“You’re getting worked up, I see.”
TW: toxic relationships, hitting [im sorry], references to past emotional and physical abuse by ex-parents and ex-partners, sexual abuse, suicidal thoughts, references to self harm, manipulation.
𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:
James knew it was a trap as soon as Jace stepped foot into the kitchen.
And truly honestly James’ original plan was to completely ignore Jace’s existence but then he had started talking.
He knows what James is most afraid of and that is exactly where he was aiming his hits.
“You can’t keep ignoring me, Jay ”
James became hyper aware of the nickname just as memories flashed through his mind.
He remembered the necklace that Jace had gotten him for their three months’, the one with ‘jay’ written on it surrounded by hearts.
They had both called eachother ‘Jay’.
And then two years after their break-up, Peter – not knowing that it was a sensitive topic – had called him Jay, and had then immediately apologised after seeing the look on James’ face.
James knew that Jace knew that James must hate it now, that it must be a sensitive topic so James pointedly ignored him again.
“I bet you won’t be able to ignore me when your precious little Starshine-” James scowls, how does he even know about the name, his brain answers the question, an answer he hates but knows that it’s correct, Regulus. “-comes to you, bloodied and crying.”
Images flash through James’ mind.
He’s had enough nightmares to know exactly how Regulus would look bloodied and crying in his own arms.
The images bring a fresh pain in his heart and new tears arise in his eyes.
Instantly he feels bad, because Peter and Kyle spent so long doing his homework and here he was ruining it not even an hour later.
“You think what I did to you was bad? All i did was tie you up James, i can do so much worse” James is aware of the smirk playing on Jace’s face as well as the tears which are now falling freely down his face.
He really wants to say something and it is taking everything in him to not slam Jace into the wall and punch him until he forgets how to fucking eat.
James just turns and faces him, hands curling in fists.
“Ahhh” Jace coos, “you’re getting worked up, i see.”
Jace walks towards James at an exceedingly slow speed, working through his sentence as he walks, “and you’ll blame yourself, won’t you? You know he wouldn’t be getting hurt, had you never broken up with me.”
Jace is just two steps away now.
James hears himself whispering “please stop” but Jace just shakes his head.
“When I'm done with him, he’ll have more scars than any of his clothes can hide, and what will you do about it? Huh?” he asks, a pleased smile on his face.
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, his mind yells, or so he thinks.
Instead somehow it’s his lips that formed those words and his vocal cords that created the sound.
“I really wanna fucking slap you right now.” Regulus says, his eyes as blank as James had ever seen them.
The ever-existent storm of different hues of blues and greys which had always been there in his eyes, which always mesmerised James to no extent were blank.
Regulus could ask him to do anything and James would do it without thinking even once .
And as someone who has known Regulus for nearly five years, lived with him for two knows that Regulus needs to vent his anger.
James once took him to an anger room and they had spent an entire afternoon breaking and throwing things.
And right now Regulus wants to slap James to vent his anger.
Honestly speaking James had never thought that Regulus would ever be a violent person considering the physical abuse he had faced in his house, by none other than his dearest Mother.
James may be surprised but if that's what Regulus wants that’s what he gets.
And so James says, “Go on”
Despite telling him to do it, despite knowing that he usually needed to vent his anger, James still did not expect Regulus to actually do it.
Now, it probably would’ve been fine , ‘cause James has taken punches to his face as well, it would have been fine had Regulus not been wearing that damn ring.
This particular ring was one that Regulus constantly complained about because it was one that was adjustable and the adjustable thingies of it were slightly out turned. Which means that when Regulus slapped him, the pointy thingy cut through James’ skin, it must’ve gone quite deep as he feels trickles of warm blood run down his face mixed with his own tears.
James doesn’t even care about the stinging pain in his right cheek. What he truly cares about is how spooked Regulus looks at the moment, his eyes wide as they travel from the gash on James’ face to his own hand where his ring has a few drops of blood on it.
A sick sick part of himself loves the fact that Regulus is looking at his own hand like that , as though he’d like to chop off his own hand.
Another part of himself wants to wrap his arms around Regulus despite knowing that if Regulus lost the little amount of consciousness he has left towards James he would probably take a knife out of the drawer and bury it deep inside JAmes’ chest.
Another part of himself wants to bury a knife inside his own chest because he knows, that part of him knows , that Regulus isn’t angry at himself for hurting James, rather for hurting someone . Because that part of him knows that had Regulus not gone through the physical, emotional and mental pain caused by Walburga he’d be looking at James wearing a proud smirk.
