Charmspeak
TW/CW: reference to sexual assault, toxic relationships are mentioned as well domestic violence and scars and self harm.
𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:
Someone who actually deserves love, unlike James.
See, James wasn’t eavesdropping. He really wasn’t.
James’ mood had already lowered considerably after just seeing Jace and then that bastard had taken his spot as well, like he didn’t even need it AND THEN HE HAD SPOILED THE ENTIRE MOVIE.
So you see, James wasn’t the most cheery person at the time and it just- everything it hurt, it hurt so much. It hurt so much seeing the person he loved so much and for so long cuddled up with the person who had so often made him black and blue.
Seeing him with the person who made James leave back all the confidence he had and seeing him with the person who had made James’ life hell for months.
Seeing him with the person who had made James insecure, seeing him with the person who had forced James into things he didn’t want to do, things he wasn’t ready to do.
Seeing him with the person who had made James second guess everything he did, make him hate himself and make him feel unworthy.
Seeing Regulus happy with the person who had left scars on James, everlasting reminders of not being enough.
With the person who had been the primary reason for James to leave scars on himself too.
With Jace, because of whom James was scared shitless to get drunk.
It hurt so much.
But what hurt more was that James knew why Jace was with Regulus in the first place. What if James was hurting, it didn’t matter because Regulus was going to get hurt too, more than James.
James remembered everything about how that day had played, all that had happened.
James had been locked up in his room for two days, not showered, not brushed, not eaten. Nothing.
Hisdoor locked so that none of his friends could come into the room.
After a long talk with Evan a couple of days prior had made James realise that maybe, just maybe James was worthmore than what Jace was willing to and had given him.
Two days prior James had broken down and told Evan everything, how Jace had on multiple occasions sexually assaulted him, how Jace had made him turn cold towards his friends. How Jace had both physically and verbally abused him, how Jace was the reason James did not change in front of others anymore.
Evan had listened, he had listened without giving the normal bullshit advice and then had told him quite sternly that if James did want to achieve anything he wanted to he had to jump over the biggest hurdle in his life.
The hurdle called Jace.
So that was how James found himself showering after 2 days, dressing smartly and quickly leaving without telling anybody.
That was how James found himself outside of Jace’s dorm, twisting the key into its whole. Opening the door to his dorm.
Hearing the moans.
Seeing him on top of someone.
Desperately closing the door, willing himself not to cry, still inside, not trusting himself to move.
Jace coming over mere seconds later.
Having a screaming match.
He remembers nothing, so shocked that even then James knew that he won't remember anything and he doesn’t.
He remembers what Jace said in the end.
“You can leave, James, leave. Leave like the coward you are but i, Potter, I am an observer, I’ll watch and I’ll observe and then when you least expect it I’ll fuck up the life of the person you love the most” he had said, sneering.
That had been it for James.
You threaten somebody James loves and he’ll forget all about himself, on the top of his mind would be the plan to murder you.
Forgetting that he was upset, forgetting that he was hurt despite the wet streaks on his face, all that was happening in James’ mind was pictures, pictures of all those who he loved crying.
All those who he loved clutching him and sobbing.
“I’ll die before I let you come near someone I love, mark my words” James gritted out as he walked out of his dorm, tears running down his face.
Now Regulus who had spent years feeling undeserving of love, Regulus whom James had silently vowed to love, to care for until his own dying breath and perhaps later. Regulus, Regulus, an abandoned child, his best friend's brother, Evan’s best friend, Moony’s reading buddy, Peter’s chess mate, his flatmate, his friend, his best friend, his crush, his love. Regulus, his Regulus would get hurt.
Regulus would probably go back to the closed off little boy he was the day they met. Back into his shell, the same shell they had all spent years coaxing him out of.
James needed sleep.
Not really, but he felt like dying and the thing that came closest to it was sleep, otherwise he may end up with more scars. Something he’s been avoiding for quite some time.
