Jace Lockhart
TW: Mentions of !Suicide! And deaths… and nightmares. And blood… oh did i mention torture? And swords? Oh and toxic relationships. Self harm as well but just implicit.
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James stood in his room, he knew he didn't have much right to be mad but Regulus out of all people ought to have known how worrysome James is.
With everything that happened with Sirius and then watching the same happen with Regulus, Peter being constantly self-deprecating with himself, Remus struggling 24/7 because of his condition, James was always worried one way or the other.
And Regulus knew how much James worried and still he didn't think to inform him while he was doing god knows what with his boyfriend.
James wasn't even as jealous as he was hurt by the notion that someone who had known him for over five years, someone who bloody lived with him, forgot about James' mannerisms, his habits, as soon as they found someone to fuck.
But if James was being honest with himself, he knew the time would come. He knew a time would come when he wasn't needed anymore, and as much as he hated to say it he had known that the time was soon to come now.
All his life James had only existed for other people, holding up the sky for them, but now every single person he held up the sky for had found someone else, someone to carry what little burden was left with them, together.
Now, it wasn't that James wasn't happy for the people he held the dearest to his heart to have found people they loved, and were loved by, who they cherished, and were cherished by, it was just that… it felt like James was now living a meaning less life.
If he were to be honest, James had thought of dying before, and the only thing that stopped him from going through with it was that people needed him.
He was needed.
Now he's not.
And now he was mostly just angry with himself, for not even listening to Regulus and just snapping at him.
However a small part, a very small part of him said that he had the right to be at the very least a bit mad, for Regulus had missed their lunch, something that has been going on for nearly two years now. Not only thay but Regulus had also forgotten James' biggest game yet and worst of all he had forgotten to help him with his math.
James was gonna fail the maths test on Monday, but he decided not to think too much about that or else he'll end up very anxious and angry with himself and will probably end up doing something he has been trying to quit for ages now.
Ruling over the very small part of his brain was the Big Black Monster which repeatedly reminded him that he, James, was not worth remembering and that he should be glad that Regulus hadn't forgotten before and shouldn't be that sad about being forgotten, for was he even worth remembering? No matter how hard he tried he could never be enough, he wasnt worth being enough.
James jumped on the bed face first, clenching his fists, he did not want to do something he'd end up regretting. He already had enough scars to hide he didn't need more.
James had this sort of routine. Everytime he felt a very strong negative emotion, like right now, he'd bottle it up and keep the lid on tight until either he broke down or used it in a football match.
He had a major football match the next day which would no doubt have many scouts, so he decided to bottle it up and be indestructible tomorrow.
James unclenched his fingers and brought his hands up to rub his face, not surprised to feel it to be wet, that was quite the norm for James, going to sleep after crying.
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Oh fuck
Fuck
James woke up sweaty, fucking drained in it. He had another nightmare.
This right here was the reason James hated going to sleep earlier than 1 am.
Having nightmares wasn't something that was mew to James, he had them atleast twice a week. But what was knew was the different types of ways he saw his friends, his family, his parents die, or get tortured.
It exhausted him. And he had to get up everyday acting all sunny as though just 5 fucking hours ago he hadn't seen someone die, in the most gruesome of gruesome ways to die.
Not that he had any other option. What else could he do? Tell somebody and have them fret over him? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. There was no way he could get back to sleep now, not when he had just seen him getting tortured.
No way.
He pulled out his journal and began writing, writing what he had seen.
(Hola! the dream actually starts here so feel free to skip to the next bolded line to spare yourself the trauma. -N xx)
(Second warning this is gruesome as fuck so like beware)
James was trying to move but he just couldn't. He tried but he couldn't.
James looks around him and sees headless, lifeless bodies with the heads sitting a foot or two apart.
He sees his mother's head
His father's
Sirius'
Remus'
Peter's
Dorcas'
Lily's
Mary's
Evan's
Barty's
Pandora's
That one cousin's
Professor McGonagall's
He screws his eyes shut, he doesn't need to see more.
James opens his eyes, willing himself to not stare at the ground amd instead infront of him.
And there he sees him.
Regulus
Tied up to a pole, his eyes shut, he seems lifeless. And James would believe he were, if he hadn't been able to see the way his chest moved.
He watches the two men in black standing next to Regulus, straighter than a pole.
There's another man behind him.
He has something in his hands.
A whip, made of… steel.
James watches as the man in black brings it up, and then brings it down.
He hears the scream.
Regulus' scream.
James rushes fowards, instead hears the rattling of chains.
He's tied up.
Two other men in black holding James back.
He wants to go, he wants to run to Regulus, he wants to scream, he wants to do something.
But he can't.
He's helpless.
Powerless.
For that is what he truly his.
He closes his eyes once again, not wanting to see Regulus, all but lifeless body.
It feels like hours there, scream after scream.
Take me, he wants to shout.
He can't.
He can't do any fucking thing.
The screams stop.
James looks up and immediately wishes he hadn't, he sees the man in black pick up a sword, bring it up and then quicky swing it downwa-
He wakes up.
(Bonjour!! Okay so it ends here, also im sorry but there won't be a summary in the end notes, the reason tho will be explained there. -N xx)
James shuts his journel. His third journel.
He wishes that either they would stop, or just James would.
Stop breathing.
Stop living.
Just anything to stop this fuckung emotional torture.
James stumbles into the washroom, holding onto the sink.
