You Make My Sun Shine, Starshine

TW: explicit mentions of scars and past abuse, mentally and physically abusive relationships are mentioned, sexual assualt explained.

𝓢𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓾𝓼:

Sirius walked into James’ apartment using their key.

A part of Sirius nearly vomits at the sight of Jace and Regulus wrapped around each other on the couch. 

Another part of them is sad because they remember making fake disgusted sounds when they saw Regulus with his head in James’ lap. They are so used to seeing them like that, scrolling on their phones or laughing while James ran his fingers through Regulus’ hair.

Now Regulus and Jace are sitting together on the sofa and James is probably in his room, a place where he only used to go to to sleep. The fact that James practically lives inside his room now is such heart wrenching knowledge for Sirius.

Sirius makes their way to James’ room, not greeting either of the jackarses.

They knock on James’ door just in case he’s topless because Sirius knows how much James hates showing his bare upper body and they might have an idea why but it hurts, it physically pains them to think about what James is probably hiding under the fabric of his clothes.

Sirius wonders how much trouble they would get into if they were to grab a knife from the kitchen and bury it deep inside Jace’s chest.

Though before they’re able to act on it he hears James’ soft voice call out for them to enter.

Sirius enters and his breath slightly hitches at the sight before him.

The area beneath James’ eyes is dark and his hair is severely dishevelled as though he has been running his hands through it continuously which is quite expected since he tends to do that when he’s stressed but the fact that it’s Regulus causing James to be so stressed makes Sirius’ blood boil.

His laptop is open, his headset lying beside and he is lying upside down face hovering over a notebook with pens and highlighters scattered around him.

Sirius immediately recognizes the notebook James is writing on.

He’s been writing a song.

Sirius always loved the way James wrote songs, he had a colour scheme which helped with singing the song, Sirius usually just scribbled shit down and then rewrote and rewrote it until they were satisfied with it, all in black pen.

Remus always wrote with a green pen from a specific company and then in parenthesis wrote exactly how you are supposed to write it. Peter the absolute perfect shit just writes each verse with a different coloured gel pens and he just knows how to sing it and he just writes the song once and then edits it and it's done.

Sirius makes his way over to James’ bed and sits down beside him.

“Y’know how every artist needs a muse, well i certainly found mine” the chuckle that follows out of James’ mouth is a weird mix of bitterness and sadness.

Sirius tries to ignore the jab they feel in their chest by James’ words because every artist does need a muse but James’ muse makes him sad, so fucking sad.

“How’ve you been?” asks Sirius.

“I wrote two songs” he replies and Sirius definitely notices the way James didn’t answer the question but instead strategically sidetracked from it.

Sirius worries about James in this regard. Every single time James always priorities others over himself, Sirius feels a surge of guilt run through him.

And when Regulus used to tell them that James had retired early one night, the next day Sirius would see him all smiley and happy and a part of them would break because what if he cried in his room, alone.

Once they told Regulus that James looked slightly down and that day instead of it being Regulus in James’ arms, they found James with his head in Regulus’ lap while Regulus combed his finger through James’ hair.

James’ eyes were closed and he looked like an angel – not a fallen angel – and angel who’d just come to the Earth for a visit, he looked peaceful.

Regulus had always been good at reading people, especially James, and had always used it to help James and make sure there were people there for him.

James used to be vulnerable around Regulus and now Regulus is hanging around the person who hurt James the second most in his life.

The first being Regulus.

When you trust someone with everything you have and they break it, the feeling that you get is indescribable, it’s worse than whatever you may imagine the world's greatest pain to be.

And it’s worse when it’s someone you love, a friend, you may be able to forgive but when it’s the owner of your heart, the one who awakens your soul, then it isn’t just your heart that breaks. It’s your soul, your hope, your entire being.

Everything in you is in fucking pieces.

Sirius knows because they’ve done it and they’ve seen Remus – the one who he lives and will die for – suffer because Sirius made a stupid, stupid, stupid mistake.

But the difference between Sirius and Regulus is that Sirius had no other choice but Regulus is doing it willingly, he’s hurting a pure loving heart willingly, he’s taking it and dragging it through Tartarus.

Regulus would be damn lucky if he found someone who would love him ¼th as much as James does because no one in this world can love like James does.

No one in this world can ever be deserving of the love that James gives.

It’s okay, it’s fine if Regulus doesn’t like James romantically because James won’t mind, he’ll still love Regulus with everything in himself until the day he dies, and he won’t mind it even if Regulus doesn’t look at him twice in his entire life.

But it’s not okay because Regulus is hurting James with his words and his actions, he’s doing everything in his power to hurt James and Sirius won’t stand for it.