He quickly pulls out his phone and texts in the team group chat that he won’t be able to make it to the party.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓡𝓮𝓰𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼:
Regulus had called his friends for a ‘bitches meeting’ at their local coffee shop and as he walked inside his guts twisted, he was still upset from what he had the day before about James not deserving of love.
He was upset, yes.
Sorry? No.
He knows that it's messed up, he knows James but he also knows that Jace wouldn’t lie to him.
Who would lie about such a thing?
Shaking his head Regulus makes his way inside, wondering whether his friends would support him through this.
“Hey” says Regulus, dragging it out solemnly, his friends all sensing that something is wrong just return the greeting and make space for him to sit.
After years of knowing each other they now know how one acts, talks and what their actions entail, what they do or do not want at the moment, and since they are amazing friends they do what the other may want and ask later which is what happens now.
He sits down and begins, “so ummmm, as you guys know im dating Jace Lockhart and-” his ‘story-telling’ is quite rudely interrupted by Evan.
“You’re dating that prick?!” he asks, absolutely horrified.
“Would you show my boyfriend some respect?” snaps Regulus, he really doesn’t know why everyone treats Jace like some pest, sure he can be a little bit overbearing but so can James, the same person who they treat like a saint but has allegedly been an abuser.
Jace is really sweet and Regulus won’t have people disrespecting him as though he’s some sort of leech sucking blood out of Regulus and then would leave after he’d had enough.
He wasn’t like that.
Boyfriends aren’t like that.
“Not if it's Jace, no.” he answers, “you’re breaking up with him Reg.” Evan adds with such finalty that makes one part of Regulus curious and another – though small, yet Regulus is horrified that it exists – wants to slap Evan.
“Why?”
“You don’t know?” asks Evan confused, what doesn’t he know?
“Is there something I should know?” asks Regulus, curiosity killed the cat-
-but satisfaction brought it back.
“Nevermind, what did you want to tell us about your boyfriend that we should respect ever so much?”
And so Regulus launches into the whole retelling of the event of the previous night, excluding the purple peonies and what he said to James.
He himself is conflicted over those things.
By the time he’s finished everyone is dead silent and Evan even has tears in his eyes.
Barty, sitting beside Evan, is the first to break the silence.
“God, I think you should limit your time with James.”
"Tell me you guys don't believe that fuck arse" said Evan, almost pleading.
"Evan! That's my boyfriend"
"He's your boyfriend isn't he? Well then fuck him, you too Black, and the lot of you for believing him." With that Evan left the café and they all stared at the door, shook.
"Fuck him, honestly. Who does he think he is?" This, surprisingly enough, comes from Barty who always took Evan’s side in everything.
Next spoke Dorcas, “what James did was fucked up and well nobody llies about that kind of shit, and if you want you can temporarily stay with any of us.”
Pandora, who had never been much of a talker, just leaned across and hugged him tightly.
Regulus had always loves Pandora’s hugs
“Thankyou, but i dont think i’d like to move out yet, i wanna you know like shove it in his face, that this is the person you tried to fuck up so badly is ever so happy in your apartment.” said Regulus while smirking, he’ll make sure to cuddle on the couch, watch movies have dates and do all of that shit and make him watch.
“I don't even wanna go to their gig tonight” mutters Regulus, it would be weird with them all in one place.
“Are you sure? Remus said they would be doing something different this time, something they’ve never done before” says Barty, and with all honesty Regulus at the moment doesn’t give a flying fuck they can all be going on a trip to fucking Tartarus for all he cares.
“I don’t give a shit, though Dorcas you should go because Marlene would want you there, i don’t want this issue to regulate between the two groups plus you all will be coming to our flat for the traditional truth and dare game”
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:
James has a shit ton of work to do.
Does he want to? No.
Does he have the mental health to do so? No.
Will he do them though? Yes.