James turns around and takes out a couple of tissue papers from the box lying on the shelf and without looking at either of them he walks out of the kitchen pressing the tissues against the cut.
He goes into the bathroom in his room and looks for the bottle of antiseptic he keeps in there to tend to his cuts.
He finds it in the very back of the bathroom cupboard. He picks up the bottle and puts a hefty amount on a cotton swab and then drags it over his cut, not even closing his eyes having gotten so used to the slight burn of the antiseptic.
He looks around for a bandage but cannot find one big enough for the cut, it’s fine he thinks because as his mom always says that a wound needs to be out in the fresh air to be able to dry up and heal properly.
All James wanted right now was to get out of the apartment.
He tries not to think of anything that happened and instead calls Remus who picks up as soon as James presses the call button which means that Sirius must not be home.
“Hello Remus,”
“Hello to you too James”
“You free?”
“I- yes, are you okay”
James considers lying for a moment but finds that he really does not have the energy to lie and pretend in front of the people he cherishes more than the entire universe.
“No, i’ll explain when i’m over”
“ See you.”
“You too, love you, bye”
“Love you too Prongs, drive safely.”
James hums in response before cutting the call, grabbing his keys and exiting, he can't stand one more minute in this apartment.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓡𝓮𝓶𝓾𝓼:
As soon as James enters Remus wraps his arms around James.
Remus doesn’t know what happened back at James’ apartment but he knew that James had been crying which had worried Remus because he knew that Peter had just been over at his house an hour prior, but he also knows that James was feeling very sad before because that’s what Lily told him and that they should try and cheer him up.
And so Remus had asked Peter to go because it just kind of felt right?
And now with the way James is clinging to him, Remus wants to go and murder Jace and beat the living shit out of Regulus.
Remus had been the first person that Regulus had opened up to, they had bonded over their love for reading and their natural sarcastic and cold demeanour.
That’s one thing that Remus had noticed about Regulus that he tended to bond with people who he shared interests with and Remus had also noticed that he does this subconsciously.
So when he and James slowly became friends and then best friends, naturally Remus looked in as to what single attribute did they both share and after some digging he had found that they both tended to hide what they were truly feeling.\
After that Remus had become hyper aware of the way James hid everything that happened inside of his head. How sometimes he’d screw his eyes shut for just a moment, how sometimes when you spoke to him he’d look confused for a millisecond before – seemingly having sorted through his thoughts – agreeing to whatever it is that you had asked of him, Remus noticed the concealer that he applied under his eyes, Remus saw the way he would beat himself up for losing even a mark in a test that probably wouldn’t even matter in two years, Remus noticed every single thing now, he notices the spark in James’ eyes dimming every single day and wonders how he had been so blind before.
James pulls apart and Remus notices the way his eyes have a glass coating of sorts on them, holding back tears and it pains Remus that James thinks he has to hide them but he also has a feeling that James wouldn’t like having them pointed out.
Remus also notices the gash on James’ cheek, which Remus guesses is what he has come to talk about.
“Is Pads home?” asks James looking around, though it seems that he already knows the answer to the question.
“No, what did you wanna talk about?” Remus asks, getting straight to the point.
“Regulus slapped me.” he says in a voice so small and heartbroken that it tears Remus’ heart into pieces.
Regulus Black, who Remus had been so sure loved James, slapped him.
Regulus Black the person who used to curl up with James during movie nights, slapped him.
Regulus Black who one told a teacher to fuck off because she thought that Sirius shouldn’t wear a skirt, slapped James.
Regulus Black who would die protecting some book characters, slapped James.
Regulus Black who hated violence, slapped James.
Remus is heartbroken for James but more than that he is the angriest he has ever been because no one hurts James, not James who has done nothing wrong yet has gone through the worst of lifetimes.
James who has spent his entire life picking up the pieces of those who he loves and holding them together until they can do it on their own and even the he himself takes most of the weight.
James who is so selfless that he would and has given up something he has wanted for ages just for someone who has the slightest desire for it.
James who opens his heart to everyone and trusts them not to break it.
James who has had his heart beat up more than anyone whether it be directly or indirectly.
James who has spent his entire life loving and making sure none of the people he loves gets hurt, had his heart ripped to shreds by he who James loves the most.
Who James loves so much that he still would drive daggers in himself just to be sure that he is happy, no matter that James is hurting, no, anything to see him happy.
Anything to see Regulus Arcturus Black happy.
“Don’t tell Sirius” James says quietly, which makes Remus’ head snap towards him because Remus knows and he also knows that James knows that he knows, Remus knows that Sirius would go and bite Regulus’ head off if they found out that Regulus had hurt James.
Their James.