Sirius meant it when he said that he won’t be there for Regulus when Jace left because they’ve all been warning and at this point he’s just digging his own grave, deeper and deeper as every second passes.

Sirius begins to rack through his mind to find something that will really help James and calm him down and make him happy.

Cooking.

Bingo!

James loves to cook and his Chicken Karahi is heavenly, it is probably the one thing he can make better than Effie and Effie’s food has ambrosia mixed in it, or so it seems.

“C’mon let’s cook, i desperately need your Chicken Karahi” Sirius says as they grab James’ hand to haul him up but he is so bloody heavy.

They are just about to make a joke stating just that but they stop when they catch a glimpse of James’ face.

James’ face is contorted in a painful expression, his eyes squeezed shut and before James can even open his mouth to say anything Sirius has already taken a step back.

Sirius himself is now a bit stressed because not once in his life has he seen such a panicked expression on their best friend's face.

But Sirius isn’t a fucking arse, they quickly recover and wrap their arms around James who all but melts into their arms.

“Not the kitchen, please Sirius.” he says in a desperate broken voice which is but a whimper.

Sirius doesn't know what happened in the kitchen but for someone to force James to go into the kitchen they’ll have to kill Sirius but they aren’t just going to die.

Sirius is stubborn like that.

They are especially stubborn when they’re protecting those who they love, and Remus may be their love but Sirius’ heart is James.

Sirius runs their hand up and down James’ back in a soothing gesture. 

Suddenly James takes a sharp breath and Sirius just tightens their hold on him. It takes him a while to calm down and Sirius gladly holds him through all of it.

“I’ll go to the kitchen and get you food, a little extra so you don’t have to go there at least for the day” 

Sirius will do everything in their power to make sure that James doesn’t go to the kitchen because they already know that James does not feel fucking safe in his own bloody apartment because of their douchebag brother.

𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:

The moment Sirius leaves James rubs his hands on his face. He has been avoiding the kitchen as much as he can, he even went out to eat today even though he never goes out for breakfast.

They should know and i’m not asking you to tell them right this instant but please tell them

Lily’s words ring through his head and he told himself that he’ll tell Sirius today. 

James loves all three of his friends so much but the bond that James and Sirius share is indescribable so James wants them to be the first to know.

Let them be there for you.

Regulus always compares James to the sun so one day James naturally wondered if he was the Sun who was his Icarus?

James’ Icarus was himself.

The himself that he kept hidden in the depths of his soul, hidden away from this world.

Whenever he’d help others and keep himself hidden he’d be fine but as soon as he’d let his inner self, the sad version of himself come to the surface, come close to the ‘sun’, people he loves or loved would leave and everytime it happened his inner self, his Icarus, would lose its wings – its freedom, its safety – and it’d fall and fall, it would fall from a great height into a sea of anguish and would drown in his sorrows.

He was the Sun and he was Icarus, he hurt himself and brought comfort to others.

He helped others stay afloat while he himself drowned.

He helped others take flight whilst his own wings were burning.

He helped others fly when he himself was falling.

He made others be proud of themselves while he remained insecure.

Another thing both he and Icarus had in common was the hope. The hope that they would be able to soar away from their prisons, the hope that James would be able to fly away from the confinements of his own mind.

But just as he gets close he falls, and he falls so damn hard it feels like he’s ending.

He’s falling right now too and not for the first time he wishes that he doesn't learn to swim while he drowns.

The sound of the door opening riddles James out of his mind.

Sirius enters holding multiple packets of crisps, three bottles of water and a few chocolates.

“You made Nihari? I’m gonna take some with me for Moony.” they say dumping everything on James’ bureau except for one packet of crisps and bringing it to the bed.

“The songs?” they ask, opening the packet and shoving like three in their mouth.

James could very well show him the songs and avoid talking about it but he told himself that today he will talk about it because if there's anyone in this world who loves and cares for Regulus more than James it’s Sirius.

“I kind of needed to show you something” James carefully said, as though his tongue was treading on knives.

He doesn’t even know why he’s scared. It’s Sirius they won’t judge him.

James turns a bit on the bed so that now his back is facing Sirius, “Lift my shirt” he tells them.

James can smell their hesitancy.

“James… Are you sure?” Sirius asks, and James loves them for that because they know that James doesn’t take off his shirt and has always been very respectful about it.

“Do it.” 

James feels his shirt being lifted up and up.

James can feel the anxiety starting to creep in when he feels a delicate touch on his bottom most scar.

And then James hears a small gasp from Sirius and James knows that they’ve noticed it.

The tattoo.