He look at himself.
His actual self, and he's glad nobody sees him like this.
The one without concealer, eyes creams.
The one with dark eyebags.
His eyes are blood-shot.
He could use a bloody shot right now.
He needs water, something.
He makes his way out of his room. James opens the fridge pulling out a bottle of wated and downing it in one go.
James leans on the wall, slowly banging his head on it.
He really needs to do something, he really doesn't wanna pick up the damn razor.
It's been a month.
He doesn't want to go down that road again.
He feels like he should though.
He needs to let it out.
He can't wait till the game.
He makes his way to his room in a haze, mind not working properly.
It should be under the sink, hidden.
He walks into his room.
He crosses the distance to the door of the bathroom.
He's about to open the door.
He sees his guitar.
Not the one he plays on the band with.
The very first one he bought with his own money.
The memories rush into his head.
How this guitar was his first buoy in this world.
James changes direction, mind still not working properly.
He picks up his guitar and all memories rush in.
The very first time he played.
When he played for a song Sirius wrote.
When he played for Regulus and hesmiled.
His smile.
James absent-mindedly starts to play. He goes to lie down on his bed, his guitar on his stomach and his fingers still playing.
He doesn't know when but he does eventually fall asleep.
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James wakes up and the first thing he realises is that he slept through his alarm.
It's fine, it's gonna be fine
It's fine, it's gonna be fine
It's fine, it's gonna be fine
His mind repeats like a mantra.
James brushes his teeth, trying not to think about what happened, or nearly happened the night before.
He makes a virtual list inside his head.
1. Apologize to Regulus.
He leaves his room and is surprised to see Sirius standing in their living room, talking to Regulus.
Not that it was unusual for Sirius to be here but it was certainly unusual for Sirius to be here just before a game.
"Morning Prongs!" in an awfully cheery voice. James is a morning person but he really isnt in the mood today.
"Morning Pads" he mumbles
He walks up to them and taps Regulus' shoulder, "Come here for a moment, please Starshine" he adds seeing the hesitation in Regulus' eyes.
Regulus nodds and follows James into the kitchen.
"I"m sorry-" they both say, causing them both to let out a small nervous chuckle.
"Okay so-" they both start again.
James puts his hand over Regulus' mouth, "listen please" he says as he removes his hand, "I'm really sorry, i was just worried, and i really am sorry, I don't want you to be angry with me, I can't handle that. I just- next time text me please, and I'm really really sorry"
James doesn't want to meet Regulus' eyes.
He won't forgive you
You don't deserve forgiveness
You don't deserve his forgiveness
He should hate you
THAT is what you deserve
He really does hate the Big Black Monster in his mind.
"It's okay, and for what it's worth, i am sorry too Sunshine"
"You.. forgive me?"
"Mhm, also dinner was nice yesterday, make it sometime again please"
James laughs, as he brings his hand up and ruffles Regulus' hair, causing him to make an indignant sound.
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(Okay so here we all pretend that i wrote this amazing as fuck football scene in which James was indestructible, with TONS of details, k? Love y'all -N xx)
THEY WON!!
JAMES' TEAM WON!!
To say James was thrilled was an understatement. He… there were no words to describe the high that he was on right now.
His eyes search the cheering stands to find his friends, they're all cheering. Sirius being the overdramatic little shit he is has taken his shirt off and is whooping it in the air. Remus is cheering loudly, and Marlene is jumping up and down with Dorcas. Barty seems ecstatic and Evan is clapping though James would bet his arse that he doesn't even know happened. Peter has his arm around his girlfriend (Kris) and his face is red from shouting and Regulus… is nowhere to be seen.
James tries not to let it bother him as all of his team mates rush over to him. James had been invincible, he was crowned (lmao idk) the title of the man of the math.
James' coach came up to him and told him that he had to meet a few people in a couple of days so make sure to keep his schedule empty for the day. James thanked him and saw his coach do something that he next to never did, smile.
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They were all in Sirius' and Remus' flat celebrating the win without alcohol as they had the actual after party the next day.
"Where's Regulus?" Asked James, a question that had been bothering him for quite a while.
"Went to get his boyfriend, Jace something" answered Barty.
Jace.
No it couldn't be thought James.
There were plenty of Jaces in the world, it didn't have to be that Jace.
It didn't have to be him, but what if it were?
James met Sirius' eyes, recognition flashed in his eyes.
Sirius remembered, of course he did.
"I'm going to get water" and with that James made his way out of the room.
He poured himself a glass of water, downed it and then poured himself another, taking it with himself outside.
He walked into the living room at the same time Regulus and Jace walked into the room.
It was Jace Lockhart.
Their eyes met and James could tell that he remembered, he remembered James, he remembered what he himself did, and he remembered what James had said to him.
"I'll die before I let you come near someone I love, mark my words" James had gritted out as he walked out of Jace's dorm, tears running down his face.
Of course he remembered.
And here he was, close to the one person James loved the most.
"Guys this is Jace, my boyfriend" said Regulus somewhat shyly.
Jace made his way around the room greeting everyone, receiving handshakes and some hugs from all but the marauders who had all moved beside James.
When? He didn't know. But may he be damned if he didn't appreciate their presence.
Jace made his way over to James.
"Hello James, nice to meet you again, long time no see."
James opened his mouth to say some biting remark but Sirius cut him off.
"Absolutely the fuck not, fuck off"
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End of chapter 3.. <3