I can’t do this
TW/CW: mentions of self-harm, depressive, suicidal and self deprecating thoughts.
(a/n please don't hate me -N)
𝓡𝓮𝓰𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼:
Out of all the people who have known Regulus there is only one person who has ever believed that he was wholly good.
That person is James.
Regulus remembers the first time James ever told him that.
Regulus and James were sitting around the table in James’ – their – kitchen.
Today it had been decided that Regulus would move in with James, he had expected for James to laugh in his and Sirius’ face when they were proposing the idea but all he had done was ask if Regulus needed any help with packing and moving.
That had been three days ago.
Now Regulus was sitting across James, after both of them had worked so much that they were sweating rivers.
“Why did you agree?” asked Regulus, and he could tell that the question takes James by surprise.
“Because I don't mind,” James replied quite bluntly.
Years later when Regulus looks back at the memory he wonders how much James has changed. Sure his physique, build and hair may have stayed the same. But now his eyes had darkened, like a man who had lived many lifetimes and seen it all, all the bad bits of this so-called wonderful world and so little of the good things.
His smile had changed, it had gone from being care free, wide and free to being tight and strained, his eyes now constantly had a dark shadow upon them.
Now sometimes he wonders how the boy who brightened others eyes was dimming his own.
But after all he had come to find out about him, maybe he did deserve it. Maybe he deserved having those eyes clawed out to not be able to see the beauty of the world when he left such horrid marks on others.
Even then he knew that James was changing, slowly but surely.
“I’m not good, James, I’m not who you guys want me to be, I’m not Sirius.” he had just quietly muttered the last part.
A smile came across James’ features as his eyes gleamed, the same way they always did when he was about to reassure someone.
“Well then it's a good thing that I, personally, don’t want you to be anything other than who you’d like to be, Starshine,” even then the nickname would make Regulus’ insides turn, probably annoyance. “There's no better you than the you that you are, Regulus, and as for not being Sirius, i don’t want you to be him, we’re all our own people and i think that the people who don't accept us like that arent worth our time, and they are certainly not worth your time. And Regulus you may not believe this, but you’re good, so good that even you don’t know. You are good as a whole no matter what others think or say and I’ll fight anyone who says you’re bad.”
Regulus felt tears flood his eyes and that night was the first time he was held by James Potter, the first time he fell asleep in his arms enveloped in eternal warmth.
He had been so innocent, thinks Regulus.
But had he really been so innocent or was he just such a great actor.
Regulus wonders whether James would still call him good right now.
Right now, when he's sitting next to Jace and has just messaged James to come out because Regulus needs to talk to him about something.
And because Regulus knows James and he knows that he will come, which is why as soon as he hears the sound of the door handle being pushed downwards Regulus turns arounds and starts kissing Jace.
He doesn’t care whether James thinks if Regulus is good or not, for why would he want to be known as good by an evil, vile man?
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:
It had been quite a few days since he had sung the song, and none of the pain hadn’t decreased.
He wonders which idiot came up with the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’ because James believes people close to him, James hears people out, James doesn’t listen to some fucking boyfriend who only sees you as a weapon, and James certainy doesn’t toss people he’s known for five fucking years away like they’re some piece of absolute fucking garbage.
He wonders how much he’ll have to give just to be able to get some back.
At times like these his brain comes up with those horrid horrid thoughts and whispers them to him, and he relishes in the pain.
He relishes in the pain because at least afterwards he doesn’t feel fucking ashamed with himself like he has been for the past few days.
Months and months and fucking MONTHS of work and all it took for more scars to arise on his chest was some boy giving him a blank stare.
But Regulus wasn’t just some boy, he’s everything to James, for whom he wouldn’t even hesitate for a heartbeat to claw his own heart out and cut it open to bleed himself dry, just for a millisecond of Regulus just looking at James.
Because now Regulus can’t even do that, five fucking years down the drain just for a fucking arse who will – inevitably – dump him in two fucking months and when he does James will be there for him, James will hold him, James will smile at him.
And then when James will be alone, he will cry, cry and cry.
James wonders that if it's this easy for the man he loves the most in the entire world to leave him, how much is he himself even worth? Surely not much.
In the end, James is nothing.
James’ love is nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nothing if it isn’t enough for people to stay for him.
James wonders if life for all those he loves ever so dearly would be easier if he were to simply cease to exist.
Surely they didn’t need him, didn’t want him.
He was after all just a waste of space as his brain ever so kindly kept on reminding him.
He had promised himself that he wouldn't blow up, he wouldn’t get angry at Regulus.
He promised himself that he'd be there for Regulus, it didn’t matter how much it hurts, anything to lessen Regulus’ pain by even a quarter of an ounce.
So when Regulus sent a message saying that he wanted to talk to James, he quickly pulled on a hoodie and crossed his room to reach the door.
He had been prepared for anything, really, but what he hadn’t been prepared for was for Regulus and Jace to be making out on the couch.
