode just from tonight!
“Miss Potter are you alright tonight?” She asked me, her voice was so calm and caring. I tried to hide my shock and just answer the question.
“It’s just that- it’s just- I just feel like I’ve missed something. Everyone knows about muggle inventions and all that then there’s me and James who haven’t got a clue. Then James says we’re missing out but you never know that your missing out until everyone is five steps ahead of you looking back with pity like you’ve spent your whole life missing the most important detail and here you are empty handed when world is ready to collect!” I had to catch my breath, I spoke so fast in one breath that I was sure Professor Mcgonagal caught none of that. I looked up to find her nodding understandingly, she didn’t look at me with pity more like she was conversing with a mutual.
“Miss Potter, Hazel, as your peers may be familiar with the muggle world, you are just as familiar with the world of wizardry. Last year when everyone was knew this is how they felt. You, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, and Mr. Pettigrew all knew more about witchcraft than they thought they ever could. As scary as that must have been for them, they learned about wizardry and are their way to becoming very talented wizards. You can and should further your knowledge to learn about muggles and their history. It is never too late to learn.”
I absorbed her words like a sponge. To spoke to me effortlessly and kindly. She didn’t try to yell at me for freaking out on her or for being out of Gryffindor tower. I couldn’t express the gratitude I felt for her in that moment.
“Thank you Professor, I should probably get back to the dormitories now.” I said shyly.
“Indeed, I will see you tomorrow Miss Potter, and remember, my door is always open to anyone who needs.” She smiled softly, she had a very nice smile. I realized there was a reason she was in charge of a whole quarter of the students, she really did care about all of us. Even if she didn’t always show it.