The one James finally got the courage to get two years after his and Jace’s breakup.

Small but evident right between his hip and the scar.

“James… When did you get this?” they ask.

James turns back around and he can already feel the tears threatening to spill. 

He looks at Sirius hoping to convey it to them, convey who did it.

 Sirius begins to shake their head and just pull James into their arms.

James goes without complaint because the only arms beside his parents’ in which he feels safe and at home are Sirius’.

And so he cries and he tells Sirius everything.

Everything

The first time, the second and the third.

(SA memory # 1)

James was laying down on the bed, Jace over him and in control of their kiss.

Jace’s arms roamed all over his body, pushing James into the mattress and forcing his tongue in James’ mouth.

A slight noise of protest left James’ mouth which Jace ignored and moved one of his hands under James’ hoodie while the other went to unzip his pants.

Pulling his face to the side James stopped the kiss and began to shake his head.

He wasn't ready.

He’s too young

He doesn’t want to.

Jace pulls up a bit and pins James down with a cold stare and an arm on his chest.

“You want to be a good boyfriend don’t you?” he asks and James nods, because he does, he really does.

He wants to be the best boyfriend because he knows that Jace could get anyone he wants but he really likes Jace and he wants him to stay.

“Then stay still” 

But James isn’t ready, it’s too soon for this.

James is being a bad boyfriend isn’t he? 

He should be glad that Jace is here spending time with him even though he has so many people he can go to instead.

James should be glad that it’s him underneath Jace and not the barista from the coffee shop he said was hot.

James should be glad it’s him and not that guy on the team that is always hitting on Jace, the one Jacealways flirts back with.

James doesn’t understand why Jace can flirt with other people but James can’t even say ‘i love you’ to Sirius but Jace asked him not to so he won’t.

For the first time but surely not the last James lays on the bed tears running down his face as he experiences something that he thoroughly wishes he didn’t.

(SA memory #2)

James wakes up, mind hazy.

He tries to turn around but his hands are tied tightly.

The last thing he remembers is Jace handing him a drink and him drinking it.

Jace handed him a drink.

A drink.

Within two seconds it all fits into place.

James isn’t a toddler, he’s aware of what must have been in that drink.

But Jace gave it to him and he wouldn’t hurt him.

Jace would never do anything to hurt him.

Jace likes James.

So, James stays where he is and lets Jace do whatever it is that he wants.

(PA memory)

James had done some research.

It wasn’t right. What Jace does to him isn’t right no matter what he says.

Why can’t he just understand the no that James gives him and be fine with it.

So now when Jace is standing in front of him ordering him to get on the bed he says ‘no’ with absolution.

“You’re saying ‘no’ to me” Jace growls and James rethinks saying it.

Instantly a battle is started in his brain, one side telling him that it’s his boyfriend, Jace won’t hurt him and the other telling him that James’ no should be enough.

So with the last bit of his courage James mutters a small ‘no’.

James is so sure that Jace loves him the way James does him so in no world could he have been prepared for what Jace does next.

Jace pushes James and James is not expecting him so he is thrown backwards as he collides with the edge of the bed.

He can feel the blood trickle down his back and in an instant Jace is beside him.

“Shh, shh. Baby you know i don’t want to hurt you.” he says in a sweet voice, slowly getting James up. “C’mon, Jay, let's get you to the hospital, it hurts, I know it hurts. You know I don't want to hurt you but when you are so difficult it has to be done okay?”

James knows that parents shouldn’t hurt their kids but maybe boyfriends can?

James shouldn't have said no to Jace, James has been a bad boyfriend and now Jace might leave him.

James doesn’t want Jace to leave so he goes to the hospital with Jace and then later lets Jace take care of him in whatever way he wants to.

(PA memory)

“I told you not to go with them!” 

“They’re my friends Jay, I haven't properly hung out with them in so long” James whimpered, he hated it when Jace got angry because then he’d hurt James and feel so bad about it.

James hated being someone who made Jace sad but he hadn’t hung around Sirius and Remus and Peter for so long he just really wanted to.

But Jace had told him not to and he still did it.

“Well I your fucking boyfriend wanted you to be with me, and i guess your mates are more important than i am, aren’t they?!” 

James shrunk back into himself, he could see the fire ablaze in Jace’s eyes and he hated himself when he lit the fire in Jace’s eyes.

Jace stalked over to him, standing less than a foot (⅓ metres) away from him and said in a dangerously low voice that made James shiver from head to toe, “go and fucking stay with your fucking friends then if they matter so much to you, so much more than I do” and then he pushed James harder than he ever had.

James’ back slid across the gas valve and this time James could feel that the cut was deep and that nobody would buy the bicycle story this time.