The only thing that he had been llooking forward to today was singing the song that he had written for Regulus but considering what had happened last night he was sure that Regulus wouldn’t even fucking show up.
And he can’t decide whether it's a good thing or not.
James rolls over and checks his phone to see the time and he shoots up realising he slept in, quite a lot.
So much that it's 3pm which- well maybe he did need all that sleep but whatever.
James quickly showers, brushes his teeth and leaves the room in pyjamas, had he been absolutely sure that Regulus wasn’t home he’d have taken off his shirt considering the weather today but he wouldn’t risk anyone seeing the scars sprinkled on his body.
Ever so evident that most if not all are deliberate.
James walks into the kitchen and he honestly has zero motivation to make anything for himself to eat so he just takes out chocolate milk and pours himself a glass.
There. Breakfast and Lunch done.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓢𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓾𝓼:
This was going to be one of their main performances, and Remus had been telling people that this time they’d be doing something nobody has ever seen them do, in the beginning Sirius had been confused as hell until Remus told Sirius over breakfast today that James would be performing an original solo song.
Sirius had been so surprised that the spaghetti which he had just situated inside in his mouth started to fall out from his mouth hanging open.
James’ writing, whether he wrote one line or ten pages always had meaning, something deep maybe, sometimes you had to fish hard inside the deep blue ocean and you may find a tiny fish however other times the meaning was clear to those who knew him, you’d just put your hand in the ocean and a million large fish would swim to you.
Regulus had left first thing in the morning which Sirius had been glad for, he doesn't think that he can even look at Regulus at the moment.
They had all decided to meet up at the pub instead of getting together at one place.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
The first thing he did when he saw James was to tackle him into a tight hug. Last night James had messaged him not to tell anyone what had happened, so he didn’t.
Sirius wishes James didn’t do this.
Every single time James goes through a rough patch in his life he wears painted smiles and loses the sparkle in his eyes. Sirius just wishes that James would let people in, allow them to hold just once or twice.
Despite being James’ best friend Sirius next to never sees James cry, to most he may just seem a happy person but Sirius notices how on many days his eyelids are just a millimetre below their usual spot, how on some days James avoids water near his face, a clear indication of makeup on his face.
But most of all Sirius notices how James has never taken his top off in front of any of his friends for god knows how long.
It hurts to see the person who made everyone confident having the most fake confidence, seeing him making off-handed self-deprecating remarks which he shrugs off when brought up.
Remus had shown Sirius a song a few days ago and the both of them had been practising like crazy to get ready for it, and though Remus had never mentioned it Sirius, after a discussion with Peter, knew it was meant for James, the one who never forgot yet was often forgotten.
And they all knew that James at the very least deserved this, and they’d give him this and try their best for giving more.
The main singing would be done by Remus while on the chorus Sirius, and Peter would sing with him.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
The time to sing finally came up and they had already informed James that he’d have to sit this one out, evidently it was something he was grateful for though James would never admit it Sirius knew that James did a lot of stuff solely because that was what was expected of him even if he had not necessarily wanted to be doing it.
Remus walks up to the front of the stage of the pub and says;
“This song is for the person who is always there for everyone else, yet holds everything inside of themselves. This song is about the person who cries alone, who tries for everyone else and tries their hardest yet feels like they’re not enough. This song is for the person who made my friends and I were confident in ourselves, who supported us through thick and thin yet forgot about themselves. You know who you are, and I just want you to know you are more than enough and I couldn't ask for a better confidante, I hope I can be yours too. If anyone in the audience relates, its for you too”
Eventhough Remus has sung millions of times, Sirius’ entire self falters everytime Remus starts to sing.
And what makes it better is when he’s singing from his heart.
When we woke up the world was figured out
Beyond the beauty we've dreamt about
This brilliant light is brighter than we've known
Without our darkness to prove it so
The brilliant light, the light that shines brighter than them all, the personification of the Sun, James Fleamont Potter.