Sirius’ James.
Remus’ James.
Peter’s James.
James who devoted himself to so many people, who loved so many people, who gave, gave, and gave yet never complained of not getting aloud.
Sirius would be more mad at the fact that Regulus has hurt someone who loved him so fiercely, Regulus who has hurt someone the same way Walburga did.
And even now as James sits here, heartbroken and mentally, emotionally torn, he still wants what's best for the boy he loves and his best friend.
James is asking Remus to keep this a secret so if they try and make up, Sirius will have to forgive Regulus for not so big things because Remus and James both know that hurting someone that Sirius loves is something they have never forgiven anything for.
All Remus can do is nod, nod in confirmation, nod in understanding, nod in reassurance, just nod .
“You know him slapping me didn’t even hurt, what hurt was the fact that he slapped me.” James his eyes heavy with sadness and Remus can’t even begin to fathom how James feels, because had it been Sirius who had done this to Remus he wouldn’t have been able to stand up.
For the nth time in his life Remus sends a fuck you to the fates or whoever it is incharge of the universe, however for the first time he’s doing it for James, for the boy who once shone brighter than the sun but now here he’s dimmer than than a flittering light bulb.
He sends a fuck you to all those who have destroyed, intentionally or accidentally, consciously or subconsciously or unconsciously, he sends a fuck you to all those who have even so much as tried to hurt this boy, but most of all he sends a fuck you to Regulus a boy loved by the the boy who loves like no else, who loves with everything inside himself, who loves with everything he had, has and will ever have, who loves with everything in him, he sends a fuck you to Regulus because he had the Sun in its purest for and took advantage of it.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓢𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓾𝓼:
Sirius knew that something was wrong as soon as they entered their and Remus’ apartment.
They saw the way both James and Remus were sitting close together and immediately understood that something was wrong.
Their theory of course was just proven right when they saw the way James’ shoulders were tense.
Sirius has known this man for nearly half their life and are not blind, in these years they have found out exactly how to pinpoint the time when he lies, so when Sirius asks James of he cut on his face and he says that he cut it while cutting vegetables, apparently he had forgotten he was holding a knife which is plain bullshit because James is the most careful person with a knife, making sure no one, not himself nor anyone around himself gets hurt.
Sirius knows that James goes to different people for different things. They know this and respect it which is why they find that no part of themself is jealous or angry about the fact that he evidently told Remus about whatever it is that was bothering him but instead Sirius finds a warm and fuzzy feeling inside them, and a feeling that can only be described as happiness to know that their best friend has finally started opening up to all of them.
It has been decided that Sirius will go over to James’ tomorrow to work on a song with him because James said that he really wanted to do a duet first with Sirius and then one with everyone else as well which makes Sirius feel very warm and fuzzy. They’ll probably go over and brainstorm ideas fuck around, play and all that jazz but most of all they will see all that’s happening – which he of course doesn’t mention to James – and how bad it is and then will relentlessly try and convince James to stay somewhere else for a bit, they don’t care if they have to carry him by his feet because he refuses to leave.
“James–” starts Remus, obviously trying to use his special power to try and convince James
“No. You guys don’t– you guys don't know okay? You guys don’t know the things he can do and I just– I just want to be sure that nothing happens, okay?” Sirius watches sadly as James takes in a laboured breath, “I can’t let him–” he screws his eyes closed like he was revisiting a memory which particularly stung, “I can’t let him do that to Regulus”
And in turn both Remus and Sirius just nodded because they both knew that they knew very little of the things that Jace has done to James, things which still haunt him to this day.
Oh that fuck arse should be thankful to the one person who decided that murder was inethical and made it illegal cause merlin knows that if it weren’t Jace would be chopped up into tiny pieces, scattered across the earth and Sirius would proudly hold the bloody sword.
“Alright lads, i best be off to the apartment.” said James, getting up and smacking a kiss on Remus’ cheek – which earned him a shove aimed at his shoulder – before he proceeds to come over and fucking sit on Sirius and just lies on top of them, so Sirius being who they are just gets up and James falls off as Sirius and Remus start laughing quite a bit, together.
“You fucking arse, i hate you” declares James getting up and brushing his clothes but he is clrearly trying – and failing – to contain a smile.
Sirius feels so proud of themself for making James smile and making his eyes twinkle again.
As soon as James leaves Remus turns to them, his eyes full of fear and says, “he- Sirius he said apartment”
It doesn’t take more than a mere two seconds for realisation to dawn upon Sirius because they know what that means and they now know that even James doesn’t feel safe in his own bloody home.
James has always called neary every place he lives at or someone he loves lives at ‘home’.