He felt tears rise to his eyes so he promptly went back inside, shutting his door.
Once inside he did the first thing he could think of; call Lily.
Out of all the people James knew, Lily knew the most of James’ thoughts and his need to sometimes die and she helped him.
She was a good help because she had herself been in a similar position before, but she had survived the Big Black Monster in her head.
And James admired her for it.
He laid on his bed, dialled Lily’s number and pressed the call button.
It had hardly rung twice before Lily picked it up, that's one thing he adored about her that she always had her phone near her.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Are you alone?” asked James, his voice coming out thick and his eyes barely containing his tears.
He heard her shuffling no doubt going to a quiet place where she could be alone, “James?”
Something in Lily’s voice made James break, he had already been holding together by barely a thread.
“Lily i can’t- i can’t do this, it’s so hard seeing him happy with Jace and- Lily, it hurts you know, so much because he is so convinced that i’m this evil person, b-but Lily i’m not, i swear i’m not. I- i don't hurt people, and i don’t force people to kiss me a- and i don’t get people drunk and then- then- then- i don’t- i don’t tie them up a- and-” a sob racks through his entire body and he feels the tears he was trying ever so hardly to contain start to spill out.
“James, stop.” says Lily, sternly. “I know that you don’t hurt people, I know you force people to- to do things, James I know you. You’re torturing yourself over there, please go to Sirius’ place. They should know and i’m not asking you to tell them right this instant but please tell them, and if not just please let them be there for you, and if for whatever reason you’re mind doesn't want you to go there, please come to mine”
James feels himself start to shake his head even though she can’t see him, “Lily I- i can’t leave him, what if he needs me a- and im not here. Lily, he could chop me into pieces and I’d sew myself together to help him. What if Jace tries something and i- fuck, what if i’m not here. I don’t want him to go through anything I did.”
“James, James, James, James. You have got to stop doing this, when will you put yourself first? I need you to put yourself, Jace will hurt him and when he does then only you can be there for him because right now you’re hurting yourself, you’re torturing yourself. You know it pains us all when you’re so nice to others but so mean to yourself. All of us were fucked up somehow – or atleast we thought we were – but you, James, you told us we weren’t and you showed us we weren’t. None of us would be where we are right now had it not been for you. And perhaps you forget it, maybe your brain doesn’t let you believe it, but James you are so so valuable to all of us just please remember that, always and please consider what i said.”
James finds himself muttering an agreement, he values Lily’s opinion so much because she knows so much about James she knows some of his worst parts, after Evan she probably knows the most about his relationship with Jace.
“Tell me a story, Lils, please”
And as Lily begins to tell him about her and Mary’s first date he finds his eyelids start to get heavy and slowly, but surely he falls asleep.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
James wakes up to slight knocking on his door, he gets up to go and get it and is surprised to see it’s Peter and Kyle holding a shit ton of makeup.
“I-umm Heyyy” he says unsurely.
“Hey” Peter replies before pushing into James’ room and dumping all the make-up on his bed.
James steps aside to let Kyle inside and smiles, “come in”
He is so bloody confused and his brain is foggy because he just woke up.
“Ummm Wormy? You know i adore you but what the actual fuck is going on”
“Well my best friend is sad and i have my wonderful partner here who is even better at makeup than i am so we’re gonna glam you up Jamsie boy”
James scrunches his nose, absolutely disgusted by the nickname, “Why must you create a new nickname for me every time you talk to me”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about my strawberry Jam” said Peter smirking which drew a gagging voice out of James’ mouth and a laugh from Kyle’s.
“You are insufferable Peter.” said Kyle, still chuckling and their eyes glinting, before turning towards James and holding out a hand which James promptly shook, “i don’t believe we’ve met, i’m Kyle and you must be TheJames Potter”
James chuckles, “i think James is fine, though i do go by Jesus and Lord as well, i'm your guy to hit up for embarrassing Peter stories”
They laughed quietly and James saw the way their eyes went soft when they looked over at Peter, and the way they smiled so fondly.
“Your pronouns?” askes Kyle and gosh James was so surprised because people don't usually ask that question, it really needs to be asked more which is why James never uses specific pronouns for anyone until he knows for sure.
“He, him. Yours?”
“They, them” they replied before clapping their hands, “okay so i think with you i’d like to do some natural eye makeup, perhaps a bit of colour in the inner eye corner and eyeliner.”
James stared at them and then at Peter when he nodded along, “go rinse your face James” says Peter before turning around and rummaging through the mess on his bed.
Now, James didn’t want to wash his face.
He had purple eyebags beneath his eye and he just really did not want to show Peter.
He’s just about to tell Peter to start just like this but Lily’s voice rings through his head.
“Pete, come with me for a moment,” he says and adds please so that he can’t just deny it.
The marauders made this rule a while ago that whenever any of them said please the others would have to agree to whatever they were asking for but they could not misuse it.