Still, we can't help but to examine it
To add our question marks to periods
At the foot of our bed, we found an envelope
And then began the chorus, they all looked toward James for a millisecond before beginning the main verse.
You're enough, you're enough, you're enough, you are enough
These little words, somehow they're changing us
You're enough, you're enough, you are enough
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
Their biggest advantage while singing any song is that they perfectly harmonise with each other.
And then Remus begins again.
When we grew up, our shadows grew up too
But they're just some old ghosts that we grew attached to
The tragic flaw is that they hide the truth
The following verse is then sung by Remus and Peter whose voices go together better than milk and oreos do.
That you're enough, you're enough, you're enough
I promise you're enough, you're enough, you're enough
I promise you're enough, you're enough, you're enough
I promise you
And then continue Remus and Sirius.
You're enough, you're enough, you're enough, you are enough
These little words, somehow they're changing us
You're enough, you're enough, you are enough
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
And then all three of them sing together again.
You're enough, you're enough, you are enough
These little words, somehow they're changing us
Let it go, let it go, you are enough
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
As they finish, Sirius looks over towards James, who couldn’t even bring his eyes up from the ground. All Sirius at the moment wants is to hug him but one slight shake of the head from Remus and he knows he can’t, not right now.
Sirius watches as James puts on a brave smile and walks over to the microphone by which Remus had been singing earlier. In his hands, Sirius notices, is his very first guitar with everyone’s signature on it.
James clears his throat in the mic and begins to talk, “If any of you are regulars, you know that i have never sung on stage, so here is a song written and sung by me.” James pauses then smiles softly, “this song is for someone I’ve loved for quite some time-” this catches Sirius by surprise, a million questions already forming inside his head.
Who are they?
Do I know them?
How long exactly?
“-but sadly, they aren’t and neither can nor will ever be mine. So i hope that this song finds you in some way seeing as you aren’t here, stay happy always.” and then he just closes his eyes and begins to strum the strings of his guitar going into an unknown world which only he may know about.
And then he begins singing, and just- gosh, Sirius could swear that the world stopped rotating, the planets stopped revolving and the universe stopped expanding when James began to sing.
≫Maybe it's the way you say my name
Maybe it's the way you play your game
But it's so good, I've never known anybody like you
But it's so good, I've never dreamed of nobody like you≪
Sirius heard everything, every lyric, how the glasses stopped clinking, how people stopped talking and everyone just looked towards the stage completely mesmerised by James’ voice.
Sirius, who is aware of his mouth hanging open, shuts it promptly and looks at Peter and Remus, James’ voice seemed to have had the same effect on them as well, eyes open wide staring at James.
James seemed to be in his own world, not knowing the effect his voice had had on everyone around him.
≫And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine≪
The emotion in James’ voice is breathtaking, jaw dropping.
And then when James sings the chorus, everything fits into place.
≫'Cause I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine
And I see forever in your eyes
I feel okay when I see you smile, smile
Wishing on dandelions all of the time
Praying to God that one day you'll be mine
Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time≪
Dandelions.
Dandelions.
He’s in love with Regulus.
For a millisecond Sirius is happy, just a millisecond before he remembers what happened the night before, just a millisecond before remembering Regulus’ words.
“They aren’t and neither can nor will ever be mine”
And only then does he understand James’ words as well.
≫I think that you are the one for me
‘Cause it gets so hard to breathe
When you’re looking at me, I’ve never felt so alive and free
When you’re looking at me, I’ve never felt so happy.≪
“I've never felt so happy”
Sirius wonders what James may feel now when Regulus looks at James.
≫Dandelion, into the wind you go
Won't you let my darling know?
Dandelion, into the wind you go
Won't you let my darling know that?≪
Every single verse holds more emotion than before, and every single verse seems to have left Sirius more and more speechless
And then the chorus begins again,
≫I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine
And I see forever in your eyes
I feel okay when I see you smile, smile
Wishing on dandelions all of the time
Praying to God that one day you'll be mine
Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time
I'm in a field of dandelions
Wishing on every one that you'll be mine, mine≪
James’ voice slowly fades out as he opens his eyes.