They used to tease him relentlessly for it until one day he explained and Sirius still remembers his exact words;
“A home isn’t built up with bricks and cement, that a house, an apartment, or a bloody building, an actual home is built upon love, care and the feeling of safety amongst its habitants, it can be a cardboard box or the most extravagant mansion there is, as long as you feel safe, loved and cared for. So any place i feel all those things at is my home”
So naturally when one day Sirius had called James asking where he was and he had replied with “coming home” and then when he arrived at Sirius and Remus’ place, Sirius hugged James so hard and tight, bursting into tears and poor James didn’t even know what was happening yet he still held on just as tight to Sirius, he’s always been like that, comforting without asking questions. And then when Remus had arrived, Sirius had moved from James to him and then promptly explained it all to him who then explained it to James, and then they were all just a mess of tears and smiles.
So now when he realises that James doesn’t feel safe, comforted, loved, or cared for in his own bloody space they know they have to do something about it.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓡𝓮𝓰𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼:
As soon as Jace left Regulus rushed to his room and threw the ring away, he threw it in the dustbin hoping to never see it again.
Life has gotten so complicated, sure he meant to hurt James but draw blood Merlin no.
He had gotten so scared after seeing the tears on James’ face mix with the blood running down his cheeks and he had felt so utterly disgusted with himself, though Jace told him that he was proud of Regulus.
Regulus wondered how Jace could be proud of him for doing such a horrid thing, how anyone could be proud of someone for doing it.
But he threatened your boyfriend, weakly argues a small voice in the back of his head.
After James had left Jace had captured Regulus’ lips with his own, without any kind of warning and then had tried to push his tongue in his mouth.
As much as they had kissed, they had never made out.
And since Regulus didn’t want to, he pushed away which seemed to have angered Jace.
“Regulus” he had said in a voice so stern that for a fleeting moment he reminded Regulus of Walburga, “why don’t you make out with me?”
Regulus didn’t really have an answer to that besides that he didn’t want to, which he felt wouldn't be a much appreciated answer.
“Surely it’s not because I disgust you, is it?” asked Jace, one eyebrow raised as though he was daring Regulus to say yes.
Regulus swallowed thickly, “n-no,”
“Then? Do you not want me? I can leave” Jace mumbled the last part in such a heartbreaking voice that it tore Regulus’ heart.
But no. Regulus did want Jace, of course he did.
So he pushed forwards, laying his hips on Jace’s and then reluctantly opening his mouth.
Why he hadn’t been able to do it, he doesn’t know because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with your boyfriend?
It was.
So why did it feel so wrong?
Not knowing what to do, he decided to call Remus, someone Regulus could always trust and confide in.
“Regulus.”
“Hi Remus, I–”
“What the fuck do you want?”
The coldness in Remus’ voice drove daggers through Regulus’ heart.
“Remus? What’s wrong?”
His question is followed by a malicious, cold and humourless laugh.
“How to you even have the fucking audacity to ask me what’s wrong?” begins Remus, “James told me Regulus, he told me what the fuck you did. I honestly would have expected better from you, for all you go on and on about hating Walburga and Orion and not wanting to be anything like them, you fucking slap the person who has held you as you went through hell and worse?”
“He threatened Jace!” yells Regulus, exasperated. He’s so fucking tired of everyone making him or Jace the villain, does nobody ever consider that maybe James isn’t a fucking godsent angel?
“Oh- ‘he threatened Jace’” mocks Remus “because the James you have known for nearly five fucking years, your fucking best friend would do that to just anyone, no because the James we’ve all known for years spends his free time threatening people does he not?”
He’s gotten this same lecture from two other people and he was getting fucking tired of it.
“Did it ever cross your minds that the sun doesn’t shine out of James’ arse, that maybe he’s not this fucking god you guys have made him out to be, that maybe he’s been abusing the fact that you guys trust him to get away with so much stuff, stuff that he still manages to get away from? That never crossed your minds did it? I’d expect Sirius to be gullible, latching onto the first sign of hope he got but you, Remus, i expected better of you.”
Regulus can practically feel Remus’ anger through the phone, because he hit exacty where he knows Remus’ weak spot is.
He insulted Sirius.
“God– i can’t even fucking recognize you, i hope that when Jace is done with you he leaves you in fucking pieces” snarls Remus before abruptly ending the call.
Regulus lays face down on his bed and lets out a muffled scream.
Less than two weeks ago he had the life of his dreams and now everything is falling apart.
And for the first time in ages he falls asleep crying and cold without James’ arms around him to offer him comfort.
End of Chapter 8 :D (don’t hate me)