James took off his shirt and bundled it, pressing it to the cut.

“Get the fuck out of here” Jace sneered.

And it’s okay because James that Jace will come around but right now he really needs to get to the ER and he can’t even call a fucking cab.

“I’m gonna fucking kill that man” sneers Sirius and James shakes his head.

No.

No.

No.

“He has Regulus, we can’t do anything because he holds the person dearest to us in his arms and acts like he loves him.”

Because James knows how much it hurt when Jace hurt him, he can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like if Regulus was the one getting hurt.

Sirius is just about to say something when their phone starts ringing.

It’s a group call from Peter and Remus.

“Pick it up,” says James though he really does think that this is horrible timing.

But then again isn’t that all there is in James’ life.

So they pick up and Peter just starts talking no hello no hi nothing just talking.

“James, you’re with Sirius right?” In answer Sirius shifts the camera so that both they and James show on the screen.

“So i saw this Tik Tok this morning and i’ve contacted them and the video is kind of safe but it's all over the place and i don't know we made sure everyone knew not to record and i'm sorry but apparently your face wasn’t visible”

James honestly has no idea what Peter is talking about but there's no pause for James to state so and Peter is speaking too fast while James’ brain tries to keep up.

Luckily Remus cuts in, “Peter, deep breath.”

Peter chuckles a bit as he takes a huge breath – which Remus definitely did not mean when he said deep – while sending his best glare towards Remus through the screen.

It takes less than a second for them all to start laughing.

Remus is about to start talking, probably explaining what Peter was trying to whensirius cuts him off.

“We’ll chat later, okay? James and I were discussing something important.”

James loves Sirius because they understand him probably more than anyone does, James is sure that one half of their soul is the same.

One soul was created and split into two and then one half was put in James and the other in Sirius. The other half of their own soul are complementary to the others because even when they’re not the same they compliment each other in a way no two colours ever could. In a way no two flavours could. They are one the same in a different body, a slightly different mindset, different experiences but when together they fit better than any designed puzzle piece ever could.

James feels safe when he explains everything to Sirius and they comfort him.

When Lily or Evan used to comfort him he’d feel like he was being a burden even if they tried their very best to make sure that he didn’t feel that way but with Sirius the feeling doesn’t even try and show itself because James knows that Sirius would give their life for James and in return James would give up his life as well whatever came after it.

☾︎𑁍☽︎

𝓡𝓮𝓰𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼:

“But I want to go to the library” Regulus hates this back and forth he and Jace have been in.

Jace wants him to stay with him, while he wants to go to the library to fucking study.

“You didn’t want to go last time but i you went anyways, consider this as a payback” Jace explains and its makes absolutely no bloody fucking sense!

Yes, Regulus didn’t want to go last time but he wants to go this time and he needs to fucking study because he can’t as James for his help in his english assignments anymore.

Regulus leans forward to lightly peck Jace’s lips, “i really need to go to the library, cher(dear)”

Jace turns away from Regulus a bit, “fine go.” he nearly spits the word out and Regulus understands that tone.

Walburga used it which meant that if he were to even try and do the thing that she said he could do she would not be happy.

He doesn’t want Jace to be angry though because good boyfriends don’t make their boyfriends sad, and Regulus wants to be a good boyfriend.

Something James could never be.

He wants to be the better boyfriend though from what he has heard the line isn’t too fucking high.

Regulus wants to prove that even though he was close with James he is better than him.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll stay” he says and he watches in awe as Jace turns back towards him, a grin on his face.

He shoves the anxiousness of possibly not being able to finish his assignment on time or be able to do it properly, deep down because his boyfriend is happy and he should be happy as well.

He wants to be happy but how can he be happy when he hasn’t been able to properly hang out with his friends for two whole weeks.

How can he be happy when he misses James and the featherlight soothing touch of his in Regulus’ hair because even though he wasn’t his boyfriend James would always do that to Regulus.

But Jace never does it for him even though Regulus gives Jace head scratches whenever he asks, even though he always obediently opens his mouth for Jace when he tries to push his tongue in, whether Regulus wants it or not.

Is it too much to ask for Jace to just once play Tangled because Regulus likes it.

Is it too much to ask for him to be available for Regulus when he himself is always available for Jace.

But Regulus knows that Jace is busy and that he should be happy and be glad that Jace even has time to spend with Regulus of all people.

Regulus mentally berates himself for comparing Jace to James, when Jace is so sweet and lays with Regulus on the couch and kisses him and chose him while James fucked up said person.

No.

Jace is an angel who doesn’t deserve to be compared to anyone, least of all James.