Peter follows him into the bathroom, “i- can’t wash my face right now, okay? I’ll tell you guys soon but please don’t make me wash my face.” his voice cracks towards the end.
“James, you just have to say no. That’s enough for us” Peter smiles and leaves, James can tell that he wants more information and James will give it to him soon.
That’s enough for us
How is James supposed to tell them that James isn’t used to his ‘no’ being enough.
It's kind of funny how years have passed and he still doesn’t feel safe, hasn’t in a long and doesn't imagine that he will anytime soon.
Not really that funny, but-
No.
He won't think about this when he’s around people he loves, he can’t and he won't.
He walks out and is immediately pushed down on a chair as they both start to work on his face.
He has probably been sitting there for half an hour when the both step back.
“I’d probably ask you out if i wasn’t taken” remarks Kyle, “no offence.” they add turning towards Peter.
“None taken, though I probably would too.” adds Peter with a soft chuckle.
“Pete, my love, that’s incest” James adds with a few ‘ew’s
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓡𝓮𝓰𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼:
“What’s going on in your brain?” asks Jace, though not softly.
Regulus simply shakes his head, not wanting to share that maybe James had actually changed and repented for his past mistakes?
Maybe he wasn’t as bad as he had been before.
Because as far as Regulus can remember, his friends treat him with care and respect, Sirius does with protectiveness but James treats him like he’s glass.
He has always been kind and soft with Regulus.
Could he really be an abuser?
Regulus was having second thoughts.
“You know when you’re around your boyfriend, you spend your time making him feelgood and not spend your time brooding.” he says sharply, causing Regulus to flinch.
Regulus mumbles a sorry, “I’ve just been thinking you know?”
Jace merely hums, asking Regulus to continue with a bored and unimpressed expression on his face.
“Maybe you and James might be able to get along now, y’know i think he’s changed since you knew him – for the better – if he says sorry don’t you think you’d be able to forgive him.”
Jace’s eyes go hard and he lets out a humourless laugh and then speaks in a tone that makes Regulus feel like an ant waiting to be squished, “trust me, people like that do not change” when Regulus is about to protest, Jace fixes him with a pointed look and continues, “but if you want, leave us in a room alone and it wont take him any more than two minutes to try and kill me”
Regulus shakes his head but still agrees.
There’s no way James would do that.
He wouldn’t.
Not his James, not the Sunshine he’s known for half a decade.
So that's how not even an hour later he’s standing outside the kitchen.
James had walked into the kitchen a while ago and Jace had followed while Regulus stayed out.
He knew that Jace was speaking metaphorically when he said five minutes but Regulus still had his eyes on the clock.
Time passes.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes.
Most people think that as a minute passes, the minute hand ticks forward. While in reality it’s always moving little by little until it reaches the next bar.
“I’m telling you, Sunshine, it doesn’t just tick forward,” Regulus said with a fond roll of his eyes.
“Well I’m telling you, Starshine, that you are absolutely bonkers.”
Regulus huffs out a breath and gets off of the sofa and makes his way to the clock, which he absolutely can not reach, not in this lifetime.
He pretends to ignore James’ laugh as he grabs a stool to stand on and reach the clock.
He brings it back to the sofa and puts it on his lap.
“Look closely, Sunshine”
James, the absolute fuck-arse brings his face so close to the clock, meaning that its close to his lap as well.
Regulus has to take his deep breath to stop himself from forming fantasies of James’ face being this close to his lap and something else.
One minute must’ve passed because James’ face is now right next to his and Regulus has to stop himself from blushing.
“You’re right, smart-arse” James whispers the last part before picking up the clock and going to put it up.
Regulus quickly puts a pillow where the clock was, he’s definitely not hiding anything.
Regulus finds himself smiling from the memory, as a wave of happiness washes over him.
The happiness is short lived as he hears a loud voice, no doubt James’.
“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU” is what he hears.
And Regulus, oh Regulus sees red.
He storms into the kitchen and makes his way to James.
How fucking dare he?
“How fucking dare you?” Regulus shoves at James, shoulder so unlike all those playful touches that they used to share not even a week back.
“Who gave you the fucking right to talk to my boyfriend like that, you’re such and absolute fucking arse, i can’t even believe i was ever friends with a perpetrator like you!” Regulus says shoving him again.
James is looking at him with such a weird expression, and Regulus can see the black tear tracks on his face, and his eyes which Regulus once used to be mesmerised by, are those which he wants to stick knives into.
Regulus is just so fucking mad.
He doesn’t care that this is the first time he’s seen James properly cry, he doesn’t care that his pupils look pretty surrounded by blue eyeshadow.
He is fucking enraged.
Who the fuck does he even think he is?
Regulus is not a violent person, in fact he hates violence. Maybe that because of all the trauma his mother put him through or maybe just because.
But while James’ face used to look inviting, and kissable, right now Regulus can only think of how fucking punchable he looks.
“I really wanna fucking slap you right now.” says Regulus, with pure malice.
“Go on”