For a solid minute, the whole pub is so quiet that you could hear people breathe, and then simultaneously everyone stands up and bursts into applause and Sirius makes his way over to James and hugs him tightly, already seeing the tears forming in his eyes.
“I’m sorry” hears Sirius, a tiny whisper.
Sirius puts his hand on James' face and says, “you have nothing to be sorry for, okay? He's an arse, you deserve the world, it's his loss” and then he pulls James back into the hug, soon to be joined by the rest of thr Marauders.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:
As they were leaving the pub, Evan pulled James away.
“James I'm so sorry, i tried to tell Regulus that what Jace told him wasn't true, couldn't be true but they didn’t listen, none of them did. And oh fuck- you love him, I’m so-”
“Save the pity please Evan,” said James placing a hand on his shoulder, “you're a good friend Evan, and I'm so thankful to you, but alas nothing can be done about this matter. You don't have to sacrifice your friendship for me, i know you guys are close”
You don't deserve this whispered James' brain.
I know! I fucking know! Shouted the other part.
“James that fuck arse left marks on your body, he made you lose all the confidence that you had, and you still haven't recovered. And now he dares to spin it all around and pin ut on you. This kind of shit is really fucked up. i was there when he fucked you up, and i seriously dint wanna be there when he fucks Regulus up too"
James watches as Evan draws in a deep breath.
“You came to me and cried so hard about everything and I can't even begin to imagine how painful this experience must be for you, especially considering how you feel about Regulus.”
Imagine daggers stabbing your heart repeatedly, and multiply it by one thousand and yet you're gonna be far from what James was feeling at the moment.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓡𝓮𝓰𝓾𝓵𝓾𝓼:
Regulus groaned as he opened his mobile to check the group chat. It had been going off like crazy.
Cas: GUYS!!!
Cas: JAMES SANG!!
Cas: i know we’re all mad at him right now
Cas: But gosh-
Cas: his voice could work better than charmspeak
Cas: Y’all thats the never has been done before thing they were talking about.
Cas: i can still feel his voice
Cas: yall missed out on great shit.
Barts: HE SANG?????
Barts: no fucking way
Barts: you’re fucking with us
Cas: No like he actually sang
Cas: His voice sounds better than fucking Aphrodite
Cas: Istg guys, the emotion in his voice
Cas: Thats the first time ive even seen a pub completely quiet.
Dora: What’d he sing??
Cas: Ive been sworn to secrecy
Cas: Can’t tell you the song name, or the lyrics
Cas: But what i can tell you is that
Cas: Is that at the beginning he said that
Cas: he supposedly has loved for years, someone he can’t have
Cas: And that he hopes they stay happy always.
Regulus:
He can sing?!
He loves someone?
Dora: After what we know he did, i’d be surprised if someone did actually want him.
Regulus shuts off his phone, a part of him is miserable for not being able to hear James’ voice.
Maybe one day.
☾︎𑁍☽︎
𝓙𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓼:
Here they all sat round in a circle, with a bottle in the middle of them.
There’s slight tension in the air, James is pretty sure that everyone can feel it, yet is ignoring it.
Ignorance is bliss.
Reminds James of something Sirius said to him at the ripe age of fourteen,
“I’d rather live blissfully unaware than live painfully aware” (a/n reference to me saying to my best friend, also at the age of 14)
For the past fifteen minutes James had been trying his hardest not to look at Regulus who was sitting next to Dorcas, who was sitting opposite to James.
It's just that James is so used to Regulus sitting beside him and Regulus leaning on his shoulder as the night progresses.
One little reminder from his evil brain of the words that Regulus had uttered the night before and suddenly the urge to look at Regulus is gone, and back is the urge to curl up and cry and die
Sirius, who's been sitting next to him, wraps an arm around James’ shoulder the message is clear, “i'm here”.
Sirius goes to spin the bottle, “alright let’s see who the first victim is”
And ofcourse with the fucking luck that James has, it definitely had to land on him.
He watches as Barty’s lips curl into a smirk and he asks, “So James, Truth or Dare?”
Now, James usually would go with Truth, but he knows that even the people who weren’t at the pub are aware that he sang a song for someone he loved and as far as he’s aware only four people know who he had sung the song for.
And he really doesn’t wanna reveal the name considering said person is sitting here, probably thinking of a way to kill him or torture him at the very least.
And so, “Dare” says James, quite bravely.
Barty glances at Pandora and the look on their faces could scare off the devil.
“Sing a song” says Pandora
Oh.
Oh.
No.
God.
James looks down and slowly gets up.
He knows which song he wants to sing.
Something deep inside him is telling him to sing Matilda.
A song he’s been working on since he was thirteen.
A song he kept on adding to.
A song he had finished two years ago.
A song he could now play in his sleep.
He comes out of his room with his guitar, covered in stickers and memories.
He sits down and starts to explain what the song’s about, “so umm.. The song’s name is Matilda, I started writing it when I was thirteen. It’s umm about Sirius and Regulus.”
James closes his eyes as he is transported into another dimension.
Somewhere he only goes when he sings.
≫You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal"
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels
Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming 'til now≪
This line James had written for Regulus, who would still be surprised when James’ mum would knock on his door before entering.
Who was surprised when James had broken a glass and instead of getting beaten the first thing his dad asked was whether or not James had been hurt.
≫So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal≪
This line James had written after Sirius had taken off his shirt back in their 3rd year, after spilling a drink on it and James had seen his chest covered in bruises, when asked Sirius had just shrugged it off.
≫You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love≪
For Sirius, who loved parties so much, but often felt like he was asking too much from people and taking too much of their time.
≫You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up, mmh
Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright
But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside≪
For Regulus who uses humour as a coping mechanism, for Regulus who acts like all is fine but James notices the way he slightly flinches from sudden movements.
≫You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days
It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love≪
For the both of them, because when either of them were sad, even the Sun couldn’t brighten up James’ day.
≫You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up
You can see the world, following the seasons≪
For Sirius who wanted to travel the world and explore everywhere, and try everything.
≫Anywhere you go, you don't need a reason
'Cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own≪
For Regulus who still felt bad for running away from his parents, for Regulus who still didn’t know that he deserved the world and more.
≫You're just in time, make your tea and your toast
You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes, ooh
You don't have to go
You don't have to go home
Oh, there's a long way to go
I don't believe that time will change your mind
In other words
I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go≪
For the both of them, at different times when James had sat them down and explained to them and made them understand that they had to get away and the only way of doing so was to let them go forever.
≫You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry, no≪
For the both of them, for leaving, for creating their own families, their families who actually value them.
For them, for realising that family isn’t blood, it's love.
James opens his eyes and is met with the shocked faces of his friends, tears running down Sirius’ faces.
Lily, bless the poor soul, is full on crying and Barty is staring at him with his mouth open.
Sirius wraps his arms around James, continuously whispering ‘i love you’s and ‘thank you’s.
For Sirius’ reaction James would sing the song over a million times, until his throat is raw and instead of words, blood spills out of his mouth.
For Regulus he wouldn’t even stop then, not until he’s dead.
Sirius keeps on whispering words to James, words like ‘i can’t believe you did that’ to ‘oh you big ol’ softie’.
James looks around once again, Remus and Peter are running their hands on Sirius’ back in a comforting way.
Everybody is doing something, but to James only one person matters.
Regulus.
Regulus is doing nothing.
Sitting stone faced and bored as though he couldn’t wait for this to be over.
And for the third time, within the last four days, James feels his heart break.